August 1991 Teen Life: Gladiators, Boyfriends & A Whole Bunch Of Wives

Summary

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s

August 1991 Teen Life: Gladiators, Boyfriends & A Whole Bunch Of Wives

Date: February 3, 2026
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, David T. Cole

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Listen To Sassy" takes a deep dive into Sassy magazine’s August 1991 issue, exploring its pop culture capsule, eccentric features, and the wild world of Gen X teen life. The hosts gleefully recap features on American Gladiators, polygamous marriages, long-distance boyfriends, body talk, and the idiosyncratic things teens wrote to the magazine. The team blends sharp cultural commentary with irreverent banter and a flood of 90s nostalgia.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting the Scene: August 1991 (03:53)

• Tim Berners-Lee releases files about the World Wide Web.
• The USSR is breaking apart; US nuclear tests.
• Tara, Pam, and Dave joke about the new podcast "official" intro (02:15), diary entries, and why they’re skipping them.

Sassy’s Signature Style: The Spine Line (03:33)

• "Hi, honey, I'm home" repeats on the spine, a reference to the issue’s polygamy feature.
• Pam: “This is because we have a polygamist article. That's what you say to all your wives...” (04:07)
• Group speculates on conceptual spine lines and Pam's “spine supplements.”

Feature #1: American Gladiators (04:50)

• Kim (a Sassy writer) tries out for "American Gladiators."
• Nostalgia for the show and its many revivals, plus riffing on hosts like Hulk Hogan (“killer of Gawker Media”) and The Miz (05:01–05:47).
• Dave: “All the male gladiator names... are types of diarrhea.” (11:00)
• Tara: “All the female gladiator names are neglected pets of rich families for sure.” (11:19)
• The hosts reminisce about unrealistic “Presidential Fitness Exams.”
  • Pam: “My kid just had to do one of these... does parkour three times a week... failed the fitness exam.” (12:34)
• Discussion of how Gladiators and similar shows keep coming back, blending wrestling with reality TV sensibility.

Feature #2: Long-Distance Boyfriends (14:49)

• Christina ponders pros/cons of long-distance relationships: letters, cost, emotional toll.
• Tara: “She seems to come out on the side of it's not that great.” (14:49)
• The hosts tell personal tales about long-distance loves and old-school tech (payphones, Gopher chat, phone charges).
• Pam: “It was expensive to have a long distance relationship.” (17:14)

Feature #3: Polygamy—"This Cat Has Nine Wives" (17:50)

• Focus on Alex Joseph, Utah-based talk show favorite with nine wives.
• Pam: "Many of his wives were too young to be wives and were groomed into this position." (17:50)
• The weird “feminist” framing of Joseph’s polygamy.
• Details:
  • Some wives work outside; others are content with shared husbandly duties (“just one sex appointment a month”).
  • Observations about odd town names: Bountiful, Big Water.
  • Homeschooling as an early concept in the article.
  • The wives’ perspectives range from rationalizing (“better another wife than cheating”) to resignation.
• Pam: “Years after his death, wife Beau wrote that she has no regrets, but... exactly zero of his quiver full of children followed in his polygamous path.” (21:28)

Feature #4: 9 Things About America That Make Us Want to Scream (Skipped) (23:29)

• The team agrees to skip recapping this list, noting “we can all give ourselves the gift of skipping this one. Yeah. Today on February 2, 2026.” (23:38)

Health & Body Talk (24:16)

• Funky interlude, then discussion on health tips and half-baked medical facts.
• Tartar control toothpaste can cause rashes (serious anecdotes from Pam, 24:35-25:47).
• Thoughts on less-discussed topics (dread kitty disease, protein and kidney health, cancer risk).
• Tara: "I feel like you never hear about tartar anymore, though." (26:27)
• Skewering item juxtapositions (bulimia helpline next to chips/oil/fat facts).

The Sassy Guy Panel: Does Breast Size Matter? (30:13)

• Sassy surveyed guys—results: “Yes, say 55%.”
• Tara: “Does breast size matter? Could mean I like it when they're small, so it does matter to me. I'm just saying this is a flawed interest.” (30:57)
• Jesse J. Ames, self-styled “Ferris Bueller of rap,” gets roasted for his quote and image.
• Hosts google what happened to the panelists—surprise: Jesse Itzler is now a billionaire married to Spanx’s founder (34:07).

It Happened To Me: Homelessness (37:19)

• Sassy’s real teen essay about volunteering for the homeless.
• Pam: “This one's about homelessness. Here's one girl, Jean, 16, learning that it's a thing and that you can try and do stuff to help, which makes you feel a little better for a minute, but then it's kind of overwhelming and sad.” (39:36)
• Real talk about charity, student activism, and modern mutual aid.

On the Road: Brooklyn (40:47)

• Profile of Inti Einhorn, a Brooklyn teen—hosts cyberstalk where he ended up (SaaS tech company; Pam’s husband also works in SaaS).

Stuff You Wrote (46:11)

• Readings and riffings on classic Sassy reader submissions: loneliness, charity, philosophical pondering, and kissing motorcycle seats.
• Pam: "If you're the one everyone else turns to, where do you turn? If you keep secrets the best, who'll keep yours?" (46:16)
• Tara (joking): "Freak. Love it. Kiss the seat of your motorcycle." (50:03)

“Top 4 Really Satisfying Things” (51:41)

• Peeling a painless scab, vacuum sound, surprising someone, no-stain period sheets.
• Dave: "So, like, when you were at your fattest and you were sweating a lot. That's what she means, right?" (52:09)

Musical Moments and Spiraling Tangents

• Impromptu fake jingles for every segment (“It happened to me,” “On the Road”).
• Improvised show themes and jokes about Sassy’s intangible 90s energy.
• Extended riffs on motorcycle seat-kinks, podcast technical issues, and inside jokes about Google Docs formatting (e.g., “uber driver sucked me off”).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Pam (spine line): "This is because we have a polygamist article. That's what you say to all your wives when you hi, honey, I’m home. Hi, honey, I’m home.” (04:07)
• Dave: "All the male gladiator names... are types of diarrhea." (11:00)
• Pam: “My kid does parkour three times a week and was like, I failed the Presidential fitness exam. Like, it’s not a fair test.” (12:34)
• Tara: "All the female gladiator names are neglected pets of rich families for sure." (11:19)
• Pam (about polygamy): “Many of his wives were too young to be wives and were groomed into this position. So, in any event, all the ladies here... appear to be just so happy to only have one dude to have to deal with or fuck once a month.” (17:50)
• Pam: “Years after his death, wife Beau wrote that she has no regrets, but also lets us know that exactly zero of his quiver full of children followed in his polygamous path.” (21:28)
• Pam: “It was expensive to have a long distance relationship.” (17:14)
• Tara (on Body Talk): "I feel like you never hear about tartar anymore, though." (26:27)
• Tara: “Does breast size matter? Could mean I like it when they're small, so it does matter to me. I'm just saying this is a flawed interest.” (30:57)
• Pam (a reader's letter): “If you're the one everyone else turns to, where do you turn? If you keep secrets the best, who'll keep yours? No shoulder to cry on except your own.” (46:16)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:53] Issue & cultural context intro
• [04:50] American Gladiators feature breakdown
• [14:49] The long-distance boyfriend predicament
• [17:50] Polygamy profile & commentary
• [24:16] Health/Body Talk: Toothpaste rashes, bulimia, health fads
• [30:13] Guy Panel: Does breast size matter? (plus deep Jesse J. Ames dive)
• [37:19] It Happened To Me: Homelessness
• [40:47] On The Road: Brooklyn segment
• [46:11] Stuff You Wrote: Listener submissions, philosophical letters, motorcycle seat affection

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Tone & Atmosphere

The episode is fast-paced, irreverent, and deeply nostalgic. The hosts’ warmth and wit fill the space between earnest Sassy content and gleeful Gen X side-eye, making the conversation accessible and fun, even for listeners unfamiliar with Sassy magazine.

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For Further Enjoyment & Participation

• Take the August 1991 Sassy quiz (see listen to sassy.com as referenced in-episode).
• Call the show's voicemail line (7:20 Sassy) to leave your own magazine memories, theme songs, or takes.
• Suggested mutual aid: National Day Labor Organizing Network (NDLON.org) for those wanting to support vulnerable workers.

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Listener Takeaway:
This episode revives the joy—and ridiculousness—of a formative 90s teen magazine, using its features as a launching pad for laughs, critiques of the past, and affectionate, weird storytelling. Even if you weren't a Sassy subscriber, you'll leave with a dose of ’90s pop culture, a few health tips, and at least one new thing to giggle about.

Transcript

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[Dave]

I am recording, still singing what I'm doing.

[Pam]

I am also recording, saying what Dave is doing.

[Tara]

He is recording.

[Dave]

Pam's talking about me recording and singing what I'm doing. All right, here we go. Nope, we're done. We can't accept this anymore. It'll be too confusing.

[Alex Joseph (referenced)]

We get a lot of what we call tourists through here every Sunday, big eyed, looking around. They don't even know what the hell they're looking for, but they're looking around. A lot of people ask up there. Is that a motel up there? Is that your town hall up there? And I say, nah. I say, some guy and his nine wives live up there. What can you imagine? Nine women hollering at you all at once?

[Tara]

Jeez, can you.

[Dave]

Can you die?

[Pam]

It is August 1991. Tim Berners Lee releases files describing his idea for the world wide web and debuts www. Remember that As a publicly available service on the Internet. The US Performs a nuclear test at a Nevada test site and a bunch of countries declare their independence from the ussr. Let's get into it. We're an official podcast now.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

It's time to listen to Sassy.

[Tara]

Sassy. Fuck yeah. Hi, Dave.

[Dave]

Hi.

[Tara]

Hi, Pam.

[Dave]

Hi, Pam.

[Tara]

Hello. Something feels different about that intro.

[Dave]

Oh, glorious.

[Pam]

Feels good. Feels good.

[Tara]

Great.

[Pam]

No regrets.

[Tara]

I feel glad for you.

[Dave]

I feel like there should have been one to wrap up, like, anyways, I fell down a manhole.

[Pam]

No diary wraps up this way. If you ever an old diary, you're like, I promise to write every Day for the rest of this year.

[Tara]

Blank. That is true.

[Dave]

I'm not saying I can't not put something after the description of what happened this week, but I definitely don't want to do the diary anymore.

[Pam]

That's right. We could just do a thing. You could be your own thing, your own spin.

[Tara]

I'm happy for you both.

[Pam]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Tara]

And for me, the times when Dave is. I remind him it's his turn, and he goes. And I'm like, can I just do it? Because I can't take the complaining. And he'll say, yes.

[Dave]

Look, honey.

[Tara]

Shut up.

[Pam]

We went far. We went far. We took that horse. It was dead.

[Dave]

We beat it. I assume that the father's enemies came in and wiped out the family in a hit.

[Pam]

They definitely moved. They definitely moved.

[Tara]

But let's get into this issue. It's August 1991. The spine line is, hi, honey, I'm home. Hi, honey, I'm home. Hi, honey, I'm home. Hi, honey, I'm home. Hi. Whole spine taken up with this latest conceptual one.

[Dave]

Okay, I have a theory.

[Tara]

Go ahead.

[Dave]

This is a bunch of bees coming home from harvesting pollen.

[Tara]

Wouldn't that be hi, home? I have honey.

[Pam]

I get it. No, I know what it's for. I know what it's for.

[Tara]

What is it?

[Pam]

Do I feel dumb? This is because we have a polygamist article. That's what you say to all your wives when you hi, honey, I'm home. Hi, honey, I'm home.

[Tara]

Tourists, tourists, tourists.

[Pam]

It was an irresistible interview, that dude's voice.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

I very rarely get why we're spine lining, but this one.

[Dave]

Thanks, Pam. Pam cracked it.

[Tara]

Pam's smart.

[Pam]

She's got some new supplements. Everybody, they're working.

[Dave]

They said it was for my spine, but I guess it's spine line.

[Pam]

The top of the spine. All right, well, should we just get into our features or do you have anything else? All right, great.

[Tara]

Let's do it.

[Dave]

Feature number one, is it better with fanfare like that? Just let me know. I can do it for each one.

[Pam]

Definitely. Never stop. This one is written by Kim. It's called oh, I Gladiatrix. I had completely forgotten about Gladiators or American Gladiators.

[Tara]

I'm really surprised because they have kept the flame alive. They? NBC did a revival in 2008 hosted by Layla Ali, daughter of Muhammad and Hulk Hogan, killer of Gawker Media. We hate him. We curse him.

[Dave]

What are you going to do when the two foot legal pythons get a hold of you?

[Tara]

That's what he Said it's going to ruin.

[Dave]

He didn't even have lawyers. He just came in, did some Hulkamania stuff, and he gave him the money.

[Tara]

He's dead, right?

[Dave]

Oh, yeah.

[Tara]

Fuck him. Rest in piss. All right, uh, but another revival is coming, hosted by the Miz from the Challenge any minute now to Prime Video. It was supposed to be last year, but it happened.

[Dave]

The Mids.

[Tara]

The Miz.

[Dave]

Oh, the Miz.

[Tara]

The Miz.

[Dave]

The Mids. This is like.

[Pam]

Okay, that's a person.

[Dave]

Not great. Not terrible.

[Tara]

Mids Mizzenin or Mizanin. Dave, do you remember that show? We watched one episode of called Cannonball, which was like, part of that. The wave of it was.

[Dave]

It was what if? The Wipeout, but only one thing, right?

[Tara]

Or what if. Holy moly. But just being flung around on Lake.

[Dave]

Did I just call it the Wipeout like an old grandma?

[Pam]

Okay, you did.

[Tara]

I was gonna move past it anyway.

[Dave]

The mist before you get off of it.

[Tara]

He was one of the hosts of Cannibals. Go ahead.

[Dave]

American Gladiator coming back again and again and again. A show very much of that ilk that does that every once in a while is BattleBots. So why not have BattleBots versus human gladiators?

[Tara]

Mm. I love that.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Tara]

HBO Max already tested the water with Human versus Hamster, which I also watched, by the way.

[Dave]

I just called it. Human Gladiators are not American Gladiators. So we're doing great. We're recording this. I've had chest pains all day. I might die on this podcast and. Wait, just hang on. If I. Just hang on. If I do.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Please put the podcast out there. I want the podcast to be dying on air on the podcast on out there.

[Pam]

Is this the closest you two have to a living will? Dave, you should keep talking.

[Dave]

I want the podcast to go out there.

[Tara]

Yeah, right.

[Dave]

Tara is going to describe our major assets, and then the voting public will figure out what goes where.

[Pam]

Great.

[Dave]

Yeah. I've already bequeathed all my pills to you, Pam. You don't have to worry about that.

[Tara]

That's nice.

[Pam]

I don't know if they're working since you are inactive.

[Dave]

I forgot. I forgot to get chest pill pains.

[Tara]

Chest pill pains? No, you remembered to get pains.

[Dave]

That's right.

[Pam]

Sound of Science, come and get.

[Dave]

I got the pills that caused chest pain. Take. It says take one a day, and it's the size of a football. That's why.

[Tara]

I sense we're in the midst of another. We're not going to edit this one episode of.

[Dave]

I think we Might be.

[Pam]

Tried so hard. All right. Anyway, I don't remember American Glad. I don't watch these. I just didn't watch any of these. Like, if it had any whiff of wrestling or whatever.

[Tara]

Right.

[Pam]

Other than, you know, I stayed true to my roller derby roots all the way through, but this was the kind of thing I wouldn't watch.

[Dave]

But Pam, honestly, and I'm not even like taking the piss, if they came to you and said American Gladiators, but we need story, we need lore, we need things happening. We need that sort of like backstage wrestling drama, but more story form. Would you be interested?

[Pam]

Is it wga?

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

Let's say yes.

[Pam]

First question, is it unionized?

[Dave]

Yes.

[Pam]

Yeah, if it's union.

[Dave]

It's a podcast now. It's American Gladiators podcast featuring Pete Davidson.

[Pam]

Yeah, I. This is tough. This is tough. I don't know. This is still a lot of like, this is still wrestling, but there's. I have to write a lot of that.

[Dave]

Strong men, strong woman. They're probably looking for love. You know, one of them runs a diary every day.

[Pam]

Oh, that's it. If they're also in high school, then I'm in American High School Gladiators.

[Dave]

You're the writer, Pam.

[Pam]

Thank you.

[Dave]

You do it, Pam.

[Tara]

Did I ever tell you I got recruited by the WWE to do that job when I was at Bravo?

[Pam]

Did you do it?

[Tara]

No, because it was in. No, it was in Stamford, Connecticut. So I would have had to like take the train every day because.

[Dave]

And by the way, Stamford, Connecticut, just put the P in there. So we're all going to be happy and live our lives.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Or the N. Change it to an N. Yes.

[Tara]

But I imagine it was not well paid. It would have been a really annoying commute.

[Dave]

That's on the city crest. Stanford, Connecticut. We're not happy with it either.

[Tara]

Take it.

[Pam]

We tried. We tried to take a stamp, but we couldn't.

[Dave]

No.

[Tara]

All right, back to the scenery. Good God.

[Pam]

Back of this thing. My gosh.

[Tara]

I was responsible. Part of that. I'm sorry.

[Dave]

Remember, remember 20 minutes ago when I said let's make this quick and easy?

[Tara]

He did.

[Pam]

We went right into it.

[Dave]

This is going to be the first three hour episode.

[Pam]

I could tell stars quote, 10 ultra pumped, glitzed out athletic gladiators, cartoon superheroes come alive. There are five men. Gemini, Nitro, Laser, Turbo and Thunder. And five women. Lace, Blaze, Gold, diamond and Ice. Many are blonde. They wear outfits that show their mass, their muscularity off to its greatest advantage anyway. And then they compete in crazy little contests. You know how it works. We have these all the time still.

[Tara]

Sure.

[Pam]

You were competing for 500 some macaroos. And this is an article where.

[Tara]

Not enough.

[Pam]

No, no. It's not enough for something where you can't cover your health care even then.

[Tara]

Not enough.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

So anyway, Kim goes to. It's probably not called an audition, but I'm gonna call it that anyway. Cause it's the show. She goes to a tryout to knowing there's no way she's gonna get in here at all. But does it, you know, for us and the lulz.

[Tara]

Yeah. And they let her go through even though she does not pass the first test. Because, you know, for the story. Dave, you had a note about the names of the gladiators.

[Dave]

Yes, I have several notes about the names of the gladiators. First, all the male gladiator names, and we just heard them, are types of diarrhea.

[Pam]

Yep.

[Tara]

Laser Zap, Turbo.

[Pam]

What's Gemini? Don't tell me, tell me.

[Tara]

What is it?

[Pam]

Don't tell me two types of.

[Dave]

It's two diarrheas at once.

[Tara]

Oh, see, I would think diarrheas, that's when it's coming out of both ends. So you're.

[Dave]

Yes. Thank you for painting the picture.

[Pam]

All right, Gemini.

[Dave]

All the female gladiator names are neglected pets of rich families for sure.

[Tara]

Ice, Diamond, Blaze, and the next generation.

[Dave]

Of gladiators will be named after iPhone colors such as space black, Starlight, midnight, graphite, rose gold, Sierra blue, Alpine for sure. Yep.

[Pam]

I'm a rose gold. The first thing that Kim fails is having to do seven pull ups in 20 seconds. I can't do one. And I have genuinely been actively working on it for years.

[Dave]

Wow.

[Pam]

Can't do it.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Can you?

[Dave]

She. She didn't either.

[Tara]

Were you at.

[Pam]

I like. I've never been able either way.

[Dave]

I have never done a push up. I can do you one better. I. Number of push ups in 53 years. 0.

[Tara]

It's not pull up. Push ups.

[Dave]

Oh, pull ups. Yeah, push ups. I've had to do. Sorry.

[Tara]

Pull ups. You've done a push up, I'm sure.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Because you guys didn't have the presidential fitness exam that is name checked here where you have to do a bunch of things.

[Dave]

Right? Yeah. Back in the 80s when I thought I was going to be a international action star, I. I just couldn't find one of those bars you're supposed to put in the doorway of your house to do it at home to bulk up. I just couldn't find one that I gave up on the whole adventure. That's why I'm not a superstar today.

[Pam]

We can still get you one. No, this. I. You had to do the flexed arm hang. I could never do it for like a. A single second. And you had to do so many sit ups in a row. And you have to run a 40. You have to run too fast. I don't. Even if you're a fit kid. My kid just had to do one of these. This kid does parkour three times a week and was like, I failed the Presidential fitness exam. Like, it's not a fair test.

[Tara]

That's particularly galling when you consider the current president is like shitting his pants. Literally. In the Oval Office. On video. In the Oval Office.

[Pam]

In the awful office. She got it right. She got it right.

[Dave]

It's full of tripe.

[Tara]

It's full of something.

[Dave]

Full of some. Yeah, I think if you do fail, you just. You get to challenge the President and see if you're better than me.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

Also never done one pull up.

[Dave]

No, I would like to challenge the President to his shit off.

[Pam]

Frankly, that's nitro. Anyway, these days, Ice looks hotter than ever. And she seems very happy with her hot girlfriend and has great Instagram feed. If you are someone who likes to fill your Instagram with hot ladies working out, add her to your mix.

[Tara]

Amazing. Does she still have a mullet? Okay.

[Pam]

Oh, you didn't click.

[Tara]

No, I'm not on Instagram anymore and it's too long a story to explain why you can't.

[Pam]

Oh, that's right.

[Tara]

Whatever. It's too dumb.

[Pam]

Tried to not tell me this before. I did. I will. Here, I'll just give you a little.

[Tara]

But we'll link into the chat.

[Dave]

We can't. Yeah, just do it later. I don't want to edit this and I don't want a big two minute pause while you do Internet stuff.

[Pam]

All right, let's just pretend chat. Calm the fuck down. All right.

[Tara]

Oh, damn. Ice looks great.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

My hair's cute.

[Dave]

In my defense, usually take longer than that.

[Tara]

Moving on.

[Dave]

Are we.

[Tara]

Aren't we?

[Pam]

Well, all right, sure.

[Dave]

Bye. Bye. I just want to say the best game for American Gladiator is the one where they shoot you with the tennis ball throwing machine.

[Tara]

Is that real?

[Dave]

Yeah, it's like a tennis ball cannon. And you have to get to the gladiator while they're shooting at you. Or the opposite. I think maybe you get to try to shoot the gladiator sometimes. Fantastic. No nuts.

[Tara]

Ridiculous feature number two.

[Dave]

Feature number two.

[Tara]

Chronic long distance boyfriend distress. This is Christina giving pros and cons of being in a long distance relationship with someone. And I really have nothing much to add to this. There are pros, there are cons, it's up to you. She seems to come out on the side of it's not that great. But she also indicates that she's been in a long distance relate to distanced relationship recently. And I just wonder if her partner is from the D.C. area. Perhaps he's someone who is known for lying about his age. But anyway, she. One of her. One of the pros is you get letters and if it's. That's a good one. Letters are good. That's all. Yes.

[Pam]

I was trying to figure out if I've ever not had a long distance boyfriend and the answer I believe was no.

[Tara]

Wait a minute. Oh. Cause you continued to keep in touch with him after you moved.

[Pam]

No, I think there was always an element during the relationship of long distance.

[Tara]

I see. Always. Uh huh. Like maybe they were trying to get away from you.

[Dave]

Pamela digs out of state.

[Tara]

Guys, just trying to understand what you mean. You're currently. I moved a lot. Distance relations. Okay, that's what I meant.

[Pam]

We started long distance. He. He did not live here.

[Tara]

That's true. He didn't. That's what I'm saying.

[Dave]

The other side of the house.

[Tara]

He's not even in town right now.

[Pam]

He left this morning.

[Dave]

Do you remember how we used to communicate when we lived in different cities?

[Tara]

Yeah, we emailed each other.

[Dave]

No, before that. Well, okay, it. It concurrent with that for chat.

[Tara]

Was it Skype? I don't remember. Oh, was it icq?

[Dave]

Well, before Skype, Perhaps before ICQ as well. Gopher.

[Announcer]

Good.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

Gopher was the cool one where it looked like jumping Jack Flash where you could see them typing at the same time. And you had the up and down chat boxes.

[Dave]

Gopher was a terminal. It was terminal. So it's whatever. It's just text. It wasn't.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tara]

That was when I was in grad school and I had a roommate and she must have really been annoyed by how much I was on the phone line all the time because that's how you had to do it back then. We didn't have two phone lines in.

[Pam]

The hallway getting charged. 12 cents a minute to call long distance. 6 cents a minute if you waited until after midnight.

[Tara]

Oh boy.

[Pam]

Expensive to have a long distance relationship.

[Tara]

Yep. Well, that's one of the cons in the article. Letters are better. Moving on.

[Dave]

Excuse me. Yes.

[Pam]

All right. Feature number three.

[Dave]

Oh, wait. Oh, we're doing quiet one?

[Pam]

No, I was just setting up for you.

[Dave]

Let's just do like a coming attractions feature thing.

[Pam]

Okay. All right.

[Dave]

It has to rise. It's like.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

Feature number three.

[Pam]

All right. This cat has nine wives. This is about Alex. Yeah, Alex Joseph, who was, I don't know, like, early talk show fodder for a man who had a lot of wives. And I. I guess he considers himself a pretty feminist polygamist. So I suppose these days he'd just be following. Yeah. Yes, he. But I would say many of his wives were too young to be wives and were groomed into this position. So, in any event, all the ladies here. This is big love. All the ladies here married to Alex Joseph appear to be just so happy to only have one dude to have to deal with or fuck once a month. And the rest of them are just raising kids and doing chores. Some of them have jobs, but they seem to not last very long in the community.

[Dave]

This sounds like a 30 rock theme song. Can't she be good at her job?

[Tara]

Well, one of them is a lawyer. And she very clearly says just one sex appointment a month with Alex is fine because she's so busy. But she also got him to marry her legal secretary, Delinda, and the two of them share a house, and they are together full time. I'm just saying I thought it was.

[Dave]

Going to be, you know, share her husband with her legal secretary and they share notes.

[Tara]

Well, they might. She.

[Dave]

She gives them shorthand jobs.

[Tara]

She charges by this every six minutes. That's a. That's her billing cycle.

[Pam]

Fun fact. Alex Joseph requested that his occupation on his death certificate be listed as pirate. So sorry, Dave. Someone beat you to it.

[Dave]

Ah, damn. Why are the names of the places where all this sort of stuff happens always this, like, bounty, Big water Tang town. Like, what is going on here? They never have a normal name.

[Pam]

Yeah, I don't know much about Mormon scripture, but I'm gonna guess it comes from that. Maybe.

[Dave]

Okay, well, isn't bounty in British Columbia bountiful? Bountiful. Thank you.

[Tara]

Yes, it is in British Columbia.

[Dave]

I don't know. Just, like, trade in your name perhaps Nobody would write stories for you if you just lived in, like, you know, Allenburg. All right, fine. Nothing weird happens at Allenberg.

[Pam]

Stanford.

[Tara]

It's how.

[Pam]

It's how you get a Stanford.

[Dave]

We took the P out of Stanford.

[Pam]

Such early homeschooling concepts that homeschool is two words, and in quotes, like they're having to explain that these kids don't get to go to school so that they can be at home. School?

[Dave]

Yeah. What do you think they're learning?

[Pam]

Whatever.

[Dave]

What's that dude teaching him?

[Pam]

I don't think he's teaching anything.

[Dave]

This is a Phillips screwdriver.

[Tara]

Seems like he just sleeps all the time.

[Pam]

Yeah. And he stays up all night doing polygamy just like you did a full time job.

[Dave]

He's got a Gantt chart to figure out when he's got to hang out with what wife.

[Pam]

There were Gantt. There was a movie made about this. There were like articles or. Go ahead.

[Dave]

What happens in the movie? This doesn't sound like it's very exciting story. Just the guy has a lot of wives.

[Pam]

There was five seasons of Big Love. I don't know what to tell you.

[Dave]

Yeah, but I mean they're fixtifies, right? They could.

[Tara]

Yeah. I mean I think this was when it was still sort of like Pam said, he was a talk show mainstay. It was sort of a curiosity like can you imagine? And then everyone started to understand the darkness.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Of what actually happens.

[Pam]

14 wives in total. It says five left when they realized freedom. And yeah, he says a lot of times the wives find him and want to marry him. He's a very unique man. He's brilliant. It's a pleasure to listen to him talk and to see how his mind works because he's so original. But I think for a woman who needs a lot of male attention, polygamy wouldn't fit the bill. I'd feel less crowded. I think I'd feel crowded in a monogamous relationship. She says years after his death, wife Beau wrote that she has no regrets, but also lets us know that exactly zero of his quiver full of children followed in his polygamous path. So I don't know if it was a happy, happy, happy home.

[Dave]

Do you think Sister Vibes or Zoe, Is that the name?

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

Do you think sister wives just go for this because they kind of don't want to be bothered all the time?

[Tara]

I mean that's sort of how it seems in the article.

[Dave]

It's like I want to get married, but kind of not.

[Tara]

Uh huh.

[Dave]

So I could just timeshare this dude. That'd be fine.

[Pam]

Yeah. Each person is doing their own self reasoning of lowering a standard like this one. The way I look at polygamy is if I'm married to a guy, I'd rather him marry another girl than cheat on me. I wouldn't go push my husband and go come on get another wife, but say you had children with your husband. Would you rather have him get another wife and you be there too, or would you rather say, I can't deal with this. I'm leaving. I would say I can't deal with this and leave. So this is. So no matter what he does, you're like, I already said that'd be cool.

[Tara]

I said.

[Pam]

I said you could do that. Or I would. I would just stay if you did. So. Yeah, whatever. And some of them were just raised to want to do this. So there you go with that.

[Tara]

Good luck to them.

[Dave]

Oh, we're skipping feature number four, but let's tell them what it was so they know why we're skipping it.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

Wait. Okay.

[Pam]

Feature number four. Feature number four. Feature number 4. Feature number 4. This is feature number four. Feature number four. Feature number four redacted.

[Tara]

Feature number four is nine things about America that make us want to scream and throw stuff.

[Dave]

Oh, you're sweet, Summer child.

[Tara]

Yeah, I. As I wrote in the doc, I feel like we can all give ourselves the gift of skipping this one. Yeah. Today on February 2, 2026. Except I just wanted to note, I would bet money the reason Nelson the band is one of the nine things is that Mike is one of the co. Bylined authors of this article.

[Pam]

Mike, we are at now nine factorial things about America that won't make us want to scream into stuff. So that's where we. We were just like, we don't have this kind of time. Nope.

[Dave]

What do you want to do for Body Talk? What kind of. What milieu are we going to soak in?

[Pam]

Are we going to change what's great? We have. We have Body Talk.

[Dave]

Oh, that's right. But let's do a fanfare first. Let me hear your. That was terrible. Let me hear your Body Talk.

[Tara]

Mouth funk.

[Pam]

That's our first topic here. Body Talk. Target control Toothpaste is great. Thank you. It's Flea. Little moment from Flea. Dude, Mouth funk. Tardy control Toothpaste is great for getting pesky plaque off your teeth, but it may carry a small risk. A study done at a Baltimore hospital. Sounds legit. Do they mean the Baltimore hospital of which it just dropped right out of my head for a minute. But it's like John Hopkins. Like the Halo.

[Tara]

Thank you.

[Pam]

Yes. Isn't that in Baltimore? Determined that pyrophosphate, the active ingredient in tartar control toothpaste, can give you an icky rash on the skin near your mouth. It's true. I have gotten this terrible rash. Oh, no, from toothpaste. It's the worst. It took months before we figured out that's what it was.

[Dave]

Are you enjoying the funk background, by the way?

[Pam]

I don't know. I'm ignoring it.

[Dave]

Do I make it louder for you?

[Tara]

Honestly?

[Pam]

Because you can cut it later.

[Tara]

And Jesus, Dave, this is like now.

[Pam]

When you try to watch 21 Jump street and they have to put in just the music they can find instead of what it was.

[Dave]

It was Red Hot Chili Peppers. Now you get this.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

All right. I will fade it out for you.

[Pam]

Anyway, it's serious. If you're getting, like, rashes on the corner of your mouth and you can't figure out why, it might be because you changed your toothpaste. It took months for to know. I thought it was food. I thought it was stuff. We had to get steroids. It was awful. I had a thing that happened when I took this toothpaste with me to India. It was. Took a very long time to get my mouth back in order.

[Tara]

Oh, so this was, like, relatively recently, like, as an adult.

[Pam]

It was like the toothpaste that the dentist gave Jason, which had, like, extra, extra fluoride, must have somehow had this pyrophosphate in it as well, because this whole. I'm still touching it because it's still kind of sensitive. This whole side of my face, like, was awful.

[Tara]

I feel like you never hear about tartar anymore, though.

[Pam]

Yes, we solved it.

[Tara]

Like, you hear more about gum disease and, like, receding gums and all that stuff. And of course, Dave, can I put you on blast for your recent dental adventure? Dave had a filling.

[Dave]

I had two because the cavity was, like, against two teeth. Like, the mess.

[Pam]

Yeah, let's fill it up because we have a lot of baking soda in our toothpaste now. It's less, like, hippie. And that's so good for tartar that maybe we have less of a problem with it.

[Tara]

Maybe. Let's hope.

[Dave]

Moving on. Teen suicide.

[Pam]

Oh, no. You were just gonna say, don't do it.

[Tara]

Bulimia takes a real emotional toll on you and can result in kidney failure, menstrual irregularity, and really mess teeth. If you're tired of benching and purging, there's a 24 hour confidential eating disorders helpline you can call. And I appreciated that they were just straight ahead with this and did not try to do a. It happened to me. Bulimia. Because a lot of times when you read these articles, they kind of come across as a how to, like, giving tips. And I imagine that's what they were trying to avoid. So good job.

[Dave]

Enough. I'm so sick and tired of hearing you people talk about food, food, food.

[Tara]

Well, we're not done. Because the next one is. I know. Eating 8 ounces of potato chips is like drinking 12 to 20 teaspoons of vegetable oil. No, it's not. It's like eating eight ounces of potato chips. What you're saying is it's that many calories or that much fat or whatever. And maybe don't put that right next to the bulimia item. I'm just saying. Oh, it was just because of protein. Too much protein's been linked to cancer. Tell that to 2026.

[Dave]

Wait, what is Dread kidney disease?

[Pam]

Well, we're not there yet.

[Dave]

First you need to learn. I'm sorry, I thought we're ending this segment. Proceed, please, Pam.

[Pam]

Contrary to popular belief, you can't get a sunburn through your car window. It's not exactly true, but you definitely can still get skin cancer. So don't pretend you're good.

[Tara]

Oh, and of course the source comes from Australia, the skin cancer capital of the world, I assume.

[Dave]

Look good, mate. Some bumps.

[Tara]

Dread Kitty disease is fiv. Feline immunodeficiency virus. Begins cats immune systems just like AIDS does to humans.

[Dave]

So you can talk normally. We don't have to do the Oscar in Memoriam voice.

[Tara]

No, we don't. Yeah, but it is serious. But this is another one I feel like I never hear about anymore. Yeah, it's the tartar of.

[Dave]

I thought it was from Princess Bride.

[Tara]

Yes, Dread Kitty. Robert. Yeah, look out.

[Pam]

Anyway, well, I was wondering if there was a vaccine and that's why I'm looking real fast. But Dave doesn't want me to look. Dave doesn't want me to look.

[Tara]

Dave hates you to learn.

[Dave]

What if the person who figured it out and developed a cure was laser from American Gladiators?

[Tara]

What if it was one of Alex Joseph's wives?

[Dave]

That's right. What if it was three of them working together? One handled dread, one handled disease, the other, of course, kitty.

[Tara]

Moving on.

[Dave]

Yeah, all right, time's up.

[Pam]

We can move on. No, it seems like it's just harder to get or not as not a it's worldwide and so therefore harder to.

[Dave]

Get because of all the mumps parties that all the adult cats make their kittens do.

[Pam]

Yeah, that's right. All right, moving on.

[Tara]

Moving on. What he said the question this month. Does the breast size matter? Yes, say 55% of he's no, say 45% and then the blurb that introduces it is, want to really embarrass a guy, ask him this question. Blah, blah, blah. Want to really embarrass a guy, ask him this question. Our panel stammered and stuttered, but slightly over half finally admitted that when they first see a girl, they're attracted to the bigger variety. That's not the question. If that was what you were asking, it would be, do you prefer larger breasts? Does breast size matter? Could mean I like it when they're small, so it does matter to me. I'm just saying this is a flawed interest.

[Dave]

Well, you're just not reading it right. The way you're supposed to read it is does br size matter? Yeah, yeah, size.

[Tara]

So up top we've got Joel, 17, and he really paints a picture of the song.

[Dave]

He's the booby man of the guy.

[Tara]

He'S trying to be, which is I'm trying to be a vegan bass player. He is a New Jersey dwelling Doc Martin wearing MD to be who has an identical twin named Jason. As for breast, Joel said, they don't do much. It's just a gland. I'm not more attracted to girls with big breasts, but I don't think a girl with big boobs is stupid. No one said that until you said it, Joel. So you're not quite as pre woke, whatever it was called back then as you think. If you're just volunteering that that's what you think is bad about them. Meanwhile, Jerry is like kind of a pig, but at least you know where you stand with him is where you know. Yes, I like them big, but not too huge. Then it can look weird. Great. Glad to know where you're coming from, Jerry.

[Dave]

1, 2, 3, 4. Pressure.

[Tara]

The rest of these sophists are all talking around the question. And then there's Jesse, who is, I guess the Ferris Bueller of rap, according to this blurb. And I'll just let everybody go to the visual aids and see how Margie wrote about because he could not win everything she said she was. She's like, huh. She just hates him. Which is funny.

[Dave]

Jesse, 22. What can one say about Jesse J. Ames, the Ferris Bueller of rap? I did not make that up. His publicist did. How do you let that sit? Why don't you ask for an explanation? Because this all I want out of this article is what does that mean? Just he's not into isms. Is that like his. His rap is totally flavorless and doesn't take a stand on anything. Potatoes.

[Tara]

They're good.

[Dave]

Unless they're not.

[Pam]

We do have Shake it like a white girl the video, if you do want to watch it. I. Do you guys know who this is? Like, did he be. I, I. It sounds familiar. But then, wasn't that also Sandra Bernhardt or Sandra Bullock's husband's name?

[Dave]

Yes, it's a famous outlaw, in case you didn't know that too.

[Pam]

Thanks.

[Dave]

Yeah, you're right. Yes, very helpful.

[Tara]

And he was in a frat. I don't know. I would never guess from this photo of just like a cherubic blonde 22 year old in a red hoodie that he's the Ferris Bueller of rap. I would assume he's like a sensitive skater boy because that's, that's what he's giving in this photo.

[Dave]

Yeah. Why do you think that instead of getting a photo of Jerry 16, they just put a mullet on Charlie Sheen?

[Pam]

It is weird.

[Tara]

Yeah, I see it.

[Pam]

Guys, I don't know. I need you to know that Jesse James real name was Jesse Itzler and he is a bajillionaire because he's a partner in Zico Coconut Water. He's one of the owners of the Atlanta Hawks.

[Tara]

Shit. Good for Jesse.

[Pam]

So jokes on us.

[Dave]

He likes them real big, like Ferris Bueller. He became the something king of something.

[Pam]

Yes, that's right.

[Dave]

Got it.

[Tara]

The coconut king of Atlanta.

[Dave]

But hang on one sec.

[Pam]

His debut album.

[Dave]

Go ahead.

[Pam]

Go ahead.

[Dave]

Go ahead. No, go ahead.

[Pam]

His debut album was called go ahead. 30 footer in your face was the name of his debut album. I can't believe they didn't put that in this thing. He co wrote a lot of songs for Tone Loke and then Shake it like a white girl did reach 74 on the Billboard 100.

[Dave]

Oh, he wrote Funky cold Coconut Water.

[Pam]

The. It was in the soundtrack to White Chicks. He wrote and sang the Knicks theme song go New York, go.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Pam]

And wrote original songs for 50 other professional teams. Wrote and sang the Ebby Award winning song I love this game and produced a theme song for Inside the NBA. He's credited with campaigns for Foot Locker and Coca Cola. My goodness.

[Dave]

Gosh.

[Pam]

Sorry.

[Tara]

Jesse. Jesse likes money is what I wanted to watch.

[Dave]

Does Jesse like him big? Did we answer that?

[Pam]

He founded the big ass calendar company. So yes.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

He say that Jesse believes big breasts are, quote, fun and entertaining and nice to look at. But then so is a nice smile. So there you go.

[Pam]

He's married to Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx.

[Tara]

Fuck me. Oh, my God. What? I know about this family's. The kids in this family is. They're gonna make a lot of terrible rap because they have the cash. They have all the money in the world to pursue all kinds of very dumb interests.

[Dave]

But here's what. Here's the tragic story of what happens to them.

[Tara]

Oh, no.

[Dave]

Well, you know, they're rebelling. They're bored, so they have to get their kicks, and they end up trying to, like, rob banks, like one of those rich kids things. And they're captured very quickly because instead of nylon stockings over the heads, they put Spanx. And the trail of coconut water was a big giveaway as well, too.

[Tara]

That would work because you could put the crotch of your, like, Spanx right over the mouth. And then.

[Dave]

You guys like beef boobs.

[Tara]

Not really.

[Dave]

Is it a pain in the butt?

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

You fall over a lot?

[Tara]

Kind of.

[Dave]

It's like wobbles.

[Tara]

Yeah. Weebles.

[Dave]

Weebles.

[Pam]

I like mine. They've been working for me this whole time. I take good care of them. So many. So many supplements. It's called an underwire bra at all times.

[Tara]

That's it.

[Pam]

All right. Dave, do you have more? Are we gonna.

[Tara]

Dave, do you like big boobs?

[Dave]

Like em. Big. That's the correct answer, right?

[Tara]

I don't know. Sure.

[Dave]

I like them big and Tara sized.

[Pam]

Yeah, there you go. There you go.

[Dave]

Tara falls over a lot.

[Tara]

Next. Next.

[Dave]

Hang on, please. Wait.

[Pam]

It happened to me.

[Dave]

It happened to me.

[Pam]

Yeah, that one's pretty good. It could be very jewel, though.

[Tara]

It happened to me. You soon will agree when you read.

[Pam]

Your sassy that it happened to me or it didn't. I got paid to write this.

[Tara]

Oh, God.

[Dave]

Ugh.

[Pam]

Great, guys. I miss performing.

[Dave]

And then after that, for the title.

[Pam]

In the room, call me.

[Dave]

Okay, Wait. But after that, for the title, it's something very different. It's like the announcer from Street Fighter before. So go ahead, do that again.

[Pam]

Okay. Oh, it happened to me.

[Tara]

You. Soon we'll see when you reach your.

[Pam]

Sassy that it happened to me fighting homelessness.

[Tara]

Yeah, this article does not live up to that beautiful intro in any way. It's. It's fine.

[Dave]

I had an abortion. Oops.

[Tara]

Dave, you're making it sound like the YouTube thumbnail joke of, like, Uber driver set me off. Anyway, what you've never seen that joke is Internet.

[Pam]

It's your own Internet. It's none of our business.

[Tara]

I'll put it in. In the. Not the chat. Thanks. I'll put it in the visual aids.

[Dave]

I will see it to anyone who.

[Tara]

Thinks that I made it up.

[Pam]

Don't help their clicks. All right, she's doing it. It just says you guys in real time in the notes. It feels like someone is hacked into the document and it's writing, uber driver sucked me off.

[Tara]

It was like a joke someone made about how bad. How bad YouTube thumbnails are. That's to remind me to go look up the link.

[Dave]

Oh, now it's getting highlighted.

[Tara]

Anyway, homeless people.

[Dave]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. We're going to bold that and italicize it and underline it. We're going to make it much bigger. And let's say red text. There we go. Now put that in the visual.

[Pam]

Oh, let's add for no reason that image.

[Dave]

This is the most I've ever laughed at a Google Doc.

[Pam]

It's a giggle doc. So this one's about homelessness. Here's One girl, Jean, 16, learning that it's a thing and that you can try and do stuff to help, which makes you feel a little better for a minute, but then it's kind of overwhelming and sad. Yeah, it happened to us all.

[Tara]

It did. The National Student Campaign Against Hunger and Homelessness, which she cites still exists. If you want to help, you can contact them with tips on uploading photos that are not extremely blurry, like the ones on their website, which is bad. But assuming you're not a student, your city has mutual or aid organizations that are doing this work. They can use your time and money. So look into that wherever you are.

[Dave]

Oh, look how big the bullet is on the thing. I accidentally hunted. I didn't know bullets got that big. I think it might be spot from seven up on the road.

[Pam]

Brooklyn, New York, New York, New York.

[Tara]

No one wanted to do the song that actually exists for this one.

[Pam]

No.

[Dave]

Which is what?

[Tara]

On the Road again.

[Dave]

Oh, I thought you meant Brooklyn.

[Tara]

What? No, no.

[Dave]

I thought it was a Brooklyn song. No, no. I don't want to get in trouble with Willie Nelson's players. Guy's 92. He's got nothing. He's got nothing to fear.

[Tara]

Oh, my God. How did you know he was 92? Just offhand like that?

[Pam]

Dave.

[Dave]

Willie.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Pam]

Geez. It's for all the Nelsons. Nelson.

[Tara]

Nelson.

[Pam]

Mandel. It got smaller.

[Dave]

Horatio.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

Yeah, the educational publisher. Anyway, on the Road is in Brooklyn, New York. I found Inti Einhorn, our host. Here. His full address and phone number. So fast. I will not dox him. But he does still live in Brooklyn. He is now 55. He works in customer service for a SaaS, which I learned is software. As a Service management platform. Don't know what that means, but good for him.

[Pam]

It's what Jason does.

[Dave]

Is it?

[Pam]

Oh, yes.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Dave]

You use.

[Tara]

It's not as glamorous as what I tell people Jason does, but that's.

[Dave]

You use SaaS stuff on the Internet probably 80 times a day.

[Tara]

Oh, okay.

[Dave]

Yeah. It's just like it's something that used to be software you bought and now you use it on the web. Is sort of a very stupid way to say it, but that's what it is.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Dave]

Yeah. You ever Google Docs software?

[Pam]

Google Docs.

[Tara]

Okay. I'm familiar.

[Pam]

It's sassy.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Nah, listen to Saucy. He mentions his feature.

[Dave]

Number one applications on the web.

[Pam]

It looks like.

[Dave]

It looks like a fucking bullet.

[Tara]

Let's talk about our teen life. Sauces.

[Pam]

The reason that I am seeing the name of this pizza place as fascist pizza, it has to do with just the news cycle. And now our brains are changed. Are just trained to think that facade is fascist. It's just they're trying to do another pizza gate.

[Dave]

Yeah. Plus after you get a pizza, they tackle you and you disappear.

[Tara]

But Fascati pizza not fascist. As far as we know.

[Dave]

Although could be two things.

[Tara]

Complicated history. In Italy, it is still in existence. They are on Henry street in Brooklyn. The Brooklyn Botanic Garden, also still there, has not closed. And if you are going to be in Brooklyn this winter, they have pay what you wish winter weekdays, which sounds like a. I mean literally a bargain.

[Pam]

They did just get a one star review.

[Dave]

Welcome to another one week of Listen to sass. Let's see what's in the document. Oh, my goodness. Uber driver sucked me off.

[Pam]

Let's get into it.

[Dave]

Let's get onto it.

[Pam]

Yeah, they did just get a one star review from Oren in Brooklyn. Really mad that they're cash only. Really mad.

[Tara]

Oh, the pizza place. Not the Botanic Garden.

[Dave]

Not the pizza place.

[Pam]

No, no, no. The pizza place. Counter guy looks at me like I landed from Mars.

[Tara]

You know what, dude? Carry cash. I don't know what to tell you. Grow up.

[Dave]

Yeah, it's good to have cash. Just if you're gonna get mugged, you have something to placate them with instead of them just getting angry that you only have Venmo and they stab you.

[Tara]

Or taking your phone.

[Pam]

Any homes. Yeah, we're done with Brooklyn, right? Yeah, I mean, I don't know much. I'm not allowed. I don't go to New York.

[Tara]

Okay. Yeah, this guy's cute. I hope he has a great life.

[Pam]

He's sassy. Now that's the sassiest boy in America.

[Tara]

That's right.

[Dave]

Wow. This episode. This episode. This issue is bigger than most. Yeah, look at this. We're into 100 page thing here. I don't think.

[Pam]

I hope it means they got tons of ads. That's my hope. Nope. Tara's Likes. No.

[Tara]

Well, Sharp decline. They do more than they normally do, but they have a. There's a huge amount of fashion stuff this month. There's a big, like, multi page back to school fashion feature.

[Dave]

Fashion. Turn the page to the left. Fashion. Turn the page to the right.

[Pam]

Wait, Dave, wait. Don't use all of these gems.

[Dave]

Sorry.

[Tara]

But I'm pretty sure, like, we will not see an issue this long again. Sorry, guys.

[Pam]

We will savor it. Let's get the stuff you wrote.

[Tara]

Let's do.

[Dave]

Oh. Who wrote this? You.

[Pam]

You start, Steve.

[Dave]

Sarah. Casey. Wait. Is that the right song? Is that Casey at the Bat? No, no. What's Casey at the Bat?

[Tara]

It's not a song, it's a poem.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah. Can you read it and I'll set it to music?

[Pam]

Only in Casey Kasem's voice coming in at the plate. It's Casey and I'm at the beat.

[Dave]

That's the best. I can't do it. I could do Shaggy, but I can't think. Casey, Casey. Let me get to the page. Don't talk it like Pam.

[Pam]

Yes, I know this move. It never fails.

[Dave]

All right, here we go. Sarah. Casey. Did you ever wonder why abbreviation is such a long word? Or in other words, daiwa is a wool. Yeah, I can do that too, Sarah. I see what it is.

[Pam]

Oh, I see. I see abbreviated. I get it.

[Dave]

I get it now.

[Pam]

Hey, honey, I'm home.

[Tara]

Hmm.

[Pam]

Stacy Shapiro of Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Stacy Shapiro of St. Louis, Missouri. Keeps it real. This is like an old school stuff you wrote. I feel like we haven't heard one of these in a minute. When you're the one everyone else turns to, where do you turn? If you keep secrets the best, who'll keep yours? No shoulder to cry on except your own. And that's an awkward position. You look at your dog and ask her to keep a secret. You write it down, then scratch it out real quick, knowing you're the only one who can really tell. But it's hard to talk your own ear off. And it's still an awkward position. I loved it. Stacy couldn't dox you. Your name's too normal, too regular, too easy to reproduce.

[Dave]

Got any more of these? If you're the cook who feeds you.

[Tara]

Mm.

[Pam]

Oh.

[Dave]

If you're the cobbler, what happens when Hans Gruber shoots the glass?

[Pam]

How do you know the dog didn't keep a secret? Who's that dog?

[Tara]

Talon.

[Pam]

I feel like the dog kept the secret.

[Dave]

I got something juicy for you.

[Pam]

Getting a secret out of a dog is an awkward position.

[Dave]

She had severed abortions.

[Tara]

Oh, boy.

[Pam]

That's what you. You know, that's when one litter of puppies is really. If you have to. That's seven abortions per dog.

[Ad Voice]

Per.

[Tara]

Per.

[Pam]

Per time. Megan Watson writes of Slidell, Louisiana. Why do people sponsor homeless and needy kids in other countries when there are kids who need help right here?

[Dave]

Good fucking question. Why?

[Pam]

Good question. Megan kept it going. In 1992, she won an essay at the Slidell factory store. I found the. Yeah, I found the press photo on ebay, which I'm just like, how did this get here? Sometimes I just wonder, like, what is the journey of this press photo?

[Tara]

And, like, why would you listen? Who is going to want to buy this?

[Pam]

Maybe she has a Google alert. Yeah, Megan, pick it up. You look very happy to have won an award on the back. It's got an official stamp of what it is, and it's sitting in a, I guess, warehouse in Memphis, Tennessee, waiting for you or a relative of yours to pick it up. Carol Wolfram was the photographer. Maybe Carol wants it, but. Yeah. Watson received a $100 shopping spree for her winning essay. My mom is the greatest because.

[Tara]

Oh, Megan, that's nice.

[Pam]

Isn't it sweet? And she's here in this photo with her mom. Cute.

[Tara]

Sancha Jalek wants to know of Clayton, Missouri, wants to know, when we enter the 21st century, will 20th Century Fox have to change its name? Yes, it did. I mean, it took a lot longer than you would have thought, but they did do it.

[Pam]

You mean to Disney?

[Tara]

Well, I think you still see it's just 20th. What is it now?

[Pam]

20Th. Just 20th.

[Tara]

Just 20th. Right. 20th. Television. Not the best.

[Pam]

Dave. Dave, it's your turn.

[Tara]

No, it's your turn.

[Pam]

Oh, it's my. Dave, it's my turn.

[Dave]

You fucked up big time, Pam.

[Pam]

Dave. Oh, that's good. I'm in this voice because Daria of Yellow Springs, Ohio, what's in the water? Ys wanting to kiss on a May night. I want to kiss. I want to kiss the seat of your motorcycle. I walk by in the dark street and it's there tempting me the light is on in your window and I want to kiss. Want to kiss you.

[Tara]

Great. Darn.

[Pam]

No, no.

[Tara]

Freak.

[Pam]

Love it. Kiss the seat of your motorcycle. That's what happens when you're in Yellow Springs. I guess you don't know right from wrong anymore. You don't know butt from mouth. You're just like whatever. I gobble from the Yellow Springs eternal.

[Dave]

And I hot, sweet, spit out.

[Pam]

Yellow Springs is what they could have called Mountain Dew.

[Dave]

True. How many stories on the Internet are there about women making out with motorcycles? There's gotta be more than zero, right?

[Tara]

I feel like there has to be at least a TLC special about women who like to do that.

[Dave]

That's right. I fell in love with the Eiffel Tower. Then a motorcycle at the base of the Eiffel Tower. I fucked that seat something fierce.

[Tara]

Oh, yeah.

[Pam]

I feel like Chapel Roan would have a song about my kink is motorcycle seats.

[Tara]

Mm.

[Pam]

Well, I was like, I better click it. Because it's called double fisting. Because it's called double fisting. Two king and queen motorcycle seats.

[Dave]

Uh huh.

[Tara]

I have ruined my algorithm.

[Pam]

But it's custom seat work at Atomic Cycle Works. He's double fisting his seat work. That's all Dari wanted to do.

[Dave]

If you think about it, there's a man, there's a motorcycle guy who knows how SEO works.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

Putting my penis in the tailpipe. Penis stands for. It's like an acronym for some weird motorcycle.

[Pam]

Today we're cleaning a chain.

[Dave]

All right, top four really satisfying things, according to Jessica L. Merchant. Number one, peeking off a scab and it not hurting. True. Number two, the clicking sound when junk goes up. The vacuum. Also true. Three, finding out you made a good impression on someone when you weren't really trying to. Four, not staining the seats on your heaviest day.

[Tara]

The sheets. Not the sheets.

[Dave]

Sheets.

[Tara]

Sheets.

[Dave]

Sheets. Not staining the sheets on your heaviest day. So, like, when you were at your fattest and you were sweating a lot. That's what she means, right?

[Pam]

No, Dave, that's fine.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

A heavy day when you just did your laundry.

[Dave]

I think Heavy Day would be a Tori Amos song.

[Tara]

Yes. Every day is a heavy day when you're Tori Amos, though.

[Pam]

Every day. Every day.

[Dave]

But wait.

[Pam]

Every day. Heavy day. Heavy. Hey, that's. I've got a remake.

[Dave]

Every day is a heavy day when your. Taurus. Taurus. When you're Tori Amos as sung by. Who would sing that song?

[Pam]

Every day is a heavy day when you're Tori Amos. Is that they might be giants.

[Dave]

Yeah, I think it is.

[Tara]

Thanks.

[Pam]

That's what they sound like.

[Dave]

Tara's favorite band ever. They May Be Giants.

[Pam]

Tara's favorite band ever.

[Dave]

All right, let's hit it, Tara. Let's hear it. I'll start you off. Yeah.

[Tara]

My head is emptying of the Michael Giant. Every day is a heavy day when you're tarry. Famous day. There you go.

[Dave]

Next time, next time, next time, next time. We are not editing this podcast ever again.

[Pam]

There's some. Some episodes of People Are like, I'm gonna listen to your podcast. Go back through read.

[Tara]

Don't just dive in. Next time, next time, we will be delving into the pop culture topics of the August 1991 issue. A report from Tori Spelling's birthday. The read it column premieres. Nerd and cover boys, Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter get interviewed. All of that in mind, more for my plug. This week we are talking about an episode of the Facts of Life from 1988 on the again with this Patreon that will be up February 6th. That's a Friday. Go to again with this podcast.com campaign to join that patreon and hear everything we have to say about Doug Savant, future Melrose Play star, appearing along with the girls and Cloris Leachman at a ski chalet. And guess who else is in that episode. Mack. Mack. Mack McKenzie.

[Dave]

Mack McKenzie. Neat.

[Pam]

Thank you for all of your collective action, I'm assuming, and joining your nationwide strike and. And all that you've done to be loud and disruptive. If you'd like to give back and you don't know about National Day Labor. National Day labor organisations.

[Tara]

Mmm.

[Pam]

It's harder to say both ways, by the way. National Day Labor Organizing Network. You know what?

[Dave]

They can spend some time organizing a new name.

[Pam]

It's so hard. National Day labor organizing network, or N-L-O-N.org is the place to go to help the front lines of stopping terrorism in our country. Please.

[Dave]

That's accurate.

[Pam]

Please go there and do some good.

[Tara]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Dave]

Pam got on the mic for the first time just at the end of the podcast. That's what you heard right there.

[Pam]

I don't know what you mean. I was too high.

[Dave]

No, you were just like, for the first time in the podcast, close enough that your sound sounded right. I'm not judging Pam.

[Pam]

I'm just saying I'm always assuming I'm too much. So I. I retweet.

[Dave]

Well, the thing is, you go far back now. You don't get the proximity effect.

[Pam]

I hear that.

[Dave]

This is the outro still, guys, I just want to say in the outro here we didn't have a bummer feature this week, so that's something.

[Tara]

Well, the polygamists of polygamists. That's some child.

[Pam]

Some child marriage.

[Dave]

That's not a bummer feature. It's only 10 people.

[Tara]

Plus they're 70 kids.

[Dave]

Speaking about only 10 people, our supporters, thank you very much for your continued support. We haven't had a new person come in. I'm going to guess five months. So I don't know why I bothered with this kind of stuff, but here we are. You can support the podcast, get that PDF, get a whole bunch of stuff, access to our discord, a free sampling of one of Pam's many pills. You can go to our Club Listen to sassy.comclub to join. Five bucks a month help keep the lights on here at Listen to Sassy H Q and A and and, and, and, and, and, and oh no days Cotton Loop and and, and you can support us for free rate and review us on the podcast app of your choice. Five stars minimum. 200 max.

[Pam]

Hey, you can call us at 7:20 Sassy. Go leave us a voicemail about the show or the magazine. Or maybe you have some theme songs you'd like to suggest. We're open to your artistic merits. Yes, we might play it on a future. We will definitely. What are we even talking about?

[Dave]

I'm saying out there, if somebody could do a theme for listen to SaaS software as a service, we could. If that happens, we will do an episode about software as a service.

[Pam]

Oh no, no. That is not a binding promise. You can find more information.

[Dave]

Uber driver cut me off.

[Tara]

The guy to be a guest instead of you, Pam.

[Pam]

Oh, what? Did I just get fired? Contact info for all of us. Oh yeah, that's it. Maybe you. I bet Tar and Dave would love a near stranger sitting in on the podcast next time. What could go wrong? Speaking of that, we'll be taking the August 1991 quiz in a couple of weeks, but you can take it now because we put it up online at listen to sassy.com go find out how health conscious.

[Tara]

How health conscious are you and then.

[Pam]

You can call the hotline to leave us a voicemail about how it went. I mean, I feel like I'm just saying this over and over again. Anyway, thank you so much for listening. I'm going to go edit my section of the closing because I think I just keep repeating myself. So I'll say it again. We love you. Thank you so much for listening.

[Tara]

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[Pam]

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[Pam]

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