April 1991 Fashion Etc.: Tights, Sun-In & Bloomers, Again?!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s"
Episode: April 1991 Fashion Etc.: Tights, Sun-In & Bloomers, Again?!
Release Date: July 29, 2025

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Introduction to the April 1991 Issue

In this episode, hosts Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and Dave T. Cole dive deep into the April 1991 issue of Sassy magazine, celebrating the vibrant and ever-evolving fashion trends of the early '90s. They explore the magazine's coverage of various styles, beauty tips, and the cultural significance of Sassy for Gen-X teens during its golden years.

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Fashion Trends: Tights, Bloomers, and Beyond

Hemline Fluctuations and Skirt Styles
Dave kicks off the discussion by highlighting the fluctuating hemline trends of the time, noting the return of longer skirts and the resurgence of molded bodices. He humorously remarks, “hemline lengths. They're always up and down like the stock market” (00:13).

Bloomers Make a Comeback
The hosts delve into the revival of bloomers, expressing mixed feelings about their comeback. Pamela sarcastically describes the bloomers as outfits “for someone still in diapers” (06:17), while Tara questions the practicality of such styles, especially for parents dealing with children’s discomfort (06:38).

Romper Romp and Modeling Challenges
Tara and Dave discuss the problematic romper featured in the magazine, critiquing its design and the difficulties models face. They humorously debate the plausibility of models handling such awkward outfits, with Dave quipping, “A sexy baby” (06:14).

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Beauty Features: Bold Hold and Makeup Madness

Bold Hold Hair Spray
The episode features an extensive conversation about Bold Hold hair spray, dissecting its role as a "wig adhesive" and its effectiveness in maintaining hairstyles. Pamela shares a memorable quote: “Boldhold is made of the same material that Boldhold is made of because it is stuck in my head” (01:24).

Makeup Reviews and Beauty Tips
The hosts critique various beauty products advertised in the April issue, including Disc O Makeup and Chanel’s Total Protection Matte Lotion. They express skepticism about the effectiveness and pricing of these products, with Tara humorously advising listeners not to “buy razors from the '90s on eBay” (25:29).

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Modeling Insights: Shannon's Journey

Shannon on the Cover
A significant portion of the discussion centers around Shannon, the 17-year-old model featured on the cover of the April issue. The hosts explore her modeling journey, from her early days in gymnastics to landing the magazine cover. Tara emphasizes the glamor and challenges of modeling, stating, “You're sitting around a lot. A lot of it is annoying” (05:45).

Gummy Smile and Perfection Pressures
They candidly talk about the pressures models face to maintain a perfect image, including Shannon being told to control her “gummy smile” (05:26). Pamela adds, “You can be stunningly beautiful. And some in a magazine is still going to say you have a gummy smile” (05:36), highlighting the unrealistic standards set by the fashion industry.

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Advertisements Critique: From Hee Haw to Sun-In

Gingham and Footwear
The hosts humorously dissect ads featuring gingham patterns and the accompanying footwear choices. Pamela mockingly suggests pairing gingham with “wooden soled clogs” or going “Hee Haw barefoot” (04:26), poking fun at the dated fashion trends.

Sun-In and Hair Care Products
Tara criticizes the aggressive marketing of Sun-In products and other hair care items, expressing concerns over the damaging effects of certain beauty practices. She quips, “It's for clothes that are waterproof” while discussing the impracticality of some advertised solutions (12:47).

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Listener Letters and Reactions: Voices from the Readers

Hunting and Environmental Concerns
Allison from Tallahassee writes passionately against hunting, urging her peers to empathize with the hunted by recommending "check out the most dangerous game." The hosts respond with a mix of humor and support, encouraging her advocacy (51:04).

Body Image and Personal Struggles
A poignant letter from Nicole Kidman (a fictional representation) discusses body image issues, specifically the challenges of shaving and maintaining skin health. The hosts empathetically discuss the societal pressures faced by young women, with Pamela humorously lamenting, “Just call me Peemy” (29:45).

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Beauty Features and DIY Projects

Making It Projects
Tara, Pamela, and Dave explore the "Build a Better Vest" DIY project featured in the magazine. They critique the simplicity and practicality of such projects, sharing their own lack of interest in undertaking similar tasks. Pamela humorously states, “I'm never gonna pretend to even do this” (20:11).

Skincare Confusion
The hosts discuss the confusing beauty advice offered in the Sassy magazine, particularly around using products like Oil of Olay for sensitive skin. They highlight the generational disconnect and the struggle to balance teenage skincare with emerging beauty concerns.

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Modeling and Hair Care: The Struggles Behind the Glam

Shannon’s Modeling Process
Tara narrates Shannon's rigorous modeling process, emphasizing the wait-and-see nature of fashion shoots. They discuss the unrealistic expectations placed on models, including Shannon being told not to smile too much to hide her "gummy" grin (24:00).

Hair Damage from Beauty Products
The conversation shifts to the damaging effects of beauty products like perm solutions and hair dyes. Pamela shares a humorous yet critical take on the rumored hair damage of celebrities, questioning the sustainability of such beauty practices (33:46).

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Final Thoughts and Reflections

Evolving Fashion and Personal Experiences
Throughout the episode, the hosts interweave personal anecdotes with critiques of the Sassy magazine's content. From shareable laughs about outdated trends to serious reflections on beauty standards, Tara, Pamela, and Dave provide a nostalgic yet critical look at early '90s fashion and culture.

Quotes Highlighting Key Moments

• Pamela Ribon on Bold Hold: “Can I just say though, that Bold hold song was made of the same material that Boldhold is made of because it is stuck in my head” (01:24)
• Dave on Hemline Trends: “hemline lengths. They're always up and down like the stock market” (00:13)
• Pamela on Bloomers: “It's an outfit for someone still in diapers” (06:17)
• Tara on Modeling Pressures: “You're sitting around a lot. A lot of it is annoying” (05:45)

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Conclusion

In this engaging episode, "Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s" brings the April 1991 issue of Sassy magazine back to life, offering listeners a comprehensive and entertaining exploration of the fashion, beauty, and cultural trends of the early '90s. Through witty banter, personal insights, and critical analysis, Tara, Pamela, and Dave capture the essence of Sassy and its impact on Gen-X teens, making it a must-listen for anyone nostalgic about or curious about that vibrant era.

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Timestamp Index:

• 00:13 - Hemline Fluctuations
• 01:24 - Bold Hold Hair Spray
• 05:26 - Shannon’s Gummy Smile
• 05:45 - Modeling Challenges
• 06:14 - Sexy Baby Bloomers
• 06:17 - Pamela on Bloomers
• 12:47 - Sun-In Critique
• 20:11 - DIY Vest Projects
• 24:00 - Shannon on Modeling Process
• 29:45 - Body Image Struggles
• 33:46 - Celebrity Hair Damage
• 51:04 - Listener Letter on Hunting

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This summary encapsulates the key discussions, insights, and humorous exchanges from the episode, providing a comprehensive overview for both avid listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Tara Ariano]

Hold hair long.

[Pamela Ribon]

Hold hair strong with Bold Hold.

[Tara Ariano]

Bold Hold. It's the ultimate with power.

[Pamela Ribon]

Hold.

[Tara Ariano]

It's wild.

[Pamela Ribon]

Maximum hold for maximum style. Hold hair long, hold hair strong with bold.

[Tara Ariano]

Hold bold.

[Pamela Ribon]

Hold.

[Dave]

It is April 1991. Goodbye knees, skirts are getting longer again. Goodbye to your loosey goosey bodices. Molded bodices are back. Goodbye to short, organized hair. Wearing hair long and loose is in. Goodbye to. Goodbye to knees. Long skirts from three items ago are short again. Goodbye to not having sweat constantly dripping down all your parts. Vinyl is back, you future swamp monsters. So it's time to say goodbye to a lot of things, but not your favorite magazine that gives you the real scoop on what to wear and what to smear all over your face and legs.

[Tara Ariano]

Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy. Listen to Sassy we shall. So many hemline updates. You just can't keep track of your hemline lengths. They're always up and down like the stock market.

[Pamela Ribon]

Can I just say though, that Bold hold song was made of the same material that Boldhold is made of because it is stuck in my head.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah.

[Pamela Ribon]

Forever missed. Not a note, not a lyric.

[Tara Ariano]

I would not have been able to like sing it acapella. But as soon as it started, I struck a chord so deep in me that I didn't know it was there. I guess now it's like moved into the wig adhesive space as it should be. Yes. It basically was a wig adhesive to begin with. Like that hairspray was no joke.

[Dave]

So it's just spray glue. Yeah, it's spirit gum.

[Tara Ariano]

Yes. You're joking, but it is. Yes. All right, so yeah, if we knew any drag queens, we could probably hear all about both because I'm sure they're using it especially for stunts. They have a wig on another wig, and then they take the first wig off. There's a surprise wig under it.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's a good stunt.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah. All right, let's talk about this cover. 17 year old Shannon. We're gonna learn more about her shortly. But she's on the COVID She's looking pretty. She's pouting. Learn the story of how she got here. But she looks like a real sexy baby in this inset photo on About Face. She's got a kind of Brook Shields quality. Big pouty lips, big eyebrows, extra collarbones somehow.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yes, extra.

[Tara Ariano]

She had extra collarbones installed as you would do in the 90s from time to time.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yes, exactly. Yeah. That's because of Winona Ryder and Heather's. I think we all Went and got some extra collarbones. Fashion feature number one is called wish you were here. Our photographer is Stephen Miller. Our models are Bronwyn, Shannon and Christian. I just want to say Bronwyn's not a real name to me. It doesn't have enough letters in it, and every time it feels like a trick whenever I have to say it.

[Dave]

It's an elf name.

[Tara Ariano]

Yes, it is.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yeah. Anyway, this is a piece about cute ladies in gingham. Gingham all over the place. Gingham up here, gingham down there. If you want to look like a tablecloth and. Or a toddler. Gingham, it's for you.

[Tara Ariano]

That's the thing about gingham is if you are a girl, you might look at a gingham garment and say it's cute. And whenever you wear it around a boy, that's the first and only thing he's going to say. You look like a tablecloth. If you're lucky, you might get. You look like a sexy tablecloth, but it's still tablecloth.

[Dave]

A sexy lighter and a basket of fries.

[Tara Ariano]

Yes.

[Pamela Ribon]

Ooh. That would actually be called that.

[Dave]

And to be clear, that was me squeezing ketchup on her.

[Pamela Ribon]

Of course, I am fine with that because it also looks like unless you can only wear Keds with this, there's no other shoe. And you kind of look like you are in the background of a Hee Haw segment. Always just in the back. Like not jumping with your knees, but not your feet. Yeah, bobbing. We call it bobbing. I knew I'd get there.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, you might get those, like, wooden soled clogs. That's the other thing you can wear with a. With a gingham outfit.

[Pamela Ribon]

Oh, you mean some updated Swedish has beens?

[Tara Ariano]

Perfect.

[Pamela Ribon]

Thank you.

[Tara Ariano]

Exactly. Or of course, if you want to go full Hee Haw barefoot.

[Pamela Ribon]

Do you like Rick Rack? Put Rick Rack on gingham.

[Tara Ariano]

These are all.

[Pamela Ribon]

That's what I think this is the fabric for. I've just learned to sew and I'm classing up my skill. I'm gonna work with a pattern.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah.

[Pamela Ribon]

And it's gingham.

[Tara Ariano]

The first page, we get something that is identified as a Gidget top. And that means something different to me now because we just watched our first episode of Gidget ever for our sister podcast, Extra Extra Hot, the Patreon. This is a Gidget top. I think she might wear one in the episode we watched, in fact. Or if not in the. In the art that we used for the episod. It's like a, you know, a little bra with a tie looks like. Looks like a blouse that got cut off. And yeah, she's adorable. Just like Gidget is. Dave fell in love with Gidget made stickers.

[Pamela Ribon]

I didn't see that coming.

[Dave]

Gidget's a little bitch too. She got a little bitch in her too. So it's like, you know, she's Gidget like you think, you know, just through cultural osmosis. But she's got a bit of Daria in her too.

[Pamela Ribon]

So is it the Hawaiian, y', all that's making you like Gidget? Like, it's oceany? No. These first outfits are also fine. If you're dirty dancing. It doesn't.

[Tara Ariano]

Yes.

[Pamela Ribon]

As we go on, these Gidget outfits stop working as a sexy way. But these girls can bend over sweaty and all the way. They can go bend all the way back.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah. You can have their hair touch the floor. Either of these. To learn the lift in a lake or in a dance studio. Either one of these. Page 50. Unfortunately, we've got bloomers. Bloomers are back. I still don't approve. That's not the end of them for this fashion story either, by the way.

[Dave]

I'm a sexy baby.

[Tara Ariano]

Sexy baby.

[Pamela Ribon]

These bloomers with the also so much elastic on top with the puffy sleeve and then the one shoulder, like, this is an outfit for someone still in diapers. This is. Cause you can wrestle them into it while they're trying to get away from you. That's why their giant heads can go through it. And when they poop, you just throw it in the wash and who cares?

[Tara Ariano]

Let me ask you this. As someone who has had a child. When you get an outfit like that that has the sort of like the bloomery covers that go over a diaper, how many times do you bother to put it on with the outfit versus, like, it's a diaper. Everyone knows it's a diaper. They're just going to see the diaper. I don't care.

[Pamela Ribon]

I guess it depends on your day. If they're. If no one's really seeing into that stroller, you may not do it because it's just more things that make them hot. Like babies are just constantly hot or they're freezing.

[Tara Ariano]

Right.

[Pamela Ribon]

And if you're in bloomer time, they're probably. Now, I would put this on and then put some little like knee socks up there.

[Tara Ariano]

Sure.

[Pamela Ribon]

And here's what I also want to say. You only get like 2 years, 3 years tops of this, where you get to put them in whatever you want? So you should. If I were to go back, I would know. Like, we're putting the bloomers on. Because I'm. I'm going to lose sartorial control in months.

[Tara Ariano]

I feel like everyone I know who has kids, their kids are constantly complaining that they're itchy. Everything you try to put them in, it's itchy. Yeah.

[Pamela Ribon]

Including a shower or it's too tight. It's true. It's itchy. It's shampoo. It's itchy. How could it. The conditioner is itchy. My hair is itchy.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah.

[Pamela Ribon]

Everything's itchy. Yeah. Except when they want to lay around in their own filth for days in the same sheets somehow never itchy.

[Tara Ariano]

Just like Dave. Yep.

[Pamela Ribon]

He's grown up so fast.

[Dave]

I miss texting, baby.

[Pamela Ribon]

The days are long, Tara, but the years are short. You hang on to this.

[Tara Ariano]

On page 52, we find out there's something worse than just bloomers. And it's the bloomer romper.

[Dave]

Wow.

[Tara Ariano]

We've already been over the romper discussion. I'm not going to re litigate it. But this is worse than anything in that romper story from last.

[Dave]

Do you hate your carefully crafted silhouette?

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Distress to the rescue.

[Tara Ariano]

It's not a dirt, it's a real romper.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's a before and after over here of like, old timey swimsuits. We used to have to swim in that thing on the right before we discovered tucking and pinning. I never even noticed how shitty that romper is because this began the saga of the band aid in my brain, and it never went away. A band aid that later is just like. They didn't even airbrush it out. She's just got a full wound on her knee. In these pictures, modeling is hard work.

[Tara Ariano]

You can get injured.

[Dave]

Well, I think they got a kid between them. They're about to throw them into the ocean. So I think before they wrestled the kid in this position, he was biting her knees.

[Pamela Ribon]

That's right. That's how she got it. Like a real toenail slice.

[Dave]

Yeah. You'll never get me, Bronwyn of the Forest, sire.

[Pamela Ribon]

I wish, though, on page 54, when she's basking in the glory of drowning a child earlier that it said model zone band aid. I just would have appreciated model zone band aid.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, but there is. But like you said, there is no band aid.

[Dave]

There's just the wound washed off in the ocean.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yes, I have them backwards. Yeah. Model zone band aid on the page with the rumper and the torch.

[Dave]

Now part of the beach ambiance. That's something to step over.

[Tara Ariano]

We've all had that horrible experience.

[Dave]

Let's give them something to step over.

[Tara Ariano]

Not as, I mean at the beach. Is it worth seeing a band aid loose on the beach or at the pool? Because I've seen both. They're both not great. At least at the pool it's chlorinated.

[Pamela Ribon]

I suppose we just will. Here's the middle for you. We just did one of those lakeside wipeout parks, you know, where it's all the inflatables and you're. It's like parkour on the lake.

[Tara Ariano]

Yes.

[Pamela Ribon]

And I found a band aid in that. And you're working really hard to like pull yourself through this obstacle course. And when you flop down face next to a lake sogged band aid from someone else that's in there, it's. You think about things.

[Tara Ariano]

And no offense to you because I'm sure your hygiene was impeccable. But you know, everyone else who is doing this is like a jackass wannabe.

[Pamela Ribon]

We're wearing life vests that have active mold on them. Like you can see the mold next to your eye.

[Tara Ariano]

So. Oh dear.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's mildewy. It's a mildew test.

[Tara Ariano]

So this, this may be the last episode of the podcast before you die of cheap yardia. Fashion feature number two is called Wearing Air. And this is. They really shot their wad with the vacation story with all the beaches, which is like 23 pages long because then they only have four pages for this eyelet story. And it's all basically white pants. Take a chance, wear white with holes in it. See how it goes.

[Pamela Ribon]

Count those birth control pills and then go wide.

[Tara Ariano]

The first page, the largest photo on it has a Todd Oldham top from back when he was a fashion designer. I think of him only as being Amy Sedaris friend who did home design after that. But this point, he's. He's making tops and he's making a lacy sort of white sleeveless affair. It is $136 in 1991, which in today's dollars would be, I don't know, 987. It's like I can't imagine spending this as a 16 year old, which I was at the time. But I've been chasing a top like this basically my whole life. I've bought so many tops from Bowdoin that are in this spirit that just never, never fit me right. It's, it's heartbreaking to see it again. You know what else is heartbreaking? Bloomers on this page, too.

[Pamela Ribon]

White Sleeveless affair is what they're calling that documentary on Netflix about the Coldplay couple.

[Tara Ariano]

What next? I haven't had one of these in a while. This one is called Just Add Water, and it's about clothes that are waterproof. This is a topic of recent discussion in our house because Dave had a windbreaker that we thought would was maybe waterproof or raincoat. Turned out it was just water resistant.

[Dave]

Yeah. Not the good kind of resistant. Kind of just like buckles down and accepts things for the way they are wet.

[Pamela Ribon]

That's the way we all are. We're all water resistant.

[Dave]

Yeah. Pick it up. I'm putting down. All right, Pam.

[Tara Ariano]

So one of the garments they're trying to sell you is a fireman jacket in quotation marks, and it is $192, which in $2025, I guess is about $4,000. Yeah, this is by Calvin Klein Sport. She's wearing it with tights and galoshes. It looks super cute. Went online to see, like, surely if I were a firefighter, there's somewhere on the Internet where I can buy gear. Like, you know, outfitters. Exactly.

[Dave]

Yep.

[Tara Ariano]

Then found one on ebay that was a vintage firefighter coat. Cheaper than the one that is for sale in Sassy from 30 plus years ago. It is $123.45. It's real cute. We'll link it in the show notes.

[Dave]

Do you remember probably about 10 years on from 1991, the six months where fireman pants were the hot thing?

[Tara Ariano]

Sure.

[Dave]

And it was just like, well, you finally found one, you bought them, and now you can't wear them anymore. We're done. We're done with fireman's pants. I thought they were really cool. I really wanted a pair. I thought they were the bee's knees. And then the just like, oh, I'm glad I didn't buy those because they were really expensive and nobody wears them.

[Pamela Ribon]

Now you can wear them, but you just gotta go do Magic Mike live and still put them on.

[Dave]

I've done that.

[Pamela Ribon]

Some of these are cute. I really thought this was gonna look like I'm wearing a costume. This is heavy. But this little green one down here, this is great. Next thing you know, Jason's gonna be walking around in vintage fire gear. I can see it coming. I can see it coming. We went through the Swedish military already. This one's definitely coming up next.

[Tara Ariano]

Also in my search results, when I went looking for that firefighter coat was a Japanese fire chief kimono. And I'M not going to wear this either, for obvious reasons. But it looks so cool. We'll link this in the show.

[Dave]

Wait, is it an actual item or is it just a mishmash fashion statement? Like, what I'm asking is, is this a piece of workwear that actually existed? There is a Japanese fire chief somewhere in the present or past that would have worn this kimono.

[Tara Ariano]

That seems to be the case because there are multiple different ones, like, from different areas.

[Dave]

Well, kimonos are sort of like a presentation piece a lot of the times. Right. They're sort of not. I don't know how you. It's sort of like a marine dress uniform.

[Tara Ariano]

Sure.

[Dave]

Right.

[Tara Ariano]

Well, imagine a kimono, but it has, like, you know, reflective. I mean, they're not reflective, but white. Big white stripes, like all of the fireman jackets that you're accustomed to seeing. It's very cool.

[Pamela Ribon]

There's one for $2,300, but it is awesome.

[Tara Ariano]

Also on this page for what next, we got rubber ducky boots by Sporto. This was something that I had. I convinced my. My mother to get these for me in lieu of boots, and she was like, these are not winter boots. I'm not going to get them for you because we live in Saskatchewan. And I was like, no, but they're going to look so good with my new coat because they were red, and my coat was teal with red accents. And she was like, fine. She was right. They were not warm at all. It was terrible choice. I really learned a lesson that day. Sometimes your mother is right.

[Pamela Ribon]

You know, it rains three times a year here in la, but we still have. We have all of our umbrellas and rain boots just ready to go at any minute. So I got a pair of Pendleton, was making these Chelsea rain boots, and I bought these at the national park at the Grand Tetons. Hold for laughter. And they're so cute. And people stop me all the time to ask about them on the three days that it's raining because they are comf. They are stylish. And now you can find them on ebay and Poshmark and all that at a relatively affordable rate because they made a bunch of them for a bunch of different parks. And they're super cute.

[Tara Ariano]

Wow, these are really cute.

[Pamela Ribon]

They're nice inside because they have that, like, wool. They will not. You will not be cold in these. And I have the red pair, but look how pretty those white ones are.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, I love it.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yeah. And they're suit. They're on super sale. They're like 60 bucks right now. Go out and get them. Get some. Get them for your next year's.

[Tara Ariano]

Haven't had this in a while either. We wear it this time. They're reviewing the best black tights we've got. Ones that are durable, ribby, shiny, comfy, sexy, or skinifying.

[Dave]

Ribby.

[Tara Ariano]

Ribby. Under ribby. Amy is our reviewer and Amy writes, look, if I had legs like Paulina's, I would wear hot pants and sheer stockings daily. But I was adapted by farm animals and thus have limbs of the oxen variety. Okay, wait. What if you were adopted? Why do you have the same build? That doesn't make any sense.

[Pamela Ribon]

You eat what they eat.

[Tara Ariano]

Okay, fair enough. Anyway, she says Calvin Klein tights are great. They are opaque and therefore slimming. I. I do remember the search is always with black tights. You want the ones that are a hundred percent opaque, that do not admit any light or any skin through them, and it's. This is what you want the most. I don't think I ever found one that I was 100% thrilled with, honestly. But, you know, now I live in Texas tights. My tight stays are behind me. So Comfy is reviewed by Janet, who writes, I was bummed when I realized my K bell tights were 90% nylon and 10% Lycra. Since I'm used to mostly cotton tights. How does that work?

[Dave]

Aren't those leg warmers?

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, I mean, basically, they're not even leggings if they're mostly cotton, like as you're gonna wear them for 10 minutes and they're gonna be all baggy in the knees. What's the point? I don't get it.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yeah, you are wrestling with those. Well, you're mess. You're or you're very tiny. Like that's what you put on dolls. Mostly cotton tights. Right, like that. You are small. You do not have a butt like you are. You're just like. And then I put my cotton tights on and then my ballerina slippers. Because I'm a ballerina.

[Tara Ariano]

I was thinking, well, she's the Australian, so, you know, maybe she just wants something that's going to breathe. But that's Jacinta. This is Janet. So.

[Dave]

Well, they stay up because they're upside down.

[Tara Ariano]

But it's not her. I had. I mixed up my Js, so it's not even her.

[Pamela Ribon]

And then we have skinifying. Jacinta says my DKNY tights fit me like a pair of support hose. Did I do that well?

[Tara Ariano]

Yep.

[Pamela Ribon]

They smoothed out all my lumps and bumps. Perfect for my mini. I also liked how pitch black they are. These are the best tights. Defo. Yes. They're great. I remember getting them. I remember just thinking how cool I was that it said bkny. Remember how cool that felt? I don't know what's wrong with us, but in any event, they still make them. They are great. They are good for top coverage. The very quickest Oscar story is because my dress was so very see through. The whole concern was how do I wear support hose under this without everybody seeing the seam? So we went through a lot of pairs and it turns out it is really hard to get a pair of hose that don't have a seam somewhere. They don't make them that way.

[Dave]

That's what this podcast is almost called.

[Tara Ariano]

Making it. This is a theme. Haven't seen this in a while either. This one is build a better vest. Like all making it projects. I'm not gonna do this. I'm never gonna pretend to even do this. But the concept of this one is buy a vest, then sew a.

[Pamela Ribon]

Give it a new book cover.

[Tara Ariano]

Exactly. Sew a scarf on the back and give it a little more visual interest. 91 is like, this is the back half of the first season of 90210. I definitely can remember this being a big fashion moment for from this point, for like the next maybe after this, where a certain kind of very cool girl can pull this off and everyone else can't. But anytime they would put Brenda in just a vest and like maybe a tank top, she looked super cool. Again, not something I ever attempted. Never even just to wear. Never mind the project.

[Dave]

Get confident. Stupid. That's the trick.

[Pamela Ribon]

It says they chose an Hermes esque equestrian motif, but it also, like, get a little bit of idea, barring from Hermes. And I just all I was like, oh, my God, what if you don't know and you went into your mom's closet and you went and got her mascara and then you cut it up and you pasted it to your shitty vest. Yes, you are still grounded. 7:20. Sassy. Go. When do you get out? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This made me so nervous for other people. Like, it had to have happened to someone where they just didn't know. Maybe not just. In any event, if I. Oh, my God. It still makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't say ask your mom's for. It doesn't say anything. It's just like, go get one of these. Chop it up. Yeah, go to town.

[Tara Ariano]

Good luck.

[Pamela Ribon]

Good luck.

[Tara Ariano]

Good Lord. We have one beauty feature this month. It's called why this Face? Weirdly aggressive, but it is basically the minute by minute ish story of how they made the COVID Starting with be born with blonde hair, green eyes, and tall jeans. That's what happened to Shannon on September 18, 1973. And then they go through. You take up gymnastics, start school, volunteer to let your mom's friend's hair salon photograph. You start reading Sassy in 1989, by the way, fake fan. Then send your pictures to agencies to try and get a model, blah, blah, cut to you get cast for this cover. And you have to wait for the sun to come out and go away and someone chases you away from the place that they're trying to shoot it. Basically, it's a lot of hurry up and wait. I think a lot of times when they do detailed drill downs on what modeling is like, it's because they get so many letters from people wanting to get into modeling and they think it's very glam. And most of the time when they're doing detailed stories like this, it's like it's not that fun. You're sitting around a lot. A lot of it is annoying. You have a million people fussing over you. The process of going through it is a hassle, but it's still pretty glam. And she looks incredible. Even in these candid shots when she's getting her lipstick put on, she looks so cute, so good for Shannon, she's pretty. They do say at one point they have to tell her not to smile too much because, quote, shannon's grin can look gummy. And again, this is also demystifying modeling because you can be stunningly beautiful. And some in a magazine is still going to say you have a gummy smile. So, Shannon, if you're out there, your gut, your smile is fine. I can't see any gums. You're great. And I'm sure you're still gorgeous because of the genes that you were born with. On September 18, 1973.

[Pamela Ribon]

All right, this month's About Face begins with Disc O Makeup, Jordache's new cosmetic disc CD for short. Get it? Comes with nine eyeshadows, three blushes, three applicators, and a mirror. Yeah, but can you dance to it? When you look at this picture, it's just powdered crap. Because I assume as soon as you bought this at Eckerds and brought it home and opened it, this is how it came. Just a bunch of crumbled bullshit that is filled with what Was it called talc mica? What is it that you should not put by your eyes? It's shimmery. It's.

[Tara Ariano]

It's terrible.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's terrible makeup that Jordache shoved into a CD to sell to me. I'll buy. If it was on an Instagram ad, I'd be like, click, click, click.

[Tara Ariano]

What do you want me to buy today, Lady Gaga?

[Pamela Ribon]

Click, click, click, click, click. I love your foundation. She knows a lot about.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, I'm sure they messed it up on purpose to like, you know, give it, give the photo some interest, but it really just does make it look cheap.

[Dave]

Yeah, if they didn't mess it up, it would look like a computer console from a 1973 sci fi movie. Starlock Jam.

[Tara Ariano]

Yep. Learn how to shave your legs, right? Send a self addressed stamped envelope to Personal Touch Shaving Guide. Blah, blah, blah. I was sucked into this thinking like, oh, it's like as if it was, you know, the, the shaving board. I don't know who I thought it was because I forgot there is a brand called Personal Touch. I believe it was Schick's lady lady brand.

[Pamela Ribon]

Pink.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, they weren't. They were like brown tortoise shell. People are still somehow selling them online. Don't buy razors from the 90s on eBay, guys. I mean, we're gonna link it just so you can see what the packaging looked like. Do not buy this, though. Just a little rave for those plagued with over functioning polite for oily skin. You just can't beat Chanel's new base pill Tay Total Protection Matte lotion. When you put it on either alone or under foundation, it moisturizes and softens your skin. And it protects it from the sun with an SPF of 15, which I think is like, don't bother. But best of all, it absorbs excess oil for hours, giving you a great matte finish. In other words, it's worth every penny you'll have to hoard in order to buy the stuff. So of course I was curious to see if this product is still made because this is a problem that I have. Could not find it. They did a toner up until recently, but everywhere that used to have it, it was sold out. Found something similar. Guess how much this Chanel product that smooths firms and Mattifies is for.1.7 fluid ounces. Don't click.

[Pamela Ribon]

Oh my God, I clicked it.

[Dave]

Okay, well, Dave, guess $1 million.

[Tara Ariano]

Guess for real.

[Dave]

$250.

[Tara Ariano]

Oh, pretty close. 180. What if you found out I bought.

[Pamela Ribon]

This.

[Tara Ariano]

To use with my drugstore moisturizer.

[Dave]

I wouldn't be surprised if Pam bought it. I ain't gonna add it to my drawer of things.

[Tara Ariano]

No, but I think Pam is more like spending a little money on a lot of things based on the Instagram ads.

[Pamela Ribon]

Like, I never bought, like, La Mer or whatever. Like, I don't need to know. First of all, I don't want to know that that works. And now that's what I've bought into monthly.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah.

[Pamela Ribon]

I might for skincare. I'm still a Dr. Hauschka girl. Been doing it the whole time. No complaints. It's great. It used to be very pricey for my price point when I was younger, but it. As I've aged into it, it's okay. It's an okay amount.

[Tara Ariano]

Whereas I am the person who Googles best drugstore brand, whatever product I'm trying to find, which is how I got my current neck cream. It is a number seven, which I think is at least English.

[Dave]

Why I use mane and tail shampoo.

[Tara Ariano]

Your hair would probably be great if you did. Main and tail is good for you.

[Dave]

What? Shinier?

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, might be thicker.

[Dave]

Let's try it.

[Tara Ariano]

Okay.

[Dave]

Right now, honestly, I mean, people are probably going to yell at me. I wash my hair with Dr. Bronner's.

[Tara Ariano]

No, no shampoo in the shower.

[Pamela Ribon]

You just Dr. Bronzes.

[Dave]

I have very oily hair. It gets rid of the oil.

[Tara Ariano]

Well, if it works.

[Pamela Ribon]

Gets rid of your. It gets rid of a lot. Gets rid of a lot.

[Dave]

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, so people are talking over it. This is what Pam just said. All in one hair from God.

[Tara Ariano]

Does it.

[Pamela Ribon]

Is it the mint? Like, I think it says right on there? Like.

[Tara Ariano]

Okay, no, I. I used to use Dr. Bronner's too. And then I heard you're not supposed to use it because of.

[Dave]

I love it.

[Tara Ariano]

Lady parts.

[Dave]

Oh, it burns off everything on your genitals the first couple times. Enough that you don't feel it. First couple times, you're like, oh, no. What. What about what's happened?

[Tara Ariano]

And then. But for me, I'd be like, oh, no. Where did three of my tampons go? The Dr. Bronner's Burn them off?

[Dave]

Yeah, it just. They just eat your nerve endings down there or something. I don't know what's going on, but I. I feel nothing. Clank, clank. Nothing. Nothing down there. But, yeah, I just. I mean, it decomplicates my life. In the shower. I only got one bottle to deal with. Put it everywhere. Get Thirsty?

[Tara Ariano]

Have a little drink.

[Dave]

Clean as a whistle. Yeah, you bet you.

[Pamela Ribon]

Wow.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah. Meanwhile, I, for about half a bottle, was using shampoo as body wash, not realizing that's what it was.

[Dave]

The bottles were identical except for a 10 point font that said body wash versus shampoo.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, it worked fine.

[Pamela Ribon]

So now we do.

[Tara Ariano]

It's all the same stuff, I'm sure.

[Pamela Ribon]

Oh my God.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara Ariano]

Well, Pam, guess what? We wash the dishes in it too.

[Pamela Ribon]

Then we drop a little in the toilet. Shaky. Shiki, shiki, good to go.

[Tara Ariano]

Zits and stuff. Fingernail nightmare. I don't know how to take care of my nails so they don't get soft and break off period.

[Dave]

Wait, can you say that again? Can you say that again? Do that again.

[Tara Ariano]

Yes. Fingernail nightmare. I don't know how to take care of my nails so they don't get soft and break off, period. Well, that's not a question, Anonymous. That's all I wanted.

[Dave]

Wait, is that a thing your nails get too soft? Isn't always the opposite. Your nails are like gross and hard and chippy.

[Pamela Ribon]

Rarely that rarely the hard.

[Dave]

Is it all the Dr. Bronner's I use because I can stop bullets with these things. I'm like Wonder Woman without the cuffs.

[Tara Ariano]

If you do things with your nails, like, you know, polish them and stuff, then when you take the polish off, then they're weaker usually. So this is why it would not be a thing that you experience. Probably.

[Dave]

But like, yet you people still polish your nails.

[Pamela Ribon]

Look, blame the patriarchy.

[Dave]

Really. I think I might blame the matriarchy for this one.

[Pamela Ribon]

No, that's true.

[Dave]

You seem like you might be a little dumb. Matriarchy sounds a little stupid for this one.

[Pamela Ribon]

I have the genetically soft nails that they're talking about here. My mom's nails are like. They're like oyster shells. Like clam shells. No, my mom's got like ticky tiki, like bank teller. Natural length, strong nails that could to dig out mine. So soft.

[Dave]

Because you haven't worked a day in your life. You don't till the soil, you know, you don't cobble your own shoes.

[Pamela Ribon]

In fact, sometimes I have worked so hard that I get a little ingrown nail and it'll bleed and it'll. I'm bleeding on the keys. Bleeding on the keys. Like, like what I do gives. Like fucking matters. But the wait.

[Dave]

So working so hard in this context, bleeding on the keys means you're just typing furiously, doing your screenplays.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yeah, I learned recaps. Yeah. But like I.

[Dave]

Wait, wait, Wait, I got something in reply to this.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's appropriate. It's appropriate. Yeah. Like, my nails are terrible. They always have been. So I take collagen and I take biotin and I take nine vitamins that they say will fix it any minute now. Great nails.

[Dave]

When Tara comes home from a beautifying experience, she has to prompt me to tell her whatever it is has changed, has changed, and it looks so great now. Because, I mean, if. Unless it's something drastic, it's true, I don't notice. It's not like I'm trying to be a jerk. My brain just doesn't fire those neurons.

[Tara Ariano]

I don't do that with my nails because I know you don't care or notice.

[Dave]

Right?

[Tara Ariano]

But when I come back from a.

[Dave]

Haircut, you'd think I'd notice.

[Tara Ariano]

You think you didn't notice when I dyed my hair? We talked about it on this podcast.

[Dave]

Well, it was pretty dark. Dijo.

[Tara Ariano]

That's true.

[Dave]

You know, you do have dark hair to start with. It's probably all the Dr. Bronner I use in my hair, soaking into my brain and destroying neurons and I can't connect them anymore.

[Tara Ariano]

It's changing your eyes. Skin looks dirty. My problem is that some places on my body, knees, elbows, underarms, look dirty. Even though I bathe and shave every day, I'm Hispanic, so my skin is slightly dark. Is there anything I can do about this? Please buy the buff puff that is on the ad directly beside this page because you have dead skin. That's what it is. And that's basically what they say. Unperming a perm. Please help. Although my hair is permed and pretty damaged, you really can't tell because of the curls and styling products I use. However, now I want my hair straight and I don't want to use mousse, gel, etc. Can you reverse a perm and do I have other options? Signed Nicole Kidman, who's going to be reportedly bald 30 years from now, wearing wigs and every single thing she's ever in. Allegedly.

[Dave]

It's not true.

[Tara Ariano]

Is that true? That's the rumor.

[Pamela Ribon]

New to me.

[Dave]

Does she look like she's wearing wigs?

[Tara Ariano]

Oh, yes.

[Pamela Ribon]

Oh, yeah.

[Tara Ariano]

Including in that one with Hugh Grant. The undoing, where she was wearing a wig that looked like her hair from Eyes Wide, not Eyes Wide.

[Dave]

What would have happened? Her hair just stops growing because of all the stuff. Like it's.

[Tara Ariano]

The rumor is that she's done so much to it that it's just damaged. So it's.

[Pamela Ribon]

That's what Ricky Lake said, right? Like, all her hair was out and then she found some product and now she has hair.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah. That's why I was so excited when this letter came up. I was like, finally a chance to use this knowledge that I have.

[Pamela Ribon]

Anyway, the Jeopardy Category. Wig. Boop boop boop. So excited. I hope the daily double's there. The answer they give. Jen says, here's the deal. According to Vidal Sassoon expert Jane Eyre. I. I just feel like this was a test to see if we're reading. Are we reading? They like, there's gonna be a letter later that was like 38 of you wrote in about it. Good that. We just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Nobod named Jane Eyre. And then they work for Videl Sassoon.

[Tara Ariano]

Come on.

[Pamela Ribon]

It did not happen to me. My name was Jane Eyre. I think I've probably already mentioned this before, but just in case I haven't, our last letter is unhappy Audi. This is a bit embarrassing for me, but here goes. I am an Audi who does not like being such. We're not talking about severance. Do you know if there are any surgical techniques that could turn my outy into an innie? Please don't laugh. Signed, wish I were an innie. And they were like, what? I don't know. It's just a. It's just a birth scar that. How's that supposed to make you feel better? It's just a weird freak birth scar. Get over yourself. The size and shape of your navel could be changed surgically for between seven hundred and seventeen hundred dollars at cosmetic surgeon's office, that is. And it results in some soreness, but the bandage comes off in a few days. Or you could do what my sister did and just poke at it for about a year and then it'll go in. That is what she did.

[Tara Ariano]

Like, no.

[Pamela Ribon]

With such. I guess I haven't told the story. She hated her Audi so much.

[Tara Ariano]

But wait.

[Pamela Ribon]

Not the kind you drive.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pamela Ribon]

Okay. She just. When we watch tv, she'd just be jamming her finger in there like, pookety, poke, poke, poke, poke, jam, jam, poke, poke. Just sticking it in there like a thumb in her mouth because she used to suck her thumb. And I think she was like, if I can't do that, how about I do this? Just corked it up and eventually it gave. It gave.

[Dave]

How have you not incorporated that into some of your screenplays or something? That feels very.

[Pamela Ribon]

Sometimes they're not my stories to tell, Dave.

[Tara Ariano]

No, I don't believe me, they would believe this. I have questions though, just with her. Like her fingers. She didn't use an implement.

[Dave]

Did she have a bespoke implement?

[Tara Ariano]

Well, I don't know if she was using like a Sharpie or something.

[Dave]

She had one of those poking fingers from the 70s on the stick.

[Tara Ariano]

Futurama.

[Pamela Ribon]

She had this thing that Dave made me buy, I think just lighters, Sharpies, everything you've said.

[Dave]

Wait. 720sassy. Go guess, predict what the Dave thing is it could be used for.

[Pamela Ribon]

Sounds like.

[Dave]

That's one clue.

[Tara Ariano]

Poking a navel specifically.

[Pamela Ribon]

That's the sound it makes.

[Dave]

The sound it makes. We just heard it. So seven twenties has to go. Closest person to the real object will win something.

[Pamela Ribon]

Please sign in one of the objects.

[Dave]

Win one of the objects.

[Tara Ariano]

So that's another hint. I guess it's something that's affordable enough that we might send it to you.

[Dave]

Or maybe we're just flush with cash for some reason.

[Pamela Ribon]

Maybe winnable. You would like it. It's not terrible, you know.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah.

[Pamela Ribon]

It tease me that I buy everything someone tells me to buy. But he told me to buy it. I bought it, I use it.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Instead of poking your Audi into an innie, what you could do is you build up your skin around your Audi so that the skin is higher than your Audi. So then it looks like an innie.

[Tara Ariano]

Wow.

[Dave]

Yeah. Like a little crater around your Audi.

[Pamela Ribon]

I think she only used her finger, Tara. And. And that. But I could be wrong at some point. It wasn't my business and I wasn't around for all the hours, but I do feel like.

[Dave]

At what point wasn't it your business?

[Pamela Ribon]

Well, I mean, when I wasn't babysitting her sometimes I was off the clock.

[Tara Ariano]

I'm still upset. I'm worried that she like gave herself some kind of hernia adjacent.

[Dave]

Poke your outie on your own time, sis.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's not the worst thing she's done to her body. She has in Cantonese letters over her vagina. Love it or leave it. We are two very different people.

[Tara Ariano]

No, no.

[Pamela Ribon]

Not to say identifying marks that my younger sister has.

[Tara Ariano]

But yes, sister.

[Pamela Ribon]

No more different man. Love or leave.

[Tara Ariano]

No.

[Dave]

It's good to have options.

[Tara Ariano]

I'm upset.

[Pamela Ribon]

Well, you should be upset.

[Tara Ariano]

I am.

[Pamela Ribon]

My God.

[Dave]

Oh, we gotta move on.

[Pamela Ribon]

No, that's a different podcast. Pam's sister. I'm all for it.

[Tara Ariano]

Later ads, page 19. We have oil of Ole. Trying to get into the not an old bitch category of selling shit. This is for people who aren't the fiction Character protagonists Old ass mother from this issue. This is telling people who are in their 20s or younger, like Jennifer Capriotti, you're never too young to start taking care of your skin. Use Oil of Olay Sensitive skin. You can tell it's for sensitive skin because it's got a pink ribbon tied around it. And I very clearly remember this moment where it was like this too. Now like I'm supposed to be worrying about zits and also worrying about wrinkles at the same time.

[Pamela Ribon]

Off.

[Tara Ariano]

And that's how I still feel.

[Dave]

You think Oil Valet, if they were trying to capture this market, would have had a special edition hip and cool packaging that didn't look like it was made for your 90 year old grandma. Because this black, white and gold label just screams old cosmetic company.

[Tara Ariano]

Well, and it's still the same logo with the, you know, the face and the hands very stylized. It's, it looks, it looks like an old lady.

[Dave]

Do you think the Oil of Olay logo and the Starbucks logo ever hang out together?

[Tara Ariano]

Yes. And you know what they talk about, Dave? How the USA logo is a dolphin giving someone a blue.

[Dave]

Yeah, sure is. Just look at the USA Network logo for long enough and you'll see it.

[Pamela Ribon]

Dear friend, I'm trying to find it just because it's quite contradictory and we didn't pull it. But one of the ads this month later is like, don't use, you're not an old lady. Don't use these products. You don't stop treating your skin like old lady skin. You're a young person. You need like two things top. So you know, this is a very confusing time of, of Magazine Life, page.

[Tara Ariano]

23 introducing the no worry, no show maxi and the way they illustrate how always Ultra plus is thinner than ever and no one's definitely ever going to be able to tell that you're wearing it is by showing nine photos in a grid of crotches and butts. Just to underline for your personal anxiety slideshow. Everyone's looking at your crotch and butt at all times, especially when you have your period, but just in general like this. So I'm sure it was very effective. Although I guess if you were really that worried about showing, you were not using pads anyway. But this is, this is anxiety fuel for sure.

[Dave]

If this ad, the photos in this ad were a tic tac toe game showing legs would have got it in the first column.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, you're right.

[Pamela Ribon]

It looks a little like a I am not a robot ad where you're like, show me the crotches. You're like, oh, damn it. Is that a crotch? That's a motorcycle. Oh, damn it. That was a bridge.

[Dave]

Yeah. Middle. Middle. Right. Looks like it could be a vegetable.

[Pamela Ribon]

The one that's on a bike is also like, oof. I can't even. I hope that's the front of her.

[Tara Ariano]

Other than her arm, it is hard to tell because the seat doesn't look like it's big enough.

[Pamela Ribon]

So Here on page 27, this is an ad you would not know by looking at it. It's a lady on a beach with her top down. And it says, purity in style. Purity in nature. And it's for kms.

[Dave]

KMS is gonna rock. Yeah.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, kms.

[Pamela Ribon]

And then in case you don't know what it is, it says, ask your hairdresser. So this. This was. This was one of those where I'm like, who is. This is not an ad for young girls, except for the fact that they're pushing purity twice, which I find frustrating. So it's like, ladies, when you take your top off, be pure about it. Put some mousse in your hair.

[Tara Ariano]

Her hair is so short. This is not hair for a hair ad. Like, no offense, if people have short hair.

[Dave]

Also, the hair looks like it's trying to eat her face.

[Tara Ariano]

Yes, it does.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's covered in mousse.

[Dave]

It's growing from her fontanelle.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yes.

[Dave]

And it's trying to eat her facial features. And there's not a lot of hair. So it looks very deliberate.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's a comb over. It's heavily, heavily gelled.

[Tara Ariano]

It is.

[Dave]

I think it's the inspiration for that terrible scene in the new Superman movie where the nanites are trying to eat his face.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah. Spoiler, spoiler, spoiler. The other thing about this is that, you know, kms, the brand KMS is gonna rock.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara Ariano]

Advertised here. You know, it. It means something different now. And I feel like it's like, go to your hairdresser and tell them you're gonna kms. They're gonna call in a wellness check for you because that means something else. Now.

[Pamela Ribon]

What does it mean?

[Dave]

Kill myself.

[Tara Ariano]

Oh, that's like Internet abbreviation for kill myself. That's what people put in as a sub for, you know, as a joke so that they don't get their posts banned or moderated or whatever.

[Dave]

Neat.

[Tara Ariano]

Cut that, obviously.

[Dave]

Nope.

[Tara Ariano]

Okay, so then starting on page quote 33, I guess the numeration is tough in this issue, but they. We have a little booklet that's all bold hold. And we heard all about, you know, when you got A magazine around this time you would hope to get a little booklet like this of Benetton. All the little Benetton looks that were so colorful and fun and boldhold. I think they would forgive me saying is is no Benetton as far as ads go or advertisers. But I was amazed at how long this thing goes on. Especially when they actually get to the hairstyles on like page 36 and 37. They are all so old lady ish. One of them is just like plain hair with a headband. It's like what? You don't need bolt hold for this. It's just how you woke up.

[Pamela Ribon]

They explain it very confusingly. Make an off center part and blow dry. Why you're putting an Alice band on top of it. Why am I. Oh, I guess I can see up there they have it off to the side. But.

[Dave]

But isn't the whole point of bolt hold is so you don't have to use something else to hold your hair in place. Shouldn't you be able to spray yourself an Alice band with this. This industrial spirit gum spray Goo.

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah. Also this girl looks like Kate Hudson with like 20% more chin.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yes.

[Tara Ariano]

I just want to say for you know, in the. In the interest of transparency if you were standing next to me while I put on hairspray which is aerosol and it is the. It's not bold hold because it's not literal glue. But it's the second most hold that I can get again at the drugstore. I'm gonna say it's like a 32 count how long I'm spraying my hair just to get it to do this. Which is nothing special. This is just to go to the dentist today. My hair has a mind of its own.

[Dave]

You're on the same page with Shin Hudson. Is the white snake video girl so good.

[Pamela Ribon]

Little tawny catain.

[Tara Ariano]

She does look Connie to contain. Yes.

[Dave]

A little more Vaseline on that lens please.

[Pamela Ribon]

And then did we talk about this Sassy hotline before here on page 72.

[Tara Ariano]

I feel like we must have. But maybe not. Maybe I'm thinking of the video that you buy.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yeah. I just feel like oh no, they made a 900 number. Like things must be going badly. The sassy hotline has you pick up the phone. It says, you know what's it all about Alfie? Timely for teenage girls. Well, you pick up the phone and you call the hotline. It's designed just for you. It's also sassy. Words can cannot express. Thrill to Sassy's compatiscope tells you whether or not your star signs align with Christian Slater's Winona riders, Johnny Depp's, etc. And then more star signs, more astrology. There's say what? Like the column only you get to use your vocal cords instead of a pen. Tell us anything, then help. You can talk to us about your problems. You'll hear other people's problems. Then Sassy spotlight. If you've done something courageous, you can nominate yourself or a friend. And then we'll call you and we'll edit it. We'll interview on this hotline. This hotline costs $2 the first minute, $1 each additional minute. This is so expensive to get your hot. Your horoscope read. It's gotta be 10, $15. You were in so much trouble. So it's limit two calls per week. But how do they know? 7:20. Sassy.

[Tara Ariano]

Go.

[Pamela Ribon]

Did you ever call the sassy hotline? How much did you spend and how long were you grounded? We can't wait to find out.

[Tara Ariano]

People getting grounded a lot this month.

[Pamela Ribon]

This is a rough one.

[Tara Ariano]

Page 77. We got a new sun in AD. Summer is coming. They want to. This is prime sun in time. They want to send you to the drugstore to buy your sun in gentle, natural lemon. I'm scared of what happens to you if you try to use super sun in. Speaking of people's hair falling off.

[Dave]

Okay, there's two, there's two photos in this ad. There is a little kid and you know this little kid all grown up and being a beach babe in California somewhere.

[Tara Ariano]

Or so you're to believe. Yes, yes.

[Dave]

Okay, first of all, the little child is terrifying.

[Tara Ariano]

She's so pale.

[Dave]

She's got some village of the dam stuff going on.

[Tara Ariano]

She looks like a haunted doll.

[Dave]

Yes, she looks like a haunted doll. But both of their hair looks terrible.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's very damaged.

[Dave]

Yeah, it looks. Yeah, like straw kinda.

[Pamela Ribon]

It looks like they put sun in. In it.

[Dave]

Well, yeah, I mean, I guess. But it looks like the hair is made out of twine or something. There's something very wrong about it.

[Pamela Ribon]

Well, I'm very concerned about silk and all the chemical that they are. That they are saying.

[Dave]

I think that's an alternative milk.

[Tara Ariano]

What? That's science. It's on the periodic table. Pam, what are you talking about?

[Pamela Ribon]

Silk and all I do take a cup of silk and all of it's really helping with my. Keeps me regular.

[Tara Ariano]

It's probably also good for your nails.

[Pamela Ribon]

Yes, probably. Probably keeps you regular.

[Dave]

Sun in will do that too. Just chug it away from there.

[Pamela Ribon]

Delicious.

[Dave]

Sorry, do you want a silk and all update?

[Tara Ariano]

Yeah, please.

[Dave]

Silkonol is a silicone gum product by some performance materials companies using cosmetics, personable care products to provide conditioning, shine, heat protection and a soft silky feel to hair and skin.

[Tara Ariano]

Diary. We find out they just moved offices and the building that they moved to on Park Avenue, they moved to the Helmsley Building. As in Leona Helmsley. That's who it was named for. Still is named for her despite you know, all of the disgrace. But they describe the, the ceilings of the elevators having like are painted with clouds and they still are. So we'll put a picture in the show. Notes of beautiful these elevators are. It's like real fancy historic building. Was probably pretty cool to move in there until everything started going to hell. All of these other titles started dying one by one. Ms. Working Woman, working Mother and Success.

[Dave]

Boy, that was a tough day at Success magazine. We have one job, guys.

[Tara Ariano]

You know what else? Working Woman not so great either. Ditto Working Mother. All these are bad.

[Dave]

Across the hall, record year for Failure magazine.

[Tara Ariano]

They also introduced their newest writer, Margie Engel. We'll link to her website. And her little house guy. No, no relation I'm pretty sure. But there's just a little blurb. She was the the author of the five Jobs that Aren't Lame story and she was very thrilled about it. She saw the layout, she was so excited. And then they told her she had to cut 77 lines to fill the layout. That is so many lines. It's a two page story. Make the picture smaller. What's wrong with you people? I don't know how she did it, but she did. That's very difficult. Congratulations, Margie. Welcome and fuck you. I guess kind of the lesson of this.

[Pamela Ribon]

This month's say what starts with some letters about their Going Hunting feature. Allison from Tallahassee, Florida writes, where most of my relatives live, hunting is as natural as breathing. My 9 year old cousin just killed her first buck. I'm not sending a congratulations card. Nobody can honestly believe these people hunt out of concern for the deer population. My message to hunters, go to the library. Check out. Well, there's a grammar problem here. Go ahead, Tara, go to the library. Checkout is what it says. Go to the library, check out the most dangerous game and see what it's like to be on the other side of the shotgun. Oh, and to Brian Friday, go eat some Milk Duds. Allison. This is the most like impassioned teen. Why don't you go read the world's Most Dangerous Game. This piece of nonfiction and find out what it's like to be on the other side of a shotgun. Oh my God. Breathless with Teen Passion, this one. I really enjoyed this letter. My 9 year old cousin just killed her for it. Sounds like the problem's coming from inside the house. Allison, why are you writing to Sassy? Oh, gosh. Go eat some Milk Duds. I don't even remember why that's a burn.

[Tara Ariano]

Because isn't that what the animal droppings were compared to? Oh, go eat.

[Pamela Ribon]

You know what? You do not have any cognitive decline. And I'm so impressed, Tara. It's hard over here on the other side. You know why?

[Tara Ariano]

Because I.

[Dave]

Because the average of the house has to be somewhere in the middle because.

[Tara Ariano]

I haven't gotten into menopause yet. I have my period right now. I'm fucking fifth 50 period smarts.

[Pamela Ribon]

Look at you. Just. I bet you have so much hair and thoughts and when you walk into a room, you know why? And I bet you didn't sweat at all last night. I bet you just slept. Did you pee six times last night and each time have to change your clothes. I bet you didn't.

[Dave]

Wait, why did you have to change your clothes each time?

[Pamela Ribon]

Because I'm so sweaty.

[Dave]

Okay, you say so. Sounds like you peed your pants six times to me.

[Pamela Ribon]

No, I woke up sweaty. Just. Just dripping. People come near me while sleeping. They're like, oh no, what happened to Mom?

[Tara Ariano]

I'm sorry, Pam.

[Pamela Ribon]

He deserves.

[Tara Ariano]

Just call me Peemy.

[Pamela Ribon]

It's right there.

[Tara Ariano]

Next time. It's the April 1991. Sorry. We'll share our results in the Are you parent tolerant? Prank quiz, then play some of your latest voicemails.

[Dave]

You can follow the show on Blue sky at. Listen to Sassy. Tara is Tara Ariano. Pammy is P. Me Pammy. What was it?

[Pamela Ribon]

Pee me Peens.

[Dave]

Pee me pants. You can support us on Patreon. $5 a month gives you a whole bunch of great perks, including the full PDF of the magazine cover to cover. Even all the little booklets and posters if we got them. They're in the scans. Go to listen to Sassy.com Club to join today.

[Pamela Ribon]

You can also call us at 7:20 Sassy Go. Also known as the I'm grounded hotline. And if you leave us a voicemail, we'll probably play it on a future slumber party episode. You can find information about the podcast, links to all our visual aids, which are important when we're talking about something we can see that you can't. And contact info for all of us at listen to sassy dot com. Thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time.

[Tara Ariano]

Don't forget to call in about the thing that Pam was holding.

[Dave]

What is it?

[Tara Ariano]

I don't know what it is. What was.

[Pamela Ribon]

Is the length of 2F.