How a buddy system can help you reach your goals

Summary

Life Kit: How a Buddy System Can Help You Reach Your Goals

Episode Release Date: January 7, 2025
Host: Marielle Segarra
Title: How a Buddy System Can Help You Reach Your Goals

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In the latest episode of Life Kit from NPR, host Marielle Segarra delves into the transformative power of the buddy system in achieving personal goals. Drawing from real-life experiences and expert insights, the episode explores how accountability partners can keep individuals motivated, accountable, and supported throughout their goal-setting journeys.

The Power of Accountability Buddies

Marielle Segarra opens the discussion by illustrating a common scenario: the setting of ambitious New Year's resolutions that often fade by mid-January. To combat this trend, she introduces the concept of accountability buddies through the story of Francisco Ramirez from New York.

Francisco Ramirez shares his initial approach to staying motivated using inanimate objects:

[00:50] Francisco Ramirez: "This is Memo. Memo the rabbit."

Marielle Segarra explains, "Francisco intuitively knew he needed something more tangible than a stuffed animal or a paper squirrel to keep him motivated." This realization led Francisco to seek human accountability partners, recognizing that while objects can provide temporary support, real human connections offer sustained motivation.

Diverse Forms of Accountability Partnerships

The episode highlights various forms accountability partnerships can take, emphasizing their flexibility and adaptability to individual needs. Leah Shaffer, a novelist from Houston, discusses her experience with an accountability partner named Jamie.

Leah Shaffer recounts:

[04:21] "The year before Leah met her accountability buddy Jamie, she'd written maybe one draft of this book, but this year I've rewritten this three times."

Leah emphasizes the significance of regular check-ins, stating:

[04:34] "I definitely don't think I would have gotten the work done this last year if I hadn't had Jamie as my buddy and met every week."

Mechanics of the Buddy System

Francisco delves into his use of FocusMate, an online platform that pairs users with strangers for virtual accountability sessions:

[05:12] Francisco Ramirez: "I've done more than 6,000 of these sessions. Yeah, I'm really into it and I've used it to stay on task with lots of things."

These sessions involve setting goals at the beginning, working quietly side by side, and then checking in at the end. The diversity of tasks performed during these sessions—ranging from writing and studying languages to practicing musical instruments—highlights the system's versatility.

Psychological Insights Behind Accountability

Ayelet Fishback, a professor of behavioral science and marketing at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, provides academic insight into why accountability buddies are effective:

[06:13] Ayelet Fishback: "We know that people are social animals. We know that people work in groups. People have been working in groups from the beginning of times."

She explains that the presence of others makes our actions feel more meaningful, even if the accountability partner is a stranger:

[06:33] Ayelet Fishback: "We had people in China playing badminton as part of some event, and when there were more people in the audience, they felt that they either contributed more to the win or contributed more to the loss. But what they did matter."

Cynthia Pong, founder and CEO of Embrace Change, adds that our upbringing in structured environments like schools conditions us to perform better when we report our progress to someone else:

[07:13] Cynthia Pong: "Most of us grew up through some sort of school system where there's a lot of structure and you have to do things on a certain timeline within this container, turn things in."

Selecting the Right Accountability Buddy

Choosing a reliable and supportive accountability partner is crucial. Francisco Ramirez advises:

[08:09] "I find the accountability buddies that might be the most helpful are the ones who are going to be show up."

Similarly, Cynthia Pong emphasizes the importance of discipline and honesty in a buddy system:

[08:36] Cynthia Pong: "I would look more for character traits of people who have a certain level of discipline around these things and also are not afraid to be like, hey, Marielle, we said we would do this."

Daniel Wood, a graphics reporter at NPR, shares his personal experience with a fitness-focused accountability group:

[09:08] Daniel Wood: "We get a text every night, the night before, 5:45 am. It's all it says. It's 5:45 am and there's sort of an expectation that if you're not gonna be there, then the person's gonna bug you the next time you see them."

Building and Maintaining Accountability Relationships

Effective accountability partnerships require clear goal-setting and regular tracking of progress. Leah Shaffer discusses how she and her buddy refined their approach to focus solely on writing:

[12:36] Leah Shaffer: "We decided to make our sessions just about writing. We meet every Friday morning."

Breaking down larger goals into manageable tasks helps maintain momentum, as explained by Ayelet Fishback:

[13:14] Ayelet Fishback: "When you're thinking about goals, it helps to break them down into smaller pieces. What am I going to do this week? This month?"

Francisco highlights the importance of adaptability in the system:

[14:35] Francisco Ramirez: "Originally, it was very much like a. Did you go for that walk today? Oh, I see the check mark. Yes, you did. Nice work."

Overcoming Challenges and Adapting the System

No accountability system is flawless. The episode discusses strategies for troubleshooting when the buddy system isn't working:

[15:20] Francisco Ramirez: "At the end of a session, I felt like I didn't get a lot done, which happens all the time because, hello, we're human. And my focus Mate partner looked at me in the camera and said, 'You showed up, and that's what matters.'"

Leah Shaffer adds that falling short is less daunting with a partner:

[15:35] "If you aren't meeting all of your goals, cut yourself some slack."

Cynthia Pong suggests simple adjustments like changing meeting times or communication methods before abandoning the arrangement:

[16:11] Cynthia Pong: "You can try any sort of thing like that to sort of adjust, and you don't need to throw the whole thing out."

The Social Benefits of Accountability Partnerships

Beyond goal achievement, accountability partnerships foster genuine friendships and a sense of community. Francisco Ramirez reflects on the personal connections he's made:

[16:51] Francisco Ramirez: "It's just so special to be able to connect with people in every corner of the globe and support each other."

Daniel Wood shares how his accountability group became a supportive family during tough times:

[17:46] Daniel Wood: "These are just like my family in this city... the community the group had already built made it possible for them to step up for their friend."

Key Takeaways

1. Accountability buddies can be a powerful and effective way to reach for what you want in life.
2. Look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed, and who can encourage you in a way that fits both of your personalities.
3. Get clear about your goals. It can be helpful to be specific and to break them down into small chunks and also track your progress.
4. If you feel like you're getting way off track or your accountability arrangement is not working for you, try something else. Try a different structure. See if there's something worth holding onto here or if you might find a better fit with somebody else.

Conclusion

The episode underscores that while the buddy system isn't a one-size-fits-all solution, it offers a versatile framework for individuals seeking accountability and support in their personal endeavors. Whether through structured platforms like FocusMate or organic connections formed through shared interests, accountability partners can play a pivotal role in turning aspirations into accomplishments.

For more insights and episodes on personal development, visit NPR's Life Kit.

Transcript

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[Marielle Segarra]

You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, everybody, it's Marielle. It's a classic story. We set these big resolutions on New Year's Eve and then drop them by mid January. And this happens throughout the year, too. We have goals, but life and our routines and habits get in the way. One thing that can help is the buddy system. Francisco Ramirez, who lives in New York, kind of intuitively knew he needed this. He has this stuffed animal rabbit that he keeps on his desk.

[Francisco Ramirez]

This is Memo. Memo the rabbit.

[Marielle Segarra]

Actually, he calls it Memo the high five rabbit. Because for a while, every time he finished a task, I would give Memo.

[Francisco Ramirez]

A high five and we'd celebrate. I had other versions of this with a paper squirrel. I did all sorts of fun, sort of motivating tools.

[Marielle Segarra]

But an inanimate object could only provide so much support.

[Francisco Ramirez]

So I remember specifically searching high and low for something that would connect me to somebody who wasn't a stuffed animal or a paper squirrel.

[Marielle Segarra]

Francisco started searching for real life human accountability buddies. An accountability buddy is someone who you partner with to work on goals together. This can look a lot of different ways. You can know the person before or not. You can be working towards the same goals or different ones. But what we've heard over and over again is the buddy system works for people, keeps them accountable and motivated. People like Leah Shaffer, who lives outside of Houston.

[Leah Shaffer]

I would sit there in our Zoom meetings and think I should quote, unquote, should be able to do this alone. But there is some kind of, like, there's some magic in it. Like it's. I highly recommend it.

[Marielle Segarra]

On this episode of Life Kit, Accountability buddies or partners, what they are, how you can find one, what to look for in this kind of relationship, and how to set yourselves up for success. Whether you're making New Year's resolutions or setting goals, any time of the year, you don't have to go it alone.

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[Marielle Segarra]

Wait, wait, don't tell me. Fresh Air up first, NPR News. Now Planet Money TED Radio Hour throughline the NPR Politics podcast Code Switch Embedded books we love Wildcard are just some of the podcasts you can enjoy. Sponsor free with NPR. Get all sorts of perks across more than 20 podcasts with the bundle option. Learn more at plus.NPR.org Leah Shaffer is writing a novel about vampires and she.

[Leah Shaffer]

Goes to his Hill country home and they sort of trade blood for a safe place for a little while.

[Marielle Segarra]

The year before Leah met her accountability buddy Jamie, she'd written maybe one draft of this book, but this year I've.

[Leah Shaffer]

Rewritten this three times. I think maybe maybe three and a half. And I wrote two more books, terrible books, but each better than the last. I definitely don't think I would have gotten the work done this last year if I hadn't had Jamie as my buddy and met every week.

[Marielle Segarra]

We heard from Francisco Ramirez earlier. He's the one with the stuffed Rabbit. He uses FocusMate, a website that matches you with a stranger and you get on a video call, tell each other your goals, then mute yourselves for your 25, 50 or 75 minute session and check in at the end. He's done more than 6,000 of these sessions. Yeah, he's really into it and he's used it to stay on task with.

[Francisco Ramirez]

Lots of things, anything from knocking out contracts, blazing through invoices, writing my book, studying French, writing thank you notes, whatever it may be.

[Marielle Segarra]

Francisco has seen his Focus Mate buddies do all sorts of things too, practice their juggling work on jigsaw puzzles.

[Francisco Ramirez]

A lot of practicing of pianos, a lot of tubas. Everyone's trying to play guitar. Somebody plays the harp. Who's lovely. I met her in person. She's fantastic.

[Marielle Segarra]

I want you to think about your goals. Maybe you want to get a new job or start that business or learn how to paint. Maybe you want to cook more or do those exercises your physical therapist gave you. If you've struggled to make the time and space on your own, you might benefit from an accountability partner takeaway 1 accountability buddies can be powerful and effective in helping you reach all sorts of goals. Ayelet Fishback is a professor of behavioral science and marketing at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, and she says, we need each other.

[Ayelet Fishback]

We know that people are social animals. We know that people work in groups. People have been working in groups from the beginning of times. We do things with others, and when others are not around, they are in our mind.

[Marielle Segarra]

One related finding from Ayelet's research is that in the presence of other people, our actions feel more meaningful to us. And that's true even if they're strangers.

[Ayelet Fishback]

We had people in China playing badminton as part of some event, and when there were more people in the audience, they felt that they either contributed more to the win or contributed more to the loss. But what they did matter.

[Marielle Segarra]

So this might be one reason accountability buddies work for people. Another is that we've been conditioned to do well in this setup where we have to report our progress to somebody else. Cynthia Pong is the founder and CEO of the career coaching firm Embrace Change.

[Cynthia Pong]

Most of us grew up through some sort of school system where there's a lot of structure and you have to do things on a certain timeline within this container, turn things in. Someone else is grading like there's that entire dynamic, and so it becomes really ingrained.

[Marielle Segarra]

Cynthia says accountability Buddies can also help because they create defaults in our lives.

[Cynthia Pong]

We've got a thousand reasons why we shouldn't do the thing, but if it's like a standing situation and you just get into that routine, it will just become reflexive. You know, you don't make room for that risk that you're going to fall off the wagon.

[Marielle Segarra]

By the way, the social pressure that comes with having an accountability buddy might work especially well on you if you're the kind of person who likes to please others. So you want to try it out. Takeaway 2 Look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed, and who can encourage you in a way that fits Both of your personalities.

[Francisco Ramirez]

I find the accountability buddies that might be the most helpful are the ones who are going to be show up.

[Marielle Segarra]

You know, that friend who's a lot of fun, but who cancels plans half the time or who says they're coming to the party and then they don't come, or they say they're not coming and then they do come. Yeah. They're not your best bet for an accountability buddy. No, you want Steady Eddie, you want reliable Rhonda, and you want the person who's counting on you to show up, too.

[Cynthia Pong]

I would look more for character traits of people who have a certain level of discipline around these things and also are not afraid to be like, hey, Marielle, we said we would do this. I know that you don't want to, but I'm going to be here at this time, so please come.

[Marielle Segarra]

As you're auditioning folks for this role, also consider what kind of encouragement you like, what motivates you. Daniel Wood is 35. He's a graphics reporter at NPR. He lives in a suburb outside of D.C. and three days a week, he meets up with other neighborhood dads to pump iron.

[Daniel Wood]

We get a text every night, the night before, 5:45am it's all it says. It's 5:45am and there's sort of an expectation that if you're not gonna be there, then the person's gonna bug you the next time you see them.

[Marielle Segarra]

Now, if he has a good reason, maybe they'll cut him some slack. But if he just slept in or something, he's gonna hear about it, and that works for him.

[Daniel Wood]

The optimal amount of shaming in the world is not zero, especially if you consent to it.

[Marielle Segarra]

See, for me, the shaming would backfire. I'd get annoyed and stop showing up. Me, I don't want tough love. I don't want a boot camp instructor. I want a cheerleader. And also somebody who'll show up, remind me how much I've accomplished, and tell me to keep going. Cynthia says, whatever it is you need, tell your prospective partners, then it's great.

[Cynthia Pong]

To explain that to the other person so that they can also be like, yes, I can do that. Or to be honest and be like, listen, I truthfully don't know if I'm going to be able to provide that for you.

[Marielle Segarra]

Now you might be thinking, where am I going to find these people? Could be anywhere, really. Daniel got connected with his group when some guy at a holiday party invited him. A year later, they're all best friends. You could also look for or ask around about an existing group, a writing group, a roller skating club, people who meet up and talk about spirituality or their career goals, whatever it is that you're into. Or if you already have a friend who you think could be a good fit, ask them. But your accountability partner does not have to be someone you already know. Leah, the vampire novelist, and her accountability buddy Jamie met online.

[Leah Shaffer]

I was on TikTok and just some random dude was like, does anybody want to be accountability buddies with me? And I was like, I don't even know what that is, but sure, I'll try it. And he's an author too. And I just, I said yes. And then we met, I think that same week on Zoom. And I don't think either of us knew exactly what it was gonna look like. But we have been meeting every week, every Friday at 9 o'clock for over a year now.

[Marielle Segarra]

And Leah says they've become friends, but their relationship was formed for this purpose, to work on their creative writing. And that is their primary intention.

[Leah Shaffer]

And then we can kind of chit chat afterwards about what our. What we're doing in our lives.

[Marielle Segarra]

For her, this dynamic keeps things simpler.

[Leah Shaffer]

I have a sister, she's a writer too. And I don't think we could do it because we talk too much, you know, about other things.

[Marielle Segarra]

She says it felt easier to do this with a new person than with somebody she was super close to and shared a bunch of history with. It was just lower stakes, right? She didn't feel like she needed to impress him. And that made it okay to fall short sometimes. Also remember, you don't have to have the same goals as your accountability partner. Ayelet Fishback says if your goal is to go running twice a week and you have somebody who wants to do that with you, great.

[Leah Shaffer]

But.

[Marielle Segarra]

But if not, there are other ways.

[Ayelet Fishback]

Maybe this is going to be a person who exercises in their own way. Maybe you meet after you had your separate exercises for a cup of coffee. Maybe you exchange notes by the end of the day or the end of the week.

[Marielle Segarra]

That brings us to takeaway 3. Get clear about your goals and track your progress. So you found your buddy. Yay. What are y'all supposed to do now? You can start by setting some goals. Specificity can be helpful here. At first, Leah and Jamie were bringing a wide ranging to do list to the table. They'd set goals like, I want to clean my cabinets this week, but that got too big and amorphous for them.

[Leah Shaffer]

So I do think one of the pitfalls is trying to have an accountability buddy for all of your goals. I think narrow it down to, you know, whatever this one thing you're meeting about is.

[Marielle Segarra]

They decided to make their sessions just about writing. They meet every Friday morning. He tells her his goals for the week, she tells him hers. Here's an example from the week we interviewed her.

[Leah Shaffer]

When we meet on Friday, I am supposed to have gone through my first 10 chapters in my novel for revisions and recorded five TikToks. And he's doing, you know, he'll do some marketing, book marketing because he's got some books out. He'll do some writing goals and they.

[Marielle Segarra]

Go through the list from the week before. Did you do this? If yes, great. Excited for you. If no, not a huge deal. They also set monthly, quarterly and yearly goals. I yell at fishbacks as when you're thinking about goals, it helps to break them down into smaller pieces. What am I going to do this week? This month? Because there's this phenomenon called the middle problem.

[Ayelet Fishback]

You see a lot of enthusiasm at the beginning, then motivation declines. Then when you're about to reach the goal again, you see an uptick in motivation. So it's kind of a U shape.

[Marielle Segarra]

For instance, imagine you're saving to buy a house or you're saving for retirement.

[Ayelet Fishback]

This is so big and so far that unless we break it into how much I'm going to save this year, it's really hard to feel like your efforts pay off in in any way.

[Marielle Segarra]

So maybe you and your accountability partner say, we're going to work out this many times this week or I'm going to write this many pages of my book and you are going to do xyz. Talk to your accountability partner about what kind of check ins will keep you both motivated. And this might change over time. Francisco has an accountability Buddy outside of FocusMate. They meet every Sunday at 10am and when they first started doing it, they created an Excel spreadsheet that each would fill out with their goals and lots of other details.

[Francisco Ramirez]

Anticipated obstacle, solution and action item, action items and tasks. How did I do what worked, what didn't work?

[Marielle Segarra]

And they'd monitor each other's progress during the week.

[Francisco Ramirez]

Originally, it was very much like a. Did you go for that walk today? Oh, I see the check mark. Yes, you did. Nice work.

[Marielle Segarra]

Eventually they stopped doing that and realized that the Sunday meetups were enough to keep them both on track. But you know, life happens and that's when you look to takeaway 4. If you feel like you're getting way off track or your Accountability arrangement is not working for you. Troubleshoot. Try something different. The first thing I'll stress here is that even with an accountability buddy, you're not always going to hit your marks. Francisco, who's done thousands of sessions on FocusMate, says he has those moments.

[Francisco Ramirez]

At the end of a session, I felt like I didn't get a lot done, which happens all the time because, hello, we're human. And my focus Mate partner looked at me in the camera and said, and you showed up, and that's what matters.

[Leah Shaffer]

I mean, we get off track all the time, right? We don't hit our goals all the time.

[Marielle Segarra]

Leah says there's something about doing this with a partner that actually makes falling short feel like less of a big deal. If you aren't meeting all of your goals, cut yourself some slack. But if you're not seeing any progress, or you and your partner keep canceling your accountability meetups, then Cynthia says it's time to check in. Maybe your buddy will say, yeah, you know, I'm actually not as into this as I thought, or, this is too busy of a season for me. Let's try again in six months. Or maybe it's something simpler. The time you chose is not convenient for both of you.

[Cynthia Pong]

So then change the time of the zoom, you know, or change it to not a zoom and it's texting. Like, you can try any sort of thing like that to sort of adjust, and you don't need to throw the whole thing out.

[Marielle Segarra]

As you get to know your accountability buddy or buddies, you might notice that you're becoming friends. Like, for real. For real. Maybe that's because partnering up on things we care about can bring us closer to people. Or because you're being vulnerable enough to share your big dreams with someone. And the repetition helps, too. When you see someone consistently, even on a video call, they become a part of your life. Francisco feels this way about his focus Mate buddies.

[Francisco Ramirez]

I have the people that I get to see every day nearly, who are showing me their cats, eating their Crunchies. And there's a lot of sort of, I guess you could call commiseration or moral support around things that we're working on in the world and, you know, changes that we're trying to, you know, effect or impact. And so it's just so special to be able to, you know, connect with people in every corner of the globe and support each other.

[Marielle Segarra]

He's even gone on to meet some of them in person, going to Broadway shows, going ice skating.

[Francisco Ramirez]

But even if I don't connect with people, in person, it's just really special feeling like you're not alone in what you're striving to do. For so many of us, even if we're working in office settings, we can feel really isolated.

[Marielle Segarra]

For Daniel, his accountability group banded together during a tough time. One of them had a heart attack last summer, and he says the community the group had already built made it possible for them to step up for their friend.

[Daniel Wood]

It was just like the most natural scaffolding, I think, to, like, go into a new mode of, like, caring for one another. Basically. These are just like my family in this city. You know, our wives are friends, and, like, there's more than just this group, but this group has made it consistent in a way that I think a lot of, like, American society doesn't have. People don't have the friendships that. The sort of friendships they used to have.

[Marielle Segarra]

And Daniel says ultimately, the social aspect of the group and the friendships he's formed, that's what gets him to show up.

[Daniel Wood]

We listen to music, and we. We talk about our, like, our. Our kids, our jobs. We talk about politics, and we don't agree. Like, we don't all agree on it. On it. And it's sort of a fun environment, and it's like a safe place to. To do that stuff. And so I don't want to miss out. So it's just a little bit of, like, if it wasn't. If it was just, like, me getting out of bed and running, I wouldn't do it.

[Marielle Segarra]

Of course, you know, it doesn't hurt that he's gotten a lot stronger in the process.

[Daniel Wood]

We get sick gains out of it. You know, we get, like, super shredded. So that helps.

[Marielle Segarra]

All right, it's time for a recap. Takeaway one, Accountability buddies can be a powerful and effective way to reach for what you want in life. Takeaway two, look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed, and who can encourage you in a way that fits both of your personalities. Takeaway 3. Get clear about your goals. It can be helpful to be specific and to break them down into small chunks and also track your Progress. And Takeaway 4, if you feel like you're getting way off track or your accountability arrangement is not working for you, try something else. Try a different structure. See if there's something worth holding onto here or if you might find a better fit with somebody else. Before we go, we wanted to let you know that we have a special newsletter series that you can sign up for. If you want to take a break from drinking. We'll cover everything from how to deal with uncomfortable questions like hey, why aren't you drinking? To how to make some tasty alcohol free drinks. You can sign up by going to npr.org dryjanuary and you can also find the link in the description for this episode. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. There's one about how to make a better to do list and another about how to keep up with a creative habit. You can find [e-mail] LifeKit and if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our [e-mail] LifeKitnewsletter Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email [e-mail] this episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Greeb. Meghan Cain is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Taegle, Margaret Serino and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Kwesi Lee and Robert Rodriguez. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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