Dear Life Kit: My family stresses me out around the holidays

Summary

Life Kit Podcast Summary: “Dear Life Kit: My Family Stresses Me Out Around the Holidays”

Podcast Information:

• Title: Life Kit
• Host: Marielle Seguera
• Producer: NPR
• Episode Title: Dear Life Kit: My Family Stresses Me Out Around the Holidays
• Release Date: December 10, 2024

Overview: In this episode of NPR’s Life Kit, host Marielle Seguera tackles the common yet complex stressors that the holiday season can bring to family dynamics. With the expert guidance of licensed psychotherapist Daniel Olivarria, the discussion delves into navigating familial tensions, balancing romantic relationships with family expectations, and addressing feelings of exclusion within extended family circles. Through real-life questions from listeners, the episode offers practical advice on maintaining harmony and personal well-being during the festive period.

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Navigating Family Gatherings with a Partner

Listener’s Dilemma: A listener, identified as BAE, shares her frustration over her mother’s sudden decision to exclude her partner from a surprise family trip celebrating her sister’s college graduation. BAE has been with her partner for over a decade, and her partner is integral to the family, having supported her sister’s education.

Discussion: Daniel Olivarria emphasizes understanding the underlying motivations behind the mother’s decision. At [04:38], he advises,

“Is there room here to be collaborative? Some things that I would want to understand is is there clarity within the family of the role that this person plays in the reader's life.”

Olivarria suggests having an open conversation with the mother to uncover whether the exclusion stems from financial constraints or a desire to preserve past family traditions. He states at [06:15]:

“If it's about mom really sort of yearning for yesteryear this time, where it was just her and her kids, you can empathize with that and talk about planning something that is just mom and her kids, you know, which feels fair.”

Key Insights:

• Approach the conversation with empathy and a collaborative mindset.
• Clarify the family’s evolving dynamics and how the partner fits into new family traditions.
• Explore practical solutions, such as financial contributions or separate gatherings, to accommodate both family and romantic relationships.

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Feeling Excluded in Family Newsletters

Listener’s Dilemma: A listener named Ghosted by Grandpa expresses hurt over being consistently omitted from her father-in-law’s annual newsletters, despite her significant achievements and contributions to the family.

Discussion: Olivarria acknowledges the deep emotional impact of feeling excluded. At [09:32], he advises:

“In an ideal world, we would talk about this after year one. You know, we would catch this early and we would presume noble intention.”

He recommends addressing the issue directly yet gently with the grandfather, possibly suggesting that the mother share her daughter’s achievements proactively.

“Sometimes we kind of get stuck in a period of time in our families where we have like, that cousin who will perpetually in our minds be eight years old. And then they're like, graduating from high school. Right.”

Key Insights:

• Initiate a private and open conversation to express feelings without placing blame.
• Encourage proactive communication from other family members to include and acknowledge the listener’s achievements.
• Reinforce self-worth and seek validation from multiple sources beyond the excluded family member.

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Managing Intrusive In-Laws at Family Events

Listener’s Dilemma: A listener, Krabby in the Kitchen, recounts her discomfort with her mother-in-law’s increasing involvement in family gatherings. Despite valuing the relationship, the in-law’s dominant personality overshadows intimate family moments, making gatherings less enjoyable.

Discussion: Olivarria discusses the importance of balancing personal boundaries with family harmony. At [13:41], he notes:

“Sometimes we kind of get stuck in a period of time in our families where we have like, that cousin who will perpetually in our minds be eight years old.”

He advises setting clear boundaries and communicating needs directly with the mother-in-law.

“If you actually want the father in law at the next gathering because you miss them, then say that. Talk to them about it. Let them know that it means something to you.”

Key Insights:

• Determine the importance of the in-law’s presence and communicate your feelings respectfully.
• Collaborate with your spouse and other family members to establish and maintain boundaries.
• Focus on the underlying reasons for discomfort to address the core issues rather than superficial conflicts.

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Dealing with a New Family Dynamic After Loss

Listener’s Dilemma: An individual signed off as Put Offspring shares the struggle of adjusting to her mother’s new relationship after her father’s passing. The new partner’s presence during family gatherings intensifies feelings of grief and disrupts previously intimate traditions.

Discussion: Olivarria validates the listener’s need for personal space while acknowledging the mother’s pursuit of happiness. At [17:46], he affirms:

“Yes, I absolutely think you can bring it up.”

He suggests a compassionate conversation that balances empathy for the mother’s new relationship with the listener’s ongoing grief.

“We also find ourselves really grieving still. The absence of our father, sometimes that can be made a little bit more present when your partner's around.”

Olivarria also highlights the importance of maintaining traditions that honor the deceased while allowing space for new relationships.

“Traditions and rituals are an important part of our human experience and something that we sometimes overlook.”

Key Insights:

• Acknowledge and validate your own grief while respecting your mother’s need for companionship.
• Initiate a heartfelt conversation to express your feelings and seek mutual understanding.
• Incorporate new traditions that honor past relationships while embracing new family dynamics.

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Final Thoughts and Advice

As the episode concludes, Olivarria imparts his best piece of advice: “Embrace possibilities” ([21:16]). He encourages listeners to remain open to positive outcomes despite the uncertainty and challenges that family gatherings may present. Embracing new opportunities and remaining adaptable can lead to unexpected joys and strengthened relationships.

Closing Remarks: Marielle Seguera wraps up the episode by highlighting other relevant Life Kit episodes, such as caring for a grieving friend and preventing hangovers, providing listeners with additional resources for managing various life challenges.

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Conclusion: This Life Kit episode offers invaluable insights into managing familial stress during the holidays. Through empathetic discussions and practical advice, listeners are empowered to navigate complex family dynamics, uphold personal boundaries, and foster meaningful relationships. Daniel Olivarria’s expert guidance serves as a supportive tool for anyone seeking to maintain harmony and personal well-being amidst the festive season’s emotional landscape.

Transcript

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[Marielle Seguera]

You're listening to Life Kit from npr. Hey everybody, it's Marielle. I think we can all agree the holiday season is an intense time.

[Daniel Olivarria]

I think that for a lot of people it is extraordinarily joyous and wonderful and magical. For other people it can be painful. And I think for vast majority of people it's all of the above.

[Marielle Seguera]

That's Daniel Olivarria. He's a licensed psychotherapist and he says if you are going into your family gatherings this year with some apprehension, that's understandable. But maybe you could also see this moment as an opportunity to say, hey.

[Daniel Olivarria]

There'S this like undercurrent of tension or frustration or resentment that I've been carrying for a really long time. This can be a chance to work through that, especially if we walk into that conversation intentionally.

[Marielle Seguera]

You don't necessarily want to have this convo over Christmas dinner, but the feelings you're having could be a catalyst in any case. On this edition of Dear Life Kit, Daniel talks with reporter Andy Tagal about how to navigate the task tensions that come up when families gather. And really, his advice is helpful for any time of the year. Because let's be honest, that fight with your sister, it didn't start last week.

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[Laurel Wamsley]

Hi, I'm Laurel Wamsley, and I cover personal finance for npr. That means I report on some of the questions that might keep you or your loved ones up at night, like, will I ever be able to buy a home? What about retirement? As interest rates drop, where should I put my money? Economic headlines can be confusing, but NPR is here to help you make sense of them. To support this coverage, please give [e-mail] okay, Daniel, here is question number one. Dear Life Kid, My younger sister is graduating college in December, and my mom is planning a surprise family trip to celebrate after the graduation. My mom originally invited me and my partner, but now she's hoping that only I will come. I've been with my partner for over 10 years. My partner and sister are good friends, and my partner has even helped fund some of my sister's education. I want to tell my mother I won't be coming if my partner is uninvited. On the other hand, I don't want to take heat for ruining the family trip. Plus, I do want to be able to celebrate my sister's graduation with her. How should I handle this? Signed BAE got bumped. Okay, Daniel, big yikes. Is my first is my first reaction. Who is in charge here? Like, who ultimately gets to make this call? Is it mom or is it our letter writer?

[Daniel Olivarria]

Yeah, you know, the first thought that I have actually speaks to the question that you're asking, which is that do we view this relationship as immediately adversarial and a power struggle, or is there room here to be collaborative? Some things that I would want to understand is is there clarity within the family of the role that this person plays in the reader's life? So the one conversation I think the reader might want to have with their mother is about overall larger expectations for family gatherings, family trips as it relates to the partner. When we go on a family trip, this is my family. Right. I know that it can be tough to imagine that, like, your kids are grown and that, like, our family is expanding, but that's what's happening. The other conversation, though, that I would be having is more specific to this actual event. I would sit down with your mother and I would say, I want to understand Originally, you invited my partner, and then you mentioned that you had hoped that I would come by myself. Tell me a little bit about that. The reason we're asking this question is because I can immediately imagine a couple of scenarios here. One is, perhaps it's a financial issue. The mother is intending to pay for it and did not think about the financial burden that would involve including the partner, is maybe even feeling a little bit embarrassed about that and is saying, hey, why don't we just, like, sort of streamline it here? Or maybe it's the mother saying, hey, man, I really didn't realize the last time we did a trip of just me with my kids that it was just going to be me and my kids. And I want to have some of that time before we go into this next era of this larger, expanded family unit. The more that you understand about her motivation and asking that and making that request, the more that we can design solutions that meet that need. So if it's a financial issue, maybe it's a conversation that you have with your partner about contributing financially to the cost of the trip, or if it is about mom really sort of yearning for yesteryear this time, where it was just her and her kids, you can empathize with that and talk about planning something that is just mom and her kids, you know, which feels fair.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Yeah. Okay. So everyone needs to get clear on the relationship lines. Not everyone has a vacation like this, but I think it's a really common experience to feel stuck between a romantic partner and your family. And it's not always easy or possible to make everyone happy. Advice for us on how. On how to manage between those two poles.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Yeah. I think that especially in emerging adulthood, it's important to remember that things will not always stay the same. Things are going to change and evolve. And so if you've spent this whole lifetime with a certain family culture and a sense of. When I talk about my family, this is who I'm talking about. When you are creating and engaging in a romantic relationship, that becomes meaningful and a source of stability for you in your life, whether that involves marriage or not. I think it's important for people to have clarity around what that means for them. I talk about relationships as being. You are creating an organization that has never previously existed, and you have to create your bylaws.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Oh, I love that.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Right. And so that is hard, you know, like, that's hard work, and it's, like, super critical so that people don't find themselves in situations that are deeply uncomfortable and hurtful decades into A relationship.

[Laurel Wamsley]

The fun of being a grownup is you get to make your own rules. The hard work of being a grownup, if you get to make your own.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Rules, that's exactly it.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Question number two. Dear Life Kid, Every holiday season, my father in law sends an annual newsletter to friends and family with updates on all his grandchildren. This is the fourth year in a row that he has neglected to include my younger daughter in this newsletter. He mentions the accomplishments of every other grandchild. My daughter feels hurt by the repeated omission, even though we all believe it is somehow unintentional. It pains us to read accolades about other cousins while she is teaching in a graduate program and receives zero recognition. My father in law is having a birthday celebration soon and my daughter wants to bring it up but doesn't know how. She also wonders if anyone will even remember who she is at the party since she's been left out of the family news for years. Signed, Ghosted by Grandpa. Okay, so this one stings in such a strange but specifically severe way for me. Daniel, what are your initial thoughts?

[Daniel Olivarria]

Yeah, I could understand why Ghosted is feeling so hurt by this and confused. No matter how old we are, we really crave and wish for a sense of protection and affirmation from the people in our families. Our parents, our grandparents, aunts, uncles, you know, and so it can be really especially confusing and hurtful when we feel like we're not getting that. You know, in an ideal world, we would talk about this after year one. You know, we would catch this early and we would presume noble intention. We would say, hey, I just noticed that I was sort of missing on here and I just wanted to check in about that, you know, why that was. And we might even give them a little bit of an out. You know, I wonder if maybe like we haven't gotten a chance to talk so much about what's going on in my life and you know, maybe there's opportunity here for us to connect more because I have some exciting things that I would love to share with you and I'm sure you have, like a lot of fun things that I would love to hear about too. In your life, right?

[Laurel Wamsley]

Be super casual. Guess I haven't taken you out to lunch this year, grandpa, or something like that.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Yeah, that's exactly it. Yeah. If we want to have a conversation with father in law slash grandpa, I certainly wouldn't wait until the birthday celebration. I would encourage having that conversation, I think, in private and giving a chance ahead of time to talk about it in a place where there aren't so many competing needs and competition for attention. So having it ahead of time feels really important. And the other thing is feeling like, will people even know me at this upcoming party? Because I've, like, not been in including this newsletter. So something that I would maybe offer for you to consider is having the parent who wrote the letter in send out an email to the family ahead of the gathering. Just bragging, my daughter has done this, like, amazing thing, and I just wanted to share it with everybody, you know, super excited for her and, you know, sort of congratulations here.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Welcomed, you know, without her having to toot her own horn.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Exactly. Sometimes we kind of get stuck in a period of time in our families where we, we have like, that cousin who will perpetually in our minds be eight years old. And then they're like, graduating from high school.

[Laurel Wamsley]

And you're like, I am the cousin. I am the one that is eight years old. Yes.

[Daniel Olivarria]

You know, like, when did this happen? Right. And so I wonder if there's a possibility that for grandpa, they sort of have never updated the internal software to be like this. My granddaughter's like a grownup doing grown up things in the world. Right. There's always the possibility that there was an intentional choice being made here. If it is, I think it's important for people to remember that our success and who we are is not determined by the validation that we receive from other people and certainly not from the people who are not involved in our day to day lives. And that there's plenty other sources for you, both internal and within your closed circle of people, to receive that validation in the world that you live in day to day.

[Laurel Wamsley]

So, so true. All right, let's move on to question three. Dear Life Kit, I recently cooked a big birthday dinner for my son. Despite our best efforts to make him comfortable, my father in law didn't attend. He's a creature of habit, and he enjoys his recliner. After dinner, my mother in law packed up almost all the leftovers to take home to him. Without even asking, would withholding leftovers encourage him to come next time? Signed Krabby in the kitchen. Okay, so big picture first. What's the best approach for dealing with family members that are all take and no give? I feel like we all know somebody.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Yeah. So I think this really speaks to, like, know when to fight the battle and when to cut your losses.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Ooh, okay.

[Daniel Olivarria]

You know, is that plate of food worth the battle? And almost always when it does rise to this level of feeling like you have to do something, it's actually about something else. It's not really about that plate. Right. And so you understanding what that thing is so that you can figure out for yourself what a solution in this actually even looks like.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Absolutely. Yeah. So, I mean, we don't have a lot of information here, but it's sounding like father in law is holding back for some reason and Krabby is feeling protective about food for some reason.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Yeah. There's two sort of questions they're asking. Right. Is like, how do we get him to the next gathering? And how do I protect feeling taken advantage of? And so if you actually want the father in law at the next gathering because you miss them, then say that. Talk to them about it. Let them know that it means something to you. I'm not really getting the sense that the sort of yearning for father in law is a part of the element here. I think it strikes me more as feeling that there's a sense of duty in family to be present with one another for some of these things and feeling maybe a little bit of an affront that this person is opting out of that. That's certainly a valid feeling. What I would maybe ask them to consider is how important does it feel to them that the person is there at the gatherings. Maybe it would be preferable, but not sort of essential. And if that's the case, maybe what you can do is work with their spouse, the mother in law. Work with mother in law to piece together before everyone eats a leftover plate for father in law. So that there are some boundaries asserted around. This is how much you take, you know, and then sort of call it a day.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Yeah. Negotiate beforehand. And you're getting to the exact question that I had, which is, what can we ask of our family members? You know, we all have different expectations of family gatherings, different needs, but if we're taking time and effort to come together, should everyone be required to try to connect?

[Daniel Olivarria]

Well, we can ask whatever we want to ask. But also recognizing that people are allowed to make choices and that if we are feeling like, well, I always extend myself and they don't, that that might be a moment of self reflection for you around. What is the reason you extend yourself? Do you extend yourself because of the expectation for reciprocity, or do you extend yourself because that's what you wish to do, that brings you joy.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Oof, that one hits a little too deep. Okay, Daniel, are you ready for your last question? Yes, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, my dad passed away two and a half years ago, devastating our whole Family. A year ago, my mom started a new relationship with a widower. Lately, he's become increasingly involved in our family in a way that feels invasive. First he started attending holidays and family celebrations. Then he started joining our weekly family dinners and intimate birthday dinners that have traditionally been just us. Our mom never asks if she can bring her partner. It's not that we don't like him, but his large personality dominates the conversations, and it's just less enjoyable when he's there. Our mom isn't picking up on our discomfort. We just want to have time together without his presence highlighting our dad's absence. Can we bring this up without hurting our mom's feelings? Signed off. Put offspring. Daniel, first thing for me, Is it okay to just want your mom to yourself after a big loss like this?

[Daniel Olivarria]

Totally. And I'm so sorry about their loss and to sort of get to the meat of what they're saying. Yes, I absolutely think you can bring it up. And I think there's a real opportunity for, like, understanding and empathy here that will ultimately set the family up for success in the long term. And what we hope are many, many years to come of being able to enjoy each other's company and share memories, including those that involve their dad. And I think it's natural to feel a sense of anxiety and maybe even dread about these sort of markers that indicate that we are in a new era, right?

[Laurel Wamsley]

Absolutely.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Because it feels like you're leaving something behind. And it feels perhaps even like your joy that you're experiencing in this new sort of cobbled together, pseudo family unit might even feel like a betrayal to your father. So what I would say is I think it's a really good idea to have this conversation with your mom that says, we're really happy that you are getting a chance to feel a sense of companionship and a sense of joy in this new relationship. We also find ourselves really grieving still. The absence of our father, sometimes that can be made a little bit more present when your partner's around. I would really value some time where we can be with just you.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Yeah, absolutely. And something that you touched on, Daniel, is one of the reasons family gatherings around the holiday season or at any time can be so difficult for a lot of people is because it can intensify those feelings of grief and loss, make the absence of loved ones feel sharper. Do you have any last advanced advice for us on how to hold those feelings and still leave space for new experiences, new people, for joy?

[Daniel Olivarria]

Yes. I think that traditions and rituals are an important part of our human experience and something that we sometimes overlook. And so I think when we're missing people and when we are grieving, it's important to have a sense of community, talking with, exchanging memories with people who also loved those people. And so maybe it involves playing a game that that person loved to play, and you all do that every year together. Or maybe it's about going through old family videos or family photos and introducing those people to your children. You spoke to this earlier, but we get to decide what our family sort of culture is, especially as we grow in our own families. And so thinking a little bit about what you want that to be and how you want to incorporate the very living memory of these people who have passed on because their legacies continue. And you get to keep that around not only for yourself, but for the other people in your family, including your own children.

[Laurel Wamsley]

The hard part about being a grown up, you have to make the rules. The great part about being a grownup, you get to make the rules.

[Daniel Olivarria]

That's exactly it.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Before I let you go, we ask every guest of the show for their very best piece of advice. I would love to hear yours.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Embrace possibilities. I think uncertainty is really scary, but the other side of that is that we often can't even imagine how good things can be. And along with your preparation for guarding against the worst, that you open yourself up to the absolute best.

[Laurel Wamsley]

Thank you so much for your time.

[Daniel Olivarria]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Marielle Seguera]

That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle speaking with psychotherapist Daniel Olivaria. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on caring for a grieving friend and another on preventing hangovers. You can find [e-mail] LifeKit and if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our [e-mail] LifeKitnewsletter Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email [e-mail] this episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from David Greenberg. I'm Marielle Seguera. Thanks for listening.

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