Her Journey From Domestic Violence

Summary

---

Law Enforcement Talk: True Crime and Trauma Stories

Episode: Her Journey From Domestic Violence

Host: John "Jay" Wiley
Guest: Victoria Coray
Date: May 20, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This episode features Victoria Coray, who survived extreme domestic violence that left her with lifelong injuries and trauma. Now an advocate for domestic violence victims and special needs families, Victoria shares her personal journey from corporate success to entrapment by an abuser, her fight to escape, and her ongoing work to help others reclaim their lives. Her story emphasizes the hidden realities victims face, the warning signs, the failures of support systems, and the resilience required to rebuild.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Prevalence and Nature of Domestic Violence

(01:01 – 04:12)

• Domestic violence is alarmingly common, cutting across all demographics.
• John & Victoria agree society doesn’t do enough to prevent or address it effectively.
• Law enforcement faces challenges in prosecuting without clear evidence, and legal reforms have only partially helped.
• Notable Quote:
  “Maybe it's partly the phrase—beating people and assaulting people, whether you're married or not, is not proper, it's not right and it's illegal, and no one should be doing it. End of story.” – John J. Wiley (02:41)

2. How Victims Become Entrapped

(04:28 – 06:14)

• Abusers often present as charming and charismatic, isolating the victim gradually.
• Victoria describes the “roller coaster” courtship and how abusers play on the victim’s insecurities and desires.
• “Nobody says, hey, I'm going to get up today. And I'm going to find myself someone who's going to beat me. That just doesn't happen.” – Victoria Coray (04:33)

3. Societal Myths & Victim Blaming

(07:22 – 08:48)

• Victoria confronts common blame: “Why did she stay?” and the misconception that leaving is simple.
• The necessity of shelters and support, especially post-COVID, as demand outpaces resources.
• “You're absolutely 1,000% true. And...there’s not enough knowledge, there’s not enough awareness being brought to the forefront.” – Victoria Coray (07:22)

4. Systemic and Legal Responses

(08:48 – 11:16)

• John recounts changes after a landmark case in Torrington, Connecticut, shifting police practices toward mandatory arrests.
• Challenges persist: sometimes the law penalizes officers attempting to protect victims.

---

Victoria’s Personal Story

5. Early Warning Signs and Courtship

(12:02 – 16:02)

• Victoria was an independent, career woman longing for a family.
• She met her abuser soon after a breakup; he quickly manipulated her emotionally, moving the relationship at a relentless pace.
• At her wedding, she “knew this was wrong,” but was swayed by guilt and gestures like a thoughtful gift.
• Manipulation included: “If you had just done what I said, I wouldn’t have had to do this. I’m really sorry, it won’t happen again.” – abuser’s words relayed by Victoria (22:01)

6. On Ignoring Intuition and Early Manipulation

(15:25 – 18:54)

• Victoria admits she saw red flags but second-guessed herself, manipulated into dismissing her instincts.
• John emphasizes to listeners, especially women, to trust their gut:
  “Trust your God-given instincts. If you’re wrong, you can always apologize. If you are right and you ignore them, you can get really, really, really hurt.” – John J. Wiley (16:43)

7. The Escalation of Abuse

(22:01 – 30:09)

• Abuse began after she became pregnant: first a slap, then it escalated.
• She was isolated from support, and threats to her life and her unborn child became routine. The abuser demonstrated his power by killing her puppy.
• Systematic abuse included physical assaults for minor “infractions” (late dinner, undone laundry), over 100 surgeries, and being stabbed over a dozen times.
• Controlling behaviors: monitoring every move, checking calls, forbidding contact with others.
• The abuser used his position in the military and social ties in a small town to prevent Victoria from accessing help:
  “They just—‘What did you do to make a mess? Why didn’t you just do what he asked?’...I really began to lose who I was.” – Victoria Coray (27:11)

---

Recognizing Domestic Abuse: Warning Signs

(33:11 – 34:32)

• Isolation from friends and family; withdrawal from social settings.
• Victims become anxious, watchful of time, unable to make eye contact, fearful.
• Changes in demeanor: lack of personality, acting “programmed.”
• Physical signs: unexplained injuries, wincing, efforts to hide bruises.

Notable Quote:
“They will see that they're isolated...They watch their time a lot...You might see indications on their person that shows older injury. Or if you hug them and they wince, you'll see that something's going on.” – Victoria Coray (33:11)

---

The Escape and Aftermath

8. The Physical and Emotional Toll

(35:13 – 37:59)

• Victoria has endured over 100 surgeries; her daughter, born premature due to abuse, has undergone 34 surgeries.
• Injuries include nerve and hearing loss, “completely rebuilt” jaw, shoulder, and extensive metal implants.
• She maintains humor and resilience about her “bionic” body:
  “I joke around now with my husband and say I'm like 8, 9, 14. Depends on the body part because I feel like I've been scooped out like a pumpkin and everything in me is titanium...I say, I'm the bionic woman.” – Victoria Coray (37:13)

9. Advice for Victims and Their Supporters

(37:59 – 39:42)

• “No one has that much power over you. You have survived 100% of your worst days thus far. You can get out with a successful escape plan.”
• The cycle can and must be broken for the sake of children:
  “What you're showing a daughter is that it's okay for a man to treat her that way. What you're showing a son is that it's okay for him to treat a woman that way. And it's not.” – Victoria Coray (38:15)
• A successful escape requires planning, resources, and support.

---

Reclaiming Life & Advocacy

10. Writing as Catharsis and Activism

(39:58 – 41:22)

• Victoria wrote her memoir "Who Kicked First?" while her daughter was in a coma, as a way to process trauma and help others see that escape is possible.
• Encouraged by hospital staff to share her story, she realized, “He doesn’t have that power over me.”

11. Helping Others: A Contagious Smile

(41:22 – 42:19)

• Victoria’s website a contagious smile.com offers resources for victims and families with special needs.
• She provides direct support, escape planning, and empowerment through group presentations, advocacy, and her podcast.

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Comparison of Trauma:
  “One, two, whatever. It’s still too many and should never, ever happen. I look at everybody equally. It's not a competition anyone wants to be in.” – Victoria Coray (23:41)
• On Resilience:
  “With that tiny little bit of inner light that they know they have, it's still in there. Even though they feel like they're at their lowest, it's still flickering. And we can bring back that inner light.” – Victoria Coray (39:23)
• On Victim Blaming:
  “We have to prove that we're telling the truth to the abuser.” – Victoria Coray (39:58)

---

How to Get Help or Involved

• Book & Resources:
  Victoria’s memoir, "Who Kicked First?" and support information is available at acontagioussmile.com.
• Contact Victoria:
  • Email via her website
  • Join the Facebook support group (A Contagious Smile)
  • Instagram and podcast: The Contagious Smile

---

Final Reflections

Victoria’s story is a harrowing illustration of the realities of domestic violence, the insidious manipulation of abusers, and the systemic hurdles victims face. Her journey from isolation and repeated trauma to advocacy highlights that recovery is possible. Through her work and her voice, she offers hope, practical advice, and a powerful call for society to be vigilant and supportive to those in need.

---

Key Timestamps

• Domestic violence realities: (01:01–04:12)
• Manipulation and early red flags: (04:28–06:14; 12:02–16:02)
• Isolation and escalation of abuse: (22:01–30:09)
• Recognizing abuse – warning signs: (33:11–34:32)
• Physical toll and surgeries: (35:13–37:59)
• Advice for victims: (37:59–39:42)
• Writing the memoir and advocacy: (39:58–41:22)
• How to contact for help: (41:22–42:19)

---

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, reach out to local resources or visit a contagious smile.com for support and guidance.

Transcript

[John J. Wiley]

When I found out I was going to be a parent, I immediately felt a lot of anxiety and worry. So I went on to BetterHelp to try to look for a therapist to help me with that.

[Victoria Coray]

My relationship with my family and with my boyfriend and with myself were suffering. I really needed help. I was ruminating a lot. Really getting those thoughts out to a therapist and getting feedback was just life changing.

[John J. Wiley]

Discover what BetterHelp online therapy can do for you. Visit betterhelp.com today.

[Lowe's Announcer]

During Memorial Day at Lowe's Shop Household Must haves for less. Save $80 on a Char Broil Performance Series 4 Burner Grill to chef up something special plus get up to 45% off. Select major appliances to keep things fresh. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Lowe's we help you Save valid through 527 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See Lowes.com for details.

[Victoria Coray]

Visit your nearby Lowe'

[John J. Wiley]

she endured extreme domestic violence, so much so that she's still having surgeries as a result of injuries. Today she broke free and now she dedicates her life to helping others in domestic violence situations and special needs families. Welcome to the Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show. In the Law Enforcement Talk Radio show, we are joined by special guests talking about their experiences, their realities of investigating crimes, plus those who have experienced horrendous trauma. Police, first responders, military and victims of crime share their stories. Hi, I'm John J. Wiley. In addition to being a broadcaster, I'm also a retired police sergeant. Be sure to check out our website letradio.com and also like us on Facebook. Search for the Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show. Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel. Look for Law Enforcement Talk Radio show and podcast on YouTube.com and be sure to subscribe. Like everything we do, it is free. Look for and subscribe to Law Enforcement Talk radio show and podcast on YouTube for great police videos and episodes of the podcast. Joining us from the Atlanta, Georgia area, Victoria Coray on the phone. Victoria has a pen name. She's written a book called who Kicked First? A Personal Memoir. She's a paralegal, she's a master's degree, two black belts and went through a horrible, horrible case of domestic violence and now dedicates her life to helping victims of domestic violence and special needs families. Victoria, thanks so much for being a guest on the show. Very much appreciated.

[Victoria Coray]

Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

[John J. Wiley]

This is unfortunately something that happens way too often and I'll be honest with you Victoria, I don't Know what it's going to take to get through to society that putting your hands on people, domestic violence, and maybe it's partly the phrase beating people and assaulting people, whether you're married to them or not, is not proper, it's not right and it's illegal and no one should be doing it. End of story.

[Victoria Coray]

Absolutely.

[John J. Wiley]

I don't get it. My years of police work, it was one of the most frustrating things in the world to see because you wound up going to the same houses all the time for the same calls. Domestic violence. And unless there was actual evidence, there's not a whole lot you could do about it. And even when there was, when the laws started changing after Torrington, Connecticut, you started arresting people because of fear they wouldn't prosecute and nothing would happen. And sometimes we wound up being dispatched there for the. The victim had been beaten for so long, was killed.

[Victoria Coray]

Yes, that's basically the same here.

[John J. Wiley]

And it's a heartbreaking cycle to go through. I don't know what the answers are. And I'm so glad you're here to tell your story because I think a lot of people are like me, even those experienced, even those trained, even those who've gone through years of dealing with this really are not well equipped to understand the situation from the victim's point of view. And that's a word I don't like using. But there's not a word that fits.

[Victoria Coray]

Correct. And it's also very scary for an officer from their point of view going in. Isn't that one of the higher threat level calls for you to go on?

[John J. Wiley]

Oh, yeah. Domestic violence calls, family disturbance calls can be very violent and very, very dangerous.

[Victoria Coray]

Right.

[John J. Wiley]

You did not set out to wind up in this type of situation. I don't think anybody does, do they?

[Victoria Coray]

No, nobody at all does. We are pulled in by a very charming, charismatic genius. They really are incredibly smart because they play on what you are missing and in the court shape, period. When they're in their courting phase, they. They just almost make you like a trophy where they're so proud and boisterous about you and brag about you to their family and look at what I have. This is amazing. And then they like literally rush you down on roller skates, hypothetically to, you know, the. We have to get married. We've been so long without each other. I don't want to wait anymore. And it literally just is a tailspin to get into a situation with someone like that because nobody says, hey, I'm going to get up today. And I'm going to find myself someone who's going to beat me. That just doesn't happen. That's not realistic. This is not. And we go through such. Excuse my French. We go through. There's no other way to look at it. There's no nicer way to look at it. And society doesn't put enough emphasis on helping the abuser. And I know, you know, for all of your years, thank you for what you've done. Is the fact that you come into the situation and it is a he said, she said. You do take one and the other takes the other, and it's. You can't do anything about it. And it just keeps happening. I had so much proof, and I kept going back and going back and saying, he's going to kill me. He's going to kill me. And it was just like, what is it going to take to get help here? And I had no one. Literally no one.

[John J. Wiley]

First of all, I'm sorry, and that doesn't really mean a whole lot over the phone in a radio studio, but I'm sorry you went through this. No one should have to go through this. I'm a father of two daughters. My dad was queer Navy guy. He was gone a lot. I was raised by a mother, have four younger sisters. And this kind of stuff is just not tolerated. When someone has an issue, let's just say a young man has issues in his teenage years. If the father's not around to help, the mother's not around to help, the neighbors would help and they'd get involved, the neighborhood boys. And we teach people how to have respect for each other. And sometimes it wasn't done nicely, but we learned our lessons. You didn't do these sorts of things. And there's no saying, I don't know whether it's true or not. I'd love to hear your input. Hurt people, hurt other people. And I see sometimes cases of people dealing with trauma, dealing with violence, growing up, all sorts of other things, and that becomes an explanation for why they're abusers. I don't believe, in my opinion, that is an excuse at all.

[Victoria Coray]

I agree. Agree completely. I talk to a lot of families and I encourage them to bring their children abroad. Age, not, you know, young kids, obviously, but their. Their families, their, you know, people who are not supportive. Because I really get into a different dynamic and way of looking at things, and I kind of try to bring them in. And I have dealt with so many really stubborn individuals that say, well, that's her fault. Why did she Stay. Why didn't she leave? You know, she asked for it because she stayed. And. And you know, I actually love when I get the opportunity to discuss that because I bring a light to it that a lot of people haven't seen. And you're absolutely 1,000% true. And it's just there's not enough knowledge, there's not enough awareness being brought to the forefront to help get this under control, especially now that Covid has been here and everybody's in place. The numbers of domestic violence are going through the roof and nobody's helping. And you have people that are trying to get out, trying to go to a shelter and they're booked because of COVID There's no opening, but you can't get in. And you're making us stay with our attacker. We have all these empty buildings in place. We have all these other facilities that are in place. Why can't we use some of that and help these women and children before it's too late?

[John J. Wiley]

Yeah, I certainly don't have the answer to that. I do know this. When I started in policing in 1980, it was different somewhere. The early 80s, the mid-80s, there was a landmark case out of Torrington, Connecticut involving extreme case of domestic violence. And from that point on, every police department in the United States changed the way they did things. And what we were instructed to do before that incident, it was you would give them the information, you take report and you'd be up to the victim. There's that word I don't like again to go swear out a warrant for that person's arrest because unless it was committed in our presence, we didn't have the ability to arrest them. When it came down to this Torrington, Connecticut case, if we believed or we saw any evidence of domestic violence or believed that when we left that there was a reasonable chance that someone be harmed, somebody had to go to jail, that's just the way it was. And I've had guests on the show that followed through that recently and wound up being arrested and charged and fired for doing just that. This is law enforcement show. We're going to take a short break. Return to our conversation with Victoria Couray. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. You can find us on Facebook. Just search for the law enforcement talk radio show and be sure to click like

[Lowe's Announcer]

during Memorial Day at Lowe's shop Household must haves for less. Save $80 on a Char Broil Performance Series 4 burner grill to chef up special plus get up to 45% off select major appliances to keep things fresh. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Lowe's we help you save valid through 527 while supplies last selection varies by location. See Lowes.com for details.

[Victoria Coray]

Visit your nearby Lowe's.

[Grainger Announcer]

When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast, dependable delivery so you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[John J. Wiley]

This is Law Enforcement Show. Returning our conversation with Victoria Coray is a domestic violence survivor, also an advocate for other domestic violence victims, special needs families. She's written a book called who Kicked First? A memoir. She also has a website, I believe it's called a contagious smile.com where you can get more information as well. Victoria, this is most of my conversations on Law Enforcement show are tough. They're difficult. This is one that I'm very, very sensitive about because I'm uncomfortable and I don't know where to ask. So what I would like you to do is a lot of people don't understand how someone winds up in a situation and how bad it can get. Can you talk about your situation?

[Victoria Coray]

Absolutely. I. Let me back up for a moment so I can give you a little background. I was in the corporate world. I had everything else going for me except I wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything. That's what I felt I was lacking in my life. Prior to that, I had been with a police officer I had dated for four years. He was the love of my life and we broke up. And only time in my life, Jay, ever I rebounded was with this monster. And I met him. He was very charismatic, very charming, very alluring, not physically attractive, which is fine because, you know, looks fate. I'd rather have someone on the inside that a nice gentleman, true guy. And it was just I traveled for work so we didn't see each other all the time like people normally do in the dating, courtship period. And he literally was just that charismatic, sweet guy that you're like, no, something's not right. Like you just kind of feel it. And then you're kind of like, well, maybe I'm just not over what I went through. And he knew how bad I wanted children and he went so far as to talk about things that he had seen overseas. He went on to. He was active duty in military. I didn't know that right in the very, very beginning. And he would talk about how his whole family was nothing but foster families, and they fostered so many kids. And that's who he grew up with and his love for kids. And he now feels like he's ready to settle down and have that family. And we've both not had what we've looked for for so long. Why should we go any longer without it? And when I would try to put the brakes on and say, hey, it's going a little fast, he would give me some sob story. And I, hon, honestly started to feel like I am a jerk because here I am being so shallow to someone who has done nothing wrong by me. And I'm like, we need to slow down and just take a break. And he was like, we have been not together long enough. Let's start our life. Let's start, you know, living happiness and togetherness. And so next thing I know, I'm on my wedding day, and I just tells you how old that I am. I'm sitting on the floor getting ready with my Palm Pilot in my hand, looking at airfare to return back because we had gone out of town to get married. And I knew this was wrong. Every product in my being knew that this was not right. But I started just sitting there and closed my eyes and thought about it. I prayed about it. And it was like something calming came over me and was so. Just almost like a sense of relief. And he said to me, I have a wedding gift for you. And my grandparents meant the world to me. I don't even know how he got it. I have no idea to this day how he got it. He found a picture of my grandparents that was in my apartment because we didn't even live together until after we were married. And he had gotten it framed, blown up and framed, and said, since they meant the world to you and I was unable to meet them, I would really like to have them at our wedding. And I figured that they could be standing with us during the ceremony.

[John J. Wiley]

This guy sounds like a wonderful guy. In the very beginning, there's important things you said that I think we need to go back to. And people. Look, people want to argue this all day long. God given, nature given, whatever it is, something about the situation made you say it's not right. But then you felt guilty and maybe. Was that a manipulation? I think of that part.

[Victoria Coray]

I do. I do. Because whenever I Started to be like, something's not right. He would come back and be like, it's just because you've never experienced this before. Maybe you don't think you deserve this, you know, but you do. And your grandparents would want to see you happy.

[John J. Wiley]

And here's why I bring it up. One of the things that I was taught and I taught people, especially women who are victims of crime for some reason, and my wife and I have had this conversation many times. My daughters have that many times. Many women, in my opinion, are concerned, overly concerned about seeming rude. And I tell people all the time, trust your God given instincts or nature given instincts. If something tells you there's something wrong about this, something makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Trust those. If you're wrong, you can always apologize. If you are right and you ignore them because you're afraid of looking rude, you can get really, really, really hurt.

[Victoria Coray]

Yes.

[John J. Wiley]

And I don't.

[Victoria Coray]

I don't.

[John J. Wiley]

Victoria. I don't know what the answer to that is. I don't know how we get people to say, hey, no, something about this is the right. Let me. Let me hold off for a while and then check you out later on.

[Victoria Coray]

Well, to be honest with you, it depends. If you have a real genuine, nice person, I don't think they would mind, you know, kind of taking a step back. But this one was like, no. And then guilt tripped up me.

[John J. Wiley]

Even I could just go to my experience. I was married once before. Police work, I say, and my inability to handle things better really killed that marriage. I was sworn to be a bachelor the rest of my life. I was convinced I was unlovable and unloved and nothing. Then I met my wife. And I was convinced, Victoria, that I would never, ever get serious with anybody ever again. That's the way I acted. And within three or four months, I knew I wanted to marry her. And I asked her to marry me on a sky swing where we were about 100ft in the air. And she's like, she was crushing my arm because her arms are interlocked. She goes, yeah, pull the rib cord. We'll talk about this later on. Give me a few months. And you know what? I gave her a few months to think about it. If it was right, then it'd be right later on. It wasn't a big deal, right?

[Victoria Coray]

Absolutely. That's true. That's very true. But that's because you're a genuine nice guy, Jay. This guy was like, I've been through so much overseas. I saw so Many things and blah, blah, blah. I just, I. You don't have the promise of tomorrow. And I just want us to have that family that I've always wanted, you've always wanted. And why are we letting anyone else prevent us from having that? And I was like, I'm a schmuck. Why am I so, you know, being so against this? And he was good. He was really good at making you feel so belittled that you just kind of gave in.

[John J. Wiley]

And so you made the choice to go ahead and get married. And because it's what you wanted, you really wanted. And you thought you were convinced at that point, even with your, your hesitations and little things that made you go not right, you're convinced this was going to be the relationship for you. This was going to be the life for you. You're going to have the other part of your life you didn't want.

[Victoria Coray]

Yes and no. I knew. I had even told him prior to that. I had yet to fall in love with him. I loved him as a person. I loved his beliefs, but I hadn' falling in love with him. And he convinced me that I was preventing myself from allowing that to happen because I was so, you know, like I was just mentally not ready after just coming out of a four year relationship. And that if I would just put that wall and that guard down, then I would be right where he is and he would see how I'm seeing. Those are his words. And I like, okay. And he goes, we could have a life where you don't have to worry about this and that and this and we'd be a family and okay. And he just had me like liter. I felt like Beetlejuice in the movie with my head spinning around and around.

[John J. Wiley]

We're going to take a short break. We're talking with Victoria Curry. We're going to talk more about how bad things got with the domestic violence, her journey afterwards. There's so much more heading your way and things that you are a parent or grandparent you need to be aware of. This is the law enforcement show. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

[Grainger Announcer]

I try to start my day every day with rooms on the Clubhouse audio app that is free. Think of the Clubhouse app as your own talk radio station. And best of all, it is free. And make sure that after you download the Clubhouse app that you follow John

[Victoria Coray]

J. Wiley or look for ET Radio show.

[Grainger Announcer]

That's the free Clubhouse app and follow John J. Wiley or look for ET Radio show

[Lowe's Announcer]

pros. Save more on the materials you need to get the job done inside and out at Lowe's right now, get 10% off in stock Trex Naturals decking now available in more styles. Plus get 15% off select custom entry, interior and storm doors. Then we'll deliver it all straight to your job site. To help keep your jobs moving, get the brand's pros trust priced right and ready when you need them. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's, valid through 527 while supplies last selection varies by location.

[Grainger Announcer]

When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast dependable delivery so you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[John J. Wiley]

It's a law enforcement show. Returning our conversation with Victoria Kure. She is a domestic violence survivor, author of the book who Kicked First? A memoir. Her Website A Contagious Smile.com Advocating for Victims of domestic violence, special needs families and more. Be sure to check it out. The contagious smile.com we went to break Victoria. You wound up, you got married. You were convinced to get married. And at what point did you start to see the ugly side?

[Victoria Coray]

It was shortly after the marriage. I moved in officially after the marriage because I had an apartment and we got pregnant right away. Not by, it was just, you know, it happened. We got pregnant. And then after we learned that I was pregnant, the abuse began. And like you've heard, I am sure, so many times, the first time I was like, that did not just happen. I know he did not just hit me. And he was like, well, if you had just done what I had said, I wouldn't have had to do this. And I'm really sorry. It won't happen again. And I was, I was dumbfounded. I was like, I know you didn't just do that. And then it happened again and again and again. And it escalated as time went on. And I own what I've done. I own my mistakes. Nobody's perfect. I made a deal with the devil. I told him as long as he did not hit my stomach, I would not fight him back. Because the first time I told him I was going to try and leave, he shot and killed my puppy to show me what he would do to me if I tried to get out Holy cow. And I am pregnant. I am alone. I have been isolated from friends and family, and I am literally all alone. And so then it escalated. So as time went on, the abuse got more intense. Now I have to say, one hit, one slap, one kick, one punch, whatever it is, it's one too many.

[John J. Wiley]

Absolutely.

[Victoria Coray]

Way too many. Right? I don't. When I have someone say, oh, you know, I got punched twice, I don't compare it and say, well, I've had 100 surgeries or over 100 surgeries to correct what my ex did. Don't come to me complaining because that was nothing. That's not true. One, two, whatever. It's still too many and should never, ever happen. And that's it. I look at everybody equally. It's not a competition that anyone wants to be in.

[John J. Wiley]

And unfortunately, way too many people have a thing where they compare trauma. Well, mine's not as bad as so and so. Therefore, I don't. I shouldn't need help. Or let's save that help for someone who really needs it, because mine's really not that bad. Look, my life's not that bad will kill a lot of people. And it's about. It's about having a good life. It's about having an enjoyable life. The life you want, it may not be exactly what you want, but you want to get kind of close to what you want. But being beaten, being kicked, being hit, having a puppy shot in front of you, that's not. That's not acceptable any time, anywhere, under any circumstances.

[Victoria Coray]

Correct.

[John J. Wiley]

And part of me is getting really angry just listening to you go through this. Because, look, we've never met. I said before, I've got two daughters and I'm. I'm an old school, old fashioned guy. My daughters Live in Buffalo, N.Y. and one of the things, when they start dating, someone's married. Her husband's a really good guy. The other one is still single. One of the jokes that we have is when they tell me they're starting to talk to someone or they're dating whoever. I tell them all the time, you tell him if he hurts you. I will fly up to Buffalo, New York. I will go to a convenience store. They sell ski masks there and master locks and socks. And I will bend him into a pretzel and fly back to Florida. I don't care.

[Victoria Coray]

Good for you. We need more dads like you.

[John J. Wiley]

I just don't get it. I don't, I don't. I don't want to be that guy. Here's what the result is when. And they tell those guys and no one touches them.

[Victoria Coray]

Right. Oh, I know.

[John J. Wiley]

So here you are, you're isolated, you're alone, you're going through this and you're pregnant.

[Victoria Coray]

Yes.

[John J. Wiley]

I hate to ask this because I know there's worse. You said you had 100 surgeries so far. It escalated. It got even worse than that, didn't it?

[Victoria Coray]

Yes, sir.

[John J. Wiley]

Can you talk about some of that or no?

[Victoria Coray]

Yes. It's taken me quite a long time. Almost a couple decades too. He got to the point where if dinner was on the table late, I would get my nose broken. If I didn't have the laundry completely done and the clothes put away and his uniforms pressed and ready for the next day, I would get a dislocated shoulder, a broken finger. It was always something huge. It was just any of it is huge. But going through it and while you're pregnant, it's a challenge. So then he started getting into things that were even worse, if that's even possible. He started he in the nursery that we were going to use. He had his computer in there and he was participating in. You have to help me here with this, Jay, because this is very hard for me to disclose. Young, young females.

[John J. Wiley]

Gotcha.

[Victoria Coray]

And to me that is just not, I mean, not the abuse either. I'm just saying to be in to child pornography is so beyond disgusting. So is abuse. I'm not trying to take away from that, but it's so disgusting. And it like I wasn't allowed to be in there while he was in there. That was his quote unquote time. I didn't know what he was watching until I walked in once to bring him something to drink. And I literally almost just collapsed because I couldn't believe what my eyes were looking at. But the abuse, he would drag me through the house, I would get carpet burns. He stabbed me over a dozen times. I kept going. Now I understand. And I know because you told me, even your dad, I know not every branch of this military in the United States is bad. I'm the first one to say that. I do know that there is quite a bit of people who turned a blind eye that are military. And I know that because I was married to one and we were in a small military town. His command was, you know, he had a very small platoon. I kept going to his platoon saying, you've got to help me. This man's going to kill me. And I'm very light skinned. I have very, very like China white skin. And very obvious when I am trying to hide bruises and dislocations and swollen this and black eye that. And they just. What did you do to make a mess? Why didn't you just do what he asked? And then I said, well, are you ever going to do anything? And I've never Jay heard this saying before. They said, well, we'll make him grab real estate. What does that mean? You're going to make him grab real estate? I wasn't allowed to speak to them. He made sure I wasn't allowed to. He didn't want to see me around anyone. I wasn't allowed to talk to another man. He was, he was spot check me all the time. He would call me in my office to make sure that I was in my office or I had to call him when I arrived so he could see it on the caller id. I was absolutely not allowed to go anywhere that my ex boyfriend would be on patrol. They hated each other. Like I can't even explain how much they disliked each other. And they, they only met the first time after that. I introduced them and they had never known each other prior. So everywhere I went had to be like, here, here, here. If I was going to the grocery store, I had to bring back the receipt. If I wasn't back in a timely manner, he'd show up at the store or try because we're in a small town or he'd try to go and see where I was. If I was on the road on the way back, why it took me so long, he would take my cell phone and check every call that was in there. He would not allow me to have a charger until he said it was okay. It was so that I really began to lose who I was. I lost my own identity. I went from this really strong, independent corporate woman who had been teaching martial arts at one point to jumping at every noise, to literally learning his patterns and learning how to adapt to the situation.

[John J. Wiley]

That doesn't sound like control. That sounds like hostage taking to me. This is law enforcement. How we'll turn our conversation with Victoria Couray and how she escaped and what she's doing today. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. If you do any business on social media, creating content is one thing. The trick is how do you turn those people comment on your social media into consumers? It's a great tool and you can get more [e-mail] that's L E T P O P S dot com. Best of all, you can start it for free. L E T pops.com check it out today.

[Lowe's Announcer]

Pros save more on the materials you need to get the job done inside and out At Lowe's right now, get 10% off in stock Trex Naturals decking now available in more styles. Plus get 15% off select custom entry, interior and storm doors. Then then we'll deliver it all straight to your job site. To help keep your jobs moving, get the brand's pros trust priced right and ready when you need them. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's, valid through 527, while supplies last selection varies by location.

[Grainger Announcer]

When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters, but when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast, dependable delivery so you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[John J. Wiley]

I drive my bus in a busy city.

[Victoria Coray]

That's why road safety is so important to me. I know that I must slow down and be extra careful when I make a wide turn.

[John J. Wiley]

Buses need more room than cars.

[Victoria Coray]

Everyone can help keep our roads safe.

[John J. Wiley]

Next time you're driving, remember to give

[Victoria Coray]

buses plenty of time and space to finish turning before driving ahead. Let's all plan to share the road safely. Learn how at www.sharetheroadsafely.gov.

[John J. Wiley]

As the Law Enforcement show returned to conversation with Victoria Couray. She is is a domestic violence survivor. Also, she wrote the book who Kicked First, a memoir. Her website is a contagious smile.com which is a lot of work with domestic violence survivors, also families with special needs children. Now, early in the conversation, Victoria and I really appreciate you spending time talking about this. There's two things I want to cover really quickly. One is what are the things that family members need to look out for. And number two, I know you've had lots of surgeries trying to recover from the injuries. Let's talk about the signs that families need to be aware of first. That there's a problem.

[Victoria Coray]

Sure. Well, first you will see that they'll bring the person to male or female because there's been abuse on both sides. They start bringing around the person. They start showing them off to everybody. Then you kind of see that person kind of fade out, kind of fade away from the picture. They will see that they're isolated. If they see them, it's never going to be with a partner at first, they're going to become that withdrawn individual who can't look you in the eye, who's very paranoid, if you will, around their surroundings, who's around. They watch their time a lot. They check their phone, they keep looking because they have to be home at a certain time. They have to be somewhere at a certain time. If they are with their significant other or their partner, AKA their abuser, then everything that they say is going to be almost programmed where you give absolutely no indication of what's going on. And that's not normally the person that you love or your friend. It's somebody who is going through a horrific situation. You might see indications on their person that shows older injury. Or if they get up and you hug them and they wince, you'll see that there is something going on there. Just attain in their overall disposition. You'll know something is going on that way. And then you can try and help. And a lot of people are afraid to. A lot of people are afraid to get out there and help.

[John J. Wiley]

A lot of people, myself included, don't know the right things to say. And. Well, I've already went back to my conversation with my daughters that you heard about. I obviously don't have that problem. If I suspect something's going on, I'll be very confrontational about it. That's if someone gets upset. That's just the way it goes. You obviously made your way. You escaped this, and I applaud you for that because that's a huge decision and it's not something that happens overnight. And I know it's easy to look back and say, well, something about that person. He must want this. If he continues to stay, that's not the case. I call it burning many bridges till you cross that last bridge and you make the difficult choices to move forward. So you did that?

[Victoria Coray]

Yes, sir.

[John J. Wiley]

You've had multiple injuries. You mentioned you've had 100 surgeries so far.

[Victoria Coray]

I stopped counting at 100. It was almost to the point. I just didn't want to know anymore. It was like, all right, here we go. I was on the OR table so often that I could literally say, I want this one as my anesthesiologist. And because it was just so frequent that that's what it as my daughter is special needs because she came early because of the pregnancy and the abuse. She's had 34 surgeries. Thriving survivor. Absolutely amazing. I have had over a dozen stabbings. Both sides, if you could have seen me, you could see that both sides of my face have had to be completely rebuilt. My mandala and my mandibular jaws are both totally titanium. All of it is been replaced because they were shattered so bad, I've become deaf. My eardrums were ruptured so bad that I've had to have hearing aids now because I only have 20% hearing in one and no hearing at all in the other.

[John J. Wiley]

And that would explain for those that there's some audio issues on Victoria's end, and that's so that we can hear her story.

[Victoria Coray]

I apologize for that, But I can hear it.

[John J. Wiley]

I don't want you. I just want people to understand that that's the reason why. It's not because of a lack of thought or foreplanning or any of that. That's what was required so you could be a guest and tell your story when you left. And you're still going through this, by the way. You're an incredibly young person still. I'm a geezer, so I've.

[Victoria Coray]

No, you're not. I think we're closer in age than you think.

[John J. Wiley]

I've had so many surgeries as a result of police work. Three on my right hand and wrist, a couple steel plates, one on my left shoulder. And my wife jokes around about all the scars, that they are street tattoos and the steel plates are body jewelry from my time in police. Yes. So maybe you've got that body jewelry and street tattoos as well.

[Victoria Coray]

I joke around now with my husband and say I'm like 8, 9, 14. Depends on the body part because I feel like I've been scooped out like a pumpkin and everything in me is titanium. My left hand is paralyzed, and it's all plate and pins and screws in my fingers. I have no. They did a nerve conductive study in there. I have no nerve in there. I've had a nerve transposition. I've had a nerve transplant done because of the damage. My shoulder has been completely replaced, and that's all titanium. My knees, my foot have a screws and plates in it. I have a plate in my head. I literally. I say, I'm the bionic woman. And I joke around that I could be like the Terminator, like Lindsey Wagner.

[John J. Wiley]

That was her name, right? Long time ago. What would you say to people that are going through this that are victims of domestic violence? And I know people want to say, well, mine's not as bad as hers. Bad is bad. If you're going through that, what would you tell them? How do you get beyond this?

[Victoria Coray]

I say to them that no one has that much power over you. I went to court. I took him on. I took on, got the rights, terminated, that you have an inner light. And what really gets me is when they say they have kids. Let's say you don't think you're worth it. Do you think your kids are worth it? Because they are. And what you're showing a daughter is that it's okay for a man to treat her that way. What you're showing a son is that it's okay for him to treat a woman that way. And it's not. And you have an inner light, and it is flickering. And even if it's just barely flickering, it will still light up a room, and you're worth it. And you can get out. You can survive. You have survived 100% of your worst days thus far. You can get out with a successful escape plan. That's why so many people go back, is because they don't have it in play. They don't have everything together and organized and know how to get out and be safe. And that's what I help others do. I help them realize what they're missing and what they need to do and get there. And they are worth it. Their children are worth it. We need to stop the cycle and get them the help that they need. That's what is so crucial and important. And with that tiny little bit of inner light that they know they have, it's still in there. Even though they feel like they're at their lowest, it's still flickering. And we can bring back that inner light and bring back to the forefront of who they were, because they're stronger than they know, because they've already survived 100% of their worst days.

[John J. Wiley]

You can't undo what happened in the past, but you can create a better life moving forward. Forward. It may not always be the life you want, but it's a whole lot better than it was. So you wrote a book, who Kicked First? A memoir. What prompted you to write this book?

[Victoria Coray]

My daughter was in a medically induced coma. I was in a wheelchair. I was unable to stimulate her because of the coma. And I was getting interrogated. And they come after the victim, Jay. They always put their eye on the victim. We have to prove that we're telling the truth to the abuser. And I just started venting on my laptop, and I was just putting down there, you know, what was going on, because I couldn't scream. I was. I literally felt like an asthmatic being suffocated in a cage of. That was the best way I could give an analogy of what I was going through. And I started just venting in to my laptop and I had a beautiful respiratory therapist come up to me and say, you will save somebody's life if you told your story. And I said, there's no way. Have you met him? Well, yeah, there's no way. And then I realized as time went on that he doesn't have that power over me. He testified in court that he knew never to hit me unless I was pregnant because I'd fight him back. I would absolutely self defend, never hit first, self defend. And he knew that. But I wanted my daughter to see what being a strong woman is and that you can come back from the lowest of lows and just soar to the top. And she deserved that. The listeners deserve that. Everyone deserves to have that happiness. And that's what I did. And so after about 10 years, I finally published it.

[John J. Wiley]

Awesome. And I say awesome, not that you went through this. Awesome. You wrote the book and you have a website. You do a lot of things. We're almost out of time. The website is the Contagious smile dot com. Can people buy the book there?

[Victoria Coray]

Yes.

[John J. Wiley]

And can they get information about a lot of other things that you make available there as well?

[Victoria Coray]

Yes, sir.

[John J. Wiley]

And last but not least, are you available for speaking and talking and group presentations about domestic violence or special needs families?

[Victoria Coray]

Absolutely.

[John J. Wiley]

And how do people get in touch you?

[Victoria Coray]

What's the best way they can go on to a contagious smile.com and email me directly? You will get me. You can go to our Facebook and we have a Facebook group, a Contagious Smile support group. And you can go to Instagram. I have my podcast, the Contagious Smile where we just showcase these beautiful individual souls. And I will get back to you absolutely. As soon as I can. And we will make this right. We will find that inner light again.

[John J. Wiley]

And you can also reach out to me and I will send her or do an email introduction. Victoria, thanks so much for being a guest on the show Tony Stories. Very much appreciated.

[Victoria Coray]

Thank you, sir.

[John J. Wiley]

I'd like to thank our guests for coming on the Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show. The Law Enforcement Talk Radio show is a nationally syndicated weekly radio show broadcast on Numerous AM&FM radio stations across the country. We're always adding more affiliate stations. If you enjoyed the podcast version of the show, which is always free, please do me a favor and tell a friend or two or three. I'll be back in just a few days with another episode of the Law Enforcement talk radio show and podcast. Until then, this is John J. Wiley. See ya.

[Lowe's Announcer]

Save more on the materials you need to get the job done inside and out at Lowe's right now get 10% off in stock Trex Naturals decking now available in more styles. Plus get 15% off select custom entry, interior and storm doors. Then we'll deliver it all straight to your job site to help keep your job moving. Get the brand's pros trust priced right and ready when you need them. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's, valid through 527 while supplies last selection varies by location.

[John J. Wiley]

This is the story of the 1. As a maintenance tech at a university, he knows ordering from multiple suppliers takes time away from keeping their arena up and running. That's why he counts on Granger to get everything he needs from lighting and H vac parts to plumbing supplies all in one place. And with fast, dependable delivery, he's stocked and ready for the next tip off. Call 1-800-GRAINGER click granger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Lowe's Announcer]

If you like the show, please take

[John J. Wiley]

a moment to rate, review and subscribe. It really does help the show to grow. Thank you for listening.