← Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s
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- [00:00]
Pam
Come along with me.
- [00:02]
Dave
Wanna ride with you. My horse, High Stepper does something really cool. It's hard to believe but we see with our eyes. You are not alone. What a surprise. Yeah, take the tram for fun. High Stepper, you know the way lead up to adventure grass ride every day. Hi, Stepper, we love riding with you. Oh, Dave.
- [00:26]
Pam
Dave. Awful.
- [00:34]
Dave
God.
- [00:36]
Pam
It is April 1991. Dave is feeling himself. The US minimum wage raises from 380 to four and a quarter, baby. Time to think about getting a proper joby job, because babysitting is a nightmare. Kids today do not know how to go to sleep before prime time. You need money to start making an impact on the world. Throw your support behind all the problems in this and all other countries to be able to afford the postage for your strongly worded letters and gas payments to Conor, who drives you to school every morning in his Jeep and charges you a dollar a day for the honor. Your parents think you still take the bus. Connor picks you up just a few houses down. Most of this dollar per day is blackmail. Also, doesn't look like Connor's ever going to kiss you. No matter how much you pay your bills on time.
- [01:21]
Dave
Ugh.
- [01:22]
Pam
Thank God there's a new issue of your favorite magazine arriving just in time to remind you how close you are to womanhood. And all this high school bullshit can be left in the dust. Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy.
- [01:37]
Dave
You know, they did you the favor of burying the bummer feature like so far into the issue. You have to turn a lot of pages before you even get it.
- [01:47]
Pam
Dave's like, nope, it was tempting to just listen to Sassy right at the. You know what? If you want it all, Dave, right after that gunshot. Yes, it's time to. Then you got it. You got it. You can just do it. Okay.
- [02:04]
Dave
Happy birthday, little Pam.
- [02:06]
Pam
Ah, Thanks. I turned 16 in April of 1991. And I'm sure it was easy for everyone involved.
- [02:15]
Dave
Sure.
- [02:18]
Pam
Just a chill.
- [02:19]
Conor
When I think of Pam, I think.
- [02:20]
Pam
Low maintenance, low maintenance, easy breezy, comes and goes. What is time? Who cares?
- [02:28]
Conor
What's the spine line mean?
- [02:30]
Dave
The spine line is Donnie is dead. And I presume they mean Donnie Wahlberg and that they're doing a Paul is dead reference. Okay, Sergeant Pepper, timely Donnie is not dead. Including in our timeline. He's very much alive.
- [02:44]
Pam
Later in this. Later in this issue, though, he's gonna be inappropriate. So, you know, maybe there's. Maybe that is a little bit of that of dead to me.
- [02:52]
Conor
Hey, Donnie Wahlberg.
- [02:58]
Pam
Dave in the commercial. Are they on a horse that clops like Monty Python style? What does it look like?
- [03:04]
Conor
It's a Barbie horse toggle a switch on its belly. It trots. That's pretty much it in the Barbie. You can ride it. You.
- [03:12]
Pam
Me too. Feature number one is inside a black debutante ball. Our author here is Christina. We are going to Columbus, Georgia, where we get a fly on the wall behind the scenes. Look at the Orkettes. This is a black women's social and civic organization. It's been around for 32 years at the time of this printing. And we meet a few of the young women of the 72 black girls who will be present to Columbus, Georgia, society.
- [03:46]
Conor
Okay, wait, before we get too far into this, what exactly is a debutante ball? Generally speaking, it feels medieval to me.
- [03:55]
Dave
It's not medieval, but in the olden times, this was when you would come out into society, and that was, like, alerting the community. She is now available for courting.
- [04:05]
Conor
Daughter on offer, basically. Okay, got it.
- [04:07]
Dave
Yeah.
- [04:08]
Pam
Yeah. Everything I know about this is from Crybaby, so I shouldn't. I shouldn't be trusted with any of my answers, but, you know, put her on display. She's. She's of bleeding and breeding age.
- [04:19]
Conor
Yeah. Okay, great. Thanks. I'm glad you said it, because I didn't feel like I could, but that was the impression I got.
- [04:24]
Dave
So if you. If you read Pride and Prejudice, this is why it's like a scandal. Or saw the movie.
- [04:30]
Pam
Any of it has it tattooed on his lower back.
- [04:33]
Dave
The reason that it's the whole novel, other than the obvious. The reason it's scandalous that Lydia goes on a runner is that she's not out yet. So she's like. That's one of the many ways she's.
- [04:45]
Conor
It's like going on rum Spring out before you're alive.
- [04:47]
Dave
Yes. She's. She's violating the social order and probably, like, eloping with this guy and fucking him.
- [04:54]
Pam
But these are traditionally. Well, I don't. This doesn't sound like the right word to say white spaces. And so we have the Orkettes that created a space for young black women to have their own debutante ball and have their own society and have squires and learn the minuet. And this is just Ren faire for wealthied.
- [05:16]
Dave
Yeah.
- [05:17]
Pam
I mean, your pinkies are up.
- [05:18]
Dave
Sure.
- [05:19]
Pam
Learn how to use your fork.
- [05:21]
Dave
When I moved to Ontario and started a new high school and found out they had sororities, I was, like, in high school.
- [05:28]
Conor
In high school and also in Canada.
- [05:30]
Dave
And also in the. Like, in the. Between four farms in fucking Niagara on the lake, which is where my high school was.
- [05:37]
Conor
American culture creeps into Canada insidious ways. But back in my day, we didn't have frats or sororities at all in. In the university system.
- [05:45]
Dave
I mean, right at the. You know, at some of the bigger ones they do in Canada, like, at Queens and UT and stuff, they have frats and sororities. They didn't at Brock, where we went. But all I was going to say about the high school thing is, like, it was pretty clear the point of having a sorority, especially in high school, is just like. Oh, it's just like. So you could have a club and exclude people. And that's what this is, too, basically. I think that's my impression.
- [06:07]
Pam
There's pictures of some of the girls and their. And the other orchids that are older, you know, the. Not seniors.
- [06:14]
Dave
No, like matriarchs of the community.
- [06:16]
Pam
Thank you. Thank you. That's the word I'm looking for. And you can tell that every single person associated thinks that they are the Cosby family in their neighborhood. Everybody here has Phylicia Bashad hair. In this bottom left. They're all doing various about to talk to Bill faces.
- [06:36]
Conor
Yeah, well, Godspeed to them.
- [06:39]
Dave
Yeah, it doesn't even sound like that fun. Like, when they're talking to the housekeeper and she's like, they invited me to go, but 70 girls are gonna get on and tell me what they want to do in the future. And I said, no, thank you. Like, they don't even eat until 11:30.
- [06:54]
Conor
It's like when you're at home and your parents are finally trying to instill some table manners on you, and you're like, elbows off the table. Chew with your mouth closed, and you're like, fuck all this. I want to be as feral as I want to be. I'll eat with my mouth open and spit crumbs until there's no tomorrow. But your social life, this is not.
- [07:11]
Pam
That different than, you know, other celebrations, like a quinceanera or bat mitzvah or whatever, you know?
- [07:18]
Conor
Sounds like you're normalizing it to me, Pam.
- [07:20]
Dave
Well.
- [07:20]
Pam
Well, I mean, it's. It's not fringe, I don't think it's not, you know? Yeah.
- [07:26]
Dave
Oh, but it's weird, you know, give a little context to this. I didn't know at the time that I read this article what a Jack and Jill was and still, like, kind of didn't until the Wonder Years, the 2021 version that is set in Alabama. They had an episode where, like, one of the kids is having his bar mitzvah, and then a bunch of the other ones who are not Jewish are going through Jack and Jill. And it's like the junior version of this, which gets. They have a passing reference to it as, like, part of the structures of, like, this community, basically, of, like, you learn manners, and then you progress through this system. And once everyone knows you, someone's going to nominate you to be a deb at this thing.
- [08:01]
Conor
Sounds like an extension of Scouts class.
- [08:04]
Dave
Scouts. Yes. Everyone seems very positive about it. I wouldn't want to do it, but, you know, I hope she's happy. And she seems to have turned out pretty cool.
- [08:14]
Conor
$2,000 dress.
- [08:16]
Dave
A $2,000 dress in the year 1991.
- [08:19]
Conor
Yeah.
- [08:20]
Dave
Is crazy. Even though when they talked about everything they were doing to protect it, like, she's gonna sit on a sheet in the back seat, I was like, that's not enough. Like, someone should carry her there. So she's ground.
- [08:34]
Pam
She's not. She's not even at prom yet. She is not married. This is a very expensive dress. And she stands up and has her quote that she gives to the. To the room. You know, like, there's. There's pageantry here. So that pageant part, she says, sure, God made man before woman, but do you always make a first draft before the final masterpiece? And I was like, oh, she messed that up. Or they messed it up writing it down because it was clearly. Don't you always make a first draft? And then turns out, if you still would like this little quote in your home, ebay's got you covered. You can have it on a mug. You can have it on a T shirt. You can put it in whatever southern font you prefer.
- [09:13]
Conor
$2,000 back then is $4,755 now for one dress.
- [09:20]
Dave
I've never owned a garment that cost you guys.
- [09:22]
Conor
You guys apparently buy $80 T shirts, so why not a $4,000 dress?
- [09:27]
Pam
Wear the T shirt more than once.
- [09:29]
Conor
Okay, good point.
- [09:31]
Pam
And if anybody cares, our main debutante, Leticia went on to. Howard is now in health care. She's a union gal, making Tara proud. She's president of her local chapter who fights for worker rights. And I found her information on a website made seemingly just for me called doximity.com. thank you, Doximity.
- [09:55]
Conor
Let's do a Doc's hound. Merchandise check in. Units sold. 0.
- [10:01]
Pam
I should probably buy one. I should get on that. Dave, hit it. Thanks. Oh, boy, here it comes.
- [10:20]
Conor
Sadness ahoy. It's sassy Bummer feature.
- [10:27]
Dave
It's not about a cute boy. That's all I have. I think we can get through this as quickly as humanly possible. They are Shooting Horses is the no title of this article. And it's about basically that how the Bureau of Land Management is doing a terrible job of managing the disputes between ranchers, basically, who ranch sheep and cattle and stuff, and wild horses who also have a right to exist on the land, but who frequently just get shot and abandoned or gut shot and left to wander around for a while before they expire because ranchers don't want them competing on their land.
- [11:12]
Conor
You could have just said, it's Yellowstone.
- [11:14]
Dave
It's Yellowstone. It's Yellowstone. So they talk about an organization that was founded called Wild Horse Organized Assistance. They wisely rebranded as Wild Horse Outreach and Advocacy, which is a better name, but of course they both spell whoa. And we'll link it in the show notes in case you are an aspiring horse girl who wants to volunteer with them or adopt a mustang. Because they do that. If you look up what's going on with the Bureau of Land Management today, truly no better. 34 years later, wild Horses and Burroughs are still getting killed all the time for all of exactly the same reasons that are described in this article anytime, basically. You ever read about the Bureau of Land Management, it's probably because they lost a court battle or another official has been removed because of ethics violations. Like Karen sort of touches on this, but not enough, in my opinion. I mean, fine, for a teen article, but it's like, yeah, a lot of the people that are on their advocacy boards are ranchers. So it's like, yeah, that's a conflict of interest. And that continues to this day. Like, people who are high up in the Bureau of Land Management are also very susceptible to bribes and other considerations of that sort, y' all.
- [12:24]
Pam
So, yeah, I have a character called the Don't Be Mad Girl. And this is one where you're like, stone, be mad. I adopted a mustang. His name is Topaz. He's perfect.
- [12:36]
Dave
Look at him.
- [12:37]
Pam
Look at him. He's in the backyard. Don't be mad. When you see him, you're going to be like, that was a good idea. Don't be mad. Look at Topaz. I would adopt him right now. Oh, look at him. Don't be mad.
- [12:54]
Dave
First of all, I love this new character.
- [12:56]
Pam
Thank you.
- [12:59]
Dave
She's got a lot of ideas. I look forward to her future adventures of what we're not supposed to be mad. About? Don't be mad. I bought a $2,000 dress for my party. No, I could never wear it again. Don't be mad.
- [13:11]
Pam
Don't be mad. You know you like me.
- [13:13]
Dave
Look how pretty I look.
- [13:14]
Pam
Take a pict. Sure. I'm your baby.
- [13:17]
Dave
I'm going to be in a magazine. Don't be mad.
- [13:20]
Pam
Don't be mad. You would do it.
- [13:22]
Dave
Stop. Okay, I'm going to put on my $2,000 dress and go ride Topaz. Bye. Don't be mad. Feature number three by Margie Engel. Not sure we've seen her byline yet. She's a relatively new hire. Is five jobs that aren't lame. We don't use the term that way anymore. Really? Especially not in headlines. Margie. But I appreciate it. So she's profiling people that do cool jobs you may not have heard of or that you may not understand how they work. I think most people have heard of paramedics, which is one of these. But just broadening your horizons as you look to the future and think about what you might want to do with the rest of your life.
- [14:09]
Pam
Yes. The first one is about being an oceanographer and cleaning up oceans. We meet Meryl Alber, who Margie was worried would be a, quote, total science nerdlet. But it reports she's extremely cool and funny with a real gift for explaining what these things are, which I think is the definition of a total silence nerdlet. Anyway, Meryl still looks cool and funny and she teaches at. Well, I don't need to tell you that. But in any event, she's doing great. She's still doing oceanography. She's still. She's a marine scientist and, well, it at the University of Georgia. Hey, Meryl, good job. Get ready, I got more of them.
- [14:51]
Dave
Next is ride around saving lives and we get a picture of Joe the paramedic. And I would just like to say, Joe, hello. He looks.
- [14:59]
Pam
Hello.
- [14:59]
Dave
He looks very cute hanging out the back of his rig.
- [15:02]
Pam
This is an album cover. Joe actually plays piano and sings heartthrob songs. And this is a. He's just got to film a video in this ambulance later today called like, I don't know, 10cc's or whatever he wants to call the song about stopping our hearts with those cheeks and that chin.
- [15:20]
Dave
Well, how did they meet? Talk about that.
- [15:23]
Pam
So Margie says she recently had a bad asthma attack and went into shock. Joe and his colleague Steven Garrett showed up. I quote, I was unconscious and blue and they brought me back. So excuse me for being ultra Emphatic when I say paramedics don't get as much credit as they just did. She almost died. Margie died in Joe's arms in that ambulance. Almost. She did. She died when she saw him. She totally died. And then she came back and then she was like, do you want to be in a magazine? Don't be mad. You're in a magazine. Everybody's going to know about you.
- [16:00]
Dave
Joe, don't be mad. I threw my inhaler out the window so that you would have to come and save me. Don't be mad.
- [16:07]
Pam
So be mad. I hugged my neighbor's cat and I'm gonna tell everybody how much you make. Don't be mad. Don't be mad.
- [16:15]
Dave
Joe was attracted to the field because of Emergency. And I get it. Because we watched an episode of Emergency for our sister podcast, Extra Hot Great. And it was delightful. I get it. I could see why you would. That would be inspiring. But then when she asks, like, what's the toughest part of this job? He gets way too dark and says, when you find a child who's been killed by child abuse, like, yeah, I would imagine. I was. We were hoping you would say something more like, when people don't pull over when we have the sirens on. But that's bad, too. I did a little Deputy Doc's hounding and found him on LinkedIn, and he is still a paramedic.
- [16:53]
Conor
What do you feel about your turf getting your first done here, Pam?
- [16:57]
Pam
The more the merrier.
- [16:58]
Dave
Okay, next. If you want to protect children, you can do what Kathleen Noonan does.
- [17:04]
Conor
Balance books on her hands. Yeah, according to the photo. I don't know what this photo is supposed to tell me about protecting children.
- [17:12]
Dave
She works for the Citizens Committee for Children. It is a leading child advocacy organization in New York at the time of this article. And still to this day, she says, you know, if this is a field you want to get into, you could try working at a daycare or volunteering with children in other capacities so that you can get to know how kids be. She is now a jd. She co founded the Policy Lab at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. I did it again. Woof, woof, woo.
- [17:38]
Conor
When I hear Policy Lab, I just feel like they're creating policies with, like, beakers of dry ice, steaming liquid, somehow.
- [17:44]
Dave
Yeah.
- [17:45]
Conor
They pour one into the other and it froths up and then there's like a post it note with kids. Good.
- [17:49]
Dave
Yeah. But Pam did some supplementary doxing.
- [17:55]
Conor
There we go.
- [18:03]
Dave
Cool.
- [18:03]
Pam
Kathleen is currently the mediator in a Large class action case involving the children who have been kidnapped by the Office of Refugee Resettlement and the U.S. department of Health and Human Services and is fighting for the rights to make sure that they get their medication, they get released on time, that they get released to family members. Kathleen, thank you for what you're doing. Yes. Call 7:20 Sassy go. How can we help?
- [18:26]
Dave
Seriously, if you want, you could resettle refugees. That's what Joanne Smelkinson does. She works for nyana, the New York association for New Americans, which sadly does not still exist. Its caseload dropped from a peak of 50,000 to just 3 or 400 because their remit was helping resettle Russian Jews in the US And I guess there's, you know, not as many coming as of 2009 when they shut down. Sorry. 2008. Finally we hear about Lisa Farrar, 22 year old political organizer for Sane Freeze. She is working to denuke the world, working in, you know, disarmament. SANE Freeze is now peace action. They are still doing the work. Now they're advocating for a Gaza ceasefire. And again Lisa, I couldn't find you because your name is too common. But if you hear this, I hope you're still awesome and thank you for what you did. For 225 to $250 a week.
- [19:31]
Pam
We move on to our fiction story. This issue, it's called 16 to 60. And Enid Harlow is back with another story for us.
- [19:40]
Dave
Yes, she previously wrote Love Amid the rubble from the September 1990 issue about the girl getting an instant crush on the guy at the body shop with a car.
- [19:49]
Pam
This one is about a girl who's hanging out with her girlfriends when she remembers my mom is so old, everybody else has hot young moms and my mom is so old, she's so old that she has this job that she works at. And then like I come home with my friends and she's just sitting there on her couch looking old and tired with her face that I stare at as she ages.
- [20:16]
Dave
I don't want her to go to bed before me. That means she's probably going to just get in bed and never wake up. You guys. She's the oldest person who's ever lived. You guys, you guys. My mom is 60.
- [20:29]
Pam
My mom. And then I want to take a minute to remember the time that even though we've never spent any time together because my mom is a single mom who's so old that she decided to have a kid at 45 because she wanted like a career as her first child Then one day, for reasons I'll never explain to you, we went ice skating. And it was the most beautiful choreographed moment of our lives, where we. We both put our arms up in V's and everybody applauded and we were perfect. But now.
- [20:57]
Dave
Old.
- [20:58]
Pam
And she'll never go skating with me again. And I'm afraid every time she goes to sleep that she'll never wake up. Yeah, that's 16 to 60.
- [21:05]
Dave
It's like a Wednesday. Narrator.
- [21:07]
Pam
Yes. Yes, it really is like a Wednesday.
- [21:10]
Dave
Give her a fucking break. She's tired.
- [21:14]
Pam
Her poor bunions.
- [21:15]
Dave
Yes, I think that was a hammer toe, based on how she was describing it. It's like she's. She's wearing heels at the talent agency she presumably started and she does die probably three months from now. She's leaving inheritance because she worked so hard. Leave your saggy old mother alone, by the way.
- [21:36]
Pam
Like, other mothers are, like, quick to tell this girl, like, I hope I look as good as your mom at her age. I'm sorry I mentioned anything about being old when you've got the oldest mother of all time. Gunshot.
- [21:48]
Dave
Yes. But then the turn is, she wakes up the next morning, and mom is fine. She's like, I gotta go. I have a hair appointment before work. And then the narrator's like, phew. It's gonna fix her weird white roots.
- [22:00]
Pam
Oh, man, I didn't even know I had a phobia of someone staring at me while I slept, thinking, look how old this is getting, just rotting in a bed. Look at her not wearing makeup. All her wrinkles have nothing to hold them apart. This is.
- [22:15]
Dave
I'm not.
- [22:15]
Pam
I'm barely paraphrasing without makeup, just this collapse of potato she calls her mom when you leave a plum out for too long.
- [22:28]
Dave
Well, Enid Harlow is still writing. She has short story collection, I think, coming out this year, but we'll put it in the show notes. I just want to say, I hope, Enid, because there's an author photo on the page. And, like, she looks fine, but she's old. Like, I just would love to know what she thinks about this story now. Like, oh, God, why did I go into all that detail?
- [22:48]
Pam
I went to the doctor yesterday. Dave, calm down. Because I'm falling apart, but because I got bit by something. And so I went and got some medicine. Everything.
- [22:56]
Conor
Something. I got bit by something. So I went and got some medicine. Yep, it checks out Good. Can I guess what you got bit by? Can we guess?
- [23:03]
Pam
Yes, yes.
- [23:04]
Conor
We'll take turns. Tara, you go first.
- [23:07]
Dave
Horsefly.
- [23:08]
Conor
Scorpion. Okay, keep going. Tara, come on, let's go.
- [23:12]
Dave
God, what else is there? Oh, terrible spider. Huge spider.
- [23:16]
Pam
Mouse spider. Pam spider.
- [23:20]
Conor
Pam spider was correct.
- [23:22]
Pam
I picked up my sweatshirt in the morning that I had discarded by my bed when I went to sleep. Put that on, bit my special power, making boys fall in love with me.
- [23:33]
Conor
So this is like the Pam version of the sweeter after.
- [23:37]
Pam
I had to go wait forever for this cream. Not to brag, but it was $3. But I had to wait forever for this cream. And over my head is an ad that's like, are you over 50? Now you're going to get pneumococcal streptococcus. You need some new vaccine. I don't need vaccines marketed to my age group. Like I'm frail and can go at any time. I am not the mother in this short story. I think 50 is too young to be giving me age fearing vaccines. Advice about, I don't know staff.
- [24:10]
Dave
There was a time like maybe a month ago, this was not the time that I fell under the table in the back room and had to then have a doctor's appointment about that where I got a prescription, hurt my back. This was another time when I was walking both dogs and I just was like in the driveway adjusting leashes and stuff and I just straight like fell. Like I was not even taking a step. I just fell down and while it was happening was thinking, can he see me from the ring camera? That by the way, I wish we didn't have that was Dave's purchase. But I part of it was like, did I just like fall off my shoes? It's not even like they're platformers, they're Birkenstocks. I have not worn to walk the dog since.
- [24:46]
Conor
But why did you let me know?
- [24:48]
Dave
Let you know what?
- [24:49]
Conor
Maybe it was on the.
- [24:51]
Dave
I don't want to see it.
- [24:52]
Conor
That'd be great.
- [24:53]
Dave
No, I don't want you to see it.
- [24:54]
Conor
Show it at your wedding.
- [24:58]
Dave
To whom? Who am I? Who am I marrying the Burger King.
- [25:02]
Pam
With this ring footage IV web keep your tootsies fit. Speaking of hammer toed bunion crones, if your shoes don't fit fit right, your feet won't feel right and that can ruin a perfectly nice day. So why not follow a far helpful shoe buying hints since most everyone has one foot that's bigger than the other. This was just a bunch of stuff where I was like, what? Always get both feet measured by a salesperson and cater to the larger foot.
- [25:38]
Dave
Matt, unless you are going to the most specialty Store, no one who works in shoes knows how to measure your feet, I guarantee.
- [25:48]
Conor
But wait, don't you just have to put your foot in that cool looking contraption and that's how they tell? Yeah, I mean, the problem is it's not measuring your feet. It's that the shoes never match your measurements. Like, if you are truly, let's say, size 8, the shoes are usually like anywhere between 7 and 9. And maybe, like, you can't trust the manufacturer. I don't know if there's such a thing as vanity feet size, but they certainly are inconsistent.
- [26:11]
Pam
Then it says when buying sports shoes, it's best to choose those specifically designed for what you play. If you try to play tennis with running shoes, you could wreck your ankles. Come on.
- [26:19]
Dave
What? Really?
- [26:20]
Pam
I don't know. Don't buy shoes made for men, no matter how much you want to. They're proportionally incorrect for female feet and will cause blisters.
- [26:27]
Conor
Yeah, man feet. Powerful feet.
- [26:29]
Pam
What is your man foot? Mine has curves.
- [26:31]
Conor
Keeps me stable. You don't see me falling down in the driveway.
- [26:34]
Pam
My little tootsies couldn't possibly wear your shoe. Oh, then make sure you get shoes with flexible soles that will move when your feet move. I don't even know. I guess that's for people with chucks. Always bear in mind that if a shoe is really uncomfortable when you try it on, it will never be comfortable, no matter how much breaking in you do. Untrue.
- [26:52]
Conor
I got two more. The shoe fits. Wear it.
- [26:55]
Dave
No.
- [26:56]
Conor
And not two of the same side. You want one left, one right?
- [27:01]
Pam
Dave. Thank you.
- [27:02]
Conor
Yes. I'm very sensible when it comes to shoes.
- [27:04]
Pam
That's very good. Well, you're an old soul. Did you guys know, according to Sassy, the average speed of a sneeze is 68 miles an hour, but in 2025, that goes 100. Now we've leveled up. Our sneezes go so much f faster than they did in the 90s.
- [27:19]
Conor
If you're smart and you want to, let's say, hijack a plane. Oh, Put buckshot in your nostril and then some pepper. Yeah, and then take over the cockpit.
- [27:30]
Pam
Okay, when do you put it in?
- [27:33]
Dave
Knock, knock, knock. Oh, my God, it's the nsa.
- [27:35]
Conor
Well, you can. You can get the pepper on the plane, right?
- [27:38]
Pam
We've heard you shooting a number of horses in the gut. You have to let us in. Oh, boy.
- [27:46]
Conor
Let's roll.
- [27:50]
Dave
Oh, God. Ow. Hey, I'm Kawhi.
- [27:54]
Conor
Craig Cole.
- [27:55]
Pam
Dave.
- [27:57]
Dave
I can't. I didn't know that about the speed, I can tell you David T. Cole's sneezes are approximately 5,000 decibels. You can hear them from anywhere in the house.
- [28:07]
Conor
If I actually have a booger in my nose when I sneeze, it will go through your skull.
- [28:11]
Dave
Pam, you know, that's.
- [28:14]
Pam
I've heard a lot of your Canadian words, but booger is a new one. I didn't know. Yahoo. I say to that.
- [28:19]
Conor
Wait, you've never heard the word booger?
- [28:22]
Dave
No.
- [28:22]
Pam
They say that.
- [28:23]
Dave
Booger. That's what normal people say.
- [28:25]
Conor
Oh, okay.
- [28:26]
Dave
Booger.
- [28:27]
Pam
What did you.
- [28:30]
Conor
As in the booger man?
- [28:32]
Pam
Yes, the booger man.
- [28:34]
Conor
He comes in your house at night and he puts boogers up your nose.
- [28:39]
Pam
I mean, that's kind of that one. I.
- [28:41]
Jason
He's.
- [28:42]
Pam
Okay, Tara. Ignore him.
- [28:46]
Dave
How loud Dave's sneezes are. He'll actually. He'll just. It's not just like at choo. It's really loud. He'll go like he really wanted to drag.
- [28:57]
Pam
I wouldn't know. I would have guessed that. Dave is a long sneezer. No, And I would imagine he's a long sneezer. Like, there's two kinds of long sneezes. There's the. Like, it gets held up in the upward, but I bet you're allowed outward for sure.
- [29:12]
Conor
No, I'm not.
- [29:13]
Dave
Yes, you are.
- [29:14]
Pam
No, it's expensive, Dave. You don't know. David, you're busy.
- [29:18]
Dave
No, are you kidding?
- [29:21]
Conor
But what you're hearing is me gasping for breath.
- [29:23]
Dave
After, I think, no, you'll go at.
- [29:25]
Conor
You like, okay, but that's performative. That's not the actual sneeze.
- [29:29]
Dave
Okay, well, I didn't know that.
- [29:31]
Conor
That's just me narrating my own sneeze, which doesn't Everybody do that?
- [29:34]
Pam
So, Dave, what is your sneeze underneath the sneeze that we can see?
- [29:37]
Dave
Yeah. What's the true. What's your true sneeze?
- [29:40]
Conor
Well, I just did it.
- [29:40]
Dave
No.
- [29:41]
Conor
Yeah, it's just. And that's pretty much the length of it. But I'll be like, oh, yeah. Whoa, boy. Oh, man. Did I check for brains.
- [29:55]
Pam
Yeah.
- [29:56]
Conor
No, no gray matter. Good to carry on with my day.
- [29:59]
Pam
Jason just does fake sneezes throughout the day.
- [30:02]
Conor
Well, that's because of his training.
- [30:03]
Dave
Wait.
- [30:04]
Pam
Fucking mind games.
- [30:05]
Dave
What do you mean, he.
- [30:06]
Pam
I mean, he does this. He does this. Here he goes. I mean, forever. This is not new. This is Reader I married.
- [30:12]
Conor
This is the same person, by the way, who is trained not to lean on things, because when he's in foreign Countries. That's how you know you're American. Continue.
- [30:20]
Pam
Yes. Yes. And he knows how to order three things with the right. With the right thing, correct?
- [30:24]
Dave
Yes. He.
- [30:25]
Pam
He goes like this. Chew. I am begging for someone to rescue me.
- [30:37]
Dave
Have you ever asked him why?
- [30:40]
Pam
Yes. Yeah.
- [30:41]
Dave
Okay. Why don't he.
- [30:43]
Conor
Why?
- [30:43]
Dave
Why?
- [30:43]
Pam
I don't know what you're talking.
- [30:44]
Conor
Is he home right now? Can you get him?
- [30:48]
Pam
He is. I think he is.
- [30:49]
Conor
Go get him. Go get him.
- [30:50]
Pam
I'll text him. That's how he prefers to be.
- [30:53]
Conor
All right.
- [30:53]
Pam
That's how he prefers to be.
- [30:54]
Conor
Sure. Sure. Don't give him a choice.
- [30:59]
Dave
All right. Should we. Should we move on to the next topic while we're waiting?
- [31:01]
Conor
Yeah, we'll just interrupt wherever we get.
- [31:03]
Pam
Yes, I think you'll be waiting all of 38 seconds, but here we go. Yeah, let's keep going.
- [31:07]
Dave
Aspirin can make you sick. It says he's careful about taking aspirin because you could get Rey syndrome.
- [31:12]
Conor
All right, enough of this aspirin shit, Jason.
- [31:15]
Pam
I'm going to just give him the whole thing and not be able to hear what you're doing.
- [31:18]
Conor
Okay, great.
- [31:19]
Pam
Come on. Come sit.
- [31:23]
Conor
Oh, no. We almost lost the screen.
- [31:29]
Dave
Screech. Canary. Yes.
- [31:32]
Conor
Hello.
- [31:33]
Dave
Welcome, Jason.
- [31:34]
Jason
Oh, hi, everyone.
- [31:35]
Conor
Welcome, Jason. To listen to Sassy. We've talked a lot about you. I've never had you on the mic. Welcome, welcome. Just so everybody knows, this is Jason. We suspect him to be a U.S. operative. We never got concrete proof, but we just heard a story from Pam that you produce throughout the day. Fake onomatopoeic sneezes.
- [31:55]
Dave
Fake sneezes.
- [31:56]
Conor
Why? Why do you do. This is the question.
- [32:00]
Dave
And that when she has asked you about it, you have denied that this is the case.
- [32:04]
Jason
I. I mean, I used to do it a lot. I don't know. It is.
- [32:08]
Conor
It's so. By the way, that thing in front of you is the microphone. You get to speak into it.
- [32:14]
Dave
You don't get to onboard him properly, give him breaks pretending he doesn't know.
- [32:18]
Conor
How to do any part of his training. He's. This is him trying to, like, fake us out. That he isn't technically minded, just some guy. Yeah, yeah.
- [32:25]
Jason
I didn't. I didn't get a. I didn't get a packet.
- [32:27]
Conor
First of all, can you demonstrate the sneeze for us? We got one from Pam, but I would like to.
- [32:31]
Jason
Yeah, it's. It's. I'll just go now. I have not done this in a while. Like a long while. Like years. But it was For a while there, just some sort of strange affect I had. I would say the word achoo. That's right. And I don't know where I picked it up or why. I know it was at least as far back as 2009, because I can recall someone way back then being like, what the are you doing? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. And then I think I stopped it for a while, and then it came back. I mean, I'm sure if I talked to a therapist about it, they would be like, well, this stands for something, right? You know that time your father had chickenpox? I don't know.
- [33:14]
Dave
This is your way of taking up space in the world. It's your unconscious need to be comforted, perhaps, that you want someone to say bless you even though you haven't actually sneezed.
- [33:23]
Jason
Yeah, no, that's.
- [33:24]
Conor
How do you. How do you say the things that are in your nose? What's it. How do you. How would you say it, but like, in a playful, sort of revenge of the nerves kind of way. What would be that word? How would you pronounce it? Starts with a B.
- [33:36]
Jason
The things in my nose?
- [33:37]
Conor
Yeah. They're boogers. Boogers. Okay. Not boogers.
- [33:41]
Dave
Dave's boogers. And Pam made fun of him.
- [33:43]
Jason
Yeah, but wait, it's spelled boogers, right?
- [33:46]
Conor
It is like. But it's boogers.
- [33:48]
Dave
Yeah.
- [33:48]
Conor
Okay, great.
- [33:49]
Dave
We agree.
- [33:50]
Conor
Jason, thank you so much for coming on podcast.
- [33:52]
Jason
Thanks, guys. I'm sorry it was more exciting.
- [33:54]
Conor
If you ever want to do the bonus show about your trade craft, we can do that.
- [33:58]
Pam
You can?
- [33:58]
Dave
Sure.
- [33:59]
Conor
I know you can. All right. Thank you, Jason. There's books on it. Bye, guys.
- [34:08]
Dave
That's for Slow horses to do. He's a fast horse. Come on.
- [34:11]
Pam
I'm turning into a scene from Ferris Bueller Stamp, and I don't know if he's still doing. He was like, did you hear him ask me? I don't still do that, do I? No, baby, he completely.
- [34:29]
Dave
If you listen to slow music while eating, you will chew more slowly and eat less. I believed this so much, even though it seems, like, complete. And I. I'm sure I tried it.
- [34:40]
Conor
This is two levels below. Chew gum instead of eating food.
- [34:46]
Dave
Yes.
- [34:47]
Conor
Diet tips.
- [34:48]
Dave
Yes.
- [34:48]
Pam
If you put the right song on, though, you are crying, you're going to eat this. If you're like.
- [34:54]
Conor
But when you eat more to drown.
- [34:56]
Pam
Your sorrows, in that case, after the song is over, after the song is Over. Yeah.
- [35:01]
Dave
And then finally, they are shamelessly promoting Title 9 sports catalog devoted solely to sports gear for women. And they still exist. They're still there. When I went to the website to look up the page, they had a really cute bikini right on the landing page. When I pulled out sports bikini, I.
- [35:18]
Conor
Guess for bikini football. Well, bikini ice hockey. Oh, it's cold.
- [35:23]
Dave
It's a functional bikini. It's not like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue bikini.
- [35:29]
Pam
She's on a surfboard, Dave.
- [35:30]
Dave
Yeah, yeah.
- [35:30]
Pam
Like, if you needed to figure out.
- [35:31]
Conor
What sport, what kind of bikini do you wear for lacrosse?
- [35:36]
Dave
Have other things, too. It's fucking summer. Get off their back. Let's go.
- [35:48]
Pam
On the road to. Yes, I do want to talk about John Waters, Baltimore. He is not mentioned in this entire article about. I know. I don't understand nothing.
- [35:58]
Conor
Kind of thought that was something you had to do.
- [36:00]
Pam
Yes, legally.
- [36:01]
Conor
Like, when you talk about the Wire, you have to say Baltimore as a character in the Wire. And by the way, inside of Baltimore, the character is John Waters personality.
- [36:09]
Pam
That's right. It might be because they're following, like, grunge kids. These are like alternative kids at their. Their flannels and their tights and their shorts and the fishnets and like, they're. They're cool. These are some cool kids. And they're at bookstores and they're Sarah's. Like, last year I decided to live in the attic. So she's like an attic bedroom. It has an American flag and posters. These kids are cooler than anybody else. This magazine issue, they say that some of their slang besides poser and slick. But they say for loserous guys with long feathered hair, they call them grits. And I like that.
- [36:47]
Conor
I do like grits.
- [36:48]
Dave
That's good.
- [36:48]
Conor
It's because it sounds bad, you know, because it is grit. I know. It's a food as well, but also grit, you know, That's a good one. That should have been sassy glossary grits.
- [37:00]
Pam
Before everybody calls in. I'm sorry. I had not turned my head all the way to the left where I can see that there is a shout out to Hairspray and Crybaby being filmed in Baltimore. So it's okay.
- [37:11]
Dave
Yes. They mentioned Barry Levinson and John Waters, and they say one of the places you can shop is the Inner Harbor. And when I looked it up, I was like, oh, yeah. I've definitely seen crimes being committed there on Homicide, which premieres less than two years after this issue in January 1993.
- [37:28]
Conor
So when you do a catalog of Your friends. And you assign numbers that indicate their value as a friend.
- [37:35]
Dave
Okay.
- [37:36]
Conor
How many points do you get for a friend that has rooftop access to their building?
- [37:41]
Pam
Ooh.
- [37:42]
Conor
Because Sarah has rooftop access.
- [37:44]
Dave
Yeah, that's true.
- [37:44]
Conor
And there's a picture of all of them on the roof, all looking cool, like they're trying to make an album cover.
- [37:49]
Dave
Yeah.
- [37:49]
Conor
And that's. That's pretty big.
- [37:51]
Dave
It's pretty good.
- [37:52]
Pam
I'm pretty afraid to go up there, though.
- [37:53]
Conor
Really?
- [37:55]
Pam
I would not. Like I have rooftop access here. Not to brag here in my house, but I am so scared that I will feel compelled to try it.
- [38:03]
Conor
Do you know what that's called? Call of the Void. There's an actual term for it. I know because I have the same thing. You're like, there's times I'm walking across mopac on, like, one of the exit elevated roads, but I walk away from the barrier. Good. Three or four feet away from it. Just because I'm like, yeah, maybe. I don't know. Jump. Sure. Fine. See what happens.
- [38:23]
Pam
Ooh.
- [38:24]
Conor
It's not like, you know, I want to end it all. It's just like. I don't know. I haven't tried this before.
- [38:33]
Pam
I know this feeling where it's like, even if there's glass and I'm at the top of, like, a tower or something, I do feel like I'm going to lean on this glass and I will then bang it, shatter it, and fling all myself through the glass.
- [38:45]
Conor
I think it's just your brain can't handle it because humans are never meant to be that high up. The highest up we should be is halfway up a tree kind of thing, you know? And then when you're, like, way up and you can actually look down, down, your brain sort of has trouble processing it normally. And then, like, there's this weird synapse thing where you're like, I'd like to get down there.
- [39:03]
Dave
Yeah. Well, don't people say that sometimes when they're skydiving, like, at first you're, like, screaming and you're freaking out and stuff, and you're like, well, I'm still falling. I'm kind of bored.
- [39:13]
Conor
Yeah.
- [39:13]
Dave
It just keeps going.
- [39:15]
Pam
Yeah.
- [39:16]
Conor
They should put you in a plane. Inside the plane, at the door where you jump out, there's one of those giant circus cannons pointed straight down. You climb into the cannon and they fire you towards the ground so you can get there a lot quicker.
- [39:28]
Pam
Yeah. What could go wrong?
- [39:29]
Dave
Yeah, great idea. What he said. The question is, would you date a girl less Popular than you. And the results are. Yes, 100%. No, zero percent. Which. Come on, Come on, guys. Come on.
- [39:54]
Pam
The recent presidential election. These numbers are interesting.
- [39:58]
Dave
They're a little curious. I mean, some of these I buy. I'm looking at Nathan's adorable face and thinking he doesn't care about popularity. Doug. I don't know about Doug.
- [40:08]
Conor
Especially since he says especially since his name is Doug.
- [40:12]
Pam
Well, he's blue stealing over here in.
- [40:15]
Dave
His, like, Jeffrey Dahmer glasses. But he said whether or not he dated less popular chick would ride on a few factors. It depends on her personality and looks and overall packaging, period.
- [40:25]
Conor
Packaging.
- [40:26]
Dave
I do my best not to judge a book by its cover, period. So if those really were sentences back to back. Doug, come on.
- [40:34]
Conor
If you had to package women, how would you do it?
- [40:41]
Dave
I'd put it in a. In a blister pack. So it's hard to get them out.
- [40:44]
Conor
Right. I was thinking you don't really see them grocery stores anymore, but in the 80s you would get that, like, I'm sure terrible for in the environment. Yellow, styrofoam, shallow square. And then they would put whatever in it. And then put Saran Wrap on top.
- [40:57]
Dave
Sure.
- [40:57]
Conor
The famous one from my memory is they would put fried noodles in it.
- [41:01]
Pam
And then you get it.
- [41:02]
Conor
Yes, something like that.
- [41:04]
Dave
My actual answer is those little stretchy nets that they put around, like, pears and stuff. Yes, exactly. Because that's sexy.
- [41:13]
Conor
Yeah, it's like the fishnet stockings of the produce world.
- [41:17]
Dave
Yeah, you look like make. Make women look like Lilou from the Fifth Element.
- [41:22]
Pam
I put her in a tote so that other women are like, oh, my.
- [41:24]
Dave
God, I love your tote.
- [41:26]
Pam
Thanks.
- [41:27]
Conor
What would that character from earlier think of that?
- [41:30]
Dave
Don't be mad.
- [41:30]
Pam
Don't be mad. I'm a tote.
- [41:34]
Conor
What's her name?
- [41:36]
Pam
Well, let me think. Because her name could just. Her name could easily be Jordan with two n's, but I think her name is probably something that changes. And right now she's like a hard Suze.
- [41:52]
Dave
Okay. I was thinking.
- [41:53]
Conor
Beth, I think the great thing about this question then versus now is now you have an easily quantifiable way to tell who's more popular with social media. So you're just like, I talk a big game, but look at me with my 10,000 followers. And look at you, you uggo with two and a half thousand followers.
- [42:11]
Dave
Just a note about our celebrity boy this month who. They don't even say his last name.
- [42:16]
Conor
Thought I was gonna put in the notes. Have they Given up on the celebrity voice, but apparently he's there. But they just don't bring any attention to it because I'm supposed to know.
- [42:25]
Dave
Well, it says in the blurb he's on a TV show. But that's the only way I was able to identify him. He was. This is Matthew Newmark, formerly of Guns of Paradise. He had been on Knots Landing before that, and he sadly died of cardiovascular disease in January. We lost him. We miss him. But he was 48. And when I found his obituary, I realized that at the second I turned 50, I started thinking of people who are in their 40s as. Like in high school. Like, I saw he was 48 and thought, oh, my God, he was so young. Which he was. But he was, like, not that much younger than me. But in my mind, it's like, no, he's like a child. Oh, he didn't even get to have his driver's license.
- [43:08]
Conor
In my mind, it's that 50 where you start the road to 60. And when you hit 60, we all know you're a D King Potato.
- [43:14]
Pam
That's right. With your toes. Your gross toes.
- [43:19]
Conor
Embarrassment just slowly liquefying.
- [43:33]
Dave
Help.
- [43:34]
Pam
Help.
- [43:34]
Conor
Help.
- [43:35]
Pam
Help us both. Help me help him.
- [43:37]
Conor
Yeah. So we're combining help and help for him today. Exciting new merging mergers and acquisitions department that decided help and help for him are now one section.
- [43:46]
Dave
My friend and I have been best friends for 10 years. We used to be almost inseparable. Now we hardly get to see each other. She says sometimes. Who said I was your best friend? Saying it like a joke. But I wonder if she really means it. Depends on the day. This is teen shit. I was definitely on one or the other side of this kind of crap. It sucks. There's no excuse for it, but it was very recognizable. And once again, I'm just going to tell everybody. Read Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood. The best book I ever read about all of this psychological torture. Torture.
- [44:21]
Pam
Her name is Dakota. Don't be mad at her.
- [44:25]
Dave
Yes, it is. Is it any Dakota in particular, Pam?
- [44:30]
Pam
I mean, you know that girl says, don't be mad, like, five times a day. Don't be mad. I'm in another movie.
- [44:37]
Dave
And finally, Chris Martin was like, no, I'm mad. And then they broke up. Help for him. My girlfriend weighs 250 pounds and my weight is only 130. Okay, brag. I really love every pound of her. And I know that it's not appearances that count, it's what's inside, but is there anything I can say or I can do to get her to trim down.
- [44:57]
Conor
I got one before. Before you get all sanctimonious, have you thought about replacing everything in the fridge with suit Slim fast?
- [45:07]
Pam
I think this dude sounds kind of tiny. I think the problem. He needs a cheeseburger too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [45:14]
Dave
Friends are starting to call us Laurel and Hardy is not a detail that we needed necessarily.
- [45:20]
Pam
So how old are your friends? Do they know Enid's main character's mom? My God.
- [45:25]
Dave
Also, you know, Jack Sprat and wife is more on point.
- [45:29]
Conor
I can tell you why they know Laurel and Hardy because in the late 80s there was a resurgence of all the that your grandparents watched via novelty ties.
- [45:42]
Dave
Oh, okay.
- [45:43]
Conor
That's my theory. See, I Love Lucy, Three Stooges, Etc.
- [45:48]
Dave
What they don't season in this answer, which is pretty good. You shouldn't care what your friends think. It doesn't matter. And no, you can't tell your girlfriend to get on a diet. But they also don't cover like, do you like how she looks? Because it seems like you do and that your issue is people still don't like the way she looks and you feel self conscious about it. Yeah, they were 2/3 of the way to a good answer on this. I would say yeah. Yeah, her mom hates me. My girlfriend and I have a pretty good relationship. We've been going together for seven months. Anyway, her mom all of a sudden wants me to stop talking to her. I can't call, write or look at her girl's mother, Steve Harvey, because what the what? How could she control who you look at? It's the craziest part. I mean the answer is like, you know, be responsible and maybe you can show them that you are ready to date. But it's like, I don't know, I think you should just stay away from this lady. She sounds insane.
- [46:43]
Conor
Yeah, but maybe he's like a weirdo. Maybe he's got like mohawks and pierce stuff and stuff like that and she's just scared.
- [46:49]
Dave
Yeah, maybe the way he looks at her is unsettling. The next letter is about a guy writing in about his girlfriend who self harms. And the first line of the answer is our own Jane used to cut herself in high school. And though she denied at the time, she now admits that she was doing it at least partly for the attention. And I just want to let any of our listeners know that's not why people self injure. And we'll put a link in the show notes of like that's one of the biggest misconceptions about self harm. So it's not why people do it.
- [47:17]
Pam
This boy writes in a letter, but they have put the title as Boy werewolf.
- [47:21]
Dave
Yeah.
- [47:21]
Pam
So I just, I just want to start with this poor kid writes, it's not going to get better from here. He writes, I have a really big problem. My eyebrows grow together as one. Which sounds like I wrote that my eyebrows grow together as one. Should I pluck them? People make fun of me. What should I do? Signed Unibrow. Not even sure he signed it that night.
- [47:40]
Conor
No, he didn't.
- [47:41]
Pam
So they start with just kidding about the werewolf crack. Honest. In fact, the scruffy unkempt brow look is part of the reason our writer Kim thinks Ken Wall is so noteworthy. Now if that didn't make you feel better, she adds, not to mention former Soviet leader Linhwood Brezhnev.
- [47:58]
Dave
Yeah, come on. That's not helpful.
- [48:01]
Pam
I had to look that up because nobody taught me about. No, I learned nothing about Soviet anything. Like, nobody. I only know anything that got through. Like if Sting talked about it, that's the only way I would know.
- [48:13]
Conor
He's got late era Peter Usinoff eyebrows.
- [48:16]
Pam
Plus, it's the meanest thing anyone has said to anyone in this magazine. Like, cheer up, you look like this guy.
- [48:23]
Dave
Oh, man.
- [48:25]
Pam
I think it's wild though, that while your eyebrows might disappear, your ears and your nose will continue to grow. This is. Who's that helping?
- [48:33]
Conor
Yeah. Even after you're dead. If you open up a coffin from the 1800s, it's all ears and nose. Just big dinner plate sized ears just waiting for you.
- [48:44]
Dave
Dave, do you remember seeing that guy, George Whipple on New York 1?
- [48:49]
Conor
No.
- [48:50]
Dave
His crazy eyebrows. Just put a link in the chat. We'll put it in the. In the visual aids or in the show notes.
- [48:55]
Pam
He.
- [48:56]
Dave
His eyebrows have continued to grow my. Like, steadily since we lived in New York. They.
- [49:01]
Pam
That's a horse of a different color.
- [49:03]
Dave
Easy.
- [49:04]
Conor
That is like.
- [49:05]
Dave
This is like a Halloween costume.
- [49:07]
Conor
I was gonna say it's like Iceman.
- [49:08]
Dave
Yes.
- [49:09]
Pam
You can see the adhesive. That looks crazy. It's an affliction or on purpose.
- [49:14]
Conor
His spirit animal is gum.
- [49:16]
Pam
He.
- [49:17]
Dave
He looks like he has two Don King fright wigs over his eyebrows.
- [49:25]
Conor
Look. We laugh, but. Okay, I'm gonna go right up to the camera. This is. Is terrible podcasting, but just look at all the wiry white eyebrows that are coming in and imagine when most of them are that. Except instead of being the exception.
- [49:38]
Pam
Yeah, okay. All right.
- [49:39]
Dave
Your eyebrows are fine.
- [49:41]
Pam
Well, they're.
- [49:43]
Conor
I Have to keep on licking them and patting them down. Otherwise, they're like. They look like little antennas or like, last of us feelers coming out of my eyebrows.
- [49:52]
Pam
You need teensy scissors, and you're good to go.
- [49:54]
Dave
Dave has beautiful eyelashes.
- [49:55]
Pam
Beautiful eyelashes.
- [49:57]
Conor
I'm beautiful.
- [49:58]
Dave
They're long and lush.
- [49:59]
Conor
I'm loving it.
- [49:59]
Pam
This dude's picture that you put up looks like when you stare into the eyebrows, it multiplies the eyebrows, and then you, like, zoom in, and it's just the eyebrows coming at you, and. And then you pass out. Oh, yeah. I can't look at that anymore. Okay. My God, how uncomfortable.
- [50:14]
Dave
Anyway, but eeks, wolf boy, if you're out there, first of all, call in and tell us how it went. Unless you are George Whipple. Jun. It happened to me. Boobs. That's my. That's my shorthand of what this is about. Erica, age 19, got a breast reduction because it sounds like everyone in her life, including her closest loved ones, was extremely rude about her large breasts all the time. You would think, okay, the first step to making this better in my life is to go and see a plastic surgeon. But apparently, he was very challenging to all of her reasons for wanting the surgery. And she writes, I thought at the time he was kind of mean. But he later told me that being that way was part of his technique to find out which of the people came in here were really serious. The idea being, if I went back after that grilling, I must be determined. Like, you know, if she wants them smaller, I think that's different than if she's just on a lark wanting them, let's say, bigger. Like, I don't understand this guy's psychological technique. It sounds really rude.
- [51:25]
Conor
Shut up, Tara. Let the man explain. Men are better at women's health issues than women are. That is what we're learning here.
- [51:33]
Pam
Well, they're certainly better at knowing who needs a boob job. Yeah, well, let's be clear.
- [51:37]
Dave
And then she also says when she came out of anesthesia, like, she puked all over herself because no one was paying attention to her. And then when they pulled out the catheter, they were not paying attention to that either, and just, like. Like, dosed her in her own pee. Like, all of this should be sent in a letter to a lawyer.
- [51:54]
Pam
She said she was left on that bed covered in her own fluid three hours. So I was. That was where I was like, gosh, maybe this one's fake. I hope this one's fake, because that was too much. And then. So then in the end. She's like, so my boobs are new and they're smaller. My mom's happy, but I'm kind of miss my old boobs and I kind of. Kind of wish I didn't do this. And great. Yeah, I can get like little sexy outfits or whatever, but like, Like, I don't know, I kind of miss my boobs. And I just hope this was all boob propaganda and it's a fake story.
- [52:24]
Dave
And she doesn't say I miss my boobs. She says I miss my old body in a way. I mean, I think that's different where it's like I've undergone this huge change and I in some ways feel like a stranger to myself, which is different than I wish I had my huge boobs back so that my family members were calling me dolly at the dinner table. Table, sure.
- [52:44]
Pam
Yeah. She probably doesn't miss any of that. Yeah.
- [52:46]
Dave
Yes. And these days, mom to talks about how glad she is I went through with it and how much better she thinks I look now. I do look better. But I wonder why she never said I look good before when I really needed to hear it. Yeah, write that to her because your family sounds like they suck. You're 19. Move out. Yeah, what a cut.
- [53:02]
Pam
Erica sue, everybody. Get all your money, get out of there and never look back.
- [53:06]
Dave
Hell yeah, you got that right, buddy. Stuff you wrote college applications. It hurts to squish a whole person into a two dimensional box or characters of ink on paper because the three dimensional special parts are fragile and don't fit, says Adele Ishakal from Greenwood, Indiana. And on our sister podcast. Again with this, we're talking about Dawson's Creek and they're in their senior year. And so it's a lot of content about applying for college. And I just want to say there. Hear what I said there? Which is, Americans seem to be really too intense about applying to college. Like, all of the conversation about it seems so overwrought. All of the essay business. And I said over there, I don't recall writing an essay for my application at all. I don't think that was.
- [54:04]
Conor
You don't? No.
- [54:05]
Dave
I think you're just like. Like, here are my grades. Yes. No. Okay. Like, it's not a huge deal.
- [54:12]
Pam
Permanent marker leaking pen. Emotions of what you put her through stained the paper flesh of the girl you thought you knew. Then you covered her remains she had left in perfect view so as not to be reminded of the love she needed too.
- [54:28]
Dave
Don't be mad I covered your remains.
- [54:30]
Pam
Don't be mad.
- [54:33]
Conor
Your big giant ears.
- [54:36]
Dave
I covered your.
- [54:38]
Pam
You covered her remains? That's one way to put it. That's one way to put it.
- [54:45]
Conor
All right, next one is from Renee. Was it proper to call the Civil War civil? I mean, come on. Fuck off, Renee. And then our next one is from Mary Skaggs from Oklahoma City. Do French people scream? Yes. When going down a roller coaster. Hey, Mary Skaggs bags you too.
- [55:05]
Dave
That one made me giggle.
- [55:07]
Pam
That one made me giggle. I liked it. It was so silly, so stupid. Good job, Mary.
- [55:13]
Dave
It's a language joke. Next time, we'll be talking about the pop culture topics of the April 1991 issue. LA Story and Sting get reviewed. There's a Losing My Religion lyrics card you can find fold into your out of Time cassette. Does going backstage at a show suck? And more.
- [55:36]
Pam
You can also call us 720sassy goes, where you can leave us a voicemail about the show or the magazine or your life. Or a phone call about a phone call. Because we play these at future episodes called our Slumber parties. If you haven't heard one, come on in. You can find information about the podcast, links to the visual aids, and contact for all of us at. Listen to sassy.com yeah, thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next time. Achoo.
- [55:58]
Conor
Achoo. Achoo.