February 1991 Fashion Etc.: Flowers, Hearts & The Candyman

Summary

Podcast Summary: Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s – February 1991 Fashion Etc.: Flowers, Hearts & The Candyman

Release Date: April 8, 2025
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole

---

Introduction

In this episode of "Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s," hosts Tara Ariano and David T. Cole take listeners on a nostalgic journey back to the February 1991 issue of Sassy magazine. Celebrating the vibrant fashion and cultural trends of the early '90s, Tara and Dave delve into the magazine's highlights, including cover features, fashion spreads, hair coloring trends, and memorable advertisements. Throughout the episode, their engaging banter and humorous commentary bring the era to life for both longtime fans and newcomers alike.

---

Cover Feature: Miana on the Cover

The episode kicks off with a discussion about the magazine's cover model, Miana. Tara and Dave describe her iconic look, emphasizing her dark curly hair adorned with daisies and the bold "FLOWERS" headline in Impact font.

• Tara (04:08):

  "She's got dark curly hair. She's got a bunch of daisies in it. Says flowers in all caps, very aggressively."

• Dave (04:14):

  "Of course, this is the only cover that she ever did, which is crazy because she's so sassy looking and so cute... she is still a teenager."

They humorously critique the design choices, including the choice of font and the timeless yet dated aesthetic.

---

Fresh Cuts: Florals for Spring

Tara and Dave transition to the "Fresh Cuts" floral fashion spread, critiquing the season's floral prints and the styling choices.

• Dave (06:09):

  "It's a weird fucking place."

They comment on the lack of vibrancy and seasonal appropriateness in the photos, noting the autumnal color palette despite being a spring feature.

• Tara (09:50):

  "All that hell's best mayo. She's eating."

Their playful jabs highlight the sometimes questionable fashion trends showcased in the magazine.

---

Worn to Work: Sassy Retail Report

The hosts explore the "Worn to Work" section, which previews prom fashion for 1991. They mock the listed retail partners and the stylistic choices of the showcased outfits.

• Dave (13:48):

  "They're getting us prepared for what's hot for Prom 91."

• Tara (36:32):

  "Don't say the names of them."

Their teasing of store names like Urban Outfitters, Esprit, Benetton, and Merry Go Round underscores the evolving retail landscape of the early '90s.

---

Valentine’s Day Feature: Hearts Theme

With Valentine's Day approaching, Tara and Dave discuss the magazine's heart-themed fashion and accessory suggestions. They humorously critique the overly dramatic and sometimes nonsensical designs.

• Dave (17:45):

  "Any one of these by itself, other than the glasses, I think is fine."

• Tara (25:20):

  "Top front goodies and whack are two things I would like to bring back so far from this episode."

Their lighthearted conversation sheds light on the playful and sometimes quirky Valentine's Day trends of the time.

---

Fear Free Hair Coloring

A significant segment of the episode is dedicated to the February 1991 hair coloring trends featured in Sassy magazine. The hosts dissect the "Fear Free" hair coloring options, discussing the variety of colors and the practicality (or lack thereof) of maintaining such styles.

• Dave (21:03):

  "It's a real ripoff for people with the dark hair that you can't use temporary hair coloring to do anything you want."

• Tara (22:10):

  "Platinum blonde... it has a contrast between my hair and my skin."

They provide personal anecdotes and humorously critique the maintenance challenges posed by the era's hair dye products.

---

Advertisements and Parodies

Tara and Dave transition into a playful critique of the magazine's advertisements, employing satire to highlight the often bizarre and unrealistic products advertised to young readers.

1. "Get the Gel Out of Here" (Page 25:12):

   • Dave (38:39):

     "Get the gel out of here. Ooh, racy."

   They mock the ad's cheesy tagline and the overly styled model, drawing parallels to contemporary pop culture references.

2. Candyman Ad (Page 87):

   • Tara (43:17):

     "Our first ad extravaganza... the Candyman."

   The hosts humorously analyze the surreal imagery and questionable design choices, reflecting on the ad's attempt to blend humor with product promotion.

3. Equestrian Ads: Alleghety Riding Camp:

   • Dave (45:32):

     "This one's for all the horse girls out there."

   They satirize the overly descriptive and generic nature of the ad, poking fun at the lack of unique selling points.

Throughout these segments, Tara and Dave employ witty commentary and exaggerated humor to highlight the eccentricities of early '90s advertising aimed at Gen-X teens.

---

Diary Feature: Jane on "To Tell the Truth"

The episode features a segment on Jane Pratt's diary entry about her appearance on the TV game show "To Tell the Truth." Tara and Dave recount Jane's experience, detailing the panelists and the show's relevance to promoting Sassy magazine.

• Dave (47:28):

  "The panel... Kitty Carlisle Hart, Vicki Lawrence... David Niven Jr."

They share anecdotes about the filming and the challenges of asserting her identity amidst other contestants, adding a personal touch to the episode.

---

Feature Article: Karen’s Scam Products

Tara and Dave delve into a satirical article about "Karen," who promotes dubious beauty products. They dissect the exaggerated claims and the humorous outcome of Karen's attempts to showcase these ineffective products.

• Tara (56:10):

  "Is the building still there where they had this P.O. box?"

• Dave (56:43):

  "A naming mistake... 'Have that Beautiful dark tan without risking sun cancer.'"

Their playful critique underscores the magazine's mission to educate young readers about the pitfalls of unrealistic beauty standards and scam products.

---

Conclusion and Teasers for Next Episode

As the episode wraps up, Tara and Dave tease the next installment, which will focus on a February 1991 slumber party episode featuring Pam. They encourage listeners to engage with the podcast by submitting voicemails and participating in quizzes.

• Tara (59:23):

  "Next time, it's the February 1991 slumber party episode and Pam is, as they say, scheduled to appear."

They also hint at future content, including a review of "The Connors," the sequel to the hit show "Roseanne," available in the show notes.

---

Notable Quotes

• Tara (00:30):

  "It's February 1992. Claudia Schiffer is on the Cover of Vogue."

• Dave (03:02):

  "Shall we get into this issue?"

• Tara (05:35):

  "This is already going so much faster than when Pam's here."

• Dave (16:21):

  "But there is that other one that made those microfiber pants that I got for you."

• Tara (25:20):

  "Top front goodies and whack are two things I would like to bring back so far from this episode."

---

Conclusion

This episode of "Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s" offers a rich, entertaining exploration of the February 1991 issue of Sassy magazine. Through their insightful and humorous commentary, Tara Ariano and David T. Cole provide listeners with a vivid snapshot of early '90s fashion, beauty trends, and the quirky advertising landscape that defined a generation. Whether revisiting cherished memories or discovering forgotten trends, listeners are sure to find the episode both informative and delightfully engaging.

Transcript

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[Dave]

Earrings, her scarf, but my mother's tampon.

[Tara]

No way. It is February 1992. Claudia Schiffer is on the COVID of Vogue. Yasmin Labonde is girls on filming LY while the likes of you are being asked to cover up around Penn Station with overcoats to avoid assault by the still at large. Dartman. No.

[Dave]

Oh my God.

[Tara]

That is an important note because you haven't seen anything about Dartman on the local news or stapled the telephone poles. So while you have no idea where you actually are, you feel safe ruling out New York City. You went to the grocery store where the mayonnaise brand they sell is hell's best and they call drinks like Coke and Sprite sody op. They don't wear sneakers here, nor tennis shoes or gym shoes here. Just dress downers. You couldn't buy a lollipop or sucker until you figured out they call them ball licks here. It's a weird fucking place. Sprinkles? No. Jimmy's? No. Not even. Hundreds and thousands. No. Here they are called ice cream bugs and you hate it. Sub hero or hoagie?

[Dave]

Nope.

[Tara]

It's called a layered meal here. Gah. Gravy or sauce? No, it's magoo, as in meat goo. It's enough to drive you to drink. But not to the liquor store, nor the party store, Paki or state store. No. Here you go to the inebriated. You're exhausted. Time to try to relax with your tether to the real world. Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy.

[Dave]

Oh, stranger and stranger. What a place. Where are you and why?

[Tara]

Weirdest place this diarist has lived in.

[Dave]

It really is. How long will she stay there? Who's to say? Will she ever figure it out?

[Tara]

Stay tuned.

[Dave]

It's just the two of us today. Yeah, Pam is not here. She is on assignment. I'm not sure if she's saying what she's doing, but she's keeping her very busy.

[Tara]

She's recovering from a over the counter.

[Dave]

Medication overdose that's not true. Don't. Don't worry. The listeners she is assigned.

[Tara]

This woman's over tinctured.

[Dave]

As far as we know, she's in. She's in good health. But she's not here.

[Tara]

Should your eyes be orange. And other questions answered by Pam.

[Dave]

We look forward to welcoming her back soon, but in her absence. We forgot to talk about it last time. We got new merch.

[Tara]

Oh, that's right. So you know Pam, her primary mission on this podcast is to dox people.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Take them out of their comfort of their hometown and their quiet lives and throw them into the maelstrom that is doxxing.

[Dave]

Sure.

[Tara]

So we now have the dox hound, which is a dachshund who knows where you live and has a crazed look on his face. So you can buy our official Saxy dachshund merchandise. There's shirts, there's tote bags, maybe a drink tumbler.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah, there's a mug.

[Tara]

There's a whole bunch of stuff that you can buy. So go to our store. The link is on our website, listentosassy.com and support us by buying something there. If you like the dog sound, which you should, because he's adorable, but he's also a menace, just like Pam.

[Dave]

Shall we get into this issue?

[Tara]

I think we should.

[Dave]

Our cover model is Miana. The Toyota Miana, of course.

[Tara]

No, I was gonna say the recently sequelized Pol Albanesian epic.

[Dave]

Both of those work. We're not talking about Pam, Dave. Don't bring up Moana. The photographer is Stephen Miller. Some call him the space Cowboy. Of course, this is the only cover that she ever did, which is crazy because she's so sassy looking and so cute. She's got dark curly hair. She's got a bunch of daisies in it. Says flowers in all caps, very aggressively. It's in the 1991 version of Impact font, letting us know spring is coming. Prepare.

[Tara]

That's Futura condensed.

[Dave]

Oh, thank you.

[Tara]

You know, your favorite Wes Anderson font that uses in all his movies is a condensed version of that, which is a garbage font. You just go regular Futura. You don't go at all.

[Dave]

Don't tell me, tell Neil that crumbum. Anyway, she's been modeling since she was a teenager. She still is a teenager. She's cute. Don't know what she's doing now.

[Tara]

She's still good for her.

[Dave]

In our day, she is still somehow.

[Tara]

All that hell's best mayo. She's eating.

[Dave]

Exactly. She's. She's between space and time and Therefore has not aged. And we celebrate that their gift was knowledge. Exactly. So that's the COVID Fashion feature number one.

[Tara]

This is already going so much faster than when Pam's here. Already so much smoother with less interruptions and diversions. So I'm just saying, you know, Pam has to work a couple extra weeks on her project. What would be the worst thing for my timetable?

[Dave]

Don't say that. Pam. We missed you terribly. Come back soon. We're only teasing. We're just funning. We are also. Guess what? We're not. We're not reading every word of the ads either.

[Tara]

Uh oh. Grandma rib is in the car reading all the road signs on our trip speed limit. What do you. Wow.

[Dave]

Fashion feature number one pays off that flowers on the COVID It is called Fresh Cuts florals for spring. Groundbreaking. Our model is Jackie. Our photographer is Stephen White. No one calls him the space cowboy. And this is just a larger than usual 8 page fashion spread about floral looks. The season's floral prints do everything but smell good. Here's a selection of the best, so you can take your pick. It leads off with a very ill fitting. I was gonna say the straps are. You can see daylight through them.

[Tara]

They're gapping so much, it's like she's wearing a purse. Kind of.

[Dave]

Yes, yes.

[Tara]

As a dress. Some sort of giant long purse dress scenario. Yeah, that was the first thing I noticed too. And that was the best photo they had to lead this off with.

[Dave]

Right. Usually. I mean, unless that's a style choice. And it's like it's supposed to be oversized, but still you would expect the straps to like lie flush. Even if the rest of it is big, which it's not particular. If you've ever seen a movie or a TV show about a fashion shoot. You know, they have those big clips. Like the, like, what photographer. You know what photographers have for like backdrops and stuff.

[Tara]

Mm. It's what Homer puts on his back.

[Dave]

Exactly.

[Tara]

Keep all the flesh from peering on his front. But you can see in this photo, like not only the straps, but I don't know what to call it. But let's just call it the bucket of the dress top. You know, where the actual dress starts and the straps end the bodice. Okay, thank you.

[Dave]

The bucket.

[Tara]

I don't know anything about fashion.

[Dave]

I know.

[Tara]

Why would I have to know that?

[Dave]

You wouldn't.

[Tara]

I mean, frankly, I'm a little insulted that.

[Dave]

Well, I don't know if you ever had to read a 19th century novel. 19th century novel in English class.

[Tara]

I haven't but good note.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Tara]

The bodice, you can fit a tennis ball in the gap that's in the top of the bodice there easily. And I'm not exaggerating, you could probably go up to a grapefruit.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Which means that when she's actually walking around, like, there's a lot of chance you're going to see all her top front goodies.

[Dave]

Yeah, she is. She is not protected from the elements in this look. And I checked to see the description. It just calls it a denim dress. So it's not even like it's a. You know, you'd think they would put something in the blurb, like oversized jumper.

[Tara]

Right. Even more so if it's denim because then it doesn't have a lot of flexibility. So those gaps are going to be even more pronounced and unclosable.

[Dave]

Right.

[Tara]

So once again, her top front goodies are in danger.

[Dave]

It's true. Can we.

[Tara]

Can we just start calling them top front goodies from now on on the podcast? Because I really enjoy saying that. She's got a good pair of top front goodies. You would say.

[Dave]

Sure.

[Tara]

Capital top front goodies.

[Dave]

I mean, you. You are the person who coined the term wonderfulness when you didn't like a certain term for the female anatomy that was in slang use. So, yeah, top front goodies is more. I'm going to say more ribald than wonderfulness. Anyway, moving on.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Page 41. Lime green, rayon dress. Three words you never want to read in a row. Lime and green and rayon.

[Tara]

Cotton eyed Jo.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

By Filippo Torti. Filippo Dorti is back. It is a mechanizing dress for the beautiful palace.

[Dave]

That's the other page. But yes, this one is just by Manon Ecut, worn with a hat from J. Crew. She's not actually wearing it. She's holding it. But the problem with a lot of these looks is they just look cheap. There's especially the sunflower stuff. I don't know if it's just because I OD'd on sunflower when as a print in this era.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Because it was everywhere for a hot second there. Including on Jane, I believe, in the shiny happy people video that she was in. This is not so cute to me. And it also. I don't know why. If it's a spring fashion story. All of the colors are so autumnal.

[Tara]

Everything in this photo is dead. Nothing has come back to life yet. Because this is February. So this is.

[Dave]

So they shot it in October.

[Tara]

They probably shot it. Yeah. In November or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, this is probably a very cold shoot. You could tell because some of the photos, they're in a cornfield and the corn has.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

Completely devoid of life. It's Halloween. Corn.

[Dave]

Yeah. Just out of frame. There's like a, you know, a truck going by with a. With a hayride that people are enjoying on their way to the pumpkin patch.

[Tara]

Yep. Zodiac killer somewhere in there, too. It's got the whole vibe going on.

[Dave]

Bless him. Yeah, the last page does good work. The last page has a pair of jeans that have, like, flower not appliques on them. They're just like as if a flower was on a barrette or something. And they're sewed all over these jeans. And you can tell they must look crazy when she's standing because she is hugging her knees, trying to make them disappear. The rest of the look fine tank top and a sheer top.

[Tara]

Okay. Yeah. I was gonna ask what's going on there? That's two different pieces.

[Dave]

Yes. It's a tank top with a blouse.

[Tara]

Over it because her blouse is down below her shoulder. So it looks like some sort of weird. The demolition man version of leisure wear. You know what I mean? It feels like it's supposed to be one piece, but it's the future, a lady. Like how Star Trek does future costumes, which is like Islam.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah. But you can see on these flowers, like, how much space is around that. They're quite large.

[Tara]

How would you wash a pair of pants like this?

[Dave]

I don't know.

[Tara]

Like, those would come out in the wash. Right? You'd have to hand wash this.

[Dave]

Yeah, probably. I guess you. Yeah, you probably would. Or they would come off. Yeah, you're right.

[Tara]

It's going to have some stank on them.

[Dave]

Yeah. When I read the description, I was waiting for it to say, like, jeans with flower pins all over them.

[Tara]

Right.

[Dave]

But that's. That's all one. That's all one thing.

[Tara]

Well, the other part of the problem is the flowers are sufficiently random until the last two, which are equidistant from the bottom of each pant leg. And. And it makes it look weird to me.

[Dave]

Too symmetrical.

[Tara]

It's too symmetrical, yeah.

[Dave]

Also, there are $140 in 1991 money.

[Tara]

That's a lot of money for really ugly pair of jeans.

[Dave]

I mean, I'll just. I'll dox myself. I don't pay that much money for jeans today.

[Tara]

I can't remember the last time I wore jeans, frankly. Well, ever since you started buying those, like, comfy brown Banana Republic or whatever they are, sort of not quite sweat. They're not sweatpants, but they're like leisure pants. I don't even know what you call them.

[Dave]

They're called waffle joggers.

[Tara]

I love waffle joggers. I love waffles.

[Dave]

Yep.

[Tara]

But not jogging.

[Dave]

Yeah. And you should treasure them because I went to look for new ones for you this year and they don't make them anymore. So sad. Be careful. Okay, but there is that other one that made those microfiber pants that I got for you. They're still around as far as I know. Public. Public rec, I think they're called.

[Tara]

They're okay.

[Dave]

And they make jeans that are like very stretchy.

[Tara]

Maybe you can put some flowers on.

[Dave]

We got eight pages of fresh cuts, which is I guess why we're only getting four pages of worn to work. And this is sort of a variation on what they like to do periodically where it's like stuff from catalogs. This is stuff from stores at the mall. And they have their models who are Emily Free, Carol and Mary going to various stores. They are at Urban Outfitters, they're at Esprit, they're at Benetton, and they're at Merry Go Round. And like shout out to whoever wrote this story because those are the four top stores that you would want to. That you would want to fuck with.

[Tara]

1991, Mount Rushmore of early 90s clothes stores that you would want to give your business to.

[Dave]

Yep, 100%. The only other one I can think of is maybe like not American Eagle. What's the other one? Not Aeropostale. Abercrombie. Abercrombie and Fitch was about they around then. Yeah. Yeah.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Dave]

I think so. I definitely shot there in the 90s. Maybe not the early, early 90s, but. But yeah, the, the Urban Outfitters. It's hilarious how this, this shot of just two girls in baby doll dresses on a ladder in front of an exposed brick walls. Like that could have been taken three hours ago at the Urban Outfitters store downtown in Austin. Like everything about it is carbon dated, yet also timeless in a weird way I can't quite explain. Yeah, the Esprit girls look extremely preppy.

[Tara]

I don't like these hats.

[Dave]

No, I don't either. They look more like Banana Republic to me in like this head to toe white situation.

[Tara]

And the one in the last Ralph Lauren, I cannot tell what age she is. Yeah, it's the smile. It's too big.

[Dave]

She kind of looks like Philippa sue from Dr. Odyssey a little bit kinda. Then we got the girls from Benetton. And they are my jam. One is in a stripy sweater. That's when I stopped paying, caring about anything else in this whole story. You know, I love a stripey sweater. Or a stripey anything, honestly.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And then the last page is our two girls at Merry Go Round. On the rack they're sitting on is the classic David Putty Magic 8 Ball. All signs point to yes. Leather jacket. It's really. Speaking of carbon dating it. Wow.

[Tara]

Did you, did you find a price tag for that? How much those cost then? How much would a Magic 8 Ball jacket cost you?

[Dave]

That's a good question.

[Tara]

And when would that have been on Seinfeld?

[Dave]

Later than this?

[Tara]

Oh, yeah. Okay, good.

[Dave]

But not much.

[Tara]

No.

[Dave]

All right, let's see.

[Tara]

But on Seinfeld, they weren't trying to be like ironically out of date retro with it or anything like that. Like it was still.

[Dave]

Well, I mean, it was out of style, but just because it was dorky.

[Tara]

Right.

[Dave]

Like this. This would have been. Yeah, I have. I can't. I don't know how much it would have cost then. Oh my God. Guess how much they're selling for now.

[Tara]

Oh, God.

[Dave]

There's one for. There's like a real vintage looking one on eBay. $750. $2,149 for a pre owned Magic 8 ball jacket.

[Tara]

Fantastic. Good on you people that bought those and now living large on the land.

[Dave]

Yep, we'll. We'll link it in the show notes in case you want to really splash out this fall. I don't know. Want to buy it now and then. Look forward to it.

[Tara]

Outlook unlikely.

[Dave]

It's only $2,144 with a coupon code Dave. So perfect get two merry go round is described in this blurb as the store everyone wants to work at. And I'm sure that's true. But that did not save it from bankruptcy. Five years after this story came out to the month in fact, they filed when they still had 500 stores in the U.S. rIP Mario go round. They couldn't make it work. Was it because all those teenagers were stealing from the till? Who's to say what next? You can never argue with a heart attack. It's February, which means Valentine's Day. And the theme of what next is hearts. If he's the type to forget little things like his name or Valentine's Day, here are some less than subtle reminders you can wear. And if you're dating a girl who shows up to meet you at this or that wearing Valentine's Day sunglasses that say to my Valentine across the lens. Through which both lenses.

[Tara]

Yeah, not on the lenses, but actual. An applique.

[Dave]

Correct.

[Tara]

Like a signature necklace sort of applique over the glasses in which you have to look through just one of nine red flags on this page.

[Dave]

I mean, you know, I mean, you could take these.

[Tara]

Some out of. Some of these out of context and they're fine.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

But as a whole, this is giving me, you know, who's the. The love starved cartoon. No, the, you know, from. From Roger Rabbit. You know, a man. That one like Hyena Helena or something like that.

[Dave]

Right. I was thinking of. I was thinking of the ex girlfriend from Wayne's World, played by Lara Flimfoil.

[Tara]

Stacy, a psycho hose beast.

[Dave]

Exactly. Any. Any one of these by itself, other than the glasses, I think is fine. Come on. Maybe not the union suit plus the tights.

[Tara]

Not the really ornate Dynasty era perfume bottle.

[Dave]

No, that's in the. You're talking about the one top, right? Yeah, yeah. No, not that. But also I wanted to.

[Tara]

Oh, there's two. I didn't notice that there's another one which looks like the COVID of a Smashing Pumpkin. So.

[Dave]

Thank you. This is Love Potion by Island Magic. So I'm going to guess this is a product. Try to describe it at your. At your local cvs. It is. The bottle is whatever. The top has a pewter, I'm going to guess, or faux pewter, perhaps. Sun and moon, who are friends, by the way. They're arranged.

[Tara]

They're cuddling.

[Dave]

They're cuddling. And then there's like a dangling star on, you know, I assume the lid. I assume you pull that whole thing off and then there's this atomizer underneath.

[Tara]

But there's also like some sort of hieroglyph adjacent writing along the cap as well.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah. Oh, that just says Love Potion, I think.

[Tara]

Oh, does it?

[Dave]

I think that's just.

[Tara]

Oh, okay. Got it.

[Dave]

The sun and moon. I'm going to guess this is like around the start of the blue glass, yellow sun and moon design era because they were everywhere for most of the middle of the 90s.

[Tara]

What is that blue glass? What are you talking about? Exactly?

[Dave]

When you, like you would get a mug that was like blue glass with a sun and a moon.

[Tara]

Got it.

[Dave]

Or you know, it was a wall hanging or you had it on your socks or like it was just. It was just a very ubiquitous design trend.

[Tara]

So that would eventually give way to the sort of normalized, minimalist version which would become like the star shirt in An REM video kind of thing. Right. Because this is like, this is the ornate version of that. We're in the art nouveau era, and then eventually we get down to the pop art version of it a couple years later.

[Dave]

Yep. Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day two months ago, Dave.

[Tara]

Oh, yes. And to you.

[Dave]

Just one beauty feature this month. It's called Fear Free hair coloring. And our model is the adorable Chandra. We have seen her before with her bob, looking cute, has a very vintage style face. The way they style her is usually kind of 60s themed, I would. I would say. Yeah, 60s inspired. Not much to say about the story, really. It's just like what you need to know about all the different kinds of hair dye that you can use. Mostly they seem to be emphasizing these ones will make your hair lighter and these ones won't. And most of them won't.

[Tara]

It's a real ripoff for people with the dark hair that you can't use temporary hair coloring to do anything you want. Right. Because if you have blonde hair, very light hair. I mean, I suppose now, these days I could do it because I have a head of white hair. I could do anything now. Right. Basically because it's pre dyed mostly.

[Dave]

Yes. If we got pink. If we got pink hair, it'd be pretty pink. It would be bright pink for quite a while, probably, if you looked after it.

[Tara]

Yeah. But when you're, like, in the market for this for real, no can do.

[Dave]

No. And you know that from personal experience because you did more hair experimentation in the 90s than you do now. I would say I was bored.

[Tara]

I did it twice and I was like, this is too much work. I don't care. You know what? This is too much work. If I asked Tara to marry me and lock that situation up, we're done.

[Dave]

And you did.

[Tara]

And I did.

[Dave]

And it was done.

[Tara]

So there is a set of 12 pictures of the model wearing various shades going from what to black? What is the first one? Is that silver or is that.

[Dave]

No, that's like platinum.

[Tara]

Platinum blonde. Okay. It's hard to tell with the photos, but there's something about a white wig on a young person that does it for me. Yeah.

[Dave]

Well, it's a very hot style of about 10 years ago. Young people having silver hair.

[Tara]

Yeah. But the last row where it's like black. Black. It looks weird to me. Don't like it.

[Dave]

It's too black. I think she looks best in the brown one, the third row.

[Tara]

Yeah, I agree.

[Dave]

Anyway, it's, you know, they're all. They're all wigs so she could do whatever you want, whenever she feels like it. They let us know. Don't expect to your dyed hair to be this shiny. It's not going to the page. This page 62 with all, all 12 heads is exactly the kind of thing that I would rip out and put on my wall. It's the kind of thing you're looking for always in a magazine page. It's not an ad, it's all editorial. It doesn't have any text on it. It just is. It just looks cooler. Maybe the only thing I'm ever looking for. But I accept that I would never, never, never tear a page out of Sassy. Even back then I never would. So they tell you about the forever stuff, meaning die. They say how long it's supposed to last and they caution you about roots. And I guess when I dyed my hair red a couple years ago, I must not have taken very good care of it because I don't remember roots really coming through. I think it just faded and then it was brown.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Then they also talk about highlights.

[Tara]

So there's something in that one. There's a little like asides. They do.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Highlighting products will not make your hair darker. That would be called high darkening.

[Dave]

Right. This was before they had low lights.

[Tara]

I was going to say isn't that called low lights?

[Dave]

Yes, it is. I mean, but I guess it wasn't a thing then.

[Tara]

No, the low. I mean assuming highlights comes from like a cinematographer esque background which that's all commingled these disciplines. Right?

[Dave]

Sure.

[Tara]

Then we had low lights forever. Like low light photography is a thing.

[Dave]

Yeah, No, I know, but I mean as a hair treatment, this maybe this wasn't something people were doing.

[Tara]

Oh, see, just the getting darker color.

[Dave]

As a hair. As a hair.

[Tara]

Okay. But I know that said high darkening sounds like something like from one of those book series that's like we really wanted to be like it's Harry Potter meets the Maze Runner, but you know. And then of course the Shadow soldiers, you know, practice high darkening. Their magic weaponry. It really just has this very YA fantasy feel to it.

[Dave]

It's called Romantasy. Romantasy, I'm sorry to tell you. And yes, it's very eve of the high darkening with you know, a book cover with some again, pewter, perhaps the sun and moon.

[Tara]

When the blue sky gives away to the yellow moon. We are in the period of the high darkening.

[Dave]

That's right. So they give you advice on how to do this yourself. You know, we've all seen the Pictures. You get the cap, you pull little strands of hair through, and that's what you highlight and stuff. If you've done this yourself, please call in and tell us how it went, because I would be way too scared that it would look whack. Uh, and I'm also going to put. Put a picture, a link out to what I think is the ultimate subtle slash, unsubtle, depending on the light highlight effect, which is mid run Rachel on Friends. And if you don't think you can do it so it looks that good, don't do it is my advice.

[Tara]

Top front goodies and whack are two things I would like to bring back so far from this episode. Whack is great.

[Dave]

I hope my top front goodies don't look too whack today. Yeah, one might say they also talk about Hannah. It's under veggie action. I never. They say it would last.

[Tara]

Veggie action. Action. Action. Use Hannah. Hannah. Hannah lasts for a long time. Longer than you thought.

[Dave]

Exactly. They say it fades gradually over six to eight months. I would have thought six to six weeks. I would have probably thought four to six weeks. So I'm shocked. And it lasts that long.

[Tara]

The stuff you put on your skin, the same stuff you put it in your hair, is it identical goo?

[Dave]

I can't answer that.

[Tara]

But, like, if you got a hand tattoo, like a Hannah tattoo, would it last four months?

[Dave]

Oh, no, I'm sure it washes off your skin faster than it washes out of your hair.

[Tara]

Oh, that makes sense.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Skin is different than hair, is what you're saying.

[Dave]

Well, there's that and you're, you know.

[Tara]

What if our hair strands were just skin? How fucking creepy would that feel?

[Dave]

Yeah. But anyway. Yes, you're, you know, you wash your hands more often than you wash your hair normally. So anyway, hair dye is the land of.

[Tara]

What color would you dye my hair.

[Dave]

If you could, if you wanted to do something fun with it now?

[Tara]

No, I'm saying what color would you like? I have no input on this. You are master of Dave's hair. What color are you dying it?

[Dave]

I mean, I gotta be honest, I. I like the silver. I think it looks really pretty good.

[Tara]

Right.

[Dave]

It's, it's, it's come in very nice.

[Tara]

Especially in Austin when I walk around and I have, like, the deepest tan, which is not super tanned.

[Dave]

No.

[Tara]

Because, you know, I try not to burn myself, but there is a contrast between my hair and my skin, and it makes my hair look probably a little bit whiter than it Actually is. Yeah. It's not bad.

[Dave]

Yeah, no, it's good. You're. You're in your John Slattery era.

[Tara]

Yeah. It contrasts nicely with the two gray hairs that you have developed in your 50s so far.

[Dave]

Yep. What if you found out I was secretly dyeing my hair? Like I was that vain about it. And I like went to, I don't.

[Tara]

Think you're that neat in the house. Like you. I don't say. You're not saying you're messy, but I don't think you're that careful.

[Dave]

No. If I went out and got it done and I was just like, oh, I, you know, I'm going to three movies or something.

[Tara]

Well, you do go out a lot and I don't know where you are because I don't go with you.

[Dave]

So like, okay, where do you think I.

[Tara]

Well, you do that thing on the weekend, you know, to try to save the universe.

[Dave]

Sure, that's true.

[Tara]

Maybe you're doing that, maybe you're not. You don't bring home any of those tacos. So I don't know. This could make no sense to anybody listening.

[Dave]

No, it's not.

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[Tara]

About face. Our first about face is, I thought it was a lead to a story, but it's not. It's not connected to anything and I don't understand it at all. So, Tara, get ready to answer. Why mascara Colon. Apply it with your mouth open.

[Dave]

Yeah, this is something that I think. I mean, this isn't the first time I had heard it, either reading it this time or the last time. I believe the theory is that when you open your mouth, your eyes open wider.

[Tara]

What if we did this? What if we just. Instead of going from A to B, we just went right to B and opened your eyes more? Think of all the time I've saved you.

[Dave]

But even if you do that, if you open your mouth, it opens even more. I don't know.

[Tara]

I don't think so. I was. I was looking at the zoom camera as we were doing. I mean, I can open my eyes as wide as I can with my mouth open or closed.

[Dave]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Tara]

I'm asking you this. Are mascara users generally stupid people?

[Dave]

I don't think that generally. Early they are.

[Tara]

It is time for sassy ads. Making money through ads. Our first one is on the inside cover. I don't even have a page number for you because it goes from COVID to inside cover to page two. So what is page one? Is page one the COVID or is page one the inside cover? Or somehow page one, both sides of the COVID They didn't really think of that one there. If it was up to me, the COVID would be page one.

[Dave]

I'm going to tell you something, Dave. I've been scanning an issue of Mad magazine today, and they count the COVID as page one.

[Tara]

I mean, it doesn't make sense when you compare it to a book, but the content starts on the COVID for a magazine, I'm going to say.

[Dave]

Right, yeah.

[Tara]

Well, on the inside cover, however, we're going to number that pagely.

[Dave]

I mean, I've numbered it page 0A and page 1.

[Tara]

We've got more twirl per curl. Say that fast.

[Dave]

More twirl per curl. The word jerk.

[Tara]

New gelling curls from the studio line from L'Oreal. And I don't really have anything to say about the product. I just want to say congratulations to Jason Siegel for booking the ad.

[Dave]

Oh, she does kind of look like Jason Siegel. You're not kidding. On page 19, we have an ad for candies. And later, in the 90s and 2000s, we would know Candies as the brand that would sell its shoes by having the slightly scandalous ladies of the day, your Alyssa Milanos, your Jenny McCarthy's. You know, you would shoot them, like sitting on the toilet or something, wearing the candy shoes.

[Tara]

Maxim style photos.

[Dave]

Exactly. This is before any of that. Come home to your heart. It says in the top left. I'm gonna just walk you through it.

[Tara]

Yeah, I'm just gonna give color commentary to some of these things. Come home to your heart is in a font that I usually just see in religious pamphlets.

[Dave]

Continue.

[Tara]

Oh, yes.

[Dave]

Mm. It's not papyrus, but it's papyrus adjacent.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

In the top left, we have two headless girls. They're sitting on a cliff. They're dangling their feet down. One of them is wearing candy's moccasins. The other is just wearing, presumably, candy socks.

[Tara]

But they are positioned one in front, one behind in a way that makes it look like this might be a spider lady. You really only see one torso and a couple sets of limbs.

[Dave]

Yep, that's right. And they're pointing at the. The clouds in the sky. The sky is yellow and the clouds are a T shirt and seems like shorts. Presumably also candies in the. On the right jutting out from the ground proudly.

[Tara]

You have to imagine this whole thing looks like. I forget what they call it. Monument Valley in Utah.

[Dave]

Yes, yes.

[Tara]

And they are on one of the monuments. But then, of course, these moccasins that you're about to discuss are the other Monument Rock.

[Dave]

They are, they are. They are monoliths coming out of the ground.

[Tara]

They're the three sister shoes.

[Dave]

They. They are.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

These sho. I don't know what this symbol is supposed to be. They're so ugly. They're like being. Because they're moccasins, unfortunately, they are like vaguely. Extremely vaguely indigenous. I'll say. Flavored.

[Tara]

Yeah. They are the kind of indigenous flavor stuff that you get at those gift shop every 82 miles on the highway between Texas and Arizona. You go in, it's like, yeah, we have moccasins. But also, while you're here, check out the full size Transformers Bumblebee robot in the back. Yes, it's exactly.

[Dave]

If you have driven to Santa Fe from any direction, you have seen something with something like this symbol on it. I mean, it's sort of vaguely bird like, but anyway, just go to look.

[Tara]

It's not a Thunderbird or anything like that.

[Dave]

No, no, no. But it's, it's, it's, it's very vague. And then most upsettingly of all in the bottom right corner. Larger than any other single element in this ad other than the cliff, is a little girl with the craziest crazy eyes you ever did see. I don't know what they showed her to make her make this face, but I'm upset about it and I hope she's okay today.

[Tara]

It does seem like they showed her a glimpse of her own future. Like it feels haunted in a way that seems extremely personal.

[Dave]

Yeah. Like she's got a little faint smile.

[Tara]

She's got a little bit of disaster girl to her.

[Dave]

Yes. Except I mean disaster girl was sort of like smirking with a half lidded eye. These eyes are open like just, just like 8 degrees too much.

[Tara]

Y.

[Dave]

It's upsetting.

[Tara]

It is weirdest ad we've had in a while. I do enjoy it.

[Dave]

Yes, I do too.

[Tara]

Terrible ad, but great for us.

[Dave]

It. It is. It's very like throwing, just throwing things at the wall and then turning it in because you ran out of time. Like, what if we did this? And this. What if we did everything? It's due in three hours. Yeah.

[Tara]

But the design sense of like the sort of a photographic clip art collage design sense is like, is coming. Like there's going to be a lot more of this for decade.

[Dave]

Yeah. I mean we've already seen a little bit of this with like the canteen ads and stuff where they're, you know, there's girls like just bopping in the sky and there's, you know, assorted things underneath.

[Tara]

Yeah. But this one is trying to like, this one is more Dallasqueous. I mean, undeservedly, that comparison. They don't deserve it. But that's the, that's the easiest shorthand.

[Dave]

I can come up with, if you, if you will. It's more sand Dally esque because they also make sandals.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

On page 25 we get the sassy retail report. They're. They're getting us prepared for what's hot for Prom 91. Of course, we all know the March issue is really the prom issue and that is coming. But this is just a little, A little tease. So they're telling us about their various retail partners and where.

[Tara]

Don't say the names of them.

[Dave]

Prom stuff.

[Tara]

Can you rank these from coolest sounding partner to least coolest sounding partner, please.

[Dave]

I mean, the reason that I flagged this page is because if you, if, if you've been hurt at work, you may be eligible for compensation. Contact Woodward and Lothrop, which is apparent, apparently.

[Tara]

A Hill story.

[Dave]

Yeah, Woody's as it's also known, I guess, does a twist on the prom with lots of short dresses, traditional dresses in pale colors with lace trim. Boy, are you going to be seeing that a lot in the March issue.

[Tara]

Has someone come in and taken over your cave? Were you injured by a mammoth called Woodward and lor throat?

[Dave]

Okay, so ranking. Ranking from uncoolest to coolest.

[Tara]

Well, no, it was really an exercise in ranking.

[Dave]

I see.

[Tara]

When we're in lore, throw. So we're good there.

[Dave]

Okay, great. Moving on. On page 29, we have an ad for Jermac, which for. For whatever reason and probably because of Victoria Principal, who endorsed Jermac for, like my entire childhood. Sure.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Dave]

I thought Jermac was a glamour brand like that you could only get at the salon.

[Tara]

Yeah. I'll be honest with you. Jermax sounds like something like. It sounds like a name for jerking off. So I didn't really have that cachet with me. I mean, sure, mostly because I didn't really hear the word Jermac. It didn't enter my brain until we started doing this podcast.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

So I don't have that baggage that you do. But yeah, it sounds like something dirty to me.

[Dave]

Also that it's jh, which that's not.

[Tara]

Well, that's what makes it special, I guess. You're just getting a hand job. You're getting a hand job.

[Dave]

Anyway, the headline of the ad, as it were, the tagline is, get the gel out of here. Ooh, racy. And then it's over the, you know, face and just sideways looking eyes and hair of the model, and she's got this big piled up, like Gibson girl, curly blonde. I mean, pile is. I can't improve on that. It's a pile of hair.

[Tara]

I would describe it as a hair meringue.

[Dave]

Sure. Is this supposed to be. This is bad. This is what you're supposed to be getting rid of.

[Tara]

Yeah, I was gonna say this. This is fine.

[Dave]

This looks cute.

[Tara]

This looks messy.

[Dave]

Cute. It's curly. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Intentionally messy. Yeah. I don't know what their problem is.

[Tara]

And the whole thing where she's like, you know, you just see her eyes and she's looking up this. Very cute.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Photography. They've airbrushed the white of her eyes to white hell. But they.

[Dave]

They did.

[Tara]

Such was the style.

[Dave]

It was the style at the time.

[Tara]

And you can get 50 off because this is a coupon. Coupon or coupon.

[Dave]

I say coupon.

[Tara]

Yeah. I grew up with coupon, but I try to remember is coupon. If you disagree. 720. Sassy. Go. Let's go. Coupon versus coupon. Where are you? Helzman or Best Mayo?

[Dave]

You know how you can tell it's Coupon? Because the company is Groupon. You know what I'm saying?

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

It's not. I can't even say it the other way. Groupon. All right, moving on.

[Tara]

I think I ate that once. Didn't agree with me.

[Dave]

Page 32 to 33. Big two page spread. Read this now. All right. Relax. This is all about free music.

[Tara]

Oh, God, the layout is so bad. On this.

[Dave]

I know. The sad Jesus Fire records cannot possibly live any familiar with tape. And on the other page, Festival of Amazing tunes. You longer without becoming intimately. I. You know, I know what they're doing, but they didn't quite nail it. So this is just. You can send in the card and they'll send you a free sampler of music from artists that are on people. The record label, sire.

[Tara]

Well, they're batting about 500 with things I actually know today. Ooh. I just checked the second page out. We're down to like 350 now.

[Dave]

They're. They're doing all right. There are artists on here that you.

[Tara]

All right. I'll read them off. You tell me if you know who they are in a meaningful way. Just not like I know the name, but I have their music and. Or, you know, I wouldn't be. Wouldn't be sad to have their music in my collection.

[Dave]

Sure.

[Tara]

Tommy Page.

[Dave]

Nope.

[Tara]

I think he's from mortal Kombat. Big God. 20.

[Dave]

No.

[Tara]

Danielle. Dax. Dax. I see. Of course.

[Dave]

Of course. Real plays. Tv. Love him.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

Replacements. Yes.

[Tara]

Book of Love. Sounds vaguely familiar, but I think that might be the song.

[Dave]

Exactly.

[Tara]

The.

[Dave]

Either song. There's a couple.

[Tara]

You know, these guys love Jermack. It's the Beat Masters. Featuring Merlin. Oh, yeah. Magical hand job from Merlin. Behold Royal Crescent Mob. That sounds like it's something from Peaky Blinders.

[Dave]

It does.

[Tara]

My whole body's a gun.

[Dave]

Yep.

[Tara]

Here at the Royal Crescent Mob. Sexpress.

[Dave]

No, but I do love that name. S Apostrophe Express.

[Tara]

Pretty good.

[Dave]

Express. Not bad.

[Tara]

And then, like, during the day, it's. You have to stop at every station. Primal Scream.

[Dave]

I've heard of them.

[Tara]

Okay. Are they like one of those metal bands where the logo, it looks like Tree Roots? Sounds like it, though, doesn't it?

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

Yeah. Like they're opening up for blood transfusion or something like that. Ride. Just simply Ride. Never heard. No, no. Echo and Bunnyman. Yes, of course. What's Their song again.

[Dave]

Pretty in Pink. Isn't that their name?

[Tara]

That's not the one I know. What's the one I know?

[Dave]

Echo and I have it in my Bunnyman.

[Tara]

I'll look it up. I got mine.

[Dave]

Greatest Hits. People Are Strange. Looks Like Sugar.

[Tara]

Nope.

[Dave]

Bring on the Dancing Horses.

[Tara]

I'm looking it up because I have exactly one song for them. I'm sure. The Killing Moon.

[Dave]

The Killing Moon. There it is.

[Tara]

The Killing Moon. Isn't that. I think that's a song from series. That movie. Series 7 or whatever it was.

[Dave]

Yeah, I think that's right.

[Tara]

Okay, moving on. Morrissey.

[Dave]

Of course we know Morrissey.

[Tara]

Depeche Mode. Sure.

[Dave]

Of course.

[Tara]

The Ocean Blue.

[Dave]

I've sailed it. But I don't know their albums. Betty Boo, Betty Boo Betty Boot is doing the do. Yeah, she was a one hit Wonder. She's a 90210 era.

[Tara]

All right. Former president John Wesley Harvey.

[Dave]

I've heard of him.

[Tara]

The Judy Bats.

[Dave]

Heard of them?

[Tara]

Are they not a band from the Flintstones? They could be both throwing muses.

[Dave]

Heard of them? You've heard of them too?

[Tara]

Finally, Paul Dukakis.

[Dave]

Paul Lakakis.

[Tara]

Remember when he wrote the Tank? What a goof.

[Dave]

Probably lost him in the election. Anyway, there is a full Discogs listing for this album. Somehow we'll link it in the show notes. And Joey Ramone did a promo for it. Even though I do not see the Ramones on this list.

[Tara]

Have the Rolling Stones killed.

[Dave]

Exactly. All right, then we're gonna flip to the back. All the way Back to page 87 where we got a quarter page fractional ad. We are still in the 1900 era. This is a 1900 $2 per minute to call the Candyman.

[Tara]

Who?

[Dave]

Why would I do that?

[Tara]

Wait, who?

[Dave]

I'm not gonna say it again. You cannot entrap me.

[Tara]

Okay, good. Good looking out, Beetlejuice. This is my favorite ad for a long time. This is great.

[Dave]

And here's why. Here's why you should call the Candyman. Even though if you don't know his music, his boots were made for knocking. I'm quite sure I've never heard any music from this artist.

[Tara]

Despite the fact he's today's hottest new rapper. I've never heard of Candyman outside of the. You know, the urban legend guy that you have to make sure you don't say his name too many times or he will stingy with bees or something like that.

[Dave]

Yeah, that's right.

[Tara]

He's made of bees.

[Dave]

Yeah, bees are involved.

[Tara]

Great. And also the photography Is great because I don't know exactly what's going on. But, you know, it's a long exposure shot, and he's just sitting on the floor or on. On a stair, and there's people moving behind him. But, you know, with a long exposure, the things that are in motion are, you know, more or less opaque. And there's one guy that's just walking around without a head.

[Dave]

Yeah. The figure furthest to the right is fully headless.

[Tara]

It just looks so weird. He looks like if a human was a sock. All right, and then we get to our favorite little part of the ad extravaganza, which is those cheap ads at the back. The one my eyeball immediately went to was Alleghety riding camp. This one's for all the horse girls out there. Girls, 8, 16. Nestled in the scenic Allegheny Mountains. Three hours from Washington. 45 horses, two paddocks. We got a hunt course, indoor ring, trail riding, art, swimming, tennis, craft area, modern dormitories. Wow. This seems like quite the experience for a horse girl out there.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

And the picture is of a horse jumping over things.

[Dave]

Yep.

[Tara]

Equestrian style.

[Dave]

Yep. Be very careful when you're reading this, especially when you get to hunt course. You do not want to spoonerism that way.

[Tara]

You don't. And then on the next page. I have no idea what this means. I was gonna read it as written. No swamp things call or write for freeway. Cool. Siegly catalog. And we got a toll free number there. Or you can write to them on their Madison Avenue address in New York City. No swamp things. What's that mean?

[Dave]

I have no idea. I don't know what this brand is. Nothing is coming up. When I look for it, it.

[Tara]

Yeah, it sounds like an underwear problem.

[Dave]

Maybe.

[Tara]

You know, when you walk too much, you dress for cooler weather. And then like, it turns warm in the day, but you still got five miles to go. You get home and everything's sort of like wet or very damp. Yeah, you're just. You're a swamp thing. Well, I don't know what this catalog can do for that, but I don't either.

[Dave]

But the. The building still exists. It's the Anderson building. It was built in 1929. Has two 22 stories, 47 units.

[Tara]

This is the dumbest follow up we've ever done. Is the building still there where they had this P.O. box.

[Dave]

I was trying to see if they had any listings about how Don Draper work at Sieglee. What's the square footage? How much square footage you can get at the.

[Tara]

At the end that's what the swamp things are for. Please do this. Like Eminem.

[Dave]

Diary. This month's diary is. Will the real Jane Pratt please stand up? Please stand up. Please stand up.

[Tara]

Thank you.

[Dave]

You're welcome. This is Jane telling the story of promoting the magazine by doing a lot of press. She has been interviewed by Maria Shriver. She's been on the radio. But the funniest media experience of the month, she writes, was definitely going on the TV game show To Tell the Truth. If you've never seen the show, you may have still been exposed to it because there's a little bit at the beginning of the Leonardo DiCaprio slash Steven Spielberg movie Catch Me if youf can where Frank Abagnale Jr. Goes on to tell the truth, to tell his story of being a teenage con man. And they use real footage of the real episode that the real Frank Abagnale was in with Kitty Carlisle Hart, and she was still doing the show in 1991. The panel when Jane went on with two other ladies that were pretending they were the editors of Sassy was her. Kitty Carlisle Hart, Vicki Lawrence from the Carol Burnett Show, Monty hall from let's Make a Deal, and David Niven Jr. Of, as sassy puts it, or as Jane puts it, of David Niven Senior fame.

[Tara]

Fair, Fair. David Niven was my go to original Trivial Pursuit answer. When I didn't know anything about the question, I would guess either Hitler or David Niven. And I would guess I got 5% of those questions right by guessing one of those two people.

[Dave]

Or Galileo. That was the third. Interesting, didn't you? I thought that was your third Galileo.

[Tara]

No.

[Dave]

Okay, Someone else with someone other one name.

[Tara]

More of a Copernicus guy, perhaps.

[Dave]

Anyway, I, of course, went straight to YouTube to try to find any. If anyone had put this episode online, as far as I could tell, they had not. If you know otherwise, please call and let us know. But when I was searching for it, what I did find were a few episodes of Jane's talk show, which we should talk about when we get to that era. Perhaps we'll do a special episode.

[Tara]

What was it called?

[Dave]

I think it was just called Jane.

[Tara]

Oh, okay.

[Dave]

But the series premiere was in March 3, 1993, so it'll be a while before we get to our coverage. But just FYI, if you're curious about that, Google it. There's a few episodes, including the very first one. We actually have a magazine feature. The first time this has come up in quite a while. Karen tries to get thinner thighs, longer hair, bigger breasts Tanner skin and a boyfriend through the mail. And if you don't know what she's referring to, you can flip to page 82 and 83 in this very issue. For a brand that promises a whole bunch of things it can't possibly deliver normally the sort of thing you would expect to see in a teeny, scammy fractional ad. But for some reason sometimes they get the full, the full spread and it's got a sexy lady in the middle and a whole bunch of claims about, you know, what these pills can do if you just send them $20. So the premise of this story is that Karen sent away for a bunch of these different products and then sent, basically sent them to different doctors to confirm, no, you should not take these. They are not going to do anything and may harm you. And starts out by talking to someone at the FDA who's basically like, yeah, we can't test. We're a little busy reviewing drugs for AIDS and cancer, so we can't run down the makers of these bigger breasts now. Nonsense.

[Tara]

Right, Prioritizing.

[Dave]

Exactly. So basically the point of this article is don't take dubious drugs that are not necessarily backed by medical science. Pam.

[Tara]

I was gonna say somewhere Pam's eye just twitched. But I got this money in my wallet.

[Dave]

They start with have larger, more beautiful breasts.

[Tara]

Yes, please.

[Dave]

The doctor that she sends them to says, this is ground up cow brain. It's not going to do anything. Don't take them.

[Tara]

Make you smarter.

[Dave]

Well, perhaps so gain their courage, which isn't much.

[Tara]

Cows are cowards.

[Dave]

That's true.

[Tara]

It's right in the name.

[Dave]

But I just wondered like, you know, if you send these to a doctor and the doctor tests them themselves and like, do they have more standing to write to someone at the FDA and be like, hey, don't know. Because that didn't get followed up on.

[Tara]

I think the FDA probably thinks there's a little bit of dart wisdom here at play. Perhaps that if you're the kind of person that is going to buy cow brain pills so you can get bigger front top goodies.

[Dave]

Yeah, right. Yes.

[Tara]

You know, no gray loss.

[Dave]

Well, she just says don't take it. Which makes me think like she doesn't say, you can take it if you want, it's not going to do anything.

[Tara]

Or just buy them for display.

[Dave]

Well, I'm just saying if it sounds like they're harmful and she knows that.

[Tara]

They are, instead of filling a shallow glass bowl on your coffee table with decorative rocks, get a jar of brain pills.

[Dave]

Sure. Next. Have that Beautiful dark tan without risking sun cancer. Okay, again, another product. It's not going to do anything. Pills can't make you tan. The end of it is, in other words, spend your $20.95 on sunscreen and a new beach towel. I don't think you should be saying go lie out like even with sunscreen.

[Tara]

Yeah. And we're well into the era where everybody was thinking that, right?

[Dave]

Like, oh, of course.

[Tara]

Don't burn yourself to a crisp for the sake of your tan very much.

[Dave]

This was the ozone hole era for sure. Next is weight loss. Karen writes the body trim ad claims that the one month supply of appetite suppressant pills in the corresponding diet plan for which I paid 21.95 bring about a significant change in your hunger pattern by mandating foods that satisfy your appetite so you don't want to eat as much. And even if you did, the manufacturer states that people have lost 34, 40, even 70 pounds while consuming as many as 3,000 calories a day from a menu that includes heavy cream, bacon, mayonnaise, cheese and other high fat foods. For the truth, I went to Dr. Theodore Venitali.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

An obesity specialist in New York City who says this is a low carbohydrate, high fat diet that couldn't be more contrary to current thinking on diet and nutrition. It's basically the old Atkins diet that was very severely criticized by the American Medical association in the early 80s.

[Tara]

Jokes on you is come back.

[Dave]

That's right. Ask Ross Bob Lowe whether the Atkins diet has been discredited because he's selling their on TV every time I turn it on. So the active ingredient in the pills is something called phenylalanine. There's two laws in there. I thought maybe that was the fen and fen phen, the drug from later in the 90s.

[Tara]

Phenylaline is the heroin from the high darkening.

[Dave]

Probably that was phentermine. This one's an amino acid. So you know phenylalanine. Innocent hair. Karen writes, note how the longer dropped right off the label even though it was in the ad. Well, your hair will get longer while you use it. That's just how hair works. It's always growing. And then finally, the real departure from all of this, because it's not a drug, it's just a book, is the get him system. It's 96 pages published in 1986, filled with chapters like looks, which informs the eager reader Looks are definitely important to guys. And advises you to try putting some emotion into your eyes. They also tell you how to change your personality obviously was written by a man. And, you know, the end of it is like, finally, even the get him system says, be yourself, which is the best advice it gives.

[Tara]

I love the name, though.

[Dave]

Get him the get him system. So, Dave, would these tips work on you? Do look good.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Look more gooder.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

To a boy.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Laugh at his jokes, make him look important and well liked in public and praise his good ideas. Is this what it takes to get.

[Tara]

Him well, I mean, I like it when people laugh at my jokes, but I wouldn't want them to not be a genuine chuckle. Right.

[Dave]

So, yeah.

[Tara]

Like, if you can do all these things honestly and organically, sure. But if you're just putting on airs, then. And eventually that's gonna come around back to bite you when you're like, you're 63 and you're on your deathbed because we've been eating terribly all this time, and you're like, I just got one last thing to tell you. I never thought you were funny. And then you're like, well, fuck, I have to organize a funeral for this dick. Thank you.

[Dave]

Is that something you think is gonna happen?

[Tara]

Yeah, maybe. Can you read just before we end up. Can you read the little tag at the end, which I thought was kind of cute. There's a square at the very. The article in Greek filigree, as if you are actually on one of these pages with 10,000 ads.

[Dave]

All right, Karen Catchpole Inc. 1 Fraud Square Ripoff, New York, 1036. Yes, I want to be Karen. Please send me a lifetime supply of the wonder products listed in this story so that I too can have breasts the size of small farm animals, look like a carrot, lose weight no matter what I eat, need to trim my hair daily and never be dateless on a Saturday just like her. If I am not totally happy being Karen, I hope that I will get my money back or have my body donated to science. Karen.

[Tara]

That's good. This article as a whole just seems very much like why people remember Sassy so fondly. Just like, especially after. Granted, it's a different magnitude, but especially after themselves so royally because of the ad stuff at the start of the run of the magazine to now take a jab at basically the want ads of the magazine.

[Dave]

Yeah, totally. Yep. It's great. She's great. We love it. Finally, inside out what I did on my vacation. There's a weird, blurry, obviously a blown up Polaroid picture of Jacinta who writes, hi, I've been on a little holiday from Sassy. For two years and I missed it so much. See, I went back to Sydney, Australia, where I was born and raised. While I was there, I worked as a fashion editor for three magazines. The best thing about working in Australia is the weather. You can shoot outside all year round and not get frostbite. Every day is sunny and relaxing and I did have a great time there. I swear, when I woke up in the morning, I would look out the kitchen window at Nelson Bay and dolphins would swim past. Then I'd jump on my bike and go riding for an hour along the bay. Lunchtime would mean laps at the swimming pool and at 5 o'clock, unlike people in New York City, people there rarely work late. I would be off on my one and a half hours of power walking. The problem is, everything was closed by 10. That's why she's moved back to New York. Like, I don't know, Jacinta, you may be fucked up. That sounds pretty sick, your life in Sydney. Like, unless you didn't know anyone there, which obviously you did because it's where you grew up. I don't know why you did this. You're crazy. Next time, it's the February 1991 slumber party episode and Pam is, as they say, scheduled to appear. We'll share our results in the latest quiz. How good are you in a pinch? Then we'll be playing some of your latest voicemails, so get them in it if you haven't yet. 720. Sassy go. Or listen to sassy.com hotline to record in your browser for my plug. This week, the Connors, which is of course the sequel to Roseanne, one of the biggest shows of the 90s, is back for its seventh and final season. I reviewed the premiere at Cracked and you can find that in the show notes. You can find more information about the podcast, links to our visual aids, contact info for for all of [e-mail] thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. I gotta go get a Sodi parp. What was it?

[Tara]

Sure.

[Dave]

Okay.