Life Kit: What a Break from Sex Can Teach You
Hosted by NPR’s Marielle Segarra | Released June 30, 2025

In the June 30, 2025 episode of NPR's Life Kit, host Marielle Segarra delves into the nuanced topic of taking a break from sex, exploring how celibacy can lead to profound personal growth and healthier relationships. Drawing from the experiences of author Melissa Febos, artist Trevor Hines, and insights from sex therapist Angel Suarez, the episode offers a comprehensive look at the benefits and challenges of intentionally stepping away from sexual and romantic engagements.

Understanding the Craving for Sex

Marielle Segarra opens the discussion by acknowledging the powerful allure of sex and its surrounding dynamics, such as courtship and seduction. She highlights how these interactions flood our brains with "delicious chemicals," creating a compelling urge to pursue sexual connections.

Melissa Febos, author of The Dry Season: A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex, shares her personal journey:

"Like once those little chemicals get released, suddenly I'm making different choices because I want to feel more of that. I want to keep the party going inside of me." (00:57)

Febos explains that her relentless pursuit of romance and sex led to destructive patterns in her 30s. After a devastating breakup that left her health and friendships in shambles, she recognized the need to pull back and reassess her relationship with sex and intimacy.

The Power of Celibacy

Segarra introduces celibacy not as a religious obligation but as a deliberate choice to understand oneself better and break unhealthy patterns.

Febos recounts how her friends suggested taking a break:

"I could never have foreseen how profound that change would be. I could never have foreseen how it would literally change the entire course of my life." (03:14)

This period, which she initially labeled a "dry season," turned out to be transformative. Febos discovered that her sensuality extended beyond sexual activity, enriching other areas of her life.

Defining Your Celibate Journey

The episode outlines five key takeaways for anyone considering a period of celibacy:

1. Consider Your Intentions
   Reflect on why you want to take a break from sex. Are you looking to break certain patterns or reconnect with a partner? Febos emphasizes the importance of introspection:

   "Everything else became so much more sensual. It was like my sensual and erotic capacity became expressed in so many other places." (02:37)

2. Define What Celibacy Means to You
   Establish clear rules about what constitutes sex for you. This includes decisions about kissing, romantic touch, and masturbation. For instance, Trevor Hines decided to abstain from sex, romance, and masturbation to redirect his focus inward:

   "I wanted my focus to completely go somewhere else and not go to sex at all." (10:59)

3. Expect Discomfort and Potential Slip-Ups
   Recognize that the initial phase may be challenging, and you might break your own rules. Instead of viewing these setbacks negatively, see them as opportunities to learn:

   "Any goal you set, you're going to stumble and fall. And I think it's just important to identify, like, how did you sway? And that will teach you more about yourself." (15:43)

4. Appreciate the Gifts of Celibacy
   Celibacy can enhance your ability to appreciate non-sexual pleasures and deepen your relationships with others. Febos shares how she reconnected with friends and discovered joy in solitary activities:

   "I actually liked to be alone a lot. I had no idea how much alone time I needed to be happy." (09:27)

5. End Your Celibacy Thoughtfully
   When you decide to re-enter the realm of sexual relationships, do so with intention and awareness. Both Febos and Hines highlight the importance of mutual respect and genuine connection in ending celibacy:

   "They respect it. And then also just highly respecting this person for who they are in their mind made it a lot easier to take that step when, like, we did go there." (20:44)

Insights from Experts

Angel Suarez, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in sex therapy, offers additional guidance:

"If you know you're ready, that's when you're making the healthiest choice for yourself." (21:57)

Suarez advises that setting time limits on celibacy can provide structure but cautions against adding unnecessary pressure, which might hinder genuine personal growth.

Transformative Outcomes

Febos narrates how her celibate period led to significant lifestyle changes, such as altering her fashion choices to reflect her authentic self rather than societal expectations:

"I started wearing sneakers every day. I stopped wearing makeup. That doesn't mean I never wear those things now, but I feel more aware of my choices and what I actually like and want." (17:30)

She also shares a pivotal moment where she confidently declined unwanted sexual advances, underscoring the strength and self-awareness gained through celibacy:

"The moment when I do something different feels, in a way, like a moment of grace, like something becomes possible that was not possible." (19:10)

Concluding Thoughts

The episode concludes with a recap of the five takeaways, reinforcing the transformative potential of celibacy when approached thoughtfully and intentionally. Segarra encourages listeners to explore further episodes on related topics, such as codependent relationships and conversations around consent, available at npr.org/LifeKit.

Melissa Febos and Trevor Hines both illustrate that celibacy, far from being a barren period, can be a fertile time for personal development, deeper connections, and a more profound appreciation of life's myriad pleasures beyond the sexual realm.

Produced by Margaret Serino, with contributions from Beck Harlan, Malika Garib, Megan Keane, Beth Donovan, Andy Tagle, Claire Marie Schneider, Sylvie Douglas, and engineering support from Simon Laszlo Jansen.