Law Enforcement Talk: True Crime and Trauma Stories
Episode: Her College Son’s Death: A Much Needed and Tough Conversation
Date: October 22, 2025
Host: John "Jay" Wiley
Guest: Melissa Bottorf Airey

Episode Overview

This emotional and deeply personal episode brings together host John “Jay” Wiley and guest Melissa Bottorf Airey, a certified master grief coach, author, and host of "The Leftover Pieces" podcast. Melissa shares the harrowing story of her son Alex’s death by suicide at age 21 while in college. The discussion explores the silent and complicated nature of suicide loss, the inadequacies in common warning signs, the shattering impact on families, and Melissa’s journey toward finding purpose through helping others in similar situations.

Melissa courageously speaks about the trauma of losing a child to suicide, the overwhelming grief that follows, and her path to becoming a support for other survivors. The episode also delves into societal misconceptions, unhelpful reactions from others, and the importance of genuine support and community. The conversation is honest, raw, and ultimately hopeful, highlighting how trauma can lead to meaningful connections and new purpose.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introduction and Context (00:30 - 03:09)

• John J. Wiley introduces Melissa Bottorf Airey and previews the difficult conversation about losing her son to suicide.
• Melissa’s background as a grief coach and host of "The Leftover Pieces" podcast, which focuses on suicide loss and destigmatizing grief.

Alex’s Story and Warning Signs (03:09 – 09:26)

• Melissa recounts Alex’s life: a high-achieving student, athlete, fraternity leader, and college junior.
• She emphasizes the lack of typical "red flag” warning signs before Alex’s death:
  • "His last semester, the spring semester before he died, he was struggling a bit... but there was nothing to indicate it was of that level." (Melissa, 06:15)
  • “All the things we’re taught to look for... really weren’t there.” (John, 07:28)
• Melissa notes retrospectively that there may have been subtle concerns missed, but nothing overt.
• The pandemic’s impact on suicide rates is discussed, with Melissa expressing concern for a future “secondary pandemic of suicide loss.” (04:17)

The Day of the Loss (12:05 – 15:47)

• Melissa describes the traumatic way she found out about Alex’s death; her younger son had to deliver the devastating news after hearing from Alex’s friend.
  • “He looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Mom, Alex is dead.’ And I don’t remember a whole lot after that, but that was how we found out.” (Melissa, 13:00)
• Both John and Melissa acknowledge the burden this places on family, especially her younger son being forced into the role of messenger.
  • “That’s a horrible thing... but I can’t imagine your teenage son having to bear that burden.” (John, 14:19)

Grief, Guilt, and Coping (16:34 – 18:10; 21:25 – 23:53; 36:10 – 37:12)

• John debunks the saying “time heals all wounds” and reflects that trauma changes but doesn’t disappear with time.
  • “I don’t believe that’s true anymore… I just know I handle it differently.” (John, 16:36)
• Melissa contrasts losing her father to cancer with losing her son:
  • "I kind of thought I knew grief... but that doesn’t even live in the same wheelhouse of this.” (Melissa, 16:50)
• She speaks candidly about survivor’s guilt:
  • “A little bit, but only because I’m his mother... In all reality, knowing what I know... I really feel like there’s nothing different I could have done.” (Melissa, 36:24)

Surviving the First Years & Life After Loss (21:25 – 23:20; 35:41 – 36:10)

• The first year was about survival; shock dominated life.
  • “I was surviving... I thought I was going to figure out how to survive this.” (Melissa, 21:29)
• Major life changes: Melissa and her husband sold their home, businesses, and traveled.
• She explains metaphorically “sitting among all of these pieces of my life and my heart” and ultimately deciding to create a podcast and community she herself needed but couldn’t find.
  • "Maybe I'll create what I can't find." (Melissa, 22:56)

Finding Help, Building Community, and the Problem with Outsider Support (23:20 – 27:14)

• Melissa emphasizes the unmatched power of support from people who have suffered similar losses.
  • “There was absolutely nothing like somebody who's been there, is walking the same journey on some level that you are.” (Melissa, 23:53)
• She underscores the limitations of therapists who have not personally experienced a similar loss.
• The conversation touches on unwanted advice and insensitive comments received by survivors.
  • “You still have two other children” – a common but deeply painful phrase (Melissa, 25:10)
  • Both agree on the importance of using these moments to educate, but acknowledge human limitations.

Abandonment and Shifting Relationships (27:14 – 29:22)

• Melissa discusses the reorganization of one’s social life post-loss, as some friends withdraw out of fear or inability to cope.
  • “Some people... don't have the wheelhouse for it... I actually have experienced many, many people who just literally kind of disappeared out of my life.” (Melissa, 27:22)
• John shares his own experience feeling unable to support a friend after a police officer’s death, echoing the fear many feel about saying the wrong thing.

Marriage and Coping as a Couple (31:01 – 34:33)

• Melissa describes the resilience and uniqueness of her marriage in the aftermath of loss.
  • Her husband is not Alex’s biological father or step-parent, but provided steadfast support.
  • “I could never have imagined somebody weathering this with somebody the way he's weathered it with me.” (Melissa, 32:39)
• Both agree that tragedy often tests or breaks relationships, and Melissa acknowledges her gratitude for her husband but also her pragmatic outlook on how not all couples manage to survive such trauma.

Embracing a New Life and Purpose (35:23 – 39:56)

• John and Melissa discuss coming to terms with “the life you never wanted,” and the necessity of building a new normal after tragedy.
  • “How do I build a life in spite of?” (John, 35:41)
  • “You have to learn to embrace the life that you never wanted.” (Melissa, 35:41)
• Melissa is candid about her motivations for starting her podcast and community: both to help others and heal herself.
  • “I'd be 100% lying if I didn't say when I started the podcast... on some level it was as selfish as it was selfless.” (Melissa, 38:23)

On Support, Resources, and Taking Action (39:37 – 40:38)

• The episode closes with practical points on where to find Melissa’s work:
  • Podcast: “The Leftover Pieces: The Suicide Loss Conversations” – available on all major platforms.
  • Website: theleftoverpieces.com, offering resources and communities for survivors.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On hidden struggles:
  “By all indications there was absolutely the opposite of [suicidal warning signs] going on.”
  —Melissa Bottorf Airey, 07:35

• On grief’s complexity:
  “I kind of thought I knew grief... but that doesn't even live in the same wheelhouse of this.”
  —Melissa Bottorf Airey, 16:50

• On survivor’s guilt:
  “I really feel like there’s nothing different I could have done.”
  —Melissa Bottorf Airey, 36:24

• On the unique bond between those with shared loss:
  “No one can help someone out of a dark hole like someone who’s been in that dark hole.”
  —John J. Wiley, 23:20

• On well-meaning but painful remarks:
  “How about, ‘You still have two other children?’”
  —Melissa Bottorf Airey, 25:10

• On rebuilding after loss:
  “You have to learn to embrace the life that you never wanted.”
  —Melissa Bottorf Airey, 35:41

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Melissa’s motivation and background: 03:09
• Alex’s struggles and the absence of red flags: 04:49–08:25
• The day of the loss and family trauma: 12:05–15:47
• The inadequacy of typical advice and social withdrawal: 23:20–29:22
• Marriage impact and family dynamics post-loss: 31:01–34:33
• Building a new purpose, helping others: 35:41–40:04
• Resources and where to find help: 40:04–40:38

Conclusion

Melissa Bottorf Airey’s story, told with remarkable honesty and compassion, offers invaluable perspective for anyone touched by suicide, whether directly or indirectly. The episode stands as a testament to the strength found in vulnerability and community, the often invisible nature of mental health struggles, and the enduring process of grief.

Listeners are left with a sense of hope—that, with support, it is possible to move forward and even find new meaning after unimaginable loss.

Resources cited:

• theleftoverpieces.com – grief resources, support communities, and the podcast
• “The Leftover Pieces: Suicide Loss Conversations” – available on major podcast platforms