Life Kit Podcast: How to Keep Old Friends
Host: Marielle Segarra | NPR | Release Date: May 19, 2025

In this insightful episode of NPR's Life Kit, host Marielle Segarra delves into the art of maintaining long-standing friendships. Titled "How to Keep Old Friends," the episode features a compelling conversation with Nina Badson, the host of the podcast Dear Conversations about Friendship. Together, they explore the nuances of sustaining friendships over time, the challenges that arise, and effective strategies to keep the bond strong.

Defining Old Friends

Nina Badson begins by addressing what constitutes an "old friend." She explains that there isn't an exact timeline for when a friendship becomes old, but it often stems from enduring significant experiences together. For instance, enduring a challenging job situation or navigating serious personal hardships can cement a friendship's longevity.

Nina Badson [02:14]:
"There could be a job where you together had a really difficult boss... that experience or, you know, unfortunately, it happens that you maybe have cancer at the same time as somebody."

The Value of Old Friends

Marielle shares her personal appreciation for old friends, highlighting how they add richness to her life. Old friends are often the ones she can share deep laughs with and who remind her of her true self during both highs and lows.

Marielle Segarra [02:14]:
"My old friends bring so much richness to my life. They're the ones that I can do the ridiculous bit with, you know? And deep belly laugh in a way that I haven't since high school or college."

Challenges in Maintaining Long-Term Friendships

As life progresses, maintaining friendships can become challenging due to various factors such as busy schedules, physical distance, and personal changes. Marielle notes that relationships can suffer when people become busy, forget to reach out, or when both parties evolve in different directions.

Marielle Segarra [02:14]:
"...time can also do a number on relationships. We get busy, lose track of people, forget to text, keep rescheduling. We change and they change and suddenly we don't fit anymore."

Effort and Communication in Friendships

A central theme of the episode is the necessity of effort and effective communication to sustain friendships. Nina emphasizes that friendships require different types of effort from each person involved. Understanding and appreciating these differences can prevent misunderstandings and resentment.

Nina Badson [06:23]:
"People don't keep score, or they might keep score, but they check themselves on that. And the other one is they've learned to develop a benefit of the doubt that they take very seriously."

Marielle summarizes this by highlighting that friendships involve investing in relationships in diverse ways and communicating openly about one's needs.

Marielle Segarra [09:57]:
"All right, takeaway one is that friendships take effort, but the way you invest in relationships and show love might be different from the way your friend does."

Assuming Best Intentions

Nina introduces the concept of assuming the best intentions from friends. This approach fosters forgiveness and understanding, crucial elements in maintaining long-term friendships. She underscores the importance of humility in acknowledging that one doesn't know the full story behind a friend's actions.

Nina Badson [10:27]:
"Assuming the best means I don't know the whole story. So I'm going to assume there's some information I don't have."

This mindset helps in navigating disappointments and reinforces the value of giving friends the benefit of the doubt.

Marielle Segarra [11:29]:
"Takeaway 2 It helps to give your friends the benefit of the doubt and assume the best intentions."

Ways to Stay Connected

The conversation explores various methods to keep in touch with old friends, especially when schedules are hectic or distance is a factor. Nina advocates for flexible and low-pressure ways to maintain connections, such as:

• Voice Memos: Sharing voice messages can provide a more intimate and immediate form of communication without the need for real-time interaction.

  Nina Badson [12:51]:
  "I'm a voice memo evangelist... it's a very intimate thing. You're hearing the person's voice."

• Scheduled Calls and Video Chats: Regularly setting aside time for phone or video conversations can help keep the friendship active.

• Snail Mail: Sending letters or small packages can add a personal touch and show thoughtfulness.

Marielle reinforces these ideas by suggesting that conversations can delve into current thoughts and feelings rather than merely updating each other on life events.

Marielle Segarra [16:40]:
"When you catch up, consider diving right into whatever's on your mind that day, rather than running through a checklist of everything that's happened in your lives since you last spoke."

The Importance of In-Person Connection

While digital communication methods are valuable, Nina highlights the irreplaceable nature of in-person interactions. Meeting face-to-face, even if it requires traveling, can significantly strengthen the bond between old friends.

Nina Badson [17:14]:
"I think it is important... it is so completely different. And a really important piece of maintaining old friendships is changing the venue."

For those with geographically distant friends, Nina suggests finding ways to meet up occasionally or making virtual interactions as meaningful as possible.

Allowing Friends to Change

Friendships are dynamic, and both individuals often evolve over time. Nina discusses the importance of granting friends the space to change without judgment. Embracing these changes can prevent friendships from becoming stagnant or strained.

Nina Badson [18:29]:
"Allowing a friend to change is in the same category... there's not a lot of hope in the world if we have to keep all the same opinions and interests that we had from the time we were, you know, 10 years old."

When friends begin to treat each other based on old versions of themselves, Nina advises open and honest communication about the changes.

Nina Badson [20:08]:
"I would just be honest and say it's really hard for me to have made these changes in my life and I really just want your support."

Conclusion and Takeaways

Marielle concludes the episode by summarizing four key takeaways for maintaining old friendships:

1. Friendships Take Effort: Recognize that effort may look different depending on individual personalities and circumstances. Focus on the positive ways your friends show up rather than what they don't.

2. Assume Best Intentions: Give friends the benefit of the doubt and understand that lapses in communication are often not personal. Address any concerns through open dialogue.

3. Stay Connected in Various Ways: Utilize different methods to keep in touch, such as scheduling calls, sending voice memos, or exchanging letters. When catching up, focus on meaningful conversations rather than just updates.

4. Allow Friends to Change: Embrace and support your friends' growth and changes. Communicate openly about how these changes affect your relationship and work together to navigate them.

Marielle also encourages listeners to explore other Life Kit episodes on related topics, such as maintaining friendships after life changes like parenthood, and expressing appreciation towards friends.

Marielle Segarra [23:10]:
"Takeaway 4 allow your friends to change and support them as they go through life's many ups and downs. Just be there. Love them. Let them be who they are and who they're becoming."

This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sam Yellowhorse Kessler, with contributions from Beck Harlan, Malika Garib, Megan Keane, Beth Donovan, and the production team including Andy Taegle, Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support was provided by Jimmy Keeley.

For more episodes and resources on navigating life's challenges, visit NPR Life Kit.