← Life.Church with Craig Groeschel
Life.Church with Craig Groeschel
What You’re Not Saying | Love Killers: Part 5
00:34:21
Most of us don't think of ourselves as dishonest. But the gap between "I didn't lie" and "I told the whole truth" is exactly where a lot of relationships quietly break down. Let’s talk about why what you're not saying matters more than you think.
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So if you don't know this about my bride, Amy. Amy loves to recycle. She recycles everything. And I know there's actually some controversy around recycling. Some people say it's a scam. I don't know if it's a scam or not. I don't care if it's a scam or not. My wife loves to recycle cardboard and plastic and glass. If it can be recycled, it will be recycled. She didn't waste anything. One of the things that's funny, and I haven't actually tested her on this, but, like, if you leave the water running, it freaks her out. If you leave the faucet running and walk away, she will go crazy. She has not said a cuss word in over three decades. If you leave the water running, you might actually hear the woman of God say a word that needs to be filtered out. Don't test her on this. And so in our home, that's a thing. And I hate to say this out loud, but sometimes if I'm cleaning the kitchen up and she's not around, not looking, because the recycle bin is already all the way outside and the garbage can's right here. Sometimes I'll take something that could be recycled, a very small, insignificant yogurt cup, and I'll put it in the trash. Not just in the trash, but deep in the trash, below something, so she won't see it. And I'll be honest, Wyatt. I don't tell her I put your yogurt can in the trash and it's gonna be in the landfill. I don't ever tell her that. I just don't mention it. And it works. Until she spot checks the trash for recyclable stuff, which she has been known to do. I'm not lying. She finds it in there. And then we have a healthy discussion. And we use the principles from last week's talk on conflict to work through my deception. Now, that may not seem like a big thing. I'm guessing in some form or fashion you have your own version of that. It might not be a yogurt container in the trash can, but it might be a purchase that you made that you just conveniently didn't mention and hope they didn't notice. Or it could be a text from that someone that you don't want your spouse to know that you received. Or it could be a web history that you just deleted just because you thought it'd be better if you did. You don't lie about it. Not technically. You just don't tell the whole truth. And in years of being a pastor and working with hundreds, maybe even thousands of families, I've learned that the difference between I didn't tell a lie and telling the whole truth is where so many relationships actually start to break down. And there are different times, and I've done this as well, that you don't lie about something, but you're also not totally honest. We're gonna talk about that today, and we're wrapping up the message series called Love Killers. We've talked about selfishness, and we've talked about neglect. We've talked about spiritual apathy. Last week we talked about conflict. Today we're gonna talk about deception and dishonesty. And when I say deception, I'm not just talking about, like, the big, massive double life types of lives. I'm talking about the daily kind. The small things that many of us wouldn't even call deception. And it goes all the way back to the beginning of God's word in the garden in Genesis, when the serpent came and tempted Adam and Eve. And we know that Eve gave in. And then there was all sorts of compromise. And if you'll notice, the first thing that happened after the sin was not honesty, was not openness, was not transparency. But Adam and Eve both hid from God, trying to hide in disguise their sin. And if you look at this kind of story objectively, you'll recognize that sin didn't just separate them from God, but it separated them from each other. There was disagreement around this sin, and the devil has been running a similar play ever since. Jeremiah 17. 9 tells us this. The heart is deceitful above all things. The heart is deceitful above all things. In other words, your heart can actually deceive you, too. That's how deceptive the heart is. And that's how deception works. A lot of times in relationships, especially in marriages, you generally don't start by lying to your spouse. You generally start by lying to yourself. And you tell yourself, well, it really wasn't that big of a deal. Okay, it's not that bad. I mean, I could have done a lot worse. I'm not hurting anyone. It's better that they don't know. Technically, I didn't really tell a lie. And sometimes we just spin it just enough to. In our own mind, we can rationalize what really is deception, what really is lying. And we make it look like something else. And if we do it long enough, we don't even really realize we're doing it. And then one day, we kind of get good at being dishonest, and we're hiding all sorts of things. And then we start to explain the reason why. And if we're not careful, we believe the explanation. And one day we might not even really know what the truth is ourselves. It starts small, but it generally doesn't stay small. And a lot of you might be thinking that, like, going, okay, yeah, I've done a little bit of that. Not a whole lot. It's not like I'm, you know, making up big lies and have fake names and a passport, and I'm not living a double life. But Jesus says something that really should bring us all to pay very careful attention. In Luke 16:10, this is what Jesus said. He said, whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much. That's really good news. If you're faithful with a little God, God's gonna trust you with even more. And then Jesus went on to say, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. If you lie about something small, Jesus is saying, you're more tempted to lie about something big. And this is the problem. Small. Dishonesty doesn't stay small. The truth is all of us are sinful by nature and we're tempted to lie. And most of us probably do lie in different ways at different times. And there's kind of a spectrum, and experts look at it and they kind of give you different layers or levels of it. And so I wanna talk about a few of those today. We'll talk about four. And you might see yourself in some of these things. The first thing is what they call the half truth. And if you have kids, you know what the half truth is. Because kids, when they turn 13, they're infused with supernatural half truth power. And you might do something like this. Like, let's say, you know, your spouse says, hey, I don't really want you hanging out with so and so that you work with. And you say, you know, half truth is, oh, I went to lunch today with some people from work. And you did, but you didn't tell your spouse who was there. It's the half truth. Then there's the omission. And that's like, you just don't say, I went to lunch. And you think, well, what they don't know is not gonna really hurt them. Except for it actually often does. There's the omission, then there's the refrain. And that's where you kind of take it and you kind of spin the story a little bit and Say, okay, so I went to lunch, and, yeah, that person was there, but it was just business, you know, and we talked about work the whole time. And besides, you're overreacting. You've got friends of the opposite sex, so you try to reframe it. Then the most extreme level. And unfortunately, some people do end up getting here. That's the double life. And that's where you didn't go to lunch. You took her to Cancun. Okay? It's not like, you know, I'm just making this stuff up. Work with me, okay? Just work with me. I'm in a relatively good mood, so I could say anything. Okay, it's not a great mood, but a relatively good mood. And so you're not just, like, hiding a little part of your life, but you got this whole other version of yourself. You might have a secret phone. You might have a secret relationship. You got a secret addiction. Whatever it is, your spouse has no idea about that other you. And some of you going, okay, yeah, so the half truth or the omission, I'm kind of there. But, you know, Craig, I don't have the big bad stuff. Okay, start there. And for those of you who say that I got just some little lies and it's not that big a deal, I've got a story for you that I promise you will remember. I'm not sure if this story is true, but it should be, because I promise you will remember it. There was a wife who caught her husband in a lie. And the husband said, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe. It's just a little lie. It's just a little lie. It's not a big deal. It's just a little white lie. It's not a big deal. And she said, okay, babe, it's not a big deal. And the next day, she made her husband some brownies. And he smelled the brownies. He said, mm, they smell good. And he ate the first brownie. He said, mm, babe, these are good. She said, babe, I'm so glad you like the brownies. Have another one. He said, babe, thank you. And he had another brownie. I said, these are so good, babe. Thanks for making the brownies for me. She said, babe, I'm so glad you like them. By the way, you know our dog. Well, I took a little bit of poop. Not much. Just a little bit of poop. And I put just a little bit of poop in a brownie. He said, you watch it, babe. It's not much. It's just a little bit of poop. In the brownies. Now, I told you, you all look sick right now. Like, why did I come to church today? The story may not be true, but would you agree it should be true. Okay. Because you don't grade dishonesty on a curve, do you? Any poop in a brownie is too much. Any dishonesty in the relationship is too much. Come on, somebody. I told you you would remember this. I went to four years of se to learn to preach like that. Actually, I didn't learn it there. Just remember a little poop in the brownies. It's not much, just a little bit. Any poop in a brownies is too much. Tweet that. So where does deception show up most frequently in relationships? There's four well accepted categories. You're gonna see this in relationships. You're gonna see it emotionally, financially, relationally, and sexually. Let's talk about emotionally emotional deception. And again, it doesn't even have to be the big things. Not like you don't even have to have the emotional affair. It could be just like your spouse says, how are you doing? And you say, I'm okay, I'm fine. The truth is you're frustrated or you're disappointed. And you know, bringing it up's gonna be a thing. Cause last time you brought it up, it was a thing. And so you don't bring it up and you lie emotionally. And what's interesting is that you can actually lie without even speaking. Like, you can pretend you're fine and that still be emotional deception. There's an emotional lying, there's financial. And this is really, really common. It's the purchase that you make and you don't tell them about it. It's the cash you get out of the ATM machine and thank God that they don't check the account. You know, it's the secret credit card that sometimes happen. It's the rounding down. How much did that cost? Oh, $22 or so. You know, it's rounding down. And a lot of times we'll say, well, it's not that big a deal. But deception is always a big deal. We joke about it because we have different approaches. Amy literally bought a pair of shoes on sale and came home so excited and told me she saved US$40. And she little as thoughts. She did. She saved us money. If she'd gotten a purse for 75% off, she would think we made money. That's how she thinks. Like, I made you money. And I would never be that irrational ever, ever, under any circumstances. Except we have a grill that works perfectly. And I don't grill. Again, if you were here last week, it's not my job. I don't do it right. And so Amy grills. I don't grill. We have a grill that works. And yet I bought a smoker. A high end, top of the line smoker. I've never grilled or smoked in my whole life. Don't you laugh. You bought a boat or Twin Cities or a tractor or whatever it is, a tractor for your little yard, you know, whatever. It's the thing. And so sometimes we get ourselves in trouble. There's emotional, there's financial, there's relational. And again, it could be relational, like you're literally cheating on someone. Other times it's just like you're just talking about your spouse to everyone except for your spouse. You know, you're talking to your mom about your spouse, you're talking to your dad about your spouse, talking about your co workers about you. You're talking about your friends about your spouse, you're talking to your friend's dog about your spouse. You know, about how frustrated you are, and you go home and you act like everything's fine. Everyone knows about the issue except for the person you should be talking to then. And this is where it gets really awkward in the room, but let's just go there. There's sexual deception and there's layers of that. And just when you think it gets weird, it can get weirder. I mean, there's fantasies and there's secret accounts and there's porn addictions and deeper addictions. And what I've discovered in a lot of years of pastoral work is that the sin is bad, and the sin is always bad. The sin is always destructive. But in some ways, I think the secrecy is almost worse. In fact, almost every time I've worked with a spouse that found out. The betrayal, it's like the affair hurt, the porn addiction hurt, but the deception even hurt almost. And it's real. So what do we do with this? Well, if you're married, maybe you're dating, maybe you're hoping to date and marry one day. The answer in God's word sneaks up on you. And there's two qualities we find about Jesus when he came in, John 1:14 that tells us this. John said that the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. So the Word became flesh. The word is now Jesus. And we've seen his glory. We've seen the glory of Jesus, the glory of the one and only son who came from the Father. And it's interesting. Jesus came full of two things. He came full of grace and truth. You think about all the qualities he could have come full of. Compassion or justice or mercy or power. But he came full of grace and truth. Grace and truth. And where a lot of relationships fall into deception is they have one without the other. And there's some of you, you lean heavier on truth. And so you're in a relationship, you have more truth without grace. And you think. And this is common in Christian, especially conservative areas, where the men bows up and see, I say whatever I want, however I want, and call it truth. Sometimes people even slap a Bible verse on it and call it loving. I'll tell you right now, if truth is delivered without love, it's not truth, it's a weapon. And this is not Christianity, and it is not God honoring. Anytime you use the word to hurt someone, you're not using the word the way that God intended you to use the word. That's truth without grace. And then there's grace without truth. And that's the one that just doesn't tell the truth. I don't wanna cause any trouble. I'm gonna stuff everything. I'm gonna try to keep the peace. I'm not gonna bring it up. I'm gonna smile, I'm gonna say, it's fine. I'm gon. And that is not love. That's avoiding conflict, avoiding responsibility, and avoiding the very thing that can bring healing. And I'll show you how this plays out. And unfortunately, some of you are gonna see yourself here. That's the bad news. But the good news is Jesus can lead you out. Here's the two extremes. The first one is this. Truth without grace destroys, hurts, and harms relationships. And grace without truth enables the dysfunction to continue. And that's why Paul said this. He speaks directly to it. Ephesians 4:15. He said, instead, we will speak the truth in love. We could say, we'll speak the truth with grace. When we speak the truth, we do it with a heart to love, to serve, to honor the other person. Not to hurt, not to condemn, not to belittle, but to speak the truth in love, growing in every way, more and more like Christ. I want you to think about this. When you speak the truth, how do you do it? You do it in love, growing more and more and more like Christ. If we're speaking the truth without love, and we're not becoming like Jesus, we don't have the chance for the healing in our relationship. So we speak the truth in love, becoming more like Jesus. What was Jesus? He came full of grace and truth. He was full of grace and the grace came first. Yes, there's a truth, but it's based on his grace. Truth and grace. Not one or the other, but both. So how do you get there? How do you go from hiding something? Because some of you right now have some part of your relationship you're holding back and you're hiding. And you wanna get past the hiding to the honesty. How do you do it? Well, you do it by confessing. Confessing. And there's two types of confession, and most people only know about one. What are the two types of confession? Well, the first one is this. You confess to God for forgiveness. What does this word say? He says, hey, God is faithful and just. If you confess your sins to God, he's faithful. If you confess your sins to God, he's faithful. And just to cleanse you from all unrighteousness, if you confess your sins to God. So you confess to God for forgiveness. There's a second type of confession, and that is you confess to each other for healing. What does James say? James said this. James says, therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other. Two weeks ago, we learned to do that. Right? We're praying together daily. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. Watch. You confess to God for forgiveness. If you confess your sins, be faithful and just. Forgive your sins. You confess to each other for healing. Confess your sins one another and pray for each other that you may be healed. Most people stop at the first one. We confess to God and we think it's good enough. But James says, no, you confess to each other and pray that you are healed. I'll tell you about confession and healing. In my marriage, I tell this story with full blessing for Mamie. Just so you know, she signed off on this one. Not the recycling one and not some of the other ones, but maybe this one. So earlier in our marriage, when I was younger, I was more vulnerable then to visual temptation. Thankfully, when you do get older, it actually does get better. But in the early years, I loved Amy so much. I didn't want her to think that I was weak. And I certainly didn't want her to think that she wasn't enough. So I kind of acted like, yeah, other guys deal with that. But I didn't really say I didn't. But I just kind of implied that I wasn't tempted. But the issue wasn't that I was tempted. The issue that I was hiding the Fact that I was tempted. And so I had a vulnerability that I hid and kept personal instead of sharing it. So I'm looking at scripture and I'm going, okay, I'm actually supposed to, like, genuinely open up and be transparent and be vulnerable. And she's my best friend, and I promise to be married forever. And if there's anyone who's gonna stand by me and pray for me, like, I need her on my side in this battle. And so I prayed about it and said, okay, I'm gonna confess this, and I hope it doesn't hurt her that this is a vulnerable area. And so I told her, like, I love you so much more than you can ever imagine. I wanna honor you. I don't ever wanna look at something that would be dishonoring to you or sinful. And I'm not planning to. In fact, I'm planning not to. And so part of my plan not to is now that the Internet's a thing and it wasn't a thing, but this is. I'm in 32 or whatever. Now that it's a thing, I wanna protect my devices. And I did. I wanted to put some filters and all this kind of stuff just to eliminate temptation. And I said, I wanna do that because I love you and I wanna plan not to be vulnerable if I'm ever in a weak place. Well, lo and behold, she didn't look disappointed. In fact, she kind of looked on going, like, kind of grateful and said, well, thank you for wanting to do that, and I support that. And I think it's a good decision. I think you're being wise, and I think you should probably tell other men it's a good thing for them to do as well. And I was like, going, wow. The very thing that I was hesitant to share was something that actually brought us closer and strengthened our relationship. I want you to hear this. The personal vulnerability that I was afraid to share was the very thing that opened the door to more intimacy, more trust, more honesty, and more strength in our relationship together. And here's the principle that I want you to hear. Embrace and internalize Is this in your relationship, especially in your marriage, you'll only be as close as you both are honest. Wouldn't you let that sink in for a minute? Because you can't heal what you won't reveal. And if you're sitting there hiding something, if you got secrets and you won't let the other person in, you will only be as close as you both are honest. So where do you go from here? Well, some of you, you're hiding something that would be relatively small and not incredibly painful. And so your assignment is like, go home, confess it, bring it out in the open and deal with it immediately. Others of you, you're going to be carrying something that's way heavier. A serious secret addiction. It could be an affair, it could be multiple affairs, it could be secret credit card, it could be an emotional attachment, it could be any number of different things. It may be something that's been buried for years. What you're gonna wanna do is like not confess the biggest secret of your life on a car on the way home. That's not truth and grace, that's a grenade. And I'm just gonna call it what it is. What you wanna do is you wanna definitely confess, but you wanna do it with some support. You're gonna want to tell your life group. And if you don't have a life group, I'm telling you again, I've said it a million times, like I don't know how I would do without the body of Christ praying over us and speaking into us and loving us and encouraging one another and serving one another and spurring one another on the good deeds. And that's just, you'll need those. You'll need people in your life, and you might need a pastor in your life and you might need, you know, might need a Christ centered counselor in your life. And so you're gonna want to heal and you're gonna want to deal with it, but you're actually gonna want some people to help you deal with it along the way. Honesty without support, that's not wise, that's reckless. So assemble the team, confess it, and let's move on. Now here's where it's gonna be difficult because the person who's gonna confess, at some point, there's almost gonna be the sense of, oh, finally. And you feel so relieved and it feels good to confess. Some of you are gonna be on the other side. You're not the one that's confessing a deception, but you're one who's receiving a confession. And I wanna talk to you because that's not easy. If your spouse comes to you and finally tells you the truth, if it's something significant, you might feel hurt and you might feel betrayed. I'm gonna tell you right now, you have every right to. And so when you hear something, he did this, she did that, they hid this, they did that, there's this addiction, there's this other person, there's this thing you don't have to be happy about it. And you don't have to pretend that it didn't happen. But I want you to just remember that because they love you, they had the courage to reveal something that needed healing. And the hiding is over. And that's where the healing begins. The hiding is over. That's where the healing begins. And so embrace both parts of this. Your pain is real, and so is their honesty. And God can work with that. Your pain is real, and it will be real. And some of you will be on the other side of very difficult conversations. And that is real, and so is their honesty. And God can work with that. See, think about God's approach to Adam and Eve when they sinned and they hid. They hid, they hid. Don't know anybody, don't talk about it. They hid. God didn't wait for them to come out, but God went to them. God pursued them. That's the very thing that God is doing at this moment to some of you in this room at this very moment, is he's pursuing you with grace and truth, with forgiveness and the possibility of healing. Because we're saved by grace through faith. That's not of ourselves, but it's a gift from God. And there is a truth, and the truth sets you free. So you confess to God for forgiveness, and you confess to his people for healing. And he comes to you with grace and truth, Grace and truth. Grace forgives, and truth sets you free. And so if you've been hiding something, God already knows about it. God's like, well, you surprised me. Got that one by me. And he's not standing back with his arms crossed. No, he's moving toward you. And so the question isn't, does God know? The question is, will you stop hiding? Will it be a risk? Absolutely. Could it get worse before it gets better? It possibly and probably will. The pain may be real, so is the honesty. And God specializes in showing compassion to those who are hurting and healing to those who are broken. And whatever you feel trapped in today, there is a way out. And it's not by hiding and it's not by secrecy. Sin grows best in the dark. But whoever confesses their sin and renounces them, they find mercy and healing in the presence of God. So it might be that some of you here you are this close to the beginning of healing. If you step out of the hiding with grace and truth, you confess to God and he will forgive whatever you've done. And you confess to God's people and the right people in the right setting with the truth of God's word bring healing to whatever hurt there's been. And so for those of you that have been hurt, deceived, and feel like there's never any hope for a godly marriage, I wanna tell you right now that is alive from the pit of hell. That is alive from your spiritual enemy. He is the father of lies and the deceiver. God created man and woman. He said marriage is good. It is not the end goal in life. The end goal is to honor God. But sometimes, if you can honor God better with someone else, you join hands together and you unite your marriage. One flesh under God. Let no man separate that. And you declare by faith. The word of God will direct our steps. The Holy Spirit will guide us. His word will renew our thoughts. And we're gonna please him in all that we do. And you will only be as close as you both are honest. So today is as good a day to be honest. And the truth can set you free. So, Father, today we pray for deep surgery and healing, whether it's little things that seem insignificant. God, we know that if we're not trustworthy with some things, we're more likely to be untrustworthy in bigger things. So God help us to be true before you and true before the people that you put around us. God, grace and truth to find your healing today, I'm gonna try to ask this in a positive way. And I want you to think about all your relationships. Some of you have been hurt by Christians, hurt by friends. You're hurting in your marriage right now, disappointed in people around you. Some of you are hiding something, holding something back. It could be that you've done something wrong. It could be just that you're hurt and you're hiding that, and you haven't been honest and transparent about it. So I'm gonna ask you from a positive light. How many of you wanna be honest and transparent in your relationships and experience all the healing that God wants you to experience today at all of our churches online. You wanna be honest and transparent. I hope it's all of you. I wanna be honest and transparent in all my relationships. Lift up your hands if that's you, and experience the healing of God. You can leave your hands up if you want. Just an act of worship. You can type that online. I want to be honest and transparent and experience God's healing. Father, today with a hand lifted up to you, we just make this a point of surrender. We surrender to your grace and your truth. We thank you for the grace of Jesus that saves us when we don't deserve it. We thank you for the truth of Jesus that sets us free. God, I pray for healing in relationships. God, for the small confessions, I pray they'd be met with grace. For the big confessions, that may be really, really hard. I pray, God, that that would be the beginning of healing. Even though the pain may be real, with the power of your word, with godly community, with wisdom and help, that there can be healing. And on the other side, there can be relationships stronger than ever before. God, I pray that our children would see how we pursue you and let you love us with grace and truth. That they would see something so real they would want to know and follow you and serve you, bless and heal relationships. Today we pray in Jesus name. As you keep praying today, some of you, we're talking about being honest. If you are really, really honest. If we could just sit down and you just tell the truth. I said, how are you with God today? Some of you would say, not real good, not close. Some of you would say, like, I don't. I maybe believe in him, but I don't know him personally. What I want to tell you about God is he is a very loving and relational God. He loves you. He loves you. He went first. For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son, Jesus. If you had been the only one, God would have sent Jesus just for you. Who is Jesus? He is the Son of the most high God. The Bible calls him the Lamb of God. He was without sin. He was slain for the forgiveness of our sins. He died in our place to pay the penalty for our sins. And three days later, when the stone was rolled away, the tomb was empty. Why? Because Jesus was raised from the dead so that anyone who believes in him and calls on his name would be saved, forgiven and made new. I want to promise you right now, it doesn't matter what you've done, doesn't matter how guilty you feel, doesn't matter how dark the sin is or how far from God you feel the moment you turn to him and call on Him. If you confess your sins, the Bible says God is faithful and just to forgive your sin and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. Whoever calls on the name of the Lord Jesus would be saved. There are those of you today. This is why you're here. It's time to be honest. Step away from your sin. Confess your need of a savior. No more playing, no halfway in no sort of kind of churchianity. This is full on Jesus. Be my Savior. Be the Lord of my life I believe you're the son of God I believe you're gonna forgive my sins I repent of my sins Jesus I give you my life be my savior be my Lord that's your prayer today Lift your hands high right now church lift them up Today I'll praise God as we got people today all of our church is saying yes to Jesus Come on online type in the comment section I am surrendering my life to Christ I'm surrendering my life to and we're gonna pray together Nobody prays alone pray Heavenly father take my life Be my Lord be my savior Jesus forgive my sins Fill me with your holy spirit so I could follow you and serve you and share you thank you for your grace now fill me with your truth May your truth set me free thank you for new life I give you all of mine in Jesus name I pray church come on can you celebrate welcome those born into God's family.