Life Kit – “A Better Way to Support Your Teens as They Go Back to School”
Host: Marielle Segarra (NPR)
Guest: Lisa Damour, psychologist & author
Reporter: Andy Tagle
Date: August 19, 2025
Episode Overview
In this insightful episode, Life Kit dives into the emotional challenges and opportunities that come with teens and preteens heading back to school. With NPR reporter Andy Tagle leading the conversation, psychologist and author Lisa Damour shares actionable advice, backed by recent survey data, on how parents can best support their kids' mental health, foster open communication, and set healthy boundaries—especially around social media and independence.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Emotional Complexity of Back-to-School ([00:15]–[06:51])
-
Old Anxieties & New Pressures:
- Teens still stress about fitting in, body changes, and social acceptance.
- Today’s teens also worry about larger world issues (climate, economy) and the added pressures of social media.
“Young people worry about big things…One of the top concerns for young people was what their futures were gonna look like.” — Lisa Damour, [05:55]
-
Parental Concerns Have Also Evolved:
- Parents worry about academics, mental health, social media, and the unknowns affecting their children.
- There is often a sense of emotional distance as kids become more independent.
Quote:
“I think a lot of parents feel like they don’t really know the kid in the same way they felt they used to. I think a lot of parents feel like their kid has broken up with them.”
— Lisa Damour, [07:00]
2. Opening Communication Channels ([07:24]–[10:36])
- Let Kids Come to You (or Gently Schedule):
- Teens want to talk—they’re just selective about timing.
- Wait for organic openings or schedule a time for talks, rather than ambushing them.
Quote:
“The best way…is to listen for when your teenager brings it up…once your kid is talking about it, that is a great time to say, ‘how are things feeling for you at school?’”
— Lisa Damour, [07:35]
- Embrace the “Eye Roll”:
- Eye rolls and grumbling are normal, even constructive.
- What counts is compliance, not the attitude.
Quote:
“So long as they’re doing what we ask, even if they’re rolling their eyes, I think adults should accept that they have found a way to both be compliant without seeming like a goody-two-shoes.”
— Lisa Damour, [10:11]
3. Navigating Perfectionism ([10:45]–[12:05])
- Addressing the Pressure to Be Perfect:
- A third of Gen Z kids feel pressure to be flawless.
- Parents should normalize mistakes, reinforcing worthiness independent of performance.
Quote:
“The goal is to help them understand that mistakes are inevitable…while we are working on our shortcomings, we still can feel that we are good and worthy and decent.”
— Lisa Damour, [11:29]
4. Emotional Ups and Downs: The Teenage Rollercoaster ([12:05]–[14:29])
- It’s Normal for Teens to Have Intense, Shifting Emotions:
- Peaks (“top of the world”) and valleys (“world is ending”) are part of healthy development.
Quote:
“Mental health is not about feeling good…it is about having feelings that fit what’s happening and managing those feelings well.”
— Lisa Damour, [13:25]
- Negative Emotions Are Not a Sign of Danger:
- Sadness or stress following disappointments is expected (“proof of mental health”), not always a red flag.
5. Supporting Teens After a Bad Day ([14:29]–[17:32])
- Listen First, Advise Rarely:
- Teens most want adults to “just listen” and “take our feelings seriously.”
- Advice should come only when asked for.
Quote:
“Far and away, what they said is, just listen. Second to that was take our feelings seriously. Very low down on the list was offer advice.”
— Lisa Damour, [14:47]
- Give Space When Needed:
- Respect teens’ need to decompress after school; it’s not personal if they retreat.
- Don’t expect a full recount of their day (think: “Tell me about every meeting you had today”).
Quote:
“School is a lot of people…It’s not that they don’t want to be with the adults in their home. It’s that they don’t want to be with anybody.”
— Lisa Damour, [16:18]
6. Social Media & Setting Boundaries ([17:32]–[21:38])
- Introduce Tech Gradually:
- Start with texting; avoid social media until age 14 if possible.
- At 14, kids can reason about different perspectives and motivations, building resilience to online pressures.
Quote:
“My ideal for when social media comes into the picture is minimally age 14…The older teenagers can be before they get on social media, the more skepticism they bring to the table, which for social media is a very good thing.”
— Lisa Damour, [18:18]
- Safety First in Rule-Setting:
- Discuss boundaries by emphasizing safety rather than punishment or legal consequences.
- Encourage independence but set guardrails centered on wellbeing.
Quote:
“Do not focus on what you’re going to do if you bust them…Focus on the teenager’s safety.”
— Lisa Damour, [20:01]
- Today’s Teens Are “The Tame Generation”:
- Lisa notes teens today don’t push boundaries like previous generations; some clinicians worry they’re not getting enough independence.
7. Sleep and Routine: The Unsung Pillars ([22:06]–[22:48])
- Sleep is Non-Negotiable:
- High schoolers: aim for 9 hours
- Middle schoolers: 10 hours
- Elementary: 11+ hours
Quote:
“Sleep is the glue that holds human beings together. High schoolers are supposed to begin getting nine hours of sleep a night. Middle schoolers 10, elementary school kids 11 hours or more.”
— Lisa Damour, [22:06]
- Routines Make Transitions Smoother:
- Routines reduce the need for constant decisions and reinforce priorities.
- Expect some complaining—transitions are tough!
Takeaways & Actionable Advice
(As summarized by Andy Tagle, [23:03]–[23:45])
- Your teen has a lot on their plate. Let them come to you, or gently schedule talks instead of ambushing them.
- Some distance in your relationship is normal. Embrace the eye roll!
- Give lots of space and focus on listening—let your child develop coping skills.
- When setting boundaries, focus on safety risks—not just punishments.
- Prioritize sleep and routines for a smoother school transition.
Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)
- “Not a good way to start my middle school journey.” — Marielle Segarra [00:34]
- “Absolutely. There’s the timeless ones and there’s the timely ones.” — Lisa Damour [05:42]
- “Embrace the eye roll.” — Andy Tagle [10:36]
- “Mental health is about having feelings that fit what’s happening and managing those feelings well.” — Lisa Damour [13:25]
- “Just listen…Far and away, that’s what they said.” — Lisa Damour [14:47]
- “Let the kid dump it. Right? They’re just trying to get rid of it. Don’t ask them why they brought the garbage home.” — Lisa Damour [15:51]
- “The older teenagers can be before they get on social media, the more skepticism they bring to the table, which for social media is a very good thing.” — Lisa Damour [19:17]
- “Sleep is the glue that holds human beings together.” — Lisa Damour [22:06]
Structure for Quick Reference
- Intro & Main Theme: Navigating the emotional landscape of teens returning to school ([00:15])
- Teen & Parent Anxieties: Modern and timeless ([05:42]–[07:00])
- Communication Tips: Let teens open up on their terms, embrace eye rolls ([07:24]–[10:36])
- Addressing Perfectionism: Mistakes are learning ([11:26])
- Teen Mood Swings: Normalizing ups and downs ([12:18])
- Supporting Bad Days: Listen, don’t fix right away ([14:47])
- Giving Space: Unwind time is for everyone ([16:18])
- Managing Social Media: Delay, discuss, and set healthy rules ([18:18])
- Setting Boundaries: Focus on safety, encourage age-appropriate independence ([21:38])
- Sleep & Routines: Crucial for a stable transition ([22:06])
- Final Takeaways: Practical tips for a better school year ([23:03])
This episode provides research-backed, actionable tools for parents and caregivers to help their teens thrive during the tough back-to-school transition. The tone is supportive, encouraging, and realistic, filled with empathy for both parents and kids. The central message: Teens need connection, space, structure, and plenty of sleep—and parents do too.