Life Kit Podcast Episode Summary: "The Etiquette of Texting"
Release Date: April 21, 2025
Host: Mariel Segarra
Guest: Erika Dewan, Author of "Digital Body Language"
Introduction
In this insightful episode of NPR's Life Kit, host Mariel Segarra delves into the modern complexities of texting etiquette with Erika Dewan, the author of Digital Body Language. As digital communication becomes increasingly prevalent, understanding the nuances of texting has never been more essential. Dewan offers expert advice on navigating the diverse texting styles of friends, family, and colleagues to maintain healthy and clear communication.
The Evolution of Digital Communication
Mariel opens the discussion by reflecting on her personal experiences with texting during her college years, highlighting the challenges of interpreting and responding to messages appropriately. She emphasizes that while texting has simplified communication in some ways, it has also introduced new layers of ambiguity and potential misunderstandings.
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [02:49]: “In today’s age, what was implicit in our traditional body language? The handshake, the head nod, the smile, the hug in person now must be explicit in our digital body language.”
Understanding Different Texting Styles
Dewan explains that just as people have varied communication styles in person—such as being introverted or extroverted—these differences extend to digital communication. She categorizes texting behaviors into roles within group chats, likening them to family dinner dynamics.
Key Points:
- Overpingers and Ghosts: Some individuals, like Dewan's mom, frequently initiate conversations (“overpingers”), while others, such as her brother, rarely respond (“ghosts”).
- Fire Starters and Pacifiers: Certain members ignite lively discussions (“fire starters”), whereas others help maintain harmony (“pacifiers”).
- Personal Love Languages: Dewan introduces the concept of “texting love languages,” suggesting that understanding how we give and receive affection through texts can improve communication.
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [05:48]: “Texting is one of the most important forms of how we show love, how we connect, how we share tone and intent in our modern age.”
Managing Text Overload
Mariel shares her struggle with the overwhelming number of texts she receives daily from various groups, including family, friends, and coworkers. Dewan offers strategies to manage this influx without compromising relationships.
Takeaway 1: Triaging Texts
Dewan likens responding to texts to an ER triage system, prioritizing messages based on urgency and importance. This approach helps reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and mitigates the sensation of being "ghosted."
Takeaway 2: Mastering the Tap Back
Rather than replying with lengthy messages, Dewan suggests using quick reactions like thumbs up or hearts to acknowledge receipt. This method acknowledges the sender without adding to the clutter.
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [07:18]: “We all have texting love languages... try not to overthink how we come off and how we engage.”
Handling Unresponsive or Overactive Texters
The conversation addresses common issues such as unresponsive friends or those who text excessively. Dewan provides actionable advice on how to navigate these situations gracefully.
Takeaway 3: Direct Communication
When dealing with someone who is unresponsive or "slippery," Dewan advises being clear and direct. For instance, if inviting a friend to an event, set a specific deadline for a response to avoid indefinite delays.
Takeaway 4: Managing Group Chats
In group settings, it’s important to:
- Mute or Archive Chats: Reduce notification overload by muting less critical group chats.
- Leave Inactive Groups: Exit groups that are no longer active to maintain a tidy messaging environment.
- Use Emojis to Signal Acknowledgement: Instead of adding more messages, use emojis to respond succinctly.
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [12:28]: “Master the art of the tap back... it’s a reaction. It says it with a tap, it doesn’t say it with a novel.”
When to Choose a Phone Call Over Texts
Despite the convenience of texting, Dewan emphasizes that some conversations require the depth and clarity that phone calls provide. She outlines three scenarios when a call is more appropriate:
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Complex or Sensitive Issues: Resolving misunderstandings or discussing emotionally charged topics benefits from the immediacy and tone of voice available in calls.
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Urgency: When immediate action is needed and texts are not yielding timely responses, a phone call can expedite communication.
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Different Communication Preferences: Some individuals simply prefer verbal communication, making phone calls a more effective way to connect.
Notable Quote:
Erika Dewan [21:18]: “A phone call is worth a thousand text messages.”
Self-Reflection and Improving Texting Habits
Toward the end of the episode, Erikka encourages listeners to introspect about their own texting behaviors. She suggests several critical questions to enhance one's texting etiquette:
- Think Before You Ping: Assess if the message is relevant or urgent before sending.
- Take Your Drama to the DMs: Resolve personal conflicts privately instead of in group chats.
- Read the Digital Room: Understand the context and tone of the conversation before responding.
Takeaway 5: Self-Awareness in Texting
By being mindful of these practices, individuals can foster better digital interactions and maintain healthier relationships.
Conclusion and Key Takeaways
Mariel Segarra and Erika Dewan conclude the episode by summarizing the essential guidelines for effective texting etiquette:
- Be Mindful of Different Texting Styles: Recognize that everyone communicates uniquely through texts.
- You Don't Need to Respond to Every Text: Use reactions to acknowledge messages without feeling pressured to reply extensively.
- Be Direct When Needed: Address lapses in communication or unresponsiveness with clear and specific messages.
- Manage Group Chats Effectively: Utilize tools like mute and leave options to maintain control over your messaging environment.
- Know When to Call: Opt for phone conversations for complex, urgent, or preference-based communication needs.
Final Quote:
Erika Dewan [23:28]: “Regardless, I know that you are texting with your love language and don't sweat the small stuff. I can't wait to text with you soon.”
Additional Resources
For those interested in exploring more about digital communication, Erika Dewan's book, Digital Body Language, offers a deep dive into understanding and improving online interactions. Additionally, Life Kit recommends checking out other episodes on topics such as reducing phone time and budgeting for grocery shopping.
Produced by Claire Marie Schneider with visual editing by Beck Harlan and supervising editing by Meghan Keane. Special thanks to the production team and engineering support from Gilly Moon.