Life Kit (NPR)
Episode: How to Cope if You Can't Find a Job
Host: Marielle Segarra
Guest: Dez Valdez, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Financial Therapist
Date: December 15, 2025
Episode Overview
This episode of Life Kit tackles the emotional, mental, and relational challenges of unemployment—especially when the process of job-searching stretches on. Host Marielle Segarra and guest expert Dez Valdez offer practical strategies for maintaining mental health, caring for relationships, and navigating the shame and grief that often accompany a job loss. The central message is clear: unemployment is not just a financial crisis, but a deeply personal, psychological, and social experience that requires attention, self-compassion, and structured coping.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. The Emotional Impact of Unemployment
- Unemployment is More Than Financial
- Dez Valdez (01:11): "It affects our mental health, our identity, our nervous system and our relationships."
- Unemployment can trigger grief, fear, self-blame, shame, and deep uncertainty.
- Society’s focus on productivity and employment links self-worth to having a job.
- Identity Crisis
- Losing a job often means losing a piece of identity, especially if work defined who you are (04:07).
- It prompts questions such as: Who am I without this job? What do I have to offer?
2. Trauma and Stress Responses
- The Four F’s: Freeze, Fight, Flight, Fawn
- Dez Valdez (04:48-06:14) explains how trauma manifests in job loss:
- Freeze: Feeling blank, avoiding decisions or tasks (e.g., can't face bank statements).
- Fight: Obsessive job searching, over-preparing, and refusing to rest.
- Flight: Withdrawing from personal relationships or endless scrolling without action.
- Fawn: People-pleasing, accepting unpaid/underpaid work out of guilt, hiding true feelings.
- Valdez emphasizes: “None of these are character flaws. They're very real, human trauma and stress responses to very difficult situations like long term unemployment.” (06:16)
- Dez Valdez (04:48-06:14) explains how trauma manifests in job loss:
3. Self-Care and Maintaining Mental Health
- Routine as Anchor
- Valdez (07:02): "As humans, we really thrive in routines... maintain a sense of stability and a sense of normalcy."
- Keeping a daily structure similar to when employed can help.
- Maintain rituals around wake-up times, meals, exercise, social or family connections.
- Structuring Job Search & Self-Care Together
- Limit job search to a few days/hours per week; balance with self-care (08:16).
- Create routines around learning new skills, but also schedule time for joy and connection.
4. Navigating Rejection and Maintaining Self-Esteem
- Rejection Isn’t Personal
- Valdez (09:28): “It's also important to... look at all of the factors... contributing to your circumstances... Some of those factors are external, such as economic conditions, various inequities, or just the systems that we live within... those aren't personal shortcomings.”
- Restoring Agency
- Engage in small, meaningful projects (creative, volunteer, or learning) to regain a sense of accomplishment and capability (10:38).
- Valdez (11:31): “It's really important to do things where you can reconnect with your sense of agency... and connect that project back to your identity... your values."
5. Relationship Dynamics and Communication
- Talking to Loved Ones
- Unemployment often creates disconnection and avoidance, especially of money conversations, which can lead to conflict (14:15).
- Valdez (15:19): Action Step: "Set up regular time to check in with your partner or family... using clear language to initiate the conversation."
- Sharing feelings helps reduce shame and builds connection. Suggested language:
- “I'm really stressed, or I'm ashamed about being out of work. I don't always know how to talk about it... Can we have 30 minutes once a week to really focus on that conversation?”
- For Partners and Family Members
- Ask how you can best support them:
- “Do you want advice right now, or do you just want me to listen?” (16:20)
- Avoid phrases like "Why haven't you...?" or "You should..." Focus on validation.
- Partners should also share their feelings; mutual vulnerability fosters support.
- Ask how you can best support them:
6. When to Seek Outside Help
- Recognizing Signs of Overwhelm or Depression
- If the unemployed individual becomes numb, hopeless, withdrawn, or expresses self-worthlessness (17:41).
- Outside support might be necessary: therapy, support groups, or trusted friends.
- Valdez (19:36): "The person experiencing the unemployment isn't the only one who's experiencing it. It does affect the whole system."
7. Perspective: This Is Temporary
- Hard as it is, remembering the temporary nature of unemployment can help restore hope and momentum (19:52).
- Valdez (20:00): “Anything you can do to remember those parts of you [your strengths, skills, and ability] is critical... But it is temporary. So I just encourage you to do these things, take care of yourself, and find those instances of joy during a situation that isn't enjoyable.”
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On Emotional Impact:
- Dez Valdez (01:11): "It affects our mental health, our identity, our nervous system and our relationships."
- On Trauma Response:
- Dez Valdez (06:16): “None of these are character flaws. They're very real, human trauma and stress responses.”
- On Routine:
- Dez Valdez (07:02): "As humans, we really thrive in routines and so we want to maintain a sense of stability and a sense of normalcy."
- On Self-Esteem:
- Dez Valdez (09:28): “There are factors...that aren't personal shortcomings. Identifying those external factors can help release that shame.”
- On Support:
- Dez Valdez (16:20): “One gentle phrase can just be, do you want advice right now, or do you just want me to listen?”
- On Temporariness:
- Dez Valdez (20:00): “It is temporary. And so I just encourage you to...find those instances of joy during a situation that isn’t enjoyable.”
Timestamps for Important Segments
- Introduction / Framing the Ache of Wanting a Job: 00:17–01:29
- Unemployment as Trauma & Emotional Responses: 01:29–06:31
- Self-Care: Routines and Job Search Structure: 07:02–09:10
- Handling Rejection / Restoring Agency: 09:10–11:52
- Relationships: Communicating With Loved Ones: 13:50–17:41
- When to Seek Help / Systemic Impact: 17:41–20:43
- Final Encouragement & Recap: 19:52–20:49
Episode Takeaways (Recap, in Host’s Words)
- Takeaway 1: Unemployment is a kind of traumatic event; people can freeze, fight, flee, or fawn. Name your responses—they’re human and valid (06:31).
- Takeaway 2: Maintain routines. Fill your time with enjoyable, responsible activities—and structure your job search time (07:48).
- Takeaway 3: Rejection isn’t an appraisal of your worth. Remember external factors and bolster your self-esteem by recognizing your strengths (11:52).
- Takeaway 4: Check in with those you live with. Schedule updates so job hunting isn’t omnipresent in conversations (15:58).
- Takeaway 5: If you love someone who’s unemployed, offer support gently—ask about their needs, listen, and take care of your own well-being too (19:04).
Final Note
Throughout the episode, Marielle and Dez stress compassion—for oneself and for others. Recognizing the real emotional toll of unemployment, creating structure, communicating with loved ones, and seeking joy where possible: these are strategies that can carry anyone through the tough times between jobs.