How to support a grieving friend

Summary

Life Kit: How to Support a Grieving Friend – Detailed Summary

Podcast Information:

• Title: Life Kit
• Host/Author: NPR
• Episode: How to Support a Grieving Friend
• Release Date: December 5, 2024
• Description: Life Kit provides practical advice on various aspects of being human, from everyday tasks to complex emotional support, featuring host Marielle Segarra and expert guests.

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Introduction: Understanding the Challenge of Supporting Grief

The episode opens with Marielle Segarra sharing a personal anecdote about a care package meant for a grieving friend but never sent. This sets the stage for discussing the complexities and challenges of supporting someone who is grieving.

Notable Quote:

“Don't be like me, folks.”
— Julia Furlan [00:42]

Section 1: The Overwhelming Nature of Grief

Marielle emphasizes that grief is an all-encompassing experience, making it difficult to know how to offer support. The initial awkwardness often leads to inaction, as illustrated by Julia Furlan's unsent care package.

Notable Quote:

“When you're grieving the loss of a loved one, I mean, it's overwhelming, right? It's all encompassing.”
— Marielle Segarra [01:30]

Section 2: Being a Witness to Grief

Dr. Mikael Harris, a psychologist and grief therapist, advises that supporting someone in grief isn't about finding the perfect words but about being a present witness to their experience.

Key Insights:

• Acknowledging the Loss: Bringing up the loved one who has passed can be comforting, contrary to the common tendency to avoid the topic.
• Sharing Memories: Encouraging the grieving to share stories fosters a supportive environment.

Notable Quote:

“One of the best things you can do... is to actually bring up the loss.”
— Dr. Mikael Harris [06:06]

Avi Wisnia's Insight:

“Remembering my brother and remembering my father... I always want to hear good things and memories of them.”
— Avi Wisnia [06:35]

Section 3: Avoiding Harmful Platitudes

The episode highlights the pitfalls of using clichéd phrases that can inadvertently minimize the griever's pain.

Common Platitudes to Avoid:

• “At least they're in a better place.”
• “Time heals all wounds.”
• “God makes no mistakes.”

Expert Advice: Instead of these phrases, offer authentic and specific expressions of sympathy.

Notable Quote:

“Avoid phrases or sayings that aren't specific to them.”
— Julia Furlan [09:52]

Effective Alternatives:

• “I love you.”
• “This is so hard, and I'm so sorry it's happening to you.”
• “I'm sorry.”

Marissa Renee Lee's Tip:

“Hey, I'm just thinking of you. No need to respond.”
— Marissa Renee Lee [11:35]

Section 4: Providing Practical Support

Grieving individuals often struggle with daily tasks. Offering tangible help can alleviate their immediate burdens.

Practical Ways to Help:

• Delivering Meals: Dropping off a lasagna or meals that can be frozen.
• Handling Chores: Taking out the trash, walking the dog, or doing the dishes.
• Errands: Picking up mail or running other necessary errands.

Avi Wisnia's Experience:

“My friends got me gift cards... It made that task so much easier.”
— Avi Wisnia [12:42]

Notable Quote from Dr. Harris:

“Delivering food, taking care of... all these different things.”
— Dr. Mikael Harris [13:39]

Section 5: Continuing Support Over Time

Grief doesn't follow a linear timeline. As initial support wanes, continued check-ins can provide ongoing comfort.

Key Points:

• Stay Connected: Reach out months or even years later with memories or shared experiences.
• Acknowledge Ongoing Grief: Understand that grief resurfaces in different forms over time.

Notable Quote:

“Grief is forever.”
— Julia Furlan [16:02]

Dr. Harris on Support Circles:

“A supervisor has a role to play, a coworker has a role to play...”
— Dr. Mikael Harris [18:35]

Section 6: Personal Stories and Authentic Support

Personal anecdotes illustrate the impact of genuine, simple gestures in supporting the grieving.

Marissa Renee Lee's Story: Marissa shares how a colleague's thoughtful gesture—a mix CD and candy—provided unexpected comfort during her own time of loss.

Avi Wisnia's Story: Avi recounts how a friend's offer to handle responsibilities allowed him to navigate his grief without additional stress.

Notable Quote:

“When somebody is grieving their world, their heart has a hole in it. And if you're supporting them, you're never going to fill that hole or make the pain go away.”
— Julia Furlan [21:10]

Key Takeaways

1. Witness the Grief: Acknowledge and bring up the loss to provide a space for the grieving to express themselves.
2. Avoid Platitudes: Steer clear of clichéd phrases; instead, offer specific and honest expressions of sympathy.
3. Provide Practical Support: Help with everyday tasks to alleviate the burden on the grieving individual.
4. Continue Reaching Out: Maintain support beyond the immediate aftermath of the loss, recognizing that grief is a long-term process.
5. Be Authentic: Tailor your support to the needs and preferences of the person grieving, staying true to your way of offering help.

Conclusion: Embracing Community in Grief

The episode underscores that supporting someone through grief is a communal effort, where everyone plays a role, no matter how small. Authenticity, consistency, and practical assistance are key to providing meaningful support.

Final Thought:

“Grief is forever, and your role might be showing up after six months or a year just to see how things are going.”
— Julia Furlan [17:14]

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Produced by: Margaret Serino
Edited by: Sylvie Douglas
Visuals Editor: Beck Harlan
Digital Editor: Malika Gharib
Supervising Editor: Meghan Cain
Executive Producer: Beth Donovan
Production Team: Andy Tagle, Claire Marie Schneider
Engineering Support: David Greenberg

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For more insights and episodes, visit NPR's Life Kit and subscribe to their newsletter for updates and additional resources.

Transcript

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[Marielle Segarra]

You're listening to Life Kit from npr. Hey everybody, it's Marielle. We're starting this episode in the top drawer of a dresser in reporter Julia Furlan's living room. In that drawer is a small decorative bag filled with a few little things.

[Julia Furlan]

Okay, here it is. I can't believe I found it. There's a pair of avocado socks. They're purple with little avocados. Fortune Teller Fish. It's a miracle Fish Night Garden Mix Hudson Valley Seed company Deep Cleansing Pink Clay Mud mask Doesn't say when it expires. That says you're my queen. Featuring the Queen of England in a flower crown. I bought this when the Queen of England had not died.

[Marielle Segarra]

It's a care package that Julia intended to send to her friend whose mom passed away in 2022.

[Julia Furlan]

This bag represents a total fail in supporting my friend.

[Marielle Segarra]

When you're grieving the loss of a loved one, I mean, it's overwhelming, right? It's all encompassing. And supporting someone through that can also be overwhelming and awkward. Like you don't know the right thing to say, which is why you might end up with a care package in your drawer that you haven't sent.

[Julia Furlan]

Don't be like me, folks.

[Marielle Segarra]

On today's episode of Life Kit, we're talking about how to support people in your life who are grieving. We're going to hear from experts and folks who've lost a loved one about the ways that grief affected them and what kind of support they wanted.

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[Julia Furlan]

From the online trends that dominated 2024 on the spectrum of brat to demure.

[Sponsor Voice]

Where are you right now?

[Julia Furlan]

To spicy TikTok viral reads these romance fantasy books about dragons. NPR kept you up to speed on pop culture all year long. Give back to the news source that just hits different by donating [e-mail] and thank you. I started my reporting by calling up one of my dearest friends, Avi Wisnia.

[Avi Wisnia]

How am I doing today? I'm okay.

[Julia Furlan]

Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah.

[Avi Wisnia]

This season, you know, is when I lost both my brother and my father.

[Julia Furlan]

So technically, I guess that means you're an expert. I'm sorry. And you're welcome.

[Avi Wisnia]

Yeah, that's a weird thing to be called an expert in grief, but I get it. I get it.

[Julia Furlan]

Avi lost his brother Dov to a brain tumor in 2012 and lost his dad, Eric last year.

[Avi Wisnia]

So it's really interesting, like the changing of the seasons itself brings out that time, like the time when my brother got sick and then the time when, like, finding out that, like, we suddenly lost my father. So it's strange to have it tied to, like, a season like that, when.

[Julia Furlan]

The leaves start falling. I always think about Avi's dad and brother, who were both incredibly charismatic people. And I think of how sometimes I felt a little uncomfortable about how to talk to him about these huge losses. Like, really, what could I ever say that would help?

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

I think sometimes as a supporter, there's a lot of pressure that you place on yourself because in your mind you may be thinking, I need to bring something. I need to say the right thing, I need to do this thing, when the truth is there's nothing right that you can do.

[Julia Furlan]

These wise words come from Dr. Mikael Harris, a psychologist and certified grief therapist and author of the book Relaxing Into Grief. And she says that supporting a person who's grieving isn't about saying the exact right thing at the exact right time. She says that supporting a grieving heart is about being a witness.

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

And because of that, one of the best things you can do, which this is going to sound, maybe paradoxical, is to actually bring up the loss.

[Julia Furlan]

Dr. Harris says that our intention might be to avoid the loss in conversation because we don't want our grieving friend to remember it. But avoiding the topic doesn't actually make it go away. So our first takeaway is to be a witness to the grief. Don't be afraid to bring up the person they lost. Avi actually said the same thing.

[Avi Wisnia]

Remembering my brother and remembering my father and hearing wonderful stories about them, like, I will never not want to hear that. I always want to hear good things and memories of them. Even if it makes me a little sad. I want to hear that, and I always appreciate it.

[Julia Furlan]

Grief is basically never over for a person who's lost someone they love. Their feelings about that loss unfurl throughout their life at their pace, and there's no specific timeline for that. So when you're supporting somebody and you feel awkward about how to bring it up, know that simply sharing a memory or making some space for them to talk about the person they lost is much better than avoiding it for fear of making them sad. Dr. Harris says even years or decades after a loss, they're still grieving that person in different ways and different moments. So chances are they're already thinking about the person they lost.

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

You can't bring something up that hasn't already been thought of. And as a matter of fact, what a beautiful gift to actually highlight the loss so that the person grieving can talk about it, which destigmatizes grief and loss as a whole.

[Julia Furlan]

And seeing someone in their grief doesn't mean you have to 100% understand what they're going through. It can be as simple as just saying it colloquially. Sometimes you say, oh, I can't imagine what you're going through. I mean, that's what I often say, just as a manner of speech. But Dr. Harris actually suggests that saying that you can imagine how hard it is might be a better way to share their grief.

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

So just to sort of give a tangible example of what witnessing is, just imagine if you and I were out, you know, on a beach, and I look out into the water and I say, gosh, can you. Can you see that in the distance? And you say, mikael, I can. I can see it, too. And we both sort of marvel at whatever that thing is out There.

[Julia Furlan]

I also just want to say right now that a person's relationship to who they're grieving can be messy. There could be trauma in the loss, or a relationship that was difficult in life that only feels more difficult after the person's passing. Acknowledging that complicated relationship or making space for a person to share about it is another way of witnessing. And just the same as you don't have to be the perfect supporter. The griever doesn't have to be perfect in their grief either. If you're feeling awkward or as if you don't know what to say, I think it can be helpful to have some basic do's and don'ts. Which brings us to our second takeaway. There are helpful and unhelpful things to say when a person is grieving. Now, everyone I spoke to for this episode felt misunderstood by one particular thing platitudes. What do you think people get wrong about grief?

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

Oh, goodness. I what immediately popped into my mind were cliches, right? So at least they're in a better place.

[Avi Wisnia]

When you say, like, oh, this happens for a reason. You like, I don't want my. Like, what was the reason my brother died? You know, that's like, not. It's. Sometimes it. It actually doesn't make you feel better.

[Julia Furlan]

At least they're in a better place. Time heals all wounds. Cliches are impersonal, and they don't always make the person who's grieving feel seen. Now, it's okay if you've said one of these things before. I think I've probably done it myself. Sometimes a cliche will fly out of your mouth before you even know it. But when you're trying to support someone who's grieving, try to avoid phrases or sayings that aren't specific to them. Here are two things that you can avoid. First, anything that starts with at least, even if you don't mean to, that could really minimize the person's suffering. Same goes for it could be worse. Remember, this could be the worst moment of their lives. They don't want to think about what could be worse. This is it. This is the worst part. The second thing to avoid is something like God makes no mistakes. It might seem helpful, but to anyone who would prefer to, you know, be sitting with their loved one alive in that moment, it doesn't feel great to think about what kinds of things God did or didn't do on purpose. Now, here are some of the things that might be better to say. You can say I love you. You can say this is so hard, and I'm so sorry it's happening to you. Or you could simply say, I'm sorry. Ultimately, the exact words don't matter as much as being authentic, specific, and honest. And if you want to tell them that you don't have the right words but that you care about them, that's a great place to start. I spoke to Marissa Renee Lee, who's a grief expert and author of the book Grief is Love. Marissa says that there's a particular phrase that you can put in your text message that can really make people feel cared for.

[Marissa Renee Lee]

Hey, I'm just. I'm thinking of you. You know, I just want to see how you're doing. No need to respond.

[Julia Furlan]

No need to respond. If you reach out and you make it clear that you're thinking of them, but they don't need to do anything, that can really lift a weight.

[Marissa Renee Lee]

I don't think I realized how much it mattered to other people, that specific framing of you don't need to respond until someone else called me out on it and told me how much it meant to them that, you know, they knew that I was there, but they didn't feel any obligation or responsibility or judgment or guilt around communicating what they were feeling.

[Julia Furlan]

Whether you're near or far from the grieving person, if you just release the other person from the pressure to respond, you're pouring your care into their well and you're not taking anything from it, which is the point. One thing that all of the experts I spoke to stressed is that in the moment of grief, it can be really helpful to think about the person's immediate needs.

[Avi Wisnia]

My friends got me gift cards when my dad died. And it was like gift cards to, you know, like food delivery service to a specific place, or just anytime I needed a meal. And I didn't even realize that I didn't have the energy to cook. I didn't have anything in the house, and it took that task. It made it so much easier.

[Julia Furlan]

Avi said that when you're grieving, basic tasks can feel almost impossible.

[Avi Wisnia]

You know, like when you do a physical activity or you're at work all day or you go on a hike, it takes energy out of you. And it feels like when you are grieving, you are just sapped of energy. Even if you're not doing anything, Grief takes energy.

[Julia Furlan]

And that leads us to our third takeaway. Take care of some of the basic logistics for the person that you're supporting.

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

Delivering food, taking care of, cutting the lawn, walking a dog, picking up mail, dropping clothes off at cleaners.

[Julia Furlan]

As my dad sometimes says, kiss. Keep it simple, stupid. You don't need to find the most perfect card or gift. It might just be enough to drop off a lasagna at their front door. Marissa says that in terms of support, grieving and welcoming new life have a lot in common.

[Marissa Renee Lee]

If your best friend has a baby, think about the things that you would do for them in that moment. You know, you might leave a meal, you might show up and hold the baby for a little while so they can take a shower or brush their teeth or whatever. And also think about the things that you would or would not expect from them.

[Julia Furlan]

Crucially, all of the experts I spoke with expressed this idea of expectation. Expect that the person is going to be unable to do some pretty basic stuff. So the things that you can offer can be pretty basic as well. If you come over to their house, maybe take out their trash or offer to walk their dog, do a load of dishes. If you see them in the sink, do something practical.

[Marissa Renee Lee]

Take their kid out so that they can cry alone. Take their dog for a walk, drop off a meal. Ideally something that can be frozen or saved for a future date. Because a lot of people bring food, clean their house. Like, do something that makes living easier for them.

[Julia Furlan]

Make living easier for the person who's grieving. That feels simple. Avi told a story about our friend Emily. Hi, Emily. Shout out to you. So Avi's a musician, and our friend Emily helped him realize that he wasn't going to be able to play a gig just days after his dad had died.

[Avi Wisnia]

And she said, you know, if you. If you need to cancel, like, that's okay. And I woke up that morning and I just. I felt like I couldn't do it.

[Julia Furlan]

Emily's voice was in Avi's head, reminding him that people would understand that he needed time.

[Avi Wisnia]

I just called her and I said, can you just call them and make sure it's taken care of? Like, I didn't want to leave them an alert, but I can't have that conversation.

[Julia Furlan]

So Emily called and explained the situation, and it was all okay.

[Avi Wisnia]

And it just. The relief I felt after knowing that I could lean on somebody in that way.

[Julia Furlan]

The most meaningful actions don't have to be huge when they show the person that you really care about them. Another thing that Dr. Harris mentioned is that when you're in grief, you might be having to make logistical choices that are just really challenging.

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

You're having to make decisions about funeral homes and services and hosting and all these different things. Financial decisions that there's so much going on that it's such a gift to literally have a truncated choice.

[Julia Furlan]

So as you're handling logistics, offer the person just a very simple choice so that they don't even have to think. Say something like, hey, do you want me to send you dinner? Or take your dog for a walk? And then they can say exactly what they need. And if you're not the kind of friend who does dishes or has a killer baked ziti, that's fine. Maybe they need you to come over and play video games or watch several hours of reality television. Whatever it is, stay true to who you are. And if you can take down the recycling on your way out the door, go for it. To any of you who maybe forgot to mail something the week after the funeral and have been kicking yourselves, I have news for you. Grief is forever. And that brings us to our next takeaway. Keep reaching out and offering your support.

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

So often after someone dies in that first week, two weeks, month, we're getting phone calls, we're getting texts, we're getting meals. People are stopping by. And then, typically, as time goes on, because life is continuing to move forward, the social support actually dwindles. And to the grieving heart, that can be devastating. Because if you think about this, this is another loss.

[Julia Furlan]

After that last casserole has been thawed and things are a little quieter. The person who's grieving has still lost somebody. And your role might be showing up after six months or a year just to see how things are going. So if you have a memory of the person that they lost or you come across a picture, go ahead and share it with them. Okay, I am at the post office, and in the interest of full transparency, I'm mailing the care package. Sure, it's been two and a half years, but why would I make this episode if I wasn't going to take my own advice? All right, the thing has been mailed. You will be surrounded by people who are grieving at work, at school, and in your various friend and family groups. And in a perfect world, maybe the kind of world I want to live in, grief is a community task, and it's okay to play your role in it. Dr. Harris talked about it as a ring of concentric circles.

[Dr. Mikael Harris]

And as you think about that person grieving at the center and then sort of moving out into these other levels of care, these circles, it really is beautiful when we fashion it that way because we realize that a supervisor has a role to play, a coworker has a role to play. Siblings have a role to play. The neighbor has a role to play.

[Julia Furlan]

Depending on your relationship to the person who's grieving, you can show up the way that it makes sense. Marissa told me a story about when she lost her mom. She was barely 25 and working on Wall Street. There was another woman on the team who was a bit younger than Marissa, but this woman had lost a brother, so she knew how grief worked.

[Marissa Renee Lee]

And so when I came back to work, and this is one of those things that even all these years later, I still get choked up over because it was just so sweet. But one of the things that was left at my desk was a mix CD that she made for me, because, again, this was a long time ago, folks. And some candy.

[Julia Furlan]

You don't have to be somebody's best friend in the world to reach out when they're grieving. In fact, you could be the kind of person who makes Marissa happy. Cry about Sour Patch Kids. More than a decade later, it was authentic.

[Marissa Renee Lee]

To me, to her, to our relationship, which wasn't super deep. You know, she didn't leave me a letter that was three pages long about how much she loved me and loved my mom because she couldn't do that.

[Julia Furlan]

Making a small gesture that says, I see you can really make an impression on the person who's grieving. Avi's brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2007 at 28 years old. And he had a surgery where they got most of it, which, at the time seemed pretty good.

[Avi Wisnia]

And I remember talking with him after the surgery, and I asked him, so what, like, happened to that part of your brain where, like, the tumor was? Does it just, like, fill back in? And he said, no, there's just, like, a hole there.

[Julia Furlan]

Five years later, the tumor came back, and it was inoperable. So Avi's brother Dov slowly lost his ability to function.

[Avi Wisnia]

And then he died. I realized, like, wow, there's this hole in my heart that will never be filled in, and it will always be there. And I'm just going to have to walk through life with this hole in my heart and figure out how to function with it.

[Julia Furlan]

When somebody is grieving their world, their heart has a hole in it. And if you're supporting them, you're never going to fill that hole or make the pain go away. But you can be there to witness it and hold that pain, knowing that you don't have to be perfect. Let's look at the ways of supporting folks in your life who are grieving. Takeaway 1 Witness the grief and don't be afraid to bring up the person that they lost. Takeaway 2 saying something can feel awkward. Avoid platitudes and be as specific as possible, even if it's simple. Takeaway 3 Give practical support as much as you can. Takeaway 4 Keep reaching out over time. Everyone has a role to play in supporting the grieving person. So Avi is a musician and songwriter, so I asked him for a song that might play us out that speaks to the grief that he carries. So to all of you who are grieving and supporting grief, this is for you.

[Marielle Segarra]

That was reporter Julia Furlan. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got one on saying goodbye to someone you love and another on dealing with uncertainty. You can find [e-mail] LifeKit and if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our [e-mail] LifeKitnewsletter Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email [e-mail] this episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Serino. It was edited by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Meghan Cain is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle and Claire Marie Schneider. Engineering support comes from David Greenberg. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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