Life Kit (NPR)

Episode: How to repair after a fight with your partner
Host: Marielle Segarra
Guest Expert: Bea Voce, couples counselor
Reporter: Andy Tagle
Air Date: November 6, 2025

Overview

This episode centers on the essential skill of repairing relationships after conflict, especially with a romantic partner. Host Marielle Segarra and reporter Andy Tagle speak with couples counselor Bea Voce, who outlines a five-step process for relational repair. The focus is on practical tools and mindsets that help partners reconnect and move forward after arguments, featuring examples, key concepts, and memorable metaphors—like treating the repair conversation as “customer service” for your relationship. The advice is warm, realistic, and filled with empathy, recognizing that rupture is inevitable, but repair is a learnable, repeatable skill.

Main Discussion Points and Insights

The Importance of Repair after Conflict

• Conflict is inevitable in relationships. It’s not about avoiding fights, but about how you recover (“repair”) afterwards.

  “Rupture, conflict: it’s going to happen in relationships no matter what. We cannot avoid it.” — Bea Voce [00:33]

• Repair is described as the single most important ingredient in developing healthy, long-term, and resilient relationships.

  “Repair to me is the single most important ingredient in what actually develops into healthy, long term, secure, functioning relationships.” — Bea Voce [00:49]

The Five-Step Process of Repair

1. Do Nothing — Regulate Yourself First

[03:49–06:08]

• After a conflict, take space before trying to resolve it. This is about self-regulation, not avoidance.
• Recognize when you’re “out of your window of tolerance” (too upset to engage constructively).
• Use your own best methods—take a walk, call a friend, blast music—to calm down at least to a “5 out of 10” emotional level.

  “You don't come back into connection with your partner until you're ready to see someone else's perspective.” — Bea Voce [05:09]

• Notable quote:

  “Doing nothing is actually quite an active process.” — Bea Voce [03:49]

2. One Person Goes at a Time — Take Turns

[06:08–07:46]

• Only one partner shares their experience at a time.
• The hurt partner (or whoever initiated the repair) goes first; if both are hurt, take turns.
• Reference to “customer service”: Just like at the returns counter, focus on one problem before moving to another.

  “If both of you are doing it at the same time, it’s a total mess. It doesn’t work.” — Bea Voce [07:34]

3. Share Your Experience Responsibly

[07:47–09:52]

• When expressing hurt, use “I” statements and describe feelings, not blame/judgment.

• Soft start-ups make it easier for your partner to respond with empathy.

• Notable Terry Real quote:

  “There’s no space in relationship for objective reality. There are just two subjective experiences.” — Bea Voce [09:02]

• Example contrast:

  • Blame: “You can never be trusted with the schedule.”
  • Responsible: “I feel let down because you wanted to leave late and now we’ve lost a day of vacation.”

    “It's enlightened self-interest.” — Bea Voce [09:52]

4. Listen—Truly Step Outside Yourself

[10:33–11:19]

• When it’s your turn to listen, “zip down your perspective,” temporarily set aside your own feelings, and listen as if you’re hearing a foreign language.
• This step is crucial especially for people prone to people-pleasing or feeling unheard.

  “You take your perspective and you zip it down almost like you're wearing it as skin...[and] it’s taking a little nap.” — Bea Voce [10:40]

5. Be an Anthropologist—Practice Deep Curiosity

[11:20–13:02]

• Try to deeply understand your partner’s experience, even if it doesn’t make logical sense to you.
• Use questions like, “Can you tell me more about why it hurt you?” to invite deeper sharing.
• Key distinction: Empathy/attunement is not the same as agreeing or appeasing—don’t just “collapse” and appease, or get defensive and push back.

  “Pretend you just landed on a new planet.” — Andy Tagle [13:02]

When Repair Gets Stuck

[14:42–17:24]

• Warning signs: If the listening partner collapses into self-blame or gets stuck in defensiveness (“grandiosity”), true repair is not happening.

• Sometimes, the five steps aren’t enough; it may signal deeper individual or relational wounds needing therapy or outside help.

  “There are going to be some wounds and some triggers that are just gonna be too hard for a simple five step process.” — Bea Voce [16:45]

• If your partner is genuinely attuning, but you still cannot move on, that may be your own work to do.

  “The only person that's going to be able to meet that in the way that you really need to be met is you.” — Bea Voce [17:24]

How Do You Know When You’re Done?

[18:14–20:26]

• Repair is complete when you feel a “softening”—your nervous system settles and you can reach out to your partner again, even if gradually.
• Signs: calmness, willingness to reconnect, an inside joke, or accepting a gesture of affection.
• Relationship repair is a muscle; it takes ongoing practice, not a one-and-done skill.

  “You would never go to the gym once and be like, wow, I nailed it. I don't need to go back again.” — Bea Voce [19:42]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------------|-------| | 00:49 | Bea Voce | “Repair to me is the single most important ingredient in what actually develops into healthy, long term, secure, functioning relationships.” | | 03:49 | Bea Voce | “Doing nothing is actually quite an active process.” | | 07:34 | Bea Voce | “If both of you are doing it at the same time, it’s a total mess. It doesn’t work.” | | 09:02 | Bea Voce | “There’s no space in relationship for objective reality. There are just two subjective experiences.” | | 13:02 | Andy Tagle | “Pretend you just landed on a new planet.” | | 19:42 | Bea Voce | “You would never go to the gym once and be like, wow, I nailed it. I don't need to go back again.” |

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [00:33] — The inevitability of conflict; introduction to Bea Voce
• [03:49] — Step 1: Do Nothing (regulation before repair)
• [06:08] — Step 2: One Person at a Time (“customer service” approach)
• [07:47] — Step 3: Speak using “I” statements and personal experience
• [10:33] — Step 4: Deep listening, “zip down your perspective”
• [11:20] — Step 5: Be an Anthropologist—curiosity and deep empathy
• [14:42] — What to do when the process isn’t working/when to seek help
• [17:24] — Recognizing your own work and individual healing
• [18:14] — What completion of the repair process feels like
• [19:42] — Ongoing practice—relationship fitness analogy

Recap: Five Steps to Repair (as summarized at [20:38])

1. Do Nothing: Pause and regulate yourself before re-engaging.
2. One at a Time: Take turns sharing perspectives.
3. Speak Subjectively: Use “I” statements, share your feelings and avoid blame.
4. Listen Deeply: Set your perspective aside, focus fully on your partner.
5. Be Curious: Use empathy to truly understand before moving back toward connection.

Tone & Takeaway

The episode is practical and compassionate, framed with humor and realism. It reassures listeners that conflict is normal and repair is a learnable, daily practice—a vital “muscle” for lasting intimacy.

Ideal For:
Anyone in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) who seeks concrete, empathetic advice for getting through fights and fostering true reconnection, not just peace-keeping.