Life Kit Episode Summary

Episode Title: Frustrated by a relationship? Questions to ask yourself to move forward
Host: Marielle Segarra
Guest: Casey Davis, Licensed Professional Therapist, Author of Who Deserves Your Love?
Date: October 21, 2025

Overview

In this episode of NPR’s Life Kit, host Marielle Segarra and guest Casey Davis delve into one of life’s messiest topics: strained relationships. Rather than defaulting to the all-or-nothing approach of cutting people off or suffering silently, the episode presents a series of introspective questions to guide listeners through the gray areas of relational conflict. The purpose: help you thoughtfully assess whether—and how—to move forward in complicated relationships, whether with partners, family, friends, or others.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why is this person's behavior objectionable to you?

[03:37–04:59]

• Casey Davis emphasizes starting here because discomfort in relationships can have many roots, ranging from direct harm to subtle internalized beliefs.
• Sometimes behaviors bother us for personal, cultural, or familial reasons rather than concrete harm.
• Quote:
  • “Sometimes something bothers you because it is impacting you negatively... An example of that might be my roommate does not keep up her end of the cleaning and the dishes. Like that actually directly impacts me negatively.” – Casey Davis [03:49]

2. Is the person willing and/or able to change?

[04:59–07:22]

• If the behavior is harmful, the next question is whether the other person is open to changing or mitigating the hurt.
• Willingness doesn’t always mean fully conforming to your request—some solutions require negotiation based on each person’s capacities.
• There’s a distinction between lack of willingness (e.g., dismissiveness) and lack of ability due to factors like mental illness or disability.
• Quote:
  • “There’s a really big difference between someone that goes, ‘Well, I can’t do that—I have ADHD,’ and someone that goes, ‘Okay, I care that this impacts you... I don’t think that I’m gonna get better at it overnight, but I am willing to do something to help with this’.” – Casey Davis [05:36]

3. Does staying violate your values?

[08:26–10:19]

• Physical and psychological safety—for yourself and for children—are underscored as crucial, quasi-universal values.
• Additional values arise depending on your life experience, such as care for sobriety or supporting dependent family members.
• If staying violates core values, consider giving yourself permission to disengage.
• Quote:
  • “So what that means is...would staying in this relationship violate my values? So I’m looking at that list and I’m saying, if I stay in this relationship, will I be physically safe? Will I be psychologically safe? Are my children safe physically and psychologically?... then it is against my values to continue in this relationship.” – Casey Davis [09:29]

4. Do you want to stay?

[10:19–11:10]

• If your values are not violated, you’re invited to ask plainly whether you want to continue the relationship, acknowledging both intuition and concrete benefits.

5. Would leaving violate your values, responsibilities, or sense of self?

[11:10–13:40]

• Here, Casey discusses moral obligations and the nuance between various types of relationships (e.g., third date vs. long-term partner).
• Duration and reciprocal interdependence matter: Deep, interdependent ties may entail more responsibility and commitment, but not always.
• Don’t fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy; consider the quality and symmetry of the relationship.
• Quote:
  • “The truth is like, I have obligations and responsibilities to my husband or to my sister that I do not have to someone that I’m on a third date with. And that’s when we’re going to look at things like... history... interdependence of this relationship...” – Casey Davis [11:57]

6. Two Main Options: Disengage or Stay with Boundaries

[15:21–20:09]

Option 1: Disengage

• Disengagement isn’t always dramatic or permanent; it can mean a range of distancing strategies such as trial separation, new household arrangements, spending less time together, or quietly investing less in a friendship.
• Quote:
  • “Think about all of the ways that you could disengage. Like, you could have a trial separation... Or maybe disengaging looks like you don’t do holidays together anymore...” – Casey Davis [15:39]

Option 2: Stay, but with boundaries

• Internal boundaries: Changing your own expectations, looking after your wellbeing, and not managing the other person’s emotional reactions.
• New support structures and self-care can be vital (e.g., seeking help after tough family visits, not expecting a partner to be fully supportive).
• Quote:
  • “A lot of boundaries are internal... I can no longer, like, work to change his opinion of whether or not I deserve more time to myself. So that would be an example of like, I’m staying... but there’s these boundaries around, I’m gonna do what’s right for me... and I’m not gonna be managing your emotions about them anymore.” – Casey Davis [17:17]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “When you ask yourself the right questions, you can start to parse out what bothers you about their behavior, whether change is possible, and what some solutions might look like. You also get to decide, am I going to stay or go? And what would both of those choices mean?” – Marielle Segarra [01:54]
• “Relationships are messy, and they're so messy that, like, you really deserve to think through these things without all of the moralizing. You know, you're weak if you stay or you've abandoned them if you go... You deserve to explore all of these questions without that moralizing and that shame.” – Casey Davis [20:09]

Important Segment Timestamps

• 03:37 – First question: Why is this behavior objectionable?
• 04:59 – Is this person willing/able to change?
• 08:26 – Does staying violate my values?
• 11:10 – Do I want to stay? Does leaving violate my values?
• 15:21 – How to disengage or set boundaries
• 20:09 – Navigating relationship messiness without shame

Recap: The Key Questions to Guide Your Next Steps

[20:38]

1. Why is this behavior objectionable to me?
2. Is this person willing to work toward collaborative solutions?
3. Does this person have the capacity to learn the skills to make changes?
4. Does staying in this relationship violate my values?
5. Do I want to stay in this relationship?
6. Does leaving this relationship violate my values?

Final Thoughts

This episode is a compassionate, logical toolkit for anyone feeling hurt or uncertain about a relationship. Its careful, non-moralizing approach helps clarify next steps, whatever path you ultimately choose.

If you or someone you know may be experiencing abuse or intimate partner violence, the National Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).