March 1991 Slumber Party: Technology, Cuticles & Calls About Calls

Summary

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s
Episode: March 1991 Slumber Party: Technology, Cuticles & Calls About Calls
Release Date: June 17, 2025
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole

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Introduction

In this vibrant episode of Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s, hosts Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole delve into the nostalgic world of early 90s technology, engage in a playful quiz to determine their "techno head" status, and interact with listeners through a series of entertaining calls. The conversation is peppered with humor, personal anecdotes, and insightful reflections that bring the era to life for both long-time fans and newcomers.

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Technology in 1991

The episode kicks off with a humorous take on the nascent state of the internet and technology of the early 90s. David T. Cole sets the stage by referencing the birth of the World Wide Web in Europe, only to highlight its then-limited functionality:

Dave (00:16): "It is March 1991. Somewhere in Europe, some dude created something called the World Wide Web, some sort of computer newspaper or something. But there's literally nothing on it."

The hosts reminisce about the frustrations and quirks of early computing, particularly the slow performance of Windows 3.0 and the beloved yet exasperating game Minesweeper:

Dave (00:16): "Your brother's Windows 3.0 computer is taking its sweet ass time saving your history essay... Lucky your brother got the Microsoft entertainment pack, so you play Minesweeper while you wait."

Pam discusses the excitement around educational software like Encarta, emphasizing its role in homework assistance:

Pam (01:23): "I can click a thing and it. The raccoon is a picture of a raccoon. Technology. We have Encarta. I can do my homework. Amazing."

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Techno Head Quiz

To assess their affinity for technology, the hosts decide to take a "techno head" quiz. The quiz features questions about VCR programming, survival without electricity, and preferences in exercising, among others. The conversation reveals a knack for humor and a touch of self-deprecation as they navigate the sometimes perplexing questions.

David expresses skepticism about the quiz's relevance:

Dave (02:05): "I have some real problems with this quiz."

As they tackle the questions, the hosts share laughs and debate their answers, illustrating the complexities of defining a "techno head." The scoring becomes a point of lighthearted contention, especially when Pam scores a perfect 30 out of 30, much to Dave's surprise:

Pam (09:11): "My score was 30, which is as high as you can get."

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Listener Calls

The heart of the episode lies in the engaging listener calls, categorized into Teen Life, Fashion, and Spooch Parlor stories. Each call brings a unique perspective, blending humor with relatable experiences.

Teen Life

Caitlin from Vancouver shares a lighthearted story about being mistaken for actor Ben Sierver during the pandemic, highlighting the quirks of masked interactions:

Caitlin (13:11): "I was at the liquor store wearing a mask and I got ID'd... So I did. And she was like, oh, oh no, you're fine. Don't need to see anything devastating."

Kelly from Rhode Island vents her frustrations about Grateful Dead concerts, offering a humorous take on differing musical tastes:

Kelly (15:26): "I have some good friends who are really, really, really big Deadheads... it's so boring."

Fashion & Nail Care

Sarah from Chicagoland enthusiastically recommends Dazzle Dry nail polish, praising its durability and quick-drying properties:

Sarah (19:19): "I recently tried it and it is a miracle of science... Highly recommend Dazzle Dry."

The conversation transitions into a humorous dispute about cuticle care, with Jennifer siding with Dave's minimalist approach and Pam advocating for regular maintenance:

Dave (21:18): "I do not believe [nail care] exists."

Spooch Parlor Story

A standout moment comes from Pam, who recounts a harrowing experience at a massage parlor during her pregnancy, intertwining humor with a serious allegation:

Pam (24:25): "I slipped up [and found semen on the table]... I gotta call my doctor because I was terrified I had become the next urban legend."

Her candid storytelling elicits supportive and humorous responses from Jennifer and Dave, showcasing the podcast's ability to navigate sensitive topics with grace and levity.

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Conclusion

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on the diverse range of listener experiences shared throughout the show. They tease upcoming topics, including a deep dive into the April 1991 issue of Sassy Magazine, and promote their Patreon campaign, encouraging listeners to support the podcast for exclusive perks.

Jennifer (43:16): "Next time we will be discussing the teen life topics of the April 1991 issue."

The episode concludes on a high note, celebrating the community of listeners and the shared nostalgia for the vibrant 90s era.

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Notable Quotes

• Dave (00:16): "Ain't technology great? Fan fucking fantastic."
• Pam (01:23): "I can do my homework. Amazing."
• Pam (09:11): "My score was 30, which is as high as you can get."
• Caitlin (13:11): "Don't need to see anything devastating."
• Kelly (15:26): "It's so boring."
• Sarah (19:19): "Highly recommend Dazzle Dry."
• Pam (24:25): "I was terrified I had become the next urban legend."

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This episode of Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s masterfully blends nostalgia, humor, and community engagement, offering listeners a heartfelt and entertaining journey back to the early 90s. Whether reminiscing about technology's humble beginnings or sharing personal stories, the hosts create a lively and inclusive atmosphere that celebrates the spirit of the decade.

Transcript

[Tara]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. Wait.

[Dave]

It is March 1991. Somewhere in Europe, some dude created something called the World Wide Web, some sort of computer newspaper or something. But there's literally nothing on it. So that's a non starter going nowhere fast. Speaking about going nowhere fast, your brother's Windows 3.0 computer is taking its sweet ass time saving your history essay. Like, is it actually saving? What's happening? The saving in progress. Pips haven't moved in ages. You can't tell what's going on. Luckily your brother got the Microsoft entertainment pack, so you play Minesweeper while you wait. The great thing about Minesweeper is that you get oh well, Windows crashed and your essay didn't save your Fuck. Ain't technology great? Fan fucking tastic. It's time to see how bad of a techie you truly are. Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy.

[Pam]

Great job.

[Tara]

That was a good one.

[Pam]

The other day I was like, remember how important it was when you got in Carta?

[Jennifer]

Yeah.

[Pam]

You were like, I can click a thing and it. The raccoon is a picture of a raccoon. Technology. We have Encarta. I can do my homework. Amazing. My dad liked to buy things he thought were going to last forever. I E in Carta.

[Dave]

Sure, it's still good. You can still use it, can you?

[Pam]

I don't know.

[Dave]

I'm sure you can stick it in a CD ROM somewhere and learn about the evils of the ever present Soviet Union. Well, speaking about tech stuff, do we want to take the quiz?

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Jennifer]

Oh, let's do.

[Dave]

Are you a techno head? Do you have a remote control lifestyle? Can you imagine a world without electricity? Could you survive in the event of a power failure? Take this quiz and and find out. First of all, I have some real problems with this quiz. But let's go through our highlight questions first, see if we cover them there. If not, we can backtrack. Who's first here? Is it me? I'm first. It is number seven. Could you program a VCR to tape the Simpsons? Your options are A, I'm sure I could do it with my eyes closed. B, what's this VCR thing anyways? Or C, I can stick a cassette in and push play, but that programming fang is way too tricky. My question is this. Has the first person who will never hear a flashing 12:00 clock VCR joke in their lifetimes been born yet not one that won't Experience it. But the echoes of the flashing 12 o' clock VCR joke. When will the first person on Earth who will never hear it be born? Has it happened yet?

[Pam]

I would say my kid has no idea what you mean if you say that.

[Dave]

I'm not saying no idea what I mean. I'm saying, will the echo of that joke carry forward that she will hear it sometime in her life and be like, I don't know what that means, but I've heard it. Is it that powerful of a force in our comedy lineup that people are still using it occasionally to signify something that they don't understand?

[Jennifer]

Yeah, I think people still hear it. I don't think that person has been born yet. You can still hear jokes about, like, you know, rotary phones.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Jennifer]

And the such.

[Dave]

But when's the last time you heard a joke about Babbage, the grandfather of computers? I bet you haven't. So that was something that. A joke that probably people told about technology back in the day.

[Pam]

Well, I don't know when the first time was I heard a joke about Babbage.

[Dave]

Well, there you go. We owe him a lot. But you don't know anything about it.

[Pam]

Would you like me to go back to my Encarta joke? I'm relevant.

[Dave]

All right, so my answer to this would definitely be A. I could have programmed a VCR in my sleep if I needed to, because. Yeah, you wanted to watch that television program. You weren't going to be around for or save it forever because you were the age in which you can watch things 17 times in a row, not get sick of it. So for me, that was definitely a.

[Jennifer]

Me, too. I was the one in my household who knew how to do it.

[Dave]

I do not doubt it.

[Pam]

We also had the VCR to vcr.

[Dave]

Oh, of course.

[Pam]

We could program and do all of that. We were pirating tapes until the technology.

[Dave]

Came where it could recognize that you had chords between two vcrs and would dim the signal on you. Up and down, fade to black and back to normal.

[Jennifer]

Is that a Babbage joke? No, it's subtle. My highlight question is number 11, how long could you last in the wilderness? A, I'd be fine as long as the batteries in my boombox didn't run out. B, I plan to never find out. C, forever. The outdoorsy life is the one for me. I'm sick of all of this acting like just because you love the outdoors, you're superior. You're not. You just like to be dirty. That's fine, but just don't act Like I'm a worst kind of person because I don't. I plan to never find out if I could last in the wilderness.

[Dave]

You could be dirty at home.

[Jennifer]

Sure you can.

[Dave]

Indoors. Yes, I'm dirty and indoors right now.

[Jennifer]

I know. I wasn't going to say anything, but that's true. I plan to never find out. And if I ever do, I will just die probably.

[Dave]

Pam's left. She just got up and left. She doesn't take this podcast seriously.

[Jennifer]

Pam has gone to touch grass immediately. That's what that question inspired me.

[Dave]

I'm worried some of my tinctures have expired while you've been talking. I have to get them away from my other things so they don't cross contaminate. I need my skin to be the smoothest or whatever is I need it to be.

[Jennifer]

She's tasty. And a dog. Who knows. Who knows what's going on.

[Dave]

Well, you know when you report going to record the podcast, you put all those things away in a box so they don't bother you. Hi Pam.

[Pam]

Sorry, I didn't know I was the only one home and the dog was barking at the exterminator and that wasn't going to stop.

[Dave]

Okay, that's great. We had some great content while you were gone. Staying in the show.

[Jennifer]

I had some content anyway.

[Pam]

Is it my turn?

[Jennifer]

Yes.

[Pam]

Complete the following sentence. In the summer, A I try to rush from one air conditioned locale to the next. B I sleep with a fan pointed right at me. Or C, I take a lot of cold baths to keep cool. D, all of the above then and now because I was in Texas then and LA now and what difference does it make? It's too hot. What a crazy question. I'm not quite sure which one makes you the least techno, honestly.

[Dave]

Well, that's my problem with this quiz. There's some questions here that I feel like are outside the technoverse that really don't like. How do you prefer to exercise? Question number two. With a stair climber, treadmill or rowing machine to the accompaniment of blaring music in the aerobics class or by myself on the school track after classes. There's not a lot of techno there. There's a couple machines there, but there's no, like I'm the Olympic runner and I have to have all this gear to track the way I run and you know, mocap and stuff like that. This is just like a treadmill is not exactly qualifying you to be a techno head. And there's a few questions like that when I actually did my score. I abstained from answering some of those questions because I don't think they're relevant to the quiz at hand.

[Jennifer]

Oh, my.

[Dave]

And that was one of them.

[Jennifer]

Wow.

[Dave]

None of those answers are signifiers of being a Techno Head.

[Pam]

Did it affect your score?

[Dave]

I'm sure it did. It made it score lower, if anything.

[Pam]

Which is he doesn't know. He hasn't looked.

[Dave]

Well, I know. I know that if I abstained, I can't add those numbers to the total cap.

[Pam]

No, I mean, do you know what your score is?

[Dave]

Yes, I do know what my score is.

[Pam]

Okay. Oh, my God.

[Dave]

So that's my problem.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. Well, it's sort of like on Futurama where they kind of conflate, like robots with machines.

[Dave]

Right.

[Jennifer]

You know, similar kind of a thing going on here where it's like, if it plugs in, it's techno.

[Dave]

You know? Who wouldn't make that mistake? Babbage. All right, so shall we go through our scores?

[Jennifer]

Great point. Sure, sure.

[Dave]

I want to say Charles Babbage, but it might be George Babbage. I think it's Charles Babbage. That's why before there was Electronic Boutique. Pam, if you remember that store, there used to be another chain called Babbages. And I believe one bought out the other. Well, Babbage's. That's why the computer store is named Babbage's. Because the guy created the. The first mechanical computer or one of the first. Anyways, this has been Babbage Corner. All you guys are named Babbage.

[Jennifer]

Oh, my God. We got so many Babbage calls.

[Pam]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Jennifer]

People are making bull slo with all of their Babbage.

[Dave]

Do you remember, though, in the 80s, and I'm talking about the 18 Babbage Patch Kids?

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

What was your score, Pam?

[Pam]

My score was 30, which is as high as you can get. I. And I.

[Dave]

You. You named the maximum points for every question I did.

[Pam]

Well, actually, one I thought I didn't, and I still got 30 points. So I don't know if you can get 31 or. I did bad math and gave myself two points once on a one, but that would have been it. Otherwise, I maxed out every time. Because I will say, like, how often do you use a microwave oven? That doesn't make me a techno head. Except question A. The answer A, which is like, no, those are terrifying. Which was quaint to remember. We were like, don't go near that machine in your kitchen.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. Stay away. The science oven. Yeah, I. I answered this as As I would have at the time. So you know when it says, do you covet one of those portable phones everyone's buying now? I said no, because at the time I wouldn't have wanted one and. And resisted getting a D in the pre iPhone era for a long time.

[Dave]

And now if your phone's in the next room from you, you start crying.

[Jennifer]

That's correct. And even so, I still got 21, so I was at the low end of the highest category, but still. Can we call you robo chick? Sure, Kim. Why not?

[Pam]

Yeah, I mean, how long are you afraid of a citywide power failure then and now? Fucking terrified. Like, that's not. That's not pretend. That's fine. We'll find out on Wednesday. Dave, stay tuned to Los Angeles.

[Dave]

I like it when they're short and then suddenly the night sky is visible. Like an hour, two hour complete power outage. I'm fine with this one. They extend into like, will the power be here when we wake up in the morning? Because it's 85 degrees now and it certainly is going to be 100 by the time we wake up. Sure would be nice for the AC to kick in. That is where it gets tiresome. But I kind of don't mind the little bit here and there.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. I mean, the progression of these answers is sort of like how it was with the 2004 blackout. A, impossibly romantic. B, completely terrifying. C, a tad boring. It was till the Saturday morning after it happened because we were like the last neighborhood in Toronto to get our power back, I think.

[Dave]

Yep. Yep.

[Jennifer]

But you know what? I did read a book. It's the last time that happened.

[Dave]

Hey, Dave, what did you score?

[Jennifer]

Oh, hey, Dave, what did you score?

[Dave]

I'm stating, I think three or four questions. I still got 20. So I'm still in the. I'm still in the upper bracket there, Techno head. I'm a robo chick as well, which was a surprise to me, but, yeah, I'll take it.

[Jennifer]

Were you answering as present day Dave or.

[Dave]

No, I was trying to answer them.

[Jennifer]

Yeah.

[Dave]

But a lot of the answers are the same, which is, on average, how many phone calls do you make nightly? Like negative 12. Like, my phone rings, I pretend it's not around. You know, even if I recognize the number, I'm like, I don't like to talk.

[Jennifer]

Yes.

[Dave]

It's my most millennial trait is like, I'm scared of the voice phone.

[Jennifer]

Mm.

[Pam]

I'd like to point out that perhaps it's not our fault that our points are all over the place because number eight, how do you feel about driving a stick shift? E the gears, the clutch, it's anxiety producing. Is worth two points which it shouldn't. It shouldn't.

[Jennifer]

Yeah.

[Dave]

No. So what is the more technical using a stick shift or taking advantage of the technology of an automatic car? I think it's a wash. Well, so.

[Pam]

Here not a problem. It's like Nintendo is zero points and automatic is easier but I can figure out eventually is in the middle. So I think these numbers are swapped and I haven't gone through all of them. But maybe that is happening more than once which is why we're all scoring off the charts despite even completing the quiz.

[Jennifer]

Well, there's a ghost in the machine of this place. Shall we move on to our questions?

[Dave]

Let's do that.

[Jennifer]

Okay, we got a couple of calls in each of the teen life and fashion etc categories and then it's a lot of calls about calls which I love. So let's. Let's dispense with the teen life calls first. Let's hear from Caitlin.

[Tara]

Hey, listen to Sassy. This is Caitlin from Vancouver. Haven't called in a while. Still loving the pod. And I had to chuckle at the most recent episode about the kids making fun of their young teacher for looking like Ben Siever, which reminded me that I had a first big Ben Siever phase. Not when I was a young adult, but as a kid in the 80s. Like I could have been his. I could have been his stand in. It was really something. And then Tara was. Tara was talking about being in a mask and looking young and Pam being looking young to the young people. I teach at a university and they often think I look a lot younger than I am, which always makes me feel kind of good. But then it reminded me of a story about a couple of years ago, sort of in the height of the pandemic. I was at the liquor store wearing a mask and I got ID'd and I thought, oh, look at me. Fancy me looking good. 48, getting ID'd. And I was digging in my purse to find my driver's license. I couldn't find it. So the clerk said, oh, just pull down your mask for a sec. So I did. And she was like, oh, oh no, you're fine. Don't need to see anything devastating.

[Jennifer]

And I was like, oh no, I did it.

[Tara]

You're somewhere. I'll find you. She's like, no, no, seriously, it's fine. I don't need to see anything. So rude. But what are you gonna do? Love the Pod. Keep it up. You guys are awesome.

[Jennifer]

Thank you, Caitlyn. I did not screen these calls early enough to check with Caitlyn if we could share this with our readers. But I did put the photo that Caitlyn emailed as a follow up and I don't not see it. It's a very cute photo. But you know, Ben Siever was cute too. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. And thank you for being this vulnerable. Love this photo. Love this shirt. Everything about this is great.

[Pam]

This picture is exactly who later someone is like. And that was my best friend. Just pointing your finger on her. You drawn a heart in a race. You've erased a heart around her head. This was my best friend.

[Jennifer]

Yes, you're adorable. We also heard in the teen life category from Kelly. This is going to sound like a pop culture call, but it was related to the fiction story in March. So let's hear it.

[Pam]

Hi, Tara, Dave and Pam.

[Sarah]

This is Kelly in Rhode Island. So Tara's comment about the Graceful Dead being the most boring band in the world struck a chord with me. So I have some good friends who are really, really, really big Deadheads, and I love them dearly. They're great people. But oh my gosh, the Grateful Dead, so boring. And jam bands and just going on.

[Tara]

And on and on and on and on.

[Sarah]

It's so boring. And I would never say this to them. And they don't listen to this podcast because if they did, I would never, ever, ever say this. But anyway, it's so boring.

[Tara]

And our friend.

[Sarah]

And so there's two friends, husband and wife, and the husband plays for a fairly successful Grateful Dead Kappa ban. And I've never gone to one of his concerts because I can always beg off and say that I have to stay home with my kids and my husband can go.

[Pam]

He doesn't mind it as much as.

[Sarah]

I do, but I don't think I could sit through a show even though I love him. It would be so hard.

[Pam]

Anyway, I'm glad I got that off.

[Sarah]

My chest because heaven knows I can't say anything like that ever to them or in their general vicinity or to any of our mutual friends. So, just wanted to pop in and say thanks. Love the podcast. Talk to you guys later. Bye.

[Jennifer]

I'm so glad we could be this safe space for you. And I want to apologize to past substitute guest co host Dan Roge, because he is a fish head and he is furious right now.

[Pam]

So, I mean, he's used to it.

[Jennifer]

That's probably true. It's nothing he hasn't heard before.

[Pam]

I'm sure he doesn't mind sitting through long diatribes that aren't really going anywhere. So if you have a lot to say about jam bands, can you name.

[Dave]

One Grateful Dead song that's not Touch of Gray?

[Jennifer]

Nope.

[Pam]

You know, I only can because Jane's Addiction covered one, which is Ripple.

[Dave]

See, that might be made up. She may just made that up. That might be a Pam lie she told the moment we would have known. There's no way of knowing, no way of checking.

[Pam]

It's also the name of the pea milk that kicked us all off on this journey of mine. But it's true. The song is called Ripple.

[Jennifer]

Casey Jones is that one. Driving that train high on cocaine. That's the Grateful Dead, right?

[Pam]

That sounds fine.

[Dave]

Congratulations. You both win.

[Jennifer]

Oh, no, I don't want to win this prize. No, I feel for Kelly. All of my friends in high school were Deadheads, too. And I'm sure I talked about that when we read the article about the going to a Dead show. And I never was even the tiniest bit tempted to go. You know why? Don't like to be out in nature. Onto the fashion.

[Dave]

No, no, no, no. What's the deal with the bears? What's the deal with the Grateful Dead Bears?

[Pam]

We probably aren't the people to ask.

[Dave]

I'm just conjecture. What do you think is going on there? Is that a quinuple? You know, the five bears in a row?

[Pam]

Oh, I genuinely assume they like a human centipede, but bears?

[Dave]

No, no, no.

[Pam]

Or you mean like a throuple?

[Dave]

A throuple with five. With Quinn.

[Jennifer]

A pentuple.

[Dave]

Oh, a pentuple. Yes. That makes more sense.

[Jennifer]

Perhaps.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Jennifer]

I've seen shirts where it's way more than five. Like there's, you know, fractals of bears.

[Dave]

You know, a frack couple, fractaling of bears all having sex. We're through the looking glass here, people.

[Pam]

Wonderkiller has the answer whenever you want it.

[Dave]

720Sassy. Go.

[Jennifer]

Let us know.

[Pam]

They had a sound engineer and producer that was known as Bear. He had excessive chest hair. Chest hair. And the logo designed by Bob Thomas is often interpreted as an homage to him.

[Jennifer]

Okay, fashion, et cetera, calls. Let's hear from Sarah.

[Sarah]

Guys, it's Sarah in Chicagoland. And I had a wisp of a memory as you guys were talking about cuticles and all of the nail business that Dave does not believe exists.

[Dave]

I didn't say it didn't exist. I said it was unnecessary.

[Sarah]

I seem to remember Pam Mentioning Dazzle Dry at some point in the podcast. And I recently tried it and it is a miracle of science. And I no idea how it works, but I will never, ever go back to jobs. My nails have never been stronger and I literally ran my hand through my hair seconds after applying it because I'm an idiot. And it was totally fine. Like, totally, totally fine. So, highly recommend. Get the system. You can totally be terrible doing your nails at home and it's not a problem. But yeah, highly recommend Dazzle Dry. Be dazzled by how quick it dries. Have a good one. Bye.

[Dave]

Dazzle Dry sounds like a white label celebrity wine that they combine. Steve Zahn presents Dazzle Dry.

[Jennifer]

There's a drug called Midazolin, and that's all I could hear every time she said it. It's like, this is. This is a white label for somebody's knockoff drug that you're buying an alley Medazzelin.

[Dave]

Sounds like something you say to somebody else when you're in the Off Broadway production of Chicago or Starlighting Madazzin or if you're presenting yourself to the Marvel character Dazzle Medazzle.

[Jennifer]

That's what you call dazzle instead of m' Lady.

[Dave]

That's right.

[Jennifer]

Well, Dave, you were not alone on the cuticle truther beat. Let's hear from Jennifer.

[Dave]

Great.

[Pam]

Hi, this is Jennifer in the dmv. I was calling because I want to.

[Tara]

Side with Dave when it comes to cuticle care.

[Pam]

I don't care for my cuticles. I mean, I use hand lotion a.

[Tara]

Couple times a day just to use.

[Pam]

Hand lotion a couple times a day.

[Tara]

But that's all I do that gets.

[Pam]

Anywhere near my cuticles.

[Tara]

And everyone says they look fine. They don't seem to grow.

[Pam]

You can barely see them.

[Tara]

They're just fine.

[Pam]

And it's not like I'm completely allergic to nail care. I don't do manicures, but I do.

[Tara]

Pedicures all the time. So I don't know, maybe it's the humidity of the D.C. area that keeps.

[Pam]

Them in good shape. Who knows?

[Tara]

Okay, thanks.

[Dave]

Bye. Sounds good to me.

[Pam]

Jennifer's so perfect. Jennifer's just got a perfect life in the D.C. area with humidity. I think it's fine.

[Jennifer]

Sure. I don't want to say people are only telling you to your face that your cuticles look fine and talking about them behind your back because I can't possibly know that. Just kidding.

[Dave]

Yeah. If you're going to send a call in like that, you should also send in a picture of your cuticles so we can judge of them.

[Pam]

I cut my nails shorter for Tara.

[Jennifer]

Thank you.

[Dave]

Have a cuticle related call. Make sure you send in a jpeg as well, please, please.

[Pam]

But I want to, I want to say to Sarah, like, don't let that stuff linger on your nails for too long or you' be. You'll be unhappy with the state of your nails underneath. Like, gotta take it off, put it on again, let them breathe every once in a while.

[Jennifer]

How so? It just never chips off.

[Pam]

It really well. I mean it does like any other gel manicure, eventually it does chip off. So you know when you start like playing with it and then it gets wet or dirty under there. Like just don't just like take it off. Let your nails breathe. Put it back on. But it is great. It really is.

[Dave]

You've just the won the award for the dirtiest out of context clip. I'm going to repurpose for later.

[Pam]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Jennifer]

All right, let's get to the main event. Calls about calls we're in talk back corner starting with Sarah again.

[Sarah]

I just finished up listening to the latest. Listen to Sassy. And if you think we do not want to follow up on Pam's story about the Spooch Parlor, you do not know your listening audience. I just wanted to say hello and how lovely it was to hear all your voices. But seriously, I need to know everything about this story immediately. Thank you.

[Dave]

Before you start, didn't we already go through all this in an earlier episode? I feel like this was one of the first 10 episodes this story came.

[Jennifer]

Out or years ago maybe, but that was a long time ago and our audience, you know, they're getting older. It's possible that Sarah didn't recall that far back. Are going to link it in the show notes. But Pam, can you tell the most abridged version of the story that you can?

[Pam]

Oh, boy.

[Dave]

Well, do you want me to tell it?

[Pam]

You know what, Dave equally tempted. Yes, Dave, go for it. Go for it.

[Dave]

Pam, you can just correct me as I go along.

[Pam]

Great.

[Dave]

Pam was going for. Nope, wasn't Pam.

[Pam]

I wasn't alone, but go right ahead.

[Dave]

Pam was going for a massage somewhere naked under a towel. Is that correct?

[Jennifer]

Under a drape, Right?

[Pam]

Well, I slid in. You need to know, I was so very pregnant. I went for a prenatal massage at like seven and a half million months. Pregnant. Slid up. I had to lift myself and kind of flop like a whale onto this table. And then once I slid in there, I was able to do that because I was Wet. Like, my butt was wet with a substance that was already on the table, which I, for a second worried that was my water breaking or something, because again, what we don't know anything about wind, women's bodies. And so, like any normal person, I put some of it on my fingers and I smelled it, and that is when I knew it was semen for sure. And politely tried to tell everyone in the place that they had a problem, but I also had to call my doctor because I was terrified I had become the next urban legend. So, yeah, so then I told the story at a monologue show, and those were, you know, newish at the time. And then I told it at a couple of other monologue shows, and it's been published in a book. And a man once said to me, you know, I'm really surprised that you, you know, wrote it all down and then said it out loud repeatedly in front of people after that. And I was like, why? What would you have done? He was like, oh, never tell anyone that ever happened to me.

[Jennifer]

Ever.

[Pam]

Never, never tell a soul. Not the person massaging me. Not my friend that went to the. Not my doctor. Certainly no one would know that ever happened to me. And I don't. I don't know. Everything is copy. My life is a walking warning.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. I mean, I feel like that's a real. There are two kinds of people in the world situation. The person who would never tell anyone, including themselves in their darkest moments, and the person who compulsively told everyone they possibly could.

[Dave]

Yeah. This week on Spooge Sniffers.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Jennifer]

And it shut down. Was that the coda of that story?

[Pam]

No, dude, that place is still open.

[Jennifer]

Ugh.

[Dave]

They pay extra for that, Listeners, Just.

[Pam]

So you know, the reason I definitely tell everyone about it is when we politely went to the office and told them what was going on and then talked about what had happened to me. And then they brought me to the back room. He offered a 50% discount.

[Jennifer]

No.

[Pam]

Generous on the massage that they then gave me by someone else who was sniffing the whole time. That made me think it was probably that same masseuse who was crying the whole time. They. Oh, God. Such. Because they knew things were over. Now, listen, half off is upsetting. Most upsetting thing of it all.

[Tara]

Half off.

[Jennifer]

I mean, I feel like if I'm that manager, I'm say, you can have free massages for life because you're never coming back. But you're never coming back, so it's not going to cost you anything.

[Pam]

I've never went back But I kind of want. And people were like, is it this place? Is it this place? And I don't want to ruin whatever, but everybody should know. Like, they don't. They just. Just. There's just a stack of sheets and they just took one off and went to the next. So, you know, we have a lot of fluids. We're all a lot of fluids.

[Jennifer]

Yeah, we're just.

[Dave]

Is that the name of the place? Can you tell us now? It's called A Lot of Fluids.

[Pam]

We're all a lot of Fluids down.

[Dave]

On La Cienega or the road that goes through all parts of LA Sepulveda.

[Pam]

How I never became the next David Sedaris, I'll never understand.

[Dave]

Correct me if I'm wrong, it's not over. But Sepulveda is like the ghost from Super Mario Brothers. When you have your back turned on Sepulveda, it's right behind you.

[Jennifer]

It's creeping up.

[Dave]

You have to turn around. Keep Spalvida from encroaching on wherever you are.

[Jennifer]

That's right.

[Pam]

I had gestational diabetes at the time. Also important, because what had happened seconds before touching the semen was I had pricked myself and did a blood sugar test. So I. So that is why I was like, I gotta call my doctor. Because seconds ago I put a needle in my finger and then I touched some anonymous sperm.

[Dave]

That's scary.

[Pam]

Think I remember. I live in sassy land. I remember that was sure. Fire away. You were gonna. Does very sick.

[Dave]

This event line up with your tincture addiction? Like, were you okay before then and then after this? You decided you needed to, like, cover yourself with other things all the time.

[Pam]

Well, this changed to this. This was one of the last times I went to just like an open building that offers massages. I do not do that shit anymore.

[Dave]

An open building that offers massages?

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

I'm just imagining like a bombed out London duplex with like two big walls missing and there's like a guy with a table inside one of them. He's just like beckoning you over.

[Jennifer]

No, no, no, no, no, no. You're. You're at the. You're at Walmart. You're at the. The outdoor section where they just set up a tent and you go in it.

[Dave]

Yeah, you're at Home Depot. In the garden center.

[Pam]

Yes, in the garden center.

[Dave]

You're at the guy next door that has the big metal carport.

[Jennifer]

They put you on a pallet that's covered with mulch and you just get on the mulch pile and then they Give you a massage.

[Pam]

Look, you guys know I will take my clothes off and let people massage me in most places. Yeah, I give you the benefit of the doubt.

[Dave]

Become a real problem.

[Jennifer]

Massage joint, TSA line. You know, it doesn't really matter.

[Pam]

This was terrible, though. This was too co ed. And that's how I got spermed. And I just feel like, no, man, no. Like, take it somewhere else. Someone did that on purpose and then left it. And then, you know, there's just not a lot of ways that women get away with this. I'm just like, I'm gonna leave a little something for you later. You're welcome, giant pregnant lady. We made eye contact. He knows I rolled right into his spooge. Dick.

[Dave]

Well, I hope you're happy, Sarah.

[Pam]

Anyway, was that what you wanted? Are you happy you called in? We'll put it in the show notes so you can read it as it's meant to be consumed.

[Jennifer]

Well, let's go on to hear what Jennifer had to say.

[Sarah]

Clip 6 hello, Dave, Pam and Tara. This is Jennifer in North Carolina, one of your many, many listeners in Jennifer. And I'm calling about the quiz in the Sleepover, the most recent sleepover episode, where there was the question about what you would do if you were in a play and someone dropped a line. And I do have some experience with this, as I think I mentioned in a previous call. I was a theater kid in a production of Grease in which I played Rizzo. There was a scene where some. Some snafu happened and there was just this blank space of silence. And so finally, the boy I had a crush on who played Duty in this particular production, he didn't know what else to do. So he goes, hey, guys, guess what? And everybody just kind of looks at him because nobody knows what to do. And he just goes, chicken butt. Back then we said, guess what? Chicken butt. I don't know if that was a thing with y' all, but it was with us. And I also do these days dabble in being a theater adult, which is probably even worse. And I was in a production of Young Frankenstein. I was playing Elizabeth. And just before one of Elizabeth songs, please Don't Touch Me, the line that leads into that is when Victor Henry, what's his name anyway, Frankenstein, when he says, well, I can dream, can't I? And anyway, so that. That part of the show comes along and can't like nothing, nobody's saying anything, and we've got to get into the song. I'm like, well, shit, I guess I have to solve this So I just say to him, well, you can always dream, can't you? And he just looks at me and says, I suppose I can. And we go into the song. And then later, of course, I realized that what had happened is he did not drop the line. I dropped my line that prompted the line he was supposed to say. The complicated line that I forgot to say was, thank you. Anyway, thank you for your awesome podcast. Love y' all.

[Jennifer]

Bye, gorgeous call. I believe it's Victor. But unless they changed it for the play, which is quite possible, nobody's perfect, even in community theater. I will say to the person who played Duty, that is on character credit.

[Pam]

To that gentleman, you know, guess why.

[Jennifer]

Chicken thigh.

[Pam]

That's right.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. Let's hear from Heather.

[Tara]

Hey, Sassy, Tara, Dave, Pam. Hello, it's Heather. Da, da da. Dink, dink again. Gosh. Anyway. Gosh, I'm really not very bright, am I? So I've loved Spaceballs a really long time. Funny thing, I actually saw Bridge over the River Kwai, probably right around the time I sent you that long, rambling message. I really have a thing for Alec Guinness. I think it was on TMC. And maybe Dr. Zhivago was on before. After. It was a long afternoon of watching, like, classic movies. Anyway, so I had recently seen Bridge over the River Cry, and it still didn't even connect. That the Dink song, obviously, of course. And then the Hitler's Counting Hitler's balls. Gosh, it's great. Gosh, you guys are fantastic. Thank you for making meaning out of my drinking and occasionally not drinking ramblings. I'm not drunk. It's like, sometime in the morning. Anyway, Dinkily yours, great day. Bye.

[Pam]

Dinkly yours.

[Jennifer]

I'm not sure Dinkly Yours is gonna catch on the way Kevin Coogan forever did, but thank you for the follow up. Glad we could help solve this.

[Pam]

Now, when you call in, you could be like, not to dink, dink. But that's when we do our calls about calls. Those are dink, dinks.

[Jennifer]

All right, I like that. Okay, speaking of Kevin Coogan forever, let's hear clip eight.

[Tara]

Hi, JTarfam. It's Megan listening to the slumber party episode. And you were discussing the. We were like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And you figured out was the Bridge over the River Kwai. And then one of you asked, oh, is that in Stand By Me? It's not in Stand By Me. I actually just saw Stand By Me on the big screen at my local independent theater, the Garden. Theater. Shout Out. Garden Theater. For the first time in, like, a very long time, they do sing have Gun, Will Travel. But they don't sing. Don't think they sing over the Bridge of the River Kwai. However, a movie where they do whistle Bridge over the River Kwai is in the Breakfast Club. And they all start going. And then when the principal comes in, they go anyway. Also an excellent movie. Okay, love you, Kevin Coogan forever.

[Dave]

Bye. I think we all learned what frequencies telephone calls usually dispense with in order to save bandwidth. And it is a whistling frequency.

[Pam]

Yes. I was confusing my rated R films for youth. Maybe when I said Stand By Me. And it is Breakfast Club. Thank you, Meg.

[Jennifer]

But that's not all. Clip nine.

[Sarah]

Here it comes.

[Tara]

I forgot the. I'm gonna stick a sad song. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna get it, I'm gonna get it. Wait, I'm really gonna get it. I'll be thinking, okay. I mean, I got it, I got.

[Jennifer]

It, I got it, I got it, I got it.

[Tara]

Stick with me, stick with me, stick with me on this. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Okay.

[Sarah]

Here it comes. Sadness Ahoy. It's sassy. Bummer feature. It's not about a cute boy. That's all I have.

[Pam]

Oh, it's good.

[Tara]

That's free music. You can use that. You can use that.

[Dave]

You can use that.

[Tara]

This is strange. Okay, Kevin Coogan forever. Bye.

[Jennifer]

No, that was perfect.

[Dave]

Thank you.

[Jennifer]

That's a great.

[Pam]

Once I figured out what it was.

[Jennifer]

I was like, yes.

[Pam]

Listen, though, seriously. 720sassy. Go. Does anyone listen to our podcast sober?

[Jennifer]

You don't have to.

[Pam]

I'm just curious. I'm just curious. You don't have to. I'm not trying to change anything. It's just. I like stats.

[Jennifer]

Yeah, we do get a call related to that. It's still coming up, but not yet. First, we gotta hear from Laura in clip 10.

[Sarah]

Hi, Tara, Pam and Dave, this is Beezore. Laura, I'm still catching up on episodes, so this has absolutely nothing to do with what you have recently talked about, but I had not been working in surgery for a really long time and just started a few months ago. And I have to tell you that today I saw the most giant bezor I have ever seen. And I was really sad that, you know, I can't take a picture of it. Although I'm sure everybody's grateful, I couldn't take a picture of it. But if you could imagine, like, what's Clogged in a drain. It was that if the drain of a shower was like, the size of an infant's head.

[Tara]

So you're welcome for the mental image. I'm sure once I catch up on episodes, I'll have.

[Sarah]

Have way more disgusting things to talk about.

[Dave]

I love Beezore. Laura's fascination with Bezos. It's right in her name. What I think should have happened is she should have taken it. And then, you know how people travel the world and they have some chotchki they bring with them to take photos with, you know, like, it's you and the stuffed animal at the leading Tower of Pisa. It's you and the stuffed animal at the Eiffel Tower. It's that with her bezoar. Her favorite bezoar. Her giant bezoar. I think that should have happened. And, like, who's gonna miss the bezoar? Like, I'm sure it just gets thrown into the incinerator, right? Like, you're not asking the guy who the bezoar came from, like, do you want it to go package? Do you want this? Do you want this little piece of you, you know, to put in a jar at home? That's not happening. So just take it.

[Jennifer]

Laura wouldn't. Okay, but let's say you are that guy, Dave. Some. Some misadventure has. Has occurred to you, and you've had to get a bezoar the size of an infant's head removed from you.

[Dave]

Huh?

[Jennifer]

And they say it was pretty big. Do you want to see it?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Jennifer]

You wouldn't keep it?

[Dave]

I wouldn't keep it.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. I'm asking.

[Dave]

I'd be tempted. It depends how disgusting it is.

[Jennifer]

Like, I mean, let's assume pretty. Pretty disgusting.

[Pam]

How about Crispin Glover would buy it.

[Dave]

That's not disgusting. What I'm talking about is, like, how. How presentable is it in the. Like, you know, can I put her on a plaque? Can I put it just, like, you know, in a shadow box and have.

[Jennifer]

Like, oh, this is my bezoar in its natural state? Or after you put googly eyes.

[Dave]

I don't know. I don't know too much about. Yes, after I put googly eyes on it. Reminds me of a story, though. One time I really freaked out somebody in the medical profession who had a doctorate. It was in Hawaii. An unfortunate turn of events meant our first dog, the late, great Gordon Lightfoot, had to get his back leg amputated because his hip was that far gone and he couldn't put any weight on it. And that was the solution. But we lived on the big island of Hawaii that doesn't have a ton of resources. So there's one guy on the island that was qualified to do surgery and he had never done it before. It turned out mostly okay. We had to like fix it again about a year later just for some drainage issues. But he was was better for it. That part wasn't problem with at the sort of consultation about what's going to happen and everything like that. He's like going on describing it, you know, how he's going to go in there, what he's going to cut, what the post surgery situation will be, how long it will take to recover. And I stopped him, I said can I keep the leg? And like this he just turned white. He had no idea to react. There was like a 5 second pregnant pause and I said I'm joking. He's like, oh, thank God. I didn't know what to say. I'm like, yeah.

[Jennifer]

I have to think he has heard some crazy from pet owners on the Big island and that's all I'll say.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Jennifer]

Anyway, they remediated it much better in Texas where you know a lot of surgeries happen, including on animals. Speaking of safety issues, when listening to the podcast, let's hear our final clip.

[Sarah]

Hi, it's Sarah from Evanston. I think this is the third time I've called this week and it's Wednesday, but I've been going through the back catalog because I've been furiously cleaning my house and you guys are awesome as pals while I do that. Anyway, in listening to slumber party calls, I am amazed at how many of us have had to pull over the car and or park in order to call in. I just have to commend all of us for being safe because I know how many times I've been nearly crying laughing in the car. And I just have to say kudos to all of us responsible adults. Thanks again. I hope this finds all of you well. It just made me laugh. How many calls start with I had to pull over to call you. It just made me laugh and you guys always make me laugh. Thanks again.

[Jennifer]

So there you go. Some people are calling from their front porch and they've had a few. And some people are calling from the car safely from the side of the.

[Pam]

Road before we get too far away from the should you keep a bizarre that you find at work? A quick search on Etsy shows that some of them can go for five to eight hundred dollars, particularly if you happen to be an elephant, crow, cheetah or octopus, are you Dave? Sometimes it's none of our business. It's none of our business.

[Dave]

Like a wasp's nest or something like that. Carefully extract it from its place of origin and sell it for weird amount of money considering what it is.

[Pam]

Oh my little side project like you just put that in your pocket, tell no one and then put it on Etsy. Make some a little side hustle.

[Jennifer]

Next time we will be discussing the teen life topics of the April 1991 issue. Check out a black debutante ball. Go to Baltimore, shoot a horse. Apparently in Nevada that's totally fine. Insert Bummer Song here for my plug. This week our sister podcast again with this is running a Patreon campaign membership drive with many perks yet to unlock. The first one is a sticker set and if you're a listener to this podcast, you know the stickers are legit and one of these is holographic and it says who? And you know you want it. So go to again with this podcast.com campaign for more information information about that. That's the podcast where we talk about Beverly Hills 90210 Melrose Place and Dawson's Creek, all of which I think are in the area of television shows of interest to our listeners. Davis showing off the who sticker. God it's gorgeous. Again with this podcast.com campaign.

[Dave]

You can follow [e-mail] on Blue Sky. Pam's there too, but she will not reply to anything you put her way. The show itself is listen to sassy.com I'm there as Cole, FYI. Yeah, you can support us on Patreon. Of course. $5 a month gets you a whole bunch of Perks. The biggest one is the PDF of the actual Cover 2 cover issue that we're talking about and all the ones we have talked about. That's a bargain unto itself. Plus you get access to the Discord ad free episodes and if you're really lucky, Pam will come to your blown out house for a massage.