Life Kit (NPR): "How to Talk About Death and Dying"

Host: Marielle Segarra
Guest: JS Park, Hospital Chaplain
Date: December 22, 2025

Episode Overview

In this thought-provoking episode, Marielle Segarra delves into the deeply uncomfortable — but inevitable — topic of death and dying. Together with JS Park, a hospital chaplain known for his compassionate frontline work with the dying and their families, Life Kit explores why Americans avoid candid discussions about dying, what the real dying process is like (as opposed to Hollywood portrayals), and how we might better support those at the end of life or facing loss. The conversation not only demystifies the dying process but also provides practical advice for showing up for loved ones and for ourselves.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why We Avoid Talking About Dying

[06:14 - 08:12]

• Death is sanitized or avoided in American culture: Marielle reflects on a personal experience with death’s stark reality in Italy, acknowledging how unsettling and rarely discussed or prepared for it is.
• JS Park points out the role of cliches:

  “Cliches, platitudes, one liners, the spiritual bypassing, because they were completely glossing over this person's pain, their suffering, their illness, their injury, their fear... now when I see that person saying that, ...what I see is almost like this existential panic that now the entire room is faced with their frailty and mortality. So it's a way of self soothing.” — JS Park (07:12)

2. The Reality of Dying in the Hospital

[09:02 - 15:12]

• Physical changes can be shocking:
  • Family members can be startled by changes in appearance, machines, and the sounds during the dying process.

    “When I try to prepare them for the shock...because maybe they just saw them that morning talking completely okay, and now they're laying sideways or they're intubated..." — JS Park (09:20)

  • Preparing others with gentle honesty helps transfer compassion:

    "...that softness is passed on. Just that little bit of disclaimer, just that little bit of language and cushioning and tenderness around it." — JS Park (10:13)

• Direct questions help:
  • Examples: What should I expect? Are they conscious? How do they look or smell? (11:00-11:36)
• Breathing and bodily functions:
  • Agonal (last) breaths may sound distressing but are normal as the body tries to survive.

    “...even agonal breathing, those last breaths that a body takes, it sounds like gasping, because it is. This body is still trying to live even as it's dying...” — JS Park (12:07)

• Physical deterioration:
  • Long hospital stays mean loved ones may not be ‘themselves,’ sometimes looking aged or severely unwell.

    “It's almost like your body is trying on death before it dies.” — JS Park (14:00)

3. Self-compassion for the Dying

[15:12 - 16:31]

• Many feel shame in being seen unwell:
  • Dying people often hesitate to let others visit, fearing the loss of dignity.
• Let people love you:

  "A way that I know that I can love myself is to give myself permission to be seen by the people who love me and by the people that I love...allow myself to be loved." — JS Park (15:38)

  • Simple comfort requests matter, like chapstick for dry lips or certain pajamas.
• Hospice and chaplaincy can help:
  • Seek hospice coverage or chaplain services for support (16:31).

4. How to Support the Dying & Their Loved Ones

[18:52 - 20:46]

• Needs are unique — tune in, be specific:
  • Avoid generic offers ("Let me know if you need anything") which can place a burden on the grieving.

    “The text that I feel most bothered by is [things] like, you know, 'Hey, if you need anything, let me know'... But if someone texts me and they're like, 'Hey, I can bring you dinner Tuesday or Thursday at 6:00. Clock. Here's the menu...' That for me is like, what I like…” — JS Park (19:44)

• Concrete offers and sensitivity to preferences:
  • Bring food, offer a distraction, help with chores, or just sit with them. Consider who they are and what’s comforting for them.

5. Preparing for Death Conversations & Decisions

[21:34 - 22:55]

• Advance directives and planning:
  • Discuss wishes about life support, heirlooms, and comfort:

    “...these little moments of autonomy are what bring some sort of comfort and consolation in death, and that affords some dignity for us.” — JS Park (22:24)

• Start these talks before it becomes urgent.

6. The Myth of Hollywood ‘Last Words’**

[22:55 - 25:38]

• Final, lucid moments are rare:
  • Most dying people cannot share dramatic last conversations.

    "It is so rare, in fact, to know that you're having a last conversation with someone where both of you are awake and aware.” — JS Park (23:33)

  • Even when sedated, talk to loved ones; they may still hear and find comfort.
• Family rituals and storytelling matter:
  • JS Park encourages families to share memories around the bedside; "I weave almost like a tapestry of all the things that they've said..." (24:43)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “Amidst all the horror of what dying looks like, we can still confer some dignity to dying.”
  — JS Park (03:40)

• “It's almost like your body is trying on death before it dies.”
  — JS Park (14:00)

• “Allow myself to be loved...that love can carry me through the vulnerability of that very naked and difficult process.”
  — JS Park (15:38)

• “The text that I feel most bothered by is like, you know, ‘Hey, if you need anything, let me know.’”
  — JS Park (19:25)

• “These little moments of autonomy are what bring some sort of comfort and consolation in death, and that affords some dignity for us.”
  — JS Park (22:24)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Why we don't talk about dying: 06:14 – 08:12
• Preparing for physical shock of seeing the dying: 09:02 – 11:36
• The details of the dying process (sounds, appearances, guilt): 11:36 – 13:20
• Deterioration and hygiene: 13:42 – 14:25
• Self-compassion, comfort, and requests for the dying: 15:12 – 16:31
• How to provide meaningful help: 18:52 – 20:46
• Advance directives and death planning: 21:34 – 22:55
• The reality of final conversations: 22:55 – 25:38

Main Takeaways

1. The dying process is difficult and often shocking — Prepare yourself with information before visiting.
2. Physical deterioration is a natural part of dying, especially in hospitals.
3. If you are dying, try to accept love and support; state your specific comfort wishes.
4. When supporting someone dying, make specific, concrete offers and be sensitive to their needs.
5. Rarely do we get cinematic ‘last words’. Don’t wait—share what you need to now, and know it’s okay to simply show up and speak kindly, even if the other person can’t respond.

Overall Tone

Gentle, honest, practical, and occasionally raw but always compassionate — the tone models the openness and tenderness the hosts hope listeners will bring to their own conversations around death and dying.

For more advice and real-world discussions on difficult topics, check out other Life Kit episodes, including talking to kids about death and managing holiday stress.