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Andy Tagle (4:11)

Okay everybody, here's question one dear life kit, I'm struggling with my relationship with my future sister in law. She often says things that are hurtful or judgmental. One time she told me, I love you but you're too much of a self absorbed person to own a dog. And this was over a meal that I had brought over for her. I've had pets in the past, raised my younger sister, taking care of my sick mom. I volunteer regularly. I don't live my life in a way that I think most would consider self absorbed. She frequently comments on the decisions my fiance, her brother and I make. Her comments make us second guess our decisions and bring us down. In the past, when my fiance has brought up an opposing opinion, she shuts him down and is adamant that she is right and he is wrong. So lately I've begun avoiding her. How can I cope with the situation in a healthy way and have a healthy relationship with her? Signed Feeling Frozen.

Adia Gooden (5:11)

Well, you know, I think this is a situation of needing to recognize when someone's comments are not about you. I mean, many of the times when we interact with People, it's about them, it's not about us. And if you know for yourself that you are not selfish, that you are not self absorbed, then you shouldn't let somebody's comment that you are derail you or override what you know to be true from your own experience, from how you've shown up. So I think the first thing is how do you remember who you are and know who you are and be grounded in that? And then how do you determine and discern whose opinion you're going to take and whose opinion you're going to leave? Right. Like if it's your wise grandma and she says, hey, it seems like you've been focusing on yourself a little too much and I want you to think about this. That might be very different than a sister in law who you don't really feel knows you, tends to make judgmental comments and is often making you feel bad. Right. So she may be somebody who you're like, I'm going to leave your opinions over there because that's about you, it's really not about me. And then you may also need to set some boundaries. Like, hey, you know, it feels, I feel judged when you give me advice. So I prefer that not to be part of our relationship or something. Right. You may have a conversation at some point.

Brittany Luce (6:30)

I echo that. I think that you can't control her. You can only control how you, how and when you interact with her to a certain degree and also like how you want to take on what she's saying to and about you. Another question that I have though, where is your fiance in all this? Like at the end of the day, that's his sister and I think he could play maybe a bigger role in managing the, like your relationship as a couple to her. It also sounds like maybe there's something going on where he's also taking on a lot of as far as like her judgments of him and you guys relationship. And that is also something to kind of like be aware of. Like I remember my therapist at one point saying to me when I was talking about somebody that I was having a difficult issue with and she said, you know, have you ever considered that this person may never change? Like I want you to consider that and then think about how you want to conduct yourself going forward. And yeah, I think that's not just something for you to do, but it sounds like it may be something for your fiance to do as well.

Andy Tagle (7:39)

Mm.

Brittany Luce (7:40)

Yeah.

Andy Tagle (7:42)

The one question that I had here is as they're starting a new life, as they're Starting to pull away from the sister. Like the optics of that can feel hard.

Adia Gooden (7:50)

It seems like there might be space for them to distance without like totally cutting off. And I think if people question, you could also just, you can give people an opportunity to do something different. You can also say, hey, you know, every time you make these comments, it makes me feel judged and criticized and I don't like it. And I'm hoping you could stop and you can give them an opportunity to stop and they can try. And if they do, great, and if they don't, they'll know exactly why there has been a shift.

Brittany Luce (8:20)

Yeah, that makes me think of something that I say. It's like a personal philosophy which is like, I'm going to give as much as I can lovingly and no more. Because if you, if you give more than what you can give lovingly, you're either going to, either leads to conflict or it leads to you feeling shortchanged even if the other person is fine. Right. You're feeling terrible because you feel like you overextended yourself and you got trampled on and it just, it doesn't make anybody happy.

Andy Tagle (8:47)

Wow, I love that.

Adia Gooden (8:49)

That's a great philosophy.

Andy Tagle (8:50)

Moving on to question two. Dear Life Kit, As a six foot tall woman, I am often told by complete strangers variations of wow, you're tall. It makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit like a spectacle. Some people say I should take it as a compliment, but I think it's rude for others to announce my most prominent feature to me with a tone of shock. I don't want to normalize the comments, but I don't want to embarrass the commenters either. How can I respond? Signed more than my height.

Brittany Luce (9:19)

More than my height. I appreciate the fact that you don't want to embarrass the people who are making these comments, but I just want to offer maybe not 100% embarrassment or even like 60% embarrassment, but maybe a nice little gritty 15% embarrassment where you can respond with like, oh my gosh, you are the, you are. You know, you're the first person to tell me that and just give them a little giggle. And then you kind of give them the opportunity to laugh with you, but they know like you're not playing. And then if they don't take the hint the first time, then you can just be direct and be like, does this the, is this the thing that's catching your attention so much that you have to say something right now? I just feel like if you can give someone sort of like one pass with a little joke to sort of let them know that you don't like it. And then after that, I think if you're really direct, then people will get it.

Adia Gooden (10:06)

Yeah, I agree with Brittany. If people are continuing to sort of like cross this boundary, being more serious about it and be like, it's not cool, I'm not comfortable with it. Please stop. And I think, you know, if somebody, I agree. If somebody feels a little embarrassed or a little like, ooh, I shouldn't have done it, it's like, that's true and that's okay. You're not saying you're an awful person that you would ever do.

Mariel Segarra (10:27)

Right.

Adia Gooden (10:27)

You're not doing that. But you're communicating. Like actually what you did is problematic. Somebody else should feel a little taste of it so that they stop doing it.

Brittany Luce (10:38)

That's good.

Andy Tagle (10:40)

More questions from Dear Life Kit after this.

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Andy Tagle (11:58)

More@Applecard.Com Moving on to question number three. Dear Life Kit, I've been with my boyfriend for seven years and I'm starting to feel pressure from family members and friends to settle down and have a wedding. We're planning on getting married, but neither of us are financially stable right now. We want to wait until we are in a more secure place to make wedding plans. How can I let people know that we're not in a hurry to get married without being rude? Signed yeah, signed not in a hurry, but also could be signed by everybody on earth for sure. We all Have a version of this, I think. Single, partnered, married, not married. Everyone loves to tell you that you are behind in your life. You are doing it wrong. Brittany, thoughts?

Brittany Luce (12:43)

I lived this when you literally say, like, my husband and I, we got. He proposed after three years, which for some people is way too long. And then by the time we got married in 2022, we had been together about seven years. And everybody was asking, like, why are you getting married? And then as soon as we did that, I think you got everyone off your back. And then everyone's like, okay, well, where are your kids? And, you know, people, at the end of the day, I think there's like, two things happening. One thing is that people in your life probably see that you're very happy and are happy for your relationship and want to celebrate it, and you and would love to see you feel the happiness that perhaps they get or have gotten from those celebrations that they've had of their own. So it can be coming from, like, a very loving place. And then, yeah, there's also, like, another aspect of it, which is that people, I think, also sometimes feel a lot of anxiety if they feel like you are not hitting certain milestones in a timeline that's comfortable for them. And then they can take that anxiety and project it onto you. And, I mean, as you are bringing your lives together to get married. Thinking back to that first question we discussed, now is a great time for you all to discuss and strategize how you're going to deal with feedback and input from. From other people. And what I said to people maybe is probably not as great as what a DM might say, you should say to people. But I said to people, if you've got $30,000 for me that you want to break off, like, if you want.

Andy Tagle (14:13)

To deposit that much, if you got.

Brittany Luce (14:15)

Tens of thousands of dollars that you want to give me, go right ahead. The other thing that I would say that was mildly gentler is like, I don't have any updates to share right now, but when I do, you will be the first to know, which is what I say now when people ask me about having children. I say, oh, I don't have any updates right now, but when I do, you'll be the first to know.

Andy Tagle (14:37)

That's so funny. That's exactly what I tell my parents when they ask about the second when they ask about. So now my new benchmark is for a sibling. And I'm like, are you paying for daycare? Or when are you moving in? Yeah, there's never an end to benchmarks. This is all very good idea. What do you have for us?

Adia Gooden (14:53)

Yeah, I agree with what Brittany said. I think if people are coming from a loving place, just saying, like, you know, we're being really intentional and thoughtful about how we want to start our next generation chapter of our lives together. Weddings are expensive. We don't want to start our lives together in debt or going into debt. I think sort of touching on what Brittany mentioned about anxiety. Right. Sometimes, you know, it could be anxiety of, like, you know, if you don't marry him right away, he gonna leave. And so I think, again, sort of, like, it might be a time when you're like, either, like, you know, like, thanks for your opinion, but we're gonna do what's right for us, or like, letting it roll off and just being like, okay, like, I'm glad you. You know, that's not our situation. Like, we're not. I'm not worried he's gonna leave me. I'm not worried this or that the other's gonna happen. I think making a joke about it can be good too, because people are like, oh, oh, oh, okay.

Brittany Luce (15:43)

Right.

Adia Gooden (15:44)

They'll usually back off.

Andy Tagle (15:46)

I like that. My last question for you is, we all have those people in our lives that push harder. You know, there's a spectrum. So when that light touch doesn't work, what's level two?

Adia Gooden (15:56)

What Brittany was saying, it's like, you know, please stop asking us. It's. It's kind of frustrating and annoying when you keep asking us about our plans. We will be sure to let you know when we are going in that direction. But until then, I just ask that you respect our decision making.

Brittany Luce (16:14)

I agree. You just got to. You got to really push back.

Andy Tagle (16:16)

Or.

Brittany Luce (16:17)

I mean, I have never really had to do this, but, like, you could also. If it gets. If it gets to a certain point, you could just give them a complete, like, I already told you, I'm not discussing this. And then you just wait. Oh, my gosh. It unsettles people.

Adia Gooden (16:36)

Yeah. Because I think part of this. People want you to get into a negotiation with them. Like, you feeling like, oh, I have to give all my reasons. And you. Like, what Brittany said is like, I already told you. It's like, I'm not engaging in this discussion. Like, our decision is made.

Sponsor/Advertisement Voice (16:52)

Right.

Adia Gooden (16:53)

And because people want to be able to. I want to convince you, or why do you think, well, no, our decision is made.

Brittany Luce (16:59)

Yep.

Adia Gooden (16:59)

And then not engaging.

Andy Tagle (17:01)

Not negotiating your life plan.

Brittany Luce (17:03)

So funny. I feel like so much of the advice we've Given today is like, don't take other people's advice.

Andy Tagle (17:12)

Take our advice, but not others. Okay, our final question. Question number four. Dear Life Kit. I've grown close with a group of co workers lately. One friend in our group will be getting married later this year. Most of us have mixed feelings about our friend's upcoming marriage. She seems happy, but we disapprove of how her fiance treats her. We think she deserves better. We've observed him in group settings. He's disengaged, hard to talk to, and acts as if he's too good for the gathering. We consider that he might just be shy or awkward. But another co worker has noticed that our friend's fiance withholds affection and bosses her around. A few of us talked it over and agreed that if we were in her situation, we would want someone to tell us. Should we tell her? Signed Caring coworkers.

Adia Gooden (18:03)

I do not think it's true that they would want to know from a coworker if their co worker did not like their fiance.

Mariel Segarra (18:11)

Right.

Sponsor/Advertisement Voice (18:11)

Yeah.

Andy Tagle (18:12)

In what world?

Adia Gooden (18:13)

No, you would not.

Brittany Luce (18:15)

You would not.

Adia Gooden (18:15)

Right?

Andy Tagle (18:16)

And like, from one from all, you're going to pull them into a conference.

Brittany Luce (18:19)

Room and be like, she will cut you all off.

Adia Gooden (18:22)

We've all had enough relationships with people we probably shouldn't have been with and seen friends in relationships with people that weren't great. To know that it basically never works to be like, girl, he ain't for you.

Sponsor/Advertisement Voice (18:38)

Right.

Adia Gooden (18:38)

Like, when have we listened to that? When have we ever been like, oh, my friends were like, he ain't for me. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna.

Brittany Luce (18:46)

Break up with him.

Adia Gooden (18:47)

Right. Like, it just. That's not how it works. First of all, one on one, do not stage an intervention. Do not go as a group and tell this girl that you don't like her fiance. That is not gonna work. She's not gonna talk to you about the relationship anymore. And you will not see him anymore.

Brittany Luce (19:03)

Nope.

Andy Tagle (19:03)

You're not gonna be close co workers anymore.

Brittany Luce (19:05)

No. Yeah. I agree. As much as you could be 100. Right. And that's the thing that'll hurt is like, you could call it from jump.

Sponsor/Advertisement Voice (19:18)

Yeah.

Brittany Luce (19:19)

And you could be a hundred percent right in the end. 100. Right. But it is not something that is really always for you to point out as an outside party to the relationship, especially as a coworker. Now as a super close sibling or a real homegirl, like the bestie. Right. I generally think that you have maybe one time to say, hey, I just want to Check in with you. Like, this is a big change. Like, how are you feeling? Do you really feel 100% sure this is the right person for you? And then if they say yes, you just go, all right. And then you got to keep that mouth shut. Be a sounding board, Be a friend, Be supportive. And if you really care about this person as a friend, you don't want them to be in a situation where they're socially isolated with a partner who's really not nice to them. And, you know, maybe one point in the future, they will kind of see all these people around them that are like, okay, well, this person makes me feel really good about myself, and I have so much fun with this person. And this one, like, is always picking up the phone and wants to talk to me. And this person always wants to go to, like, you know, the farmer's market with me and try whatever new hobby I want to try. They'll start to kind of see, like, okay, well, if I feel great in all these other relationships where I'm really supported, maybe this person really isn't for me. It's a long game, and it's not necessarily for the week. But, you know, if you really care about someone, then you really just want to have their back and be there as a friend.

Andy Tagle (20:49)

Man, is that hard to do.

Brittany Luce (20:50)

It's. Oh, it's hard. It's hard.

Andy Tagle (20:54)

Before you go, we ask every guest of Dear Life Kit for their best piece of advice. We would love to hear yours.

Brittany Luce (21:01)

Block and delete. Block and delete. Block and delete. Situationship X Old hookup. If you want to move forward with your life, block and delete. If you want to play in the past and fantasize and get your heart broken or keep it broken and waste time and be upset, do what you want to do. But if you want to move forward, block and delete.

Adia Gooden (21:26)

Someone needed to hear that today. Well, mine's a little different, but it would be to learn to be a good friend to yourself.

Brittany Luce (21:36)

Right.

Adia Gooden (21:36)

Like, we deal with so much, and the last thing we need is to be judging and criticizing ourselves constantly. So the more you can learn to be kind and compassionate and a good friend to yourself, I think the easier life is.

Andy Tagle (21:52)

Adia, Brittany, thank you so much for your time. What a pleasure.

Sponsor/Advertisement Voice (21:56)

Thanks.

Andy Tagle (21:56)

This is fun.

Brittany Luce (21:57)

Thank you. This is so fun.

Mariel Segarra (22:01)

That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle talking to Adia Gooden and Brittany Luce, and that's our show. Before we go, I do have a favor to ask you. If you have a second, would you leave Life Kit A five star Review if Life Kit has ever helped you save a little money, make a healthier choice for yourself, or it's just made you feel a little more seen, a five star review is a great way to show your support. Thank you so much. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our Visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our Digital editor is Malika Garib. Megan Kane is our Senior Supervising Editor and Beth Donovan is our Executive Producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from Robert Rodriguez. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

Sponsor/Advertisement Voice (22:49)

Foreign.

Sponsor/Advertisement Voice (22:54)

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