March 1991 Fashion Etc.: Prom, Rompers & Cuticles

Summary

Podcast Title: Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s
Episode: March 1991 Fashion Etc.: Prom, Rompers & Cuticles
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole
Release Date: June 3, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s, hosts Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole embark on a nostalgic journey through the March 1991 issue of Sassy magazine. Focusing on prom fashion, rompers, and nail care, the trio provides insightful and humorous commentary on the trends and advice of the early '90s, offering listeners both a trip down memory lane and a critical analysis of past teenage culture.

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Prom Fashion and Preparations

Pam: (00:55) Opens the discussion by setting the scene of March 1991, referencing Cindy Crawford's prominence in Vogue and Cosmo, and touches upon societal anxieties like the Gulf War. She humorously juxtaposes these heavy topics with the more relatable concerns of high school students preparing for prom.

Tara: (02:34) Highlights the uniqueness of Sassy magazine's timing, remarking on the coincidence of the prom-themed issue aligning with actual prom season. She also introduces an insert in the magazine that provides a day-by-day countdown to prom, filled with tips and checklists.

David: (03:30) Engages in a playful debate with Pam about appropriating as prom planners, adding levity to the conversation.

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Rompers: The Fashion Fad

The hosts delve into the resurgence of rompers in Sassy's March 1991 fashion spread, dissecting both the designs and the practicality of wearing such garments.

Pam: (06:19) Initiates the romper discussion, describing them as "super rompers" comparable to the "Captain America of rompers," emphasizing their tight fit and youthful appeal.

Tara: (07:00) Explains the concept of rompers as short jumpsuits, while Pam humorously critiques their functionality, especially in scenarios like using airplane bathrooms.

David: (08:00) Adds to the humor by imagining the logistical challenges of unzipping rompers in public restrooms, leading to a comedic exchange about the impracticality of such outfits.

Notable Quote:

Pam: "I have a cuticle cutter so close at hand that I was able to show it on the zoom without even making a noise because it's sitting on top of next month's Sassy magazine on my desk." (29:50)

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Prom Inserts and Practical Advice

The discussion shifts to the magazine's prom inserts, which offer practical advice for students preparing for prom night.

Pam: (15:02) Critiques the magazine's fashion stories, describing the featured outfits as reminiscent of outdated styles and overly elaborate, likening them to "dance costumes."

Tara: (16:52) Introduces the prom countdown calendar, which provides a structured timeline for preparations, covering everything from dress selection to footwear.

Pam: (18:18) Emphasizes the importance of breaking in prom shoes to avoid blisters, sharing a personal anecdote about practical shoe choices.

Notable Quote:

Pam: "I cannot imagine asking a single person, 'Will you come over and we dress rehearsal prom.' Certainly not the boys taking you to prom." (18:56)

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Beauty Tips and Nail Care

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to analyzing Sassy's beauty advice, particularly focusing on cuticle care and nail maintenance.

David: (25:27) Opens the beauty segment by critically examining the magazine's cuticle care tips, equating cuticle maintenance to shaving sensitive parts of the body.

Pam: (27:24) Provides a humorous take on the importance of maintaining healthy cuticles, linking neglect to hygiene issues.

Tara: (27:16) Shares personal anecdotes about using cuticle cutters and struggles with nail care, adding relatability to the discussion.

Notable Quotes:

David: "What do you mean by nails look nicer? More nail visible part of it. This is like shaving your pubes or your dick looks bigger." (26:03)

Pam: "She looks like someone flattened my fingers with a frying pan. I went ow." (31:58)

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Advertisements Analysis

The hosts provide a critical and humorous review of the various advertisements featured in the March 1991 issue, highlighting both the creativity and the absurdity of certain ads.

Pam: (38:09) Discusses a CoverGirl ad featuring hyper-colored nails that resemble a "human centipede scorpion tail collection," expressing discomfort and distaste for the imagery.

Tara: (43:00) Analyzes the Paul Mitchell ad featuring a woman with "crying dog turd" earrings, questioning the logic and intent behind the accessory choice.

David: (44:00) Critiques the East Pack backpack ad, mocking the transformation of a "nerd" into a "cool guy" with exaggerated and unrealistic portrayals.

Notable Quotes:

Pam: "This looks so dumb that it's actually hard to understand what picture." (24:18)

Dave: "These leggings are so gross. The elastic strap is sad and granny. You can see beyond a camel toe in them." (64:26)

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Period Myths and Advertorials

The episode also tackles the period myths presented in Sassy's advertorial segment, with the hosts debunking absurd beliefs and sharing their perspectives.

Tara: (55:31) Introduces a list of period myths, prompting a humorous yet informative discussion among the hosts.

Pam: (56:48) Shares an anecdote from Guatemala about cultural misconceptions regarding periods and gardening, adding depth to the conversation.

Notable Quotes:

Pam: "This makes sense. It's some mom being like, 'I can't help, I'm on my period, so I can't water the plants.'” (56:03)

David: "Have you ever bought someone one of those, like, tampon tools? I want to know if they work." (68:04)

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Sassy Magazine's Prom Party and Wrap-Up

Wrapping up the fashion and beauty segments, the hosts revisit the prom party depicted in the magazine, including images of oversized dresses and ill-advised fashion choices.

Pam: (61:58) Mocks the winner of the "World's Most Coolly Repainted Bedroom Contest," joking about the participant's academic achievements rather than their artistic choices.

Tara: (66:04) Comments on the prom party photos, noting the presence of oversized daisy earrings and berets, indicative of the early '90s trend.

David: (67:03) Ends the fashion critique with a humorous take on excessive adornments, likening them to Bob's over-the-top styles.

Notable Quote:

Tara: "Putting on your tampon shouldn't suck. Just find another way to put that." (59:30)

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Closing Remarks and Call to Action

In the final segment, the hosts encourage listener interaction by inviting them to participate in quizzes and share their own experiences related to the topics discussed.

Tara: (67:32) Promotes additional content, including reviews and interviews related to the final season of Big Mouth, linking period discussions back to current media.

Pam: (68:04) Encourages listeners to become contributors by calling the hotline and sharing their stories, fostering a sense of community.

David: (69:39) Concludes with a light-hearted remark about recent movie screenings, maintaining the episode's humorous tone.

Notable Quote:

Pam: "Keep bleeding." (68:36)

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Conclusion

This episode of Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s offers a comprehensive and entertaining exploration of the March 1991 issue of Sassy magazine. Through witty banter and insightful critiques, Tara, Pam, and Dave provide listeners with both nostalgia and thoughtful analysis of early '90s teenage culture, fashion, and beauty standards. The inclusion of personal anecdotes and humorous exchanges ensures that the summary remains engaging and relatable, even for those who did not experience the era firsthand.

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Key Quotes with Timestamps:

• Pam: "Nobody's ever gonna ask you to prom with grizzled hand stumps like these." (01:43)
• Tara: "Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy." (02:00)
• Dave: "What do you mean by nails look nicer? More nail visible part of it." (26:03)
• Tammy: "If you're going to dance, your cuticles are a mess." (26:03)
• Pam: "This looks so dumb that it's actually hard to understand what picture." (24:18)
• Tara: "Putting on your tampon shouldn't suck. Just find another way to put that." (59:30)
• Pam: "Keep bleeding." (68:36)

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Note: This episode contains candid discussions about teenage topics such as prom, fashion trends, and menstrual health. The hosts approach these subjects with humor and honesty, reflecting the candid spirit of Sassy magazine.

Transcript

[Pam]

Packages by Expedia. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights, hotels and hammocks for less. Expedia made to travel.

[Tara]

High school students are signing a promise this year, the Nationwide Insurance promise, to not use alcohol or drugs on prom night. Nationwide sees this program as a way to help stop teenage drunk driving.

[Dave]

Kids see it as a.

[Tara]

A way to and an even better way for the people in their lives to get some peace of mind.

[Dave]

Sponsored by Nationwide, K92 and WSET.

[Pam]

It is March 1991. Cindy Crawford's on the COVID of Vogue and Cosmo. A line skirts are back and Brigham Young relaxes its dress code, permitting shorts and sandals in class for the first time. I'm guessing they probably still had to wear socks. I don't know. But you don't care too much about all that because you were still kind of rattled about the Gulf War. Honestly, like, that could have been a really big deal and you could have known someone who was drafted. Like, what are we even doing on this planet? This planet, this that is dying? This planet that continues to beg for us to care, to stop eating meat or testing on animals. This planet that has aids. This planet that doesn't stop turning even when so many go hungry at night. So many are homeless. So many are under the threat of nuclear warfare. So many.

[Tara]

So what?

[Pam]

That's what they want you to say.

[Tara]

So what?

[Pam]

To grab your diaries and bury your heads and think about the state of your cuticles. But I mean, like, your cuticles are a mess. It's like you dug yourself out of a coffin. Nobody's ever gonna ask you to prom with grizzled hand stumps like these. Maybe go back to the latest issue of your favorite magazine that cares about everything you do, including your nails.

[Tara]

Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy.

[Dave]

Glad we got back to reality on that diary entry at the end there.

[Pam]

It's just a little stuffy. Wrote detour. You know, it's so rare that the magazine's month and topic lines up to, like, what's happening in actual life now. And it is prom time. It's been prom time. And reading about prom during prom time is a weird brain thing where you forget this is from 1991.

[Tara]

This is, of course, still the March issue, which is. That's how long they think it takes to get all your shit together. I mean, it does have. There's an insert in this issue and we'll talk about it where it has a day by day for, like, what you should Be doing for the month before prom. Like to get all your stuff together.

[Pam]

This is also prior to the concept of promposals.

[Tara]

Sure.

[Pam]

Come up at all in this magazine. I feel like there would have been an entire. So you want to do the promposal essay or maybe a fiction about the promposal that went wrong?

[Tara]

Yep. Could be reading that. Or a contest, maybe.

[Pam]

Mm. Yes. Your best promposals.

[Tara]

Mm.

[Pam]

What's the sassiest boy in America doing? Let's find out.

[Tara]

He is not allowed in prom because he is old.

[Pam]

He is old. He is pushing 30 crash in proms to dump blood on unsuspecting prom queens.

[Tara]

Yeah, that sounds like Nation of Ulysses behavior for sure.

[Pam]

What age do you show someone Carrie? Because, like, I'm dying too, but I think 12 is too young. What age is Carrie Appropriate? I definitely saw it 10, and that was not okay.

[Tara]

I mean, it is kicked off with a first period, so, you know, you could argue.

[Dave]

Wait. Blood or class?

[Pam]

Both. It actually is happening in first period. I don't know that it's her first period.

[Tara]

No, I think it is she. Because she's, like, taken by surprise. She doesn't know what's happening. That's the case in the book, anyway. I'm pretty sure.

[Pam]

No, no, you're right. I just mistook it for. I don't have anything. What?

[Tara]

Help me. Help me. I think it's in my memory.

[Pam]

But you're right. She doesn't know what's going on because no one taught her about it because.

[Tara]

Her mom is crazy.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Anyway, sounds like you're good.

[Dave]

Okay, movie night sorted out.

[Pam]

7:20. Sassy. Go. Once we finish this latest episode of Gilmore Girls, I'll just roll right into it. Our cover this month is by George Holtz. I just wanted to. I just wanted to say this is such a boring cover for prom. Everything, it just says dance. Like all of it is so boring. Dance.

[Dave]

What does it say?

[Pam]

Dance. And then it says, the 20 males who melt our butter. How a Frat Rape Shook up one campus. The replacements. A vision and flannel dance. It's so boring.

[Tara]

Yeah, it's. It's off model. I miss the ones like the. From the first year where it was just a white field. And then the model in the front. They were so. They looked so distinctive. They felt like a matching set. I understand the aesthetics have to evolve, but I don't like it.

[Pam]

No, they don't. She doesn't seem sassy at all, too. At least there's usually an element of, like, you Know, I'm. I'm more than you think. Pretty but doesn't know it or whatever. None of that's happening here.

[Tara]

Yeah, the shot on About Face where they talk about, you know, how they made the COVID is even more catalogy. This looks like Sears catalog shit on the About Face page to me. But we also get to know what all of the cosmetics were that they used for the shot, including lipstick in Navajo brown. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Our first fashion feature is called all in One. And it has a little description of what's going on that I guess Dave skipped. Skipped? Because when I put in the note just be dresses, Dave said they're not. They're not. They are one piece, like rompers.

[Dave]

Okay. Well, according to the copy, they're super rompers. Well, the Captain America of rompers.

[Pam]

I think there's. They're super rompers because they're skater skirt length, they're tight. These are tiny rompers. These are made for your twiest friends.

[Dave]

All right.

[Pam]

Who are teensy.

[Tara]

This was.

[Dave]

We need to define romper for Dave, though.

[Tara]

It's like, you know what a jumpsuit is, right?

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

It's a short jumpsuit. That's it.

[Pam]

Yeah, it's a onesie for adults. It's a onesie.

[Dave]

It's a jumper. But instead of pants, they're shorts length. Correct. And they don't have sleeves.

[Tara]

Well, these ones don't, but a romper can.

[Dave]

It's like a jumpsuit and overalls had a baby.

[Tara]

Sort of. Sure.

[Dave]

Kind of.

[Pam]

I think our overalls rompers, maybe.

[Tara]

Yeah, I guess an argument could be made.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Wow. I didn't think we're going to get into batching taxonomy today.

[Tara]

Semantics.

[Pam]

Well, it's. It's because Big Romper wants you to believe every year that this is the solution to all your sartorial.

[Dave]

Are we talking about the industry or my rap name?

[Pam]

Listen, when will Big Romper planning a tour?

[Dave]

He's got.

[Tara]

Oh, thank God.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Romp, romp, romp, romp. We can't wait. We can't wait because when you step into Big Romper, you can't get out easily. Not without showing, as Tara put it, your tits. Yeah.

[Tara]

This is my problem with jumpsuits and rompers. Like if you. You can just. Just plan not to pee while you have them on, because you have to get your whole self out just to, you know, pull them down.

[Dave]

Okay, so I'm looking at the first photo.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

She's in a white super romper.

[Tara]

Yeah, she is tempting fate.

[Dave]

Go On Kind of like she should be playing tennis in it. Kind of.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

It's got that feel to it.

[Pam]

So we're getting on a plane if.

[Dave]

She get back to that needs to pee. Yeah, she has to. What are the operations?

[Tara]

She has to unzip it.

[Dave]

Okay, so is that a zipper in the front?

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Okay, unzip the front and then pull.

[Tara]

Down the whole top.

[Pam]

Like a big girl who's going potty.

[Dave]

But like all she got to pull the top all the way down below her crotch.

[Tara]

Correct.

[Dave]

Basically, she's got to get this whole thing down at her feet.

[Tara]

That's right.

[Dave]

So you're sitting in the stall almost completely naked.

[Tara]

I mean, especially if you're out in public with this white thing. You know, you're. You're gathering it around your knees so it doesn't touch the floor and get right, you know, whatever on it.

[Dave]

Has anybody questioned the makers of rompers about this?

[Pam]

Yeah, me.

[Tara]

I will never wear one of these. Origin suit. I know that. That, like.

[Dave]

No, no, no, no. I just don't mean philosophically. I mean 60 minute style. Have we had one of these news confrontation things with Big Romp?

[Pam]

We could get a Netflix special. It would be called Romper Stomper. That's a problematic.

[Tara]

I mean, like, the thing is they make these for babies because you want to just have one piece, right? Pam, back me up.

[Pam]

These are for babies, but they crotch snap.

[Tara]

Exactly. That's my point. The ones you have for babies have snaps so that you don't have to take the whole thing off a baby. When you do it, you just open the. Sorry, but the baby's crotch and then pull it up.

[Pam]

I think lady in white here looks like she has snaps in her crotch because it's just too much. I know she doesn't.

[Tara]

Oh, she does.

[Pam]

Not working.

[Dave]

I got a better question for you. Why even put clothes on a baby to start with?

[Tara]

A lot of people don't.

[Pam]

I'm very far away.

[Dave]

Just put them in one of those Jolly jumpers and just let them pee and poo on the floor and just put some newspaper down.

[Tara]

Oh, well, you took it one step too far.

[Dave]

No, I didn't. I innovated is what you meant to say.

[Tara]

I've seen it.

[Dave]

Another poo innovation from Big Romper Bears Romper World Tour. Big Poop.

[Pam]

He's the shit. So here's the thing about these rompers. Also, when you. You brought it up like when at one point you're just balancing all this fabric around the space between your knees so that Touches neither the toilet nor the floor. This is impossible in an airplane bathroom, as Pam recently learned, because while she doesn't fall victim to the romper because knees I don't want anyone seeing them. Number two, I will wear a jumpsuit. And every time I have regrets. There's one jumpsuit. It's working for me. Looks like Pam's a director.

[Tara]

Of course you have regrets.

[Pam]

Greta Gerwig's fault.

[Tara]

It's Greta Gerwig's mom. You did this to yourself last week.

[Pam]

I did this to myself. Got to where this is just a single woman's problem. You cannot zip from butt to neck by yourself. So I couldn't.

[Tara]

I had.

[Pam]

I had seven minutes. I knew how long I had to to go to the bathroom and come back to. We'll call it set. And I'm in a bathroom, a public bathroom that has mostly high school girls in it. So I o. And I open up the. I'm half naked because I am in the middle of getting out of this romper jumpsuit sitch.

[Tara]

Now you're committing a sex crime. Go on.

[Pam]

Now I'm committing a sex crime. I have to go back into the bathroom and peep through the little crack, waiting for one adult to walk by. I see a lady and I go, I'm so sorry. Can you help me unzip this all the way down? And she says to me, I've heard about this.

[Tara]

Yeah, she's heard about it from people who made mistakes. How do you say. You say this happens to you every time. How has it happened more than once? Why would you do this to yourself? Pam, when I go to the airport, I don't even wear shoes that tie like anything that is going to be an impediment to you living your life is a mistake. Take all of your jumpsuits and burn them in your yard. Should not be.

[Pam]

I look pretty fly in this one, though.

[Tara]

I'm sure you look great. That's not the point. You wear it for a photo shoot as long as you know how long it's going to be. And then take it back to the store.

[Dave]

I know the answer to this is no. I don't. But, Pam, if you remember in Reyes Lost Ark where the Nazi interrogator walks into the tent and he looks like he's got some strangling device, but it turns out to be a coat hanger. It's all segmented so you can put it away in your purse. If you had a coat hanger, you could have hooked in the zipper really great into A coat hanger, and then zipped it up that way. So, you know, consider that next time you want to wear a big romper.

[Pam]

Another life tip from Big Romper, by the way.

[Dave]

Congratulations, Pam. You won the phrase that sounds like a Hemingway novel prize for this episode for nor the toilet or the floor.

[Pam]

You know? Thank you.

[Dave]

Can we talk about page 42?

[Pam]

Sure. Yeah.

[Dave]

Page 42 has sort of this 50s diner vibe. Is. Is this a romper as well?

[Tara]

Yeah, this is probably just all stretchy.

[Dave]

I see. It says bottom romper. What's that? Sounds dirty. Checkerboard bottom romper.

[Tara]

Oh, no. Checkerboard bottom romper. It's the checkerboard bottom. Bottom is modifying or. Sorry. Checkerboard is modifying bottom. And so it's probably just super stretchy. So she's like, somehow put her entire body through that turtleneck, or there's a zipper on the back, and she's Pam. The next time she has to go to the bathroom.

[Pam]

So that looks a little easier to get in and out of, honestly, because it looks stretchy. Yeah, it does look checkered in.

[Dave]

Checkerboard patterns are very dangerous.

[Tara]

True.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Because first of all, great. You know, if you want to see every contour, checkerboard is your thing.

[Tara]

That's right.

[Dave]

But also, it's stitched in the front, so there's a lot of gravity, well, crotch action here. So all checkerboards lead to crotch.

[Pam]

Her gusset is not helping her out here. And then that they seam it up the middle. There were other options in the manufacturing.

[Dave]

I mean, you might as well just put a bullseye there, frankly.

[Tara]

Correct. But I also would just say there's no reason for this garment to be one piece. Like, it's shorts and a top. They don't even look like they're cohering within itself. Why would you make this? Why would you sell it? Why would you inflict it on the public? Like at least some of the other ones on page 40 and 41. They both just look like dresses because they've got a little skirt and then shorts underneath, I assume. Not that we can see them. And I assume this is so that you can wear something that looks like a dress. And then if you want to do a cartwheel, no one can see your underpants. But just be dresses. Like, just make them a tiny bit longer to be dresses. If it's gonna look this much like a dress, be a dress. The worst one, in my opinion, though, is on page 43, where it's, like, essentially a unitard. This looks like a dance costume to Me. But it's like a halter situation. And then it's got faux white pockets with gold buttons on it. And it looks like the Chanel suit that Marge Simpson keeps cutting up and remaking in that episode of the Simpsons. It does to make herself look elegant with this. A suit she found at the secondhand store or the factory outlet or whatever.

[Dave]

You want to explain that some more?

[Pam]

These are all. Yeah, I don't. These are all the outfits that are the year Urban Outfitters and or Forever 21 just, like, went so fast fashion that nobody can wear them. Like, as you put them on, they deteriorate. Every button falls off, every thread is breaking. Everybody looks cheap. She's only getting away with it because she's mostly covering up every outfit with her arms, her hands, her bending so that you can't tell.

[Tara]

It's true.

[Pam]

These are cheap.

[Tara]

This last one could have cut out boobs, and you would never know because of how she's posing.

[Pam]

And those buttons are falling off before she gets to school. Those look so bad. Definitely. Those look so craft store bad.

[Tara]

Even the shoes look cheap. You're right. This is a bad fashion story. I'm so mad. Let's move on. I'm so furious.

[Dave]

Go to hell. Fashion story.

[Tara]

Then starting on what we're going to call page 57, I had to triangulate this because it's an insert. Contained in these 16 pages are the things you absolutely need to know in order to have yourself a sassy prom. From our pixel for the hypest dresses to the most mandatory makeup to the accessories that will set you right. Plus the countdown calendar you see here. So rip this puppy out, refer to it often, and your prom will be blast. And trust us. Well, thank you to whoever had this issue initially, because they did not rip it out. And we got it. It would have been really sad if we hadn't. But most of this is their prom fashion story with different dresses and different ideas, including on page 57, order your dates. Boutonniere. They have ideas of how to pep it up. And I thought, a radish, like in Beverly Hills 90210. That was the avant garde thing they're doing in their spring dance episode. And then I remember, oh, that episode hasn't aired yet.

[Dave]

This is the past. What's the boutonniere?

[Tara]

It's what you put on your lapel. The guy puts on this lapel. It's usually a flower and a little, you know, spray of baby's breath and.

[Pam]

Leave leaves or whatever on number 25. This is the countdown. 25 days left the dress. Begin thinking about it. And then a couple days later, it's like, it's time to buy that dress. And my prom dress was made. The first thing I was trying to remember, how did this happen? How did this happen? That it went probably. My mom was gonna make my prom dress. I remember we picked out the pattern. And then at some point, I'm at a lady's house and she's measuring me. And then that lady made my dress. We weren't at, like, a dressmaker store. We were at some lady's house. I don't know how this happened. I'll have to ask my mom. But I was like, now I know. You should really make sure you. There was no way my mother was going to be able to make my prom dress. And the problem with my prom dress, honestly, was the fabric just ended up being, like, a satiny issue that she couldn't sew and I didn't enjoy wearing. So when you have your pretty in pink fantasy for your prom dress. Yeah. Make. Make sure you have a plan B and a plan C. I think that is not mentioned in here, that some backup ideas are a good idea for both your hair, your makeup, and your outfit. Your shoes, instead of just, like, thinking about it a lot. Also have what you can. There's what you want, and then there's what you can get.

[Tara]

Right on the next page on day 19 of the countdown.

[Pam]

Shoes.

[Tara]

Unless you're into blisters, you don't want to wear totally virgin ones to the prom. So buy your footwear now and break those suckers in by wearing them around the house. I just want to say I watched forever on Netflix. We talked about it on our sister podcast, Extra Hot Great. And even though that was set in 2018, I assume kids are still doing it. The cool girls wore sneakers to prom. They looked amazing. Kudos to them for figuring it out. High heels are for jumps.

[Pam]

5 days left. Invite a few friends over for a dress rehearsal. If you've forgotten anything, now's the time to get it. I cannot imagine. I cannot imagine asking a single person, will you come over and we dress, rehearse prom. Certainly not the boys taking you to prom. Oh, no, they're not coming over.

[Tara]

No.

[Pam]

And then they're also like, is it in five days? Like, they don't know. They haven't rented anything. They have not had 16, 18 days of prep before today. And I just thought, what a nerdy thing to do. That does sound like something I would have done. But I would have never even. I wouldn't have even occurred to me. Like, we should practice getting into the car.

[Tara]

I love the idea of asking someone to be the stage manager for your dress rehearsal. Like, get someone to work the lighting board. You know, really go, go the whole nine. With the dress rehearsal concept.

[Pam]

We're in previews for prom. I'm in tech taking notes.

[Tara]

I'm in tech for the prom, friends.

[Pam]

And family screening of my prom outfit.

[Tara]

Five minutes, prom. Thank you. Five.

[Pam]

Thank you. Five. Crazy. Pages 62 and 63 have some image, some pictures of girls holding up, I guess, their prom outfits over their. Their Whatever. It's the. It's the dress rehearsal. Let's pretend they're standing on furniture.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Holding up their clothes. Like, am I really going to wear this? And I have to say I completely forgot that this wasn't a wedding spread. These are all bridal outfits. Like, shall I wear this or this? You're gonna. You're such a pretty bride. It went way out of prom for me. Who wears white to prom.

[Tara]

But, yeah, all of these are awful. I don't know why they had this girl on page 63 sit like, she's airing it out. It's not flattering.

[Pam]

She's wearing tennis shoes, though. You know what I mean?

[Tara]

Interesting.

[Pam]

They suggest that if you're getting ready for prom, you're going to want to keep your. Smells good. So first put it on with, like, a powder, then put it on with, like, a toner, then put it on with, like, a spray, then put it on with, like, your lipstick. And I am here from present teen day to say nobody smells good right now. Everybody's cologne is too much. Everybody's perfume is too sweet. Everybody doesn't smell good. Please don't layer it. Please don't layer it. I don't know who's selling you this cologne or this perfume, but it is thick and it sits in my teeth when I sit behind you. I hate it so much. I love you all. Stop. Whatever it is, it's wrong. It's worse than Drakkar.

[Tara]

Really?

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

Did you smell me when we were at the movies? Because I had perfume on, but I did it the proper way, which is spray it in the air and then.

[Pam]

Like, sweep through it, walk around in it like it's a memory. Yes, I know you did not smell bad, but I also don't think you were wearing whatever's being pushed for teen teens right now. The colors of. Of the day, right?

[Tara]

No, it was the color. It was the colors of the day. But, you know, only in the sense that that's what it's called. It doesn't smell like the old stuff anymore. Sad. All I had left for this was like, there's some real bad choices in here. The pastel era is not great. And this one that they keep putting everyone in, it's on page 70. It's like, you know, a sort of off the shoulder powder blue situation with a big rosette where your cleavage is. It just looks so tacky. All of these are like bad bridesmaid fantasias. Too much of a train.

[Dave]

Blue one looks like she poop and bows.

[Tara]

It looks like she's pooping bows. Dave, you nailed it. Both of these are bad.

[Pam]

They.

[Tara]

They. I'm really disappointed with this sassy prom story because I feel like they did better in previous years, but now they're in the pocket of big pastel poop.

[Pam]

And bowes opens for big romper. And they also are a prom poop and bows. So hard to say goodbye to the dress.

[Tara]

About face. I don't have much to say about the story in the top left corner, which is titled almost prettier than you. It's just about, you know, how lovely all of this cosmetic packaging is. I just wanted to note that they say it's clockwise from top left, and it's not. They just do top row, bottom row. And so the bottom ones don't line up with what they're saying they are. You can clearly read plenique in the wrong spot.

[Dave]

You dolt.

[Tara]

You dolt. They also advise clear nail polish on the inside of jewelry will keep it from turning skin green. I'm sure that's true. But if your jewelry is turning your skin green, a better piece of advice is probably stop wearing that jewelry. It's not good for you.

[Pam]

Never. I have a rash right now. I have a rash right now from jewelry. There's fills. There's a. Have you tried cachava?

[Dave]

There's.

[Tara]

There's things you can do. Science update.

[Dave]

No.

[Pam]

You also might have a nickel allergy. And then the nail polish will also be helpful.

[Tara]

Okay. Zap zits. You don't even have. This is the folks at Clearasil saying, don't use our zit cream just to. When you get. Is it. Put it all over your face all the time.

[Dave]

Hot dog.

[Tara]

And dry it to a crisp. This is a terrible also terrible advice that is clearly just meant to sell more stuff.

[Dave]

I have a silly string. This is really the bigger hole in the Tabasco bottle of the creams.

[Pam]

Yep, that's that's clear as silly string.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

Nice.

[Dave]

Thank you.

[Pam]

You're welcome.

[Dave]

Raider tip. Raider tip. Reader tip. I just read the headline for you, Pam. In the way they meant.

[Pam]

Thank you. Finishing with the worst advice on the whole page. Just off the. Just in. Off the reader beauty tip hotline, we have a little idea we thought might come in handy. A cute new twist for your hair is to tie it up in a sock. It especially comes in handy if you lose one of your socks. This looks so dumb.

[Tara]

Yeah, it looks dumb.

[Pam]

This looks so dumb that it's actually hard to understand what picture. What is in this picture because they've sectioned off the top of her hair in a way that I guess are bangs. And then the rest of it is. Looks like someone. She's asleep and someone has laid a dirty sock across her hair quietly and then tiptoed away.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Pam]

So that she has stinky dreams. It is not a good look.

[Tara]

Yeah, scrunchies are bad enough. Like, why turn unrelated items into a scrunch like thing? Not great cut all that. You don't think of not great.

[Pam]

Not great.

[Dave]

Some sort of law talking guy.

[Tara]

And not gonna work here.

[Dave]

We're here anymore. All right, moving on. We try it. In which they try things. We try it. Item number one. Smoother cuticles. Blah, blah, blah. Here's how I treat my cuticles. Real talk, guys. What's wrong with cuticles? Why do you need to destroy them all the time?

[Tara]

You don't. But you, you know, you push them down so that your nails look nicer.

[Dave]

What do you mean by nails look nicer? More nail visible part of it. This is like shaving your pubes or your dick looks bigger.

[Tara]

Well, sort of.

[Pam]

My. My dick looks fine. Cuticles sort of start to destroy you. Like they can rip and tear. Why am I showing you my cuticles? But they. When. When they are left to roam free.

[Dave]

Well, they will. They grow and grow and they grow over your fingernails and eventually your hand is all cuticle.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

You're walking around like Paul McCrane from RoboCop just before he gets splattered with all his drippy fingers.

[Pam]

That's a. That's a shitty cuticle situation.

[Tara]

It looks fine. No, but it hurts.

[Dave]

You guys have just been told that cuticles are bad and your. Your big cuticles got you.

[Pam]

It catches on your white stockings. Ruins them right away. And then also they can get infected. They can cause like they could. They can cause all kinds of problems.

[Dave]

If you leave your cuticles alone. They don't do anything. They're not sticking out. They're not snagging on things. You guys are crazy.

[Tara]

We're not going to settle this today.

[Pam]

I don't know.

[Dave]

720 Sassy. Go pro or anti Cuticle, let us know.

[Pam]

It is the cutest word in self care.

[Tara]

That's true.

[Pam]

I call my kid a cuticle because she's so cuticle.

[Tara]

Aw, barf.

[Pam]

Shinier nails. This is my dream product. I have decent nails, but I rarely bother to polish them. It's too messy and the color invariably chips off. Word. Sally Hansen's High Step. High Sally Hansen's High Shine three Step Buffer is a godsense alternative and a much cooler look than red, in my opinion.

[Tara]

Wrong.

[Pam]

The thing closely resembles a nail file, only it has three color coded sections that you rub across the surface of your nails till they gleam. We had a hundred of these in our house at all times. In every drawer.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Pam]

And they were always like so old and bent and ridged and they would you buff until your fingers burned. These apparently. I don't know if they came in the mail. I don't know how Sally got everybody to buy in on the high shine three step buffer. You could not escape them.

[Tara]

Yeah, my mom swore by them. I never really got into that aspect of nail care, but yeah, they were. They were the shit for a really long time. Next polish saver. I put this Shiseido matte topcoat on one bare short nail and it looked absolutely gorgeous for about an hour. Then it got kind of dingy. Mary said it's meant to be worn over a color, so I tried it over red. Yes, that certainly worked better and actually looked quite glam. Yeah. What do you think top coat is dummy. It's not meant to just go on your bare nail. That's clear nail polish. This is something different. Figure it out. You work for a fashion magazine.

[Dave]

Next item is healthier cuticles. Now I skipped the meat of smoother cuticles up top, but it feels like they're talking about the exact same product from two different manufacturers.

[Pam]

It does. It does.

[Tara]

Well, I think the first one is just to like sand them off kind of. And this is.

[Dave]

Jesus Christ, what are you people doing to your fingers?

[Pam]

It's true. I tried to look up the first one.

[Dave]

I hate these goddamn cuticles so much. I'm gonna take sandpaper to them.

[Pam]

Says the first one was a bit of an exfoliant. It only now is like a gel that like burns them down and you have to let it sit for a while and then it kind of eats at your.

[Dave]

So it's like Nair for your nails?

[Tara]

Sort of.

[Pam]

Yeah, it's.

[Dave]

Have we tried lasers yet? Burn your finger tips right off.

[Pam]

I would not want to do that. You need your cuticle.

[Dave]

Oh, yes. That's one step too far, David.

[Pam]

You need. You need your cuticle because when it's gone, you can get, like, dirt and stuff under the skin.

[Dave]

So what you're saying is just let your cuticles grow.

[Pam]

I'm not a scientist, but I think your fingernails actually go all the way up to your finger, to your knuckle, to your first knuckle. And so if anything gets in there, it's terrible.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

I just want to let everybody know I have a cuticle cutter so close at hand that I was able to show it on the zoom without. Without even making a noise because it's sitting on top of next month's Sassy magazine on my desk. I have cuticle cutters in every place, every room of this house, practically.

[Pam]

I also have an entire kit within arm's reach.

[Dave]

Pam is holding up a little red case that says Manny ER on it, and it has a whole bunch of implements inside of it, including a small gun.

[Pam]

Yes. I cannot take this on a plane.

[Dave]

Away from my cuticles, everybody.

[Tara]

You can shoot them off. They don't talk about that here, but that is also an option.

[Pam]

Dave, what does this do?

[Dave]

That is a dipstick to check out the oil level in your mouth.

[Pam]

I actually think this might be to clean out your ears.

[Tara]

Why would it be in a manicure set?

[Dave]

Yeah. Where are your ears? Spam. Point to your. Wait. Point to your ears. Pam, you have to prove you know what ears are. No.

[Pam]

This is your cuticle pusher.

[Tara]

Right.

[Pam]

I do think this feels like it's a.

[Tara]

Is it tear clean under your nail?

[Dave]

It's four tiny little soups.

[Pam]

Oh, maybe. Maybe tiny little soup. It's adorbs.

[Tara]

Anyway, the last thing I want to say about this page. And by the way, I am going straight from this taping to get my nails done, because it's. The ATX festival starts tomorrow as we're.

[Dave]

Recording this, and everybody's gonna be looking for the bad cuticles.

[Tara]

Everyone is gonna be looking at my nails. My nails are gonna be on display when I'm sitting in the audience. Anyway, the model on this page has perfect nails. These are objectively the correct length nails should be. I'm not gonna debate it. I love how they look. This is what I'm always hoping for my own self. Even though, you know, I bite my nails and it's gross. They never want to cut them at the nail shop. As short as I want. I always have to tell them no shorter than that, please. This is. This is correct. I've said this before. If your nails go past the end of your finger, I think you're gross.

[Pam]

Sorry I'm so gross currently. But she. But I've never been able to grow them on my own. Look how gross I am. She has perfect fingers.

[Tara]

Yeah, she does.

[Pam]

That is very. When this shape is on my fingers, it looks like someone flattened my fingers with a frying pan. And I went ow. And there's just like wide fingers with red sticks, circles.

[Dave]

What is the psychosexual reason you paint your nails? You know how they say like you paint your lips because it looks like a vagina? Why are you painting your nails? I have a theory.

[Tara]

Oh please.

[Dave]

Cuz we want you to hunt for us. And it's blood on your nails. After going through some prey, I accept that. Okay. Thanks ladies.

[Pam]

Craftsman days are here at Lowe's. With big savings on the tools you need. Save $100 on the Craftsman V26 Tool Power Tool Combo Kit now at $199. No matter what the project is, Craftsman's high quality high performance products empower you to build on. Stop by your nearest Lowe's store and check out the full line of crafts Craftsman tools today. Valid through 618 while supplies last. Selection varies by location.

[Tara]

Zits and stuff. Longer looking legs, please. I have an okay body except I'm pretty short 4 foot 9 which makes my legs look chunky. Are there any exercises I can do to make my legs longer? Asks Glenda. No, like she doesn't. Is there anything I can do to make them look longer? Is a different question. Can I do exercises that will specifically make my bones longer? Sorry Glenn, you dumb. No, there.

[Dave]

There aren't continuing post PE makeup repairs in which somebody is saying when I When I get to school in the morning rerun in PE of course I get all sweaty and my makeup runs. Magazines are always saying to freshen up. How can I do this without repeating my entire morning makeup process? We only have 1015 minutes to get dressed before the next class. Signed Mandy. And what are the answer is? You know, do your makeup for the first time after PE in the day maybe. But Mandy, what's the answer? What's the retort from Mandy? I never thought of that. Or what if I meet somebody on the school and I don't have my makeup on? It's going to be the worst thing in the history of the universe. Where are you in that spectrum?

[Tara]

Oh, where am I?

[Pam]

Where are you?

[Dave]

Well, not you, Pam. Oh, well, Tara is not a big makeup person, so I don't think I.

[Pam]

Say, make that a button, please. Not you, Pam. Like, it's a pretty good. I don't remember if I wore makeup very often to school. I don't think I did. And so I wouldn't have probably had this issue of seeing me without a face. Like this was. This was the face you were seeing? For the most part.

[Dave]

Okay. But if you're the type of person who's worrying about this scenario, you probably want to wear makeup for that first hour and a half of your day.

[Pam]

The bus. Absolutely. Like, you don't portal to school. So if you're the kind of person who spends 45 minutes doing your makeup before school, you know, to begin with.

[Tara]

Right.

[Pam]

PE is a real problem. But I. I wonder if they had back then the solution now, which is the, like, spray hairspray on your face, which is what I think we maybe. Did you just put hairspray on your.

[Dave]

Face just to, like, waterproof it, shellac it in place? Feels easier just to skip, Jim.

[Pam]

That's what I did. That is what I did. It's called dance. And you don't really have to dance. Dance.

[Tara]

I don't remember why I flagged this. Shaving rash prevention.

[Dave]

You got a big rash. Shave right now.

[Tara]

No. All right, we can skip it. Oh, no, I remembered. Now I see. Okay. Sorry. You cannot skip it. Shaving rash prevention. After shaving my legs, I often get little itchy red spots. What am I doing wrong? Asks Anna. And they say all the usual things, which is shower, shave at the end of your shower so that the hair shafts are softer and it's easier and stuff. But they also say, make sure your razor blade is super clean by soaking it in alcohol for five minutes before you use it. Who. Did anyone ever do this? If you did this, call this in. I would. I would never occur to me to clean my razor that much. Throw it out after three or four uses, which they say, absolutely. But soak it in alcohol for five minutes. I don't have that kind of time. Come on, now.

[Pam]

I just wouldn't even know that worked. Yeah, that wouldn't occur to me to soak it.

[Dave]

Oh, it's baby Barbicide. That's what you're doing. You know, when they throw the. The scissors and the blue liquid at.

[Pam]

The hairstylist, I find that stuff both sus and gross.

[Dave]

I have a barbicide bottle. And I love it. I put things that don't belong in it.

[Tara]

We have straws in it, don't we?

[Dave]

Straws. There's straws in it right now because if you lift it up, all the straws bloom out of it. And you can pick your favorite straw.

[Pam]

Oh, you meant the container. I thought you had a jar of.

[Dave]

The blue stuff full of Barbicide. Yes. Yeah, we soak all our straws in Barbicide to make sure they're nice and clean.

[Pam]

Listen, who knows? Everybody's weird.

[Tara]

True.

[Dave]

It's time to talk about Sassy magazine and ads. And the first one we're going to talk about is on the inside cover and I guess, page one. All new and shiny. 14 fresh slicks of color that look wet even when they're dry, says covergirl. Nail slicks built in, top coat, nail polish. Whatever. Fine. I am super creeped out by the human centipedes scorpion tail collection of nails they've decided to put on the page here. It really looks like a scorpion segmented. Segmented tail made out of human nails of different shades of red and purple. It triggers the same thing when you suddenly see a cockroach in your home. But it's an ad.

[Tara]

Yeah, you're right. That never would have occurred to me. But it is troubling now that I look at that from that perspective or.

[Dave]

It looks like in a microscope. It's like, you know, and now the E. Coli virus, and it's like, oh, God, get it away from me.

[Tara]

I mean, I do feel like the longer I stare at this image, I feel like I can smell it. Like, I can smell a nail shop.

[Pam]

You know, you have to go pick what you want for your gel manicure.

[Tara]

I don't do those. I just do regular.

[Pam]

But yes, Dave, maybe you've never seen them, but does it bother you at nail salons when you see the, like, sample fingernails, or is it just this?

[Dave]

Wait, how are they presented? Are they on hands or are they sometimes. Is it like when you go to the flea market and there's those people with, like, the styrofoam ring trays where they're just like nails?

[Pam]

Yeah, little ring tray, little paint chip samplers, and, like, books. You'll have flaps of books of all these, like, just, like, these nails in a row.

[Dave]

That's fine. I think what they should do is have each individual color on, like, a third of a finger that sticks out of that foam tray. So it's just like a whole bunch of fingers, like 20, 30 fingers sticking out of a little tray like. Like video drum coming out of the tv.

[Pam]

Oh.

[Dave]

Salon selectives.

[Pam]

Salon glow. Salon selectives. There's a full ass woman here on page five for salon selectives. She is gonna give you a D. Yeah, she's pretty excited about just grading everybody's papers on a curve. And you, she couldn't be prouder of her herself.

[Tara]

I just scheduled a Blue sky post about this and called her your mom's snootiest friend, and I stand by that.

[Dave]

I think she's got Margaret Thatcher vibes, kind of. Yeah, she's got Jillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher.

[Pam]

This is the oldest woman in Sassy's history just sitting up here.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Pam]

She looks like her name is Helene Curtis.

[Tara]

Yeah, this woman got into modeling because she was an actor for a while, and then she just got sick of losing all her roles to Ceela Ward and was like, fuck it, I'm leaving acting. I'm just modeling.

[Pam]

Now she's Andie McDowell. Now that's how old this lady is.

[Dave]

A couple pages later, we got on Nuxema ad a close up of a nose and a pair of lips. He won't talk about a deep down clean. He'll just notice. Ooh. Or if you prefer, he'll know if you don't. Oily uggo.

[Tara]

Yeah, this is so close up, it feels like it should actually be an ad for, like, a hair remover. Yeah, this is a lot of upper lip.

[Dave]

Maybe you should back up. How about Cleveland?

[Tara]

On page 19, we have Prom 91 ad for Merry Go round. They are, of course, flogging. You know her, you love her. She plagued you through every magazine through the 80s and 90s. Jessica McClintock for gunny sacks. These saddened monstrosities.

[Pam]

These words.

[Tara]

So not again. Like. Like one time I did a wash.

[Dave]

Down there for a couple weeks and I had a really bad case of Gunny sacks on your mclin.

[Pam]

Yeah, all over the Mcclintocks.

[Dave]

It. It eventually infected the Mcclintocks.

[Pam]

Gotta get a cuticle gel for that.

[Tara]

There was Jessica everywhere.

[Dave]

Gunny Sax.

[Tara]

It's not great. These are not Sassy readers. They look boring. No, they look like they're on their way to the premiere party for the movie. She's out of control with Amy Dolenz. And then there's more Merry go round on page 21. But this is flogging IOU denim. And our old friend Paula Marshall is in the back with the brown hair and some other girl in the front. And they are doing their best to make These outfits look cute, but it's very. The opening of Triangle of Sadness where they're switching back and forth between, like, Balenciaga, H and M. Balenciaga. They're doing a Balenciaga pose in an H and M ad, and it just does not work.

[Pam]

They look like the Olsen twins in Full House at the time. Like, this is what you dress Baby Michelle in both of these outfits.

[Dave]

Yeah, it looks like they're about to go to Michael's. Stock up on glue guns.

[Pam]

I actually think both of these outfits would sell well right now.

[Tara]

No.

[Dave]

That weird pattern that's all over them.

[Pam]

White belts, overalls. No, I'm telling you, not people over the age of 22. I'm just saying. I think. I think I've seen versions of this down to the kids walking around.

[Tara]

God Bless.

[Pam]

On page 27, we have the second oldest woman that's ever been in Sassy magazine here for Paul Mitchell. She is maybe the mom on My so Called Life, but also the woman your dad left your mom for. She is wearing the hideousest earrings.

[Dave]

The Crying Dog Turd.

[Pam]

Yes, it is a crying dog turd, but it's a commemorative one of those ribbons. So it's for dog turd awareness. And you need to be aware of dog turds. If anything, every morning, look outside, check for dog turds before you go about your day.

[Dave]

You know, people put those little, like, squatting dog signs on their yard that says, no, that should be. The next thing is this commemorative brown dog poopy ribbon for the dogs.

[Pam]

Never forget.

[Dave]

Yeah, never forget.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

And this woman got into modeling because she was sick of losing hearts to Robin Wright.

[Dave]

She's Robin. Wrong.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Dave]

Delicious.

[Pam]

Wow.

[Dave]

Except it's spelled without a W. That's.

[Tara]

How wrong it is. On page 28, we got an ad for East Pack, the backpack people. And this is just one of my favorite advertising tropes where they start like they're showing how you turn a nerd into a cool guy. And in this case, it's like, take off his clothes. But yeah, I just love how intense the nerd drag is in the. The before picture before he puts all his nerdy clothes in his east pack. They really tried it with this guy, but they can't. He's too hot.

[Dave]

What's the story here, Pam? What's the story here? You're a screenwriter. What is the story here? Why is he shedding his nerd clothes and becoming a Baywatch lifeguard who is.

[Tara]

Also a former troupe? Because he's got dog tags on.

[Pam]

Yes, it Was for Memorial Day, which is also around prom, as we now know. Like, this was just a little shout out to the troops. Like, that nerd you're ignoring with all the pencils was in the Gulf war. And he's so hot. He's so hot that he'll surf with you. He'll teach you to surf. He'll teach you some things he's learned. He is so cute that I don't care that he also probably is mean. He does look mean.

[Dave]

He killed scores of people over there without remorse. He definitely got good pecs.

[Tara]

He looks meaner as it goes on. In the middle one, he's kind of like, oh, maybe he would say hi to you in the cafeteria.

[Pam]

He knows a magic trick.

[Dave]

Third. Third photo. Burn it all down.

[Pam]

Yeah, he'll. Your sister in front of you. This is the third photo right in.

[Dave]

Front of the oil fire. You don't care.

[Pam]

He's cute, though.

[Tara]

So in addition to the prom insert, we also get an insert on facts and falsehoods, the truth about your period, which is advertorial.

[Dave]

School or blood?

[Tara]

Tampax.

[Dave]

Oh.

[Pam]

School or blood? Both.

[Tara]

So this opens with top 15 most bizarre myths. We love a listicle. This was before we even called them that. So I just highlighted a few. Number two, Some girls bodies are too small for tampons. They hurt. They say, no, tampons are not that big.

[Dave]

I bet somebody screwed up and made tampons that were too big.

[Pam]

I just wish Dave hadn't seen these yet. And we could.

[Tara]

True.

[Pam]

We could tell Dave these are true or false.

[Dave]

I didn't read this. I didn't read. Read this. Well, let me give you answers.

[Tara]

I mean, they kind of tip it by saying they're. It's a list of myths.

[Dave]

Yeah, but I'll. Sassy's not right about everything. Let's go.

[Pam]

All right, well, then can we go back to number one?

[Tara]

Sure.

[Pam]

A tampon has about as much luck protecting you as a. As a Q tip. Now, just so you know, it tells you how many from muggers.

[Dave]

In which case I got to say.

[Tara]

Yes as a Q tip. Not Q tip, the musical artist. He's probably more used to you with a mugger.

[Dave]

I opened for him in my early days.

[Pam]

I remember. I remember big flow. I think that. That actually a tampon would scare away more muggers than you think. Maybe particularly if you put it in your hoodie and you just sort of pointed it outward.

[Dave]

Oh, I thought you're pulling it out like a gun.

[Tara]

Well, both.

[Dave]

Excuse me, I have to pull down this romper. One second, please. Where's that string? Get away from me.

[Pam]

Oh, that too. That too. Yes. There's so many ways to take.

[Tara]

Yeah, but they do say, like, do something gross if. If you're in a. Where you're going to get raped in the street, which is unlikely. Do something gross and they will stop. Like, you know, pee or fart or poop or throw up on him and pulling out your tampon. Definitely in that category. They would probably stop.

[Dave]

Okay, but getting back to the original question.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

Protecting me from what? Why are they making the comparison to a Q tip? That's what I don't understand.

[Pam]

That's what I thought you wouldn't understand.

[Dave]

Well, explain it.

[Pam]

Pretend this is an SAT question.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

Cute tampon is to Q tip as.

[Dave]

Okay, but I'm not putting a tampon up there and, like, rolling it around in my cavity to hope it gets some vagina wax out of me. Or am I. Is that what they're.

[Pam]

Vagina wax is opening for death cap for cutie.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah. No, vagina wax is one of those tree root bands. You know, it is suicidal tendencies opening up for vaginal wax.

[Pam]

Yes. This is the throwing. Throwing a cute. Throwing a tic tac into a whale's mouth analogy here. The Q tip to the tampon. Does that mean anything to you?

[Dave]

Does whale have bad breath?

[Pam]

Oh, boy.

[Tara]

I know Pam wants to go through every single one of these myths, and I wonder if we should break this out into, like, a separate bonus episode.

[Dave]

Just go with it. I'll cut it up.

[Pam]

This is the bonus. This is it. Listen.

[Dave]

Okay, but wait, we haven't. I. I haven't learned anything yet.

[Tara]

So what do you think protects you from.

[Pam]

In the years we've been doing this podcast, you haven't learned anything.

[Dave]

No, I understand that a tampon is there as a fabric dam. What I'm saying is Q tip doesn't provide the same type of protection, so I think the analogy is flawed.

[Pam]

That's what they're at. That's.

[Tara]

That's what they're saying.

[Pam]

So is it a myth or not?

[Dave]

Okay. I mean, is it just a size comparison? Yes.

[Tara]

They're saying it's.

[Dave]

It's not a good. It's not a good, good sentence.

[Tara]

They're not all good myths.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Do you know what happens if you put a tampon in a cup of water?

[Dave]

It's. It. It's like the same thing when you put one of those foam dinosaurs. If you snatch.

[Tara]

I can't believe you just said snatch.

[Pam]

He's so proud of himself.

[Tara]

Oh, my God. Dick fell out of his chair laughing at himself.

[Pam]

He's like. He's like.

[Dave]

That is the first and last time I'm ever gonna say that word.

[Tara]

I have other things to do today. We have to keep.

[Pam]

Fine, fine, fine. We have another hour listed on the menu. That's true.

[Tara]

We do.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Tara]

I'm saying I think we could spend another hour on this page.

[Dave]

That'll be it. We'll just stop after the page.

[Pam]

All right, Dave, Here we are.

[Dave]

All right. Whatever you guys want to do, I'm here for you.

[Pam]

Number. Number two. Tara, you had picked.

[Tara]

Yeah. Some girls bodies are too small for tampons. They hood. As I previously said, they hoot. This seems like a weird brag that a girl would try to, you know, get some buzz going for. Okay.

[Dave]

But from my understanding is, if that's the case, use a Q tip.

[Pam]

There you go.

[Dave]

Problem solved. Number three.

[Pam]

You need a compass and a map to figure out where to put a tampon.

[Dave]

Just. I mean, sure. So if you're just not sure what direction south is. What if you're near the North Pole.

[Pam]

And your compass is going, well, I, I, I. Wow. Number four, you'll stop the flow if you bathe or take a shower while you have your period. Do you still have your period while you're in the bath or in a body of water?

[Dave]

Dave, is there some sort. I, I would. I would. I would guess that you could.

[Tara]

That you could.

[Pam]

You would.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Pam]

Yes. Yeah.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

Good job, Dave. Good job.

[Dave]

You don't have any hydro. Hydro reaction to water makes you all, like.

[Pam]

No, just balls. Just.

[Dave]

Okay. All right.

[Pam]

You shouldn't exercise during your period.

[Dave]

I'm gonna say that's a myth that you should exercise during your period to make your period healthy and strong.

[Tara]

Yeah. Again, I'm gonna just point out this is not the greatest quiz. It's called myths like he's got, but.

[Pam]

He doesn't know that yet.

[Dave]

We're getting to the why, Vitara. Why can't you understand?

[Pam]

Yeah, we're getting the why. We're getting the why. All right, go ahead, Tara. Number six.

[Tara]

Number six is men can smell a woman with her period at 50 paces. I, I. The only reason I flagged this one, and again, I just want to point out I didn't flag them all, is because that's something it never would have occurred to me to worry about until I read that and then think, well, they say it's a myth, but is.

[Dave]

It really a man? Yeah, it's 30.

[Pam]

They'Re subtle here because the answer is not if you're wearing a tampon. That's really their answer.

[Tara]

Like, of course you pat.

[Pam]

You girls put a cork in it.

[Tara]

Yes, Pepsi. Partial credit is very much what's going on here. Number seven. Every trip to the bathroom requires that you remove your tampon. Don't listen to Pam. It doesn't. And this. That's what this.

[Dave]

You don't have to. But Pam loves the excuse.

[Pam]

I do. I do.

[Dave]

14 tampons a day, minimum.

[Pam]

How often a day do you refresh your calendar? I'm just saying, like, check. You recheck.

[Tara]

You recheck.

[Pam]

You just check it. What's going on now?

[Dave]

Do you have your appointments written on tampons?

[Pam]

I like to keep them in a secret location.

[Tara]

She'll know she's really fallen off in her career when she can fit them on a Q tip.

[Pam]

That's right. Here's a very brief but serious anatomy lesson. You have three separate openings for three separate functions. Is so bold in here. The one you put tampons in has nothing to do with going to the bathroom. I feel like this would be just a helpful piece of paper in all public schools right now. Like, just put it in every bathroom next to the tampons that should be in every bathroom. This. This is helpful. Start with myths. Start with ridiculous myths. But it says you only have to remove the tampon as needed. So they only are mentioning only take out the tampon. Not if you have to pee or poop. But I have to say, you don't want to pee on your string all the time. So they could talk about some light tucking.

[Dave]

Another use for that coat hanger thing. I was talking. Get the.

[Pam]

God.

[Dave]

Get that string out of the way. Thanks Toth from Rare's Lost Ark, we can skip nine.

[Pam]

What do you have for 10 here? TAR.

[Tara]

Well, they have both. 10, a tampon can get so stuck, you'll never get it out. And 12, your body's like the Bermuda Triangle. Once you put a tampon in, it might never come out. That's the same myth. You just put it on twice. We. We see what you're doing. You only had 14. Embarrassing.

[Dave]

I mean, I got to believe that someone could do something with the tampon that it would be nigh impossible to get out. Now, somewhere in the history of the universe, surely that's.

[Pam]

I mean, like gorilla glue.

[Tara]

Like stick it all the way.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

No.

[Pam]

Oh.

[Tara]

Also, the longer. I mean, I don't want to get gross, but the longer is in there, the more Stuff is on it, and the more easy it is to just come out on its own.

[Dave]

Okay, fine.

[Pam]

One strong sneeze.

[Tara]

Exactly.

[Pam]

It does. Dave, do you know how much blood is in a 14 gallon period? Yes. Very good.

[Dave]

That's why you do it 14 times a day. One gallon, one tampon. They're very absorbent.

[Pam]

Yeah, they're so absorbent, you can use.

[Tara]

Tampons or you can use the gallon. Ziploc bags.

[Dave]

So what's the question? How much blood in a typical flow?

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah, for a month.

[Dave]

Oh, for a month. Not per.

[Tara]

Oh, well, per period.

[Dave]

Per period.

[Tara]

Once a month.

[Dave]

Oh, I thought meant like per tampon.

[Pam]

I have no idea how much a tampon can take, but I was gonna.

[Dave]

Guess an ounce and a half. That's like half of what you can bring onto an airplane. Think about it, ladies.

[Pam]

I just don't believe it. But it's 4 tablespoons.

[Dave]

If your flow was over 3 ounces, can you still fly? That is the real questions should be asking.

[Pam]

Don't find another reason.

[Dave]

It's security theater. Moving on.

[Pam]

Number 13. Suck on a lemon or soak your feet in cold water to slow.

[Dave]

Wow. Oh, Grandma Gertie's here with some wisdom. So kind of lemon deary, soak your feet in Epsom salts. That sounds crazy.

[Pam]

Yeah, it does sound crazy.

[Tara]

Well, it's not as crazy as this. Number 14. Watering plants during your period will cause them to wither.

[Dave]

Wait, what? Watering plants while you're on your period will cause the plants to wither.

[Tara]

Right, because of the curse.

[Dave]

Says the village doctor in 568.

[Tara]

Yeah, got it.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

I was talking about this just this week because when I was in Guatemala, I was told that if you look at someone who's making dough or cookies or whatever while I'm on my period, it'll ruin the mix. And so she said it very factually. And it took a while for me to be like, but what if I can't see? What if I'm blind? Whatever I wrote about it. In any event, I got on the subject of how did this happen? And we were like, well, this makes sense. It's some mom being like, I don't. I'm on my period, so I can't water the plants. I can't make any food. I can't. Like you guys. You guys got it. I gotta. I would love to help, but I'm on my period and it will ruin anything I touch, including basic gardening. So smart.

[Tara]

Yeah. Finally, number 15, you need a driver's license to use a tampon. Properly.

[Dave]

I guess that depends whether or not you want to drive stick.

[Tara]

The the advertorial continues on the next page with a period history. And in the intro it writes, whoever did this writes. You may complain about cramps, oily skin, or bloating, but just think, you can walk to the local 711 for all of today's modern conveniences to help you through that time of the month. Don't do that unless you want to pay two and a half times what it costs. You can only buy period products in a 7:11 in case of the direst of emergencies.

[Dave]

Yeah, speaking about dire, vegetarian tampons is the worst phrase I've seen in a long time. Protecting yourself used to be an exercise in total creativity. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Back in the day, a long, long time ago, women made bandages and tampons out of grass and fiber. Vegetarian is not the word you want here. What you're looking for is natural, I believe, not vegetarian. Unless something's happening after which I don't want to know about.

[Pam]

This kind of thing makes me feel like we will one day have reproductive control over our bodies again. Like, I share the link For Tina Healthcare, Tina's 14 starter kit for using tampons. It is a little plastic. I mean, it looks like a toy. It looks like a Fisher Price situation. You put your tampon in it, you hold it up to the hole that I hope Dave knows, and then you just sort of like. Like, it looks like when they teach, when they're teaching at the pit, like how to do a trach. And then they're like, you just put that in and then you miss the vocal cords and I'm in. And it's. And then you do that thing. And that is how you put your tampon in. It's so neat. I think this is super cool. And the fact that it can become like a kit that it's like, hello, yay, welcome to your period. Don't worry about tampons. Here's a thing to help you figure it out without feeling like you're having to put your face into your vagina to figure things out, or ask someone to hold a mirror or any of that really annoying stuff that happens when you're first learning how all that works.

[Tara]

Mm. This is a very good idea. However, I do have an issue with the tagline. Hey, putting in your tampon shouldn't suck. Just find another way to put that. That's all. Don't, like, suck in this contest.

[Pam]

Be careful. Cause you can buy this kit and it comes with Zero tampons. And that's a problem. I think it must be British because it says bloody brilliant, which I also think is great. And of course, it's not American.

[Tara]

No, but it says Lola. The offer is with Lola tampons. They have those here. I think bloody brilliant is just because, you know, blood.

[Pam]

Just a fun, fun pun.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Well, I think this is neat. And, you know, you don't get to see toys for your period that more usually it's like, go in there and figure it out. Just don't come out. Don't talk about it again. So they even have wipes called cute little wipes. I love it. I love it.

[Tara]

Anyway, periods. Thanks, Tampax.

[Pam]

Then on page 81, finally we get some hyper color in this magazine. I still can't believe hyper color is not back. I don't understand. Is it. Is it bad for the environment? Why don't we have hyper color again? I loved it. I loved hyper color. That was great.

[Tara]

Page 88. We finally have the results.

[Pam]

We.

[Tara]

We loved it back in the fall when we learned about Dutch Boy. That's right.

[Pam]

Oh, yeah.

[Tara]

Dutch Boy sponsored the world's most coolly repainted bedroom contest. And so now we get to see the winners. And they made a lot of big, bold choices that I bet they regretted about three days after they were finished.

[Dave]

Wow.

[Tara]

This the winner. Laura Kroll, a ninth grader from Brookfield, Wisconsin, went full taco. And by that I mean the author who brought. I mean the artist who brought us putting on the Ritz. That taco is clearly the inspiration for this black and white and gray fantasia. I mean, congrats, but wow, it's hard on the eyes. And then the rest are all too small for you to even see what's going on. This should have gotten the insert, in my opinion, so you could see more pictures of it. But congrats to Laura M. Griffin, Amber Baker, Sandra Lord, and Christian Ratkai. And I see in our doc someone did a little dig ending.

[Dave]

Oh, here we go. By the way, how many pieces of docs hound merchandise do you think we sold since the last time we talked?

[Tara]

2.

[Pam]

Do you know the answer?

[Dave]

I do know the answer.

[Pam]

Oh, is. Is it two?

[Dave]

It's zero.

[Pam]

Yes. That would have been my guess. That would have been my guess. Laura has a doctorate and is in rare genetic diseases research in Memphis. She worked with Al Gore and is definitely smarter than anyone else in this issue of Sassy. Laura, did your funding get cut? Call us. 720. Sassy. Go. And black and white lover, Sandra Lord. Also became a doctor. So these, these, these scientific methodical room renovations were. Were clearly a peek into their brilliant minds. I also had a black and white striped comforter. I tried a lot of this black and white stuff. So I feel like they just didn't look at Montgomery Ward and see that they could have gotten some help with their sheets in our Penny Saver ads. I don't know what else to call them.

[Tara]

Marginal ads. Yeah.

[Pam]

Is it love? First comes love, then comes marriage. A million dots. So goes the wrap in kindergarten. But how can you tell if it's the real thing? For info and revealing questionnaires, send $7 to F.R.

[Tara]

Sure.

[Pam]

P.O. box 5023, Kent, WA 98064. Washington residents, please add 57 cents for sales tax. Thank you. This was originally sent in in ransom letters. This is a killer. Collecting your fears and hopes to then find you and kill you. This is the scariest thing I've seen in any ad. This is past a scam. This is so weird.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah. That needed a Buffalo Bill reading.

[Pam]

Yeah. Yeah. So goes the rap in kindergarten. What rap? Get out of here.

[Tara]

FR the rhymes. They mean the, you know, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.

[Pam]

That's saying it's. It's not a rap. Well, it's not a rat.

[Tara]

Like they're trying to be him.

[Pam]

Oh well. For info and revealing questionnaires, $7 to Kent Washington. If you live in Washington, please add 57 cents for sales tax. Thank you. Crazy.

[Tara]

Well, somehow I'm supposed to follow that, but on page 91 we have an ad for Net works. If you think this outfit looks hot here, you should check it out. Life size. It is literally a white T shirt and solid colored leggings. Like no one thinks this looks hot. This is like the default clothes you put on when you're on your way to the urgent care.

[Pam]

These leggings are so gross. The. The. The elastic strap is sad and granny. You can see beyond a camel toe in them. The seam is so icky.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Pam]

Well, I don't want to see this life size at all.

[Tara]

Unfortunately for you, Pam, it is the latest in 90s streamlined hip. It is an easy to wear oversized tea with removable shoulder pads. And the. Oh, the headband is part of this too. Wow. They really. They bring it all to you at networks.

[Pam]

They close it with fresh. So gross.

[Tara]

Let's leave the fashion and move on to the etc part of our episode with diary. Happy 28th to Jane. Happy third to Sassy. It's sassy's. Birthday party.

[Pam]

Yeah, it's filled with pictures from the night in a filter, so you can't quite see anything or anyone. So luckily they tell us who it is. The cake that I guess melted before they got this photo.

[Tara]

Look, this is as good as you could do with cake back then. They didn't have the cake technology we have now where you can. You can 3D print your fucking toppers.

[Pam]

I am cake.

[Tara]

I think it's cute. Look at this lady. You're mean. I mean, it's a. It's a cake version of the first issue cover, and I think it's cute. I just think it's probably a bad picture. And I do think this was the best you could do back then.

[Pam]

It looks like they had a good time. There's plenty of name dropping, and they even threw in the. The invite so that you knew you definitely didn't get this invitation.

[Tara]

Also, Jane is pictured in a full poochie dress because it's 1991, and of course she is. And big, giant, oversized black daisy earrings. She is exactly on trend.

[Pam]

There's a lot of berets. There's a lot of berets. And, you know, my friend Amy is in here again in a picture, staring right at me like the end of the Shining. And I text her to be like, hey, do you remember anything from like this? And like, the cool invite to the third ish episode of Sassy. And like the cool girl she is who was invited to Sassy's birthday party and I wasn't. She hasn't responded. She's too cool to talk about Sassy with me because she was too cool then and she's too cool now. And I accept it.

[Tara]

She's somewhere telling someone, I'm gonna have to start ghosting Pam because she's asking too many questions about my time at Sassy and It was like 30 years ago.

[Pam]

I think it's appropriate.

[Tara]

Next time. It's the March 1991 slumber party. We'll be taking the latest quiz, so join us to find out our answers to the question. Are you a techno head? You can take that quiz and then if you wish, call in about your results or anything else on your mind and we may play it in our next episode. That hotline number again. 720sassy.

[Pam]

Go.

[Tara]

We want to hear from you. For my plug this week. Oh, boy. We talked a lot about periods if it didn't get cut. So related to that, season eight, the eighth and final season of Big Mouth, is out. I reviewed that season And I also interviewed three of the four creators of that show. And you can find links to both of those in the show notes.

[Pam]

Do you want to be our next Front Porch Kelly? Then you gotta call our hotline. 720sassy.go leave us a voicemail about pretty much whatever you want to shoot the about you see us, we'll do.

[Dave]

Do you know what all your holes are called?

[Pam]

Have you ever bought someone one of those, like, tampon tools? I want to know if they work.

[Dave]

I know one of them's called the.

[Pam]

Well, you can find more information about the podcast, links to our visual aids and contact info for all of us at listen to sassy.com thank you so much for listening and see you next time. Keep bleeding.

[Dave]

Pretending I was frozen. Acting.

[Pam]

Oh, acting. Speaking of, you were missed it. Crossroads. When they said there's no heckling, I really almost did raise my hand and go. Even when the movie's crossroads. What are we doing here? Read the room. Alamo Drafthouse.

[Tara]

I mean, I don't think what we did was heckling.

[Dave]

They do have no events where you allowed the talk.

[Tara]

That was. It was a movie party. It was one of those.

[Dave]

Oh, okay.

[Tara]

So you're allowed to, like, quote along or sing along or whatever. But they say, like, don't talk at full volume. Don't be disruptive.

[Dave]

You know, we don't want to hear your.

[Tara]

Which we weren't. But as soon as you get to the scene where she, like, figures out the melody to I'm not a Girl, not yet a woman by going na na na na, like, we had to start laughing and it broke the seal because everyone else stage.

[Pam]

She's got it. There's no world where people were supposed to expect or expected to not laugh at that.

[Tara]

No.

[Dave]

All right. Thank you for the post podcast content.

[Pam]

You're welcome.