Life Kit: How to Stop Overanalyzing Romantic Relationships

Hosted by Marielle Segarra | NPR | Released December 23, 2024

Everyone needs a little help being human, especially when it comes to navigating the complexities of romantic relationships. In this insightful episode of Life Kit, host Marielle Segarra delves into the challenges of overanalyzing romantic connections with the help of Alison Raskin, a writer, podcaster, and mental health advocate. Drawing from her book Overthinking About Navigating Romantic Relationships when You Have Anxiety, OCD, and/or Depression, Raskin offers expert advice on managing anxiety, OCD, and depression within the context of love and dating.

Understanding the Root of Overanalyzing

Marielle opens the discussion by highlighting a common human experience: the transformation from confident and relaxed to anxious and overthinking when romance enters the picture.

"Why is it that as humans we can be our most confident together, relaxed selves and then romance comes into the picture and we get weird." ([00:00])

Alison Raskin explains that romantic relationships uniquely demand vulnerability and intimacy, which can exacerbate insecurities and fears of rejection. These high stakes are compounded by societal messages that equate having a partner with self-worth.

"It's the most vulnerable... It taps into the societal messaging that we should always have a partner and that having a partner is a signal of your self-worth." ([00:35])

Mental Health and Romantic Relationships

Raskin shares her personal battles with anxiety, OCD, and depression—conditions that often co-occur—and how they influence her approach to relationships. She emphasizes that even individuals without these disorders can experience heightened anxiety in romantic contexts.

"Relationships and especially romantic relationships can sort of ignite anxiety in us, even if we don't necessarily have anxiety in other aspects of our lives." ([01:33])

Strategies to Manage Overanalyzing

Reworking Your Beliefs About Dating

Raskin advises examining and challenging unhelpful beliefs about dating. She suggests viewing dates not as high-stakes auditions but as opportunities to assess compatibility.

"I think dating as not winners and losers and rejects and popular people, but instead, maybe two people looking to see if they are compatible together." ([03:49])

This perspective helps alleviate the fear of rejection and reduces self-criticism after negative experiences. Recognizing that compatibility is not about one person being better than the other fosters a healthier approach to dating.

Dating Multiple People

To prevent becoming overly attached to a single relationship prematurely, Raskin recommends dating multiple people simultaneously during the early stages.

"Keeping your options open can really alleviate the kind of pressure that you're putting on the relationship you might be the most interested in." ([05:47])

This strategy helps maintain a balanced pace in relationships and prevents the undue pressure of seeing one relationship as "the one."

Limiting Conversations About Dating

Raskin suggests minimizing discussions about one's dating life with friends to reduce the mental pressure and constant rumination associated with it.

"If we can take a step back and instead say, I'm not really going to share until this is something worth sharing, then in our brain it's like, oh, okay." ([07:11])

By controlling the narrative internally rather than externalizing it, individuals can maintain better emotional equilibrium.

Navigating Intimacy with Mental Health Challenges

Impact of Anxiety, Depression, and OCD on Sex Lives

Raskin explores how anxiety, depression, and OCD can manifest in one's sexual relationships:

• Anxiety: Makes it difficult to stay present, needing additional efforts to connect physically.

  "It's pretty unlikely that once you get into the bedroom, you'll suddenly be a different person." ([08:39])

• Depression: Lowers desire and pleasure, making intimacy challenging.

  "Depression can really kind of affect our desire and our ability to feel pleasure." ([08:39])

• OCD: Varies widely, potentially triggering discomfort with sexual fluids or cleanliness.

  "Some people with OCD might have a fear of bodily fluids or prefer specific cleanliness standards." ([10:31])

Communicating Needs with Partners

Raskin emphasizes the importance of clear communication regarding one's mental health needs, tailored to the nature of the relationship.

"If this is just a fun hookup, then a simple request like 'strip before entering my bedroom' suffices. For serious relationships, deeper conversations outside the moment are beneficial." ([11:23])

Using humor and openness can also ease these discussions and foster understanding.

Recognizing Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

Raskin outlines key indicators of a mentally healthy relationship:

• Authenticity: Being able to be your true self without judgment.
• Supportiveness: Partners are kind, understanding, and willing to learn about each other's mental health.
• Positive Self-Perception: Feeling good about who you are when with your partner.

"A healthy relationship is one in which you feel like you can be your authentic self." ([12:37])

Conversely, if a relationship consistently brings out anxiety, fear, or insecurity, it may be unhealthy.

Understanding Relationship OCD (ROCD)

ROCD is a subset of OCD characterized by obsessive doubts about the appropriateness of a relationship. Raskin differentiates valid concerns from ROCD-driven fears by assessing the reality and present state of the relationship.

"Is this my person? Are we right for each other?" ([14:31])

Valid concerns are grounded in the present, such as differing life goals, whereas ROCD tends to involve unfounded worries about future incompatibilities.

Handling Breakups with Mental Health in Mind

Staying in Relationships Too Long

Raskin acknowledges that mental health issues can lead individuals to stay in unfulfilling relationships due to fears of being alone or feeling unworthy of love.

"Staying because you think you won't be able to find anyone else... holding on to them." ([16:41])

Ending Relationships Ethically

When deciding to end a relationship, Raskin advises focusing on ethical behavior—communicating clearly and respectfully without overanalyzing the other person's reaction.

"I can sit down with them in person, explain my reasoning, and maintain that I value and care about them as a person." ([18:01])

Self-Care After a Breakup

Post-breakup, Raskin emphasizes prioritizing self-care by focusing on personal grief rather than the sting of rejection. This involves disconnecting from the ex-partner and harmful habits to facilitate healing.

"Focus on the grief of the loss and the change rather than the rejection itself." ([19:39])

Key Takeaways

1. No One is Your Everything

   • Cultivate other relationships and community connections to alleviate the pressure on a single romantic relationship.

2. Control Conversations About Dating

   • Limit discussions about your dating life to maintain emotional balance and prevent overanalysis.

3. Date Multiple People Initially

   • Keep options open in early dating stages to reduce undue pressure on any single relationship.

4. Communicate Your Needs Clearly

   • Whether or not to disclose mental health disorders is personal, but clear communication about your preferences enhances mutual understanding.

5. Differentiate Between Valid Concerns and ROCD

   • Assess whether your relationship worries are based on present realities or driven by obsessive fears.

6. Handle Breakups with Ethical Considerations

   • Communicate respectfully, focus on your values, and prioritize self-care post-breakup.

7. Allow Yourself to Grieve

   • Embrace the grieving process to heal effectively, rather than fixating on feelings of rejection.

Produced by Sylvie Douglas
Fact-Checking by Claire Marie Schneider
Visuals Edited by Beck Harlan
Digital Edited by Malika Grebe
Supervising Editor: Megan Keane
Executive Producer: Beth Donovan
Engineering Support: Maggie Luther and Patrick Murray

For more tips on managing romantic relationships and other life skills, explore additional episodes of Life Kit at npr.org/LifeKit.