July 1991 Fashion Etc.: Red, White & Blue (And Gray)

Summary

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s

Episode: July 1991 Fashion Etc.: Red, White & Blue (And Gray)

Release Date: January 6, 2026
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, David T. Cole

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Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, the Listen To Sassy crew dives into the July 1991 issue of Sassy Magazine, exploring the holiday-themed fashion spreads, DIY disasters, beauty tips, back-to-school style previews, and the unforgettable “most embarrassing menstrual moment” contest results. Along the way, they reflect on the magazine’s editorial choices, the fashion sensibilities of the era, and their own ‘90s teen memories. The episode brims with the hosts’ trademark humor and deep affection for (and teasing of) Gen-X nostalgia.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The July 1991 Cover & Model Interview

[02:49–04:14]

• Model Rochelle’s Interview:
  • Rare to see a Black model featured on Sassy’s cover.
  • Rochelle rebuffs the Fourth of July theme:
    • “January 1st is more of an Independence Day for me because that’s when the Emancipation Proclamation was signed. Oh, get it? Rochelle. Rochelle.”
  • Hosts praise her for shutting down the “pro-America” line of questioning.
• Fashion Details:
  • Flag-print bustier and pants.
  • The interview shifts focus to her makeup and outfits after she resists forced patriotism.

Pam (03:50): “One of the few Black models on the cover of Sassy, really shutting down this line of inquiry. They’re like, well, here’s what makeup she was wearing, I guess.”

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2. Fashion Feature #1: "Gray Matters"

[04:14–08:18]

• All About Gray:
  • 'Gray' as July’s color trend, with pieces (jokingly) indiscernible in black-and-white photos.
  • Photography and styling critiqued for muddiness and lack of clarity.
• Photo Layout Woes:
  • Confusing captions (“left girl” / “right girl”) and directionality.
• Runaway Outfits:
  • Wild accessories: rope, branches, and a silver knife from Tiffany, perplexing the hosts.
• EVERGLADES PHOTO SHOOT:
  • Models shot among Florida’s giant flora and fauna, with unexplained props.
• Sassy Beauty Tip:
  • Avon Skin So Soft as an Everglades mosquito repellant.
  • Pam recalls knowing that from “the ‘90s but not because of Sassy.”

Dave (05:03): “She fell down from the crow’s nest on a ship and just, like, gathered ship-related detritus. Ropes, rigging, pulleys. And then she landed in a car.”

Pam (08:17): “It really does work and it’s better – like kids will wear it because it doesn’t smell, you know, chemically.”

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3. Fashion Feature #2: "Burn, Baby" (Flag Prints and Americana Overload)

[10:29–13:08]

• Americana Overdrive:
  • Garments saturated in flag print, worn by a second Black model (again, evidently reluctant).
  • A “Flavor Flav poofy American flag hat” ridiculed for looking ridiculous.
• Unflattering Styles:
  • Hosts joke that the looks are only fit for a rave or an Austin Powers party scene.
  • Noted lack of wearability or aspirational impact for Gen-X teens.

Pam (11:28): “They make her look ridiculous because she’s got all her hair piled up on top of her head. And then they, like, just perch a Flavor Flav American flag square poofy hat on the top of it. It looks so stupid.”

Andrea (12:52): "These American flag shorts, everything is silly. Every hat dumber than the last."

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4. DIY Disaster: "Dress Yourself"

[15:18–17:01]

• Home-sewn Dress Instructions:
  • Hosts skewer the “Make a dress out of T-shirt and skirt” project for “ruining two garments.”
  • Bad construction impossible to hide, even in the magazine photo.
  • Universal sentiment: few readers could make such an outfit look good (or even wearable).

Andrea (16:23): “You have ruined two outfits.”

Pam (16:39): “You can – they can’t hide the construction mistakes … you’ve on-here-waisted this thing … just stuck a sack with sleeves.”

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5. Back to School Preview: Summer’s End Looms

[17:01–19:26]

• Bandana prints out, plaid in; but both mocked for looking dated or dowdy.
• Plaid blazers: Get a pass for Beverly Hills 90210 vibes but most pieces feel “miserable” or outdated.
• Desert boots: Reminisced as a coveted item.
• Red plaid bomber jacket/shorts set: Hosts call it “Clueless before Clueless.”

Pam (19:26): “Plaid for back to school. Groundbreaking. Classic.”

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6. Short Beauty Tips: “Take it Off/Beauty Credos”

[19:26–24:07]

• Hot Weather Makeup Advice:
  • Wash your face “whenever you’re slick” — criticized by Pam for its lack of realism.
  • “Try not to wear so much makeup in the summer. It’s hot.”
• Yogurt Mask DIY:
  • Suggested as a universal soother, but Pam recounts disastrous lactic-acid-fueled rashes.
  • Hosts joke about sheep’s milk (“a.k.a. Greek yogurt”) and dubious “SPF 13” City Block sunblock.

Pam (20:58): “It’s hot out. Wear less of it.”

Andrea (21:48): “When you do this and you’re a Pam, the lactic acid in yogurt – flames on the side of your face … you turn bright red and rashy and it hurts.”

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7. Zits and Stuff: The Fake Tan Conundrum ("Carrot Juice Myth")

[24:36–24:08]

• Advice letter suggests “drink carrot juice every day to get some color.”
• Hosts debunk (and joke about) the claim, recounting “carrot palms” and orange skin.
• Echo broader trend: magazine beauty and health advice is only sometimes grounded in reality.

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8. Sassy-branded Products & Gen-X Ephemera

Sassaby (Caboodles ripoff organizer)

[24:40–26:14]

• Hosts call it an “unnecessary lunchbox that lets you have fewer things organized.”
• Bizarre Egyptian-style branding called out.

Andre Agassi’s Fan Club

[26:14–27:18]

• Two-page spread for tennis pro Andre Agassi’s fan club.
• Dumbfounded at his popularity among teen girls in 1991.

Sassy Board Game:

[27:18–28:07]

• Double-page ad for “the Sassy Experience.”
• No one on the podcast has played it, but interest in remote play is piqued.

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9. Icarus Magazine Ad

[28:07–29:27]

• “Serious, not boring” quarterly targeting teens with gritty topics (apartheid, street gangs, war).
• Hosts poke fun at the heavy-handed messaging and the presence of a mime in the ad.

Andrea (29:27): “Who put the mime in there? Who put the mime in there?”

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10. Period Stories: Playtex's Most Embarrassing Menstrual Moments Contest

[31:17–34:51]

• Prizes Awarded: Winner receives $1000; runners-up, $125.
• Winning Stories: Range from tampons mistaken for sinus inhalers, to performances in see-through leotards, to a dog presenting a guest with a used pad at a dinner party.
• Hosts read and riff on each in turn, connecting with universal menstruation embarrassment.
• Notable quote from a grand prize winner’s reaction: “At that moment, I would have preferred death.” (34:43)

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11. Mail Order Modeling School Scams and True Crime Sidebar

[35:42–40:52]

• Modeling Scam Awareness: Feature on the pitfalls of mail-order “modeling schools” and related rip-offs.
• Follow-up on the author: Hosts recount their research and discover “Patty Farrel,” the modeling advice author, was later infamously involved in a wedding-crash, revenge, and internet harassment scandal (incl. doctored photos and iguana references).
• The story’s escalation and bizarre email to her ex-boyfriend and police (“thank you for sending the two delicious detectives over today … he hopped away with only a part of a leg and several fingers missing”) is a highlight.

Andrea (39:04): “How is this not a movie? Pam, please write this.”

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12. Tarot Hotlines, Alternative Schools, and Letters Section

[41:02–45:47]

• Alexandra’s tarot line ad dissected for its misleading photo and multi-purpose phone line (tarot, Chinese horoscope, moon sign).
• A letter from a girl attending a tiny, alternative “Harmony” school in Indiana spurs research and classic Sassy-style aspiration/critique.

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13. Closing and Preview

[45:56–47:32]

• Next episode will be a mega “slumber party” covering Sassy’s quizzes from June and July ‘91.
• Listeners are encouraged to call in with their Sassy stories.
• Social handles (now on Bluesky), and sign-off in true, breezy Sassy fashion.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Pam (03:50): “One of the few Black models on the cover of Sassy, really shutting down this line of inquiry.”
• Dave (05:03): “She fell down from the crow’s nest on a ship and just, like, gathered ship-related detritus. Ropes, rigging, pulleys.”
• Andrea (12:52): “Every hat dumber than the last … they all look like they should be in the background of a party scene in Austin Powers.”
• Andrea (16:23): “You have ruined two outfits.”
• Pam (19:26): “Plaid for back to school. Groundbreaking. Classic.”
• Andrea (21:48): “[Yogurt mask] … lactic acid in yogurt – flames on the side of your face … you turn bright red and rashy and it hurts.”
• Andrea (29:27): “Who put the mime in there? Who put the mime in there?”
• Pam (34:43): “At that moment, I would have preferred death.”
• Andrea (39:04): “How is this not a movie? Pam, please write this.”

---

Timestamps For Important Segments

| Time | Segment | |----------|-----------------------------------------------------------| | 02:49 | Rochelle Cover Interview & Fourth of July Fashion | | 04:14 | "Gray Matters" Fashion Spread / Caption Confusion | | 08:17 | Avon Skin So Soft beauty tip | | 10:29 | "Burn, Baby" – Stars/Stripes Fashion Skewered | | 15:18 | DIY Disaster: Dress Yourself | | 17:01 | Summer-to-Fall “What Next” Preview (Plaid!) | | 19:26 | Beauty Tips & Yogurt Mask Disaster | | 24:36 | Pale Girls and the Carrot Juice Myth | | 24:40 | Sassaby (Caboodles Competitor) Ad Breakdown | | 26:14 | Andre Agassi Fan Club Mania | | 27:18 | Sassy Board Game Ad | | 28:07 | Icarus Teen Magazine Joke | | 31:17 | Most Embarrassing Period Stories Contest | | 35:42 | Modeling Scams & The Patty Farrel True Crime Story | | 41:02 | Tarot Hotlines, Letters, and Alternative School | | 45:56 | Next Episode Tease & Community Call-Out |

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Overall Tone & Style

Authentic, irreverent, arch, and affectionate toward its subject matter. The conversation is filled with jokes, nostalgia, and editorial asides that will resonate most with Gen-Xers (and Sassy magazine fans), but remains entertaining throughout.

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Transcript

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[Pam]

To change.

[Dave]

The image of a Rebel, change lenses. You've got the Rebel camera.

[Pam]

Now push it.

[Dave]

With the whole line of EOS lenses. Hit it, Andre.

[Pam]

Image is everything.

[Dave]

Eos Rebel in Lenses from Canon so advanced it's simple. It is July 1991. Jovan Musk plans a sequel to his controversial what is sexy? Ad, which will feature a big still photo of Loren Greene as Commander Adama from the original Battlestar Galactica with a big question mark over it. You don't care about all that because there's a flaming bag of dog poop at your door. Instead of a handsome snake wanting boy, the one your first thought is to stamp out the fire. But then you remember that's the classic flaming bag of dog poop mistake. Then you consider pouring a glass of water over it, but then you'd have dog poo soup to deal with. Just when it seems like your house was destined to burn down, a silhouette appears walking up the path with a shovel, shouting, can I get that for you? He walks closer, the fire hinting at the contours of his cheekbones and his hair. This is it. He's almost in view. It's snake boyfriend time. He steps into the light. Oh my God, he's ugly. Yes, it's time to.

[Pam]

Oh, listen to sassy God. Take that next diary entry. Writer. Whoever it is, other than the diarist who it obviously is, who could say, all right, let's. Let's get into the Fashion topics, shall we? Of July, 1991. Our cover model is Rochelle. She was photographed by George Holtz.

[Dave]

George Holtz.

[Pam]

Thank you. She doesn't really have any particular Fourth of July memory. She is, of course, on the COVID in a flag print.

[Andrea]

So many flags.

[Pam]

Bustier, bra. Hard to tell based on the way she's lying down. And pants. Do you own anything red, white, and blue? No, I sure don't. And then they ask her, what does the 4th of July mean to you? Rochelle says, it's okay, but January 1st is more of an Independence Day for me because that's when the Emancipation Proclamation was signed. Oh, get it? Rochelle. Rochelle.

[Andrea]

Right in their face.

[Pam]

One of the few black models on the COVID of Sassy. Really shutting down this line of inquiry. They're like, well, here's what makeup she was wearing, I guess. Moving on.

[Andrea]

Yes. Well, her Fourth of July question I thought was also good. Like, what's the most fun you've ever had? She's like, well, that's my aunt's birthday once, about nine years ago, we had a pool party and a barbecue. Like you're just not getting anything out of herself. No pro, America.

[Pam]

Nope.

[Andrea]

I like it.

[Pam]

I like it, too. Fashion feature number one, Gray matters. This is a classic. Y' all hear this color. It's gray. And everything we picked is gray. And a lot of these pictures are also in black and white, so you can assume they're gray. As far as you know they are. It's up to you where you.

[Dave]

Double gray.

[Pam]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dave]

Double gray plus.

[Pam]

Indeed.

[Dave]

Double gray plus, slash, minus. So it cancel each other out. Tell my wife I said hello.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Andrea]

On the first one, you can't even see what she's wearing. So you just have to take your word for the whole description of all these clothes she's apparently wearing. But you cannot see it because it's just her tucked out of the side of a car.

[Dave]

You talk about the first photo, right?

[Andrea]

Yes.

[Dave]

It looks like she got. She fell down from the crow's nest on a ship and just, like, gathered ship related detritus. Ropes, rigging, pullings.

[Andrea]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And then she landed in a car.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Andrea]

Yeah. She's trying to escape. Yeah. Seaweed. Just a bunch of stuff that's all around her.

[Dave]

I'm married to the sea now.

[Andrea]

Yeah. Later we find out what it all actually looks like. But there's no hint of that when you're just. When they're describing girl in car over there. And then now there are two girls. That means this page. And so then they have to be left girl first, right girl. And I was like. I remember when I did this in the yearbook. And my yearbook teacher was like, pam, this is so confusing. And I was like, this is cool. This is the future of copy and journalism. I'm of the now. And now I'm reading it older than my yearbook book editor was and thinking, this is very annoying.

[Dave]

Did you look him up, offer him an apology?

[Andrea]

First of all, and Dr. Was a woman.

[Dave]

Dave, I'm sorry. No, no. Thank you. In this yearbook.

[Pam]

Page 42, Running Girl, Wild West. Jinta dress, truly named after our own fashion editor. $285 by T. Morgan. Pet, I think worn over a grave rib tank. Matching leggings, necklaces from Craft Caravan, silver knife from Tiffany and Company. What? Where? What are you talking about?

[Andrea]

I don't see it.

[Pam]

And then she's holding something, and I have no idea what they are. Are those like branches with feathery leaves on the end? I don't understand what I'm looking at.

[Dave]

There's one in the tree still.

[Andrea]

Oh, that's not. Just off to the side of the. Oh, they're big nests.

[Pam]

Yeah, nests, maybe.

[Dave]

Yeah, maybe there's some smaller versions of these that are just parasites that are basically moss, leech and kind of things. But I don't know what this is. Could be just a very large version of that because. Where are they? Florida probably.

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[Andrea]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah. The Everglades of Florida. Yeah. I mean, things are gigantic there. The flies are the size of your fist.

[Andrea]

Well, I think she's wearing the knife and it's tucked into this $300 dress. And so it's like hitting her dangerously close to her midsection as she runs.

[Dave]

She looks like she's the wife of the postman from the movie the Postman, kind of. She doesn't really, you know, have to deal with the worst of society. But all her dresses are also made out of mailbags.

[Pam]

It's not cute. I'll just say it then on page 43. Beside that, they have a little beauty lesson break for everything they did, makeup wise. While shooting in the aforementioned Everglades of Florida, just by accident, we discovered that you can ban bugs without dangerous stinging chemicals by smoothing on some Avon skin. So soft, which is actually bath oil, but really grosses flies and mosquitoes out for some unknown laboratory type reason. This is true, and this is something I have known since the 90s and not because of sassy and the way they phrase it. Sort of seem like they found this out.

[Dave]

Another sassy first.

[Pam]

Yeah. Anyway, I'M pretty sure this was, this was a known side effect of Avon skin so soft. But you know who didn't know about it? Pamela Riven.

[Dave]

If you don't like to use deodorant, just put a tomato slice in your armpits. Another sassy fur.

[Pam]

Anyway, it really does work and it's better like kids will wear it because it doesn't smell, you know, chemically.

[Andrea]

What's in it?

[Pam]

I don't know.

[Dave]

Pickles.

[Pam]

Magic. All right then on page 44 it's like, you know, a grid of four photos and all of the captions are on the facing page and they start them, the descriptions clockwise from top right. That's not how it works. You go clockwise from top left and then all the way around the clock. So it was. I could not understand what they were describing because they're like, you know, this bra top is clearly the same gingham bikini top from the very first page that was described but not shown. It's really bad.

[Dave]

Rotate it top wise.

[Pam]

Yes, exactly. Also don't put the two bras side by side. Put them like diagonal from each other. Do I have to do everything?

[Andrea]

Well, this look on the other page for Leaning Girl is one that I. That's all I really want to do is wear like a sweater full of holes and lace that's sort of delicate over. Can you imagine just wearing like bike shorts?

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Andrea]

Can't imagine wearing bike shorts in public with like my, my little see through. I guess she's wearing like even better, a singlet.

[Pam]

Like. Yes, it's a bodysuit. You have to take the whole. It's the bodysuit problem again. Fucking romper.

[Andrea]

Take the whole thing off to do the pee pees.

[Pam]

Bam.

[Andrea]

She's got to hang the sweater up.

[Pam]

Uh huh.

[Andrea]

And then she's carrying around a fisherman's bag for her things. So that's an issue too.

[Dave]

I'll be back in two hours. Yeah, I have to take a pee.

[Andrea]

Nothing can touch the floor and what she's wearing.

[Dave]

So that's a bag of clams.

[Andrea]

It's a bag of clams.

[Dave]

Clams.

[Andrea]

You've helped me. You've helped me. No longer covet this look.

[Pam]

Yeah, don't clams, you're better off.

[Andrea]

Fashion feature number two is called Burn Baby and it's about burning fireworks, I guess, or the flag or the country. I don't know. It's very of the now Burn Baby. But in this case it is this poor model dressed up in clothes you're not going to buy or wear unless you are in a rave and. Or like, Jesus Jones. I don't know. I don't know when you're gonna wear any of this.

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[Pam]

It's all. It's all flag print everything. And they've gotten. It's not even the one. The. It's not even Rochelle from the COVID It's a different black model, I assume, also wearing these garments under protest, the way Rochelle seemed to be.

[Andrea]

Yeah, they were like, look, we got two black models, and we've made this one also ridiculous. In these outfits that are impossible to wear. They have to be completely perfect. This is a completely flawless body to be pulling off this Americana skin suit dress.

[Pam]

And yet on page 50, they even. Yes, thank you. The hat. They make her look ridiculous because she's got all her hair piled up on top of her head. And then they, like, just perch a Flavor Flav American flag square, poofy hat on the top of it. It looks so stupid.

[Dave]

It looks like a Max Headroom render.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Andrea]

Yeah. It's like a thing that you put on top of a. Like a pylon in school to show, like, a light state. Like, this is, you know, to show an entrance to a castle or something and is not hat shaped.

[Pam]

I'd also like to just correct myself. My Canadian ness showed through. I know his name is not Flavor Flav. It's Flava Flav. And I apologize to the Flav family.

[Andrea]

That's just formal. It's the formal setting. You don't know him. So you're being a little more Mr. Flav.

[Dave]

In this house. We wear grandfather clocks around our necks.

[Andrea]

Oh, my gosh. This thing is also so many pages of clothes you're not buying or wearing or even ripping out and putting on your wall because they're not lit enough. Everybody's in a. It looks like when you're like, America, like a teen show, like, on the stage, you're like, america. Are we still America? Look at yourselves. America. Just so you could put fireworks on stage. Nothing. These American flag shorts, everything is silly. Every hat dumber than the last.

[Pam]

They. They all look like they should be in the background of a party scene in Austin Powers.

[Dave]

To me, that's true.

[Andrea]

It's very Laughing. Let's. Oh, my God. I'm still scrolling them. Let's just move on.

[Pam]

There's only six pages. That's the normal number of pages, but it doesn't feel like more.

[Andrea]

Seems so long.

[Pam]

I.

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[Andrea]

Let's dress ourselves. Oh, let's. Okay, so dress yourself. This making it this month is by Andrea and Karen. I don't know why you need two people to give bad advice. Dress yourself is. First of all, you see how uncomfortable the model is in this outfit. And I'll tell you why. A truly comfortable dress is just one of those things you can't have enough of. Sort of like potato chips. So we've decided to show you how to make some for yourself. It says go get a thick cotton tee or a Snug cotton Lycra shirt. The fabric needs to be strong enough to support the weight of an attached skirt. Then cut that shirt right under your boobs. And again really should be more specific about that. Like it says 4 inches below your bust but I don't know, depends on the bust. Then turn it inside out. Turn it doesn't even tell you what skirt. Just get a skirt with a gathered waist, some scissors, pin all that stuff together, then sew it, turn it inside out and you're good. No, you're not. Zoom in on this picture and you will see that is what your hem is going to look like following this advice. It is so sad. It's bunched and it's ragged. It's. It's a hot mess. You are not wearing this to school. You've ruined two outfits.

[Pam]

Yes. @ least it's a classic making it in that. It has ruined two garments that were fine on their own before, as you say. Yeah, you're right. Even in this photo you can. They can't hide the construction mistakes of the. The waistline between the. The shirt and the.

[Andrea]

Skirt. And you can't put a belt there because you've on here waisted this thing. So you're just stuck a sack with sleeves and. And your mom's mad because you went to back to school shopping and now you know this was supposed to be for the first day of school. It's over. Nope, you're not going to wear it because you know it looks bad on you. So you just hide it in the back of your.

[Pam]

Closet. What next? Almost time. Not to bum you out or anything, but the S word is creeping up on you. It's okay though. Expend some eyesight on this preview. What's in store clothing wise for back to school. And we promise it'll still be summer when you're done. So this was the thing last month where it was all bandana and country prints and we said they were ridiculous and this is all plaids and they're not much better. The mostly brown Wool Patchwork Blazer 100 by Juju. This model also looks miserable by the way in most of these shots, including this one. Although this blazer is extremely Beverly Hills 90210 coated. I'm sure I've seen Kelly Taylor in this thing. The wool blanket coat I feel like has aged better. That one looks like something you could still wear today and not look like an asshole or like you're in a 90s sitcom or.

[Dave]

Something. You with a coat.

[Pam]

You the desert Boots are something I coveted and never had. This was a very, very hot item at my performing arts school that I went.

[Andrea]

To. I had.

[Dave]

These. Oh, desert boots are the best. I said mine. Mine were just. I don't remember desert boots having these ballet things on.

[Pam]

Top. Well, that may be just a girl.

[Andrea]

Thing. Yeah, the Keds. Mine did. And you could. You could put it around your ankle if you wanted, but really, you were just supposed to tie it like that. They were all that green.

[Dave]

Suede. Probably a less supportive shoe you cannot find than the desert shoe. It was basically just a piece of Saran wrap over your foot. But they look.

[Pam]

Cool. The best outfit on this page, I'm going to say, is the somehow not a set. Red plaid bomber jacket and shorts that are exactly the same plaid or nearly. She looks very cool, but she also looks like clueless before.

[Andrea]

Clueless. That's true. Next to her, the worst one I'm aware of. I'm gonna wear flannel shorts, short.

[Dave]

Coveralls. I like the paint. Yeah, that's the.

[Pam]

Sun. Yeah, she does look like kindergarten, especially with her hair down like.

[Dave]

That. But you always see patterns. Like, I had identical patterns I've seen people wear. And then I'm like, where the hell have I seen that? Oh, yeah, right. My couch. It was the same fabric as, like. It was the same pattern as my couch. Like, not close. Not kinda. It was absolutely the same pattern. I was like, oh, you're wearing my.

[Pam]

Couch. Well, plaid for back to school. Groundbreaking classic. Beauty feature number one slash number only. Just a shorty this month. One page and one photo. Take it off in the next time. Here's a bunch of sweaty seasoned beauty credos to help you decide which makeup and treatments can stay and which. Have got to go for skin, they say off big shine. To get yourself out of that place of, you know, slick city. Wash your face whenever you're feeling slick. You know what? I have a job. Like, I can't wash my face every single. I mean, I can because I work from home, but when I was working at the library in 1991, I could not just go wash my face whenever I was.

[Dave]

Oiling. Open a.

[Pam]

Book. Open the book and blot block the pages. Yeah, that would.

[Dave]

Work. You get those old books from the 50s with those thick pages and all rough cut in the.

[Pam]

Edges. Yeah, you're.

[Dave]

Good. You're.

[Pam]

Golden. Or a cookbook someone borrowed. Just make the people think they just slobbed olive oil in it. But no, it's the imprint of my.

[Andrea]

Face. Me that's very.

[Pam]

Smart.

[Andrea]

Yeah. They tell you what to do when it's hot and you're wearing lashes. But like, why not? They don't even mention waterproof mascara. I don't. I don't get that one at all. It was an easy, low hanging fruit.

[Pam]

There.

[Andrea]

Yep. And it's also like a lot of stuff that is like, well, try not to wear so much makeup. Just over and over again. Like, don't wear as much.

[Pam]

Makeup. It's hot.

[Andrea]

Out. Wear less of it. About face, about face. Lady Gaga's first version. Yogurt face is about sometimes, Sometimes the grossest looking things feel the greatest. Take this yogurt facial treat, please. All you have to do is get yourself a huge tub of whole sheep's milk yogurt. Save that wimpy, low fat stuff for your stomach and keep it on standby in the fridge for when your skin feels dredgy. You can use a palm full of yogurt to wash your face or leave it on like a mask and let the coolness wake up your skin as the fatty ingredients in the yogurt moisturize. It works no matter what brand of skin you've got. At the end there is the full lie. Because when you do this and you're a pam, the lactic acid in.

[Pam]

Yogurt flames on the side of your.

[Andrea]

Face and the forehead and the chin and you turn bright red and rashy and it.

[Dave]

Hurts. So is that because you're using raspberry yogurt instead of.

[Andrea]

Plain? Oh, maybe. It might be. It might have been I put pizza sauce on my face because we didn't have any.

[Pam]

Yogurt. If you want to chance it though, listener, and you probably already know this, but sheep's milk yogurt is also known as Greek yogurt. As cool as the name. This month's prize for the new product with the best name has to be handed to cliniques. Sarah City Block. I agree. This works on me. It's. It is sunblock called City Block. It's a tour. It's cute. Little pun there. Good job, Clinique. However, 13 SPF is not going to do anything. You might as well just put milk on your.

[Dave]

Face. The lacroix of.

[Pam]

Sunblock.

[Andrea]

Yes. Over at Zits and Stuff. Tanner, please. And then the second one is paler, please. Like at first you're like, I don't understand why this says this. So you have to get to the second letter, which is paler, please, but so tanner, please. My skin is so white that I look like a ghost or Like, I have no blood. My doctor said blur. My doctor suggested I drink carrot juice every day to get some color. Unfortunately, it turned my stomach. Whenever I try to tan in the sun, I end up burning. How can I get some color in an easy, pleasant way? Please help Karen Ghost. I was like, what? But apparently, yeah, if you eat some carrots. And, like, by that, I mean a lot of carrots. Like, so much carrots that you're juicing carrots and drinking them every day for about a month to three, you will turn a little orange, including the palms of your hands. And that's a real telltale that you are oranging up. It's not tan. It's orange. It's zits and stuff. Banner orange, it's burnt orange, longhorn orange on the palms of your hands. So I don't know. Just like they say, you know, you should consider yourself lucky that you burn. Hopefully that'll be incentive enough to keep you from lying around soaking up those cancerous rays all summer. I guess that's what they mean. You're lucky enough that you'll burn so you'll know to go inside. I don't know. Then they're like, just try some tinted moisturizer. My God. And put a fake tanner on or something. Like, why would you drink endless carrot.

[Pam]

Juice?

[Andrea]

Yeah. Anyway, I think it's weird that a doctor would suggest it. Did you know about carrot.

[Pam]

Juice? I feel like I knew that at some.

[Dave]

Point. Smash cut to the doctor. It's a.

[Pam]

Rabbit. And then it comes on to that boy from help for.

[Dave]

Him. Yeah, that's good. Eat carrots and hump that.

[Pam]

Kid. Let's talk about.

[Dave]

A. It's making.

[Andrea]

Money. We're gonna start with Sassaby, which sounds like Sassy decided to make a Caboodles ripoff. Because that's what this is. It's just an entirely new species of organizers. It's a caboodle. It's a caboodle. There's nothing different about it, except it looks more like a lunchbox than a tackle box. So if anything, it lets you have fewer things organized in your life. And Sasebe has an email, has an address. That's just Sasebee Del Mar, California. I don't know how you find.

[Pam]

Them. Well, right, I guess. Yes. No zip code either. Just a phone.

[Andrea]

Number. Just Sassaby in Del Mar. Yeah. And a phone number. This was funny to me because it has nothing to do with Sassy at all. And the tagline is it has to be a Sassaby. And then the the logo. Look at the Egyptian logo for no.

[Pam]

Reason. Yeah, I mean, maybe that's what the earrings are referencing, but these earrings have everything going.

[Dave]

On. Surfing on a crocodile. That's cool. Yeah, surf like an.

[Pam]

Egyptian. Don't know about.

[Dave]

That. What are the red worms coming out of the caboodle at the bottom.

[Pam]

Please? I think those are the connectors between the.

[Dave]

Trays. They look like little hot dogs. Oh, I see. It's the actual mechanics of it. Okay.

[Andrea]

Yeah. Oh, they're the hinges. Yeah, I totally thought they were the hair ties that curl up your.

[Dave]

Hair. I hold them up with hot.

[Pam]

Dogs. No, they do look like hot.

[Dave]

Dogs. Hot dogs. I'm a little boy. Like little hot.

[Andrea]

Dogs. Okay, okay.

[Dave]

Okay. All.

[Pam]

Right. Flip to page 20 to see a full page photo of Andre Agassiz in his bemolleted prime. Find Andre in your mailbox. Join Andre's Court Club and your friendly mailperson will bring you lots of really cool stuff. A cool T shirt, extremely cool newsletters. Well, cooler than the T shirt. It sounds like a really, really cool poster. Ditto a membership certificate. A cool one, A cool photo and a cool letter. Really cool members only stuff. It is insane to me that that Andre Agassi was so popular in 1991, people would pay enough $17 for them to have a double page spread for his fan club. He was a really big.

[Dave]

Deal. Yeah, that's.

[Andrea]

Weird. You think they get a photo that's in focus if it's going to be a whole.

[Pam]

Page?

[Dave]

Yeah. Perhaps some motion.

[Pam]

Blur. Well, he was always moving because he was addicted to crack at this.

[Dave]

Time. Oh, good for him. Good for him. But bad begotten, Trapped in the.

[Pam]

Mailbox. Or meth. Probably some kind of speed. Anyway, it was a bad time. I have not read his memoir, but apparently he goes into it in detail. Page 34 and 35. We've got again another double page spread, but they probably got a deal on this one for the Sassy Experience. The sassy board game that we own and have never played, I also own, including testimonials from such unbiased people as Karen, Christina, Jane and Andrea, all playing the game on the floo of one of their apartments, I assume. Is this game fun? I have no idea. Colin. 720 sassy go. @ least one of you listening has probably.

[Dave]

Played it. Oh, we can.

[Pam]

Play it.

[Dave]

That's true. We can play it like people play chess remotely. We each have our own boards. We just, you know, we could do lipstick.

[Andrea]

To M3. Lipstick to M3. I don't know, back in that mini mag, we have an ad for Icarus. I can't remember if we talked about.

[Dave]

This before. I don't.

[Andrea]

Think so. I feel like it came. Oh, I know what it is. It's that it came up in like an earlier oh, and.

[Pam]

What now? May 91.

[Andrea]

What now? It's serious literature for teenagers. We are serious, but never boring. Apartheid, street gangs, war, this planet. Pretty serious. But you know, this stuff affects you. It's the world you live in, after all. And Icarus will help you get a grip on it. Short stories, photographs, and real life recollections from people of all ages, all walks of life, every country imaginable. Four times a year. January, April, July and October will never be the same. You live in this world. So read about it. Look at it through someone else's eyes and think things you never thought before. Icarus, the serious, not boring quarterly paperback magazine. And then there's a.

[Pam]

Mime.

[Dave]

Yeah. Boop. That's the noise he doesn't make coming out of the corner of.

[Pam]

The frame. He looks serious and boring.

[Andrea]

To me. He looks serious and boring four times a year. One year costs $30.55 for this zine. There's a phone number or in New York State, you can call collect or send your check or money order to Icarus. We're serious, not boring. I feel like they must.

[Pam]

Have been called boring too.

[Dave]

Many times. No, we're not. No, we're.

[Andrea]

Not. No. It looks like when they see the ad, they're like, who put the mime in there? Who put the mime in there? Like, I didn't mean to. I was just a joke. I was going to take it off before. Was.

[Pam]

It you?

[Andrea]

Jean Claude? He's.

[Pam]

Not.

[Andrea]

Talking. No. On page 74 we have an ad for Capitol Records. It's like going away for the weekend. Don't forget to pack the necessities. It's like an overturned weekender bag with a hat and a brush and a Walkman and a Sassy magazine and various things and four, five cassette tapes because that's what it's an ad for. School of Fish, Crowded House, Tracy Spencer, the Cave Dogs and Maggie's Dream. The Trash can Sinatras of Maggie's Dream. I always think I'm the only one who ever bought and listened to this album constantly. The lead singer was in Menudo and his name is Robbie Rosa. And he's still making music and he can still get it. He handsome. And if you don't remember Maggie's Dream, that's because they were not well marketed, but they were basically somewhere between Faith no More and Red Hot Chili Peppers and got compared to Fishbone. But they weren't. But they were like kind of music. Also being like Lenny Kravitzy in the way that the songs.

[Dave]

Were sung. They were all like could have been. Maybe we'll.

[Andrea]

See tomorrow. It's like a lot of that stuff. And anyway, I loved Maggie's Dream. Nothing ever happened after that with Maggie's Dream. But if you also have fond memories, their big hit was Love and Tears. But I really liked It's a Sin and Human. Playtex given us what we've been asking for. We have the results of the most embarrassing moments in your menstrual history. The.

[Pam]

Contest winners.

[Andrea]

Oh, damn. Folks at Playtex knew that if anyone could make us blush, it would be you guys. And boy, did you. We had letters from all over. A number of you told us how you you've dropped pads and tampons right in front of the cutest guys. And of course we all had the nasty stain on the back of our brand new white pants or.

[Pam]

Light jeans the day you're touring your soon to be high school. Someone on the.

[Dave]

Panel maybe? Or a nice neutral gray, which is what happened.

[Andrea]

To me. Our grand.

[Pam]

Prize winner. Okay, well, let's read that one last. Do you want to alternate from the. From the bottom.

[Andrea]

Reading.

[Pam]

These? Sure. Okay. I.

[Andrea]

Love it. Let's.

[Pam]

Do it. One very embarrassed reader chooses anonymity. Was riding home one evening on a full city bus when she pulled out what she thought was her sinus inhaler from her purse. Without looking, she stuck a Playtex non deodorant tampon up her nose. How did she feel at that moment? Quote, boy, was I ever embarrassed. I was glad I was.

[Andrea]

Almost home. How many people. First of all, I love the non deodorant tampon. Was.

[Pam]

It.

[Andrea]

Unwrapped? What? I have so.

[Pam]

Many questions.

[Andrea]

Just sit. Just flopping around in her purse.

[Dave]

The way. I don't know why, but the way it's worded. Boy, was I ever embarrassed. I was glad I was almost home. Makes it sound like she didn't know to take it.

[Andrea]

Out after. Yes, she just.

[Dave]

Kept it. We had to do the last four minutes. The tampon coming out of.

[Andrea]

Her nose. Yeah. Really? I meant to do.

[Pam]

That attitude.

[Andrea]

Yep. Yeah. Another runner up who wishes to remain nameless for fear of further embarrassment had to run through her dance studio and the adjoining hair salon in order to clean and dry her stained white leotard. The water turned it transparent. And did anyone find out about her little mishap? According to the victim, only my mom and hairdresser know what.

[Pam]

Really happened. Oh, well, two most intimate relationships of a young.

[Andrea]

Woman'S life. What part was transparent? Her.

[Pam]

Whole leotard. Well, she took it off to.

[Dave]

Wash it. It.

[Pam]

Was white. It.

[Andrea]

Was.

[Dave]

White. Yeah. So, yes, the wet T.

[Andrea]

Shirt contest. But then did she go back to dance in, like, a see through leotard? I have questions about.

[Pam]

This one. Well, Erica Goodman, bravely sharing her name of Arlington, Virginia, got her period in the middle of a meeting with a tough male teacher. She had to tell him and borrow his coat to cover her stain on the way home. How noticeable was it? This was no little stain. This was Lake Erie. Ooh. At least that's one of the smaller.

[Dave]

Great Lakes. Yeah.

[Andrea]

Cold, though. Christy Barker from Hillsboro, Texas, left the bathroom after changing her pad and walked all the way through the cafeteria before she was told that the back of her dress was tucked into the top of.

[Pam]

Her leggings.

[Andrea]

Christie's reaction? My face has never been.

[Pam]

As red as it was.

[Andrea]

That day. Not just.

[Pam]

Your face. Well, I feel like. Pam, since you highlighted this, you should also get to reveal the grand prize.

[Andrea]

Winner'S story. Oh, the grand prize winner does get $1,000 for this. And everybody we read before gets 125 bucks. 125,000. Oh, my God. And everybody we read before gets 135 bucks. Here we go.

[Pam]

Amy.

[Andrea]

Nazis. Yep. Of Rockford, Illinois. You'd think I would have doxed, but you know what? She's been through enough. Told us that her dog walked into the middle of a dinner party with a used pad in its mouth, and some guest exclaimed, something's wrong.

[Pam]

With Flicka. She's bleeding from.

[Andrea]

The mouth. And in Amy's own words, at that moment, I would have preferred death.

[Pam]

Oh, yeah. I can, and I'll use my real name, Melba, that we had to learn the hard way, why you need when you have dogs to get bathroom garbage, garbage cans with lids, because when you're out of the house, they will go in there and pull things out and make a.

[Andrea]

Big mess. Oh, boy. Well, she does live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. So, Amy, give us.

[Pam]

A call. Doesn't she live in.

[Andrea]

Rossett, Illinois? Oh, just doxxed her now. Oh, that's what I'm.

[Pam]

Saying.

[Dave]

Currently. Currently. Boy, sorry about that, Lady.

[Andrea]

Moon.

[Pam]

Blood.

[Andrea]

Ew. Ooh. Okay. All right. Here we go. All right.

[Pam]

Page 81. The biz the way.

[Andrea]

It is. This is the Truth about modeling, Patri Farrel says, read all about it before you throw away time and money on modeling school. By the way, every ad around this is about time and money for modeling school, disreputable agents, photography ripoffs, contests, and other costly misadventures. My fun to read illustrated book zine, the Business of Professional Modeling will show you exactly what you need to do and how to do it. Send 24 bucks to Patty Farrer at 27 South Churchill Street, Fairfield, Connecticut.

[Pam]

Or call. But don't call collect. But don't.

[Andrea]

Call collect. Anyway, Patty or Petrie. Excuse me, keeps working. She becomes an artist that is like she makes scanner photography. You put a bunch of flowers down on your scanner and then you scan it and you're like, that's what I do. And then I.

[Pam]

Frame it.

[Dave]

Yeah, sure. She makes like 10% of the guy that does the same thing, but with cat paws. Guaranteed she's pissed about, but.

[Andrea]

Not as much as the guy who does it, the girl who does it with her butt. She also then like painted some Audubon.

[Dave]

Christmas cards. She painted Christmas cards on.

[Andrea]

The Autobot? No, like she was selling them on Amazon. I don't know. I don't know. I'm. I'm hurrying to get to the.

[Pam]

Part where. Oh.

[Andrea]

My God. She was.

[Pam]

Charged with. This is your best.

[Andrea]

Doxing ever. Scorned lover charged in Internet hijinks. A Fairfield woman. Listen, I'm pretty sure I really looked a lot. It's her and I can't get in because I had to.

[Dave]

Hold on. You got to pay $20 for the license.

[Pam]

Plate number. From Shelton, Connecticut. A Fairfield woman was arrested Friday, five months after she allegedly crashed the wedding of her ex boyfriend, took highly unflattering photographs of his wife, then posted those and altered pictures on the Internet. Patricia Patty Fair, 52 of 27 Church St. Wow, still living. There's a real doctor here. Charged with first degrees trespass and threatening and harassment both in the second degree. She's free on a five thousand dollar bail. Police said her ex boyfriend, who was married September 12th in his backyard, told investigators she told a co worker she was going to show up and try and ruin his wedding. The groom was so concerned, he hired an off duty police officer to head her off if she did show up, and police said she did, armed with a camera with a telephoto lens on it, she was chased off the property. But she sneaked around the back of the house and managed to take a picture of her ex boyfriend's bride in her wedding dress. Just as the woman had fallen off a hammock. Police said the photo was unflattering and revealing and Fair posted it on the Internet. She then allegedly altered the photo so it made the bride appear partially nude. Police said she allegedly emailed the altered photos to the bride and groom and put them on her own website. The website has since been removed. She told police that she allegedly harassed the couple because her ex boyfriend owed her $5,000 and would continue to do so until he paid up. Well, don't tell them your plans. Police said she also called the couple on the telephone and told her ex boyfriend's new wife that she had made a mistake marrying him. The ex and his wife went to the cops September 20, so went on their honeymoon first, then came back and filed charges because they said they feared she would cause them physical harm due to her apparent rage and hatred. I mean, seems Fair detectives went to her home in Fairfield and confronted her. She admitted taking the photos. I took numerous photos of the wedding. That was the best, she told police. Police said while they were there they noticed several animals, including a two foot long iguana. This. How is this not a movie? Pam, please write this. Before they left, the detectives overheard Fair say that she would kill the victim. But I know I would be the first person blamed and can't get away with it. The police report says, ma', am, get your prescription checked. Police then told her not to have contact with her ex boyfriend. The matter was under investigation. The next day, Shelton detectives were dismayed when they received email allegedly sent by Fair. Police said it was a picture of the pat iguana with the caption thank you for sending the two delicious detectives over today, lover boy. One was attacked and eaten by my lizard, but the other nice fella managed to escape. He hopped away with only a part of a leg and several fingers missing. The email was also sent to the ex boyfriend, police said. Lt. Michael Madden said to Texas were dismayed by the email. Yes, I would be too. It was unsettling to say the least. Although she allegedly harassed the victims over the Internet, the acts are not protected under Slate law. Well duh. And that's it. What a tale from 2005. Patty write in call us 720 sassy go. We want to hear.

[Andrea]

Your side. Maybe not because all the scanner stuff and the art and the just like I make nice little paintings that I painting cards that I sell on Amazon was later so this was a while ago man. I don't know what Patty's up to now Patri, but it's I think she still lives in Fairfield.

[Pam]

Connecticut, so.

[Dave]

Incredible.

[Andrea]

Story. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. See, sometimes doxxing gives us.

[Pam]

Some content. I hope she's doing.

[Andrea]

Better now. I hope so, too. What's on the cards for you today? Alexandra's tarot line. I just. I want you to know that that's not what Alexandra.

[Pam]

Looks like. No.

[Andrea]

Definitely not. Some lady that's on the. On your wall at a hair. At a.

[Pam]

Hair.

[Andrea]

Salon. Yeah. Where you're, like, picking out a feathered haircut. That is not Alexandra. And also what's on the cards is. I don't know that's what we say at all when we're talking about tarot. And. But then when you call it your. You can call for your Chinese horoscop, not tarot. Your perfect match lovers compatibility, or your moon sign horoscope 24 hours a day. You can call her a dollar a minute, $2 the first minute.

[Pam]

And she'll answer if she's not posing for an ad for the women's gentle laxative, because that's actually what that photo looks like.

[Dave]

It'S for. It goes.

[Andrea]

Down smooth. It works when.

[Pam]

I sleep. Flip back to the front of the magazine for Diary. This is Jane and everybody else's report from going to the National Magazine Awards. I have been to the Canadian National Magazine Awards. It is pretty boring. The important news in this edition of Diary, other than the National Magazine Award that they lost, is Lou was in town. He is the iconoclastic and adorable LA based editor in chief of Dirt. That's the guy's version of Sassy, which you'll be giving to your brother boyfriend, that babe who works at Chess King, or all of the above when it comes out in September. Do I also have every issue of Dirt Listener? You know I do. And we'll have to figure out how we're going to cover that on the podcast, because it's very necessary. And then in a PS this is a PS to the previous month's Diary, where Jane talks about going out with the lead singer of Jesus Jones on a very apparently too boring date to make a whole article out of. Turns out he's married, but he's still very nice and he met with her again, so I don't know how married he is, but that's the latest. Say what? What? What? You say what? Blame the victim. Slash not. Here's the first letter. I'm not surprised Kim Fry contracted aids. She was a. Whoa. I sympathize, but she could have easily avoided the virus. Try not having sex with every boyfriend on the COVID You said a girl like you who got the AIDS virus. This isn't true unless you sell all these magazines to hookers. Signed Danielle and Noel in.

[Dave]

New York. Daughters to mob boss.

[Pam]

Blank Blank. This is what you get when you print a letter from someone who says your magazine is too N word ish. Every other fucking crank decides they're gonna be making a big splash by writing the most outrageous letter they can think of. And it worked. Good job, Sassy. Over under the you spill it more. These are responses to their piece from a couple months ago where they. That's just a bunch of stats about what kids and are saying about their schools. My school, Harmony is wonderful. There are only 130 kids in grades 1 to 12 that give you the guidance to learn and the freedom to express yourself. Questions are encouraged. You can ask my science teacher about anything from biogenetics to human sexuality. We call our teachers by their first names. It's the best alternative school I've ever seen. Signed Mara Bai in Bloomington, Indiana. This sounds like the school that maybe Funke went to where she got an alligator.

[Andrea]

In spelling. It still exists. A.

[Pam]

Doc.

[Andrea]

Did. Wow. It still seems like it's small and progressive but if you go and look at, you know, like reviews, some parents are like it's got a ridiculous bullying problem. Because what I was trying to find out was how expensive the school must be. And I. I could not find the tuition rates but they do make some scholarships and stuff. I don't know. The school looked. The school looked like what she's promising. But some people have left saying if you have money, your kids are a little more protected than the ones who might.

[Dave]

Get bullied. Oh, sounds like a.

[Andrea]

Protection racket. The last section is called Boy Bud Ponderings. And I at first was like, is that what you're calling new boobs? And then I was like, oh, because of Poi Dog pon. Nope, it.

[Dave]

Doesn'T work. Yeah, that's.

[Pam]

Pretty terrible. Yeah, but the second letter here is. Isn't Morgan a perfect example of the whistle only dogs Here. This is from the story about the girl who says being friends with boys are is better. Ah, I don't know. Seems like she's more of a pick me but you can. I guess your mileage.

[Dave]

May vary. Excuse me.

[Andrea]

Sorry. Jeez. That's all right, Dave. We'll finish this.

[Dave]

Up soon. Get a nap. Just didn't.

[Andrea]

Sleep well. We're done. We're almost done. One.

[Dave]

More baby. Want to go.

[Pam]

To bed? Yeah. This time we'll be bringing you a super sized slumber party covering the quizzes from The June and July 1991 issues, plus some of the calls that have been stacking up for the past couple of months. Take those quizzes. They're in the visual aids for this episode to find out if you're a news moron or and annoyance. Okay, keeping things chill here in the summer of 1991. Then call us, tell us.

[Dave]

How when you can follow everybody at these addresses. Ar Ariano Amelaribin at Cole FYI, I guess those are all Blue sky accounts. That's where you can find us. Once again, Pam has an account but will.

[Andrea]

Not return. I'm on.

[Dave]

Instagram. Ish. She's on Instagram. All right, well follow her on Instagram where she's Pam Muller.

[Andrea]

Ribbon 1B. You can also call us at 7:20 Sassy. Go and join that stack of messages. We're happy to have them leave us a voicemail about your experiences of reading this or listening to us or whatever. We might play it on a future episode. Anyway, listen to Sassy.com is where you can get get all this information. I can't believe we made it to the end of 2025. Or.

[Pam]

Did we? I.

[Andrea]

Don'T know. We taped this in advance. Oh my gosh. I hope we're all still chugging along. My God. Here's.

[Rocket Money Advertiser]

To.

[Pam]

2026. Yay. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next.

[Grainger Advertiser]

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