January 1991 Teen Life: Depression, Douching & The New Sassiest Girls In America

Summary

Podcast Summary: Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s Episode: January 1991 Teen Life: Depression, Douching & The New Sassiest Girls In America
Release Date: December 10, 2024
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole

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Introduction

In this lively episode of Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s, hosts Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole take listeners on a nostalgic journey back to January 1991, exploring the complexities of teen life as depicted in the iconic Sassy magazine. The conversation is rich with humor, critical analysis, and heartfelt reflections, capturing the essence of a bygone era for Gen-X teens.

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Magazine Redesign: A Shift Towards the Corporate

Timestamp: [01:29] Christina

The episode kicks off with a discussion about the significant redesign of Sassy magazine's January 1991 issue. Christina notes the stark transformation from the magazine’s previously "grubby" and "fun" aesthetic to a more "clean" and "clinical" look.

• Christina: "Well, the readers are gone. The staff is back. It's the January 1991 issue, but it looks all different."

Timestamp: [02:26] Dave

David expresses his disappointment, highlighting the loss of the magazine’s original, edgy charm.

• Dave: "It got like, clean and kind of. What was fun about Sassy was it's sort of dirty. Nasty paint spilled on it. The glue's still drying. This and this got very, very clinical looking."

Timestamp: [03:06] Sandy

Sandy speculates that the redesign was influenced by the advent of digital design tools, contributing to the magazine's new look.

• Sandy: "I was about to say, I wonder if this is like a migration to Quark Express or Aldous Pagemaker or what have you. ... yep, this whole thing looks like a holiday issue now."

The hosts agree that the new design feels more corporate and less in tune with the rebellious spirit that Sassy originally embodied.

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Feature Focus: The Sassiest Girls in America

Timestamp: [05:49] Christina

The trio delves into the Sassiest Girls in America feature, critiquing the magazine’s handling of the contest and the presentation of its finalists.

• Christina: "Feature number one, spying on the Sassiest girls in America by Karen who. ... it's very small and very like super saturated... impossible to make out."

Timestamp: [06:58] Sandy

Sandy connects the redesign to broader trends in 90s graphic design, noting the emergence of "crunchy 90s graphic design" with scratchy typewriter fonts and a glitchy, analog aesthetic.

• Sandy: "It's sort of the start of the crunchy 90s graphic design, ... It's messy and glitched analog."

The hosts express disappointment over the reduced prominence and visibility of the finalists, which diminishes the feature's impact compared to previous issues.

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In-Depth Articles and Commentary

Article Analysis: "Why Boys Think You're So Scary"

Timestamp: [12:36] Dave

The hosts examine the article "Why Boys Think You're So Scary," dissecting its often judgmental tone and the unrealistic expectations it places on teenage girls.

• Dave: "It's not her fault... So Jim, whoever you're married to... I hope you're not married."

Timestamp: [13:05] Christina

Christina highlights the article's flawed logic and the pressure it creates for girls to conform to certain behaviors to be deemed acceptable by boys.

• Christina: "Why girls are always on time? Why are you always late?"

The discussion underscores the magazine's sometimes problematic approach to gender dynamics, reflecting the evolving conversations around feminism in the early 90s.

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Fiction Stories: Realism and Relatability

Timestamp: [18:48] Christina

The episode features Sassy’s fictional stories, with Christina analyzing a one-page narrative titled "Chicago" by Jessica Vitkus. The hosts appreciate the story's nuanced portrayal of teenage relationships and the subtle emotional depth.

• Christina: "It's just a very, I think, well observed story. ... It's just a very, I think, well observed story... she just doesn't know what to say."

Timestamp: [25:38] Christina

Another story involves a pen pal relationship that ends mysteriously, leading to speculation about catfishing and emotional turmoil. The hosts critique the storytelling techniques and the magazine's design choices that hinder readability.

• Christina: "I just thought she made up the whole thing out of whole cloth."

These discussions highlight Sassy's commitment to authentic teenage experiences, despite occasional storytelling and design shortcomings.

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Health and Wellness: The Douching Segment

Timestamp: [29:12] Dave

A segment on douching sparks a humorous yet informative debate among the hosts about the practice, its misconceptions, and its actual implications for health.

• Dave: "That's when you put a nice douching on top of the salad."

Timestamp: [30:16] Sandy

Sandy offers a practical perspective, cautioning against the use of vinegar-based douches and emphasizing natural body processes.

• Sandy: "It's very frustrating to not know what you're getting into until halfway through... It doesn't make sense. You got water?"

The conversation blends humor with factual information, reflecting the magazine's approach to addressing sensitive health topics with a mix of seriousness and relatability.

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Letters to the Editors: Advice and Anecdotes

Timestamp: [33:21] Sandy

The hosts respond to fictional letters from readers seeking advice on relationship issues, such as lack of sexual attraction and concerns about their girlfriend's mustache. These segments are treated with both humor and empathy.

• Dave: "Try basing your decisions on the emotions you do feel, not the physical stuff you don't."

Timestamp: [35:31] Christina

A letter from "Peter" humorously requests advice on his girlfriend's mustache, leading to playful banter among the hosts.

• Christina: "By this thing, do you mean you?"

These interactions showcase the magazine's interactive element, engaging readers with relatable problems presented in a lighthearted manner.

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Environmental Concerns and Satirical Commentary

Timestamp: [36:21] Christina

A fictional letter addresses environmental crises with a satirical twist, highlighting the magazine's balance between earnest concerns and playful critique.

• Christina: "Antarctica is dying out and whales are being slain... but I am worried if we don't hurry, the earth will fade away."

Timestamp: [37:35] Sandy

Sandy offers a succinct take on the letter, suggesting that a "little less mirth may save the earth," merging humor with environmental responsibility.

• Sandy: "A little less mirth may save the earth."

This segment underscores Sassy's engagement with pressing global issues through a teenager-friendly lens.

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Conclusion and Future Episodes

Timestamp: [41:11] Christina

The hosts wrap up the episode by teasing upcoming content, including a hiatus for the holidays and future episodes delving deeper into Sassy's vault and other pop culture topics.

• Christina: "Next time, we're going to take a little break for the holidays... We'll be back to our regular schedule, talking about the pop culture topics of the January 1991 issue."

Timestamp: [42:16] Sandy

They also promote ways for listeners to support the podcast, including Patreon and Discord, while maintaining their signature humor.

• Sandy: "You get the full issue PDF, you get access to the Discord ad-free episodes and of course the latest scoop on the heaviest thing that's in banks vagina."

The episode concludes on a humorous note, leaving listeners eager for more nostalgic dives into Sassy magazine's rich history.

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Notable Quotes

• Dave at [00:56]: "People are out here still pegging their jeans. Fuck everyone and everything in it."

• Christina at [17:04]: "I was annoyed to see Mike be all like, you know, I get depressed after the holidays... And now we know he's just like everyone else."

• Sandy at [29:30]: "Rate it on a scale of imaginary animals to a real animal. Tell me how much medicine that is."

• Christina at [40:55]: "It's dark... It's so hard to read. What do they say about the many types of water?"

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Final Thoughts

This episode of Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s masterfully blends humor, critique, and nostalgia to revisit the multifaceted world of Sassy magazine. The hosts' dynamic interactions and insightful commentary provide both entertainment and thoughtful analysis, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Pamela]

Looking for something festive for the holidays. Your participating Carvel ice cream store has these beautiful ice cream cakes for the holidays. Tom the turkey who speaks Turkey language as bad as I speak English. Priscilla and John, lovers who never did find Plymouth Rock. And then we have Dump me the pumpkin. How do you like these specially molded gift cakes for the holidays? That's your participating carver livestream store. Thank you and have a happy holiday.

[Dave]

It is January 1991. Jan Krzysztof Bull Bielecki is now the premier of Poland. Jorge Serrano Elias is elected president of Guatemala, and you are elected loser of Nowhereville. AKA this piece of shit podunk, stupid ass, uncultured hellhole that apparently is the only place in the entire world your mom can afford a two bedroom puke pad in an apartment complex that doesn't even have a pool. People are out here still pegging their jeans. Fuck everyone and everything in it. Yes, it's time too.

[Christina]

Listen to Sassy.

[Sandy]

Pegging their jeans.

[Christina]

Pegging their jeans.

[Sandy]

Pegging their jeans. Come on. Bam. Get in here once more. Start us off.

[Dave]

Sorry.

[Sandy]

Start us off. Pegging your jeans.

[Christina]

Wasting away.

[Sandy]

No, no, no. Pegging your jeans. Let's go. Let's do this right.

[Dave]

Harmonizing.

[Sandy]

Pegging your jeans.

[Dave]

Pegging your jeans.

[Christina]

There we go. Well, the readers are gone. The staff is back. It's the January 1991 issue, but it looks all different. So news from my teen life at this time, my favorite magazine did a big redesign. It's crazy.

[Sandy]

I don't know if I would call it big, but it's different.

[Christina]

It's a big change.

[Dave]

Yeah, it's different. It's upsetting a little.

[Christina]

Yeah, I don't love it. It looks chintzier.

[Dave]

Yeah, it got like, clean and kind of. What was fun about Sassy was it's sort of dirty. Nasty paint spilled on it. The glue's still drying. This and this got very, very clinical looking.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Even though our cover model's from space.

[Christina]

Yeah, we're gonna find out. This was the first issue that was completely designed on a computer.

[Sandy]

I was about to say, I wonder if this is like a migration to Quark Express or Aldous Pagemaker or what have you. And yeah, it feels like it. All the tools. Ooh, float left, float right.

[Dave]

Seven fonts.

[Sandy]

Yeah. There's a lot of digital excess happening here for sure.

[Christina]

Which feels very of the era. It's a new decade and it looks it. The old one did have its charm. I agree with Pam. It had like a pasted up sort of fun grubby.

[Dave]

Energy.

[Christina]

And this. This looks like it's more. It's more corporate. It's more meant to go out and do presentations.

[Sandy]

It's that. But it's also. It's cleaner. So more of the pages are white, whereas, like, say, what used to be a black background. And, like, you used to be able to skim the magazine and sort of, like, get a lay of the land by chunks of color.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Sandy]

Like a color index for a movie or something like that. But now most of the pages are white. And then they've decided they've landed on a headline. Green, secondary text, red color scheme, which is, like, you have a very narrow part of the year where you can mix white with red and green, and that is Christmas. And when you do it in other parts of the year, it just really feels like you forgot all about Christmas. And then you put a magazine on, it's like, oh, shit. This whole thing looks like a holiday issue now.

[Christina]

It's true. But may I tell you, Dave, this is the February issue, and they're doing so all. Everything that was green with the section headers now is, like this sort of golden yellow.

[Sandy]

Yeah.

[Christina]

So they're changing it by issue. Let's talk about the spine line. Dave, your friend Tom Carvell died. The spine line is RIP Tom Carvell, 1906-1990.

[Sandy]

Yeah. We miss him.

[Christina]

We miss him.

[Sandy]

He's up in heaven with Fudgy. Fudgy died in 89. In case, just to jog your memory, the first Fudgy. I know, like, now we're dealing with Fudgy 3. But, you know, back in the day, my favorite thing about Carvel is that they reuse the same form for different things. So, like Fudgy the Whale. You turn it 90 degrees, and it's like, I don't know, a cornucopia or something like that for Thanksgiving. I think that's kind of fun.

[Christina]

I think it's great.

[Sandy]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Will your new favorite thing be learning.

[Sandy]

That before you finish? Yes, and I'm going to pretend it is. Go.

[Dave]

His niece filed court papers in 2009 to have his body exhumed.

[Sandy]

Yes.

[Dave]

And an autopsy performed stating that she suspected he was drugged or suffocated by employees whom Carvel suspected of embezzlement. Her petition was denied. She later became a fugitive from justice in a personal bankruptcy case. She had been vying for control of his $67 million estate. And her name. Pamela. Is this your new favorite fun fact about ads?

[Christina]

It is wild.

[Sandy]

And if you rotate that niece 90 degrees.

[Dave]

Yes, she's a real cookie puss.

[Christina]

Feature number one, spying on the Sassiest girls in America by Karen who. She's doing a thing where she's pretending she's a spy and so she's bylined cloak and dagger. But we know it's her. I mean we've talked about the amount of white space on here and I guess they also just generally had their photo pages cut down because instead of the usual like full page or so of all of the sassiest girl in America contest like finalists, we get these little fucking just pog sized pictures of each of them, including the winner who gets one more photo at the, at the end of the story. But it's also very small and very like super saturated and all of the little teeny tiny photos of them like are impossible to make out even because they all look like they've been photographed from like a crunchy VHS tape screen.

[Sandy]

Security cams.

[Dave]

Yeah, they're real world finalists.

[Christina]

It's a bummer. I would be sad if I got this far. And then we're like, that's it. Because they do all as usual seem very cool.

[Sandy]

Yeah, this is the sort of the start of the crunchy 90s graphic design, so I'm going to assume it's part of that. And this sort of tracks with a lot of the other things happening in the magazine here and there. It's not all like Ray Gun all of a sudden, but there's definitely some scratchy typewriter fonts and things ghosted behind other things and just like, you know, messiness and glitched analog and it's all sort of like appearing here in dribs and drabs.

[Christina]

Also, unfortunately, Neil is now back and his bit in the blurb on each of the finalists is I think she should win and saying nothing else. So thanks for coming out and taking this seriously, Neil. You, let's go through some, some notes about each of the girls. Wa makes a whole thing of like if you want to give someone on the street money, you have to worry about whether they're going to spend it on alcohol or drugs. I hope she would not say that anymore and just give where she thinks people need it and not stress about what they're going to spend it on their adults.

[Dave]

Well, she did become. Yeah, and then she became someone who creates homes for houseless people for a living. I mean she lives in Brentwood. I don't know, she may still have feelings about who she gives her money to. However. Yeah, she was already at this point had Helped organize orient. This is. She would want us to know you could go and give to her current programs. She.

[Christina]

I reject this as the doxing song.

[Dave]

I'm telling you.

[Christina]

She walked the walk.

[Dave]

And talked the talk. She didn't just say, I really care about homelessness. She was already doing things at that point. She had recruited 20 incoming freshmen and 10 upperclassmen as volunteers to help the Harlem Restoration Project and Habitat for Humanity. And now she take some may say, is this just a real estate tax evasion? Who knows? That's none of my business what she's doing. All, you know, privately at the moment, but for now, remaking homes for unhoused people. So there you go. It's pretty sassy.

[Christina]

Mm. Next is Hannah Spoiler. She is the one who wins. I guess it's not much of a spoiler because she is on the COVID but she says she's gonna spend some of the charity money that she wins if she does win, and we know she did to her stepfather's organization. And the Trap Rock center for Peace and justice is still operating in western Massachusetts, and they are coming out hard pro Gaza. So good for them and good for her. And good for the tiny amount of money that Sassy gave them to operate in 1991. Next. Jennifer. She says she's gonna spend her prize money if she wins, which she doesn't.

[Sandy]

On being less surprised by photos.

[Dave]

It's not her fault. The still shot from a video.

[Christina]

It's true. Yeah, she kind of looks. She's kind of got a Patty Harrison thing going on. She's gonna spend her money on neutering her cat, which. Why is the cat not neutered already? They talk about them going to see a production of Prelude to a Kiss on Broadway. And I looked it up. This production starred Timothy Hu and Mary Louise Parker. Not bad. And again, they talk about her amazing sense of style. Wish we could see more of it than her hair and her hat. But that's. That's all we get. The newer design.

[Dave]

Boo Sandy is from San Jose, California. They say her distinguishing feature is a voice you almost can't hear. And she volunteers as a youth coordinator with the American Red Cross, wants to be a dermatologist. Guess what? She is a dermatologist now. And from her yoke, Yay. And from her Yelp reviews, it sounds like her manner of speaking is still an issue with some of her clients.

[Christina]

You shoot me about it. She must really talk quietly if people are going on Yelp to be like, I couldn't hear anything. She said, well, what they're saying is.

[Dave]

That she comes in with a lot of words very quickly, doesn't give them a lot of time and then leaves. And perhaps that's how she is handling the quiet voice where she's just like, hear what all this. I've got to go. And then hugs herself for a little while and says, you did good.

[Christina]

Speaking of the American Red Cross, never donate to the American Red Cross. And we will put some links to some muckraking journalism in the show notes so that you know why.

[Dave]

Subject number five is Dawn Wilkinson. Speaking of one to watch dawn, who has a nose ring in the past, she was a vegetarian for two years. She's got a great shoe collection. They say she went to an alternative school that let her choose her own courses. So already very, very cool. She and her boyfriend Derek opened a vintage clothing store called Afterlife in Toronto. She was going to give her charity money to Greenpeace and a local shelter. Dawn goes on to become an Emmy nominated director. She did marry Derek for a little while and she's remarried. She's on Instagram making shows, including the Step Up TV show. Like she. It was an NAACP Image Award winner. She still has her nose ring.

[Christina]

So very sad. Her Instagram is great. She's so cute.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina]

Picture of her. Mary J. Blige. Good job, Dawn. And then there's another one. And we didn't care about her.

[Dave]

Couldn't find a thing.

[Christina]

Good luck to Katie.

[Dave]

Your name was too basic. Even Tustin couldn't figure it out. And her hair is played the trumpet.

[Christina]

Maybe blonde, but it's hard to tell. Kind of looks green in this thumbnail. It's too small. Did we mention too small?

[Dave]

So now we have an article by Karen Catchpole, why boys think you're so scary. And I just, I'm unhappy with this 12 feature of, you know, like, maybe it's your fault. Like I'm, I'm. You're like, okay, so you don't want me to. I can't talk too much or too little. I can't care too much or wear makeup. Try to look nice, use hairspray, feel things, express myself, talk to my friends, fall in love, be on time or say no. Awesome.

[Christina]

That was incredible. Why are girls always on time? Why are you always late?

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina]

This was wild. When, when the one boy is like, it seems like 40 or 50 girls will gather in a circle and just tear guys apart. It's like this is literally. The men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid Men will kill them. Line in like women are. Girls are more scared of boys than boys are of girls. And they are right to be.

[Dave]

Unfortunately, I only really could dox Christian cause his name is so specific. And also he was just so clearly terrified of the concept of women. It's like why do they breathe in and out? He went to art school, but now he's in tech and as an Apple specialist extraordinaire, according to a blog post from his company. I hope he's not so terrified about women anymore and he can just get his job done. Maybe he's gay. Go to work. I mean, even if he's gay, he needs to know how to talk to other 50 something percent of the people in the world.

[Christina]

You're right.

[Dave]

And not be terrified. Dave, right here I have some medicine that is a probiotic.

[Sandy]

When you say medicine.

[Dave]

Vaginal. It's a vaginal.

[Sandy]

What level of actual medicine are we talking? Rate it. Rate it on a scale of imaginary animals to a real animal. Tell me how much medicine that is. Griffin.

[Dave]

You get two guesses.

[Sandy]

Winged hippopotamus.

[Dave]

There is winged hippopotamus in this? Yes.

[Christina]

Oh my.

[Dave]

I got it at a workout for my vagina. We are scary.

[Christina]

Wait, what does that mean?

[Dave]

I'm gonna put a link in the show notes.

[Christina]

I might not be old enough to read it.

[Dave]

You are fine. This is for, you know, Dave, there's something called a pelvic floor.

[Sandy]

Yeah, I know what a pelvic floor is.

[Dave]

And you can work it out while you're doing your workouts.

[Sandy]

Pelvic floor is what do you land on when you hit the glass ceiling? I only know about the pelvic floor because I did a website once about somebody who dealt with pelvic floor issues.

[Christina]

Oh, that's right.

[Sandy]

So I know a lot about leakage and that stuff.

[Dave]

Well, this was co founded by a fellow former Derby doll, also a writer. And so I just went and took one of their 50 minute signature squeeze classes and it's easy peasy.

[Sandy]

What is the heaviest thing you can hold in your vagina?

[Dave]

Now that is something you gotta pay to find out. Dave, question. This is a real. This is a real whiplash of an issue because feature number four is when we were depressed. Some very honest stories about the times that Christina and Mary Kay and Mike Jane and Amy and Katherine were depressed. And they're pretty honest about it. They're, you know, into the like, am I depressed? Oh, this is depression. The looking back depression. Amy's is the one where I'm like, because she's hypoglycemic. So she just kept like, you know, being very swoony and then realized she has to eat every couple of hours. And I don't know what it is about hypoglycemic girls, but I'm just like, ah, aren't you lucky? Ugh. Oh no. Did I not? Can someone give me some bread? I'm in a bad mood and I feel terrible about this, but I will never not feel this way. I actually have to eat several times a day or I get mad and I'm mean. Oh, me too.

[Christina]

I didn't know you had a young Judy Garland depression in your back pocket. That was pretty good.

[Dave]

Thanks. Thanks. Yeah, she's just hypoglycemic.

[Christina]

I was annoyed to see Mike be all like, you know, I get depressed after the holidays because I remember when they did all of their holiday coverage in the last December issue. He was all trying to be non conformist and above it all about Christmas. And now we know he's just like everyone else.

[Dave]

Seasonal affective disorder. Yes.

[Christina]

And when Christina's like, the conclusion I've come to is that cute boys are what make life worth living. I want to be snarky about it. She does have a point though.

[Dave]

They do help you get back up.

[Christina]

They help?

[Dave]

Yeah, they just keep making them.

[Christina]

That's true.

[Dave]

Here at the end, there's a last word of advice. Please try to remember that nothing lasts forever and life does have a weird way of getting better, assuming you want it to. Interesting. Also, as queer as it sounds, those lonely nights of wallowing on your bed in your PJs are a big part of who you are. Only idiots are always happy. This concept of you can have a bad day and that is okay, and you didn't do something wrong and you don't have to fix it. What a late in life concept for me to grab.

[Christina]

Yeah, grasp both.

[Dave]

It just felt like you weren't supposed to. What were you supposed to? Yeah, let's blame sitcoms. But you're supposed to fix it in a timely fashion and learn why you were sad. And the true meaning of blah, blah, blah.

[Sandy]

So small but substantial candy dish. I'm guessing the heaviest thing Pam's kept.

[Dave]

In your pajama without dropping it. Well, let's just say this didn't used to be on my desk.

[Sandy]

Yeah.

[Christina]

Our fiction story. Oh, I see. It's called Chicago. Yeah, it's by Jessica Vitkus, who is a copy assistant at the magazine. It's just a truly a one page Story about being back home and knowing the boy that you broke up with or that broke up with you is still there and doesn't overstay its welcome. It's just a very, I think, well observed story. There's a couple of lines I noted cause I thought they were very strong. I gave him a whole city. Now it doesn't feel like mine anymore when they're fighting. After a while, he stopped apologizing and just talked about his band. Love that. And Ezra talks and I just stare at him and the $10,000 slips out of our hands. That's her imagining them as contestants on the $10,000 pyramid. This is the kind of story I love in Sassy, where it's just like a small idea very carefully explored. They do this sometimes.

[Dave]

Yeah. I also like the line, now I need to find a casual but pretty walk to get me to the bar because in that first glimpse I want to dis him, remind him of what he has given up. Like I have to find a casual pretty walk is me just like jump jerking over to him like, what's up? You play piano?

[Christina]

Is that your keyboard?

[Dave]

Is that your keyboard? Is that music you're playing? They also. She also mentions special silky gloves that her mom would put on to put on her stockings. And I was like, what? This is a thing? I want to know what they look like. Is it too late for me to get some? That would have saved so many pairs of pantyhose.

[Christina]

Yeah. Call in if you know about the 720sassy.

[Dave]

Go.

[Christina]

Let me hear your body talk. This is the most frustrating page in the issue. You guys don't understand how much I lightened this page in Photoshop and like fiddled with the contrast so that you could try to make out the. The text.

[Dave]

I do know it's.

[Christina]

It's dark. It's a dark, mostly dark gray background except for like the shining light through a glass water bottle. And then slight, just only one shade darker text, gray text over it. It's so hard to read. What do they say about the many types of water? I wish I could tell you. I truly don't know. I. I read it in the Physical magazine with a flat the flash phone and it didn't help.

[Sandy]

Yeah, well, there's boy water.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Sandy]

There's animal water.

[Dave]

Sure.

[Sandy]

There's cry water.

[Dave]

Yep.

[Sandy]

River water. If I think of some more, I'll.

[Christina]

Don't drink that.

[Sandy]

Fire water.

[Christina]

Fire water, yes. Don't drink that either. It's bad for you.

[Sandy]

Box water.

[Dave]

If all your friends are sick and you're not feeling so great yourself, there might not be anything wrong with you. See, just hearing about another person's illness is sometimes enough to make you interpret every slightly funky feeling as a sign of sickness. Folks your age seem especially prone to this kind of behavior, as do those who've recently lost a close friend or relative. So chill out before you convince yourself you've got the flu. Then if you still feel weird, see the doctor. Ladies, ladies, it's all in your head. What is going on with this magazine?

[Christina]

Yeah, it is judgy. Maybe I'm sick. Shut up.

[Sandy]

Yeah. The other thing we haven't talked about is that these section headers are not at the top of the section. They have put them in the middle of each section. Floated left, or floated right, because we could do that. Now we have the power. It's just a command. It's just a button you press. So let's use it. And it's very frustrating to not know what you're getting into until halfway through or having to pop your eye halfway down and then pop it back up. It is extremely bad reader flow.

[Christina]

Yep.

[Sandy]

And it's, like, antithetical to make.

[Dave]

A.

[Sandy]

Pearl Jam song, right?

[Christina]

Justified.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Christina]

68% of men like the way they look naked, but only 22% of women do, and that's called patriarchy.

[Sandy]

Urinary tract infections are one of the banes of being female. Treating them correctly and rapidly is key, key, key. You guys have it rough.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah. Thanks, Steve.

[Sandy]

With your pelvic floors and whatnot.

[Christina]

It's not great.

[Dave]

No, it's not great.

[Sandy]

No. I mean, I don't even know why you get out of the bathroom some days.

[Christina]

Some days I don't.

[Sandy]

Feels like all your life revolving around just like, bathroom tricks and tips.

[Dave]

Six kinds of Q tips by just that one lady alone.

[Christina]

It happened to me. I don't want to say this is fake, but it has the whiff of fakery. To me, it does. If I may spoil the story, she had his pen pal for years. They met through Tiger Beat magazine, so. And then just one week, she didn't get a letter from him. And then another week passed and she got more and more anxious. And then she got a letter from his mother that said he died.

[Dave]

It does take you on some twists as an adult reading it because you're like, oh, she's actually getting catfished here. There's no way this is an actual one month younger man. She's gonna. Boy, she's gonna find out later that it's a Dude. And that when she gets to New York. But then instead no letters come. I do think probably all of it is she might have been catfished. Including the letter from quote unquote the mom who says he died in a drunk driving accident. Yeah. Just Carol. Nobody's called anybody. This is like her heart song human that she. At one point it's like her only friend.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Nobody's got on the phone. It doesn't make any sense. They were planning on meeting up and then like being friends forever. She has a picture of him on her desk. I think she got catfished all the way to the death.

[Christina]

See, I just thought she made up the whole thing out of whole cloth.

[Dave]

She may have for a scholarship. But if I want to be on the side of this poor girl. Lynn. Right. I gonna guess that someone at one point was like you're doing what you're writing to a. How old is she? That is you cannot do that anymore. His wife found out what he was doing and then he was like I better kill him and write a letter from his mother. And maybe I can make her never get into a car with someone who's been drinking. I don't know. I'll try and make some good out of this. Your honor. And that's. That's this story.

[Christina]

Yeah. Even more unfortunate than the possibility that this is all fake is that we have the. You know, the deck. For three years John was my pen pal. Then one day his letter stopped coming. And then they. They print that again in larger but fainter text under the bottom of the article. Like why? Why? Text on text is not how we read. This is not how reading works. So annoying.

[Dave]

Something stained the page. I didn't realize that's what that was.

[Christina]

Yeah, because it's hard to read it. Of course you didn't. Why would you. Stupid. What he said. What he said. What he is talking about this month is what's your type? The blurb is good news for you folks who think guys are only into blue eyed blondes with knockout bodies and cool clothes. You know some people just have blonde hair and blue eyes and it doesn't mean anything about their character. I may say this for my beautiful co host.

[Sandy]

You know what I like? I like them batter bodies. Callback.

[Christina]

Yeah, just rude. I'm sorry Pam. You put up with a lot.

[Dave]

Jim, 19, Brooklyn born and bred Jimbo who studies computer science at the State University of New York at Binghamton. He makes croutons in his spare time. Likes to cook, read and ski. He has what his friends referred to as a special sense of humor and some pretty specific ideas about chicks too. There's a guy I don't like a girl who's real extreme, too aggressive or too passive. She should be somewhere in the middle. Also, she has to have a good personality. If I don't like a girl, then her looks really don't matter very much at all. Jim's just looking for a basic bitch. Can you please be kind of boring? Do not overpower me. Try not to have anything interesting to say that's more interesting than what I have to say. I don't know what it is I have to say, but please adjust accordingly. And it's great if you look good, but also whatever, just like try. So Jim, whoever you're married to, I just want to say I'm sorry and I hope she has not read this and or hope you're not married.

[Sandy]

I'm going to read you Justin's copy as it was first put down before they edited it. Just so everybody gets the real scoop.

[Christina]

Okay?

[Sandy]

Justin 16, New York boy. Justin, who likes to play tennis, saxophone and soccer all at the same time, says, that's all. That's what I suspect. I mean, look at him.

[Christina]

Yeah. Finally, our celebrity boy.

[Dave]

Yeah, Nick Cave writes thin, dysfunctional, neurotic. When they asked him if that's actually what he looks for in a woman, he only replied, that's what I always end up with. But I also think he started to his publicist with did they mean Nick Cage? That happens a lot with the teen mags. Could you, could you let them know they've reached the offices of Nick Cave because they want to know my type of woman. They mean Nick Cage. Please call them back.

[Sandy]

I gotta lay down this track with this tennis, saxophone, soccer player. Gotta go.

[Dave]

Help. What is douching, Dave?

[Sandy]

It's like when you're like actively being a dick.

[Dave]

Ding, ding, ding. 3,000 points for Dave. That is the only answer. Good job.

[Sandy]

Thanks. Oh, look at that. The notes actually said make Dave answer. I didn't know that was coming because I didn't read the notes. Uh huh. But also, douche also sounds like it could be like a nice vinaigrette.

[Christina]

You're so close.

[Dave]

That means you know a little about douching. You just didn't know where you put it in your head. That's douching. That's when you put a nice douching on top of the salad. A douche is usually a mixture of water and vinegar that you squeeze from a plastic container into your vagina to Quote, clean it. Dave.

[Sandy]

Yeah?

[Dave]

Is it a good idea to douche.

[Sandy]

Douche on the salad? Only if you add herbs and spices to put in.

[Dave]

In your. In your soul salad.

[Sandy]

Oh, soul salad.

[Dave]

Your vagina.

[Sandy]

I'm gonna say it probably isn't because that's not something, you know. I mean, you know, vinegar is not really something that the body creates naturally. So you probably don't want to clean yourself with it. It doesn't make sense. You got water?

[Christina]

What if it was.

[Sandy]

Yeah, Dave.

[Christina]

Well, what if you get good old malt vinegar out of your arm?

[Dave]

If you ate vinegar, can it get into your uterus?

[Sandy]

Dave, eat how?

[Dave]

I mean, if you drank. If it was in your salad dressing, can it get into your uterus?

[Sandy]

I mean, how messy are you?

[Christina]

Are you eating it naked and splashing a lot?

[Sandy]

What mouth are you using?

[Dave]

Just checking. Okay, technically it can if you have a fetus in there and there's an umbilical cord and you have had some vinegar. That was trick. That was a trick question.

[Sandy]

Oh boy. Some gotcha journalism from Pam.

[Christina]

I am obsessed with an actress and now it has been a year and I have collected 93 clippings about her. You call that obsession? Give me a fucking break. Go to the library. Go to the library. One town over. That 93 is nothing. Nothing, nothing. Sign your letter obsessed. Give me a break.

[Dave]

You have a mild interest.

[Sandy]

Yes, yes.

[Dave]

This may sound silly. I just got a new retainer and it covers the entire roof of my mouth. It's cemented in, so I'm not able to remove it. I'm really embarrassed about the possibility of it bothering a guy while we're French kissing.

[Sandy]

Do you think she has cement in her uterus?

[Dave]

Definitely confused about a cementing in retainer. Is it like one of those back bar things we build it to last?

[Christina]

No idea.

[Sandy]

Roscoe, Benny, get over here. We got a new retainer to build. Sledgehammering away. Here we go. That baby isn't going nowhere. You're gonna have some straight fucking teeth, lady.

[Dave]

It's just temporary situation. It's gonna be fine. We can totally kiss. It's okay, don't worry about it.

[Sandy]

Girl down the street, she got a non union job. She's got two mouths now. One goes to a stomach, the other straight to the uterus. You want that? I think so. Bi union.

[Dave]

So you like this new character? It's great help for him.

[Sandy]

Oh no. I don't know what I'm doing. Hey, help.

[Dave]

Is this normal?

[Christina]

I have a girl's always on time.

[Dave]

I finished Another retainer. But I could use some help while you're around. Yeah. What is douching? I have a girlfriend I love very much, but I have no sexual attraction to her whatsoever. When we make out, it almost doesn't seem worth it. Should I break up with her? Is there something wrong with me?

[Sandy]

Help.

[Dave]

So Sassy's like, look, at least you guys are good friends, and there's probably nothing wrong with you except for maybe you think making out is super, super more important than it is. Try basing your decisions on the emotions you do feel, not the physical stuff you don't. And maybe you'll be more attracted to her in. And if you don't ever want to jump her bones, you know, at least you. That's their phrasing. You know, that you value her. Ask, maybe talk to her. Nobody's mentioning her at all in this feminist magazine, so might, I don't know, check in on her? What if she's like, we make out all the time. It's great. Or, I don't really feel like he's into it. Let's just be friends.

[Sandy]

Just say it's good.

[Dave]

Don't dump her. And then make her wonder, was it something I said? I knew it was his retainer. I knew it.

[Sandy]

Girlfriend's mustache. Girlfriend's mustache. Something about my girlfriend really bugs me, but I'm afraid to say anything to her. She has a mustache. She's not the only woman with this problem. And it's not that obvious, but it bugs me. I can also feel it when we kiss. Is there any safe and not too painful way she can get rid of this thing? Signed, Peter.

[Christina]

By this thing, do you mean you? Mm.

[Sandy]

That is the question. Why not mix it up? Why not put an extra large sort of turn of the century ringmaster handlebar mustache on her with some spirit gum and spice it up? It's kind of sexy.

[Christina]

That is fun.

[Sandy]

I'm saying it's kind of sexy. She's there in her. I don't know, she's got like, a ringmaster outfit or something like that. She's like, you know, it's got the.

[Christina]

This is me.

[Dave]

Stuff you wrote.

[Christina]

Okay. Stuff you wrote.

[Dave]

Corey Clark of Albany, Oregon, asks, I want to know why, when there is a crisis in the Middle east, our president is out golfing. Corey, let me tell you, the future does not get brighter. For your question, you wouldn't believe what can happen during golfing soon and later and forever banned golfing.

[Christina]

Is that controversial? No.

[Dave]

Is golfing the problem? Let's get rid of it. It's a lot of land. It's a lot of land.

[Sandy]

I'm kind of impressed we discovered a new way to spell Cory. To be honest with you, K O R I. I hadn't seen that one before.

[Christina]

No. Fade away A hole in the sky, Acid in the rain Antarctica is dying out and whales are being slain. Endangered are the rainforests and the dolphins too. Pollution is a big concern. What else can we do? We can spill some oil and kill the human race. Pollute the earth a little more with radioactive waste. Prejudice is very common cause a violent scene. What hatred cuz of color? What does this all mean? Ignoring is the key. Just go about your day. But I am worried. If we don't hurry, the earth will fade away, says Sarah Cipherheld of Matthews, North Carolina. This is a lot of ideas and maybe the rhyming couplets are not the way to get them across because you're making it seem like a greeting card. And I don't think that is serving the story that you're trying to tell.

[Sandy]

A little less mirth may save the earth.

[Dave]

There you go.

[Christina]

Yep, thanks.

[Sandy]

Amy Williams is up next. Descartes spent all of his life testing everything only to prove one thing. I think, therefore I am. Pee Wee Herman ruined Descartes whole philosophy with one line that made him famous. I know you are, but what am I? I. Shut up, Amy.

[Christina]

Mm.

[Dave]

Often stuff you wrote category of White girl stares out window and writes poem the cardboard hat outside my window I see him again the man with the cardboard hat he stands on the corner playing his guitar he's always there in rain, sleet or snow Playing his old guitar he knows many songs but not their words if he did, he'd sing of love and pain I can tell by his cardboard hat. Sarah Fieldsend Aurora, Ontario, Canada.

[Sandy]

Well, hang on.

[Dave]

We were always just so grounded and full of the need to write poetry.

[Christina]

Yeah. So that's what you get. But. But explain the cardboard hat. Is it like a crown from Burger King? Like, is it just a piece of.

[Sandy]

Cardboard on his head? Or is he constructed a baseball cap out of cardboard, like, with a little New York Yankees logo in cardboard as well? Like, what is the fidelity of the hat here?

[Dave]

Yeah, I mean, he could be wearing a shoebox hat, you know, if I assumed it was found, I didn't think of it as the Burger King crown, which is a cardboard hat. I guess it could be.

[Christina]

It's a King hat.

[Dave]

No, because the guitar, I imagine it's a lot of. It's like a whole box. So that his guitar doesn't get wet while he's out there. He's always there in rain slang or snow songs. Yeah. He just doesn't know any of the words.

[Sandy]

I think this person recently watched the video for Living in a Box by Living in a Box and this is the poem that came out of it. Because he lived in a box. He's living in a cardboard box.

[Christina]

That song. I don't know where she could be in Aurora that she would see a busker. Honestly.

[Sandy]

That's right. Aurora, Ontario, Canada. Not a big town.

[Dave]

No. Is it affluent?

[Christina]

No. It's like a Toronto excerpt. Right.

[Sandy]

It's pretty gassy.

[Dave]

I don't know what you guys are mean. What is an excerpt and what is a gassy town?

[Sandy]

Oh, oh, you said affluent. I said it's a pretty gassy town.

[Christina]

Exurb. Like an. Like an outer suburb. Yeah. Jennifer of Medford, New Jersey has the last word this month. Will someone please tell Robert Smith from the Cure to use a lip liner? Now, I see her point, but this is just a better line if it's and and this is not her fault. This. She grew up in a time when she didn't have to craft these kinds of jokes for Twitter or the like. Because will someone please get Robert Smith a lip liner? Is. That's the line. It just needed another draft. You were almost there, but then not quite.

[Sandy]

Overall, there is one innovation to discuss about stuff you wrote this month.

[Christina]

Okay.

[Sandy]

Which is the introduction of the hand type typewriter font for some of these poems, which really bring it home. Really bring home that DIY teen flavor.

[Christina]

Next time, we're going to take a little break for the holidays, but you will still get episodes on the feed for December 24th, we're going into the Vault and digging out our Hawaii Travel episode from 2009. Long term fans will know this as the Tandoori lady episode. It's coming back. Then on January 7th, we'll bring you our episode from our first Eat Through Austin trip. Also 2009, maybe you are, like I said, a super fan who's already heard them when they came out. Well, hear them again. It won't kill you or tell a friend to listen to it. But after those two episodes, we'll be back to our regular schedule, talking about the pop culture topics of the January 1991 issue. What now features a Keanu Reeves update. Prince and Mermaids get reviewed, your picks from the entertainment poll are revealed, and more. And you will hear that January 21, 2025. And we'll be back on our regular schedule.

[Sandy]

After that, you can follow this podcast on [e-mail] you can support us on Patreon that listen to Sassy Club is always open and it is $5 a month. You you get the full issue PDF, you get access to the Discord ad free episodes and of course the latest scoop on the heaviest thing that's in banks vagina.

[Dave]

You'll never guess. 720sassy. Go. Give us a guess. What do you think's in there? Is it an Oscar? Let's hope.

[Sandy]

I think it's an unopened can of ginger ale.

[Dave]

Fizzy.