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- [00:00]
A
Being a part of a royal family might seem enticing, but more often than not, it comes at the expense of everything else, like your freedom, your privacy, and sometimes even your head.
- [00:11]
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Even the Royals is a podcast from Wondery that pulls back the curtain on royal families, past and present from all over the world to show you the darker side of what it means to be royalty.
- [00:20]
A
Charles II was known as the Merry Monarch, but his childhood was nothing to laugh about. When his dad, the king, was executed and the English monarchy was dissolved, the Charles went from pampered prince to fugitive on the run. During his teenage years, he discovers his two greatest survival and seduction. But as Charles fights to restore the monarchy, he'll find that his appetite for pleasure might derail his path to the throne.
- [00:44]
B
You're about to hear a full episode of Even the Royals Charles ii. While you're listening, follow Even the Royals on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [00:52]
A
A quick note about our show. We do a lot of research for our stories, but we also aren't your high school history class, so some details and scenes are dramatized. There will also be dirty scenes and some dirty language to match. Please be advised, wondering all right, Brooke, let's take a trip down memory lane all the way back to college. Universa Day. Okay, we've got get low on the stereo.
- [01:23]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [01:24]
A
We've got low slung jeans on our hips. You're performing on bar tops for your patrons. I'm studying like a really good student. That I was. Sure. But here's the thing. Today's Royal definitely spent a lot more time partying than studying. I unfortunately can't relate. I just spent all my time at Mckeldin Library.
- [01:50]
B
Oh, they had a frat named after a library. That's so cool.
- [01:54]
A
No, but I really was at the library like once a semester.
- [01:57]
B
Yeah, same.
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A
But unlike me skipping my neurobiology homework, the subjects this guy skimped on include just about everything you'd need to run a country. And while it wasn't totally his fault that he came to the throne unprepared, the choices that he made once he got there definitely did not help. I'm talking mistresses, gambling, and lots of orgies.
- [02:23]
B
Okay, when does the bad stuff start? Because me living in my current life right now, those things seem fine.
- [02:30]
A
Honestly, what the world needs is more orgies. Yep, but today we're talking about Charles II of England, also known as the Merry Monarch, thanks to his pleasure seeking ways. But his life wasn't all fun and games. Charles was born into a monarchy in peril. And once it came crashing down, he went from king in waiting to a wanted man. The only part of his life he had any control over was who he slept with, and he exercised that freedom often. But the skills he learned in the bedroom didn't help help him run a kingdom. Instead, they threaten to end the monarchy for good. It's September 1651 in Shropshire, a rural English county near the Welsh border. It's a chilly day, and Charles II is spending the afternoon perched on one of the highest branches of an oak tree. But he's not playing hide and seek. He's playing hide for your life as he's hiding from the men who are trying to kill him. Charles dad used to be the King of England, but he had an old school idea of how to run the country, namely, the kind where he did whatever he wanted and never listened to Parliament, like, ever. His faults include taxing people heavily and spending that money on expensive wars. Now, as far as the King was concerned, God had chosen him to rule, and that was that. He did not need a stamp of approval from anyone else. All of this got the English people wondering. If a king is really necessary, why not just be ruled by a responsible party, AKA Parliament? Now, Charles's dad didn't take this very well, so he gathered an army and waged a war against the very creatively named parliamentarians. But eventually, the Royalists lost, and over two and a half years ago, the king was beheaded.
- [04:19]
B
Ooh.
- [04:19]
A
Yeah, it's very Game of Thrones season one. Mm. So now, for the first time in over 800 years, England doesn't have a monarch. Charles has been living in exile for five and a half years, and since his father's death, he's been trying to regain the throne. It took him a while to find enough allies to fight the parliamentarians, but last month, he finally rode back out of exile and into England with a ragtag army behind him. And a few days ago, Charles and his men found themselves facing one of the biggest armies ever assembled on English soil.
- [04:53]
B
Oh, geez.
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A
Charles and his guys were wildly outnumbered, and thousands of his men were captured or killed. Charles knew he had two choices at that point. Flee England and live in exile again, or die. Okay, Charles chooses escape, obviously, but it's easier said than done. Parliamentarian soldiers are everywhere trying to hunt him down, which led him to this tree. In addition to this brilliant hiding place, which is very Dennis the Menace, Charles is also in disguise. His long curly hair has been hacked off, and he smeared coal dust over his face. And instead of his royal finest, he's wearing borrowed peasant clothing, an itchy hemp shirt and shoes that don't fit. Enemy troops have been riding straight past Charles tree all day. But now a new group is approaching and they look serious. They slow down as they move through the grove of oaks. Charles notices one of the soldiers pause and look up into the branches. Then he gets off his horse and starts walking around the trunk of the tree. Charles can see the man's sword hanging by his side and his heart starts hammering in his chest. He's spent years on the run, but now that he's truly about to face death, his life flashes before his eyes. He pictures his father, the late king, his lonely teenage years in exile. Then finally, a bright spot, A memory of his lover, Lucy. He can see her blue eyes and black curls flowing over the pillow. He would do anything in the world to get out of this tree and into bed with her. Charles hands curl into fists. He knows he deserves so much more than a life in exile. He's going to find his way back to the throne no matter what. And when he does, he'll make up for every miserable moment of his life so far. He'll indulge in his every whim and pleasure and make sure he never has to hide from anything ever again. From Wondery. I'm Arisha Skidmore Williams.
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B
And I'm Brooke Zifrin.
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And this is Even the Royals where we bring you true stories of the world's kings, queens and all the wannabes in their orbit. Fancy champagne.
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B
Let's go down Roya. It's a show about pulling back the gilded curtain.
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Because despite the whole anointed by God thing, royals are just like us.
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B
They have messy breakups, backstabbing frenemies and workplace drama.
- [07:29]
A
Only theirs end in wars, beheadings and sometimes the fall of dynasties. This two part series is all about Charles II of England. The so called merry monarch had a pretty rough childhood marked by civil war, exile and the dismantling of the monarchy. But after Charles reclaims the throne, he rules the only way he knows, by following his own desires. The problem is his pleasure drive might just put his family's future at risk all over again and lead him to the same violent end as his father. This is part Charles isn't in charge. Okay, let's jump back about nine years. Okay. It's October 1642 in Edgehill, a village in England's Midlands. Most young princes spend their teen years eating crumpets off golden plates and ordering servants around their biggest worry is how to accessorize their capes. But 12 year old Charles isn't at a formal dinner or dressing for a royal ball. Instead he's at the edge of a battle and the men around him are preparing to fight for his family's right to rule. At this point, Charles dad is still the King. And unfortunately for us, Charles dad is also named Charles Charles I. So King Charles or Papa Charles is very into the whole supreme ruler thing. He doesn't believe he should ever have to negotiate because his role was given to him by God.
- [08:59]
B
Just the word supreme ruler, I know, sounds problematic.
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A
It makes me immediately think of like the Star wars bad guy. Like it's not a good look.
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B
No, it sounds evil for sure.
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A
Yeah, yeah. And Charles not wanting to negotiate with anyone at all is a problem because England has an elected parliament that he's supposed to be compromising with.
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B
Right.
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A
Instead, whenever Parliament gets in his way, the King just dissolves them and makes decisions on his own, which shocking, really pisses off his subjects. To make matters worse, the King is married to a Catholic Now. Pop quiz. Brookie, I know you, pay attention.
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B
Oh God.
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A
What do you know about Catholicism in England around this time?
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B
They're obsessed with it, right?
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A
No. Catholics are basically seen as foreign traitors because of their loyalty to the Pope. So the exact opposite.
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B
Well, you know, it could have gone either way and I took a shot.
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A
It really could have.
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B
Yeah.
- [09:54]
A
But Charles I in Parliament have been doing a very bad job of trying to co parent England for years and now it's come to a head. Last year Parliament gave the King this long document called the Grand Remonstrance, which is a fancy way of saying 10 things I hate about you. Or rather 10,000 things we hate about you.
- [10:13]
B
Uh huh.
- [10:15]
A
The King ignored it, if you can believe it, and an uprising had begun in Ireland, which at this point is in English territory. But relations between Parliament and the King were so bad that neither of them trusted the other to run the military. So instead they each raised their own armies to put the rebellion down. Can you say redundant?
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B
It's just ludicrous.
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A
Sounds like government spending.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Now once there were two sets of troops, they basically forgot about the Irish and decided to fight each other instead. So now Tween Charles is in the middle of a civil war, his dad versus the haters. I mean, he's not in the middle exactly. Charles doesn't have any armor on and he's not even on his horse.
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B
Well, that seems unsafe.
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A
It's like you're 12 you don't need a horse.
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B
He's just walking around with a shirt.
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That says Team Dad. Shoot.
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B
Here.
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A
Yeah. Charles is an honorary captain, which means he isn't expected to go all Braveheart. It's more like take your kid to work day. Charles and his younger brother James are sitting at a safe distance and taking notes. Though I have to say, having the air anywhere near a live battle still seems like a huge liability to me.
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B
So there's like a full on bloodbath going on and they're sitting in what, camping chairs with their notepads out.
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A
Yep, yep.
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B
It's like what?
- [11:30]
A
They've got their Capri Suns and they're just watching the battles. Today, Charles and little bro are being babysat by an elderly doctor. The three of them are hiding behind a hedge a ways off from the fighting, so they're at least hiding. Okay, no word on the chairs or the Capri Suns. Charles understands that he's too young and too valuable to risk his life on the front lines. But for the last couple of years, he's had to sit by and watch as his father's rule slowly falls apart. It's been disorienting and upsetting, especially because there's nothing he can do about it. Charles wishes he could join the fighting and help out. He's an active kid who always wants to be doing something, even if that something is extremely ill advised. And though he's got very little practical experience, he's been taking swordsmanship and horseback lessons since he could walk. When the first bullet whizzes by his head, Charles thinks he's just imagining it out of boredom. But then a bunch of parliamentarian soldiers break through the Royalist line and now they're within shooting distance of Charles and his brother. Charles, teen warrior instincts kick into high gear. He runs over to his horse and mounts it. Then he pulls his pistol from its holster and yells, I fear them not.
- [12:40]
B
Oh my God. What 12 year old talks like that?
- [12:43]
A
What do you want him to say? I ain't scared? Yes, come on, I do want that. But Charles is confused when he feels his horse moving away from the enemy. He looks down and sees that a Royalist soldier has grabbed the reins and is pulling him out of harm's way. Charles tries to nudge his horse in the other direction, but it's no use. He's being towed away like a toddler on one of those leashes. Now Charles is very frustrated. He's back to feeling idle, scared and useless. He wants that rush of excitement and to feel like he's part of things, that he has some control over his destiny instead of being the victim of fate. But it turns out Charles is about to learn the very important. Be careful what you wish for. It's March 1645. 14 year old Charles can hear the rain drumming down on the canvas of his tent in a war camp in Oxford, England. He's sitting at a messy table full of maps and messages. His dad is across the table massaging his temples. He looks tired. Charles feels bad for him, but he's also excited because he's finally about to go off on an adventure of his own.
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B
Ooh.
- [13:58]
A
It's been almost two and a half years since that battle at Edgehill. For the first year and a half, the Royalists were ahead. But last summer, the parliamentarians started winning a bunch of battles. And the more they won, the more people started turning to their side. No one wants to bet on the slow horse. And then the Parliamentarians came up with a new strategy. Until now, armies have been small groups of men who fight locally. Kind of the gig work model of warfare. You have to convince them to enlist one by one. And just like many an Uber driver, they don't like going too far from home.
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B
Right?
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A
But the leaders of Parliament realized this was super inefficient. So they decided to create a centralized military that reports directly to their leadership, AKA the first National Standing Army. Their new army is better organized than the Royalist forces. It's also way bigger. And Charles dad is officially freaked out. So he's finally decided that it's time for Charles to get involved. He decides to send his son off to rally the troops in the west and inspire Royalists to keep up the fight. To give him some clout, his dad upgraded Charles title to general. It's still kind of honorary. He's more of a royalist mascot, but still something. Yeah. Charles is thrilled to finally get in on the action. His dad gets up from his seat, which means Charles has to stand too. In a minute, they'll walk out of the tent. His dad will stay here and fight, while Charles will get on his horse and ride off into his brilliant future. He's no longer on the sidelines. He's a bona fide player now. But as the reality of this sets in, Charles feels the weight of this future settle on his shoulders. So far, it's been easy to sit back and complain about how he never gets to be part of things. But now he's in a position to actually help the war effort. Which makes him start to wonder, what if he can't pull it off? What if he screws everything up? Does he even have what it takes to make a difference? It turns out that Charles big promotion to general isn't as big as he thought. Sure, he's technically in charge, but his dad also saddled him with a royal council who act like his new babysitters. Think a bunch of zazus from the Lion King. Still, Charles is determined to rally more troops, so he heads to the town of Bridgewater, where he knows the governor. Then he and his council decide to hold a summit with all the local military leaders to figure out what to do next. Which means that instead of being out on the battlefield, Charles is sitting around with a group of stuffy old men listening to a bunch of endless debates.
- [16:28]
B
I mean, at least there's no bullets whizzing by his head.
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A
I know. See, you're focused on the big picture. Yes, Charles, Dad's army is clearly in bad shape, and he's still in no position to do anything about it. He feels totally useless. So he starts looking around for something or someone to help him get his confidence back. Just a few days after arriving in Bridgewater, Charles is in his room when he hears harsh knocking on his door. It's late in the afternoon, and Sir Hyde, one of his babysitters, is yelling Charles name. But Charles ignores him. He's still in bed, and he has no intention of leaving because he's not in there alone.
- [17:10]
B
Oh, is this Lucy?
- [17:13]
A
A woman is lying next to him. A beautiful, sexy, naked woman, not named Lucy.
- [17:19]
B
Oh, okay.
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A
Charles rolls his eyes at all the knocking, and the woman laughs and strokes his hair. Charles recently discovered his favorite thing in the world. Sex. Now, this might not be unique for a teenage boy, but for Charles, sex is more than just a physical release. It's a distraction from all of the harsh realities of his life. It makes him feel powerful, secure, like everything might just be okay.
- [17:43]
B
I mean, listen, whatever you gotta tell yourself. Dude, you like sex.
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A
I know. Yeah, we're all trying to escape.
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B
It's fine.
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A
It's not unique.
- [17:49]
B
Yeah.
- [17:50]
A
Now, usually I'd say let the teens have fun. Be safe. They didn't have condoms back then.
- [17:54]
B
Right.
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A
You know, but the scenario is pretty bizarre. So the woman Charles is having sex with is named Christabella, and she's in her late 30s.
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B
Okay.
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A
And if the age gap wasn't enough to shock you, she also used to be his wet nurse.
- [18:11]
B
Can I just really quickly say that I hate the term wet nurse?
- [18:15]
A
Yeah.
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B
Hate it.
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A
Yeah.
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B
But also, that is very weird.
- [18:18]
A
Yeah. It's awful. Yeah, well, the cherry on top of all of this, she's also married to the governor of Bridgewater, AKA the guy who's hosting Charles.
- [18:29]
B
Oh God.
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A
So Charles has found one way to exercise his princely power. By cuckolding another man in his own home and getting away with it. Now I should say that at the time it was considered pretty normal for an older woman to, quote, unquote, tutor a young man in sex.
- [18:44]
B
Oh.
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A
So Charles, babysitter Sir Hyde, AKA the guy trying to break down the door, isn't mad about Christabella being in the prince's bed, but he is mad that Charles is skipping a war council meeting to be with his lover. Ever since Charles started hooking up with Christabella, he's lost all interest in his military duties. I mean, why be a figurehead at boring meetings when there's a more active role waiting for him somewhere else?
- [19:09]
B
Yeah, he's like, I wanna have underage sex. I don't wanna partake in child labor.
- [19:13]
A
Yes, exactly. Like, let's pick the lesser of the two morally corrupt things. Yeah, I mean, he's a teenager and having sex has got to seem more interesting than doing any kind of job. Much less his job.
- [19:27]
B
Yeah.
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A
So he goes on ignoring Hyde, pounding on the door. Charles may be done with this war, but the war is not done with him. The parliamentarian's army is growing and so is their support. Soon nowhere in England will be safe for a prince. And Charles will have to stop hiding from his problems and start running from them. Instead, all that glitters is a world. About a year later, Charles is on a remote channel island called Jersey. But this isn't a beach vacation with his sexy lover. Instead he's sitting at the head of a long empty table. He's 15 and he's lonelier than he's ever been in his life. The parliamentarian army is officially kicking the royalists asses. Things got so bad that a few months ago, Charles dad decided that Charles wasn't safe anywhere in mainland England. So he sent his son out of the country. And now once again, Charles, boredom and frustration are building up.
- [20:33]
B
God, that would suck as a 15 year old just to be like sitting there.
- [20:37]
A
Yeah, I know. You don't have like any video games or anything to keep you busy. Yeah. At least this time though, Charles knows how to deal with it. The guy who runs this island has a daughter who's five years older than Charles and is seriously hot. So Charles has been planning ways to get some alone time with her as soon as possible. Charles is hoping sex will make him feel in control of his life the way it did in Bridgewater. Or at least distract him from the fact that this war is not going according to plan. Instead of heroically fighting for his country or waiting out the worst of the war somewhere glamorous, he's hiding on an island which is now famous for its cows.
- [21:14]
B
Aw, that sounds amazing to me. An island full of cows.
- [21:17]
A
I know you'd love it. But being on the run isn't just embarrassing, it's lonely. For instance, right now, Charles is eating dinner by himself. The setup is luxe enough. He's presented platter after platter of mouthwatering food. Even though they're on a small island, Charles is offered a wide range of options. His entree choices tonight are meat, fish, or game. He goes for the meat, but instead of eating it directly, he hands it over to a taster who takes a bite to make sure it isn't poisoned. Only then does he cut up the meat and put it on Charles plate.
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B
That poor taster.
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A
The fact that that was a real job.
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B
I know it makes sense, but imagine being a living poison blocker.
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A
Yeah. Yeah. Charles feels like making a dark joke about his situation, but there's no one to laugh about it with. Just when Charles decides he can't take the silence any longer, he hears a commotion outside the door. A messenger bursts into the room with urgent news from the king. He tells Charles that yesterday his dad surrendered himself to the Scottish.
- [22:19]
B
Oh.
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A
Charles stomach drops. This feels like a really desperate move on his dad's part, but he understands why his dad did it. See, the Scottish army has been fighting alongside the parliamentarians, but recently the two sides started arguing over. What do you think? Power? Close. Religion.
- [22:38]
B
Oh, okay.
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A
Charles. Dad must have seen this as an opportunity to drive a wedge between them. So he surrendered to the Scottish and promised them religious freedom in the hopes that he would win back their favor and get them to fight for the monarchy.
- [22:52]
B
I don't hate it.
- [22:53]
A
Yeah, it's a real eat that humble pie moment. Charles grew up believing that the role of king was passed down by God and that God would never let the monarchy crumble. But now his dad is having to bargain with the Scotts, who have been rebelling against him for years, which just feels so wrong. The power dynamics have been turned totally upside down. Charles suddenly feels dizzy. He can't tell what's up and what's down. This isn't just a typical teen existential crisis. This is a royal questioning his place in the World. Luckily, Charles has already found the best way to escape his darkest thoughts. And the position for it is horizontal. So as his situation worsens, he's ready to pursue pleasure like never before.
- [23:36]
B
Wow.
- [23:39]
A
Now, don't worry, Brooke. Charles does manage to have a brief affair with the governor's daughter.
- [23:44]
B
Oh, phew.
- [23:44]
A
I know you were, like, freaking out, but he gets it done.
- [23:47]
B
Okay, good.
- [23:48]
A
And it's a nice extracurricular activity while he's marooned in Jersey. But after a few months, the parliamentarians are circling, and this time, even Charles agrees it's time to get out of dodge. No part of England or the isles close to it are safe for a royal anymore. And as much as Charles wants to fight and win, he wants to stay out of danger even more.
- [24:09]
B
Yeah.
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A
Now the only question is where he should go next. The obvious place is France, where his mom is from. She and her whole family are there, so he'll be safe. And he might even be able to convince the French king to support England with money or troops. But the thing is, France is still England's sworn enemy. So Charles, already shaky popularity at home, will probably take a nosedive. His babysitter, Hyde, is actually so against it that he says if Charles goes to France, he won't go with him. And Charles is like, well, you just decided it for me, my man. Besides, if he has to be in exile, he might as well do it in a country where he can live it up. Yeah, more voulez vous quiche avec moi. Less Jersey cows, you know what I mean?
- [24:52]
B
I guess so.
- [24:55]
A
Charles says, smell ya later to hide and boards a ship to France. Only when he arrives, it's not the warm welcome he was delusionally expecting.
- [25:04]
B
Yeah, I was gonna say.
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A
First, his mom shuts him down when he asks for money to live a princely lifestyle. It turns out she doesn't have much to spare. So that puts a hole in his plan to wine and dine hot French girls.
- [25:15]
B
Oh, that poor kid.
- [25:16]
A
Yeah, he's really suffering. Yeah. Meanwhile, his dad's situation has somehow gotten even worse. When he surrendered himself to the Scottish, he was hoping they would help him fight the parliamentarians. But when he failed to deliver on their bid for religious freedom, they turned against him. Eventually, they went back to their old alliance with the parliamentarians, and as part of it, they handed the king over to his enemies. Oh, I gotta say, the wishy washiness of these, like, alliances or agreements is insane.
- [25:47]
B
I mean, women would never act like that. Let's just say it.
- [25:50]
A
You said it. You said It. Charles feels like all is lost. But then finally comes a ray of light when part of the English navy switches sides. They're angry at Parliament over taxes and feeling disillusioned about the war. So they swing their loyalty back to the kingside.
- [26:09]
B
Wow.
- [26:09]
A
And they sail to a royalist friendly harbor in the Netherlands. Charles is over the moon when he hears this news. He's done living lean in France. Time to mosey on over to the Netherlands with a fresh set of troops. When he gets there, he'll take charge of a Royalist fleet. Then he can kick some parliamentary ass. For years, he's dreamed of this day. Action, adventure, and most importantly, command. No more babysitters for Charles. He's going to fight to win back his country all by himself. It's February 1649. About seven months later. Charles is on his knees, his head bent in prayer. He's in a chapel in the Hague, a city in the Netherlands. And he's never been so desperate before. When he first got to the Netherlands, it felt like his life had finally turned around, and not just because of the Royalist fleet. He also met a girl named Lucy.
- [27:05]
B
Walter, here she is.
- [27:07]
A
Here she is. And huge news. Brooke. Oh. She's age appropriate.
- [27:12]
B
Wow.
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A
Even huger news, she never nursed him.
- [27:17]
B
Well, not yet.
- [27:18]
A
True. Not yet.
- [27:20]
B
Exactly.
- [27:21]
A
Lucy is a great beauty with dark hair and bright blue eyes. She's also a flirt, just like Charles. He loves how bold she is and how every time she walks into a room, men can't keep their eyes off her. The two of them had immediate explosive chemistry. And even though they've been hanging out a while now, the novelty hasn't worn off, which is good.
- [27:42]
B
Yeah.
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A
Since Lucy is now pregnant with their child.
- [27:44]
B
Oh, wow.
- [27:45]
A
Yeah. Charles has been able to spend a lot of time with Lucy because for a few weeks, he didn't have enough money to actually pay for his new fleet, which meant a lot of kicking around the Netherlands. And when Charles finally could pay, a storm kept them from sailing to England. After six fruitless weeks at sea, they had to turn back around. The whole thing was a crushing disappointment. Charles thought he would finally be able to get back into England and set everything right. Instead, he had to turn back to the Netherlands with his tail between his legs.
- [28:16]
B
Wow.
- [28:17]
A
And then a few weeks ago, Charles got word that his dad was being taken to London to face trial for tyranny and treason.
- [28:24]
B
Oof.
- [28:25]
A
Charles knew that the parliamentarians were ready to do something drastic. So he sent his dad's captors a blank piece of paper with his seal on it, a carte blanche. Basically he was saying, you set the terms, I'll agree to them. Just let him go.
- [28:38]
B
It's like a blank check.
- [28:39]
A
A blank check? Yeah, like the great movie from the 90s.
- [28:42]
B
Love it.
- [28:43]
A
Now Charles hears the doors opening behind him. He gets to his feet. Maybe the parliamentarians are finally ready to negotiate. And then he sees the chaplain walking towards him. His face is grim and the news he delivers is even grimmer. After a hurried trial, 59 men signed the King's death warrant. Wow. And Charles dad was executed.
- [29:05]
B
They had their minds made up. They didn't need a trial.
- [29:08]
A
Absolutely, yeah. Charles knows he's supposed to be strong and brave, but he can't. He breaks down in gut wrenching tears. He's devastated by the fact that he'll never see his dad again. The only thing he can think of doing to make this horrible situation any better is making sure his dad didn't die in vain. Which means restoring the monarchy at any cost. Sure, he may be a sort of broke 18 year old in exile, but he's not going to take this lying down. It's time for Charles to fight for his birthright and his dad's honor. Or die trying. It's September 3, 1651 and 21 year old Charles is frantically trying to pack his things. He's in a little timber house and makeshift royalist HQ in Worcester. Charles is back in England, but his return has gone terribly wrong. Now he needs to make a quick getaway before the parliamentary soldiers rip him limb from limb. It took over two years, but Charles finally put together enough men to invade England by land and try to retake the throne. It wasn't easy. He had to make a deal with the Scottish AKA the same traitors who flipped on his father.
- [30:33]
B
Yeah.
- [30:33]
A
But Charles was desperate enough to trust them anyway. It may have been humiliating, but getting out of exile meant swallowing his royal pride and saying yes to anyone who would help him fight the parliamentarians. It's been tough going though. Charles men are not exactly a well oiled machine. There's not much to eat and many of them don't even have boots.
- [30:53]
B
Oh God, they're barefoot.
- [30:55]
A
They're fighting barefoot.
- [30:56]
B
Wow.
- [30:56]
A
But Charles threw himself into battle anyway. Finally he could join the fight instead of sitting on the sidelines. But in the end, his troops were outnumbered and out fought. His army lost. Just like his dad's did.
- [31:08]
B
Yeah.
- [31:09]
A
And Charles found himself needing to flee England once again. I gotta say, this guy in England are a lot like oil and vinegar. But now Charles is Scared, he waited too long. He stops his furious packing when he hears boots marching up to the front door. Charles makes a beeline for the back door. He's cutting it close. Too close. As he runs out the back, he sees the front door starting to open and an enemy soldier running in. All Charles has ever wanted is to live the royal life he was promised. But now, as hostile troops are zeroing in, he realizes the throne will have to wait. He's got to get out of here alive. After all, the head that wears the crown should probably be attached to its shoulders. Yeah, it's a good role. Charles and some of the few men he has left eventually decide to flee to a nearby town and connect with some Royalist supporters. They're willing to take Charles in for the night, but they all know he can't stay for long. The parliamentarians have given their massive military force a new find. Charles at all costs. Which means it's time for Charles to go undercover. But that's a tall order. Literally. At 21 years old, he's reached his full height, which is 6 foot 2. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's tall for 20, 25, but it's really tall for the 1600s. So obviously it'll be hard for Charles to fly under the radar, but he does his best. We're almost back to where we started. Charles has chopped off his pretty black curls and covered himself in dirt. A true master of disguise.
- [32:43]
B
He should have dressed up like Bigfoot.
- [32:45]
A
Yeah.
- [32:46]
B
Yeah.
- [32:46]
A
He's also traded in his velvet and silk for shabby clothes. Truly one of history's greatest glow downs.
- [32:54]
B
Yeah.
- [32:54]
A
Charles has now gone from king to be to prince in exile to fugitive on the run. It's an understatement to say that things have not worked out how he was hoping. He wanted to follow the part of his father's legacy and become a divine ruler, but instead, he's being hunted like a fox in an English hunt. The good news is that there's still a network of Royalist supporters who are willing to help Charles, but it's hard to get in touch with them. Sending messengers on horseback just doesn't hit like a WhatsApp group. And Charles needs a safe haven. The country is crawling with parliamentary soldiers who want to capture and kill him. Charles decides the best move for him is to leave the country entirely. He heads towards the Welsh border, which is only 25 miles away. The most inconspicuous way to travel is on foot. So he starts walking.
- [33:42]
B
Damn.
- [33:43]
A
Yeah. Charles walks until his feet are bloody. But in the end, it's all for nothing. When he gets closer to the Welsh border, he finds out that Parliamentarian soldiers have beaten him there.
- [33:54]
B
Oh, no.
- [33:55]
A
There's no way he can cross undetected. He ends up having to turn around and go right back to where he started hiding with his Royalist allies.
- [34:04]
B
So he walked 50 miles?
- [34:05]
A
Yeah.
- [34:06]
B
Oh, my God.
- [34:07]
A
Yeah. And this is how he finds himself up in Oak Tree and where we started this episode. But Charles doesn't get caught that afternoon. The soldier sniffing around at the trunk of the tree moves on. Charles lives to fight another day. He spends around six weeks on the run, trying desperately to find a way out of England. There's a thousand pound bounty on his head.
- [34:29]
B
So.
- [34:29]
A
So literally everyone is looking for him. And he knows that if they find him, he's in for the traitor's special, AKA decapitation. During this time, there are constant near misses. Soldiers search houses. Charles has just left. Or Charles will arrive in a new town, only to find it crawling with Parliamentarians. Most people are fooled by his disguise, which is wild considering his height. Yeah. But I guess that bad haircut was really throwing people off. But through it all, Charles refuses to let his fear consume him. Sure, he's scared, but he tries to keep up the good cheer. And he never loses his sense of humor.
- [35:08]
B
He really is the merry king, isn't he?
- [35:11]
A
Yeah. At one point in his travels, his horse throws a shoe. The blacksmith who repairs it starts talking about how he wishes that the parliamentarians would find that rogue Charles already. Charles says he absolutely agrees and adds that they should hang him for good measure.
- [35:27]
B
Okay, he's doing too much now.
- [35:28]
A
I know. It's like, got him. Yep. I would know immediately. But as a fellow comedian, you know, jokes can only lift your mood so much. Charles wishes that Lucy were here with him. For Charles, sex is the ultimate form of escape. And he could really use a little escape right now to take his mind off the fact that, you know, he might die.
- [35:49]
B
Yeah. Wow, that's so romantic.
- [35:51]
A
I know. But if Charles wants to live to sleep with Lucy again, he's gotta make it out of England alive. It's October, 1651, about six weeks since Charles first went on the run. His arms ache as he rows a small boat against the ocean tide. The scent of saltwater fills his nostrils, nostrils. And sweat runs down his back. The sun isn't up yet, but he's already exhausted. He feels his palms starting to swell with blisters that match the ones on his feet.
- [36:25]
B
Jeez.
- [36:26]
A
Charles has been doing some serious cross training for the Last few weeks, he's walked, swam and ridden hundreds of miles, trying to escape what used to be his country. Now he's within sight of the promised land, the shores of France, AKA safety. Securing this boat was a near thing. The weather was so bad that morning that the captain initially refused to set sail. Charles men had to offer him extra cash to sweeten the deal. And because he knew who Charles was, not just an unusually tall peasant, but the literal king, he made them shell out even more.
- [37:01]
B
I mean, that's fair. He could have killed him and gotten that money, but might as well make more.
- [37:06]
A
I'd be like, I want double. Yeah. Thankfully, though, for Charles, his allies were able to foot the bill. And after 10 hours at sea, they were finally within sight of land. But as they got closer, the tide turned against them, keeping the ship from docking. Charles was already impatient to get to safety. And then he spotted another ship on the horizon. No one knew who was in that boat, but after weeks of being hunted, Charles wasn't about to save. Stick around to find out. Not when he's this close to freedom. So he and a companion decide to get on a dinghy and row themselves ashore. Now, as the sun rises, every stroke takes him closer and closer to safety. When they finally make land, Charles wants to fall to his knees and kiss the ground. After being in danger for so long, he can't believe he's actually made it to safety. But on the other hand, besides his life, he has nothing. No money, no army, and no idea how he's going to get England out of the hands of Parliament and back into the hands of the King. This is Charles Isn't in Charge, Part one of our two part series on Charles ii.
- [38:24]
B
You can follow us, your hosts on Socials, Brooke Sifrin and rishaskidmore Williams.
- [38:29]
A
We use many sources when researching our stories, but we especially recommend the King's Bed by Don Jordan and Michael Walsh and To catch a Charles II's Great Escape by Charles Spencer. I'm Arisha Skidmore Williams.
- [38:42]
B
And I'm Brooke Sifrin. Zan Romanoff wrote this episode. Story editing by A Jewa, Jimma Brempong and sound design by John Lloyd. Our associate producer is Hannah Ward, our managing producer is Joe Florentino. And our senior managing producer is Callum Plews. Julie McGruder and Rachel Engelman are our producers. Our executive producers are Jenny Lauer Beckman, Ginny Bloom, Marshall Louie and Erin o' Flaherty. For Wondery.
- [39:08]
A
Listen to even the royals. Wherever you get your podcasts.