June 1991 Fashion Etc.: Bikinis, Bandana Prints & The Face Shade 2000

Summary

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s

Episode: June 1991 Fashion Etc.: Bikinis, Bandana Prints & The Face Shade 2000
Date: November 25, 2025
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, David T. Cole

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Episode Overview

In this lively and nostalgic episode, the Sassy crew dives into the June 1991 issue, spotlighting fashion trends, questionable beauty advice, iconic ads, and all the gloriously awkward, earnest, and sometimes cringy details that defined Sassy magazine for Gen-X teens. With characteristic wit and warmth, Tara, Pam, and Dave roast retro styles, discuss inclusivity mishaps, reminisce about beauty routines, and share juicy tidbits from the era that shaped a generation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. 1991 Fashion: Appropriation, Layers, and Skirt-Over-Pants

• Fiesta Forever Feature
  • Pam notes uncomfortable cover lines: “black kids who are fed up.”
    • “It’s not exactly the article, and I don’t know that it’s making any black kids go, finally, sassy is tending to my needs.” – Pam (03:08)
  • Culturally appropriative “vaguely pan-Latin American styles” sourced from actual Puta Mayo brand garments.
  • Overly layered looks: bustier under overalls, skirt over overalls, aprons over capri pants.
    • “This is what magazines do, though, is, like, they try to convince you that you can look good in a skirt over pants, when, in fact, the number of people that can get away with that look, they're all 5 foot 10 and taller.” – Tara (07:08)
    • “Tall but don't know it.” (07:22)

✦ Memorable Moment

Peplum confusion:

• “Dave, do you know what a peplum is?” – Tara
• “No. Sounds dirty.” – Dave (07:41-07:42)

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2. Bikini Trends: Tiny, Frilly, and Unforgiving

• When Wet Feature
  • Bikinis critiqued for being too skimpy and impractical.
    • “Every one of these bikinis is for those kids.” – Pam (09:18)
    • “What’s missing from these photos is popsicle streaks all the way from their chin down. Their whole front.” – Tara (09:45)
  • Poses feel awkward and unflattering, lack of retouching noted.
  • Standout: Crochet bikini
    • “Crochet. Yes, crochet.” – Tara (11:57)
    • “The first time you wear this, you’re like, fuck this shit. You take it home and you take the top and… you just basically make a plant holder.” – Dave (14:06)
  • Poolside practicality and perils debated: lining, coverage, strength.

✦ Notable Quote

• “That's how you capture krill.” – Dave (12:16), mocking the absurdity of a crocheted swimsuit in water.

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3. Prints, Patchwork, and Hillbilly Chic

• Bandana & Patchwork “What Next” Fashion
  • “Great hillbilly prints” and country styles, with a nod to Ellie May Clampett cosplay.
    • “All of these look like she’s at camp. She didn't know she was going to have a date. She looks around her cabin. She's just got two sheets and a quilt and a sewing machine. And she's like, I can make this work.” – Pam (17:29)
  • Commentary on the impracticality and literal DIY vibes of the looks.

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4. Beauty Features: Folkloric Braids, Embryonic Dreads, and Face Shields

• Legend: Braids and Hair Trends

  • Attempts at “folkloric” braids and Rick Rack discussed.
    • “The braids we're big on are decidedly folkloric, Folkloric. Decidedly Folkloric is the name of my extremely boring history podcast.” – Dave (19:41)
  • Messy hair tips result in near-dreadlock looks.
    • “It’s so close to dreadlocks. Dangerously close, you might say.” – Tara (19:59)
  • Side joke about peplum, and Victorian-sounding “gusset” explained (13:34).

• Face Shade 2000

  • Futuristic facial sun shield examined and origins unearthed (Pam finds inventor’s info!).
    • “His name is Alabaster. Damn, son.” – Dave (28:16)
  • Pam shares research tracing the Sun Gear International patent and its mysterious disappearance.

✦ Memorable Discovery

Pam’s successful hunt for the device’s inventor, confirming it (and him) were real, not family folklore (27:18–28:25).

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5. Reader Letters & Magazine Oddities

• Questionable Beauty Advice & Scammy Hotlines

  • Skepticism about the legitimacy of the “Cosmetic Plus” advice hotline.
    • “Doesn't this just seem like a giant scam waiting to happen?” – Dave (22:05)

• Inclusivity Misfires

  • Noted irony in choosing the lightest-skinned model to illustrate a new “dark skin” cosmetics line.
    • “This is not how you illustrate your dark skinned cosmetic line.” – Tara (23:57)

• Exercise Dangers & Scalp Oil

  • Pam calls out the contradictory advice on exercise dangers for girls.
    • “You should run around a lot. But also you'll ruin yourself. You'll break a bunch of blood vessels.” – Pam (30:09)
  • Dave mocks the letter about how to tell if one’s scalp is oily:
    • “If your scalp is itchy and your fingers smell and look greasy after massaging it, or if your hair gets that dirty smell, then you've got an oily scalp. Parentheses tasty.” (31:24)

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6. Ads: Nostalgia, Ridiculousness, and Iconic Marketing

• CoverGirl Nail Care

  • Pam lampoons the overwhelming number of product options:
    • “Finally, nail care. That's a snap. No, it's an overwhelming amount of shit.” – Pam (32:45)

• Sea Breeze

  • Affectionate ribbing over its over-cleansing properties and cooling tingle.
    • “God, I loved Sea Breeze. It really made your face feel clean. I'm sure it stripped out way more oil than it was supposed to.” – Tara (37:35)

• Caboodles

  • The impossible promise that everything fits in a Caboodle is debunked with forensic precision.

• Advil

  • Voices in ads sound too grown-up, prompting Pam to joke about “the first AI ad ever.” (41:51)
  • Stats on pain relief read as unlikely and surreal.

• Sassiest Boy In America

  • Tara hates to see previous winners; now, they’re looking for a new (hopefully younger) winner:
    • “They can't advertise for the new sassiest boy in America without reminding us of the old sassiest boy in America. And I do mean old.” – Tara (43:52)
  • Misunderstanding over the word “but hain” (44:48).

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7. The Diary: Meet-Cutes and Celebrity Letdowns

• Jane’s Celebrity Crush

  • Jane recounts meeting Mike Edwards from Jesus Jones—anticlimactic, but fun.

• Nicole’s Backstage Letdown

  • Listener letter: Disappointed after meeting New Kids on the Block.
    • Pam: “Nicole, get the fuck over yourself. Do you understand? You got hugged by a new kid and he signed your jeans.” (53:21)
    • Tara speculates on the (now known) sexuality of Jonathan Knight and fan expectations:
      • “Maybe she sent something because we now know Jonathan is the New Kid on the Block who is gay. Possibly.” (53:26)

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Notable Quotes & Time Stamps

• “It’s not exactly the article, and I don’t know that it’s making any black kids go, finally, sassy is tending to my needs.” – Pam (03:08)
• “Tall but don't know it.” – Tara (07:22)
• “What’s missing from these photos is popsicle streaks all the way from their chin down. Their whole front.” – Tara (09:45)
• “That's how you capture krill.” – Dave (12:16)
• “The braids we're big on are decidedly folkloric, Folkloric. Decidedly Folkloric is the name of my extremely boring history podcast.” – Dave (19:41)
• “This is not how you illustrate your dark skinned cosmetic line.” – Tara (23:57)
• “His name is Alabaster. Damn, son.” – Dave (28:16)
• “Finally, nail care. That's a snap. No, it's an overwhelming amount of shit.” – Pam (32:45)
• “Nicole, get the fuck over yourself. Do you understand? You got hugged by a new kid and he signed your jeans.” – Pam (53:21)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|----------------------------------------------| | 03:03 | Sassy’s diversity attempts & coverage | | 05:05 | Fiesta Forever: cultural fashion trends | | 08:57 | Bikini fashion feature roasting | | 16:45 | Bandana patchwork & country looks | | 19:05 | Braids, Rick Racks & hair feature | | 26:07 | Sun protection: Face Shade 2000 saga | | 31:00 | Beauty Q&A: aerobics & scalp oil | | 31:55 | Ad breakdowns: CoverGirl, Sea Breeze, etc. | | 43:48 | Sassiest Boy in America contest | | 52:00 | Diary: Jane, Jesus Jones, and meet-cutes | | 53:48 | Listener letter: Backstage with NKOTB |

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Tone & Language

The hosts maintain their signature sarcastic, affectionate, and conspiratorially funny dynamic, reminiscent of a hangout with your sharpest, pop culture-obsessed friends. They balance nostalgia with critical commentary, especially on the topic of inclusivity, body image, and fashion missteps.

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Conclusion

This episode is a rollicking ride through early ‘90s teen culture, filtered through the irreverent, wise, and very funny lens of Tara, Pam, and Dave. Plenty for listeners to laugh with, wince at, and remember—whether they read Sassy cover to cover or only know it by reputation.

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For future episodes or for a deeper nostalgia trip, join the hosts at their site or on their Discord, and don’t forget to call in with your own Sassy-era stories!

Transcript

[Dave]

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[Pam]

Beautiful skin can be a breeze with sea breeze.

[Dave]

Deep, clean so clean it tingles. Beautiful skin can feel freeze with sea breeze. No other clean feels quite like this.

[Pam]

It is June 1991. Christy Turlington's on the COVID of Cosmo Woolworth. Like that's how you say it. Woolworth's plans to open nearly 5,000 stores. They will last forever because it's so easy to say woolworms and people are into ankle boots. But you don't care about all that because you got a note in your locker that says will take snake. It seems very boy like handwriting because it's written into shaky capital letters and the note isn't folded in an interesting way. So someone knows you have a snake, but you don't know who it is that wants it. Why isn't there a name or any contact information? It's kind of romantic, you got to admit. Okay, so we're going to be cool. Obviously this is just part one, page one of the greatest love story of all time. Just surely another note is coming. He's probably watching you look at these three words right now. He's probably waiting for you to be contained and approachable like a snake. Maybe we should look available but distracted during homeroom by staring at fashion pages that don't require you to think or read anything. And you'll just look like a regular girl and not you.

[Tara]

Because yes, it's time to listen to Sassy.

[Dave]

I wasn't sure if you were going to do the steak thing. Tara. You did.

[Pam]

I forgot.

[Tara]

Give me break. We recorded that episode two weeks ago.

[Dave]

Shifty eyes.

[Pam]

Shifty eyes Commercials used to be much sexier.

[Tara]

That guy.

[Pam]

What are you gonna put on your face when you empty your pores?

[Dave]

The part that got me was the weird out of place synthesizer thing being right in the middle of it. Clean. So clean it tingles.

[Tara]

That's to remind you of John Hughes movies. And don't you want to look as cute as Leah Thompson?

[Pam]

You are right. That is Exactly Right. All right. Fashion.

[Tara]

Fashion. Pam had a note about one of our cover lines on this issue.

[Pam]

Yeah. It just says, black kids who are fed up.

[Tara]

They sure are.

[Pam]

Wow. Wow. It's. It's just quite. I don't know. It's not exactly the article, and I don't know that it's making any black kids go, finally, sassy is tending to my needs. I don't know. Anyway, we keep trying. They keep trying.

[Tara]

What if I showed you this from the next issues?

[Dave]

Oh, no. Oh, boy.

[Pam]

I thought you were showing me. Thought you were showing me. Get out. And I was like, well, they didn't know. They didn't know.

[Tara]

No, there's. We'll get to it. But there is a full slur on the COVID of the July issue.

[Pam]

So we've come so far. And that. I guess it's a slur that's back in style, depending on what kind of dick you are.

[Tara]

We started going backwards. Yes. Anyway, enough about that. Yes. Our cover model is Lia. Lia. The headline on about faces. Her big face. And it is big. It is larger than life size on this. This cover, but it's a very cute face.

[Pam]

She's also like, I'm never gonna model again. I was accidentally discovered. I was like, how many models are just going about their apparently gorgeous business when they were like, I thought I was buying a pair of shoelaces. I got a modeling career. I'm in Milan.

[Dave]

Ew. With the face. I got to make you a star.

[Pam]

Oh, I'm really kind of busy.

[Tara]

Maybe all those scripts where they're like, she's beautiful but doesn't know it are true. And all these models have no idea that they're hot until a scout finds them and says, did you know you're hot? And they're like, what?

[Dave]

Let me just take these scrunchies out so you can let your hair. Oh, my God. Now let's take your glasses off. Oh.

[Pam]

Do you have a boyfriend? Yeah. He's sitting right next to me right now. Like, she's like, he's okay.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

I'm ready to move on. I've got this tattoo on my ankle. How'd it get there? I don't even know. I just woke up with it. I wonder if she is now a doctor. I hope so.

[Tara]

If you're out there, Leah, call in 7:20. Sassy, go. Let us know what's going on.

[Pam]

She would, but she's got too much going on.

[Tara]

That's true. Fashion feature number one is called Fiesta Forever. And, you know, you might want to make a joke about them sourcing all of these garments at Puta Mayo, the Mexican store that Elaine fought with over some huaraches when the clerk was rude and ignored her. And then you read the blurbs for all of the sourcing and see, that's literally true. A lot of these are Puta Mayo brand garments. For real. This is a lot of sort of culturally appropriative, vaguely pan Latin American styles.

[Dave]

Yeah. This first photo where the bottom fifth of her dress is in living color. The bottom fifth of your dress is in living color.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah. And then the next one, she's got, like, the skirt tied over the overalls. I think it's not just jeans. It's like a whole sitch. It's a lot of layers. And then she's got something on under that.

[Dave]

Cow catcher. Is it a cow catcher from the front of an 1880s train?

[Pam]

She's wearing a lot. Is it a bustier under overalls with a skirt over overalls tied on top?

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Yes, it is.

[Pam]

That's warm. That's a warm look.

[Tara]

On page 48, it's like she's in capri pants, and then they just give her an apron for no reason. Like, that's not what aprons are. That's a functional garment. You know, just put them on to, like, go out for the day.

[Pam]

I felt like some of these, they were trying to be like, you caught me on my way to work.

[Tara]

Mm. Maybe.

[Pam]

But it's a lot of. It's a lot of skirts tied over jeans. And on page 49, it's like a look I'd like to do where she's got, like, a tank just tying a little apron over your jeans. I can't do it.

[Dave]

She's also wearing the snake that's for sale.

[Tara]

She is wearing the snake. It's around her waist.

[Pam]

She's wearing the snake and it's around her waist. I would trip over this. This is a dangerous outfit. But she is one snake for scale.

[Tara]

This is what magazines do, though, is, like, they try to convince you that you can look good in a skirt over pants, when, in fact, the number of people that can get away with that look, they're all 5 foot 10 and taller.

[Pam]

Tall but don't know it.

[Tara]

Tall but don't know it. It's like the top 1% of the 1%. That's what they're. That's what we're really fighting against, is people that can pull off that look because the rest of us can't.

[Pam]

No, the rest of us have to do a peplum. That's the skirt. That's the skirt over pants for short people.

[Tara]

Dave, do you know what a peplum is?

[Dave]

No. Sounds dirty.

[Pam]

He did such a polite party laugh and nodded lightly just to be like, don't come back to me on that set of feeling. I did too.

[Tara]

You can look it up. It's like a ruffle on. Usually on the back of a jacket.

[Dave]

You can't even find the peplum.

[Pam]

No, he can't even find the peplum. Ladies.

[Tara]

On page 50, they have. They have gotten matching top and skirt from NAFNAF that are sort of like a patchworky kind of like from. That's the brand we've talked about naf. NAF before they've done it. They've advertised in the magazine.

[Dave]

Sounds like a trade agreement.

[Tara]

That's half. Yes, it is. That's what the. They were inspired by NAFTA to make the brand.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

And these are very anthropology either. I like this top and I like this skirt. Unfortunately. Sorry. I probably wouldn't do them together. They were smart to split them up, but they're cute.

[Dave]

Are we talking about page 50?

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah. It just looks like a collection of oilcloth designs. Well, all stuck together.

[Tara]

Yeah. Sometimes that's what you want.

[Dave]

All right.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Pam]

Fashion feature number two is called when wet. Which would have sounded better if it's the commercial guy from the Seabreeze.

[Dave]

Would have sound better once you find the Polanda Dum. Whatever you guys talk about last time I already forgot the name. When my peplum's wet, find her pompadam.

[Pam]

Her puta mayo. Let's see. These are very itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis with a little bit of floral flair. Uh, it's mostly just a way to look at naked girls and think, I can't. I can't wear this. Yeah. I can't wear that. These are really bikinis for toddlers who have a great big tummy and they're walking between the kids pool and the grown up pool and they're sunburned and holding a hot dog and someone's crying. Every one of these bikinis is for those kids.

[Tara]

Yes. What's missing from these photos is popsicle streaks all the way from their chin down. Their whole front.

[Pam]

Yes, yes. Just lots of tears. Yeah. And. And someone slipping. These don't look good on grown up ladies because they're too. They're too small. And then the. The women are also posed in a way where it's very like crotch hip forward where you're seeing the parts of hips that feel like they're exposed. Like, you aren't supposed to see this little crease or wrinkle. We're used to much more Airbrushing is probably it, but it makes me feel like I'm looking at shots they did not approve of themselves.

[Tara]

I mean, I definitely thought that about the COVID where she's got, like, kind of very noticeable bags under her eyes and no shade. I have bags under. Under my eyes too. But yeah, this. This model Bronwyn is doing. She's doing the same pose in all of these bikinis, more or less like they're even there. She's almost at the same.

[Dave]

Except for the second one. Okay, well, the second one at page 59. She has just been shot by sniper.

[Tara]

That's true. She has that one. Page 59 is more girl in a bikini in a music video. Like doing a dance behind White Snake or something.

[Dave]

It's like they shot it too late. When she's trying to do a wet hair whip.

[Tara]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Pam]

There's Cindy Crawfordy.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

I think all of them, like, put your hair in your face and. And be wet. Like, it is mostly about. Just be wet and we'll take pictures.

[Tara]

Yeah. 61 is the sportiest one. That's the one that has, like, boy shorts, and it's sort of floral and cute. It's got a lot more coverage on the bikini top as well. The rest are just, like, super string bikinis. And there's a lot of frills in places that even if they're not the color of pubes, just make you think of pubes.

[Pam]

That's.

[Tara]

That's how I feel.

[Dave]

Yeah. Why is she looking up in every single photo?

[Tara]

I don't know.

[Dave]

Let us see your beautiful face.

[Tara]

She's worshiping the sun.

[Dave]

You have such a nice face. Let everybody see it. Says Grandma.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

At the Fetch bikini photo shoot. Why is grandma there? Grandma, the manager.

[Pam]

The one on 60. Looks like because of the lines in the neck. I think they doubled her neck. Like, the lines are exactly the same horizontally across her neck.

[Tara]

It feels.

[Dave]

It's a neck extension.

[Tara]

Uhhuh.

[Pam]

Yeah, I can see it.

[Dave]

Okay, but wait. 63.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

A croquet bikini.

[Pam]

Wow.

[Dave]

Crochet.

[Tara]

Crochet. Yes, crochet.

[Dave]

Page 63 crocheted bikini takes a lot of. We're not. That's not making it. Page 63 crocheted bikini.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

He says for the first time ever.

[Pam]

Ever. Yeah, he nailed it.

[Dave]

Feels like a bad idea.

[Tara]

Well, I'm sure It's. I assume it's lined, maybe.

[Dave]

Or is that how you capture krill?

[Tara]

That's true.

[Pam]

You gotta take an antibiotic if you capture krill with your crush.

[Dave]

She goes into the water, she captures plankton in her bikini, which attracts krill, which attracts small fish. Three, four, five minutes later, she walks out with a giant tuna. She didn't have to do anything. She just got it. And then everybody on the beach is very impressed.

[Pam]

It's called feeding the peplum.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Yeah. The tie on the back, it's like four different straps coming together. So I guess you just tie two different knots, but it looks very complicated.

[Dave]

That's definitely going to come off in the first big wave.

[Tara]

It certainly is.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Or with one jerky boy who's like, what happens if I pull this one?

[Dave]

But the other thing is, as soon as this gets wet, won't it lose its shape if it's crocheted?

[Tara]

Well, not if it's lined. That's my point. Like, it's. I see.

[Dave]

I feel like I can see her butt through this. I feel like I see skin tone through this.

[Pam]

Yeah, I think you're right.

[Tara]

I mean that. Yeah, that could just be the shade. I. I pray. All I can say is I hope and pray it's lined with nylon or something. You know, like what they. Pam, you know what they usually put in the crotch of a bikini? I would assume that's. That's entirely. That's what the whole bottom is made of and top.

[Pam]

Dave, David doesn't know what that's called.

[Tara]

Your vagina.

[Pam]

He'd be so happy to know. It's called a gusset.

[Tara]

The gusset.

[Dave]

A gusset, yes.

[Pam]

Yep.

[Dave]

That is very Victorian sounding or something on a chicken.

[Tara]

If you were hoodwinked into buying this $30 white crocheted bikini with triangle top front and flowery trim by John Christie.

[Dave]

And you didn't get it caught on a rock and have drowned at the beach.

[Pam]

If you Google crochet bikini, it. It's not answering our questions because it's even more versions of. This is not water resistant.

[Dave]

I think the first time you wear this, you're like, fuck this shit. You take it home and you take the top and it's many, many ropes and you just basically make a plant holder of.

[Tara]

Yes, totally. Yes.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah. That's the best thing for it.

[Dave]

The sexiest plant holder you have. Ooh, is that a gusset?

[Tara]

Nice, nice gusset.

[Dave]

All right, all right, all right, all.

[Tara]

Right, all right, all right, all right. Okay.

[Pam]

So what next?

[Tara]

How about we.

[Pam]

Don'T like this. What next?

[Dave]

All right, thanks.

[Pam]

We're done so bad this what Next is. So the clothes you see here come in great hillbilly prints that steal a bit from bandanas and patchwork. Queen quilts. On the other hand, they've got citified shapes like bustier tops and slim jeans. We're awful excited and expect you'll be too. And no, it's paisley and patchwork and romper room and no, nobody looks. Only. Only if you're about to sing Groove is in the Heart can you wear a single outfit from this page. Say what you want about AI, but it's here and it's helping businesses get more done in a day. Wix's website builder is infused with AI so you can stay ahead. Create a beautiful, functional website just by describing your idea, track how your site appears in AI search results, create custom images on demand, or launch an entire campaign in a matter of minutes. WIX gives you AI wherever you need it. Try it now for [e-mail] ever see an idea so clearly in your head, but struggle to find the time to get it all done? WIX helps you go from eh, I'll get to it to done. Build a full site just by describing your idea. Let an AI agent handle daily tasks, plan your next marketing campaign, or help out customers so you can grow your business the way you want without it taking over your life. Try it [e-mail] if you're a custodial supervisor at a local high school, you know that cleanliness is key and that the best place to get cleaning supplies is from Grainger. Grainger helps you stay fully stocked on the products you trust, from paper towels and disinfectants to floor scrubbers. Plus, you can rely on Grainger for easy reordering, so you never run out of what you need. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Tara]

Yes, this is a Ellie May Clampett cosplay for sure. I think the flippy summer dress is cute. I don't even mind how they styled it right in the center with the just red print and red sneakers. I think that's cute. But the one at the barrettes at the bottom, that looks more Holly Hobby to me than like Country Picture in.

[Dave]

The middle though, looks like she just broke her foot. It looks like one foot pointing the wrong way. It's an ouchie. See, to me, these look like a very hopeful first day camp counselor before she has her dreams crashed. She's going to go in there. She's bringing her guitar. She's going to sing to everybody.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And they all hate her. And she leaves in tears at 7pm the same day.

[Tara]

Definitely the Mr. Green Jeans overall. That's her story for sure.

[Pam]

Yeah. But all of these look like she's at camp. She didn't know she was going to have a date. She was going to have a date. She looks around her cabin. She's just got two sheets and a quilt and a sewing machine. And she's like, I can make this work. And that is how you get any of these outfits.

[Dave]

And the second day, she takes off her top to reveal her bra, and she's the most popular cap counselor ever.

[Tara]

But then on day three, she walks out in bare feet like Mr. Green Jeans overalls girl and steps on a urchin. And that's the end of camp.

[Dave]

Those annoying camp urchins.

[Tara]

Yeah, Camp urchin.

[Dave]

Do you mean like something in the water or like a kid begging for money?

[Tara]

One or the other camp urchin. Doesn't matter.

[Dave]

Spare more s'. Mores. All right, all right, all right, all right. Beauty feature number one is called legend. Webster defines lazy as a segment or article starting with a dictionary definition.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Dave]

What's legend mean? Well, it'll tell you. So I guess officially, this is called legend. Colon, bracket, noun. A story coming down from the past. A myth, saga, tale. Scrolling, scrolling. Or fable. No, period after fable. I figured we would have to period there. Oh, boy. Guys, if you gotta do that, somebody's gotta, first of all, just slap you in the face and say, do it again. We're not doing that here.

[Tara]

Bad design. Very bad. That said, Pam, I think you could pull off the Rick Rack braid.

[Pam]

Oh, that's very sweet of you. I will show you the length of my braid these days. And you know that that's not true because I looked at it and I was like, look at all her hair. It's Rick Rackable. Mine's Ricky Rackman. I can't even. It's so small.

[Tara]

Look.

[Pam]

Aw.

[Tara]

That's it. That's all she's got. You can't still do it. Just a little click roll.

[Pam]

I could try, but mostly I just end up pulling them up because they look, like, sad.

[Tara]

Look how sad that one is.

[Pam]

I look like I'm growing out a mullet. It's terrible.

[Tara]

Nice beaver.

[Pam]

Please. Yes, thank you. Please send hair.

[Dave]

The story starts with the copy. The braids we're big on are decidedly for loric, folkloric Folkloric. Decidedly Folkloric is the name of my extremely boring history podcast. Welcome to Decide. Wait. Oh. Set to the song of. From. From last.

[Tara]

The beat Happening Guy. That's even too tuneful, I think, for what he was doing. Page 39. They're like, give yourself waves. And you know, the way they did it, it's so close to dreadlocks. Dangerously close, you might say. And the way you can tell they know that is that they did it to the white girl and not the darker skinned white girl in the story, because it's right on the line of acceptable.

[Dave]

So wait, Sorry. So I could kind of see the embryonic dreads. You know, the ropes. Ish. Just looks like she has very damaged hair in this photo and she's an extreme redhead.

[Tara]

Mm.

[Dave]

What do you have to do to turn these into dreads?

[Tara]

I think work on em. Yeah. Clump. Clump em together. There's a process. I certainly don't know what it is, and I never intend to find out.

[Dave]

Right.

[Tara]

That's none of my business.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Tara]

But she does look mad. As you said.

[Dave]

She does look mad. And messy hair can be good. Like, you can look good in messy hair.

[Tara]

Sure.

[Dave]

I'm not quite sure if this is like, she's not quite pulling it off.

[Tara]

No, this just looks like frizz. It's because it's looks like all split ends. Because you can see on page 41 what her. Her normal hair looks like, and it's very fine and like, blow, you know, fly away.

[Pam]

They put a quote from Rapunzel on top of her. It's like, not good Rapunzel hair.

[Tara]

No.

[Dave]

Yeah, Just break.

[Pam]

So, yeah, she looks like a really angry Helena Bonham Carter. Yeah.

[Tara]

You can't climb this shit. She looks like. She looks like if you bleached out a picture of Bix from Andor in this. Her face, her facial expression. They on page 40 also have a. A style up. They have a hyphen in the middle of rubbing, as though it was supposed to be the end of the line, but it's right in the middle of the page. Rub hyphen, bing it into.

[Pam]

Whoops.

[Dave]

Yeah. Sounds like code for something.

[Tara]

It does.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Pam, I believe in you. Keep growing that hair. You'll get there.

[Pam]

Thanks.

[Dave]

About Face Cosmetics plus is a little call out right in the middle of the page. Call Cosmetic plus at 1-800-545-0705 for free advice on everything from eyeliner to cuticles. Doesn't this just seem like a giant scam waiting to happen? There is no information on what it is, what information you're gonna get, if it's gonna cost anything, if there's a makeup company behind it, which I assume there probably is, but you just don't know. It just feels. Feels scammy to me. I feel like they need to put more information in there.

[Tara]

Yes, Cosmetics plus is not enough information. That could be anything.

[Dave]

It could be anything. It sounds like a rite Aid level drugstore house brand.

[Tara]

Hello and thank you for calling. Just for calling today, you're entitled to a retail rebate of $100. Press 1 now for more information or you can hang up. Thank you.

[Pam]

Cosmetics plus is now an Australian company.

[Dave]

Your call is very important to us.

[Pam]

Please stay on the line and you'll be transferred to the next available agent.

[Tara]

I am sorry, that's not a valid extension. Please try again.

[Dave]

I saw your ad in 1991, Sassy magazine. And I want to know more about highlighter and cuticles. Please call me back. My name is Dave Cole. Thank bye.

[Pam]

Okay. Anyway, they attempted an aggressive expansion in the late 90s into Southern California, but they failed due to poor location choices. It says it closed in early 99, three out of its four stores and then it was bankrupt by 2001 because of Sephora and such. It's no longer in business. The phone number is also not in service and you may see Cosmetics plus, which is an Australian based company, but they're not the same. There you go. That's more than you wanted to know by Pam.

[Tara]

It's about time, says the blurb in the bottom of the middle column. Finally, there's an affordable, extensive quality makeup line for those of us with dark skin. Picture beside her, beside the blurb, the lightest skinned model I've maybe ever seen. Like this girl is black, but she is extremely light skinned. This is not how you illustrate your dark skinned cosmetic line with a girl that looks like she's as white as Leah in this photo.

[Dave]

Sassy magazine. It's all relative, I guess. All right, we're listening. Look what companies do to get our attention when Prescriptives, that's the name of a company, launch their new double action body refiner. They set a sample of it with a foot high plaster cast of the Venus de Milo, complete with her own mini shower curtain and cap. Not shown. If you're not going to show that part of it, why bother at all?

[Tara]

That's the cutest part.

[Dave]

Here's the really fun thing that you don't see every day. When somebody would show you something about the Venus Venus De Milo. So who made that decision? Who fucked up the photo?

[Tara]

Especially like, just put, put her in the shower with like a pencil for scale so we can see how little and cute it is. I agree with you, Dave.

[Dave]

Thank you.

[Pam]

We want more. Ignore what we said in February. Really should have put this earlier than page 12 because it's like, hey, so the folks at Sebastian say you'll get better results from their cellophanes plus hair coloring products if you have them applied in a salon instead of doing it at home. So sorry, ignore what we said in February, which was quite a long time ago. How's your hair?

[Tara]

But also, that's, of course that's what Sebastian's gonna say. Just because you're gonna get better results doesn't mean you're gonna get bad results if you do it yourself instead of taking it to a salon.

[Pam]

Well, all right, but I just think this is covering your butts because a lot of moms are like, what did you. What have you seen? She ruined every towel.

[Tara]

We try. It is back. Protect your bod in the sun is what they're trying this month. And here's what they have for block your face. That spacey looking thing Caroline's lying under. Right. Is the face shade 2000. And because of how she's lying there and because of how they've cropped out half of whatever this thing is, I have no idea what I'm looking at.

[Dave]

I kind of can see her hair through it. So it's slightly transparent. Very slightly. It's like a very dark smoky gray or something like that. Yeah, that does look like she is going headfirst into a George Foreman grill.

[Tara]

Yes. Or I would say like a typewriter, like a manual typewriter cover. You know, when you have the portable ones where it like locks into place.

[Dave]

Wild E. Coyote has just smacked her with half of an anvil from a great height.

[Tara]

It's, it's very strange. But I guess you bring it to the beach and it sticks out of the sand and you lie your. Just your head under it.

[Dave]

Yeah, I think it's just basically right angled thing and you stick one end of it in the sand and then you, you scooch under it and it's just like a, like welder's glass sort of situation.

[Pam]

Imagine you pop a lens out of your glasses, your sunglasses, and then attach that to a chair. Instead of just a shade or an umbrella, just sunglasses, Sunglasses over your head. And when I went to find out more about this, I found a Reddit thread called from six months ago. It's pretty recent. My dad claims to have made a product and I need help finding it. My dad has been here on Earth for a while and has done a lot of stuff. He told me a story the other day about making a product called Face Shade 2000, if I remember correctly. Also the company he made it under was called Sun Gear International. He says he did this in Fort Lauderdale and Miami, Florida during the early 80s. Can anyone help him find more information about this so supposed product online? He also invented the question mark Summers and Rangoon. So they found it and they found all his trademarks and stuff because, you know, the Internet can find everything. And so, yeah, this was by Howard I. Alabaster of Coral Springs, Florida.

[Tara]

That's ironic.

[Dave]

His name is Alabaster. Damn, son.

[Tara]

How do you think he stayed alabaster face shade 2000?

[Pam]

Oh, but I love this. They're like, don't worry, here it is, here's the trademark. And it just sort of gets canceled at some point. Like it expires and he doesn't go back into it. But it says optical lens device on a flexible arm that provides sun protection for the face. Wow, that, hey, Dad's been like a liar. Can someone help me about this one thing? And they're like, no, your dad invented the Face Shield 2000.

[Dave]

The new equivalent would just be like Covid PPE mask, except you would just polarize the. The plastic. Yeah, yeah, that would be a good look at the beach.

[Tara]

Good job, Pam. Because I tried to find it and it was either everything would be about makeup or about. It would be like a gator, you know, like those scarves that you like goes over your whole face and neck. So anyway.

[Pam]

So that you can storm the Capitol or whatever.

[Tara]

Yes, or whatever.

[Pam]

We're not giving advice.

[Tara]

Or go. I know what people use them for. Obviously I have terrible sun damage. I'm not doing any of this stuff. I don't have sun damage. I don't go outside as previously discussed.

[Pam]

Give me the ball. Give me the ball. Give me the ball, says Amy. Yeah. Banda Soleil sport lotion. Makes me feel like an Olympic swimmer, a long distance runner, a lifeguard in Rio. It's a sunscreen and a moisturizer all in one luscious little non smelling package. And it stays on even when you sweat. I brought it all the way down to Antarctica to protect my precious skin. But it'll work just as well in more convenient locales. I love that Amy's getting every stitch of mileage off this trip that someone else paid for. That Sassy is not paying her enough for the amount of copy that she's giving to them.

[Dave]

Invented by James H. Secretions, Zits and stuff, sits and stuff.

[Pam]

This first one's called aerobic stuff in your veins. Is it true that vigorous aerobics, jumping, et cetera, can break blood vessels in your thighs and buttocks and make marks sign concerned. And I'm just like, man, you know, this is such a thing where it's like, careful, you fat ass. You could ruin your body if you run around a lot. But like lift something. Like, you should run around a lot. But also you'll ruin yourself. You'll break a bunch of blood vessels. There's the tiniest chance, they say, of getting bruises from incredibly high impact aerobics, but it's very rare and you'd have to do a lot of jumping for it to happen and it would be very temporary. And then they're like, if you're thinking of spider veins, that's a whole other thing. But I just was like, they're also, they're also like, just go out, please. Exercise. Don't listen to these people.

[Dave]

They're not a whole other thing, Pam. They're a whole other enchilada, according to the copy. Excuse me, Enchilada.

[Pam]

They do say enchilada.

[Dave]

The other notable letter is what's your scalp? How can you tell if your scalp is dry, normal or oily? What is the treatment for each fake letter says fake letter, Gene? Yes, absolutely. If your scalp is itchy and your fingers smell and look greasy after massaging it, or if your hair gets that dirty smell, then you've got an oily scalp. Parentheses tasty.

[Pam]

Yikes.

[Dave]

Maybe laugh. I don't know if it was for the right reasons. Why is tasty there like that? Is that like a Pauly Shore kind of tasty?

[Tara]

No, I think they're just being funny.

[Pam]

You've described almost pizza.

[Tara]

Yeah, yeah. Be like if they put ooh, sexy or something. Yeah, yeah.

[Pam]

All right.

[Dave]

That's all I got.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Let's talk about ads, baby.

[Pam]

I like ads. I wanted to start right at the top. With hands that have nothing to hide. CoverGirl customizes nail care in a very easy eight point question to ask yourself. Which one do you need? Are your nails brittle and break easily or are your nails thin and soft? Same thing, your polish chips. Kind of what nail polish is for. My polish needs to dry faster. That's their problem, not yours. My nails are ridged and bumpy. Of course my nails need extra help to grow that's all nails. Or my nails, cuticles, and hands are rough and dry. That I don't understand how.

[Dave]

Oh, my God.

[Pam]

Anyway. And my cuticles are dry and ragged. Put it all in one container, one nail polish. We can all share the problems.

[Dave]

Too many options here. This is like covergirl style. Choose your own adventure. Like, oh, no, I died in a cave and they found my bones 10,000 years later. Makeup edition.

[Pam]

It's like, hand it to CoverGirl. To make nail care so simple, an eight product line, you customize yourself. Just pick the products you need for the problems, for just the problems you have. Finally, nail care. That's a snap. No, it's an overwhelming amount of shit.

[Dave]

I think you're onto something universal. Makeup Slurry by Pam.

[Pam]

Thank you.

[Dave]

Use it for everything. Moisturizer, your nails, hair removal.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

Eyeshadow.

[Pam]

You just described Vaseline.

[Tara]

I know that you've heard of the three in one. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash. Just you wait.

[Dave]

Yes. Omni makeup from Pam. Put it on your everything.

[Pam]

Dave, what do you think Voice 37 is for?

[Dave]

Oh, my God. Voice 37. I'm gonna guess that is for your. Somehow both your vocal cords and your lips.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

Oh, it's. It's an eyedropper.

[Pam]

Yeah, it's got an eyedropper.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

Same thing as a clear voice, which I'm using right now because I. As you can hear, I've got a little bit of a.

[Dave]

Well, what is it? Just a. Just a numb.

[Pam]

I'm sure it's pure glycerin down the back of my throat with a little mint to. To help with this.

[Dave]

With what, exactly?

[Pam]

My dulcet tones.

[Dave]

Oh, I see. It's just to make your voice better.

[Pam]

Yeah. So moisturizer.

[Dave]

Basically a liquid eq.

[Pam]

It's a liquid what?

[Dave]

Eq.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

It's a liquid green apple.

[Dave]

All right, well, there you go. Put that on the pile of weird Pam shit.

[Pam]

I've got so many. But I'm clearing them out. I'm clearing them out.

[Dave]

What kind of voice do I want today? Clear voice. Sexy, raspy voice. I got a tincture for each.

[Pam]

He's gonna be sad because I've recently added more. I've added a few more supplements. I know, I know. I'm falling apart.

[Tara]

I would love to find out that Pam stopped using Bonafide after they went into Target because, like, they're too mainstream now.

[Dave]

I mean, Pam, I hope you live a long, long life, but when you do finally leave this earth and they do your autopsy and they make that cut. It's just going to be like a popcorn bowl of pills coming out of you spilling over the table, on the floor, all different shapes and colors.

[Pam]

That's fine. There's no reason to brag, but a Uber driver recently insisted I was lying and that I was 10 years younger than I am. So, you know, some of the.

[Dave]

Wanting a tip.

[Pam]

I was gonna say, I know that driver.

[Tara]

A great tip.

[Pam]

You bet I did. You bet I did.

[Tara]

I'll say the last couple of times I've bought lottery tickets, because that jackpot just keeps rising. There's a. I can see on the interface when there's this thing comes up that says, is the. Is the. Is the customer at least 30? And every time they don't ask me, I really get offended, even though I am 87, as I previously said.

[Pam]

Yeah, well, Dave, you cannot say. Well, one last thing. Just so you know, they're now in, like.

[Tara]

They're now like this.

[Pam]

Whoa.

[Dave]

Wow. She's got a whole organizer. It's bigger than the MCDLT box is. Keeps your loony pills hot and your tinctures cold.

[Pam]

Listen, everybody's slightly falling apart. I'm just trying to stay ahead of the game. Just one foot. One foot ahead of the game.

[Dave]

Well, if the doctor ever tells you you need to lose a couple pounds, you could just stop taking supplements for a couple weeks. You'd probably drop at least two.

[Pam]

My supplement weight. Supplement gain.

[Dave]

What section are we in right now?

[Tara]

Ads.

[Pam]

You're at your ad. That's why we're here waiting for you.

[Dave]

Okay, sorry. The next ad to talk about is used by Ellie from Large for. I can't imagine why this brand never took off. You want to wear some jean jackets that say get used on it, Ladies.

[Tara]

She looks so sad. She looks very used. She's waiting for a very depressing bus.

[Dave]

Oh, I got donated to Goodwill. So sad.

[Pam]

Next we have Sea Breeze. Yay. I just thought this ad was so cute.

[Tara]

She's cute.

[Pam]

There's, like, little clip art all over her of, like, oil rigs and oil spills and oil cans, and she's like.

[Dave]

Olive oil for some reason.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

That's great. It says, avoid a crisis. I like all of it. Like the font. I like the way that she's got a perfect lip bite. That's hard to do. It looks like it hurts. It's so perfect.

[Tara]

This tagline was originally, avoid an oil crisis. And then someone was like, too soon. We're still too close to the 70s. Don't say that. Don't Remind anyone says, if there are.

[Pam]

Times your face feels a little crude, why not take care of your skin before the problems begin? That's what I'm doing, Dave. By deep cleaning it with Sea Breeze antiseptic. After all, if there's one place that can live with a shortage of oil, it's your face. That's cute.

[Tara]

God, I loved Sea Breeze. It really made your face feel clean. I'm sure it stripped out way more oil than it was supposed to, but.

[Dave]

Use it too much, you're just a skeleton.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Yeah, that's how it felt. It was very tingly.

[Dave]

It's the same stuff that would be like Oxiclean and stuff like that.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Kind of astringent.

[Tara]

Oh, yes. Yeah. Clean your face, clean your toilet. Either way, you're all set. Page 19. The beautiful Stephanie Seymour is in an Alice band of the type they taught us how to make a few months ago with our old run runny tights, wearing a Pop swatch. This is around the time I had a pops watch. I. I say bring them back. These bands are fun. You could put these bands on an Apple watch. People would love it. Next on page 29, we got a whole calendar. Carefree teens, you can wear these. Whatever's going on with you, menstrual wise. And I just wanted to point out, this is Leslie Bib, star of the White Lotus, season three, girlfriend of Sam Rockwell.

[Pam]

She. I mean, how old is she? Because she looks not. I mean, she looks adult here. You know what I mean? How old is Leslie?

[Tara]

She had just won. I'm gonna look it up. She'd won some model. Like an Oprah show modeling contest, I think the year before this. Because it's on her. Yeah, she. When she was 16. In 1990s. So she is 16 or 17. At the time this ad comes out, the Oprah Winfrey show and the Elite agency held the nationwide modeling searches. Celebrity judges, including John Casablancas, Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista and Iman chose Bib as the winner. Not bad. Other than that one guy who is a pervert we now know. Allegedly. But good for her.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

It's a terrible way to organize a calendar, though.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

Well, Dave, if you menstruated every month, you would also organize your calendar in such a way. You're like, today I get to wear shoes. Today's basketball. This other day I keep my legs crossed in.

[Dave]

Hang on. Whoa. Stop. Today I get to wear shoes.

[Pam]

Yeah, sometimes you swell. You're all swollen.

[Dave]

Oh, I see.

[Pam]

Get it. Moving on to caboodles, which we've talked about before, but I just. This is some false advertising here you got a picture on the left called. You've got it. And it's just this pile of shit. And then on the other side, it's together and it's like everything fits in a caboodle. But if you look at the pile of shit. No, you can't. There's like a spray bottle. There's a phone. There's a curling iron. There's like, you know, car. There's so much shit in there. It is not fitting in your caboodle.

[Dave]

Oh, my God. That spray bottle is huge. It's taller than a caboodle would be. There's a Venus de Milo in there. In a shower.

[Tara]

Yes. There she is.

[Pam]

There she is.

[Tara]

To Sky.

[Pam]

There's a diary. Yeah.

[Dave]

There's a locket with a dude.

[Tara]

Oh, sure.

[Pam]

There's so much stuff in here. And very giant makeup brushes that do make it to the other side. Cause I did look. I'm like, okay. They put like three things in the caboodle.

[Dave]

The problem is the left side with all the shit is so much more fun than what's in the caboodle. Like there's a Walkman in there or something like that too.

[Tara]

I think.

[Dave]

I. Wait, There's a phone in here, but only has nine buttons.

[Tara]

I was about to say that is like some kind of candy container or.

[Dave]

Something called 18 not hundred.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Hey, mom, does your. Does your daughter's boyfriend have a phone number with a zero in it? Well, we've got the phone for you.

[Tara]

There is a fish skeleton. There's a boot with the soul peeled away. There's a license plate from Florida. This is everything that was in that other shark stomach when they cut it open.

[Dave]

That's right.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

All this stuff traveled down the Gulf Stream.

[Tara]

This shark came straight from Sephora.

[Dave]

Fantastic.

[Pam]

A couple pages down, we have an ad for Advil that is the most, like, grown up. This is supposed to be in Ms. Magazine. Absolute. Adults are saying things that they obviously didn't say. And the whole thing looks very medical. Why? More and more menstrual pain sufferers are switching to Advil and they call them young women. They're not. These women have children.

[Tara]

Yes. Yeah.

[Pam]

This first one says Advil means that the pain goes away and I can continue my day and feel good about it. Jennifer Travers. This is all. This is the first AI ad ever. Cheryl Lynn Andrews says Advil was recommended to me by a doctor and I'm very pleased with it and I'm very Hard to please.

[Tara]

Oh, goodness.

[Pam]

Dana Thompson on the bottom, who will say donna for Tara. But I'm not sure that this is a real person either. I've told all my friends to use Advil because it's worked so well for me. Just a gun to her head, clearly. So not a camera.

[Tara]

Judge Dana Thompson says you read it wrong.

[Dave]

I've told all my friends to use Advil because it's worked so well for me. Says Tim Robinson of I think you should leave.

[Tara]

It's also. I mean, the rest of the sentence feels like it's going to be, I've told all my friends to use Advil because it's worked so well for me. And anyone who doesn't listen, I'm cutting them out of my life.

[Pam]

That's right. Right out. And, you know, I know we're in a Advil being like, told you so Tylenol moment, but this is crazy. Just one Advil is as effective as two regular aspirin or two regular strength Tylen. Yet as effective as it is, Advil is gentler to the stomach than aspirin. And then, I don't know, they just open. Oh, here's the other part. The Doctors recommend Advil 50 million times. I don't know about these stats. For all kinds of pain, including headache, backache, muscle aches, minor arthritis pain. You know, teens. When your minor arthritis pain comes in. Yeah, get some Advil. I recommend it to all my friends. I'm very pleased with it and I'm very hard to please. From Whitehall Laboratories.

[Tara]

Yeah, this. This lady in the middle is the. She's the assistant from Veep who's just sick of everyone's shit.

[Pam]

She's wearing Oreos for earrings. They are enormous. She opened them up, ate the double stuff inside, and then popped one on each earlobe. Next, finally answering Tara's prayers. On the next page, we have the Sassiest boy in America wanted poster. Oh, where, oh, where? I'm sorry. Close your eyes, Tara. There is a picture.

[Tara]

Thank you.

[Pam]

Close your eyes. Don't look at this. Don't look at it.

[Tara]

They can't advertise for the new sassiest boy in America without reminding us of the old sassiest boy in America. And I do mean old.

[Pam]

They're even calling it son of Sassiest boy in America. That's how old they know he's ready to be a father. It says they're looking to replace the reigning one, retiring in October. And there's a list of things he must be alienation from society. A plus but not required flexible hour salary. A. 000,000 per year. Benefits include a trip to New York with a friend, many hours spent in the company of adorable sassy staff members. I'm moving over to a Magic 8 ball. Invaluable and consistent media exposure. Starting with the spread in the October issue. This one they can say. And a lick on the face from the sassy staff member of his choice. Ew. Then I want. It says photos are okay too though. But hain guys are fully eligible. What is that? But hain. But hein. But hein.

[Tara]

But heinous. I assume.

[Pam]

Oh. Ugly. Okay. Thank you. But heinous. But hein guys. Gotcha. Thank you for sassy. Definition 30. Whatever. I. I needed that anyway. They're looking Tara. They're trying to replace him as fast as. As you can.

[Tara]

Well, hurry the up. I'm sick of this guy.

[Dave]

But they have to fight, right? The new one and the old one. They have to fight.

[Pam]

They do have to fight. Yes.

[Dave]

It's like a Thunderdome situation.

[Pam]

I hope so.

[Dave]

Yeah. We lost Tara. She doesn't. She really does have an.

[Tara]

I couldn't remember what the. What the next the second sassiest boy in America looked like. So I had to go and grab my issue. Anyway. Continue.

[Pam]

All right. I'm moving on to this finesse ad a couple pages later. Because this pose of this grown ass man finally touching this woman soft enough to touch moose. They finally figured out a moose you could touch. It's the hole that loves to be.

[Tara]

No such moose exists.

[Pam]

This man is doing. Here's the church. Here's the steeple. He's opening the doors to crash. Her hand smooshing the top of her.

[Tara]

Head all the way down.

[Pam]

And she knows it. And she's like. I wish she'd stop. She's curled up in a pain ball. And he's looking at.

[Dave]

He's watched too many Steven Seagal movies.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

It's a very unnatural pose. And so wait.

[Dave]

Mousse is always crunchy and mousse is kind of He.

[Tara]

Really? Yeah. It's at least stiff. It doesn't. Doesn't make your hair feel nice Generally. Yeah. Do I still use. It sometimes Comes out like shaving cream.

[Dave]

Right? It's like that.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

Yeah. Or it's gel. If it's not shaving cream, you're looking at gel.

[Tara]

Let's move on to our fractional ads on page 68. Second one down in the first column. Hold on to your shirt with a Zed's hot ice shirt. This model has such tall hair. She is begging to get a makeover from Sassy with hair like this.

[Pam]

And this is mousse and hairspray.

[Tara]

It. It's every and back combing for. I mean, this is like an hour's worth of hair styling is what we're looking at. It's so tall. There's like another. Another face. Height's worth of hair above her forehead. And also Zed's hot ice. Again, this is another. Sounds like an AI Generated brand name that you find in Amazon Basics, whatever this shirt is, but I honestly can't pay attention to that. I'm so fascinated by this lady.

[Dave]

It's a hypercolor.

[Tara]

It's fake.

[Pam]

Hypercolor. Yeah. It's a hyper color ripoff shirt in.

[Tara]

A black and white illustration. Great. Good job, guys.

[Dave]

They have to show it from the back. Otherwise you just see two big booby marks on the front.

[Pam]

That's true.

[Dave]

Because her hot boobs.

[Pam]

If you told me there was a cocker spaniel on her shoulder and that's not hair, I'd be like, yes, there is a dog attached.

[Dave]

It does look like it.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

Got two little feet there walking, trying to get out of the mother hair.

[Pam]

They're eating spaghetti together, and their lips have touched and they took the picture.

[Tara]

I now realize what's making me sad about this is that she's reminding me of how bad my own hair was.

[Dave]

It looks like the hair from your novel cover.

[Pam]

Yep. Yes.

[Tara]

That's great. Eight. That's. That's perm time for sure. I hope she's doing well. Zed's hot ice model. Colin 720. Sassy. Go. We just want to know if you're okay.

[Dave]

Well, speaking of things that change colors.

[Tara]

Speaking of things that change color, the chameleon in quotation marks. TM coffee mug. Cool black mug. Changes into psychedelic colors when filled in parentheses. Mood ring of 90s, not the 90s.

[Pam]

We.

[Tara]

We don't have all the space.

[Pam]

We don't have enough room also.

[Tara]

That's plenty.

[Dave]

Also possessive.

[Tara]

Yep. Thank you. Could have said 90s mood ring, but they don't. Optimistic Inc. I bet you were when you registered this product.

[Pam]

Your first car. Right in the middle here. How to buy and maintain your own first car yourself.

[Tara]

It's easy.

[Pam]

Send only $5.50 now to Dallow D A L O.

[Dave]

Sure.

[Pam]

And then just an address in weight.

[Dave]

Planes, probably with the carburetor.

[Pam]

You just give me $5.50, you get your first car. It's easy. I don't understand what's happening here I it's got heart.

[Dave]

It is a pamphlet that has an illustration of a flat tire and how to use a jack to get it on and off. That's what it is.

[Tara]

What's happening here is Dallow has found out how to buy their first car themselves. It's easy scam sassy readers into sending.

[Pam]

Me 550 now now why did so.

[Dave]

Many of those things of this era especially in the 80s come out of White Plains, New York? Because I remember that being a hot city for this stuff. Your Pueblo.

[Pam]

Pueblo, Colorado.

[Dave]

Well, Pueblo was.

[Tara]

That was government.

[Dave]

Government stuff. Yeah but if it was just like you know, terrible. You're gonna buy from a TV ad that ended with the blue screen with yellow letters on it. It came from White Plains a lot of the time. I think it was just probably one company with a giant scam warehouse.

[Tara]

No doubt like like Delaware corporations that are all in the same building including ours. The inside of the back cover got an ad for terrific T apostrophe R I F I C yes correctly. Thank you Dave.

[Dave]

We thank you.

[Tara]

This is a new line of, you know skin care products including a scrubble puff. You know what I don't hate it. I think that's adorable but the the top of the ad is a butt with jeans on that have a whole bunch of holes and you can see her I hope turquoise leggings underneath but could just be underwear. Care for your face the way you care for your jeans and they'll both end up looking like this. Cool as hell. This is what you pray your jeans are going to look like when you wear them out like this sexy. Yeah these jeans are very desirable. I hope whoever's but this is they still have these jeans and wear them often. Terrific. I don't think ever made it to Canada.

[Pam]

None of this looks familiar to me I nor me. I don't know this at all.

[Tara]

Yeah we had Sea Breeze and we liked it. Diary One way to ask a guy out. Jane writes I never usually use this valuable monthly space to promote anyone other than me and the sassy staff. But one night while doing my simultaneous story reading slash MTV watching I suddenly became mesmerized by the sight of my future husb if you're saying you've heard me use that phrase once too often. Just chill. The semi pained eyed high cheekboned long haired singer guitarist hyphens just flying here and there. In some places they should be, other places they shouldn't. In a band named Jesus Jones doing a song called Right here right now So I decided to abuse my executive position a little to get a date with him. A new low. This really is a new low. Because whatever happened, it was too boring for her to try to turn it into a whole profile of this guy. First she found out his name, which is Mike Edwards. And then it's like we met, we went shopping for shoes, we had dinner.

[Dave]

I licked his neck, as is our custom.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

And then he's cool and nice and the whole thing could have been stilted, but was actually fun and easy because he was so talkative and jokey and articulate. I guess we'll have to take your word for it because we don't get any of that.

[Dave]

Is there another song called Right Here, Right Now?

[Tara]

No. This is one you're thinking of Right here, right now.

[Dave]

Oh, you know what I'm thinking of Fat Boy Slim.

[Pam]

Right?

[Dave]

Because that's a lyric right, right here. Yes, it is.

[Tara]

Right, right now.

[Pam]

Right here, right, right now.

[Dave]

Anyway, think Fat Boy Slim. Still fat or slim.

[Tara]

Say what? Say what?

[Pam]

Nicole from Flushing, New York writes, I can totally relate to. I hate going backstage. After winning backstage passes from a radio station, I thought I'd become great friends with my favorite band, New Kids on the block. About 10 of us got to meet Jonathan Knight. Yeah, we got pictures, a hug, and he autographed my jeans. But I left there depressed. I guess I thought something extraordinary would happen, but it didn't. Nicole, get the fuck over yourself. Do you understand? You got hugged by a new kid and he signed your jeans. You went with ten friends like you.

[Tara]

What are you talking about?

[Pam]

This is fanfic shit. Nicole. Well, lower your standards.

[Tara]

Maybe she sent something because we now know Jonathan is the New Kid on the Block who is gay. Possibly. Might be why she did not feel a connection with him that she was hoping for. Also, that, you know, she's a fan and he's an adult and it would have been appropriate.

[Dave]

Nicole, you ever think you're supposed to date ladies just because you're supposed to?

[Pam]

Wasn't he also the one that was on like Oprah, like in a full on panic attack? Because he is not okay outside.

[Tara]

Like, yes, he's very shy.

[Pam]

He's so shy.

[Tara]

Or was at the shy one and.

[Pam]

He hugged her like. I don't know. I just feel like. Nicole, give those passes to someone who deserves it. Ridiculous. Whoa, I'm mad.

[Tara]

That's hard. I saw my friend. We hate you.

[Pam]

No, says Spam.

[Tara]

Nicole.

[Pam]

My friend Amber did months, months, months of work and phone calls and listening to the radio. And cutting out things and mailing shit in and writing letters and essays just to get a ticket to one show. How dare. How dare you spend our valuable eyes reading your complaints about getting a hug. If Johnny Depp had even dropped a pen on my knee, I'd still be talking about it in his prime. In his prime. Let's all be clear. I know same thing. Michael Jackson. All my exes are disgraces but Harvey.

[Tara]

Weinstein, she had a pin up poster of him on her wall.

[Pam]

Whomst amongst us didn't write a little Harvey Fanfic. If you even get near them, near them you get excited near them. A hug and your jeans autograph. I just say this is. This is why people hate me.

[Dave]

Oh, time to move on.

[Pam]

That time.

[Tara]

We're heading into our holiday break, which means we're skipping a slumber party for now. But you should still get your calls in for the super sized June and July 1991 slumber party that will be coming in January. For now, our next episode will be the July 1991 till Teen Life episode. Learn how to dump a guy. Go to Hamburger University. Try to get past the fact that there's a word we now consider a slur right on the COVID As we talked about earlier, please, please try to get past that. We will as well.

[Dave]

You can support this podcast. Just $5 a month gets you that PDF scan, access to our Discord ad free episodes, and of course your choice of one of Pam's half used bottles of pills.

[Pam]

Yeah, go for the zinc. That's it. All right. You can call us at 7:20 Sassy go leave us a voicemail about the show. Like we said, you can be on a future slumber party episode at. Listen to sassy.com there's links to our visual aids, contact info for us, and everything else about this podcast. Thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time.

[Dave]

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[Tara]

Love and all the shades that make.

[Dave]

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