Loading summary
Charles Schwab
This message comes from Schwab At Schwab, how you invest is your choice, not theirs. That's why when it comes to managing your wealth, Schwab gives you more choices. You can invest and trade on your own. Plus get advice and more comprehensive wealth solutions to help meet your unique needs. With award winning service, low costs and transparent advice, you can manage your wealth your way at Schwab. Visit schwab.com to learn more.
Mariel Segarra
This message comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast Choiceology. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Download the latest episode and subscribe@schwab.com podcast.
Charles Schwab
This message comes from NPR sponsor Disney season one of Andor had critics calling it the best Star wars series yet. Now season two of the Emmy nominated series returns April 22nd. Follow Cassian Andor as he embarks on a path from a rebel to a hero starring Diego Luna and from creator Tony Gilroy, writer of Michael Clayton and the bourne identity. Season two of Andor is streaming April 22nd only on Disney. This message comes from Amazon Pharmacy. Sometimes when you go to pick up a prescription, you can get sick with sticker shock. Amazon Pharmacy has upfront pricing, so the only surprise is how fast your meds will arrive. Healthcare just got less painful.
Malika Gharib
Amazon Pharmacy, you're listening to Life Kit from npr. Hey everybody, it's Marielle. I was a little bit of a late bloomer in terms of dating. I didn't do it in high school, so when I got to college and started having dalliances and texting with suitors, I didn't know what to say. I remember walking into a friend's room in our freshman dorm with my pink razor flip phone being like, yeah, he texted me this. Am I supposed to text back Haha, that was funny. Or would that be too much? Maybe I should keep him guessing a little bit. Definitely got an eye roll from the friend. She had boyfriends in high school. Regardless, while texting has gotten easier over the years, I'm more practiced at flirting and I can just boop, leave a little ha ha reaction now. It's still not straightforward and I'm talking about not just texting people you date, but also your friends and family and coworkers. You might get dozens of text messages a day with people from across your life and they might all have different texting styles and it's easy to misread someone's tone every single day.
Erika Dewan
In our text messages we are sending a tone and intent even if we don't intend to this is Erika Dhuan.
Malika Gharib
Author of the book Digital Body Language.
Erika Dewan
And in Today's Age, what was implicit in our traditional body language? The handshake, the head nod, the smile, the hug in person now must be explicit in our digital body language.
Malika Gharib
Also, you and the people you text might have different expectations for how quickly you should respond. Like my parents think that if I don't answer them within eight hours, I am probably dead. Meanwhile, I'm just busy or napping. This topic is something our digital editor, Malika Gharib has been thinking about a lot, and on this episode of Life Kit, she talks to Erica about how to keep your head on straight in this wild world of text messaging. They'll share advice on basic texting etiquette, dealing with tricky texters, people who text too much or not enough, in your opinion, and on when to forget texting altogether and pick up the dang phone.
Mariel Segarra
This message comes from Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart Choice make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try it@progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.
Charles Schwab
This message comes from Amazon. Have you ever been so sick that even the thought of standing up to go to the doctor made you even more sick? Amazon One Medical has 247 virtual care so you can get help while horizontal. And with Amazon Pharmacy you can get medicine delivered fast right to your door. You just have to make it to your door. Thanks to Amazon, Healthcare just got less painful. This message comes from Amica Insurance. As Amica says, empathy is our best policy. Whether you're seeking auto, home or life coverage, they'll work with you to choose the policy that best serves you and your family. Discover how Amica can help protect what matters most to you today. Go to amica.com and get a quote today. This message comes from Capital One. With the Capital One Saver card. Earn unlimited 3% cash back on dining and entertainment. Capital One what's in your wallet? Terms apply details@capitalone.com this is Eric Glass.
Mariel Segarra
In Lily's family, there's a story everybody knows by heart. If this story had never happened, all.
Erika Dewan
Of us wouldn't be here right now.
Unnamed Speaker
Sammy wouldn't be here.
Erika Dewan
Wouldn't be here. Wally wouldn't be here. Anyone that we know wouldn't be here. So what happens when Lily's mom tells her the story's not true?
Mariel Segarra
This American life is surprising Stories every.
Erika Dewan
Week.
Unnamed Speaker
As you know, texting is a huge part of our daily lives. Even right now I'm like sort of afraid that my phone is going to like zap at any moment, alerting on my family chat. What do you think the role that texting plays in our lives and our relationships?
Erika Dewan
Texting is one of the most important forms of how we show love, how we connect, how we share tone and intent in our modern age. I like to say it's the new family dinner where especially in group chats, everyone's yelling at the same time. But it is this community gathering in the digital age. Sometimes it's a campfire. Right. Sometimes it's connection and sparks. Sometimes it's a bonfire too. But this is a ritual that we have to be able to all be with one another when we're not.
Unnamed Speaker
Yeah. I would say that my family chat is kind of like the family dinner and my college roommates chat is more like a bonfire.
Erika Dewan
Exactly. The family chat is like the dinner of connection and sparks. The friends chat is like banter.
Unnamed Speaker
Yeah, right.
Erika Dewan
It's like the bonfire of banter.
Unnamed Speaker
Well, this is a personally selfish episode for me because I'm a very bad texter and I would like to have somebody like you who has thought a lot about this, who has written a lot about this to sort of help me answer some questions that I have about my own texting habits. I get about 50 texts a day from my family chat, my friends chat, my daycare teacher sends like, I don't know, 20, 20 videos a day, which is actually great. I love that I check that, but I feel like I can't keep up and I don't even know how to react to things sometimes. Why is texting such a challenge for some folks?
Erika Dewan
Just like we have different communication styles in person, whether someone's an introvert or an extrovert, we have different texting styles and behaviors. So similarly with my family chat, there's my mom, who's the overpinger, similar maybe to one of your family members. There's my brother who's the ghost. You won't hear from him for three weeks and then you'll finally get like a thumbs up. There's, you know, my sister who sometimes I like to call the fire starter. In the family chat. They're, I like to say sometimes I'm the chat captain, but that might be a little too self congratulatory. Sometimes I'm the fire starter as well. And my dad is a bit of the pacifier. And so just like at a family dinner table, we have these different styles and we often play these different roles and we have different norms around texting etiquette. And that's what makes it hard and difficult.
Unnamed Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I don't even know what my norm is. I feel like that's a question, like, what's my style? What do I like? It's maybe like a love language. Like, what is my texting love language? How do I like to give and receive my texts? It's something that I'm thinking about now as you're talking.
Erika Dewan
I think we all have texting love languages. And so I think what's important now is to remember that we have these different text love languages and to try not to overthink it in terms of how we come off and how we engage. So when we're in person with someone, we are able to immediately see their reaction. We can see them smiling back at us, giving us a hug. We know whether they're on the verge of tears or excited when we shoot off that text message, we have no idea the situation of someone else receiving that. They could be with a screaming toddler, they could be on a toilet, they could be on a zoom call. They could be in lots of different situations. And I think a lot of this goes back to almost sometimes with the rise of what I'll call main character syndrome, we feel ghosted if someone doesn't respond immediately to us on text message. And I like to say we have to shift that notion of feeling ghosted on text to the fact that we're all doing what I call triaging. We're all kind of like ER room doctors triaging multiple different levels of text messages. What's urgent and important, like a message from a daycare teacher that a child is sick or something happening at work and a meeting is canceled. What could wait one or two days? Just like an erm doctor would send someone back. Right. And what can wait a week? What actually needs some time to simmer. And so similarly with text message, we need to get over our reaction, that everyone needs to respond immediately and kind of get over our own selves with that. And remember that we're all triaging in life and in texting.
Unnamed Speaker
Takeaway one, Remember, we're all triaging when it comes to texting. Be mindful of other people's style when you text and what they might be managing on the other side of the phone. What do you do about people? My sister, who just sends you links to TikTok videos all the time. I think I have like 20 unwatched and unacknowledged videos in my text messages from her. And it's like all hours of the day, like 2am, like 5am, 7am, like it's happening all the time. And I think that that's her way of showing me her love. So like, I don't want to stop it, but at the same time I do want to acknowledge it. But my question is how?
Erika Dewan
A lot of it has to do with you remembering what really matters here. What I would say is if this feels overwhelming, if it's not urgent or super important in that moment, let go of this belief that you have to respond to every single message and set a rhythm for yourself. Don't reply to every ping. I would say master the art of the tap back, right? So instead of the especially in text messages today we can thumbs up or heart or put an emoji on someone's actual text message versus sending more text messages. This is really important because we get so many messages today, it can feel overwhelming to have to keep scrolling. I am a big fan of the tap back as a signal of an acknowledgement. And what it does is it cuts the clutter. It's a reaction. It says it with a tap, it doesn't say it with a novel. Think about how do I want to reply in this? It could be thinking about it as the post work 5pm Quick check in and one response per day. It could be once a week on Fridays. Finally catching up after a busy work week. Love these. And one message and that's it. Just acknowledging that she sent all of these different videos. It could be if you're close and you think she wouldn't mind. It could be just letting her know on a quick phone call. I love the videos, but it's a little overwhelming to get so many in the day. Like let's do a roundup on Fridays or let's do them on Fridays or Saturdays. And if she's willing, maybe ask for that takeaway 2.
Unnamed Speaker
If someone's sending you a lot of texts and you're feeling overwhelmed, it's okay to just heart a message or respond at a later time. If you're close with the texter, you can also have an open conversation about your different communication styles. So this is classic me. This next example, I have not responded to a text message, okay, from somebody because I don't have the mental energy at that time. A friend of mine asked if we could get coffee and I just simply never responded. And now I want to ask her if I can borrow a potty training toilet from her. Now what do I do? I forgot you, but now I need something from you.
Erika Dewan
First of all, don't feel guilty. We all do this and we've all experienced it on both sides. I would recommend the first thing you do is acknowledge the latest text before you ask the question. So say so sorry for the delay, being caught up and then respond to the coffee date. It could be if you wanna have coffee, you know, offer a time. If you don't, say I would love to do coffee soon, let me check my schedule, or just something a little broad that keeps it in the open and keeps acknowledgement and then go to your question. Because the reality is those that give us some grace are those that are showing love in today's digital age, which is an age of constant overwhelming messages.
Unnamed Speaker
Yeah, so this is really rich. Now I'm going to ask you about like how do I get an answer from a very slippery fellow? So like I myself am slippery. So then now a slippery person wants something from a slippery person. And so I've been trying to ask this other friend if they want to go to concert with me and I just keep getting these like non responses. Definitely, absolutely 100%. And it's like, well then when, like, like are you going to buy the ticket or not?
Erika Dewan
You know, I would say in a situation like this we have to remember that Claire is kind to quote Brene Brown. And we have to be direct, right? So there's different types of areas that we text. One is just banter, right back and forth, humor, casual, fun videos. The second is actually a decision. We have to make a decision. And when it comes to a decision text, we have to actually ask a specific question like here are the tickets, I'm gonna buy them by Tuesday or by tomorrow. Let me know today if you want me to buy you one. And when it comes to a banter text, it's okay to just be casual. They have no idea that you're on a quote unquote deadline around when to get them. And when it's a decision text, then use it differently. Ask the question, use the question mark. Make sure it's clear that a response time is needed. And if they don't respond, let it go and move on.
Unnamed Speaker
Takeaway. Three, if there's been a lapse in communication, be direct about it. If you've forgotten to respond to someone's text, apologize for not getting back to them sooner. If you've been trying to get a hold of someone, send a text asking for a specific response. You know all of this is making me think about my own texting practices. It's like here I am judging others about their texting habits, yet I am not looking inward.
Erika Dewan
Right.
Unnamed Speaker
About my own texting habits.
Erika Dewan
Right.
Unnamed Speaker
And what are some critical questions we can ask ourselves about? Like, what can I do to make it better or be more considerate of other people?
Erika Dewan
Yeah, you know, I think the first one is think before you ping. Right? Just like you think before you speak or you type. We have to think before we ping. We have to take that extra breath and ask, is this relevant? Is this urgent? Is this best in text message? And it only takes five seconds, but when we do it, it can make a big difference. Large group chats are not your personal stage. Keep it tight, keep it timely, and make sure you're thoughtful of whether this is a large group or this is a small, intimate group. The second one I would say is take your drama to the DMs. Oh, I remember when I had just had a baby, I was on my first real work trip. I was visiting Boston and I was having dinner with my brother and his wife. And my daughter was staying at home with my husband and the nanny. But I had a lot of guilt about traveling for the first time while she was so young. And we sent a photo, it was me, my brother and his wife to the family chat. And my sister, who's in a different city, responds and says, where's Kamiyah? The name of my daughter. And I immediately got so angry. I was like fuming, like, how dare you? Are you insinuating something that I'm leaving my daughter? And my sister was just trying to ask, oh, is she there? Are they meeting them? She had no idea. And I ended up responding in the family chat being really mad, right? And argumentative. And what I should have done is I should have taken a breath, I should have side chatted, But I was angry and I felt publicly shamed. So in this case, remember that personal squabbles don't belong in the group. Side chats are your friend and know when, especially if a conversation has died down in a family chat or in a friend's chat, know when to maybe just have a one on one dm.
Unnamed Speaker
Read the digital room.
Erika Dewan
Read the digital room. Exactly.
Unnamed Speaker
Are there any more best practices?
Erika Dewan
I do think there's a few more things that are really important when it comes to texting etiquette. One of them is know when to mute, archive, or leave a group chat. And this is a really important one because for many of us, we have so many Chats now we have group chats, we have WhatsApp chats. And it can be overwhelming. There's so many different spaces to connect and gather. It's like five different coffee chats at the exact same time. And so when it comes to this, we have to remember that we choose how we want to engage. And so first and foremost, if there is a chat that is going off all the time, I'll give you an example. I'm on a family chat that's across four continents with my family from India, but there's also people in the us, in Australia, across Europe. So, you know, when Indian holidays happen, one of them that just happened is Holi. I am getting happy Holi messages all hours of the day, across all time zones. So I remember earlier on when WhatsApp did not have the mute and archive, I was so annoyed. I was way too overwhelmed to be part of this chat. But now I, I mute it, I archive it. So I'm not seeing it at the top all the time, but kind of like when I'm on a plane or in a car sort of waiting, it's like my quick coffee drop in to my global family and I'll chime in on something that's most recent. And I don't sweat the small stuff. I don't worry that I'm not responding to everyone's birthday wish, but I am still part of the connection. Now the other thing that's important is to know also when to leave a group. Now there's a lot of chats that I'll have from like three years ago when me and my girlfriends went on a trip together and it's died down. And I like to say if it's been, you know, even three months or six months since you've had any conversation, it's okay to leave the chat.
Unnamed Speaker
Takeaway 4. There is such a thing as text etiquette in group chats. Don't send unnecessary text messages. If you want to call someone out, do it on a separate text and use your phone's messaging features to your benefit. Mute chats to reduce notifications, exit chats to keep your threads tidy and heart messages to save the group chat a ping. My last question for you, when do you know when to call?
Erika Dewan
There are three different cases I would argue when to call. The first is when there's a complex, sensitive issue where ideally you need to talk it out with someone. You need to, you need to share your tone of voice so people know your good intentions around it or your desire for understanding. I Remember one time a girlfriend, I said, I can't make a meeting or a gathering. And she was really mad and she sent me this really triggered message back. And then I finally said, nope, I need to pick up the phone. And turns out she was upset about something else that had happened months ago but had never brought it up. And it was sort of coming out in a text rage scenario and so no one to pick up the phone. If I had continued that text message, it would have never have been discussed.
Unnamed Speaker
There's no amount of emojis that could have solved that situation.
Erika Dewan
Exactly. When it's complex or sensitive, pick up the phone. A phone call is worth a thousand text messages. The second factor is when there is some type of sense of urgency where you're not getting the response by text message. So for example, you have a. You have to book something in the next hour and you still haven't gotten a response from someone and it's quite urgent and you need to get clarity on something. Don't shy away from when a phone call would be better. Now don't get me wrong, I have friends where if I call them, they think it's an emergency, like someone's actually in the er, but sometimes that's the signal you want to send that something is more urgent by phone call. The third, I would say is personality style differences. I have friends where they're just not good by text message, but they're really great by phone with them. Pick up the damn phone. Right. It really makes a difference. I have friends in different cities where we'll have a quick exchange by text message, but it doesn't feel the same. Right. I feel disconnected from them. It's every once in a while it's a quick video, but when we get back on the phone together, it's like we're picking up where we left off from college days.
Unnamed Speaker
Yeah, it's like, it's hard to answer, like, hey, what's up? How's it? How's life been going? I'm like, I don't have time to answer this question via text, but let's have a phone call.
Erika Dewan
That's right. I think again, think of text message as it's banter, it's connection and it sparks.
Unnamed Speaker
Yes.
Erika Dewan
It's not necessarily, you know, the deep dive one hour coffee chat. It's like a five minute coffee chat takeaway.
Unnamed Speaker
Five know when to pick up the phone. If a text thread is getting too complicated, you've got an urgent message or you just want to catch up with someone, get em on the horn. Okay, well, Erica, I promise to be in my best texting behavior if we ever catch ourselves in a text exchange with each other.
Erika Dewan
Oh well. Regardless, I know that you are texting with your love language and don't sweat the small stuff. I can't wait to text with you soon.
Unnamed Speaker
Thank you. Time for a recap. Takeaway 1 Be mindful that everyone has a different texting style. Takeaway 2 you don't need to respond to every text message you get. Takeaway 3 if you forgot to text someone back or you're having a hard time getting someone to text you back, be direct about it. Takeaway 4 There are basic rules around text etiquette in group chats. Don't call people out on group chats and use your phone's texting features to manage your messages. When text messages won't cut it, pick up the phone.
Malika Gharib
That was Life Kit's digital editor, Malika Garib in conversation with Erika Dewan, author of Digital Body Language. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on how to spend less time on your phone and another on grocery shopping on a budget. You can find those@npr.org LifeKit and if you love Life Kit and you just cannot get enough, subscribe to our newsletter@npr.org LifeKitnewsletter Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us@lifekitpr.org this episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our Visuals Editor is Beck Harlan, Meghan Keane is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our Executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle, Margaret Serino, Sam Yellowhorse, Kessler and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Gilly Moon. Special thanks to Nick Layton. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.
Mariel Segarra
This message comes from Thrive Market. The food industry is a multi billion dollar industry, but not everything on the shelf is made with your health in mind. At Thrive Market, they go beyond the standards, curating the highest quality products for you and your family while focusing on organic first and restricting more than 1,000 harmful ingredients, all shipped at your door. Shop at a grocery store that actually cares for your health@thrivemarket.com podcast for 30% off your first order plus a $60 free gift. This message comes from Mint Mobile. If you're tired of spending hundreds on big wireless bills, bogus fees and free perks, Mint Mobile might be right for you with plans starting from 15 bucks a month, shop plans today@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month 5 gigabyte plan required. New customer offer for first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Support for NPR and the following message come from the Pew Charitable Trusts sharing about the state of housing in America on the after the Fact podcast, available at pewtrusts.org afterthefaction.
Life Kit Podcast Episode Summary: "The Etiquette of Texting"
Release Date: April 21, 2025
Host: Mariel Segarra
Guest: Erika Dewan, Author of "Digital Body Language"
In this insightful episode of NPR's Life Kit, host Mariel Segarra delves into the modern complexities of texting etiquette with Erika Dewan, the author of Digital Body Language. As digital communication becomes increasingly prevalent, understanding the nuances of texting has never been more essential. Dewan offers expert advice on navigating the diverse texting styles of friends, family, and colleagues to maintain healthy and clear communication.
Mariel opens the discussion by reflecting on her personal experiences with texting during her college years, highlighting the challenges of interpreting and responding to messages appropriately. She emphasizes that while texting has simplified communication in some ways, it has also introduced new layers of ambiguity and potential misunderstandings.
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [02:49]: “In today’s age, what was implicit in our traditional body language? The handshake, the head nod, the smile, the hug in person now must be explicit in our digital body language.”
Dewan explains that just as people have varied communication styles in person—such as being introverted or extroverted—these differences extend to digital communication. She categorizes texting behaviors into roles within group chats, likening them to family dinner dynamics.
Key Points:
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [05:48]: “Texting is one of the most important forms of how we show love, how we connect, how we share tone and intent in our modern age.”
Mariel shares her struggle with the overwhelming number of texts she receives daily from various groups, including family, friends, and coworkers. Dewan offers strategies to manage this influx without compromising relationships.
Takeaway 1: Triaging Texts
Dewan likens responding to texts to an ER triage system, prioritizing messages based on urgency and importance. This approach helps reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and mitigates the sensation of being "ghosted."
Takeaway 2: Mastering the Tap Back
Rather than replying with lengthy messages, Dewan suggests using quick reactions like thumbs up or hearts to acknowledge receipt. This method acknowledges the sender without adding to the clutter.
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [07:18]: “We all have texting love languages... try not to overthink how we come off and how we engage.”
The conversation addresses common issues such as unresponsive friends or those who text excessively. Dewan provides actionable advice on how to navigate these situations gracefully.
Takeaway 3: Direct Communication
When dealing with someone who is unresponsive or "slippery," Dewan advises being clear and direct. For instance, if inviting a friend to an event, set a specific deadline for a response to avoid indefinite delays.
Takeaway 4: Managing Group Chats
In group settings, it’s important to:
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [12:28]: “Master the art of the tap back... it’s a reaction. It says it with a tap, it doesn’t say it with a novel.”
Despite the convenience of texting, Dewan emphasizes that some conversations require the depth and clarity that phone calls provide. She outlines three scenarios when a call is more appropriate:
Complex or Sensitive Issues: Resolving misunderstandings or discussing emotionally charged topics benefits from the immediacy and tone of voice available in calls.
Urgency: When immediate action is needed and texts are not yielding timely responses, a phone call can expedite communication.
Different Communication Preferences: Some individuals simply prefer verbal communication, making phone calls a more effective way to connect.
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [21:18]: “A phone call is worth a thousand text messages.”
Toward the end of the episode, Erikka encourages listeners to introspect about their own texting behaviors. She suggests several critical questions to enhance one's texting etiquette:
Takeaway 5: Self-Awareness in Texting
By being mindful of these practices, individuals can foster better digital interactions and maintain healthier relationships.
Mariel Segarra and Erika Dewan conclude the episode by summarizing the essential guidelines for effective texting etiquette:
Final Quote:
Erika Dewan [23:28]: “Regardless, I know that you are texting with your love language and don't sweat the small stuff. I can't wait to text with you soon.”
For those interested in exploring more about digital communication, Erika Dewan's book, Digital Body Language, offers a deep dive into understanding and improving online interactions. Additionally, Life Kit recommends checking out other episodes on topics such as reducing phone time and budgeting for grocery shopping.
Produced by Claire Marie Schneider with visual editing by Beck Harlan and supervising editing by Meghan Keane. Special thanks to the production team and engineering support from Gilly Moon.