How to find a supportive queer community

Summary

Life Kit: How to Find a Supportive Queer Community
Host: Marielle Segarra | Release Date: April 3, 2025

In this insightful episode of NPR's Life Kit, host Marielle Segarra delves into the journey of finding a supportive queer community. Through heartfelt conversations with experts and community members, the episode provides practical advice, personal stories, and transformative takeaways for anyone navigating their queer identity. Whether you're just beginning to explore your sexuality or looking to deepen your connections within the LGBTQ+ community, this episode offers valuable guidance to help you "get it together."

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1. Embracing the Emotional Landscape

Understanding Your Emotions
Sean Monahan emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the full spectrum of emotions when exploring one's queer identity.

"Make note of all your emotions. Some of them might be more complicated and they might take longer to reveal themselves."
— Sean Monahan [05:26]

Navigating Grief and Loss
Clinical psychologist Elsa Lau discusses the grief that can accompany the realization of missed opportunities for community and self-expression.

"If you didn't have that queer community earlier in life, you might be mourning the version of yourself that could have been."
— Elsa Lau [06:03]

Lau further explains how this grief can provide insights into what individuals value and desire in their present lives, encouraging self-discovery and personal growth.

"It can tell you something about what you want in your life now, what you value, what you want your family or community to look like."
— Sean Monahan [06:19]

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2. Casting a Wide Net

Exploring Diverse Spaces
Sean Monahan highlights the vast array of queer communities available, each catering to different interests and identities.

"There are queer rock climbing groups, queer mahjong nights, queer surfing orgs, queer needlework circles."
— Sean Monahan [10:54]

Respect and Curiosity
When venturing into queer spaces, it's crucial to be respectful and open-minded. Margret Serino advises newcomers to be considerate of the community's comfort while being curious and genuine.

"It's okay to ask questions, it's okay to be curious, and it's okay if you mess up or put your foot in your mouth."
— Margaret Serino [08:22]

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3. Creating and Claiming Your Space

Initiating Connections
For those struggling to find existing communities that resonate, the episode encourages creating personalized spaces. Maya Satya Reddy shares her experience of founding the Queer Asian Social Club to connect with like-minded individuals.

"I'm going to create the space that I'm not feeling for myself."
— Maya Satya Reddy [15:56]

Tailoring to Specific Needs
Organizations like Cuties, led by Sasha Jones, focus on creating inclusive environments that cater to specific demographics within the queer community, such as people of color.

"There are a lot of sensitive, introverted people in our community and I think it's really nice and helpful for them to be able to know that they can show up to this place, they can show up by themselves."
— Sasha Jones [11:43]

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4. Overcoming Insecurities and Imposter Syndrome

Challenging Self-Doubt
The episode addresses common fears, such as not feeling "queer enough" or struggling with the pressure to conform to online queer culture. Sean Monahan recounts his own experience with imposter syndrome:

"I had this one fear that I'd get locked into a conversation and immediately get found out as an imposter."
— Sean Monahan [17:15]

Redefining Queerness
Maya Satya Reddy offers a reframe on queerness, emphasizing that it's a collective, evolving culture that doesn't require specific knowledge or behaviors.

"We're constantly defining and redefining it. Don't take anything that is on social media as a guidebook on how you should be queer."
— Maya Satya Reddy [18:55]

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5. Honoring Queer Lineage and Elders

Connecting with History
Sean Monahan and Elsa Lau discuss the significance of connecting with elder members of the queer community to gain perspective and inspiration.

"Look where we started and look where we are now."
— Elsa Lau [21:06]

Preserving Traditions
Sean highlights the role of traditional activities, like line dancing at Stud Country, in fostering intergenerational connections and maintaining community spirit.

"When times feel hopeless, this history can renew your optimism."
— Sean Monahan [21:17]

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Key Takeaways

1. Know All of Your Emotions
   Acknowledge both positive and negative feelings as you explore your queer identity. Understanding emotions like grief and anger can guide your journey toward a supportive community.

2. Cast a Wide Net
   Explore various queer spaces and communities that align with your interests and values. Be respectful and open-minded as you navigate these environments.

3. Ask for Exactly What You're Looking For or Create It
   Don't hesitate to seek out specific communities or take the initiative to create your own spaces if existing ones don't meet your needs.

4. Commit to a Space for a Bit
   Give yourself time to settle into a community. Initial anxieties are natural, and persistence can lead to meaningful connections.

5. Connect with Your Queer Elders to Find Deeper Connection
   Engage with older members of the queer community to gain insights, honor history, and find inspiration for your own journey.

---

Conclusion

Life Kit's episode on finding a supportive queer community serves as a comprehensive guide for individuals at any stage of their queer identity journey. Through personal anecdotes, expert advice, and actionable takeaways, Marielle Segarra and her guests illuminate the path to building meaningful, affirming connections within the LGBTQ+ community. Whether you're seeking spaces that align with your hobbies, cultural background, or activism, this episode underscores the importance of community in fostering personal growth and collective resilience.

For more episodes on related topics, visit NPR's Life Kit. Share your thoughts or suggest ideas by emailing [e-mail].

Transcript

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[Marielle Segarra]

You're listening to Life Kit from npr. Hey, everybody, it's Marielle. You want to go dancing? This is the sound of more than 100 people line dancing to a song called Thick As Thieves by Lauren Alina. It was a warm Tuesday night in Brooklyn, New York, and the event that got him on the floor is called Stud A Queer Line Dancing Night Life Kit producer Margaret Serino was in attendance.

[Sean Monahan]

Is this Yalls first time here or we're regulars. Regulars. What would you say? What number is this, roughly? It's definitely in, like, the 50s. Definitely between like 50 and 100, though. There are multiple places to do it. We go multiple times a week. These are the friends that I talk to every day.

[Margaret Serino]

And I just love everyone in this community so much.

[Sean Monahan]

I'm in, like 12 line dance group chats. Oh, my God. It's really bad.

[Margaret Serino]

People are kind of sharing what's been going on in their week. New people are asking some of the regulars to show them around the dance floor. It's really amazing.

[Marielle Segarra]

That last voice you heard is Sean Monahan. He's the co founder of Stud Country. Sean says he feels something particular in this space.

[Margaret Serino]

That collective feeling of joy, like when there's 200 people in a room together, just like all feeding off each other's emotions, is a spiritual thing.

[Marielle Segarra]

Sean and Margaret got to talking about the power of a space like Stud country, especially if you're just coming out or if you're coming into your identity as LGBTQ or queer.

[Margaret Serino]

When did you come out? If I can ask a personal question.

[Sean Monahan]

I came out recently, I'd say, like three years ago. I'm in my late 20s now, but at the time, I felt like everyone had already done it. And I felt. I still feel like I'm figuring out. I mean, it took me a long time to figure out where my community was.

[Margaret Serino]

Isn't that so cool? You can be kind of a guide for people.

[Sean Monahan]

It is so cool. And it just, like, does make me feel so connected by, like, oh, we all had to do this really hard thing. And it feels awesome to see people starting to, like, tiptoe towards that because, you know, they're just gonna, like, so much of what was holding them back is gonna disappear.

[Margaret Serino]

I realized that, like, through my partner coming out, I was able to tell him some advice that I wish I had been told oh, I wish someone said this to me, or I wish someone gave me this kind of comfort.

[Marielle Segarra]

On this episode of Life Kit how to Find Queer Community no matter how old you are or where you're at in your relationship to your sexuality or gender identity, you might use the word queer for yourself. Or not. You might be unsure what word, if any, feels right. Margaret is going to share stories from Sean and other people about the communities that have transformed them.

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[Sean Monahan]

Exploring a new identity is something to celebrate. It doesn't matter if you're questioning or if you haven't told anyone, or if you've told everyone. It doesn't matter if you're not sure that queer applies to you. If you're listening to this, if you're beginning the search for your own community, I want you to know that I'm excited for you. But let's back up. Are you Excited, are you scared? A little bit of both. Our first takeaway. Make note of all your emotions. Some of them might be more complicated and they might take longer to reveal themselves. Like, maybe what you feel is grief.

[Elsa Lau]

I felt that grief myself, right? Of like, wow, what could my family of choice had been like? What could my life experiences have been like if I had, you know, the safe space to actually explore these inklings that I had throughout my life as a young person?

[Sean Monahan]

That's Elsa Lau. They're a clinical psychologist and they also run a support group for queer professionals. Elsa says that if you didn't have that queer community earlier in life, you might be mourning the version of yourself that could have been. But if you can, don't shy away from this grief, it can tell you.

[Elsa Lau]

Something about what you want in your.

[Sean Monahan]

Life now, what you value, what you want your family or community to look like. How can you create that reality for yourself now? Or let's say you're angry at specific people in your life, at everyone, at yourself. That feeling can point you in the direction of the wounds requiring your attention.

[Elsa Lau]

Most of us are in the community to some extent, undoing it might not be explicit traumas, but very implicit death by a million paper cuts. These injustices are woven into our bodies and our stories, and we might not be very cognizant of that.

[Sean Monahan]

Maybe you're ashamed if people in your life have condemned your sexuality or gender expression, if you've internalized those messages, right?

[Elsa Lau]

Like, it's like the voice is coming from inside the house. It's no longer the parent or the neighbor or the teacher, right? It's like it's a reaction that's in our nervous system that sounds like our own voice.

[Sean Monahan]

Look, these complicated feelings are not going to resolve overnight. But Elsa says the antidote is community. Being in groups where your presence isn't just tolerated, but celebrated.

[Elsa Lau]

People who can celebrate you, who love you for the things that other people are like, okay, I'm kind of okay with this in your life, but it's your choice or it's something that I don't understand, right? When you're in a space where people are actively cheering for you on your side because they see part of themselves in you, they make those things feel. Feel more real in our body.

[Sean Monahan]

So let's get down to business and find the people who will celebrate you. Takeaway 2 Cast a wide net Now, a quick note. If it's your first time in a queer space, or really any space that's explicitly for a marginalized community, remember to be respectful. A lot of people might be here because it's a rare chance for them to feel comfortable. So be mindful of that. It's okay to ask questions, it's okay to be curious, and it's okay if you mess up or put your foot in your mouth. But in those moments, make sure you genuinely apologize and commit to improving the next time around. With that in mind, let's return to Sean Monahan. First up, Shawn didn't think line dancing would become his thing, but he was new to LA and still having a hard time finding his people. Then one night, he went out to this country western gay bar called Oil Can Harry's.

[Margaret Serino]

If this is your first time here, how can you sense community here like you're brand new? But it truly was the first time I went there. Like, some of the regulars asked me out on the dance floor, and it was just this immediate welcoming and warm embrace.

[Sean Monahan]

That night, he fell in love with line dancing, and he was inspired to start Stud country with a friend. It wasn't just about being in a queer space. It was about being in a room full of strangers moving together in unison, seeing this shared passion play out on the dance floor.

[Margaret Serino]

The dancing is like this glue that brought so many disparate people together.

[Devane Morthy]

Is this anyone's first stunt?

[Margaret Serino]

Oh, my God.

[Sean Monahan]

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[Margaret Serino]

You are officially indoctrinated into our family.

[Sean Monahan]

It's fun to try something new within my community that feels a lot different than, like the usual party. After the first dance, I was like, oh, we're coming back because I want to now. I want to learn the dances. I guess you could argue that I'm hooked. I'll for sure come back. Like I said, I want to be on those people's level. Stud yeah has its regulars, but a lot of them had never line danced before this.

[Margaret Serino]

Everybody, when they start, they're like, how does everyone know the dances? What's going on? But actually, a lot of people just were that new person. And there's so many examples of people that had zero dance experience, that had two left feet when they started, and they just kept at it. And now they're some of the best dancers at the party.

[Sean Monahan]

There's a queer community for almost every hobby you could have, even ones you hadn't ever considered. There are queer rock climbing groups, queer mahjong nights, queer surfing orgs, queer needlework circles. Tapping into a common interest is a great way to ease into a community. And if you're nervous about being the newcomer at the queer event, Shawn says, don't be afraid to ask for some company.

[Margaret Serino]

Ask for someone to like, go to a gay bar with you. Also, like, it's totally fine if you don't like the gay bar you go to.

[Sean Monahan]

Maybe you don't want to go to a bar at all. Sasha Jones is the CEO of Cuties, an LA based queer community org with a special focus on creating events for people of color. It originally started as a coffee shop and soberspace.

[Sasha Jones]

The intention, I think, was to always have a space where folks could come and spend daytime hours with each other, a place where we could gather that wasn't centered around alcohol and partying.

[Sean Monahan]

For Sasha, these kinds of gatherings are crucial counter programming to other kinds of queer events that revolve around nightlife.

[Sasha Jones]

There are a lot of sensitive, introverted people in our community and I think it's really nice and helpful for them to be able to know that like, I can show up to this place, I can show up by myself. It's not going to be super loud, it's going to be like comfy. There may be space for me to meet someone there.

[Sean Monahan]

Maybe you want a space where queerness is also an expression of activism. Devane Morthy is a steward of Blue Stockings Cooperative Bookstore. It started in 1999 as a volunteer powered women's bookstore and over the years it's grown into a hub of mutual aid and other activism.

[Devane Morthy]

They're having a unionizing meeting to like lesbian craft nights that are masked. We're able to distribute Narcan or train people.

[Sean Monahan]

Like literally, this space saves lives, you.

[Devane Morthy]

Know what I mean?

[Sean Monahan]

The bookstore has helped Devane find a community of people who share their values and their vision for the future, and that's what's kept them motivated. Somehow we're still able to be positive.

[Devane Morthy]

And show up and leave feeling fulfilled.

[Sean Monahan]

In the work that we're doing.

[Devane Morthy]

Because I think we give queer and.

[Sean Monahan]

Trans folks the opportunity to believe in.

[Devane Morthy]

A different future and a different reality.

[Sean Monahan]

So when you first search for that elusive home base, cast a wide net. Keep a list on your phone or in your notebook of anything you come across that strikes your fancy. Weird niche, hobbies, physical activities, outdoor gatherings, reading groups, mutual aid spaces. No matter your lifestyle, there is something that will work. And if you don't immediately find that perfect event or you're let down by the ones you do attend, don't lose heart just yet. Takeaway 3 It's okay to ask for exactly what you're looking for, or even create it for yourself. Look, finding your people might not be so straightforward. Just because someone falls under the queer umbrella doesn't mean they're automatically your people.

[Elsa Lau]

It might indicate that they have some shared experiences, but they could have drastically different personal values. They might be moving through different phases of life and maybe part of different careers or just overall, just value systems.

[Sean Monahan]

That's Elsa again. They told me that some people might have a second crisis. They might feel let down if they experience discrimination within the queer community. We would all hope that coming out or exploring a new identity means you're leaving behind the people who other you. But that's not always the case.

[Elsa Lau]

There can be subtle transphobia, subtle biphobia, subtle trans femme phobia or transmasch phobia. And so these things are part and parcel of the experience.

[Sean Monahan]

This is why it's important to find the groups that support you in every regard, whether that's along the lines of sexuality or gender expression, racial or ethnic identity, disability, neurotype, or even just shared values. And if you still can't find the thing, make it yourself. Maya Satya Reddy remembers feeling really lost in the years right after she graduated from college.

[Devane Morthy]

When I graduated as, you know, like, what a 21 year old in the world, I was like, I don't know where my community is.

[Sean Monahan]

Like, where is it in college? It was built in. She had all these student groups she was super involved in, but freshly in the post student world, she was like, where is my student group? How do people make new friends after school ends? What she was really looking for were other queer Asians.

[Devane Morthy]

And essentially I was just like, you know what? I'm going to create this space that I'm not feeling for myself. And that's how Queer Asian Social Club came around.

[Sean Monahan]

Maya's the founder of Queer Asian Social Club. Now they host book clubs, make zines and podcast episodes and share queer Asian history. But at first, Maya really just wanted to find people she could relate to. She wanted to create a space separate from other mainstream queer spaces, which could be majority white, cisgender and specific to gay men.

[Devane Morthy]

Yeah, I was just like, I want to create the space, so I'm going to create it.

[Sean Monahan]

Finding her people has helped her feel less invisible. It's also led her to deepen the connections with her ancestors and her spirituality.

[Devane Morthy]

A big part of my growth and my journey into understanding what being queer Asian means to me was a lot of reconnecting with Hinduism and Indian culture and realizing that Hinduism and Indian culture are just inherently queer. Like, all the Hindu gods are reincarnating to, like, every gender. And there's so much queerness there, and it was so wildly affirming to me.

[Sean Monahan]

Okay, you've homed in on some events that you feel connected to. Now you have to keep going back. This might be easier said than done. You might be feeling anxious or insecure at this point, which makes sense. You're in a new social situation and you're in a transitional period of life. Takeaway 4. Remember that there's no one way to be queer. Don't let specific people or spaces tell you otherwise. I told Maya that when I first started going to queer events, I was filled with all of this doubt. I had this one fear that I'd get locked into a conversation and immediately get found out as an imposter because I didn't know the right lingo or the right references. And this fear led to some misguided and anxious behaviors of mine. I remember going on TikTok, searching queer, and literally trying to teach myself all of the slang so that I could, like, work it into conversations naturally. Yeah, don't do that, by the way. But Maya told me she could relate.

[Devane Morthy]

I'll go onto Twitter and, like, the meme of the day is somebody saying, I'm 17 and afraid of Sabrina Carpenter. And it's like, if you're not chronically online, you have no idea what that means.

[Sean Monahan]

Right? Basically, there's a lot of pressure to be plugged into online queer culture.

[Devane Morthy]

And if you don't get it right, like, it's super intimidating. You're like, I'm. I don't feel queer enough. Like, I don't feel like I'm a part of this community because I don't get it.

[Sean Monahan]

But here's Maya's reframe. All of us are creating this culture together in real time.

[Devane Morthy]

Like, we're constantly defining and redefining it. Don't take anything that is on social media as a guidebook on how you should be queer.

[Sean Monahan]

That can be so limiting. Queerness is expansiveness. So, no, there's no lingo you need to know, and no one is going to quiz you at the function. You don't need to look a certain way or act or dress a certain way. You don't need to have a label or feel 100% confident in the label you use.

[Sasha Jones]

I think it's one of those things where you have to rip the band aid off. The hardest part is getting there. The hardest part is the negative self talk. The imposter syndrome, where I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm queer enough. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to wear. I don't know. I don't know. The fear of, like, not enoughness is society getting in the way of. Of us living in our truth.

[Sean Monahan]

That's Sasha again. She told me that another insecurity she hears from people is around being the new one. You know, feeling baby gay or baby queer.

[Sasha Jones]

But no one's gonna know. Nobody knows anything about you walking into a space, so they don't know if you just came out yesterday. They know nothing.

[Sean Monahan]

And look, you might come across someone who does know and then chooses to tease or make fun. That obviously never feels good. But do your best to treat those moments as what they are. One person making one comment, not the entire queer community coming down on you. Let those moments guide you closer to the people who do truly welcome you and make you feel at ease around them. Our final takeaway. Takeaway 5. You are part of a lineage of queer people. Connect with your elders to find a deeper meaning in your queerness. At Stud country, you'll see people of all ages dancing together.

[Margaret Serino]

We have people that are in their 90s. We have people that are, like, just over 21. There's a super long history of line dancing in the queer community.

[Sean Monahan]

Specifically, that's Sean again. For him, preserving this history is part of the fun. He likes bringing back old dances from the 80s and 90s, making sure they stay alive.

[Margaret Serino]

The elders in our community, truly, they were doing dangerous things when they built this community, when they laid this foundation, like it was illegal for men to dance together.

[Sean Monahan]

Shawn likes teaching these dances. Yeah, in part to honor those older gentlemen. But he says that when times feel hopeless, this history can renew your optimism.

[Elsa Lau]

Oftentimes, elder queers are helping some of these younger generation folks remember where we started and that that can be a course of hope. Look where we started and look where we are now.

[Sean Monahan]

Really. Elsa says everyone can learn from the queer people in their lives. No matter your culture, your sexual orientation or gender identity. There are so many expectations for how you're supposed to live, what a family looks like, who you should love, how you present yourself to the world. When queer people push back on these expectations, they can help everyone do the same.

[Elsa Lau]

I do think that when we have more examples of more options of how to be in the world, it frees up people to make truly agentful choices.

[Sean Monahan]

And to think sometimes this can all get started with one line dance.

[Sasha Jones]

Can you feel, like, that energy?

[Sean Monahan]

I feel like that's a lot of community. People here, they find it and they like it just like changes your life very much.

[Elsa Lau]

Like church, we're all in the same.

[Sean Monahan]

Place at the same time each week. We're really just all here to like.

[Elsa Lau]

Love on ourselves, love on each other.

[Sean Monahan]

Like, I think that's what's important. We need queer community, especially now, continuously. We need to keep being together and having joy. This is beautiful. Okay, it's time for a recap. Takeaway 1 Know all of your emotions, the good and the bad. Takeaway 2 Cast a wide net, but remember to be respectful as you explore. Takeaway 3 Ask for exactly what you're looking for or create it. Takeaway 4 Commit to a space for a bit. You might need to work through some surfacing anxieties and takeaway 5 rely on your queer elders to find deeper connection.

[Marielle Segarra]

That was Life Kit producer Margaret Serino. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got one on how to explore your gender identity for the first time and another on how to navigate your first queer relationship. You can find [e-mail] LifeKit and if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our [e-mail] LifeKitnewsletter Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email [e-mail] this episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Serino. It was edited by Meghan Cain and Destiny Adams. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Garib. Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle, Claire Marie Schneider, Sam Yellowhorse, Kessler and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Gilly Moon. Special thanks to Kiara Eisner and River Williamson. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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