Life Kit: Why "We Should Hang Out" Won't Make You Real Friends

Host: Marielle Segarra
Guest: Kat Velos (Author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships)
Date: February 9, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the tricky terrain of making—and deepening—friendships as adults. Host Marielle Segarra sits down with friendship expert Kat Velos to unpack why the vague promise of “we should hang out” rarely blossoms into a real connection, and offers practical tips for cultivating genuine, lasting friendships. Together, they explore the art of invitation, building momentum, handling rejection, and knowing when (and how) to invest more—or less—in someone new.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Hone Your Friendship Intuition

• Noticing Friend Potential
  • Kat Velos emphasizes listening to your “friendship intuition”—the subtle, physical and emotional cues of being at ease or warm with someone.
  • Not always the most charismatic person; warmth, groundedness, and mutual curiosity matter more.
  • Quote:

    "Notice for sure who you feel that warmth with, who you feel grounded and safe around, who you feel mutual curiosity with." — Kat Velos [03:40]

2. Make Specific and Timely Invitations

• The Problem with "We Should Hang Out"
  • Vague future-oriented invitations rarely work; specificity leads to actual hangouts.
  • Build on shared context: If you met at trivia, invite them to join your team again soon.
  • Act quickly! Delays make connections fizzle.
  • Research by Dr. Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas): It takes substantial time (30+ hours) in the first few weeks to transform acquaintances into friends.
  • Quote:

    "The more specific you are, the more likely it is that you’re actually going to get together. Pull out your calendar, pick a time, pick a thing to do together, and actually follow through." — Kat Velos [00:46, 09:45]

  • On not waiting:

    "A common mistake ... is they wait too long to see that new acquaintance again, and in that time, the spark can fizzle out." — Kat Velos [05:06]

3. Overcoming Awkwardness and Building Momentum

• Invest more time—more frequently—than you might think:

  • Don’t be afraid to see someone more than once a week at first.
  • Early regular contact gives the relationship a real shot to gather momentum.
  • Don’t worry about feeling “too forward” as long as you allow the friendship to develop naturally.
  • Quote:

    "You don't have to define the relationship right off. It's just a way to learn enough about each other ... to make a really educated guess about, like, do I want to keep going with this person?" — Kat Velos [07:18]

• Choose Interesting Activities

  • Skip the forgettable coffee dates; opt for memorable, context-rich experiences.
  • Research: Unusual activities (e.g., food truck festival, gallery opening) accelerate bonding by creating shared memories and lowering awkwardness.
  • Quote:

    "The more unusual the experience, the stronger the bond." — Kat Velos [10:58]

4. Navigating Rejection and Busy Lives

• Not everyone will reciprocate—don’t take it personally.
• Appreciate honesty and clarity if someone declines; don't invest energy where there is no capacity.
• For busy friends or folks in challenging life seasons, offer “low-effort hangs” (errands, quick check-ins) that fit their current bandwidth.
• Quote:

  "We should be grateful when people are honest with us and about their capacity. ... We can be grateful that they were honest and clear with us so that we don't end up pouring a lot of energy in a direction that this person just has no capacity to meet." — Kat Velos [12:10]

  • Memorable Tip: Meeting a mom friend at school pickup instead of insisting on scheduled outings.

    "Sometimes the best place to meet her is at school pickup. Let's meet in the parking lot." — Kat Velos [13:14]

5. Deepening Friendships Beyond Small Talk

• Move conversations past “How are you?”
• Ask specific, thoughtful, or playful questions for greater intimacy and storytelling:
  • “How has your morning been?”
  • “What’s one way you’re similar to your 16-year-old self?”
  • Priya Parker’s “magical questions”: e.g., “What was the first concert you went to and who took you?”
• Quote:

  "I am an introvert and my social energy, I want to expend it on, like, as nutritious a conversation as possible." — Kat Velos [14:55]

6. Letting Go When It’s Not the Right Fit

• Friendships need not be all or nothing; move people to “outer rings” as needed.
• Most friendships fade naturally—no need for a formal “friend breakup.”
• Research: Americans tend to lose 1-2 friendships a year.
• Quote:

  "You can kind of drift away naturally and then still have it feel amicable when you see each other again." — Kat Velos [17:09]

7. Making Friendships Stick: The Four Seeds of Connection

• Compatibility – Mutual interest and chemistry
• Frequency – Seeing each other often
• Proximity – In-person interaction; face-to-face is “high-fidelity”
• Commitment – Dedication and trust over time
• The more of these present, the greater the odds of a lasting bond.
• Quote:

  "The more of those you do, the better off you'll be." — Kat Velos [19:42]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Everyone says that, but it’s like, no, literally, we really need to get together. Don’t just say that as a substitute for, 'It was nice to meet you.'" — Kat Velos [09:45]

• "If you pick something that's just a little bit more interesting, it's going to amp up the excitement that both people have to show up and not cancel." — Kat Velos [10:34]

• "It doesn’t mean that all four [seeds of connection] have to be at 100%. ... But the more of them you have, the more likely it is that it’ll work.” — Kat Velos [18:25]

Important Timestamps

• 00:46: Kat Velos outlines how specificity leads to actual get-togethers
• 03:40: Discussing “friendship intuition”
• 05:06: The importance of following up soon after meeting someone new
• 09:45: Why vague invitations (“we should hang out sometime”) don’t work
• 10:58: Choosing memorable activities over default coffee dates
• 12:10: Handling rejection and setting boundaries compassionately
• 13:14: Making time for friends in real-life, “un-Instagrammable” contexts
• 14:55: Moving past small talk to build deeper connections
• 17:09: Letting friendships fade naturally when they’re not a fit
• 18:25: The “four seeds of connection” for lasting friendships

Recap of Takeaways

1. Hone your friendship intuition: Notice with whom you feel at ease, mutual curiosity, and warmth.
2. Make specific, timely invitations: Don’t wait or stay vague. Act soon and be clear about your intentions.
3. Accept rejection gracefully: Be thankful for honesty. For busy people, offer realistic, low-effort hangs.
4. Go deeper in conversations: Ask specific, meaningful questions; skip the generic small talk.
5. It’s okay to drift apart: Friendships can fade naturally; not every acquaintance needs to become a close friend.
6. Nurture friendships intentionally: Focus on compatibility, proximity, frequency, and commitment for relationships that stick.

This episode offers a friendly yet practical roadmap to adult friendship—grounded in research, real stories, and actionable advice—making the daunting prospect of forging new connections a little less intimidating, and a lot more hopeful.