Dr Gail Saltz: Aging Parents & The Club Sandwich Generation

Summary

Podcast Summary: Let's Talk Off Camera with Kelly Ripa

Episode: Dr. Gail Saltz: Aging Parents & The Club Sandwich Generation

Date: February 18, 2026
Host: Kelly Ripa
Guest: Dr. Gail Saltz (Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Weill Cornell; host of ‘How Can I Help’ Podcast)

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Episode Overview

This episode explores the multifaceted challenges faced by adults caring for aging parents—a group now dubbed “the club sandwich generation.” Kelly Ripa and her regular team share personal anecdotes and questions, joined by psychiatrist and aging expert Dr. Gail Saltz, who provides advice on conversations, boundaries, emotional wrangling, and practical steps for navigating parental care, sibling dynamics, and self-care. The episode features live caller Q&As reflecting real-life family dilemmas.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting the Stage: The Club Sandwich Generation

• The team acknowledges the complexity of their own and listeners’ family lives: juggling empty nests, aging parents, career and personal needs.
• “It’s not the sandwich generation anymore, because everybody’s living so long. It’s called the club sandwich generation. Like, there are multiple layers to this.” —Jan [10:25]

Why Aging Parents Refuse Help or Moving

• Most parents strongly wish to remain at home, fearing loss of independence or control.
• “Leaving their home feels like loss–potential loss of independence, loss of familiarity. And yeah, they don’t want a role reversal with you and they don’t want to be controlled.”—Dr. Gail Saltz [13:08]

When and How to Start Conversations about Aging and Care

• Begin talks early, before medical crises. Frame them as interest in parental wishes, not control.
• Key Areas:
  • Health preferences (life-sustaining treatment, incapacitation, proxies)
  • Legal documents (living wills, health proxies, power of attorney)
  • Financial arrangements (bill paying, transparency, trusted helpers)
• “The earlier the better...the conversations are about everything from, ‘share with me what you would want in hypothetical situations.’”—Dr. Saltz [13:47]
• “You’ve got to do it when things are calm...you don’t want to do it when suddenly somebody’s in the hospital...” —Kelly [17:03]

Emotional Pitfalls: Fear, Guilt & Sibling Dynamics

• Crises trigger powerful, often unconscious emotions—fear (“they’re going to die”), guilt, old relationship patterns.
• Siblings’ varied relationships can complicate teamwork: caretaker, martyr, denialist, guilt-ridden, etc.
• “So these intense emotions that tend to occur...big ones being fear and guilt, to be honest with you, they drive this to really not go well.” —Dr. Saltz [17:28]

Designating Decision-Makers and Division of Labor

• Assign specific siblings for different roles (health, finances, legal)—ideally with parent’s written wishes.
• “Who would you want to make the health decision? Who would you want to make a financial decision? Who would you want to make a legal decision? That might be different sibs...” —Dr. Saltz [19:17]

Caregiver Burnout and Self-Protection

• Recognize emotional, physical, financial tolls; set boundaries to avoid being overwhelmed.
• “When that happens, then you’re no good to yourself and you’re no good to your parent either...You have to get real with yourself about your limits.”—Dr. Saltz [39:30]
• “Caretaker burnout is like real. That's real stuff.” —Jan [39:25]

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Caller Q&A & Real-World Challenges

[24:19] Jen (New Jersey): Parents Ignore Adult Children’s Advice

• Issue: How to get aging parents to take adult children seriously rather than dismissing them.
• Advice: Approach as adult-to-adult, collaborative partners. Frame help as support for their continued independence, not as taking over.
• “You will always be their child to them...but instead [speak] like you’re adult to adult here...collaboratively.” —Dr. Saltz [25:18]
• If safety is at stake and parent refuses, bring in outside professionals (doctors/social workers), but parents with capacity cannot be forced.

[30:47] Danielle (Las Vegas): Death, Estrangement, and Guilt

• Issue: Recently lost mother; sibling estrangement and drama; executorship and notification obligations.
• Advice: Take time to process. Follow the will and execute with integrity; minor grandchildren are innocent parties. Notification of estranged sibling is probably morally right even if hard—writing might help create healthy distance and clarity.
• “Give yourself a beat. You haven’t had even a moment to grieve...Think about how you best want to go about that, whether you want to talk to him or...write him.” —Dr. Saltz [33:14]
• “You cared for her and you nurtured her and you took care of her as best you could.” —Kelly [36:15]
• “As a brother who worships my sister for doing everything that you did for your mother, you are an amazing person.” —Albert [37:24]

[48:48] Kelly (San Francisco): “Unsticking” a Grieving and Overwhelmed Parent

• Issue: Overwhelmed by bills/estate after father’s death; mother’s passivity and retreat to watching TV, making gumbo.
• Advice: At 86, expecting new financial skills may be unrealistic; allow grief/comfort behaviors if not self-harming. Siblings must share tasks, and transparency is crucial. Local daughters tend to do more, but financial matters can be shared remotely.
• “She just sounds like she’s living as she has lived. And asking her at 86, to take on new skill sets...may not go the way you would hope it would go.” —Dr. Saltz [52:14]
• “What you might talk about in your therapy is why you feel it all has to be you, because that doesn’t sound very reasonable or fair.” —Dr. Saltz [54:09]
• “The daughter on site ends up bearing particularly the hands on. But let’s be real, finances do not need to be hands on.” —Dr. Saltz [54:17]

Gatekeeping & Adversarial Parent Relationships

• When one parent resists help for the other (“gatekeeping”), often it’s about fear of losing their partner’s role or independence.

• Approach collaboratively—“Let’s you and I put our heads together...what would work that you would feel comfortable with?” —Dr. Saltz [41:07]

• If you're adversarial with one parent, try to work directly with the needy parent, but don’t put yourself in the middle of their marital dynamics.

• “It’s not really best for them or for you to put yourself between them and divide them further.” —Dr. Saltz [44:13]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Planning Early:
  “The farther away it is from any infirmity, loss, decline, the easier it is to have the conversation.” —Dr. Saltz [13:47]

• On Emotional Realities:
  “When it comes to the emotionality of the moment...it's often emotions that you're unaware of that drive behaviors...fear...guilt.” —Dr. Saltz [17:28]

• On Caregiver Limits:
  “You have to get real with yourself about your limits. So what will we do now to fill in for those limits?...It cannot be me all the time.” —Dr. Saltz [40:23]

• On Family Myths:
  “My mom said...‘we didn’t do this with our parents because our parents just dropped dead.’” —Kelly [47:06]

• On Quality vs. Quantity of Life:
  “We’re benefiting from long quantity, yes, but not long quality...living like you’re not living is not exactly a gift.” —Dr. Saltz [47:52]

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Timestamps for Significant Sections

• [10:25] – Defining the club sandwich generation
• [11:48] – Dr. Gail Saltz introduction and scam anecdote
• [13:08-17:03] – Why parents resist help and how/when to start the conversation
• [17:28-20:01] – Emotions, sibling roles, and decision-making
• [24:19-30:33] – Caller Jen: how to get parents to listen
• [30:47-38:39] – Caller Danielle: loss, estrangement, executing the will
• [39:21-44:20] – Caregiver burnout, boundaries, gatekeeping, adversarial relationships
• [48:48-55:14] – Caller Kelly: grieving/stuck parent, bill management, sibling equalization
• [55:14-56:33] – Addressing "never put me in a nursing home"
• [56:33-end] – Closing remarks, need for ongoing discussion

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Tone & Style

The episode maintains an empathetic, supportive, and candid tone, blending professional psychiatric advice with unfiltered, sometimes humorous, personal storytelling.

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Summary Takeaways

• Start difficult conversations proactively—before crises arise.
• Frame support as honoring parents’ wishes and independence, not taking control.
• Families should divide tasks clearly and according to strengths, recognizing emotional and logistical realities.
• Caregiver burnout is real and must be managed by setting boundaries.
• Sibling cooperation, transparency, and written plans are essential to prevent conflict.
• It's normal to feel fear, guilt, resentment, and loss—lean on support, including therapy if needed.

Dr. Gail Saltz’s practical and compassionate guidance resonated with listeners and the hosts alike, making clear that nobody is alone in these challenges—and more conversations are coming.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Caretaker Darenout is like, real.

[A]

That's real stuff.

[C]

Real stuff. And because it's real, and because when that happens, you're no good to yourself, and you're no good to your parent either. You're no good to anyone. Right. So you have to get real with yourself about your limits.

[A]

Somebody gonna cue me, or do I cue myself?

[D]

Cue yourself.

[A]

Okay. Oh, guys, I am gonna speak loudly because outside. Oh, no. Con Edison is drilling a hole in the street just in time for this.

[B]

Yeah, we actually stopped the men on the street, and we said, how long will this be going on? They said, another four hours.

[A]

Oh, I've got four more hours of this. Oh, fun. Yay. Yay, us. Yeah. They've been digging up things in the street. I'm telling you, I think they're gonna find Jimmy Hoffa. That is my prediction. They're gonna find Jimmy Hoffa. He is on 76th street, and all.

[B]

The streets around you are closed. You can't even get down.

[A]

No, no, you can't get down.

[B]

We were, like, doing a whole maze to get here.

[A]

No, you can't. Don't bother. Any.

[C]

Stay away.

[A]

Steer clear. Don't bother. Every street is closed off, and they're drilling for something.

[B]

For something.

[A]

They're drilling for something. Maybe there's gold.

[E]

Think if they hit something that they've never hit before, like, then what?

[A]

It sounds like they're cutting down trees, which are there trees growing underneath the street? That's what I believe.

[E]

Fascinating.

[A]

Well, guys, we're Back with another live episode. So let's get into it. What have we missed? I guess Super Bowl. Did you guys have super bowl parties?

[E]

You mean the Bad Bunny concert, right?

[A]

That's what you and I call it. The Bad Bunny concert. Jan, did you have a Super bowl?

[B]

I had 22 people at my new place.

[A]

You're kidding. You're joking.

[B]

I just felt like it would force me to get it unpacked, which it did. And it was actually really fun. Everybody brought stuff, so it made it easy. And it was like, I like a gathering like that. It's super casual. It's not, like, forced fun. And everybody's there to watch the game. And I just. We had a good time. It was nice. Nice to celebrate.

[A]

Let me ask you this question. Do women wear makeup to these gatherings or no makeup?

[B]

No makeup. This is like sweatpants. Casual as can be.

[A]

Heaven. Heaven on earth.

[E]

Do men wear makeup to these? No.

[A]

No to mind. What about your event?

[E]

I didn't have an event, but it was fun. The Bad Bunny performance was amazing.

[A]

So much fun to watch, which I saw after the fact. I just told you. I was. I was busy reading Jacob Soborough's book Firestorm. I highly recommend it. It is edge of your seat recent history, and it is brilliantly written. I loved it. But Mark and Joaquin went up to watch the Super Bowl. They were supposed to come down and get me when it was, like, two minutes to halftime so I could watch the Bad Bunny. Of course they come down, and I was like, oh, is it time? And they were like, oh, no. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. I forgot. Halftime is over.

[E]

Stop.

[A]

Halftime is over.

[E]

Stop.

[A]

Thank God we live in a world where I was able to stream it 35 different ways, which I did. I immediately watched it. I watched it again. I watched it again. I loved it. And I'm forcing Mark into taking salsa lessons.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I like that he agreed to salsa lessons.

[E]

Isn't it wild? To who? All of you, being in live production, that they were able to pull that off and bring all of that onto the field, and it was crazy. It was like you were walking through a set that they just brought out there within minutes.

[A]

I immediately wanted to book a trip back to Puerto Rico because I was like, oh, you know what? We need to go back to Puerto Rico. I forgot how dope it is there. And then. Yes, Albert, to answer your question, I'm always astounded when they pull off shows like that, because we know what it takes to pull off a show like that.

[B]

It Was pretty incredible.

[A]

Pretty incredible for sure. Jan is making me work.

[C]

Albert.

[A]

We have a big shoot Godly hour tomorrow. We're doing our pre Academy Award opening montage shoot.

[B]

Jan and Seth, what's the blame?

[A]

Why you bring me into.

[C]

I'm going to split the blame.

[A]

But it's mostly Jan. I'm just gonna say that we are recreating scenes from an iconic movie of this year's Oscar run up. And what I didn't realize is Jan wants me to wear every single costume that was in the movie.

[B]

Okay, so just to be clear, Seth and I rehearsed this yesterday and we've eliminated a few of their costumes to streamline it.

[A]

Great, Great. Cause there was about 38 different costumes. There was. There was.

[B]

But we've streamlined it a little and we will get you in and out as fast as possible.

[A]

Now there's 36.

[E]

36. But can I say, they are always epic. Every. All. I live for that, like two minutes of time at the beginning of the Oscar show. Yeah, it's incredible.

[A]

It is. But to be clear, it is two minutes. And Jan.

[E]

I know, but it's the best. It's worth it.

[A]

Jan believes that I should wear two and a half hours worth of costumes in a two minute segment.

[E]

Well, considering what you've pulled off, I'm with Jan on this one.

[B]

It's my favorite part of that show.

[E]

It's so good.

[B]

It's such a fun thing and people love it.

[A]

And well, it's the guaranteed part of that show. Every other part of the show is like, do we have a guest? Do we not have a guest? Do we have a guest?

[C]

Big guest.

[B]

This year.

[A]

We do have big guests.

[B]

We do have really big guests. We have Liam Morgan.

[A]

Yes. Amazing.

[B]

Got Matt Friend.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We're going to announce on the air tomorrow and I'm just going to do it right now. We've got Wycliffe performing.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Amazing. So we're.

[B]

We're in good shape.

[A]

That's a very big show. That is a very big show. Jan, we're good.

[E]

So you guys pull it off. You're only given. I say this all the time. You're giving the keys to that place at midnight and you produce a live show within hours. It's crazy.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, It'll.

[A]

It's. It.

[B]

We should have a good one this year.

[A]

We will have a good one. We will have a good one.

[B]

Do you remember that into existence.

[A]

Let's talk about it really quickly before we get to Dr. Gale, who is patiently waiting for us to get to the we are, I promise listeners, going to get to the topic at hand.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And maybe this will lead us into the topic at hand. Do you remember when Gelman fell off the Academy Awards stage into the orchestra pit? I remember it very well. And was horribly injured. And it was very grim. It was so bad. People don't know. People never know because we have a very stoic crew.

[B]

He was rehearsing the music segment and he stepped backwards on the stage and he fell into an open pit. It was maybe two hours before air, if that. And ambulances were there. I mean, it was insane. It was insane. And we just were like, you have to go to the emergency room. You have to go to the emergency room. And they put him on a stretcher. Next thing I knew, he was in the control room with me. Like, I was like, what is going on? He did not leave. Yeah, but it was. That was the scariest experience.

[A]

And what was so scary was that they kept telling me where he fell to watch out for that spot. Because it was a big open hole, like in the stage. From this, from the stairs to the stage.

[D]

And.

[A]

And I'm not kidding, it was like a vortex. Every time I had to run up the stairs, I was pulled towards the hole. I was like, what is this pit of hell that wants to suck us down there? And then the funniest part, if there was a funny part, was as we got on the plane to. Cause then we taped the show. We air the show live at 6am and we get to the airport. And by the time we get to the airport and we're getting on the plane to take off, the show is just starting to air in California. You know, we're going back to New York, but it's just starting to air in California. We're all like going on that 9:15am flight home. And so we get on the plane and like all of the producers are getting on the plane and as they're walking on Mark Consuelos goes, there's no shortage of suspects.

[D]

Very possible.

[A]

Very possible.

[E]

Genius.

[A]

Another Mark line every person walks on is like, no shortage of suspects on this flight.

[B]

I did want to tell you something and I think it definitely will lead to Dr. Gail. But I did get a call this weekend from Gail Weiner.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

My mother. My mother in law, who told me. Very excited. She told us that she won the Publishers Clearinghouse event.

[C]

Oh, God, no.

[B]

Yeah. Which obviously is a scam.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it just like, it just made me think of this, today's episode, what we're doing And I was like, oh, God. Which is part of everything that we're talking about.

[A]

Yeah. So today's topic is dealing with aging parents. We're all in it. Maybe you are an aging parent and you have very irritating adult children. We're going to look at it from all aspects, but we are all talking about dealing with aging parents. There's a lot to get into, the medical, the emotional, the financial toll it takes on everyone. Dr. Gayle is here. She's going to work it all out for us. Jan, what did you tell me about.

[B]

This sandwich generation anymore? Because everybody's living so long. It's called the club Sandwich generation. Like, there are multiple layers to this.

[A]

Well, we, you know, we always assumed, and we've had this discussion many times. We live in this house now. Our kids are gone, and we assumed that our parents, we, like, really thought we got the timing right. The kids are gonna leave, and our parents are going to move in. And we are hospital adjacent to every hospital on the Upper East. And it is like, this is a foolproof system. Everybody's going to live with us. If we need nursing help or specialists, everybody's here. It's going to be a breeze for us. Our parents have other ideas. They refuse to leave their homes. So when medicals arise, when emergencies arise, Mark and I frequently find ourselves commuting to where our parents are, which is not close to either one of us. So we've got that going on today. Clinical associate professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College and the host of the How Can I help podcast, Dr. Gail Saltz is here. Hi, Dr. Gail. Welcome to the podcast.

[D]

Thanks, guys.

[C]

Thanks, guys. Hey, Jan. We have a lot in common. My mother also won the Publisher's Clearinghouse. Right. Exactly. About a year ago. In fact, she won more than once. And so I, I, I feel you. I hear you.

[B]

Did she give out information like my, mine always does personally?

[C]

She sent, she sent in some money so that she could get the big money.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And that's, that is a very, that's a, that's a super common one. But, you know, of course, they're getting cleverer and cleverer. So, you know, they're just, it's quite ubiquitous, and there are so many issues. This is a tough, this is a tough, a tough situation when your parents are aging. And, and the, the thing you describe, Kelly, is so, so, so, so common. You know, you're, you think you're doing, you are doing, you are offering the most lovely, lovely thing. But I would tell you that the majority of Aging parents are. Want to stay in their home. Yeah.

[A]

They want their independence and they're afraid that you're going to, you meaning the child, the adult child, is going to somehow impede on their independence in some way or control their lives in some way.

[C]

That's certainly part of it. And part of it is simply leaving their home feels like loss, potential loss of independence, loss of familiarity. And yeah, they don't want a role reversal with you and they don't want to be controlled. They don't want to be controlled.

[A]

So when is it time to start having these conversations? Because, I mean, our parents still put off having these conversations with us and we're like, no, we've got to, we've got to talk about this.

[C]

Yeah, well, I would say whoever's listening now, whatever now is now, because the earlier the better in the sense that the farther away it is from any infirmity, lost, decline, the easier it is to have the conversation. Because the conversations are about everything from share with me what you would want in hypothetical situations, which are much easier to talk about than when you feel the fear of these things maybe actually happening. So the earlier is the better. And the way to. Rather than saying some form of, like, we have to nail down your financial planning and your medical choices and so on. It's sort of like I would like to understand for the. Because I want to know this about you and because I also for the who knows how far in the future so that I am making sure that I'm always cognizant of your wishes and what you would, what you would want and that I follow that. So that that's everything. And the conversation should be hopefully about different arenas. So. Right. So there's the health arena. Like, what do you, what are your feelings about if you ever became, you know, very, very ill? Like, are you a person who wants to have your life sustained no matter what? Are you a person who would just like never want to be, you know, on a, on a breathing machine? You know, are you. If you were incapacitated, who would you want to make decisions for you? This will save you a lot of heartache. Whether we're talking about siblings or lots of things can come to bear. And there's like, who would you want, what would you want done? What would you want done about if you ever found it difficult to live in your home unaided? What would you like to see for future care? That's like the health stuff. And that includes legal things like making a health proxy, making a power of attorney. If you're incapacitated, making a living will so that your wishes are followed. And then there's the financial arena, because again, often parents, as they're declining, they may start to struggle with things like bill paying, tax doing and all of the minutiae of financial things to sort of, you know, what's your setup? Would you be comfortable, not me taking over your setup, but with someone sort of having transparency, so if there is difficulty, you know, so we can help or, you know, what, what. Who do you have in your world that is helping you with these things?

[A]

You know, it's, it's. And I think the key to all of that, and you said this earlier, is that you've got to do it when things are calm. You don't want to do it when suddenly somebody's in the hospital, somebody is intubated, and then there is quarreling or screaming about what the wishes are of this person. It's important to get it in a time of calm, right?

[C]

Because inevitably, in that highly emotional and you know, the best way to manage these things is, you know. You know me, Kelly, I always want to talk about emotions, right? And I always want to deal about emotions. But in these kinds of situations, as much as you're able to be factual in the moment and less emotional, the more manageable and successful you tend to be, right? Because when it comes to the emotionality of the moment, it's often emotions that you're unaware of that drive behaviors like fear. I'm afraid they're going to die, you know, and, and we have to do this, that. And I want to control it. Guilt. I don't. I feel we had this ambivalent relationship, me and my mother or me and my father, and now I feel horribly guilty about it. So even though I don't know that they'd want to be kept, all I have to do everything I have to because I feel guilty. If it wasn't already established that that's not what they wanted. So these intense emotions that tend to occur, as you're saying, in the traumatic situation of the bedside or the terrible thing that happened, big ones being fear and guilt, to be honest with you, they drive this to really not go well. And because different kids have different relationships with their parents, and by the way, if they're siblings in a family, right, they may have different from each other relationships. One's the caretaker, one's the martyr, one's the guilt gridden, One's the. Everything's fine, everything's fine. I'm in denial, ignore it. And then you have a lot of difficulty between you all. Yeah.

[B]

So are you supposed to say in these early conversations with the parent, which one of us would you want us to make decisions for you?

[C]

Ideally, that is best. And they don't have to be all the decisions they could be. Who would you want to make the health decision? Who would you want to be to make a financial decision? Who would you want to make a legal decision? Because that. That might be different Sibs, you know, I mean, right now with my mom, like, I make all health decisions, and my brother tends to handle all the financial decisions. And we feel like that's a good division of labor. So that we're not, you know, we haven't talked yet about caregiver burnout, but you have to protect yourself and not be the one doing everything. So it can be good to designate, but yes to the parent, who would you want? And ideally, put that in writing.

[A]

Albert, in your family, with so many siblings, what's the division of labor?

[E]

It's difficult. I mean, my sister took on a very big role with my parents, health wise, to take care of them, my brothers, more financially. Dr. Gale, and we can get into this maybe after the break. I'm fascinated by when you're just in denial, like you don't want. These are the people that raised you. They are the ones that are always in charge. So when is that moment that you. How do you coach people to say, you have to take the reins now because it's about to get to a point where it's not. You can't turn any of it around? I think that's a very important thing to figure out.

[A]

Yeah, we definitely have to get into that, but I think we have to take a commercial break. All right, so we're going to take a commercial break with Dr. Gale. Stick around. If you know anything about me, it's that I love to do laundry. It just gives me such satisfaction. But did you also know that skincare can start in the laundry room? The first step of a sensitive skincare routine is choosing the right laundry detergent. All Free Clear is the number one detergent brand recommended by dermatologists for sensitive skin. Allfree Clear is 100% free of dyes and fragrance allergens. It provides an effective clean that's gentle on the skin while removing impurities like dirt and body oil that can irritate your skin. It's made with eight carefully selected ingredients to fight stains and be gentle on skin. How great is that? All Free Clear has been a game changer for me. It leaves my clothes feeling fresh and my skin feeling happy. I especially love that it doesn't give my laundry a strong artificial odor like some other brands. You know what I mean? For an effective skin friendly clean wash with all free clear, Quince is all about elevated essentials that feel effortless. Designed for layering and mixing, each piece helps build a timeless wardrobe made to last with versatile silhouettes and thoughtful details. They're the kind of styles you wear again and again. They've got the wardrobe staples with quality that's made to last. 100%. Organic cotton sweaters Premium denim made with stretch for all day. Comfort luxe cotton cashmere blends perfect for the changing seasons. I keep ordering their cashmere crewneck sweaters. They're only 50 bucks. They come in 15 colors and are perfect for every season. Here's the best part. Quince works directly with safe ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're not paying for brand markup, just high quality clothing. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com off camera for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com off camera free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince. It's often the smallest things that have the biggest impact like a glossy lip or smoky eye. If you're looking to amplify your everyday look, Thrive Cosmetics is your go to. Every product is 100% vegan, cruelty free and made with clean skin loving ingredients that work with your skin, not against it. Like their brilliant eye brightener, a waterproof eyeshadow highlighter stick made to brighten and open your eyes. I also discovered one of their products last month that I now will never live without. The hydrating lip tint has kept my lips, dare I say the word, moist. Seriously, my lips stayed soft and smooth for hours and that's tough in the winter. And here's the best part for me. With over $150 million in product and cash donations to more than 600 giving partners, your purchase directly fuels real impact. That's beauty with purpose. Amplify your everyday. Go to thrivecosmetics.com off camera for an exclusive offer of 20% off your first order. That's Thrive Cosmetics. C A U S E M E t I c s.com off camera. Oh boy, did we touch on a nerve. We are back with Dr. Gail Saltz. She is here answering all of your questions about being in the club sandwich generation A new terminology for me. Yeah. Okay, so we've got a call. We've got Jen from New Jersey. Jen, hi. You're on with Gail Salt.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Hi.

[D]

So great. Thanks for taking my call.

[A]

Of course.

[D]

So my husband and I became empty nesters about a year and a half ago. And about three weeks after that, we became parenting our parents. And it's been very challenging to say the least. So my, so many questions asked. But I guess my, my big one is, you know, we're adults, we're grown ups and when we speak to our parents, it's how do we get them to listen to what we're saying instead of looking at us as children with, you know, five heads on our shoulders? And why would we suggest something like that?

[A]

I wish you could see this podcast because every, every box in this computer group is shaking their head in agreement with you. We're all agreeing with you, Jen.

[C]

Yeah, that's a common, common difficulty. I guess the best that I could tell you is so you will always be their child to them, right? And you're not. What you're trying to do is talk to them not as if you're the parent now, which for them will feel controlling and they will get defensive and push back, but instead like you're adult to adult here and not, you're not their child, you're not their parent, you're like on an even playing field, adult to adult. And you're enlisting them and following what they want so that they don't perceive you as taking control. So these are suggest you noticed X and you're wondering if they might find this thing helpful or this thing to be, make it more organized or relieving or what would they like in terms of some help or support with. We could be talking about whatever, right? The house making it safer, their meds making them more organized. This is where setting up a lot of these things, but with their, with their enlistment, as though you are collaborating with them, you know, collaboratively. It would be great to install another banister. You know, check the lighting and make sure there aren't dark spots, there aren't rugs that you'll slip out from under you, that you have a pill box that lines up all your pills, or you do the pill pack thing that has them all sent to you, already packed. You know, these sorts of things. We could be talking about the money things, you could be talking about the health things, but you're coming up with ideas and saying, what do you think? Do you think that could be helpful? Because we could maybe help you do some of that or get some of that done or what would you like or see as a good way to address this issue? Now, I can't tell you. You have to. The reason you do it this way is because when you come in and say, hey, you need to do this, because I see this is terribly dangerous and bad, and I don't, you know, and I don't believe you can do it right. You're accentuating for them the feeling of loss and loss of control and fear, and they're going to get the loss of the independence. They're going to get their backs up and they're just going to deflect you. So that is why, taking this other tact of sort of. I know that you're able and you're doing and all those things, but I notice at this age, this is difficult or this is difficult, or you took a fall and what can we do together? How can I help you accomplish this to make it so that you can continue doing all the things you want to do independently?

[A]

Yeah. Jen, do you have any siblings or does your husband have siblings?

[D]

So I have a brother who lives a bit further close, so it wouldn't be much better.

[C]

By the way, I will also. I'll also throw in this when. When there is real safety involved. Right. And you can't. And a parent won't is like, no. Right. That's when you want to enlist, not you or not one of their children. So you might call up their doctor and say, I'm seeing this and I'm really worried about this. Can you speak to them? Because an outside person, like a doctor, like a, you know, even a. Like a social worker, outside people who can come in officially usually have better luck when a parent really won't agree to something that actually is important and includes safety.

[D]

It's funny because I'll tell the doctor ahead of an appointment, you know, set my concerns and. And my father will just absolutely, vehemently deny that's not true. That never happened. I feel great. Everything's wonderful, you know, And a doctor is like, okay, well, you know, they can't really make them do anything.

[C]

That's a fair point. I mean, the truth is, until someone really legally loses capacity, which does happen, you know, we have a growing epidemic of dementia in this country, and then decisions have to be made about that. But until that point, you can't. You can't force someone. And I think what's important in this kind of scenario is that you realize you can only do what you can do. Right. And you, you do have to protect yourself and your emotional well being and know that you can't, you can only lead a horse to water. Right. You know, you, at a certain point, you do have to understand it's their life and they may make some decisions you really disagree with and, and know are not best, but you may not be able to affect everything.

[D]

Yep. Yeah. Thank you so much.

[A]

I really appreciate you. Yeah. Best of luck to you, Jen. All right.

[D]

I'm so glad you guys are doing this. It's so helpful.

[A]

Thank you. Yeah, thanks.

[C]

We, we.

[A]

I think it needs to be like an 18 part special. As a matter of fact. Let's go to Danielle in Las Vegas. Danielle, hi. You're on with Dr. Gail Saltz.

[D]

Hi. Hi, Kelly. Hi. Hi, Dr. Gail. Everything you just talked about was exactly what I was dealing with with my mom. She was 88. She passed on Sunday. She passed away.

[C]

So sorry.

[A]

Sorry.

[D]

Yeah, she fell. She was living. Yeah, she was in an assisted living. She was having the time of her life finally after she, you know, just having a horrible life and she fell and she broke her hip. And of course, you know, one thing leads to another. And we just saw her on Saturday and, you know, she couldn't talk, she couldn't do a lot. But backstory really quick. My dad died in 2022. As he was laying on his deathbed, my brother on the phone said to my mom, not high, not how are you? Not anything. There's still money for my kids. Right then screaming at her that he was coming out to sell her house, sell this, do that, do that. She hung up on him. She hasn't spoken to him basically in three and a half years, nor has she seen her really her grandchildren, except for once or twice. No communication whatsoever. No emails, no text messages, nothing. Mom then said, I want to make you the executor. Take your brother off. I said, are you sure? I said, your decision. We took care of that. Then we got a competency lawyer. So that way she was in sound mind that this, this is her decision. Everything is like I's dotted, t's crossed. I have been taking care of mom 247 for the last three and a half years with everything, doctors, you know, everything. Am I feel, I don't. Am I obligated to contact him to let him know that she passed away? Or is it, I don't know what to do. And also there's a college fund for the kids that are minors. Am I obligated to send that paperwork to Him, I'm afraid that he's going to open up a can of worms and come after me, even illegally. He has no recourse to do so, as I was told by an attorney. But I just. I just don't. I. I don't know what to do with this. You know what I mean? Or do I just move on and just take care of her? I just came from the mortuary. I was just on my way back. And on the radio, I'm like, this is a sign from God that I need to call in. And just what I've been deal with for the last three and a half years, you know, I called her Big Baby. Big Baby mom, because that's what it was. It was like I, I would have to tell my husband to tell her what to do.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, first of all, like, give yourself a beat. You know, you. You haven't had even a moment to grieve, and there are a lot of emotions involved here, undoubtedly. And I hear, and understandably, you're. You're very angry at your brother, and you're also grieved about your mother. And so it's really hard to make good decisions when you're really emotionally, you know, in the thick of it. So I, I would give yourself a moment to, you know, have some. Some feelings and a little bit of space, and you're not, you know, this isn't all going to transpire next week. These things take a bit of time to, you know, settle the state and whatnot. But I would also say, you know, I think the question you got to ask yourself is to never notify your brother about his mother's death, you know, is going to weigh on you in a certain kind of way. And, you know, you sound like you're. You're a moral and good person, and that just may not, you know, ultimately sit with you. And even though I understand what you're afraid of, if you've been advised that, you know, the will is the will is the will, you know, his children are innocent parties, right? They. They did not do what he did in this. And so you, you probably, you know, don't want to punish them in this. And so ultimately that you want to follow her wishes, right? And in her wishes, she made you the executor, but she left money for her grandchildren to have for college. And that's, you know, that's what a will is for. A will is to honor that person's wishes, and she made that clear. And there's probably, you know, if they're going to get a college fund, then that should be known about. And he's going to know anyway. But. So probably you are going to tell him. But you might take a moment and let some of the dust settle for yourself. Some of the anger and some of the grief, and then think about how you best want to go about that. Whether you want to talk to him or whether you feel it'd be better to write him. Because writing maybe, you know, as often creates a distance, allows you to really collect your thoughts, say things in the way you want to say them. You know, he. It's hard to know, but in this scenario where he was truly estranged, you may feel terrible guilt. And, you know, it may be better to. And you know, when people feel guilty, they lash out, they feel anger, they feel all kinds of things. So you might want to write him and have it be something where he can then have whatever reaction not at you.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And like Dr. Gayle said, Danielle, I would give yourself a beat because you haven't had a moment to grieve. And you, you have every right to grieve and to feel the loss of your mother, because we do, like we all, everybody in this room understands sort of that, you know, the shift of having a parent that parented you suddenly become like your child. And the older they get, the more like your child they become. Even though you, you know, I understand, you understand that that's your mother. She was still like your baby. Like, you cared for her and you nurtured her and you took care of her as best you could, you know, and so you're gonna have very strong feelings about your brother right now. But like Dr. Gayle said, she made. She made certain carve outs in her will to take care of her grandchildren. And she trusts you enough to follow her wishes when she is not here to advocate for her grandchildren. But absolutely give yourself the time that you need. And I like the letter writing idea.

[B]

That was so smart.

[A]

Yeah, very smart.

[E]

And Danielle, can I say, as a brother who worships my sister for doing everything that you did for your mother, you are an amazing person to have do that. And I thank you for it. Because it's hard.

[D]

It was very, very, very, very, very, very hard. And it was hard on my relationship with my spouse as well. You know, it just. It was hard because we didn't. My mom and I didn't have a relationship for almost 30 years. So this is on top of it. So very new.

[E]

It's incredible what you did.

[C]

That's. That makes it even. Harder. That makes it even harder because even though as, as Kelly said, you're, you know, she became like your baby and you nurtured her. Your mom is your mom is your mom. No matter what happens to them, baby. Like all the things estranged all the things. And there's like a core fantasy mom that is still in there somewhere. And it's. When you lose them, it gives you a bit of that sort of orphaned feeling that is a really hard feeling. It's a really sad, sad feeling that you need a little time to sit with.

[D]

Thank you guys. I really appreciate it. I guess it was just meant to be. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. We're really sorry, Danielle. We're sorry for your loss and we wish you all the best.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Poor Danielle Albert.

[E]

It's. It's the hardest position to be in the one that she's in, especially dealing with a sibling in that scenario. I don't know how. It's very difficult.

[C]

Yeah, you.

[E]

Would you give up your life to do what she did? And you're doing all the doctor appointments and you're lifting your mother out of a car and you're carrying. I mean, that is a. It is, it's physically tough. It's not even emotionally tough. There's a physicalness to it that your body at however old you are, it's hard to do. And it's like. It's not just an emotional toll, you know, it's, it's a strain on you physically. So it's a, it's, it's a lot for people.

[C]

It's a strain physically, it's a strain economically.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Caretaker burnout is like real. That's real stuff, right?

[C]

Real stuff. And I really advise people to, to. Because it's real and because when that happens, then you're no good to yourself and you're no good to your parent either. You're no good to anyone. Right. So I really say you have to get real with yourself about your limits. Okay. And then you have to define. And then you have to go back to that parent and say some form of. These are my limits. So what will we do now to fill in for those limits? You know, like let's. We need some part time help. It can't. It cannot be me all the time. You know, I can come once a week. I can't come every day. You need to state your limits and then work out a plan of how you will make up for what needs to be made up for, even if your parent doesn't love it.

[B]

I have another question. What if like, you want to help, just say your father and then your mom is like, for lack of a better word, cockblocking.

[A]

You.

[B]

Like, not like gatekeeping. Gatekeeping the situation. Like, how do you deal with that?

[C]

Yeah. So the question, of course, is usually, why? Why is the other parent blocking your ability to help? And usually, again, unfortunately, it comes back to a fear that they're looking at the end of their partner's independence and their partners being the kind of partner that they want them to be, they need them to be. And this highlights that. And it scares them.

[A]

Right.

[C]

It means that this is over. Right. The partnership that they've had and guilt and a feeling of loss of them. In other words, they should be able to do this. And you're coming in and saying, I have to do this means you're saying they can't do it right. At some level to them. So it is about approaching them, therefore, and saying, look, I see that this is. I know you can do lots of things, but it's extra taxing, it's extra hard. So I'm really trying to think of how. Let's you and I put our heads together. You, mom, me and me. Let's put our heads together about what would work that you would feel comfortable with, that I can be helpful in getting for you guys to make this easier, to make this so that you can continue on the way you have been continuing on. It's really a matter of putting in your head and acknowledging that these fears of these various things are making her go, no, no, no, you're not telling me that I can't, you know, I can't do this for him, or he can't do it for himself, or you're gonna put us in a home or whatever it means to her and saying instead. No, really, what I'm saying is let. Can we collaboratively. I want to collaborate with you on what I can help bring to the table that would be helpful to you, Mom. So it's not all on you because, like, this is hard and to you, dad, so that you can, you know, maintain the best of you because you'll have this support.

[A]

What if there's an adversarial relationship between one parent? Like if Jan, say, has an adversarial relationship with one of her parents, but she needs to caretake another parent, what. What happens then?

[C]

Yeah, I mean, you know, ideally you'd be able to go to the parent who needs the help and have this collaborative conversation where you don't have to get into where what might be happening the Blocking the gatekeeping may have more to do with. I'm angry at you, right. We have this adversary. I'm always angry at you. So I don't want your help. I, you know, I don't I that sort of situation. So that's a thing that you would have to work out with that relationship before you're gonna. Right. This is just a behavior as a result of the emotional problem that the two of you have, which is something that could be worked on. But in the meanwhile, you know, ideally it's going to the father, for example, and saying, I see this is difficult. I'd like to do this. I know. I'm not sure if mom would be accepting of that. How do you feel about it? You know, can I do XYZ now? Look, you can't. Kids, no matter their age, can never put themselves in between that couple.

[A]

Right?

[C]

And it's not really best for them or for you to put yourself between them and divide them further.

[A]

Okay, now we're going to take a commercial break and we'll be back with Dr. Gail Saltz in just a minute. Stick around. Foreign. This episode of let's Talk off Camera is brought to you by Alloy Health. Use promo code off camera for $20 off your first [e-mail]. here's the truth, everyone. Brain fog, sleep issues, changes in your hair and skin, even your sex drive, they're all connected to hormones.

[B]

Was there like, was there one like symptom that surprised you the most from this?

[A]

I mean, there was many, but the changes in my skin, like the actual skin on my body frightened me.

[B]

See, I'm so scared that I haven't tried started hormones yet that I've like missed a window.

[A]

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[C]

He tried it and now he won't.

[B]

Eat his other food.

[A]

Oh, so you don't need it now?

[B]

The dry food he won't eat. He's obsessed with it.

[A]

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[E]

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[A]

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[E]

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[A]

This is a big one. I mean, I, we're going to have to have Dr. Gail back because we have too many callers and not enough time. But my mom, my mom said something very funny a couple of years back and she said to me, you know, and this was back in, you know, when certain health issues, because we are lucky enough to still have all four of our parents, but certain health issues were popping up like whack a mole on Mark's side, my side, it was just this and that. And my mom said we didn't do this with our parents because our parents just dropped dead. And, and they are from that generation where parents just, you know, keeled over. And now we know it a lot and we are benefiting from the longevity of medicine. Better living, better health.

[C]

But you know what? We're benefiting, we're benefiting from long quantity. Yes, but not long quality. We're all talking now in medicine about healthspan and how do we improve housespan because, you know, living like you're not living is not exactly a gift. And so you're right, people are living and that's why, you know, a lot of the financial issues come to bear because where we supporting this very aged and not medically well population is become overwhelming and it's difficult and it's difficult for you children, you adult children, where the burden falls on you. And yeah, usually right. The parent would be gone and you.

[A]

Be aging right well, we've got a call let's get to. We've got Kelly in San Francisco. Kelly, hi. You're on with Dr. Gail. Hey.

[D]

Hi, Kelly. Hi, Dr. Gail. Shout out to Mark and stump Mark.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

We pray for Mark. But I just wanted to also just echo that everybody was saying, like, I am going through it, y'. All. Like, we just lost my dad in March. My mom was one of seven. As she was burying her last sibling, she walked into. My dad was being carted out. The family dog died two weeks after that. You know, everything that you can imagine. And I come from a very big, loving family where everybody wants to step in, put their two cents in. You need to do this, you need to do that. Of course, I'm the younger of the siblings. My dad is one of was one of 14. My mom was one of seven. So you can imagine all the point of views coming my way. But I guess. But, you know, we were left with is we didn't know how sick my dad was. So, you know, all these bills that are coming through, it's like a scavenger hunt every time I go over there. And my mom is just like, she's stuck. She's like, stuck because my mom was 19. She's 86 now, so they were married 68 years. She was a teacher and educator. All she knows is how to open up that classroom, you know, get everybody to get. Take care of everybody else, but she's just not taking care of her. So she's stuck. And so now, you know, with bills piling up and you know her just like, she just basically says, okay, okay, sure, yeah. Mm. You know, as multicolored bills come in, and I'm like, I do have a. I have siblings. You know, they're in the east coast, and I have one down here. He's not, you know, that well. To help me in the day to day, I work full time. My husband works full time. We don't have children. But, you know, I threw myself into therapy because I knew this was gonna fall on me. I just knew it. I just knew it. But I guess my question is, how do I unstick my mom? She can get around her. Thing is, she's stuck on the Hallmark Channel, y'. All. She watches that shit every day. And I'm like, did you watch the news? Do you know what's happening? You know, like, you know, the biggest.

[C]

News.

[D]

We'Re in the Bay Area and she wants to make gumbo and everything fine. But then all the dust settle. I'm like, girl, this bill's got to be paid.

[A]

Like, come on, Kelly. I'm just saying if she's making gumbo, I can come over her bills.

[D]

And by all y', all, I'm serious. But I just, you know, like I said, I threw myself into therapy and, you know, I have to step back and sometimes you don't agree with the therapist all the time. And like the one thing that she said, the therapist was like, it's not your job to take care of your mom. And I wanted to punch her in her face.

[A]

But don't punch your therapist.

[D]

What do I do, you know, as far as, do I bring her into one of my sessions to say, hey, you know, so I can have somebody else say what I've been trying to say in different ways to get her unstuck because, you know, quite as frank, quite as kept, you know, daddy took care of everything first.

[C]

Dr. Gail, this is a very complicated situation. I don't know that I could say that. An 86 year old woman who had a marriage her whole life where he didn't let her in on, you know, bill paying and how to do that and all, you know, like she has no experience because that's the way they ran. Who has lost her husband and her life partner and is managing from a coping strategy to make gumbo and watch tv. And frankly, the news is hardly cheery. I, you know, I, I don't, I don't think actually it's so bad. She's watching the Hallmark channel. You know, she, she could be. If you said to me, she's stuck, like, she won't get out of bed, you know, I'd be like, okay, she is, you know, has severe grief and she needs to see someone and so on. But, but she doesn't sound like that. She just sounds like she's living as she has lived. And asking her at 86, to take on new skill sets in the financial department may not go the way you would hope it would go. Now, why should it all fall to you? I don't know. There are a lot of siblings. Yeah. On every side. You do have to have your limits. So the question is, there needs to be like a family powwow. My goodness. There are, what did you say, 14 plus 7. There are 21 of you. And there needs to be a pow wow of how this division of labor will go on. But what you might talk about in your therapy is why you feel it all has to be you, because that doesn't sound very reasonable or fair. And each of you need to Share in some of this burden of helping her.

[A]

Dr. Gail, though, wouldn't you say? In my experience, it's always the daughter who is on site that bears the bulk of the responsibility.

[C]

So the daughter on site ends up bearing particularly the hands on. But let's be real, finances do not need to be hands on. That's right.

[A]

Yeah. The other siblings need to step up for sure.

[C]

What you need is transparency in the finances, like contact with hospitals in the area that they dealt with or whatever. Okay. We need to see. We need to organize here and see what can be done. And so she needs to provide transparency, which it sounds like won't be a problem, like she doesn't have an issue with that. But you're right, unfortunately, what you might end up bearing is sort of like she fell down and she can't get up or some. The, you know, the physical equivalence ends up being the person often nearby. And still, I would say to you, you know, there might need to be some rotation. Who else is in the area? Who else, you know, can help provide a home health aide financially, those sorts of things.

[A]

Kelly, thank you so much for your call. Dr. Gayle, what happens if a parent says, I don't ever want to be put in a nursing home? What happens?

[C]

This is when you need to say to a parent, let us talk about the whys and then the realities of the situation. So you can say, I hear you. Why? What does a nursing home represent to you that would be different? What are the things specifically about a nurse? Because people have a lot of ideas, some which could be true, some not true, or it might be something very specific that could still be addressed in a skilled nursing facility. So understanding, what does that mean? Then the next thing is, here's the money situation. Mom and dad, what would. Given the financial realities and the fact that I am not going to bankrupt myself and my children, which is a reason you have to make some limits for yourself that are reasonable. Okay, what would you want? What is affordable that you would want that could sustain you? If you truly at some point lack capacity to care for yourself, have a logical conversation about it. That is the best that you can do.

[A]

Thank you, Dr. Gayle. This has been so helpful and informative. I really think we need to do a part two. I mean, honestly, so many questions. We have so many calls we didn't get to. We have so many. And we have so much more information, so many more questions. Dr. Gill, you have been completely invaluable. Thank you so much.

[C]

Thank you guys for having me. And.

[A]

Sooner or later. Right?

[C]

Everybody's got a mom and dad, and this is how it goes.

[A]

Well, thanks so much, and we'll talk with you all off camera next week. Bye, everyone. Let's talk off camera with Kelly Ripa is a production of Malojo Productions. From Malojo, our team is Kelly Ripa, Mark Consuelos, Albert Bianchini, Jan Chile, Seth Bronquist, Roz Therian, Devin Schneider, Michael Halperin, Julia Desch, and team radio Andy Lisa Mantineo, Scott Marlo, Jake Getz. The 2026 Chevy Equinox is more than an SUV.

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