Life Kit Podcast Episode Summary: "How to Maintain Your Friendships After Kids"
Released on May 6, 2025, NPR's "Life Kit" hosted by Marielle Segarra delves into the intricate dynamics of sustaining friendships once parenthood enters the picture. This episode features insightful conversations with experts and individuals navigating the delicate balance between raising children and maintaining meaningful adult relationships.
Introduction
Marielle Segarra opens the episode by acknowledging the natural evolution of friendships over time, especially when one friend becomes a parent. She highlights the common challenges faced by both parents and childfree individuals, such as scheduling conflicts, communication gaps, and feelings of exclusion on either side.
Challenges in Maintaining Friendships After Parenthood
Mariah Maddox, a writer, photographer, and doula, shares her personal experience of feeling isolated after becoming the first parent in her friend group. (00:45 - 02:52)
"I sometimes felt like I wasn't included in plans a lot because people assume, 'Oh well, you have a baby, you won't be able to go out as much or do certain things.' I think it's easy to feel disregarded."
(02:42, 02:52)
Anne Helen Peterson, a culture writer, discusses the mutual feelings of neglect experienced by both parents and childfree friends. She recounts how conversations often overlook the reciprocal effort needed to maintain friendships across different life stages. (06:32 - 07:31)
Takeaways and Strategies
Takeaway 1: Communicate Clearly About Mutual Needs
Justin Kello, a father of two and creator of the TikTok account "Parenting Cheerleader," emphasizes the importance of explicit communication to avoid assumptions.
"Instead of making assumptions about what your friend wants or allowing them to make assumptions about you, communicate clearly."
(08:05 - 08:31)
He suggests practical scripts for declining invitations while expressing the desire to maintain the friendship:
"I can't go to this, but please keep inviting me to things."
(08:36)
Ira Glass adds that open communication helps prevent misunderstandings:
"If they perceive you as you just ghosted them, then yeah, that friendship may not last. But if you just say, 'Hey, listen, the kids are wild right now,' being honest can keep the friendship intact."
(08:51 - 09:17)
Takeaway 2: Invite Friends Without Kids Into Your Family Life
Inviting non-parent friends to family-oriented activities can bridge the gap:
"Maybe you have a childfree friend who's been hanging back a bit. You might assume that they just aren't into kids. But remember, we are not assuming."
(11:16)
Anne Helen Peterson shares her experience of re-integrating into her friends' parent-focused social circles by engaging in their activities:
"I was like, I like that makes me feel left out that I'm not on that thread. And they're like, well, we thought you wouldn't want to be on that because it's just pictures of rashes. And I was like, that's okay, you can include me on that."
(10:22)
Takeaway 3: Get Creative About Quality Time
Adapting how you spend time together can accommodate parenting schedules:
- Justin Kello schedules bi-weekly phone calls with friends when in-person activities are challenging.
"Every time I hang up, I'm like, I'm glad I did that."
(13:55 - 14:05)
- Mariah Maddox opts for activities that include children, such as walks with a stroller, allowing her to catch up without the need for babysitters.
"It allotted us time to catch up while kind of relieving me of any worry of having to find a babysitter."
(14:16 - 14:46)
- Anne Helen Peterson advocates for "errand friends," where friends accompany each other on mundane tasks, turning them into bonding opportunities.
"You both need to go to the laundry service... it's just wonderful. It's better together."
(14:52 - 15:08)
Takeaway 4: Schedule Parent Time Off (PTO)
Proactively setting aside time for friends helps ensure regular connection:
"Schedule parent time off with the help of other people in your life."
(15:48)
Justin Kello and his wife implement a weekly night each can use independently and also allocate monthly days and annual weekends dedicated to spending time apart with others.
"This is something you're doing proactively and consistently. By making it a habit, you can fill your own cup and invest in friendships at the same time."
(16:31 - 16:43)
Takeaway 5: It's Okay to Let Friendships Evolve
Recognizing that not all friendships will remain as close can lead to healthier relationships:
"Not every friendship has to be forever and for life."
(17:13)
Mariah Maddox advises trusting your feelings about a relationship:
"Do you feel supported? Do you feel seen? Do you feel valued?"
(18:10 - 18:21)
She suggests allowing friendships to naturally fade if they no longer provide mutual support:
"Maybe life will bring us back around to each other, maybe not. But it's all about allowing yourself to just go with the flow of the process."
(18:32 - 18:40)
Importance of Maintaining Friendships Across Life Stages
Investing in friendships that span different life stages fosters personal growth and support:
- Marielle Segarra emphasizes that such friendships prevent social isolation and contribute to overall well-being.
Anne Helen Peterson highlights that diverse friendships offer varied perspectives and prevent echo chambers:
"We are not meant to only be friends with people exactly like us. It doesn't build character...we need people who are living life differently."
(20:36 - 20:51)
Justin Kello notes that friendships with individuals in different stages of life can be more flexible and less burdened by similar parenting challenges:
"For me, my best friendships are sometimes with older guys whose kids have gone beyond the bedtime routine. Their schedules are way more flexible."
(19:10 - 19:36)
Conclusion
Marielle Segarra wraps up the episode by reiterating the five key takeaways:
- Communicate Clearly: Avoid assumptions by expressing your needs and limitations openly.
- Include Childfree Friends: Invite them into your family activities to maintain a sense of inclusion.
- Be Creative with Quality Time: Adapt your meet-ups to fit your parenting schedule.
- Schedule PTO: Dedicate specific times for personal friendships to ensure consistency.
- Allow Friendships to Evolve: Accept that some relationships may change or fade naturally.
By implementing these strategies, parents and childfree individuals alike can nurture enduring and supportive friendships despite the shifts that parenthood brings.
Notable Quotes:
- "Instead of making assumptions about what your friend wants or allowing them to make assumptions about you, communicate clearly." – Justin Kello (08:31)
- "Our friendships are gonna morph somewhat throughout our lives." – Marielle Segarra (00:45)
- "Maybe life will bring us back around to each other, maybe not." – Mariah Maddox (18:32)
Key Contributors:
- Host: Marielle Segarra
- Guests: Mariah Maddox, Anne Helen Peterson, Justin Kello, Ira Glass
Production Team:
- Sam Yellow Horse Kessler, Beck Harlan, Malika Gharib, Megan Kane, Beth Donovan, Andy Taegle, Claire Marie Schneider, Sylvie Douglas, Margaret Serino, Ko Takasugi Chernovin
For more episodes and resources on maintaining friendships and other life skills, visit NPR's Life Kit.