Law Enforcement Talk: True Crime and Trauma Stories

Episode: Do Blue Wives Matter, What Are They?
Host: John "Jay" Wiley
Guests: Kristen and Rob Sueza
Date: November 30, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode delves into the often-overlooked struggles faced by the families of law enforcement officers, especially those who have lost a loved one in the line of duty or to duty-related causes, including suicide and medical issues. Host John J. Wiley is joined by Kristen and Rob Sueza, founders of Blue Wives Matter, a unique support organization for law enforcement and first responder spouses and families. The conversation explores the motivations behind Blue Wives Matter, the continuum of trauma experienced by survivors, gaps in institutional support, and the ongoing mission to foster a stronger, more compassionate support network for bereaved families.

Main Topics and Key Insights

Introduction to Blue Wives Matter

Timestamps: 01:39–03:40

• John introduces Rob and Kristen Sueza, a law enforcement family; Rob is a retired police captain.
• The motivation for founding Blue Wives Matter: bridging the gap in support for families of fallen officers—regardless of the manner of death.

Quote:

"We offer support to our fallen officers' families regardless of cause of death. So we're not, we're kind of like a catch all. We don't turn anyone away."
— Kristen Sueza (03:40)

The Support Blue Wives Matter Provides

Timestamps: 04:13–05:52

• Types of Support:
  • Emotional and practical/financial support.
  • Monthly law enforcement patch program for children.
  • Holiday financial assistance.
  • Connection/mentorship—matching survivors by shared experiences.
  • Pre-COVID: luncheons for local spouses.
  • Expanding into mental health support.

Quote:

"I've met widows that have lost their spouses to similar types of cause, and that has been, you know, a big help to them."
— Kristen Sueza (04:50)

The Vanishing of Support After Tragedy

Timestamps: 05:52–09:15

• After initial community and departmental support fades post-funeral, widows/widowers become isolated.
• Many agencies lack guidance on ongoing support; cultural discomfort leads to withdrawal, making recovery more difficult.

Notable Quotes:

"All the support, all the companionship ... starts to disappear rather rapidly. And that seems to be a common thread."
— John J. Wiley (05:52)

"There's no intent to eventually walk away. But it's kind of a natural process with grief ... what is not okay ... is when promises are made and then you walk away from those promises."
— Rob Sueza (09:15)

The Law Enforcement Family and Institutional Gaps

Timestamps: 11:27–14:37

• Importance of a liaison within departments to communicate and coordinate what bereaved families truly need.
• Disconnection not malicious; often based on lack of knowledge or survivor's guilt.
• Importance of maintaining continuity and connection with families post-loss.
• The experience of losing community after retirement also parallels the isolation felt by bereaved families.

Quote:

"Their connection to the law enforcement family was through their spouse. And now that connection is no longer there."
— Rob Sueza (14:23)

The Unique Needs of Survivors—Memory and Mentorship

Timestamps: 14:37–16:24

• Greatest wish: that the fallen officer is not forgotten, and that children retain connections and find mentors.
• Kristen and Rob personally mentor children of fallen officers.
• The challenge is often greater for suicide survivors, due to stigma.

Notable Quote:

"Their children still have some type of mentoring—that the officers don't forget their kids either. The kids have lost their father ... but some type of male mentorship."
— Kristen Sueza (14:45)

Suicide and Mental Health: The Unspoken Epidemic

Timestamps: 16:24–19:09

• Law enforcement suicides outnumber line-of-duty deaths; this crisis is mirrored in other first responder communities.
• A call to reframe wellness and mental health as occupational issues deserving support and benefits.
• Both John and Rob emphasize seeing PTSD and trauma injury as akin to physical injury—treatable and deserving of proactive care.

Quotes:

"Most officers actually die as a result of suicide as opposed to being killed in the line of duty. We need to start looking at wellness and mental health issues as a work related issue."
— Rob Sueza (16:24)

"I consider this to be like a brain injury instead of a mental disorder. Treat it the same way you would an orthopedic injury."
— John J. Wiley (17:29)

The Story That Inspired Blue Wives Matter

Timestamps: 21:52–25:14

• March 29, 2017: Off-duty but duty-related death of an officer in Rob’s department prompted Kristen to act.
• Personal anecdotes reveal the confusion and administrative gaps faced when handling benefits and support after death.
• Medical insurance is cut almost immediately, regardless of duty status; lack of standardized benefits navigation.
• Led Kristen to found Blue Wives Matter to fill these systemic and emotional gaps.

Quote:

"Medical insurance gets severed almost immediately ... we saw there was a big gap in how to help this widow. And that was a big push forward for my wife to start Blue Lives Matter."
— Rob Sueza (25:14)

The Power of Connection and Presence

Timestamps: 26:53–29:12

• Emotional engagement matters above all; it is better to listen and show up than to withdraw in avoidance.
• Best support is ongoing, active, and empathetic, not based on platitudes ("call me if you need anything").
• Kristen actively connects survivors with peers who faced similar circumstances.

Notable Quotes:

"The worst thing you can do ... is to ignore them and not even talk to them."
— John J. Wiley (26:53)

"She's able to connect people with like situations ... and try to create those relationships."
— Rob Sueza (27:50)

Behind the Badge: Impact on Law Enforcement Families

Timestamps: 32:18–37:28

• Open discussion about the impact of the law enforcement career on marriages and family life.
• Kristen's approach as the daughter of a police officer influenced her resilience; she chose trust over constant worry.
• Rob and Kristen highlight communication’s vital role in surviving trauma as a family.
• Industry culture around officer wellness is changing for the better, but still has much room to grow.
• Rob pursuing a master’s in social work to further serve the law enforcement community’s wellness needs.

Quotes:

"Things work out really good for us, but I see other families that don't fare so well. And a lot of it is kind of the culture that officers believe that they need to keep everything in tight."
— Rob Sueza (35:57)

The Broader Cost of Inadequate Support

Timestamps: 37:28–39:06

• High financial and human costs when officers’ wellness is neglected.
• On the West Coast, average cost to train and field a new officer is $200,000.
• Both guests and host agree: officers are not disposable, and stronger wellness programs benefit agencies and society.

Quote:

"You add on top of that the emotional loss ... by not taking better care of your people ... there needs to be more work, and it needs to be a combination of grassroots from the lower ranks all the way to the administrative ranks."
— Rob Sueza (38:28)

How Listeners Can Help: The Patch Program

Timestamps: 39:06–40:43

• Blue Wives Matter’s monthly “patch program” sends police, fire, EMT, and military patches to children of fallen officers—building connection, continuity, and pride.
• The demand is growing faster than donations; all new and used patches are welcome.
• Financial donations are also helpful.
• Recent notable patch donations from Captain Bill Burt (Missoula County SO) and Ret. Sgt. Darrell Freeman (Mesa PD).

Quote:

"We need patches. For our patch program, I send out upwards of 200 patches a month out to these kids ... I depend on donations from citizens, law enforcement officers, and agencies."
— Kristen Sueza (39:29)

Closing Thoughts

• Rob and Kristen highlight the unrewarded emotional heavy lifting done by survivor support networks.
• John emphasizes the importance of appreciating officers and their families, encouraging listeners to show gratitude.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Continuing Support:
  "Nobody bothered to stop and ask what the widow really needed ... it's kind of important in the law enforcement community you have a liaison that works directly with the family."
  — Rob Sueza (12:24)

• Connection Lost:
  "I swear when that door shut, I was obsolete and I was part of them at that point."
  — John J. Wiley (13:26)

• On Mentorship:
  "He's had to do things like teach them how to shave—things that their dad should have done. But, you know, that's not there anymore."
  — Kristen Sueza (14:45)

Segment Timestamps

• Intro to Guests/Topic: 01:39–03:40
• Explanation of Blue Wives Matter's Mission: 03:40–06:18
• Support Gaps After Loss: 06:18–09:15
• Departmental Procedures and Family Disconnection: 11:27–14:37
• Needs of Widows/Widowers: 14:37–16:24
• Law Enforcement Suicide, Mental Health, and Wellness: 16:24–19:09
• Personal Story—Foundation of Blue Wives Matter: 21:52–25:14
• Active Listening/Building Connections: 26:53–29:12
• Impact on Police Families and Cultural Change: 32:18–37:28
• Financial and Emotional Costs of Officer Attrition: 37:28–39:06
• How to Help—Patch Program: 39:06–40:43

Final Takeaways

• Blue Wives Matter fills crucial emotional and practical support gaps for the families of fallen and retired officers—regardless of the circumstances of loss.
• Institutional shortcomings around survivor care and mental health persist, but grassroots efforts like BWM push for cultural change.
• Listening, ongoing engagement, and peer support are more valuable than promises that go unkept.
• Everyone can help: whether it’s through patch donations, financial support, or simply reaching out with empathy and gratitude.

For more information or to donate patches, visit Blue Wives Matter on Facebook.