When a Sibling Is the Problem: Growing Up in Abuse.

Summary

---

Law Enforcement Talk: True Crime and Trauma Stories

Episode Summary: “When a Sibling Is the Problem: Growing Up in Abuse”

Host: John "Jay" Wiley
Guest: Nathaniel Allendy, Author of The Cycle of Kindness
Date: June 10, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This episode features a deeply personal conversation with Nathaniel Allendy, who recounts a childhood marked by severe mental and physical abuse at the hands of his older brother. Host John J. Wiley, a retired police sergeant and radio presenter, guides the discussion through Nathaniel’s traumatic upbringing, the ripple effects into adulthood, including being mugged as a young adult, and ultimately, his ongoing journey of healing, forgiveness, and post-traumatic growth. The episode’s central theme revolves around the long-term impacts of sibling abuse, the challenges of recovery, and the conscious work involved in breaking cycles of trauma.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Reality and Dynamics of Sibling Abuse

• Early Abuse and Parental Response

  • Nathaniel describes having a six-month-old photograph where his brother is sitting on him, grinning, while Nathaniel is crying and adults “just took a picture instead of helping.” (04:23)
  • Family culture and learned behaviors played a significant role: Nathaniel shares that his father also experienced similar bullying, considered it “normal,” and adopted a hands-off approach, while his mother believed it was “the father’s responsibility to be the protector.” (04:41, 05:03)

• Tactics and Severity

  • The older brother engaged in sophisticated psychological and physical torment, including belittling, bullying, threats, coercing their younger sister to participate, and persistent aggression. (05:14 – 06:16)
  • Abuse was mainly from his brother at home but set the stage for extensive bullying at school. (06:24)

• Impact on Self-Worth and Coping

  • The continuous abuse led Nathaniel to internalize beliefs of low self-worth, resort to escapism (notably video game addiction), and struggle with boundaries and healthy relationships in adulthood. (07:49 – 08:18, 09:50)

2. Trauma, Victimization, and Adulthood

• Lasting Effects

  • Nathaniel openly discusses the long road to asserting boundaries and his vulnerability to exploitation, notably non-consensual and uncomfortable experiences as a young adult, tying this susceptibility back to learned patterns of being a “permissible victim.” (08:51 – 09:27)

  • Both Nathaniel and John reflect on the deep sense of unworthiness stemming from childhood mistreatment, acknowledging “there must be something about me that deserves this kind of treatment.” (08:22 – 09:27)

• Turning to Therapy

  • Nathaniel entered therapy at age 12 and later pursued a career in marriage and family therapy, wanting to help others heal from abuse. (07:30)

• Video Game Addiction as Escapism

  • Coping with depression and dropping out of college, Nathaniel recounts his descent into video game addiction before transformative life changes. (09:50)

3. Adult Trauma: The London Mugging

• Cycle Touring and the Incident

  • After years of academic overachievement and withdrawal, a friend offered Nathaniel a transformative adventure: “I'll buy you a one-way ticket to Europe and a bicycle… as long as you'll ride around with me wherever I want to go.” (24:10)
  • While cycle-touring in London, Nathaniel and friends were mugged by a group that had tricked them under the guise of friendship, threatened with a knife, and received no aid despite being in public. (26:33 – 28:28)
  • The compounded shock of betrayal and fear echoed his childhood traumas.

• Encounters with Others

  • Ironically, the next day, they met a man who recounted stabbing someone 33 times in “self-defense.” Nathaniel reflects on the complexity of human behavior and kindness—sometimes meeting “stone cold killers” who are otherwise generous. (28:44)

4. Healing, Forgiveness, and Personal Growth

• Moving from Anger to Release

  • Both Nathaniel and John discuss wrestling with anger and resentment well into adulthood, and the arduous process of letting go through personal development and emotional intelligence training. (18:20 – 20:17)
  • Nathaniel emphasizes the crucial difference between forgiveness as self-release versus condoning the abuser’s actions. (19:09 – 21:17)

• Impact on Parenting

  • The trauma resurfaced when Nathaniel observed similar sibling dynamics in his own children, prompting deep reflection on how to “modify [his] behavior to come from a place of loving kindness instead of harshness and fear.” (36:13 – 36:43)

• Service and Finding Meaning

  • Nathaniel finds fulfillment in spreading joy as a professional circus entertainer and aspires to start a nonprofit promoting random acts of kindness, seeing service as key to a purposeful life. (37:35 – 39:17)

• On Decision and Change

  • John underscores that healing is the product of active decision-making, not passive hope:

    “You don’t have to leave to make big travel changes in you… it begins with a decision, and the difference between a decision and a thought is a decision includes action.” (42:46)

5. The Journey Compiled: The Cycle of Kindness

• Nathaniel’s book documents his six years, 28,000 miles of cycle touring, relying on the generosity of strangers and gathering stories of resilience, adventure, and kindness. (40:11 – 41:57)
• The book, available on major online retailers and at cycleofkindness.com, seeks to inspire readers that “it’s never too late to try something new… do it in a way you never thought possible.” (42:04)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I had a picture of me at six months old where my older brother is sitting on me… and someone’s taking a picture instead of helping me.”
  — Nathaniel Allendy (04:23)

• “I subconsciously came to the realization that because this kind of abuse was permitted, then this must be acceptable.”
  — Nathaniel Allendy (07:49)

• “There must be something about me that deserves this kind of treatment.”
  — John J. Wiley (08:22)

• “I learned escapism at an early age… It became an addiction when I got depressed and dropped out of college at about age 20.”
  — Nathaniel Allendy (09:50)

• “I really feel blessed to have had this incredible long lasting experience… which is why I called the book The Cycle of Kindness.”
  — Nathaniel Allendy (26:04)

• “When we’re capable of releasing, you know, forgiveness has such a profound place in this realm… it’s so that we can release the attachment to the energy that we have from these past moments.”
  — Nathaniel Allendy (19:09)

• “Now I believe life happens for me, not to me. And that mindset makes a huge difference.”
  — Nathaniel Allendy (34:52)

• “The best way to get out of oneself, to be less self-centered, is to focus my attention on how I benefit those around me.”
  — John J. Wiley (39:20)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:25] – Nathaniel’s first memories and parental attitudes toward sibling abuse
• [05:14] – Brother’s tactics and psychological torment
• [07:30] – Turning point: Therapy and realizing low self-worth
• [09:50] – Coping mechanisms: escapism into video games, substance abuse risks
• [13:50] – Physical abuse vulnerabilities and pursuing perfectionism
• [18:20] – Letting go of anger, personal development training
• [26:33] – The London mugging and aftermath
• [34:52] – Current mindset: healing, parenthood, and therapy
• [40:11] – Inspiration and process behind The Cycle of Kindness

---

Takeaways

• Trauma’s Legacy: Childhood abuse—particularly from a sibling—can have deeply ingrained effects, influencing self-worth, relationships, and coping strategies into adulthood.
• Healing and Action: Recovery is a continual process, often requiring therapy, personal insight, and support. Releasing anger and practicing forgiveness (for oneself and others) can be liberating.
• Conscious Parenting: Breaking generational cycles of trauma demands intentional change and self-work.
• Purpose in Service: Helping others and promoting kindness can give trauma survivors new meaning and a sense of agency.

---

For more about Nathaniel Allendy’s story and his book, visit cycleofkindness.com.

---

Transcript

[Grainger Announcer]

This is the story of the one As a maintenance engineer at a beverage manufacturing plant, he starts his day knowing every line is ready to run because Grainger delivers the industrial grade products he needs to keep mixers, conveyors and packaging equipment moving. With Grainger's vast selection of bearings, belts and motors, he keeps operations running smoothly so nothing grinds to a halt. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get

[Cachava Announcer]

it done When Maintaining your daily wellness rituals is important to you, the change in routine during the summer can feel daunting. Cachava's new travel packs help you stick to your daily ritual even when you're on the go. Just one packet of Cachava's all in One Nutrition Shake provides complete nutrition with 25 grams of protein, 6 grams of fiber, greens, adaptogens and much more. So you'll be fueled and ready for wherever life or your summer adventures take you. No fillers, no nonsense, just the good stuff your body craves. Plus, it actually tastes delicious. But you can try it for yourself because the variety pack includes all six delicious fan favorites Chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, coconut, acai and strawberry. So instead of worrying about sticking to your daily ritual, simplify it with Cachava. Go to cachava.com and use code news for 15% off. That's K A C H-A-V A.com code

[John J. Wiley]

news he was mentally and physically abused as a child for years. As an adult, 22 years of age, he was mugged in London. All this had a profound impact on him, his relationships. He's here to talk about that, his recovery. Welcome to the Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show. In the Law Enforcement Talk Radio show we are joined by special guests talking about their experiences, their realities of investigating crimes, plus those who have experienced horrendous trauma. Police, first responders, military and victims of crimes share their stories. Hi, I'm John J. Wiley. In addition to being a broadcaster, I'm also a retired police sergeant. Be sure to check out our website, letradio.com and also like us on Facebook, search for the Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show.

[John J. Wiley (Promotions)]

Be sure to follow me on the Clubhouse app. It's like having your own talk radio station on your phone. And best of all, it is free. Be sure to follow me, John J. Wiley ET Radio show and look for major announcements. That's right, the Clubhouse app is free. And be sure to follow me, John jwiley or ET Radio show for major announcements. That's John J. Wiley or at Let Radio show on the Clubhouse app. Did I mention that it is free?

[John J. Wiley]

Conte is from California. We have Nathaniel Allendy on the law enforcement talk radio show. Nathaniel was physically, mentally and other abuse throughout his entire childhood and it had a profound impact on him as an adult. At 22 years of age he was mugged in London which also compounded the impact on him. He's written a book which going to talk about what happened. We're going to talk about his journey before and after and where he's at today. He's written a book called the cycle of kindness website is the cycleofkindness.com Nathaniel, thanks for being guest on the show. Very much appreciate it.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Good morning, Jay. Thanks for having me.

[John J. Wiley]

It's a pleasure to have you here. And it's also not easy to talk about. So one thing I did not say earlier is Nathaniel, if I ask you something you're not comfortable talking about, just say, I can't talk about that. We'll edit it out. It's not a big deal.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Nathaniel, I'm a very open, honest, transparent person.

[John J. Wiley]

Good for you. Nathaniel, how old of a guy are you now?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

I am 42.

[John J. Wiley]

Oh, you're still a youngster. You're a pup. You got a long ways to go for you catch up to me. And then, by the way, I'm in my late 60s now. Then unfortunately in police work, this is something we encounter quite a bit. And the other thing that we encounter quite a bit is people being angry as a result of these. I always say anger is but a symptom. Let's talk a little bit about your childhood. You describe yourself as being mentally and physically abused during pretty much your entire childhood.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, I have a picture of me at six months old where my older brother is sitting on me, has a big grin on his face. I'm crying and someone's taking a picture instead of helping me.

[John J. Wiley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

And that's very much how I think of what took place. My father kind of perpetrated this kind of behavior on his little brother, so he deemed it as acceptable. You know, boys will be boys. And my mother believed it was my father's responsibility to handle this protector.

[John J. Wiley]

Where were you raised?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

I was raised in Oregon.

[John J. Wiley]

Oregon. All right. So would you say that that was one picture of a snapshot of most of your childhood?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, my brother was amazingly like, surprisingly, how could a child of this age be this good at psychological, physical, mental torment? It baffles my mind having this as a concept.

[John J. Wiley]

And we say, we say psychological torture. What do you mean?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

He Would bully, belittle, diminish, make fun of, threaten, be aggressive, abuse. He would say all kinds of things, do all kinds of things. He, later on, after my younger sister was born, would actually go and threaten her and say, hey, if you don't make fun of or pick on Nate, is what I went by as a child with me, then I'm gonna get you.

[John J. Wiley]

Was mostly abuse Nate from your brother, or was it from your father or parents or all of the above?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

The abuse was fully from my brother at home. But this paved the way for it to take place at school, where I received a significant amount of bullying as well.

[John J. Wiley]

Yeah, well, I went through that too. And funny thing was the bullying, I didn't. I was the oldest child, but. And I have four younger sisters. But the bullying in school. See, I was a redheaded kid who had a fiery temper, would fight back. And once I started fighting back, even if I lost, the bullying stopped.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah.

[John J. Wiley]

And unfortunately, that's. I say all the time nowadays, nothing works better than punching a bully in their mouth.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

I believe it. And it tends to carry over my strategy.

[John J. Wiley]

Well, here's the thing. Look, I came home. I'll be totally honest. I came home from school quite a bit crying, and I was a lousy fighter. It wasn't until I became older that became better at it, or I didn't realize I was good at it. But I still carry that mindset around of being eight years old on the schoolyard lot.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, I had a very different experience by the time I was 12. I was in therapy at school for the abuse. I realized I'm in a psychology program right now, working towards becoming a marriage and family therapist so that I can help others with their abuse and traumas.

[John J. Wiley]

Right.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Because I know the value of it. But early, early on, I subconsciously came to the realization that because this kind of abuse was permitted, then this must be acceptable. This must be what I deserve, or that I have the value or worthiness that says this is okay. And so I had this real belief of low self worth.

[John J. Wiley]

Yeah, I get that.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

And became a victim.

[John J. Wiley]

I get that. Totally part of me. And it took a lot of work and therapy was part of it, but part of me was. There must be something about me that deserves this kind of treatment. And I would take really bad treatment from other people, especially in my adult life.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, same.

[John J. Wiley]

You say that. That was the same. Did you find it difficult to. Or did this stuff impact your adult relationships?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Completely. To this day, I'm still working on being able to assert my own boundaries. And enforce them. But early on as a young adult teenager, I got myself into situations where men attempted to or did take advantage of me. Non consensual behaviors, some painful memories, some really awkward and uncomfortable situations. Things that I feel a bit ashamed of to this day.

[John J. Wiley]

Let's hang on to that thought about the shame part of it because I gotta ask you this question, did, and I don't know how to phrases in a way that makes a lot of sense. Did you find that there was something about you that you felt was flawed? That you felt you deserved this kind of treatment?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Consciously, no. Probably on a subconscious level, yes. Because it had happened so much that it became a normal part of my existence. It was routinely taking place at school and at home. I had no real escape for it. So I learned escapism at a really early age. I started playing video games and got deep into that to the point where it became an addiction when I got depressed and dropped out of college at about age 20.

[John J. Wiley]

Mm, I get it. I found that a lot of things. And it's funny, I just had a conversation with my sisters about this. That we cannot resolve past issues that's in the past. All we can do is focus on the today and making pleasant memories for ourselves and those who we choose to be around. This is Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show. We're going to turn to our conversation with Nathaniel Allendy in just a few moments. Nathaniel suffered significant mental physical abuse as a child. He was mugged at 22 in London, which we'll talk about later on. And he's authored the book the Cycle of Kindness. The website is the cycle of kindness dot com.

[John J. Wiley (Promotions)]

Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel. Look for law Enforcement Talk radio show and podcast on YouTube.com and be sure to subscribe. Like everything we do, it is free. Look for and subscribe to law enforcement talk radio show and podcast on YouTube where you'll find great police videos and episodes of the podcast. Best of all, it is free.

[John J. Wiley]

This is Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show. Don't go anywhere. I promise you we'll be right back. Of all the radio stations in the United States, there are no other shows like the Law Enforcement Talk radio show and on Facebook there's only one official page. Do a search on Facebook for the Law Enforcement Talk radio show and be sure to like the Law Enforcement Talk Radio show Facebook page.

[Grainger Announcer]

This is the story of the one As a maintenance engineer at a beverage manufacturing plant, he starts his day knowing every line is ready to run. Because Grainger delivers the industrial grade products he needs to keep mixers, conveyors and packaging equipment moving. With Grainger's vast selection of bearings, belts and motors, he keeps operations running smoothly so nothing grinds to a halt. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Cachava Announcer]

Keep your wellness routine going strong all summer. Cachava's new travel packs help you stick to your daily ritual even when you're on the go. Just one packet of Cachava's all in One Nutrition Shake provides complete nutrition wherever you are with 25 grams of protein, 6 grams of fiber, greens, adaptogens and more. Simplify your daily ritual. Go to kachava.com and use code news for 15% off. That's K A C-H-A-V-A.com code news.

[John J. Wiley]

Return Our conversation with Nathaniel Allendy. Contact is from California, from San Diego, California. He suffered significant mental, physical and other abuse as a child for most of his childhood, and when he was 22, he went to London, as I'll just say as a tourist, and went up being mugged. All of which had a profound impact on him, which he'll talk about more in a few moments. He's authored the book the Cycle of Kindness. The website is the cycleofkindness.com that's the cycleofkindness.com I want to go back to your childhood and not to wallow in what happened, but more so so that people can understand that are listening the impact on you. Because I'll be honest with you, Nathaniel, none of us had it easy. Life is not like for me. It wasn't. It's not like a Currier knives moment. There's tough stuff that happens. So when you say physically abused, what was that like?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

It was terrifying. There were so many times where the fear was worse than the actual punishment. There were fights that would take place. There were only a few times that I would fight back. I mean, I had an older brother, he was bigger. It was only until I was mad as and just can't take it anymore kind of thing that I really stood up for myself. But years and years passed by where for the most part I didn't and I became more reclusive. I would hide. I was a very unique kid. I might be on the spectrum. I've had a couple psychologists suggest this, and I was extremely good at academics and this painted a target on my back at school and my brother seems to resent my success at home. I developed this belief of unworthiness that we talked about earlier. And because of that I had this conceptualization that if became perfect or if I became so great that no one could pick at my flaws, then I wouldn't receive this abuse. So I turned to perfectionism, which didn't work, but I was working towards it anyway. I became a straight A student, was winning school wide spelling bees and geography bees and won a statewide math competition every year. I was in middle school and my. My brother seemed to just resent me all the more for it. He didn't want to listen to his professor.

[John J. Wiley]

Is it safe to do as he was old. Is it safe to say you didn't get the results you thought you'd get out of this?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Certainly I definitely didn't get the results that I thought I wanted out of it. It actually created a ton of conflict within my parents relationship because they were constantly at odds with how to handle this situation. My mom didn't like it, was very frustrated by it, but she thought it was my father's responsibility. And so my dad, as good of a father as he was, you know, they do the best they can with the skills that they have. He thought it was normal because it was the experience of his childhood. And so it wasn't his top priority to do anything about it. He wanted us to learn how to work it out ourselves. That was really hard for me.

[John J. Wiley]

I get that. And I'm not finding fault with your parents. I get that totally. But there's sometimes you've got to. The thing about parenting, from my experience is you're not there to be their friend. You're there to make sure that they survive and they have the skill set as an adult to be successful. That's it. Then as they're older and adults, then you become friends.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah. I've actually told something very similar to my daughters. It's my job to protect you eat

[John J. Wiley]

from each other, especially from each other, man. Some of the biggest battles I had over my sisters. I used to pray at night, dear God, please turn so and so into a boy so I can beat his you know what for five minutes. And that never happened. There were still. I have four younger sisters and I tell people this all the time. My dad was a career Navy guy. He was gone a lot. Mom took care of business, she's Irish Catholic and that's the way she was. But if you don't like the way I am. I was raised by women and taught by women. So let's be realistic about the situation. Since the industrial age came upon us, men have been out of the equation for a long time.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah. In terms of parenting, regular, consistent presence.

[John J. Wiley]

And they don't know what to do. I'm not making excuses for your dad or anybody else, but they don't know what to do if they're still around. And a lot of people, unlike you and me, don't have parents in their lives, don't have a father in their life, and they did well. So it's like, what is it about me that I. What lesson didn't. And here's a thing I'm gonna go back to. You said I had to learn to be assertive, not aggressive or assertive when I'm not angry. How was that going for you?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, I was really struggling with anger and resentment for a very long time. I actually attended a leadership and emotional intelligence training two years ago that I'm still a part of called Next level Trainings. There's a variety of different schools, but it's a large group awareness format where facilitators guide participants through a variety of exercises. And Jeong, I realized how much anger I still had inside of me.

[John J. Wiley]

Yeah, I'm still a pretty angry person. People don't describe me as being angry, but I am. I don't show on the outside as much as I used to when I was younger, but I'm still internally very angry.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

I feel really blessed to have found this let go of so much of that anger, let go of so much of that resentment, shift away from the victim mentality that I had held onto for so long. And truly, I feel so much more liberated in life by it because there's so much less of this trapped energy inside of me that's connected to those experiences which I had held onto for so long. It became a part of my identity. And so when we're capable of releasing, you know, forgiveness has such a profound place in this realm. And it's not to, you know, permiss the other person's behavior. It's so that we can release the attachment to the energy that we have from these past moments.

[John J. Wiley]

Yep, I get that. I. One of the conversations and this is so. This is so spot on with me. And I believe it's a spot on situation with a lot of people. They may not realize it, it may not. If they're uncomfortable, there's a reason why. When you listen to this, there's a reason why, and it's usually because there's some measure of truth to this. One of the things I had to do was I had to realize, and I think we referred to this, that I cannot resolve successfully stuff that happened in the past. There's nothing I can do about the past. All I can do is about the present and the future. And a lot of what I do is dictated by my so it can become a catch 22.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, you mentioned religion earlier. I was raised Roman Catholic. It was very important to my mother that we all went to church every Sunday. And despite having read the Bible 17 times before I was 17, I struggled with the concept of forgiveness.

[John J. Wiley]

Trust me, I still struggle with that. We'll take a short break on that note. We'll return our conversation with Daniel in just a moment. Nathaniel Allendy was mentally and physically abused severely for years as a child. When he was 22, visiting London, he was mugged, which we'll talk about in a few moments. He's written a book. The title of the book is A Cycle of Kindness. The website is the cycle of kindness.com this law enforcement talk Radio Show. Don't go anywhere. I promise you. We'll be right back.

[John J. Wiley (Promotions)]

Be sure to follow me on the Clubhouse app. It's like having your own talk radio station on your phone. And best of all, it is free. Be sure to follow me John J. Wiley at Let Radio show and look for major announcements. That's right, the Clubhouse app is free. And be sure to follow me, John Jwiley or ET Radio show for major announcements. That's John J. Wiley or Let Radio show on the Clubhouse app. Did I mention that it is free?

[Grainger Announcer]

This is the story of the one As a maintenance engineer at a beverage manufacturing plant, he starts his day knowing every line is ready to run because Grainger delivers the industrial grade products he needs to keep mixers, conveyors and packaging equipment moving. With Grainger's vast selection of bearings, belts and motors, he keeps operations running smoothly so nothing grinds to a halt. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Cachava Announcer]

Keep your wellness routine going strong all summer. Cachava's new travel packs help you stick to your daily ritual even when you're on the go. Just one packet of Cachava's all in One Nutrition Shake provides complete nutrition wherever you are with 25 grams of protein, 6 grams of fiber, Greens, adaptogens and more simplify your daily ritual. Go to kachava.com and use code NEWS for 15% off. That's K-A-H-A-V-A.com code NEWS.

[John J. Wiley]

Join conversation with Nathaniel Allen on the Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show Contest from San Diego, California. He was mentally and physically abused as a child for decades. And yeah, it sounds like a long time. It was a long time. When he was 22, he was mugged in London, both of which had a profound impact on him. He's written a book called the Cycle of Kindness. The website is the Cycle of Kindness Dot com. That's the Cycle of kindness dot com. Nathaniel. I want to wrap up on the situation with her childhood and this is something you said that kind of really resonated me is that my parents did the best they could of what they had. I don't hold any animosity towards them. I didn't have a bad experience growing up. Bad things happen, but I didn't have a bad childhood. What word would you use to describe your childhood?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Lacking skills, fear. I was in a constant place of apprehension and I didn't know how to deal with it. So as I mentioned, became that perfectionist. And that served me really well in high school, got into a great college, got really depressed after going into a politics program thinking that politics was vile, seditious and corrupt based on what I had learned and not knowing what to do with my life. So I dropped out of society, became a international grand champion at World of Warcraft as I got addicted to video games. And then my best friend said, hey man, this is really unhealthy. I'll buy you a one way ticket to Europe and a bicycle when we get there, as long as you'll ride around with me wherever I want to go. And that ended up becoming a six year, 28,000 mile journey across 10 countries, 30 states. That's the material in my book. And it really helped me go through what Carl Jung called the process of individuation or Maslow, famous for his hierarchy of needs called self actualization, where I no longer needed to prove myself. I no longer had anyone who knew me, who expected me to fulfill a specific role. And when we got there, we were basically broke. Professional vagabond was the way.

[John J. Wiley]

I like I look back at some of the kids that and I say kids. There were kids back then at 16, 17, they backpack across Europe. I'm thinking, man, they're jokers for doing this stuff when I was their age. Now I look back and go, man, I wish I'd done that.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, I really feel blessed to have had this incredible long lasting experience that exposed me to global cultures. Such a unique set of people who were constantly willing to help. Which is why I called the book the Cycle of Kindness.

[John J. Wiley]

And the cycle part of it. Now, I understand the title, but it wasn't all roses there. You had an incident that happened in London, didn't you?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah. And people said no to our requests for support, but less than half of the time. And when we had got to London, we'd already been cycling for four and a half hours. Months. I had had so many acts of kindness that I received that when this group of young hoodlums was tricking us and asked to use our tent to smoke inside of with us. Then we didn't expect that they were going to be thieves, stealing whatever they could while some of them were distracting our attention. When we caught them, we chased after them, one of which threatened to pull a knife out on me. And then, you know, the rest of them surrounded us, mugged us, and then left. As I'm screaming for help in broad daylight in a public park with no one coming to our aid. I was in shock. Afterwards, we ended up getting all of our stuff, walking it out. We stayed. My buddy had had a girlfriend who had just joined us like the day before. We reunited with her after knowing her in the United States and she came to cycle with us. But I was, you know, physically shaken and we really didn't know how to calm any of us down. We ended up sleeping it off that night. And in some level of irony, we met a man the next day who had stabbed someone like 33 times in self defense. So he said, oh, by the way,

[John J. Wiley]

how do you stab someone 33 times in self defense?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, it was.

[John J. Wiley]

I think that's one of those. I didn't mean to do it. And they. Right after the first 1/2 1/3 1, somewhere along the lines it comes, I'm gonna hurt you.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah. And he ended up being very kind, nice, generous.

[John J. Wiley]

Well, that didn't surprise me that Daniel. But by the way, some of the nicest people in the world I've met have been a stone cold killers.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah.

[John J. Wiley]

And they've got an issue of one person. And I always say this and police work. I learned this lesson. Number one, the vast majority of people we dealt with on a daily basis, we didn't arrest. Number two, those we did arrest, the vast majority were not career criminals. Hardcore, that would cause you any worry of concern. There was a small percentage that could be violent. And the same thing with prison populations. Some of those people that are in prison, they have five bad minutes. They reacted badly.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah.

[John J. Wiley]

That's just a reality.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

One poor decision.

[John J. Wiley]

That's right. And that could be you or me. I don't know how I made it as jacked up as I felt sometimes to where I'm at today.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, I feel really blessed to have had a variety of interactions with police officers who never chose to arrest us. Yeah, there were times we were loitering or trespassing, digging through dumpsters for food and they could see we weren't harming anyone, we weren't malicious and they asked us to, you know, kindly move along and go about our lives. And, you know, no policeman ever made my life significantly worse.

[John J. Wiley]

No, but generally it's the relatives that do that. I got to ask you this, Nathaniel, did all this have a profound impact on your adult relationships?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, I have felt a little bit more trust, like harder to trust, a little bit more guarded. I love easily, but have this fear that people will mistreat me because of the high standards and high expectations that I put on myself. Becoming a perfectionist, it's really difficult for me not to impose these standards on others. So I've noticed how I can feel easily disappointed or irritated or upset holding other people to the same high standards that I have held myself. And that really hasn't served me.

[John J. Wiley]

No.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Also, being transient, people didn't believe that I was going to stick around, so didn't want to invest into a relationship with me for a very long time. So others were guarded that our connection would be temporary.

[John J. Wiley]

Is it safe? We got a break coming up very soon. Does it safe to say that not only are you guarded, but a lot of other people are as well?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

I think in general there is a lot of that in our culture, especially when it comes to people by the numbers. But when it comes to individual one on one connections, people have their trauma that get triggered in intimate relationships. I'm a definite anxious attachment style. My wife is an avoidant attachment style.

[John J. Wiley]

I push people away. That's what I do. So we're going to Nathaniel Allenty. He was mentally and physically abused for a long time as a child. When he was 22, he was mugged in London, which he talked about. And he's written a book called the Cycle of Kindness. That's The Cycle of Kindness.com is the website TheCycleofKindness.com this is law enforcement talk radio show. We're going to take a short break. I promise you so much more heading your way. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

[John J. Wiley (Promotions)]

Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel. Look for law enforcement talk radio show and podcast on YouTube.com and be sure to subscribe. Like everything we do, it is free. Look for and subscribe to law enforcement talk radio show and podcast on YouTube where you'll find great police videos and episodes of the podcast. Best of all, it is free.

[Cachava Announcer]

This is the story of the One. The one who keeps multiple buildings running smoothly day after day. Plumbing that flows, H vac that hums. Cleaning supplies that keep surfaces sparkling. That's why she counts on Grainger. With easy reordering online in 24. 7 support, Grainger helps her keep the products she needs on hand so shelves stay stocked and buildings stay ready. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done. Keep your wellness routine going strong all summer. Cachava's new travel packs help you stick to your daily ritual even when you're on the go. Just one packet of Kachava's all in One Nutrition Shake provides complete nutrition wherever you are with 25 grams of protein, 6 grams of fiber, green adaptogens and more. Simplify your daily ritual. Go to kachava.com and use code NEWS for 15 off. That's K-H-A-V-A.com code NEWS.

[John J. Wiley]

Return conversation with Nathaniel Allendy on the Law Enforcement Talk Raider Show. He was mentally and physically abused for years as a child. When he was 22, he was mugged in London, which we talked about. And he's written a book about his life called the Cycle of Kindness. That's thecycle of kindness.com website thecycle of kindness.com get more details about him in a book there as well. Nathaniel, I want to talk about something that I think is relevant. Is that where we're at today? And I know people are going, yeah, this is great. This doesn't apply to me. I've been through this. I've got a a sibling or with cancer or whatever it might be, and it's a different scenario. The main thing I want people to take away from me is no matter what you have to deal with, life gets better. But it requires work. How would you describe your life today?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

So now I believe life happens for me, not to me. And that mindset makes a huge difference when I can choose how I want to respond. And instead of reacting to the things that are happening in my life, I'm making way better decisions. I've spent 30 years in therapy to work towards my own healing. I've read, I don't know how many personal development growth books, mindset books and you name it, podcasts, self help, this and that. I'm all about it. I'm back in school now, working towards becoming a marriage and family therapist because all of this really matters. I've developed such a skill set to be able to help myself that I now want to implement this to help others. I feel the healthiest I've ever been thanks to going through training programs, through next level trainings and being in a world of psychology. And really, when I had kids, all of this became more important than ever. Well, I guess my stuff from my childhood came up.

[John J. Wiley]

Sure.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Especially when I had my second child and I saw my older daughter treating my younger daughter in a similar way that my older brother treated me. I got to have a deep look at myself and go, okay, what's triggering me? How am I reacting? How can I choose to modify my behavior to come from a place of loving kindness instead of harshness and fear?

[John J. Wiley]

I've not quite mastered that yet. And by the way, there are times when I am harsh and I had to be harsh. And it doesn't mean I'm not loving at the same time, but there are certain things that will not be tolerated. Period. End of discussion.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, there's times where I try to get firm for sure, but not harsh.

[John J. Wiley]

Oh, I'm firm and harsh. There's no doubt about it. One of the things that came to mind and listen to you and listen to your story is that I have decisions I have to make. And what it boils down to is this. Again, I'm repeating kind of what I said before. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I can't resolve the past. I can't change the past. All I can do is focus on who I want to be today and to turn around and be a better example in the future. Is that where your efforts are now?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah. I choose to show up with presence for my daughters and my wife. I do my best to understand my own emotions, regulate them, ask for co regulation when I need it, and do healthy, positive things towards self care and self love that allow me to show up for my family and my loved ones and those I interact with on the best level that I can. About 15 years ago, I landed in San Diego. My best friend had taught me how to juggle while we were traveling so that we could make a little money. Busking on the road and bringing people joy for a living is something that I'm blessed to do even today as a professional circus entertainer. And I've been doing this so long and it's so wonderful to get to spread wonder and joy and amazement and it feels more important for me than ever to spread positive messages about belief in faith and humanity. I want to start a nonprofit that helps, helps motivate, inspire and incentivize people to commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of generosity. As I learned in the Boy Scouts growing up becoming an Eagle. I feel like my life has more purpose when I'm in service to others.

[John J. Wiley]

Oh absolutely.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

And that's, that's the work that I want to do with psychotherapy.

[John J. Wiley]

One of the things I get out of this is I learned this lesson a long time time ago. The best way to get out of oneself, to be less self centered is to focus my attention on how I benefit those around me.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, that's one of the amazing lessons that I've got through personal transformation work as well. That totally resonates. There's so many things that we can do like affirmations or meditation to help calm the mind. Prayer, gratitude, thankfulness. These mindsets really positively take us a long way.

[John J. Wiley]

There's so many things that you can do 100%. I do all those on a daily basis. I want to focus, change the focus a little bit to your book the Cycle of Kindness. I never thought it was about your adventures on a bicycle.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah. After living for six years on the bike, pedaling 28,000 miles across 10 countries and 30 states, I had such a depth of life experience and so some really incredibly profound moments. Stories that were so unbelievable that I had dozens of people be like, you need to write a book. And one of my greatest mentors who passed a few years ago encouraged me endlessly on this level. And when quarantine happened, I thought to myself, if I never have this quantity of time again, what will I regret having not done? And the book was it. I ended up writing a huge manuscript of 310,000 words, which is like four books. And so I've yet more of the material, but it's all about the generosity that I received from others, the opportunities that I was given to believe in people, to have faith in humanity and all of the unbelievable things that took place. Riding up to 155 miles in a single day, jumping off an 87 foot cliff into a quarry in Indiana, being given some of the most profound and surprising gifts that I would have never expected while living in a place of vulnerability without money.

[John J. Wiley]

And the book is called Technology the Cycle of Kindness, correct?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yeah, the cycle of kindness.

[John J. Wiley]

And can people find out more about the book, buy the book and get more details about you at your website?

[Nathaniel Allendy]

Yep, it's all on the website. It's available anywhere good books are sold. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, you name it. Mostly online retailers. Not a lot of physical retailers or libraries have picked it up yet. But that's my goal, is to get it out into the world, to help people have something inspiring for them to believe that they could take a journey like this if they wanted to, that it's never too late to try something new, learn a new skill set, travel to places you've never been before, and do it in a way that you never thought possible.

[John J. Wiley]

The website is a cycleofkindness.com that's the cycleofkindness.com and you can get more information about Nathaniel. You can contact him there and get the book there and get some of his story. The main thing I take away from this conversation, which I'm so glad you have with me, Nathaniel, is that you don't have to leave to make big travel changes in you. And I'm using a pun there, you don't have to leave your house. It begins with a decision, and the difference between a decision and a thought is a decision includes action. And you've got to act on changing because it's not going to happen by happenstance. Nathaniel, thanks so much for being a guest on the Law Enforcement Talk Radio show telling your story. Very much appreciated.

[Nathaniel Allendy]

It's a pleasure, John. Thank you again for having me. I appreciate this opportunity immensely.

[John J. Wiley]

I'd like to thank our guests for coming on the Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show. The Law Enforcement Talk Radio show is a nationally syndicated weekly radio show broadcast on Numerous AM&FM radio stations across the country. We're always adding more affiliate stations. If you enjoyed the podcast version of the show, which is always free, please do me a favor and tell a friend or two or three. I'll be back in just a few days with another episode of Law Enforcement Talk Radio show and Podcast. Until then, this is John J. Wiley. See ya.

[Grainger Announcer]

This is the story of the One As a maintenance engineer at a beverage manufacturing plant, he starts his day knowing every line is ready to run because Grainger delivers the industrial grade products he needs to keep mixers, conveyors and packaging equipment moving. With Grainger's vast selection of bearings, belts and motors, he keeps operations running smoothly so nothing grinds to a halt. Call 1-800-granger. Click granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[John J. Wiley]

If you like the show, please take a moment to rate, review and subscribe. It really does help the show to grow. Thank you for listening.