On the Leader Fluent Podcast, we’re in a series on my book, Insanely Practical Leadership: 12 No-Nonsense Keys to Master the Art of Leading Yourself and Others. The book addresses a host of insanely practical skills, and it provides you and your team with the tools to apply the insights to your life and leadership. The book is now available on Amazon, Kindle, and other retailers. On today’s episode, you’ll get a taste of my chapter on, “How to Lead Through Conflict.” Be sure to order Insanely Practical Leadership today, and check out the Masterclass as well as the bonus content that goes with the book HERE.

In the session on, “How to Lead People,” I recounted the story of Sir Ernest Shackleton and his astonishing Antarctic journey. But what I didn’t tell you was how critical Captain Frank Worsley was to the expedition.

This was especially true when Shackleton assembled a small crew in a lifeboat for the journey to South Georgia. South Georgia was only 25 miles at its widest point, and 850 miles away. Finding this needle in the haystack of a vast ocean without Worsley’s navigation skills would be near impossible.

So, the Captain gathered his navigational tools and tables, and then, despite the severity of the winds and the enormity of the waves, the crew set sail.

After three barbaric days, Captain Worsley was finally able to use his sextant to get a rare glimpse of sun to determine how much progress they had made. In fact, in the span of 16 days, the captain got only four shadowy sightings of the sun.

But thankfully, his ability for dead reckoning gave him the instincts to know his position, even without the help of navigational aids. And finally, on May 10, 1916, they reached South Georgia.

The journey from Elephant Island to South Georgia is considered one of the most heroic ocean voyages of all time, and Captain Worsley’s navigation skills were indispensable to their success. So, why am I revisiting the story of Endurance and Captain Worsley’s extraordinary navigational skills? Because they powerfully resemble the navigational challenges you’ll face when you lead through conflict.

When you’re navigating conflict, it’s difficult to read what the parties in the conflict think, want, or expect. Opposition looms large like a giant iceberg, and unseen motives act like the undercurrent of an ocean, quickly changing the course of your direction. One wrong word, one mishap, one lapse in judgment can sink your efforts to resolve conflict and find a way forward. And here’s the harsh reality: If you can’t navigate conflict, you won’t be a successful leader.

That sounds blunt—perhaps even unreasonable—but it’s true. Conflict is inevitable in leadership, and your ability to steer through it will determine how far you go.

Here’s another sobering truth: how you deal with conflict reveals the level of your maturity. Let that sink in. The way in which you handle conflict provides an unfiltered view of your spiritual, emotional, and relational maturity.

So, where do we begin? Effective conflict resolution requires six ingredients.

1. Cultivate Trust

Trust doesn’t just play a role in conflict-resolution, it plays the central role. In other words, trust is the starting place and the driving force behind resolving conflict.

To cultivate trust, begin with the right posture. In Matthew 5, Jesus said that if you come to your place of worship and realize you have a grudge against someone, you should, “leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right.”

In other words, Jesus doesn’t permit us to stew with anger or blast people on social media. Instead, He tells us to address conflict quickly, privately, and restoratively. He said, “Leave immediately”—that’s addressing conflict quickly. Then he said, “go to this friend,”—that’s addressing conflict privately. And finally he said, “make things right”—that’s addressing conflict restoratively.

2. Choose Timing

Most people only address conflict in two scenarios: when it’s easy to resolve or too big to ignore. When conflict falls somewhere in the middle—when it’s not easy to resolve but it hasn’t turned into a full-blown crisis—we ignore the conflict or delay our response to it.

In general, there are two good times to resolve conflict. First, deal with conflict quickly. In Ephesians 4, the apostle Paul said, “And ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” Second, deal with conflict calmly. If you’re raging mad, take a few minutes—or even a few days—to cool down before you address the conflict. Carefully choose your timing to resolve conflict.

3. Clarify Tension

You can’t resolve conflict unless you clarify what’s causing it. That’s why I try to live by a simple rule of relationships: Ask questions before jumping to conclusions. Good questions and clarifying statements help you increase your understanding of the tension. For example, you might say:

“I could be wrong, but I feel like there’s some underlying tension in our relationship. I wanted to take a moment to hear what might be bothering you.”
“I feel like I may have done something to offend you, so I wanted to see if you would help me understand what I’ve done and how you’re feeling.”

Again, your goal is to create understanding without making accusations.

4. Communicate Truth

When you’re addressing conflict, don’t talk around the issue; speak directly to it. This is difficult, but half-truths and outright lies will only damage trust and prolong the conflict. So, to communicate truth, keep in mind the ABC’s:

A – Articulate the Facts

B – Balance Candor and Care

C – Cultivate Dialogue

When you can candidly articulate the facts, in a caring way, while cultivating dialogue rather than a monologue, you’re on the road to healing. Whatever you do, don’t use truth as a weapon to prove a point, get your way, or crush the other person. Furthermore, do your best to avoid exaggerations or play the blame game.

5. Control Tone

Two remarkable attributes of Jesus are grace and truth. Simply put, Jesus spoke truth in the tone of grace.

We’ve already talked about communicating truth, but that truth must be spoken with grace. If your tone is one of correction, you’ll put others down. But if your tone is one of connection, you’ll lift others up.

And think about it…which leader do you respect the most? The one who corrects you downward or coaches you upward? The answer is obvious. The tone of connection will always outpace the tone of correction. In fact, connection alleviates conflict while correction always amplifies it.

6. Collaborate Together

Just because you experience conflict with somebody doesn’t mean they’re your enemy. It usually means there’s a misunderstanding that requires an honest conversation.

If you’ll have the honest conversation, collaboration toward a better future becomes possible. And when you have that conversation, focus on what unites you, make room for both parties to win, and identify clear next steps.

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The teaching in this podcast series comes from my book, Insanely Practical Leadership: 12 No-Nonsense Keys to Master th...