How to support a loved one through cancer treatment

Summary

Life Kit (NPR) – "How to Support a Loved One Through Cancer Treatment" (October 7, 2025)

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Episode Overview

Host Marielle Segarra, herself a recent cancer survivor, dedicates this episode to practical and empathetic ways listeners can support a loved one undergoing cancer treatment. Drawing on her own experience and those of other survivors, supporters, and health professionals, Marielle focuses on actionable advice, emotional insights, and the importance of personalized caregiving. The episode aims to demystify support roles, offer concrete tips, and caution against common missteps, making it a resource for anyone seeking to show up for someone with cancer.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Support Looks Different for Everyone (03:46, 04:05)

• Marielle’s Core Philosophy: Allow people to help in the ways that come naturally to them, and don’t expect someone to fill a role they aren’t suited for.
  • “I just tried to let people help in the way that came naturally to them and not expect things from people that they didn't naturally offer…” — Marielle Segarra (03:46)
• Takeaway #1: Identify your own strengths. Are you a good listener, a planner, have medical knowledge, or simply good company? Offer help in those areas.

2. Practical Support: Appointment Buddies, Chemo Companions, Task Assistance (05:31–09:40)

• Being an Appointment Buddy: Go to doctor appointments, take notes, ask questions, and provide logistical support.
  • “Basically, I acted almost as a producer for her.” — Zoe Saunders (06:05)
  • “A couple of doctor friends went with her to the early appointments as sort of patient advocates…” — Rich Coker (06:56)
• Chemo/Radiation Support:
  • Presence during long and difficult infusion sessions is crucial. Sometimes that means simply being there in silence.
  • “Maybe somebody who's comfortable with just being, you know, just being there.” — Indira White (08:14)
• Aftermath Support: Bring comfort foods, small gifts, and physical closeness as appropriate.
  • “She sat on the floor and held my hand.” — Marielle Segarra (08:52)

3. Organizing Help and Caring for the Caregivers (09:40–12:35)

• Community Coordination: Setting up WhatsApp groups, meal trains, carpools, etc.
  • “Their friend created a WhatsApp group and a calendar where people could sign up to take our kids to their activities…” — Rich Coker (09:40)
• Supporting the Patient’s Family: Consider partners, children, and caretakers in your support.
  • “Colleagues… made my photocopies so I could get home earlier, covered my home room…” — Rich Coker (12:14)
• Takeaway #2: Tailor your help to the individual’s personality and preferences, and look for practical resources they may appreciate.

4. Personalizing and Listening: Touch, Comfort Items, Emotional Tailoring (12:35–13:45)

• Attune to physical needs: Some people love gifts like comfortable sheets, soft bathrobes, cool fans, or soothing balms for post-chemo symptoms.
  • “Little handheld fans can be helpful too.” — Marielle Segarra (12:35)
  • “Her friend gifted her a super soft furry bathrobe.” — Deborah Jarvis (13:19)

5. Taking Initiative is Better than Asking (15:08–18:11)

• Don’t Wait to Be Asked: People in crisis are overwhelmed and may not know what to request.
  • “Rather than asking what can I do, make a specific offer.” — Marielle Segarra (15:52)
• Actions Over Words: Do chores, drop off meals, walk the dog, or offer massages—take practical burdens off the patient.
  • “She'll start folding something or doing the dishes or just tidying something up. And that was really helpful.” — Indira White (15:43)
  • “She told me maybe she thought it would be nice for me to start with some new clothes, with my new body. She didn't try to make it better. She just sat with me in my grief…” — Liesl Christensen (17:39)

6. Emotional Attunement and What Not to Say (18:11–22:49)

• Takeaway #4: Presence and listening are more important than advice or silver linings; don’t impose your agenda.
  • “Your agenda should be, I'm going to be with you and be totally present in this moment to whatever comes up.” — Deborah Jarvis (18:55)
• Ask, Wait, Listen:
  • “Hey, so where are you with all this today?...wait a little more and then the real answer might come out.” — Deborah Jarvis (19:28)
• What Not to Do:
  • Don’t focus discussion on people who died of the same cancer.
    • “It's really unhelpful...to talk about people you know who have died of your cancer. I'm like, holy Jesus, God and all the saints, what are you thinking?” — Deborah Jarvis (20:18)
  • Don’t pepper them with medical questions, or force meanings/’growth’ narratives.
    • “Don't tell me who, who has died of this cancer…or telling somebody how they're going to feel…” — Deborah Jarvis (20:45, 21:14)
• Ultimate Advice: Be a 'Listening Heart':
  • “The best advice I can offer is not to offer advice, but to be as King Solomon...to be a lev shomea, a hearing heart. That is, listen with your heart.” — Ruth Gase (22:14)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Some folks are great listeners...some folks are great planners...some have medical training or connections...I tried to let people use theirs.”
  — Marielle Segarra (04:05)
• “She told me maybe she thought it would be nice for me to start with some new clothes, with my new body. She didn't try to make it better. She just sat with me in my grief…”
  — Liesl Christensen (17:39)
• “You may not always know what to say to your friend, but curiosity is a good start.”
  — Marielle Segarra (20:09)
• “The best advice I can offer is not to offer advice, but to be as King Solomon...to be a lev shomea, a hearing heart.”
  — Ruth Gase (22:14)

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Key Takeaways Recap (22:49)

1. Identify Your Strengths as a Helper: Lean into your natural abilities.
2. Match Help to the Individual: Consider their preferences and unique situation.
3. Take Initiative: Make specific, actionable offers instead of asking broad questions.
4. Be Present and Listen: Support through attentive presence, not advice or platitudes.

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Useful Timestamps

• [03:46] Let people help in their own way
• [05:31] The "appointment buddy" role
• [08:14] The importance of just being present
• [09:40] Organizing support systems
• [12:35] Thinking about caregivers and tailored comfort
• [15:08] Taking initiative instead of asking
• [18:55] Being present and emotionally attuned
• [20:18] What not to say or ask
• [22:14] “Listening heart” wisdom
• [22:49] Takeaway recap

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This episode is both validating and practical for anyone who wants to support a loved one through cancer. It encourages listeners to show up authentically, take real tasks off people's plates, and listen with empathy—reminding us that small, thoughtful actions matter most when someone is facing serious illness.

Transcript

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[Marielle Segarra]

You'Re listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, it's Marielle. I finished treatment for cancer a little over a year ago. Around that time, I was finally feeling well enough to take a trip, and I went to Arizona for a few days to be in nature, see some cactuses. My friend Zoe Saunders texted me while I was there. She knew someone else whose friend had the same kind of cancer that I did. So Zoe asked me, what advice did I have as someone who just finished treatment, what was helpful and what wasn't. I sent her this voice memo. Hey, I am sitting in the red rocks of Sedona right now.

[Indira White]

It's really beautiful here.

[Marielle Segarra]

I wanted to answer your question, though. Yeah, I know I sound kind of dreamy and dazed. Sedona is a spiritual place, and a moment before, I'd just been sitting quietly meditating on life and death. I had some specific suggestions for Zoe and I, and also a big picture one. I found that for me, going through it, I just tried to let people help in the way that came naturally to them and not expect things from people that they didn't naturally offer, if that makes any sense. Like, sometimes we want people to fill a role in our life that they're not, like, naturally good at, but they're good at other things. The voice memo went on for a couple minutes, but after I sent it, we both realized this was kind of a mini episode of Life Kit. So let's make that official. Yeah. On this episode of Life Kit, how to help someone who's going through cancer treatment. About 39% of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives, according to the National Cancer Institute. So it will probably happen to someone you love and want to show up for. I learned a lot going through treatment, and I'm going to share some of my tips with you, plus advice from other people who've had cancer or supported someone with it. Because when you love someone with cancer or another serious illness, all you want to do is help. But you might not know how. This episode is for you.

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[Marielle Segarra]

Okay, before we jump into the episode, I want to share some other exciting things that Life Kit is working on. There is a staggering amount of credit card debt in America. $1.21 trillion in 2025 to be exact. And even if your credit card debt is a much, much smaller number, it can feel like it might as well be in the trillions. So we made a special newsletter series to help you tackle your credit card debt. We'll walk you through everything from tracking your spending to picking a debt payment plan you'll actually stick to. You can sign [e-mail] credit card debt or you could find the link in the description for this episode. Like I said to Zoe, when I went through treatment, I tried to let people offer help in a way that came naturally to them, and I tried not to resent anyone for the things they didn't do. You know, some folks are great listeners and they know how to give you that warm, cozy emotional support. Some folks are great planners or they're super practical. Some have medical training or connections, and they can help you get appointments with the right doctors. We all have strengths. I tried to let people use theirs. So Takeaway one For the people supporting someone with cancer, think about what you're good at and what you in particular might offer your person at this moment. If you're not sure where to start, consider some of the things this person might need help with. For instance, you could offer to be a doctor appointment buddy. I brought someone with me to every appointment. In the early days I was meeting with lots of doctors getting second and third opinions, and I wanted someone there who could take notes, ask follow up questions, and be relatively unemotional about the whole thing. So I asked some Friends who were audio producers. Zoe came to my first appointment with my surgeon.

[Zoe Saunders]

I wasn't quite sure what to expect, so I brought a Mary Poppins bag full of every possible emergency supply we could need. I brought extra masks, like Covid protection masks. I brought hand sanitizer. I brought a lot of tissues. I. I brought some snacks, and I brought some chocolates as a treat to reward her for being brave through this appointment.

[Marielle Segarra]

We prepared a list of questions ahead of time. And then when we went into the appointment, she let me take the lead.

[Zoe Saunders]

But at the very end, when Marielle had finished asking everything, she looked at me and asked, anything else? And I was able to look down the list and say, oh, we wanted to double check about the dosage of that medication. Or we wanted to ask about potential conflicts between these two different treatments or what side effects we might have to worry about. So basically, I acted almost as a producer for her.

[Marielle Segarra]

She also typed up her notes and sent them to me later. And when I sent her medical journal articles comparing different treatment options, she'd read through them and put together some bullet points, takeaways from my situation, and questions the articles raised. If you think you're the kind of person who would do well as an appointment buddy, offer your services. You might be especially well suited if you do have a medical background. Rich Coker's wife, Maya, was diagnosed with cancer in 2024.

[Rich Coker]

A couple of doctor friends went with her to the early appointments as sort of patient advocates, asking the questions we wouldn't know to ask in our shock at the news and the newness to these systems.

[Marielle Segarra]

You could also go with your person to their scans or surgeries or radiation or chemo appointments. These will be a bit different from a standard doctor's appointment because they're less about asking questions and taking notes and more about providing emotional and physical support and advocating for them as needed. Everybody's experience is different, but when I did chemo, I was there for seven hours. I used something called a cold cap to preserve my hair follicles, and it was absolutely freezing and heavy. It felt like having a frozen bowling ball strapped to my head. I was in pain and I was cold, so it was important to have someone there who was comfortable touching me and cuddling up with me to warm me up, and who wasn't afraid to talk to a nurse and be a little pushy if I wasn't getting the medication I needed. I also wanted someone who could make me laugh and who wouldn't be uncomfortable when I started praying the rosary. So I Had four infusions, and I brought my mom, my dad, my godmother, and my cousin. Indira White was diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2023. Her friend Kathy came to her infusions. She says she could talk to Kathy for hours, but also during chemo.

[Indira White]

Sometimes you don't feel like talking. Like, a lot of the times, you know, I slept or I just was so tired that I couldn't even do that. So maybe somebody who's comfortable with just being, you know, just being there.

[Marielle Segarra]

So these are some of the qualities you might want to have if you're going to chemo or other procedures with someone. Another bit of help you could offer is to be with this person during their low moments after surgeries or infusions.

[Indira White]

When those side effects start to hit and it's ugly, there's a certain kind of person who can handle that and be okay with that.

[Marielle Segarra]

For this, you kind of have to have a strong stomach. You might see blood or burns. You might see the person just completely wiped out. I did chemo on Fridays and the Mondays after were always the hardest for me. I had a friend who would come by and bring me lentil soup because I was craving it. And it's creamy, which often feels good after chemo when you develop mouth sores and lose your sense of taste. She brought me little presents, like a headscarf with pasta shapes on it. And as I lay on the couch, she sat on the floor and held my hand. Ask yourself, are you able to be that friend? It's okay if the answer is no. We've got other ideas for you, too. Are you good at organizing and planning? Rich says when his wife Maya got sick, their friend created a WhatsApp group and a calendar where people could sign.

[Rich Coker]

Up to take our kids to their activities or go with my wife to appointments and chemotherapy treatments.

[Marielle Segarra]

Another friend started a meal train that's been going on and off through a year of chemo and surgeries for Maya.

[Rich Coker]

And people keep signing up. We even had complaints that people couldn't get on quickly enough to claim a spot. When we let folks know that drop offs were great, but staying for dinner, especially with their own kids, was even better because it gave our kids someone to play with. People came through with that, too.

[Marielle Segarra]

Other ideas, if you have a car, offer to drive your person to appointments or procedures. If you don't mind making phone calls, help them make appointments and deal with medical billing offices. If you live far away, send them a card. Tell them what you love about them.

[Deborah Jarvis]

It's helpful to have people say, you know, I've always admired you for your fill in the blank, your strength, your humor, your whatever.

[Marielle Segarra]

This is Deborah Jarvis. She hosts a podcast called the Final say, Conversations with People Facing Death. She's also a hospital chaplain in Seattle, and she had breast cancer.

[Deborah Jarvis]

People tend to feel crappy about themselves when they get a diagnosis, even though you know, and I know you don't bring this on yourself. But having someone just give you some honest and authentic compliments, especially when you're getting all of this kind of negative news about your health. So that was really helpful.

[Marielle Segarra]

You can also send gift cards for food delivery or have a meal delivered to their house when you know they're home. And of course, if you live nearby, you can drop the food off. While you're thinking about what help you can offer, you should also consider who your friend is, what they like, what they what kind of help they'd be willing to accept, and also the specifics of their situation that they shared with you. That's takeaway. Two I have one friend who went through cancer treatment and she's really independent. She doesn't like having friends buy her things or do things for her, but she does like to hear about smart hacks and free services and other practical advice. If you have a friend like this, look for resources they might appreciate. You know, this group offers free house cleaning services for folks with cancer. Or this one offers free haircuts as your hair falls out or grows back again after chemo. Also consider the other people who are taking care of your friend day to day. Their partners, parents, children, and others. What do you know about them and the kind of support they need? Rich teaches high school, and he says his colleagues know him. They know that he cares deeply about his students, so they didn't tell him to just take it easy last year when his wife was sick and, you know, do what he could.

[Rich Coker]

Instead, they would regularly stop by and offer to take on what they could to ensure that our students learning never suffered and our standards could stay high. They made my photocopies so I could get home earlier, covered my home room so I could get my own kids to school. One teacher even took some of my grading home over the weekend so students could have prompt feedback on a Monday when I wouldn't be in.

[Marielle Segarra]

You also want to listen carefully when the person who has cancer tells you how they're feeling and what feels good to them right now, because that'll give you some ideas. Sometimes people going through chemo love sour candy because they can taste it despite losing some of their sense of taste in the week or so after an infusion. Women who have chemo often get severe hot flashes because the chemo puts their body into a chemically induced menopause. Zoe heard me talk about that and bought me a set of bamboo sheets that are cool to the touch. Little handheld fans can be helpful too. When Deborah had a mastectomy, she didn't realize how sensitive her scar would be.

[Deborah Jarvis]

And plus I had a port, so ooh, that's sensitive too. And I had a regular fleece robe and it felt too scratchy.

[Marielle Segarra]

As a surprise, her friend gifted her a super soft furry bathrobe. Basically, you want to think about this person's lived experience. What is their body feeling like? What are they actually about to go through, and what can you do to prop them up at this time? After the break, we'll have more tips on how to help someone you love through cancer treatment.

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[Marielle Segarra]

A lot of the time when a friend is sick, we ask them questions like what do you need? Or how can I help? The thing is, that person is going through a moment of crisis. They have a million decisions to make about their health. Which surgeries should I do? Am I going to do chemo? Which doctor or hospital do I trust the most? They may not have the time or mental capacity to think about how you can help them. So if you want to support someone with cancer, take initiative. That's takeaway three When Indy's friend visited her during treatment. She didn't wait for someone to tell her what chores needed doing. She just got to work.

[Indira White]

We're just hanging out and she'll start folding something or doing the dishes or just tidying something up. And that was really helpful.

[Marielle Segarra]

This is one of the biggest gifts you can give to someone who's going through cancer treatment to take on some of their day to day mental load. We talked about food. Offering to bring over dinner is another great way to do this. That saves the person a trip to the grocery store and the energy of cooking. But it also saves them having to think through, what am I going to eat tonight? In general, rather than asking what can I do, make a specific offer. Say, hey, I'm in your neighborhood and I have 30 minutes. Can I come do a load of laundry for you? Can I come by and walk the dog? I'd love to bring you a smoothie.

[Indira White]

I have some friends who offer to rub my feet and I'm like, yes, please. I don't think it's something I would have asked for, but I'm like, yes, I absolutely need that. Thank you for offering.

[Marielle Segarra]

And you don't need to be nearby to take initiative. A lot of people would ask for my address and then just send me a care package. I did the same when one of my family members was diagnosed with breast cancer. I sent her a bra that zips in the front, making it easier to put on and take off right after surgery. And I sent a salve made with calendula and olive oil, which I found really soothing for radiation burns. Another example of someone taking initiative. Liesl Christensen was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago when she was 37. She had a double mastectomy and decided to go flat after because of the risk of complications with reconstruction. A week after her surgery, she was at a low point.

[Liesl Christensen]

I felt like a monster. Nothing was cheering me up. I was the most depressed. I had been through the entire process. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to run or smile or be with anyone. Everything reminded me of what I had lost. I questioned my choice and my decision. I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.

[Marielle Segarra]

One night, a friend came by with a gift for her. Her friend had been widowed twice and was familiar with deep grief.

[Liesl Christensen]

She had gone to the store and bought me new cute tank tops, pajamas, robes and beautiful coverups. She did this without asking. She told me maybe she thought it would be nice for me to start with some new clothes, with my new body. She didn't try to make it better. She just sat with me in my grief and gave me something for a fresh start. That was exactly what I needed in that very low moment. I am so grateful she was able to understand that I needed someone who was comfortable being with me as I grieved. And not waiting for me to ask them for things, but jumping up and making something happen.

[Marielle Segarra]

One of the things I think is beautiful about that story is that Liesl's friend didn't try to fix everything for her. She made a simple gesture, but it meant so much. And that's partly because she showed up and she was present. That brings me to our final takeaway. We've talked a lot about what you can do and bring to your friend. But when you're there, what do you actually talk about? Takeaway 4. Remember, you're there to support the other person. Don't impose your feelings and fears on them or think you have to fix everything. When you love someone and they're in pain, you might feel the impulse to make everything better or offer them the perfect pearl of wisdom. But Deborah says we need to meet people where they are that day.

[Deborah Jarvis]

Your agenda should be, I'm going to be with you and be totally present in this moment to whatever comes up.

[Marielle Segarra]

When you go through a health crisis like this, your mood and your perspective on the situation is gonna shift depending on the day. Some days you need a cheerleader who's like, come on, you can do this. And some days that's gonna annoy the crap out of you. Some days you want a friend to give you practical advice, and other days you just want them to listen. So if you're the person supporting someone with cancer, Debra suggests that you ask a simple question when you talk to them.

[Deborah Jarvis]

I would say something kind of general and innocuous like, hey, so where are you with all this today? And then just wait and they may give you an answer. And then I would say, wait a little more and then the real answer might come out. I just recently, last week, talked to a friend who has stage four lung cancer. Diagnosed like six weeks ago. Stage four, like, boom, she's great. She said, I'm great. I got so much community support and you know, this is happening. And so and so brought me that. And I could just tell, okay, that's where we're going to be today.

[Marielle Segarra]

You may not always know what to say to your friend, but curiosity is a good start. Meanwhile, Deborah says there are some things not to say.

[Deborah Jarvis]

It's really unhelpful. I can't believe I actually had this happen to talk about people, you know, who have died of your cancer. I'm like, holy Jesus, God and all the saints, what are you thinking? And this one woman just went into this gruesome detail, like, why are you telling me that? So don't tell me who, who has died of this cancer.

[Marielle Segarra]

Deborah says it's also not helpful to ask someone a million questions about how they found their cancer or whether they have a family history when what you're really trying to do, your own fears that you're going to get cancer.

[Deborah Jarvis]

You know, like, did you get a BRCA test? Did you get this?

[Zoe Saunders]

Did you?

[Deborah Jarvis]

It's like, that doesn't matter what is really going on with you?

[Marielle Segarra]

And she says it's not helpful to tell people what their experience means and how they're going to feel. She had somebody say to her, oh.

[Deborah Jarvis]

Well, now you're going to start thinking about death and you're going to know what life really means. And you know, this is your spiritual wake up call. And I mean, keep in mind that at that point, yeah, I'd been a hospital chaplain for like 30 years. I'm like, dude, I would so choke you to death, but I can't raise my right arm, you know, just like, what? Or telling somebody how they're going to feel, you know, like, oh, during this you're going to just feel so grateful for your health care and your nurses and your doctors. No, you may just be really pissed off about the whole thing.

[Marielle Segarra]

Remember, you don't have to be the person who makes this all better for someone or who says that one thing that's so wise, it gives them an entirely new perspective. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Ruth Gase is a rabbi and a board certified chaplain. She's listened to many stories from cancer patients and their families over the years.

[Ruth Gase]

The best advice I can offer is not to offer advice, but to be as King Solomon, who asked that God grant him the courage and generosity to be a lev shomea, a hearing heart. That is listen with your heart. Bring meals and whatever physical comfort is required. But number one, listen. Just listening can be scary. Be forewarned. You may not find solace, but so be it. Be that hearing heart, you will be a blessing.

[Marielle Segarra]

Okay, it's time for a recap. Takeaway 1. For the people supporting someone with cancer, think about what you're good at and what you in particular might offer them at this moment. Takeaway 2. While you're thinking about what help you can offer. Also consider who this person is, what they like, what kind of help they'd be willing to accept, and the specifics of their situation that they shared with you. Takeaway 3 if you want to support someone with cancer, take Initiative and Takeaway 4 Remember you're there to support them. Don't impose your feelings and fears on them or think you have to fix everything. And that's our show. By the way, did you know that Life Kit has its own newsletter? We have so many smart, supportive listeners that send us amazing tips and they're often featured. If you want to be a part of that community, [e-mail] LifeKitnewsletter this episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Griebe. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle, Margaret Serino and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Tiffany Vera Castro. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thank you for listening.

[Ruth Gase]

Foreign.

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