February 1991 Teen Life: Hunting, Warfare & Print Design That Gives You A Migraine

Summary

Podcast Summary: "February 1991 Teen Life: Hunting, Warfare & Print Design That Gives You A Migraine"

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s takes listeners on a nostalgic journey through the February 1991 issue of Sassy magazine. Hosted by Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole, along with guest Dan Blau Rogge, this episode delves into the cultural and social landscape of early '90s Gen-X teens, exploring key articles, reader letters, and the broader pop culture of the time.

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1. Historical Context of February 1991

The episode opens by situating listeners in February 1991, a period marked by global tensions and significant events. Host 1 humorously navigates through the chaos of the time, touching upon:

• North and South Korea forming a joint table tennis team.
• Syria's readiness to recognize Israel.
• Wayne Gretzky's unexpected foray into football.
• The political upheaval in Haiti with Jean Bertrand Aristide's election.

Notable Quote:

Host 1 [01:15]: "But at least your favorite magazine, the one tie to your old life, is here with an article to tell you everything you need to know about the war."

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2. Deep Dive into the February 1991 Sassy Issue

a. Feature 1: Going Hunting by Catherine

Catherine's article challenges the traditional notion of hunting, portraying it as a "macho form of murder." She narrates her experience of hunting with men, emphasizing her love for animals and discomfort with hunting as a sport.

Discussion Highlights:

• Dan Blau Rogge [09:00]: "Hunting is, like, kind of dumb as a hobby. It's not something I'm interested in doing."
• The hosts critique the feasibility and morality of anti-hunting activism, questioning the effectiveness of disrupting hunters with extra noise and scent distractions.

Notable Quote:

Dan Blau Rogge [10:00]: "Running into the woods muttering peas and carrots is sort of the smallest battle in what I guess we'd call the quack war of 1991."

b. Feature 2: They Recently Styled Their Boyfriends by Kim

Kim's article explores the dynamics of relationship management through fashion and etiquette. She outlines how individuals can "restyle" their boyfriends by altering their wardrobe, teaching table manners, and giving new hairstyles.

Discussion Highlights:

• Host 1 [15:00]: "If you want to rocket me back to 1991 pop culture, assume the reader will catch your Billy Joel song reference."
• The hosts share personal anecdotes about attempting to style each other, embracing the humorous challenges that come with fashion makeovers.

Notable Quote:

Host 1 [19:24]: "Janice tried to be subtle with her boyfriend, who kept chewing with his mouth open, but told said she would never eat another meal with him if he couldn't stop this habit."

c. Feature 3: Unreadable Print Design - The Iraq Article

The trio critiques the February issue's print design, particularly an article on Iraq that suffers from poor readability due to overlaid graphics on text. They lament the design choices that render important information inaccessible.

Discussion Highlights:

• Host 1 [23:22]: "It's so unreadable. It is so unreadable."
• They discuss the technical mishaps in magazine layout, theorizing about the lack of proper testing before printing and the subsequent impact on reader comprehension.

Notable Quote:

Dan Blau Rogge [27:27]: "Saddam is a megalomaniac, like Hitler. You know what? Let's relax."

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3. Letters and Advice: Navigating Teenage Life

Sassy magazine's letters section features various teenage concerns, ranging from relationship woes to personal health issues. The hosts and Dan Blau Rogge dissect these letters, offering humorous yet insightful commentary.

a. Relationship Challenges

Letters address issues like poor table manners, ineffective communication, and mismatched relationship expectations.

Notable Quote:

Host 1 [19:50]: "What is that? Is that a dare?"

b. Personal Health Struggles

Teenagers write about coping with eating disorders and the psychological impact of medical conditions like scoliosis.

Notable Quote:

Host 1 [54:26]: "I can't believe this. I wailed. I'm fat. I'm hideous. I'll never leave the house."

c. Practical Advice on Everyday Problems

From supplement dependencies to ineffective cough remedies, the letters reveal the everyday dilemmas faced by teens in the early '90s.

Notable Quote:

Host 1 [36:16]: "Cough drops, even those containing menthol or eucalyptus, are no better at stopping coughs than a regular old piece of hard candy."

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4. Pop Culture and Personal Anecdotes

The conversation is peppered with references to contemporary TV shows like Will & Grace, Seinfeld, and Revenge of the Nerds. The hosts and Dan share personal stories that intertwine with these cultural touchstones, offering a relatable glimpse into their lives during the '90s.

Notable Quote:

Dan Blau Rogge [30:07]: "Why do you think I've been growing the hair? So he does like a thing where they put up the literal map. They didn't bother putting any text over it for once."

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5. Technical Critique and Editorial Insights

Beyond content, the hosts critique the magazine's technical aspects, such as layout choices and editorial consistency. They highlight the challenges faced when presenting complex topics like international conflicts in an accessible yet engaging manner.

Notable Quote:

Dan Blau Rogge [29:26]: "Can you really blame Saddam for getting into a snip? I was like, maybe. There's a happy medium here somewhere."

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6. Conclusion and Looking Forward

As the episode wraps up, the hosts touch upon future topics, including reviews of The Silence of the Lambs, Drew Barrymore, and Justine Bateman. They also promote their "Listen to Sassy" club, offering listeners access to full issue PDFs and exclusive content.

Notable Quote:

Host 1 [60:05]: "Next time we'll be talking about the pop culture topics of the February 1991 issue."

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Additional Highlights

• Guest Insight: Dan Blau Rogge shares his experiences growing up in a pop culture-rich environment, emphasizing the influence of magazines like Sassy on his social life.

• Humorous Banter: The hosts engage in light-hearted exchanges, making playful jabs at each other's habits and past experiences.

• Cultural References: The episode is interwoven with nods to iconic '90s media, enhancing the nostalgic feel for listeners familiar with the era.

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Overall, this episode of Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s offers an engaging and comprehensive exploration of the February 1991 issue of Sassy magazine. Through detailed discussions, personal anecdotes, and sharp critiques, Tara, Pamela, David, and Dan provide both entertainment and insightful commentary on teenage life and pop culture in the early '90s.

Transcript

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[Host 1]

It is February 1991, and nothing makes sense. North and South Korea are forming a joint team for a table tennis competition. Syria's ready to recognize Israel. Wayne Gretzky is buying a pro sports team, but the sport is football. You can't even find solace in the familiar in your own life because you just moved again and you feel like your whole life is over. But you can't even try to hire Dr. Jack Kevorkian to assist your suicide because a Michigan court has barred him from doing that. But do you even live there? Are you maybe in Boston, where Roger Clemens has signed a record $5,380,250 a year contract to play for the Red Sox? Could you be in Haiti, where Jean Bertrand Aristide has just been sworn in as its first elected president? Good thing you're not in an occupied Kuwait. But at least your favorite magazine, the one tie to your old life, is here with an article to tell you everything you need to know about the war. And wait, the war's already over? God damn it. Well, there are other articles that might help situate you. Let's find out. That's right.

[Host 2]

It's time to listen to Sassy.

[Host 1]

Pam is not with us, but we have replaced her with Folgers Crystals. Just kidding. With our friend Dan Blau Rogge. Hi, Dan.

[Host 2]

Hello, Dan.

[Host 1]

Hey Guys, we're so thrilled to have you. Dan, I know you were a boy in the 1990s, but you did have an older sister. Was Sassy ever part of your life, her life, your pop culture existence back then?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yes. First of all, hi, everyone, and thank you guys so much for having me. This is the thing I am the most excited for ever. So I am delighted to talk to be in the Pam seat, even for one day. Pam, understudy, Second best job in Hollywood after being literal. Pam, because of what you said about having an older sister who is much, much, I'm going to add a third much for Shaya just in case she's listening. Much older than me. She graduated in 1986.

[Host 2]

Oh, my God.

[Host 1]

Okay, I know.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

So she was very much in the 17 generation. She was like a Benetton girl. There was a lot of, like, earlier kind of like women's y fashion magazines and then big time, big time 17. So by the time it did, like, the sort of full Sassy evolution, she was in college and it wasn't in my house anymore. But to say that I was, in very cool 90s parlance, magazine aficionado, words we all respected up until the time that we actually, like, met each other, like 10 minutes after this issue was published, is that our house was just full of this kind of pop culture. And the knowledge of it was everywhere. Obviously Entertainment Weekly premiere, and then as much of the boy versions of these kinds of things that were ascendant at the time, which for me, obviously was never going to be as far as Maxim. So I stopped in sort of the metrosexual details.

[Host 1]

Sure.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Section of the Barnes and Noble magazine aisle. So, like, my knowledge of the period is extremely pop cultured. And I had many, many, many friends in ninth grade who were reading Sassy in their room as well. So I was quite surrounded by it.

[Host 1]

I love it. Yeah. Rolling Stone, I feel like probably passed your through your hands.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah. And I was still getting. It was like, you know, everybody has the. We love. We love a stinky older brother and boy did. And so that room was also full of, like, the Mad magazine and Cracked, et cetera, et cetera, like that vintage of stuff. I was just like, you say hitchhiker's Guide one more fucking time. And so we were over in my room with all of the slightly more gender neutral magazine slash Broadway original cast recordings was very much the 1991 vintage.

[Host 1]

There's an episode of Will and Grace. Sorry. In the first season where a new guy moves into the Building. And they're trying to decide. He's very flirty with both of them. And they can't figure out if he's. What his deal is.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

And so Jack tells them, you'll be able to tell from the magazines in his bathroom. And one is Sports Illustrated and the other is maybe Details. And they're like, well, you have to find out what the third one is. And that unless it's Vanity Fair. Edit it.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Unless it's Vanity Fair.

[Host 1]

Wait, you're describing my room.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

But I had Sports Illustrated. It was Long Island. So if I didn't have a Sports Illustrated, like, at my bar mitzvah theme was actual baseball teams. And so I. I know. Well, it's because my brother told my mom that he wanted his to be music, but she made all of the tables classical musicians. So there were like, people. He was like. And then maybe like Duran Duran. And she was like. And then our cousins will sit at the Tchaikovsky table. He was like, that's not exactly what I meant.

[Host 1]

I love that story.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

So the, you know, and for me, 1991 was just this, like, unbelievably transformative year because I started the year in ninth grade, which was still junior high school, in our Long island, on the sunny southern shore of Long island at Massapequa Public Schools. In ninth grade, I was still in junior high. So then I spent that summer at what, summer stock theater? Sleepaway camp, which obviously that's where the life changes. And then I came back and in 10th grade was in high school. And so everything was totally different from that fall on. So, like, this February was still kind of like a. It was a sad time. We'll just call it 1990 plus. But things did start to. Things did start to change meaningfully for me after that.

[Host 1]

Because of the war. Right. That too.

[Host 2]

Dance off to war.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

It was, it really. It was, it was. It was unbelievable. But I was happy to serve my country.

[Host 1]

And now I'm back at theater camp.

[Host 2]

Yeah, my big experience with the war, and I know it's a topic, but just to put it down here, is that I was making a cross country trip. Started before the war started, and then on the way back was after the war started and gas was like twice the price and we were like, like living like basically day to day, like, counting our pennies to make sure we had enough money to get back. And it was tight. It was tight because. Yeah, Life.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Life in wartime, Dave.

[Host 2]

Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, it affects everybody equally.

[Host 1]

Well, shall we get into this issue? Yeah, let's do that, okay, our cover is beautiful lady with beautiful curly hair. Flowers is the line at the bottom. And I believe, and I could not confirm this, but that all of these are the fake cover lines that were used on a dummied up version of Sassy that they put in an episode of the Goldbergs. But it was a different, like a different cover image than this lady. Just those cover lines.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

So that's amazing.

[Host 1]

It's Valentine's Day, of course, so our spineline is Valentine's. Shmalantine's. An extremely sassy take on the hallmarkiest of all of the holidays, and we love to see it. Feature number one is called Going Hunting. The author is Catherine and she does, guess what? Go hunt with some guys that she meets. She loves animals. She's always considered hunting nothing but a particularly macho form of murder. So that's where we're starting from.

[Host 2]

Murder with style.

[Host 1]

She gets into it. So she's her. Her main anti hunting perspective comes from a guy whose name is Wayne Purcell. He is the national director of the Fund for Animals.

[Host 2]

You say fund or Fun for Animals.

[Host 1]

I mean, they probably have more fun with Wayne than they do with and Bryant Trost and his father. But anyway, they engaged in some anti hunting activism that includes going into the woods to disrupt hunters by making extra noise and bringing additional scent pieces, carrots, beans and carrots by way of their numbers to alert the deer. They ask the hunters to leave. I bet that goes great. And sometimes make human blockades across roads starting here. Would really love to know if the Fun for Animals protested factory farming this vigorously. Because I feel like even if you're a really serious hunter, you can kill at most six animals a day, probably if you're hunting deer.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Right.

[Host 1]

Whereas, you know, like, and I say this is a meat eater. Worse things are going on at a dairy farm, honestly. So I'm. It's funny to me that none of this came up in the article at all.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Well, running into the woods muttering peas and carrots is sort of the smallest battle in what I guess we'd call the I quack war of 1991. Sorry.

[Host 2]

Hey, Dan. Don't be sorry. That was.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

But it was like. I did have the same thought about sort of like what the scope of the Fun for Animals was actually achieving. I was like, if this is the same argument as telling me to turn off the faucet while I brush my teeth, while I'm staring out the window with the Bellagio fountains, I was like, there's a lot more going on out here than that. Yeah.

[Host 1]

Hang up your towels, too, you know.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Right.

[Host 1]

Yeah. I suppose it's wrong to split hairs between all of this stuff. And I do think hunting is, like, kind of dumb as a hobby. It's not something I'm interested in doing.

[Host 2]

Because it's too much like camping. Not that you care about the animals. This is, like, outdoors weather, temperatures. No, thank you.

[Host 1]

Yeah, pass. I mean, when they do, like, not fox hunting, but when they do, like, hunting birds in Downton Abbey or whatever, at least it looks like, kind of classy. They have their whole, like, outfits. It's very. There's a lot of style involved. I mean, hence, you know, what she said. Up. Up top. But, yeah, I. I think she came into this with a lot of preconceptions and they don't seem to have been dislodged other than, like, this is maybe the only time that a teenage person, a teenage boy would, like, just sit still for five hours and not do anything at all. Just, like, think his thoughts and look for an animal to kill. But still, that part of it seems, you know, serene.

[Host 2]

Is that you talk about Brian Friday, the boy with three Y's in his name.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yes.

[Host 2]

Two too many.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Not to mention we're chronicling a Brian and a Bryant in the article. I was even getting a little confused. Which one of them was, like, had the Nazi grandfather in Austria, which one was living on a compound in Colorado? I was doing. I had to do a lot of glossary checks to make sure I was. I was with the right Brian.

[Host 1]

Yeah. Ultimately, it's a classic topic. Is a land of contrasts. Katherine. Conclusion where it's just like, there's some people think this and some people think that there's a lot of thoughts about this. Anyway, that's the end. Like, just sort of peters out well.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

In the way too, that it was like. I really love actually trying to have a nuanced view of this. And I give her credit for trying in the 1991 ness of the environment. But to your point, I agree. It was sort of like. It was like shooting a deer for sport is exactly the same as drowning a basket of newborn kittens in a vat of lye versus no, it's not exactly.

[Host 1]

Yes. Like, if you wanted to show the actual other side, like, I don't know, maybe go to Alaska and talk to seal hunters who actually are not doing this for sport. They're doing it for.

[Host 2]

Find the people that organize most dangerous game.

[Host 1]

Yes. Yeah.

[Host 2]

How do you like it now?

[Host 1]

Interesting.

[Host 2]

You'd like to subscribe to my Newsletter? Is that what you're saying?

[Host 1]

That's exactly what I'm saying. Yeah. Anyway, who's going hunting this weekend? Not me, not you, not Katherine. Probably not any of our listeners.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Well, unless. Well, because if they flash forward, I think we just need to know if the mission of Fun for Animals did succeed in ending sport hunting forever, or are the. Are the current members of the US Cabinet dumping bears in parks and bragging to Roseanne Barr about it? It's one or it's one or the other.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

Keep in mind, according to the article, they did stop the animal overpopulation apocalypse where there's so many deers on earth, it actually makes the earth drop down through space into the sun. So we have to thank him for that one.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Well, thank God they showed up when they did.

[Host 1]

Feature number two is they recently styled their boyfriends. The author is Kim something. Immediately spoke straight to our guest, Dan, Go ahead with the subhead.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

So the name of the article is they restyled their boyfriends. I had to flip for hours because they actually laid that out for the title to spread over two separate pages. But then in the subhead, which reads at the beginning, so much for that don't go changing to try and please me sentiment, and I was like, if you want to rocket me back to 1991 pop culture, assume the reader will catch your Billy Joel song reference. So that was when I felt like I was like I could just expand the size of the magazine and turn it into a warm hug at that point because I felt very seen at the top of they restyled their boyfriends. And then I started to read it changed my mind a little.

[Host 1]

So, yeah, they've there, there's a bunch of categories. She changed his clothes, she taught him table manners, she gave him new hairstyle, etc. So with she changed his clothes, I, I have personal testimony on this, which is occasionally Dave will just say, pick something out for me. Dress me up like your living doll. And he just lets me do that. And sometimes I guess right and sometimes I get guess wrong. And there is a buffalo check cardigan somewhere in his closet that I believe he's worn 0.0 times.

[Host 2]

So that was a miss, but okay. Part of that is why would I wear that around?

[Host 1]

Because you're cold all the time.

[Host 2]

Yeah, but it's okay. I won't get into the why. I don't like wearing sweatery kind of things at, at the desk. But the other part of it is if I don't see it and I don't Run into it day to day, it literally drops out of my mind. I do not believe it exists. I do not know that it exists. If it's not hanging up somewhere and I, like, pass by it every day, it might as well be in a black hole.

[Host 1]

That is true. We. Dave's T shirt drawer is slightly too full of T shirts. So there are, like two stacks of T shirts on top of the dresser.

[Host 2]

And I just wear.

[Host 1]

Those are the T shirts I keep getting.

[Host 2]

Why would you open up a drawer to wear other T shirts if there's two piles of T shirts outside of the drawer? I am working smarter, not harder.

[Host 1]

Please. Dan, what is your fashion history on this?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

First of all, Dave is literally singing my song. Okay? People get us confused all the time, and now I understand why.

[Host 1]

Okay, I should say you are both wearing the same jersey hoodie right now, just in different colors.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

You truly are. You mean I'm wearing the same hoodie I was wearing when I met you? I feel like only.

[Host 2]

Only difference between me and Dan is I choose not to have long, luxurious. Ha.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Fine. I. If I'm intimidating with you, if I'm intimidating you with my 19th century composer hair that I've had also since I met you, then I really do apologize because I often describe my style as a $12 a year clothing budget, which means that it is free swag that I get from work. Crossed with, like I said, the hoodie I was wearing when I met you. And what's actually funny is that our friend and colleague Sarah perform one of the greatest accidental acts of guerilla marketing ever in that. The last time I saw you, Tara, I think in person, was at her podcast taping for Mark and Sarah before, we weren't allowed to see anybody ever again. And I had two. One for me, one for my husband. T shirts, which, and I'm not kidding, I'm wearing it right now that have come west with me. And I am literally wearing in every single photo at every single school pickup and drop. I've spread the message to the Pacific, Pacific Northwest, and that is how I acquire all of my. My clothing.

[Host 1]

Well, $12 does still let you get new underwear and socks. So we're. We're happy that you're. You're keeping it clean, I assume.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Thank you.

[Host 2]

I lost a pair of socks yesterday.

[Host 1]

It was tragic.

[Host 2]

I just want to let everybody know. Had a hole in it. Tara pointed it. It was like Donald Sutherland at the end of, like, all right, I will throw them out. Jesus.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

But did she turn. Did Tara turn you into a Fox on wheels.

[Host 2]

I can't tell. She may have. I don't think you can actually tell. You're just replaced. You just start wandering around weird trees and that's it.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Great, great, great, great, great.

[Host 2]

In the clothes section, there is a quote. He dresses really Grateful Dead, and I wanted him to dress more cityified. Like, I don't have a large vocabulary for sure, you know, I got my old. The what? But cityified? Come on.

[Host 1]

She wanted him to be more like the city folks who don't get it, who aren't on farmersonly.com.

[Host 2]

Yeah, city folks just don't get it.

[Host 1]

That's right.

[Host 2]

Not like those farmers.

[Host 1]

Oh, so next is she taught him table manners. And I quote, by the way, these.

[Host 2]

All sound like Lady Tron songs.

[Host 1]

So Janice tried to be subtle with her boyfriend, who kept chewing with his mouth open, but told said she would never eat another meal with him if he couldn't stop this habit, which seems extreme, and said it had nothing to.

[Host 2]

Does it?

[Host 1]

Yes.

[Host 2]

Okay.

[Host 1]

What is that? Is that a dare?

[Host 2]

I don't want to. I don't want to look at people chewing there with their mouth open.

[Host 1]

I don't either. But, I mean, I'll never eat another meal with you again. It's just like, hey, could you try to work on it?

[Host 2]

All right? But if you're looking down the barrel the rest of your life, like, I don't know. I think I. I think I'm with her on this one.

[Host 1]

Well, what they did do was made up a secret signal so he'd know he was doing it without me having to complain. I'd press my lips together with my fingers as a sort of friendly reminder, which doesn't seem to me either a secret or B friendly. It seems quite hostile, actually.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

No, I'm. I've seen this used in many relationships. Yes. The gesture is, in fact, a secret signal for I fucking hate you. And I was doing it because when I was reading it, I started and I was just like, oh. I was like, I've probably done that twice in my marriage. And I heard about it. It's just like, well, then just talk. Just talk. Just open your mouth and talk. If you're physically pushing the words back behind your teeth, just fucking talk. Yeah.

[Host 2]

Wonder where they are now.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Next up, we have. She gave him a new hairstyle. And I quote, this guy I used to go out with had the most amazing, beautiful head of long, blonde hair you've ever seen, said Kate, 17. But he parted it straight down the middle, which didn't do Anything for him. It made him look like someone out of a Cheech and Chong movie, actually. And unfortunately, I am still waiting for someone to do that for me because my aforementioned 19th century composer look is exactly as Kate17 described. And only one of the reasons, I'm guessing, why her and my relationship did not work out in 1991.

[Host 2]

What if we went, like, the whole composer route for you and gave you that, like, white curly wig treatment?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

That would be great. Yeah. We could do, like, an Amadeus. It could be, like, an Amadeus thing.

[Host 1]

Yes.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

It's gonna be very back. Okay. Yeah, totally.

[Host 2]

Yeah. Who would be your Salieri if you're Amadeus?

[Host 1]

Good question.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Probably the, like, the gif of the cat playing the piano because it was just keyboard cat. Yeah, we have a. And we got a cat somewhere who looks a lot like keyboard cat. So I'll probably just drop him. I'll probably just drop him on the piano and he can do it from there.

[Host 1]

I mean, jokes on Kate, because all the millennials now are saying that it makes you look old if you part it on the side. Parting it in the middle is. Is the way to go, I guess.

[Host 2]

Yeah, she improved his personal hygiene.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

The first sentence is, I had a boyfriend who was European, and I was like, well, enough said.

[Host 2]

End of discussion. Dash 30. Dash.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yes. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

[Host 1]

There is more, but we also get an epilogue in which Kim writes, be prepared for boy backlash. As Danny15 says, if my girlfriend buys herself something and I say I hate it, she'll never wear it again. If I buy myself something and she says she hates it, I'll just wear it more. And, you know, I can understand this being the thing at the time. The Man Repeller helped us get past this mental block and just wear whatever we wanted, perhaps intending to repel men, but, you know, it shut down. And we'll link to that in the show notes.

[Host 2]

Is that Man Repeller like, get away from me, or is that Man Repeller please go down this cliff and attack the assassins in their base.

[Host 1]

First one, then the other.

[Host 2]

Okay, great. Feature three.

[Host 1]

Oh, God. Feature three is unreadable. It is so unreadable.

[Host 2]

I honestly, I, I, I got into the document last, and you guys all made your notes, and I opened up the PDF and I go to page 64 to read the Iraq thing, and I'm like, nope, somebody's just gonna have to tell me if we won or not, because I ain't gonna learn anything about this Iraq thing from Sassy. No, it's so I'll ask questions as we go along. For clarification.

[Host 1]

Okay. But yes, if you. If you don't have. If you're not in the Listen to Sassy club and can't Access the full PDF, it's just $5 a month to get the entire issue in PDF form. What we're looking at is a world map. I mean, you can't even say really behind the text because it's so dark. All of these. The outlines of national borders and place names and whatnot. And then you're supposed to try to read over this dark gray, the black text. And it is so basically impossible.

[Host 2]

There is a significant difference between when you put something on the screen and you. Like, like, I don't know, like 20% opacity or something like that should be good enough. And then, like, what that means when you print it for a whole bunch of technical reasons, one of them being the ink actually bleeds, so those little dots become bigger and it makes it look darker. But also it's sort of like a mistake you make once before you figure it out that you have to go much lighter on your. On your layout program than you think you might. Or at least what it looks like. Like it's lying to you. Like, if it looks sort of mid gray, it's going to be dark gray. If it looks extremely light gray, it's going to be kind of mid gray. Like, that is the way you have to approach it. And this one, they started at mid gray, and it's almost black. It's crazy how dark it is. And there are words that are just actually unreadable. It's really surprising. And it's not the first time we've complained about this. And it's not even the only example of this in this issue.

[Host 1]

Yeah, crazy. No, it's true. And we talked in the last few episodes about how they had a big redesign, starting with the January 91 issue. But this is an endemic problem that predates the redesign, too. You can't even blame that. The previous issue was the first one they designed completely on computers, which we found out was.

[Host 2]

So what you usually do is you have some sort of sample, right? Like, at some point you did a gradient and you did 10 squares going from 100 to zero in a few colors. So you can kind of like eyeball how dark or solid they're going to look, you know, against text. But I guess they didn't do that here because, oh, it just keeps on happening. It's a shame, because the person that wrote that is over, because nobody's going to read it now. Right, you two.

[Host 1]

Well, we did read it. So Christina is the author. The deck is I hate current events. They bore and depress me. Honey, sorry to hear that.

[Host 2]

Hold that thought.

[Host 1]

I would trade places with you in a second.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Oh, yeah.

[Host 2]

I wish I was in the Iraq war right now.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Now, Seriously? Yeah.

[Host 2]

Giant columns of black smoke.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Ah, well. And first of all, I do. I actually felt kind of bad for her because I thought that that pull. Using that as the pull quote was kind of mean because she really was trying to present what was at the time, the most 1991 objective version of what was going on in the world. And I didn't find the thesis of the piece to be, I hate current events. They bore and depress me. I felt that her thesis was. I'm trying so hard to actually wrap my head around this that the writing of it took me longer than the war because as we know, it was basically over by the time this episode hit. Hit the shelves.

[Host 2]

They did it. Sassy. You did it. Let's give him a round of applause. Here to go. Sassy.

[Host 1]

Mission accomplished. The big banner at the sassy office.

[Host 2]

Yeah, but you can't read it because it's behind this other thing. It's like, what, Mishmash opulence?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah, yeah, but it's like you feel bad, you know, it's just like whatever. That retrospective naivete where you're like, well, I hate to disappoint both Christina as well as Catherine the Hunter from the last article, but things did not improve. In fact, fun fact, this president's son's vice president made both Iraq and hunting worse when he shot his hunting buddy in the face.

[Host 2]

Catherine the Hunter bombed at the box office too, right?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Catherine the Hunter bombed at the box office. And not even in a funny way. Yeah.

[Host 1]

So unfortunately, you know, this might have been better assigned to Catherine or Kim. They were otherwise occupied this month. No pun intended. So instead we get Christina and her perverbal tics, like calling the leader of Iraq sadamums.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

How do you pronounce that?

[Host 1]

Sedad. Like, you know, she'll put that on the end of someone's name, like, you know, Steve ums or whatever.

[Host 2]

It's like lentil flour, and you put it in oil. It's like, have some sedanums. That's crazy.

[Host 1]

She.

[Host 2]

How'd that get through?

[Host 1]

I don't. Because no one could read it.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Because no one could read it. And also, like, take it from me, a couple of verbal tics that you use over and over again in your writing is going to keep getting you hired for. At least you'll fool some of the people some of the time. Time. So I. I see where she was going with it.

[Host 1]

I'm also going to say it's not a great idea to refer to them as oil countries. This is maybe part of what people are mad about in this conflict. But under the heading why some Americans feel dissed enough to want to go to war, Christina writes, saddam is a megalomaniac, like Hitler. You know what? Let's relax.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Relax. Although. But then the next sentence. Can you really blame Saddam for getting into a snip? I was like, maybe. Like, there's true. There's a happy medium here somewhere.

[Host 1]

She. She also writes, according to newspaper articles, his Saddam Hussein's stepfather abused him or something, and that's what messed him up. Like, maybe have someone else who gives a fuck write this because. Yeah, seems like very early draft material.

[Host 2]

Very. I'm at the mall.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I was like, can we put the entire Rocky Mountains topography behind that line so nobody could read it? Yeah, nobody could read it.

[Host 1]

Yeah. It's very third thing here. Like, I'll figure it out later.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That is where I stopped those. Speaking of 1991, this article did remind me the. Did remind me most of a Dennis Miller joke from Saturday Night Live. Would you like to hear it?

[Host 1]

Yes, please.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Well, because then I went to find it, too. Talk about your needle in a haystack.

[Host 2]

Are you going to do the impression? Okay, great.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Why do you think I've been growing the hair? So he does like a thing where they put up the literal map. They didn't bother putting any text over it for once. So it worked better on the SNL screen. Just the map of the Middle East. And he goes, we've been looking at the Middle east for months now. Let's see if we can identify some of the spots. Okay, Iran. There's Iran.

[Host 2]

Iraq.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Let's highlight Iraq. Saudi Arabia. There we go. And Alfred Hitchcock. And there had been an Alfred Hitchcock face that was then on there the whole time. And then you just didn't see it until the end. And I thought that was funny. And it made me go back down my early 90s Dennis Miller rabbit hole to remember all of the things that I wanted to remember about that period. As if we haven't been inundated with SNL nostalgia for the last couple of weeks. But I had to do it. And then just to break myself out of it. And I am not kidding. Just type the words Dennis Miller today into YouTube. The title of the first video, and I quote, you can't say anything anymore. Like goodbye. Yeah, boy. So there you go.

[Host 1]

Well, at the end, Christina offers thanks to Vi, Victor Navaski, Ramsey Clark, and Mary Kay's dad for reading this and telling me it was factually correct. Ramsey Clark? I assume she means the one who was a former U.S. attorney General. We'll link to his bio in the show notes because it's quite extensive and you know, he was on the right side of history with this as. As she was. I don't object to her points. She's making good points. Mostly she's just making them in the dumbest way and the most illegible way, as we've said at length. Let me hear your body talk.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Oh.

[Host 2]

What'S the new body talk?

[Host 1]

Our image is of a couple of Cl. You don't call them cloves, Heads of garlic.

[Host 2]

Yeah, Cloves are the little ones in. Cloves have a little m. Themselves.

[Host 1]

Thank you. Kim wants us to know. It's long been rumored that garlic is good for what ails you, and now there's scientific evidence to back up all the hype. It can boost your immune system, speed cold recovery. You can also consume it daily, and it can help fight off stomach cancer and heart disease. But since it loses its potency when cooked, you'd have to eat a raw head of it. One of those bulbous things over there. Thank you, Kim. To make a difference. So you should go to your nearest health food store and purchase aged garlic pills, which she says do not smell and won't give you bad breath. One quick Google tells you that's not the case. They will make you stink. They will not only give you bad breath, they'll apparently give you terrible gas that stinks as well. So keep that in mind before you add it to your daily supplement regime.

[Host 2]

Sounds like there's white space in the marketplace for a garlic suppository.

[Host 1]

It does seem like that.

[Host 2]

I don't know if it would make your fart smell like garlic. I don't know how that works. Frankly, I don't want to find it.

[Host 1]

I mean, I think just a clove is basically the size and shape of a suppository.

[Host 2]

Sounds like we got a trip to Gilroy to figure it all out.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

And listen, I take my fair share of supplements, even though I think we can all agree none of them actually do anything.

[Host 2]

Okay, but on. On a PAM scale. Where are you sitting on the.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

On the supplements scale?

[Host 2]

On the Pam supplement scale, I.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

My desk.

[Host 1]

Yes. What percent of a Pam, are you supplement wise?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I'm 85.

[Host 1]

He might be. You don't know.

[Host 2]

If he was 85% of a Pam, he would be like up like his soundproofing would be pill jars.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

But the. I get like. The thing is though, I understand that the. I actually don't. I go in and out of like gigantic supplement phases where I will buy the pill sorter. Right. And then like stop it for just years at a time because it never. And I am not kidding, from Flintstones vitamins to present have never one time felt like a supplement has been working. And in fact I was like, I think Jane is probably like in the pocket of big garlic with this entire thing. Like there was some lobbyists at her door on it because does big garlic.

[Host 2]

Is called elephant garlic, by the way.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Just. I don't think that you can say since garlic loses its potency when cooked, you'd have to eat the whole thing. Much better to go to the nearest health food store and purchase aged garlic pills, which is basically like saying you're going to like strip out the one healthy thing of a blueberry and turn it into a pill. I'm not convinced. I'm just not sure what is the.

[Host 2]

Dumbest thing you have supplements for in your own opinion. Like what's the one thing it's like, oh yeah, I can really improve that with some pills.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yes. Because I'm not even on TikTok and I still learn from social media that I had to learn what ashwagandha was. So I'm so glad you asked, Dave. It is a very. It's a modern answer that is making me feel extremely stupid in the now.

[Host 2]

What is that?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

What is it?

[Host 2]

Yeah, I know. You don't know. What's it supposed to do? You know what it's supposed to help you with? With?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

No.

[Host 2]

Stuff.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah, stuff. What do you got Supposed to help you with stuff.

[Host 1]

I'm gonna guess inflammation, because that's what they all.

[Host 2]

I went to Camp Onawagonda once.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah, exactly.

[Host 2]

For the summer.

[Host 1]

It was nice. Did you feel better afterwards?

[Host 2]

Yeah, I felt great.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yep.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Although I. My actual stupidest answer to that question is the joke that we wrote in college about supplements. Ready? I was gonna take my St. John's Wart, but I forgot.

[Host 1]

Nice.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Thank you. Bye.

[Host 1]

Cough drops, even those containing menthol or eucalyptus, are no better at stopping coughs than a regular old piece of hard candy. The way I latched on to this fact when I read it in Sassy, like I'm never having a cough drop again. Jolly Ranchers only every time I have a cold.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Seriously.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

But the ones with menthol or eucalyptus, they do make you think they're working harder. It's like how the peppermint Dr. Bronner seems like it's more cleansing than lemon or whatever. Because it smells on it.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah, exactly. Right. Well, that's the. I do completely agree with that. And I think that there is, like, as you know, being in the company of so many singers slash karaoke vixens such as ourselves, that there was when we were doing choir and theater that you would have to get into, like, the subclass of the more disgusting, the more it's actually going to help you. There was a cough drop that my mom and I, when we were singing professional Christmas carols together for many years called Fisherman's Friend. Yeah. And they were just. It, like, literally was disgusting. It was like menthol dog poop and it would.

[Host 2]

A hardened pill of pocket lint.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yes, exactly.

[Host 1]

But all their advertising was like, it's disgusting for a reason. Like, it's not for soft little babies.

[Host 2]

You're gonna hate it.

[Host 1]

Serious cold relief.

[Host 2]

Yeah, Right?

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Right.

[Host 1]

Finally, if you do your homework or any kind of work on a computer, can you imagine? Make sure to look away from the screen every 15 minutes to avoid eye fatigue. We recently had a question on the patreon of our sister podcast, Extra Extra Hot Grate, where someone was asking about making sure we get all our water in. And I proudly said drinking water is, like, the only healthy thing that I consistently do. And the other only healthy thing I consistently do is I have an anti RSI program on my computer. Repetitive stress injury. And it does tell me to look away. I think it's every eight minutes, just for like 13 seconds. And every hour, get up and walk around for eight minutes. And it really has helped me. Sorry. I've barely changed my. My glasses prescription in years. Dave Guinness ask because it pisses him off. But I used to have really bad back problems and that helped. So I'm going to recommend to our listeners who are my age or thereabouts, get an anti RSI program on your computer and don't just dismiss it when it tells you to get up.

[Host 2]

And how old is that?

[Host 1]

That program?

[Host 2]

No, the first.

[Host 1]

Am I 78.

[Host 2]

Okay.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

Canonically, I'm 78 years old.

[Host 2]

And finally, finally. Oh, yeah, guess because we skipped over mine for some reason.

[Host 1]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Host 2]

Don't get frostbite too much. I able to say, okay, I won't.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Thank you.

[Host 2]

Sassy. Good advice.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

And I. Yeah, some problems are solved at a doctor's office. Like, I was just like, don't try to do that stuff on your own.

[Host 2]

Driving home for Christmas and you just, I don't know, stick your hand out of the car on this interstate for four hours.

[Host 1]

Speaking of SNL sketches, that one really. Security guards. I hate when that happens.

[Host 2]

Give her a. Put a whole bunch of tacks on the floor and strip naked and roll around in them.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Don't.

[Host 1]

Funny.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Those were funny.

[Host 1]

Help for him. For some reason, him is first. I don't approve, but that's what's happening.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I'm so glad you said that. Crazy.

[Host 2]

Release the Epstein report.

[Host 1]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna be honest. Originally, when I made this doc, I just switched them. And then I was like, no, I. I'll. I guess I'll abide by what they did.

[Host 2]

Putting Stassy on blast.

[Host 1]

Girlfriend has an eating disorder.

[Host 2]

But actually, the way they have it. Sound up top. Help for him.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Help.

[Host 2]

It just sounds like an echo. Like a really sad echo. Like he's drowning. We're not quite there. It's a whole in the Air Tonight situation.

[Host 1]

You're right. Especially with the design, too, because help for him is like bold. Green is just yellow text on white.

[Host 2]

I was there and I saw what you did. Help for him. Help us.

[Host 1]

I have a problem with my girlfriend. Every time I take her out, she won't eat and says she is on a diet. When I first met her, she was big, but I liked her. Now she has lost a lot of weight, but my problem is she keeps throwing up. At first I didn't notice, but now she doesn't even eat and she keeps on throwing up. The other week we were out at the mall and she fainted. She was so weak, I had to carry her out to the car. When I try to talk to her about this, she just shoves it off. What should I do? Signed George Costanza. Just kidding. This is very serious. That's all I could think about was the episode of Seinfeld where George tries to determine if his girlfriend is refunding, as he puts it. I hope this girlfriend got help. And I'm glad that he liked her even when she was big.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Girl, come join us in 2025. We love your big booty here. We don't need you to be doing any. We are waiting. We are waiting for girlfriend of this guy. Of him.

[Host 1]

Mrs. Confused and scared. Look us up.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Coping with pregnancy. I don't mean to obsess on something that takes up roughly 1 billionth of the text of the magazine. But I could not stop thinking about. I am 14 years old and I used to go out with a 17 year old. We broke up after finding out she was pregnant. We broke up after finding out she passive voice. Was passive voice pregnant. It was my idea to leave her because I can't put up with this. Now our parents know and I feel like I hate her. How can I overcome my hate and be the friend she needs? Please help somebody put a map of Iraq behind this fucking letter. Now I could. Heads or tails? First of all, critical, most important question. I'll open it up to the group. Did he get her pregnant or not?

[Host 1]

It never says the question.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

No, it doesn't.

[Host 1]

It's answered as though they assume he is the father of this child. Child. But he never says he got her pregnant. He says she got pregnant. He said finding out she was pregnant.

[Host 2]

Sounds like the village tricycle.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Speaking the Epstein.

[Host 1]

I mean I would also love to know what a 17 year old girl was talking to a 14 year old boy about because I feel like I tried that at various times just in a non romantic capacity and it was unbearable.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I made many 17 year old girlfriends when I was 14 years old and do you know what I got from it? Awesome music.

[Host 1]

I was gonna say.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

Copies of all of their Billy Joel CDs that you didn't have.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah, definitely. Yep. They were like. This is called New Wave. You're gonna love it.

[Host 2]

And finally, kissing lessons. I have a really great relationship with my girlfriend. But there's one problem. She's a really bad kisser. I mean bad bad.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Italicized bad bad.

[Host 2]

I know I should be patient, but in the meantime it's gross. Help me because everything else in a relationship is great. Signed anonymous. What do you think is happening with this kisses? Is he like going straight for the eyeball? What? What is gross about the way he kisses?

[Host 1]

Is he like she. She kisses?

[Host 2]

Yeah, sorry.

[Host 1]

She's the bad kisser.

[Host 2]

Yes. Sorry, but what is. What, what is going on here? What is. What is the bad kisser doing? What is she doing here?

[Host 1]

Is she kissing him with her mouth open like the boyfriend from the boyfriend article? I mean, sorry. With food in her mouth is what I meant to say. And then she's coming at him with it.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

Because otherwise I don't know what is like gross is. Unless he's not. He thinks that kissing with your mouth open and using your tongue is gross. And maybe he does because he doesn't specify.

[Host 2]

Right.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah. Yep. Yeah.

[Host 1]

Okay, we agree.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I got nothing.

[Host 2]

Let's get into non him. Help.

[Host 1]

Yes, help. Gender specific. My basic problem is I'm too nice to people. So I get taken for granted a lot. Tonight I was dissed hard.

[Host 2]

Harder than Iraq.

[Host 1]

I guess my friend just forgot got we had plans to go to the movies. She'll call tomorrow with this really lame excuse and I'll accept it. So, as you can tell, I need a lot of help. Too nice for my own good or just stupid? First of all, yikes. And then the advice is, if you make plans with someone who you know may not show, give yourself a time limit. And if she doesn't arrive by your deadline, try to make plans with another friend. So cueing the letter the next month from my friend only ever calls me when her flame never shows up. Like, what the fuck? That's so rude.

[Host 2]

Yeah, yeah, that's not good advice.

[Host 1]

That's not a good solution.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

No. Yeah, it was. I'm stupid, not nice. That's my verdict. Get a real friend.

[Host 2]

I think this is my problem too, though. I'm just too nice.

[Host 1]

Yeah, that's your problem.

[Host 2]

I mean, everybody says it, but I'm like, oh, come on.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Oh, really? 100%.

[Host 1]

Next. I have a very nervous stomach that produces a lot of acid and gas, so I have to take Maalox. The directions say not to exceed 12 teaspoons in a day. I need at least 15 a day to get relief. Can this cause any damage? First of all, if you're having 15 teaspoons of Maalox, I'm going to go ahead and guess. You're not measuring them with teaspoons. And that is just an estimate because you are swigging it straight from the bottle.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

Like an alcoholic.

[Host 2]

They love the sweet taste.

[Host 1]

Second, you can get dependent on over the counter pills, as I discovered recently. Did I already talk about this on the podcast?

[Host 2]

What? Your crippling addiction to.

[Host 1]

To, et cetera. Did I?

[Host 2]

No, I don't think so.

[Host 1]

I had a physical in December and they, you know, did a blood panel or whatever and they were like, everything's fine.

[Host 2]

Like Mr. Burns.

[Host 1]

Yes, exactly.

[Host 2]

Okay. Yeah.

[Host 1]

And then they were like, everything's fine except you don't drink. Right. So why are your liver results so crazy? And the reason was because I took Excedrin a lot. I've gone cold turkey off Excedrin, but it's aspirin and caffeine and Tylenol. And Tylenol, you will read, is like, it can cause problems with your liver and you're like. But I could never possibly take enough that it would show up medically. And the answer is you could, and I did. So be careful with. With that.

[Host 2]

Have you guys seen the Maelox dependency with Jason Maelox?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

No. It's.

[Host 1]

Yeah, I killed someone with a bottle of Maalox.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

It's crazy. Crazy. Well, and just like, with a lot of the letters and I actually used to even have this feeling when I was reading these magazines contemporarily was if you write your letter, put your stamp on it, put it in the mail, wait for it to show up in print, many things are too late. And this just like the frostbite is the. I'm like, is there an auto reply from the US Postal Service that just says, go to the fucking doctor? Because this one, this one was scary. I did not. I did not like the Maalox dependency. And I hope that this person is less distended than they were.

[Host 2]

I do like the Victorian malady of nervous stuff. Stomach.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah. Just full of those wandering bodily humors. Yeah, exactly. Drain the black bile and all shall be well. Wants to kiss her boyfriend. My boyfriend and I haven't kissed yet. He told my friend he wants to kiss me, but he thinks that if I don't feel comfortable with it, I'll be mad. I'm willing to make the first move, but I'm not sure what to do. How do I get things started straight for the eye?

[Host 1]

Don't be gross.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Don't be gross. This was written by my high school girlfriend. That's all I was going to say. I was like, I. He won't do it.

[Host 1]

Did you tell her friend you wanted to, though?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Probably. What are you going to do? I wasn't. I hadn't been to theater summer camp yet.

[Host 1]

What he said. Our question this month. Would you go for another guy's girlfriend? No. Say 71 of guys? Yes. 29.

[Host 2]

Does it depend a lot on the guy? Yeah, you're putting yourself in peril potentially. Like, you know, is he going to be. Is he like a Booger from Revenge of the Nerds?

[Host 1]

Right. Or is he.

[Host 2]

Or is he like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds? Wait, Booger. Is that who I'm thinking of? Yeah, the. The. The. The Grunty guy. Okay. Yeah, it's Booger.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

You're thinking of Booger.

[Host 1]

No, Booger is the little nerdy guy.

[Host 2]

Okay.

[Host 1]

That's what I thought was on.

[Host 2]

Who is the crazy big guy?

[Host 1]

I don't know. I've never seen Revenge of the Nerds. All right.

[Host 2]

I'm look it up while you guys talk.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I don't know. I think his last name was Maelox.

[Host 2]

Everybody's saying it to me right now in their. In their cars and along their walk. I know all the nerd heads of the nerds. Here we go. We're not talking about Booger, who was Curtis Armstrong.

[Host 1]

That's right.

[Host 2]

We're talking about the character played by Donald Gibb. Fred the ogre.

[Host 1]

Oh, the ogre.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

They were screaming at you louder than at me on every game time.

[Host 1]

Hector 18. I don't need to read his whole answer. He's like, you know, know, thought that I had a shot. I might do it. The point is, when you go and look at this picture. Yeah, Hector could get it. He will be fine. He might as well shoot a shot with. With the ladies because I think he's going to be successful. He is very cute.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Steve too, is going to get it. Not because of his looks, but because that is Definitely Tom from MySpace. Even the angle that he was just like, I'm just gonna turn around and from the. From the other angle and you will recognize me forever. So he's gonna. And he can be. He can be good within about 15 years.

[Host 1]

I mean, I guess this is just what we're doing because Kez, 16, also super hot. All these guys are so. Dude, they. They truly are the guy. She told you not to worry about all these dudes.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah, except. Well, I don't know about this. Jason and Luke, what do you think about. You've seen these two before.

[Host 1]

So this is like months into the run of Beverly Hills 90210. It is still a qu. I mean, not to say it ever got good, but this is before it was even like an entertaining soap. February 91, it had only been on for like four months. So they're still in definitely very special episode territory yet. Which is why this is the first we've really seen of either of them since any whiff of 90210 since it started. Jason Priestley had previously been a one to watch, but it was like when he was still just on Sister Kate. Jason and Luke, they get both Priestley and Perry ages not disclosed. Lol. I can now report they were very coy about it at the time, especially Luke Perry, because that is his actual given first name. But they assuming they didn't continue lying about their ages in at this time in February 91, Jason Priestley was 21 and Luke Perry was 24. I'm not sure I believe that either, honestly. But 21 is a perfectly acceptable age to say you are when you're on a teen show.

[Host 2]

There's never a bit of truer moment in the Simpsons where they have Luke Perry smile and then like 14 forehead ridges appear.

[Host 1]

Like, he's got 14 forehead ridges in this picture and he's supposed to be in grade 10. Like, come on, bro. Like, he's cute. He was very good on that show.

[Host 2]

But, like, seriously, you talked about Lucums.

[Host 1]

I'm talking about Lucas. Yes.

[Host 2]

Any relation to Saddam?

[Host 1]

I believe they were cousins. Yes. And Crusty was their second cousin once removed.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah. My. My Saddam's girl Scout cookies just got here, though, so they're jump off at some point.

[Host 2]

They're weird, but so good.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Good. But that. Well, they're. It's like a layer of oil. Layer of chocolate. Layer of oil.

[Host 2]

It happened to me. Scoliosis brace. Brace spray sprays. I don't have anything to say about the actual thing except they're doing it again. I can't read a bunch of this article because they're putting things behind the letters and I can't read it. Stop it. Thank you. Podcast over.

[Host 1]

Not quite. Jane, age 16, is telling us her ordeal with getting a scoliosis brace. And you can always tell when these it happened to me stories are real because they are boring. Sorry. Sorry. To Jane. My. My only experience with back braces is that there's a Judy Bloom book called Deenie that is all about a girl getting a back brace. And it's like, certainly before this, this one is sort of like. And they got me this new special one that's supposed to be less noticeable, but the one in Dini, like that book was written in, you know, the 60s or 70s, and it sounded horrifying. It really sounded.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Gave me real, real nightmares. Like, actual real nightmares. Yeah, terrifying.

[Host 2]

Wait, are these. Are these books like just slices of life that are terrible or are they like horror book?

[Host 1]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Jojobum.

[Host 2]

I don't know what that means, Dan.

[Host 1]

I'm sorry, like, but you've heard of. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

[Host 2]

Yeah, yeah, surely. Okay. But what's the other one? I'm thinking of? There's people up in the attic and they're getting fucked or whatever.

[Host 1]

Oh, flowers in the attic.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Flowers in the attic.

[Host 2]

That's a different person. Okay.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Different person. VC Andrews. Yeah. No, no, as Pam. As Pam put it recently, those were the kids with the haunted look. And I have to completely. The VC Andrews kids?

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

No, the Judy Blume kids. Were reading age appropriate things. Except again, for me with my much older sister in the house, reading Are youe There, God, It's Me. When I was about nine. Made me worry that the same thing was going to happen to me. And then it happened. All of the, like the fear just went from one book to another. And Dini. Cause Dini also looked like a creepy old book, even when it was new in the version that we had. And it. What. The way that they talked about the, like, shackling of her into it was very scary.

[Host 1]

Yep. I mean, this poor girl really is not getting any empathy. She. When she first gets it put on, she goes home and. And by her own description. I can't believe this. I wailed. I'm fat. I'm hideous. I'll never leave the house. My family didn't know what to say or do. Call a friend up. My mother offered. Okay. Wow. Thanks for really putting yourself out, Mom. Maybe you can get some clothes from your fat friend Jill. I mean, she doesn't say that, but that actually wasn't a bad idea since Jill was a bit larger than me.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Oh boy, was Jill catching strays. Jesus Christ. What did Jill do?

[Host 1]

Oh, yikes.

[Host 2]

This is basically me with my sleep apnea machine.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Oh, do you do the. You have the full tube?

[Host 2]

No, I don't anymore because I hated it so much.

[Host 1]

Well, you have it.

[Host 2]

Yeah, I'm paying it off for the thing I don't use now. What do you use Good one on me for? What do I use it for?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

What do you use now?

[Host 2]

Just like prayer. Yeah.

[Host 1]

Hoping for the day.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's. Yeah.

[Host 2]

I honestly, I'd rather die a little early than. Than spend the next decades of my life with that thing strapped to me.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I've gotten this speech from my mother today. She's very. Oh yeah, she's very anti the machine. And it is.

[Host 2]

Your mom is right.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

I know we all want people to live as long as they can because we'll miss them, but this is a quality of life issue.

[Host 1]

No, I agree with Dave. I wanted the complaining to stop, so I'm fine with it. Whatever happens.

[Host 2]

Yeah. Great. Glad we're on the same page.

[Host 1]

I'm just joking. I love you. And I not as mean as this scoliosis mom stuff you wrote. I took all of my favorite sayings from stuff you wrote and wrote them on a jeans jacket using puffy paints and sequins. I wore the jacket on a recent trip to la and a woman came up to me on the street and offered me 300 for it. It just goes to show that it pays to be sassy. Signed a truly sassy chick, Julianne Hansen from Fremont, California. And I hope that this woman didn't keep talking to her and traffic her into some kind of sex slavery, because that is the end of that story, in my view.

[Host 2]

No, the end of the story is everybody clap. Because this is completely fictitious.

[Host 1]

A relationship is like three coats of nail polish. If you don't apply a base coat love, a main coat trust, and a top coat understanding, it just might chip away, says Lola Holland of Roseville, Minnesota. You really thought you had something here. And I guess she did, cause it got into the magazine. But wow, that is corny as hell.

[Host 2]

Relationship is like three coats of nail polish. You can smell it from four rooms away.

[Host 1]

It takes a solvent to get it off.

[Host 2]

A relationship is like three coats of nail polish. You go to the place where you get your nails done to get it done, and then for some reason, your wife come back and does it again at home.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Which manicurist were you going to? I don't know.

[Host 2]

Tara, which one were you going to?

[Host 1]

Sometimes they chip, you know, on the way home. You have to try different. Yes.

[Host 2]

Okay.

[Host 1]

Have you ever. What do you think happens when you go to the dark?

[Host 2]

I know how love works.

[Host 1]

You have to go to beauty school if you want to do it.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

It's true. I went to. I got them. I needed to find a way to stop biting my nails. So for a while when we were living in la, I actually went to get manicures because it would help me keep my hands out of my mouth. And then that's why I. Not to be. Did it really, Because. And you don't still do it, right? Are you going?

[Host 1]

Oh, no, I still buy my nails because I don't. I don't go all the time.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I don't put them in my mouth anymore. They look horrible. I don't put them in my mouth anymore because I was getting sick all the time when I was eating, you know, earth dirt. But I can't. I still do the. I still do the picking. So I have no.

[Host 1]

I pick in. But bite both. I know it's gross.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Lovely. Yeah, it's fantastic. Love that.

[Host 2]

You know that. You know the guy from the. The Guinness Book of World Records, he's got his hands up and his nails are like going all the way back down to his. But that's me. That's why you've never seen a picture of me with my hands exposed. Because I'm that person. I'M that guy.

[Host 1]

On February 25th of 2020, I tweeted, as a lifelong nail biter, I'm either gonna die in the first COVID wave or outlive you all from all of the immunities I've picked up. And five years later, I've still never had Covid. Not one.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Here you are.

[Host 1]

But you also buy your nails.

[Host 2]

I also buy. But also, also, I'm one of the big giant guys on the motorcycle from the Guinness Book of World Records, too, so that might help. I'm a lot of. A lot of the things you thought were different people. That Guinness Book of World Records. It's actually me.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

They're all you.

[Host 2]

Yeah. One of the McGill twins, David T. Cole.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I. I think that the long nails were really good to help you move the mouse around to do the layout for that Iraq piece.

[Host 2]

Thank you.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Mm. To Sarah and Christy of Northville, Michigan. Meh. It's my Pam. That's as close as I'm gonna get to a Pam on this one. Cause I told her. Well, I was like, I wanted to do, like, the one line Pam impersonation, but I was like, you're just too nuanced to ever, like, really land on, like, what a compelling. Could you do it? I couldn't.

[Host 1]

No.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I went. The closest I got was. The closest I got was, well, and that was, oh, I got one. All right, I got one.

[Host 2]

So I got some pills and I was like.

[Host 1]

Hey, we love you. We love you.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

To Sarah and Christy of Northville, Michigan. You are totally wrong about the OB tampon commercial stuff you wrote November 1990. If you look closely at the bin the can is placed in, you will notice it has a little green sign with three little white arrows making a circle. The seal stands for recycling. Double exclamation point. I have seen the commercial, and no, it is not hypocritical and not a waste of a 30 second commercial. Your letter, however, was a waste of 13 lines in this awesome magazine. Give me an entire Ryan Murphy feud season about the letter and then the letter that answered it, and then the letter that's coming after that one in the form of Maria jumping in with her editorial observation. Actually, Sarah and Christy did see a girl toss a can into the garbage. It was an oversight, says an OB spokesman. The company revised the ad to include the recycling bin you saw. That is a the hardest hitting journalism in this entire issue of the magazine that shares with the Iraq article, I'm sorry to say. Yeah, I don't understand why this had to come in A spirit of such anger. And my last observation, because this is as much as I knew about it at the time, is that that OB commercial had the catchiest goddamn jingle that a tampon commercial ever needed in life. And that is why I respect. Remember, it pulls down.

[Host 1]

Can you sing it?

[Dan Blau Rogge]

It was just try OB and you'll see was the hook at the end of it. I will look for it.

[Host 2]

The other thing about this whole thing is that the spokesman for OB is a man, which I enjoy.

[Host 1]

The other other thing is that this little blurb was also fact checked by Ramsey Clark and we thank him for his service.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Uh oh, I can't do better than that.

[Host 2]

Yeah, Almost had a Dr.

[Host 1]

Next time we'll be talking about the pop culture topics of the February 1991 issue. And Dan will be back. The Silence of the Lambs and the Beautiful Cells reviewed Drew Barrymore and Justine Bateman. Mark one to watch, is he? And more. By the way, this is normally where we tell you to go take the quiz, but we move the quiz. Dave is not putting it up directly on the site anymore. It will be in the visual aids for our next slumber party episode. And of course, as we already mentioned, if you join the Listen to Sassy club, you will get it because you will get the full issue PDF of every single issue of the magazine as we talk about it.

[Host 2]

I showed somebody the PDF, I'm like, look what I got. And she's like, oh, she started making it with my eye. That's how cool it is.

[Host 1]

That's how you got injured. Sad.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Dan, what do you got for us about my life?

[Host 2]

I don't know.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Oh, this is my plug. Can I tell you. Can I tell you a brief story as my plug? Okay. Because you're it. It involved, you're in it. So it's a story about all of us.

[Host 1]

I love it already.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

So 20 years ago I was. I don't know if you guys know this, but around the turn of the century, the last century, there was a genre being developed of like long form recapping on the Internet and people sort of like, you know, really just like point by point, blow by blow. Recap. Sounds like a real money pit of every kind of. I wouldn't involve, I wouldn't, I wouldn't recommend getting involved in it. Yeah, exactly. But you know, everyone, we, we met a lot of people and I made a lot of really good friends working, working for it. But it was also this very strange vehicle to other types of work as a ton of people ended up going to Other places in media from this site that we worked at called Television Without Pity. I feel very happy about where in the swap galaxy of fame I have stayed over the years as my my work as soulless network sellout. But that came from one day I was recapping the television show America's Next Top Model and when like the starlet in the drugstore with a big assist from our friend Heather, was contacted by the executive producer of America's Next Top Model itself. I spent what was supposed to be a 10 week gig which turned into living in LA for 8 years when I met my until I met my husband. We moved back to New York because he's from the Pacific Northwest and no one from up here likes LA at all. And then spent some time in New York and after 10 years of doing freelance I went over to 10 years working on the network side. I am now done with those 10 years. So I'm celebrating my 20 years in TV by hoping that I can retire. I have no plan after this. Let's face it, you don't want to hear old white men give their opinions anymore. I don't want to hear old white men give their opinions anymore. So if there's some sort of like twat pension thing that we can start putting together at this point, I think it's time for me to just ace out of this whole thing because it's been a great ride and I don't want to do it anymore.

[Host 2]

Our pension is if you kept the shirts, you can sell them for like 30 or 40 bucks.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

On what?

[Host 2]

On T date. That's about it. That's about all we can offer you, Dan.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

I love it.

[Host 1]

We love you, Dan. We were all rooting for you.

[Host 2]

You can't follow Dan because he's mysterious and he's not on social. But you can Follow Tara on blueskyaraerriano.com youm can follow Pam. She's Pamela Ribbon or something of the sort probably. And you can Follow this show ListenToSassy.com on BlueSky, get some updates, see some stuff. Every Monday we throw that bitch it's Monday thing at you.

[Host 1]

We sure do.

[Host 2]

Yep, you can support us on Patreon. As mentioned before, $5 a month gets you access to our discord to talk to other listeners. Not only listen to Sassy but our other podcasts as well. And of course you get that PDF of what whatever issue we're talking about. The February one just went up so you can download that and read along with us. Go to listen to sassy.comclub for more info and a link to join. And don't forget, you can support us for free, rate and review us on the podcast app you're using right now. We're currently asking for 23 star reviews. If it only goes up to five, it's up to you to figure out how to get it to 20. I know you can do it. It really helps.

[Host 1]

Thank you. That's right. You can also call us. Our hotline is at 7:20 Sassy Go. You can also find us at listen to sassy.com hotline if you want to just record it right in your browser and not run up your phone for whatever reason. I don't know if you live overseas, I don't know your life. Leave us a voicemail about the show or the magazine. We may play it on a future slumber party episode. You can also also find more information about the podcast, links to our visual aids, contact info for all of us at the aforementioned listen to sassy.com thank you for listening and we'll see you next time. And we'll see you next time too, Dan.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

Bye. It's the way it should be Keep.

[Host 1]

It simple and set yourself free from.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

The extra that you really don't need.

[Host 1]

Just try OB and set yourself free.

[Dan Blau Rogge]

OB it's the way you should be Just try OB and you see Keep it simple and set yourself free.