May 1991 Fashion Etc.: Outside, Blue & Tutti-Frutti On Your Face

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, David T. Cole
Episode: May 1991 Fashion Etc.: Outside, Blue & Tutti-Frutti On Your Face
Date: September 30, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the May 1991 issues of Sassy magazine, exploring fashion trends, beauty advice, and the unique spirit that made the magazine a Gen-X favorite. The hosts dissect the magazine’s iconic fashion spreads, beauty tips, retro advertisements, and memorable features, blending nostalgic reminiscence with their signature wit and friendly banter. The episode delivers a vibrant journey through early ‘90s teen culture, while the hosts share personal stories, fashion confessions, and playful arguments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the 1991 Scene & Sassy-isms

• “It is May 1991 and you have cash to burn...” opens the show with a monologue paralleling temptations in high fashion and beauty trends, reflecting Sassy's playful yet critical take on mainstream teen media.
• Discussion of “sex pots” (shoeboxes for secret savings) as a Sassy inside joke.
• The relatable feeling of reading magazines out of order and being confused about your own coolness (“...whether or not you are pretty cool or confident.” [01:44])

2. Fun Facts, Pop Culture, and Spencer’s Gifts

• David shares Spencer’s trivia: “Spencer’s started in 1947... they own Spirit Halloween.” ([02:35])
• Discussion spirals through ‘90s mall staples—Victoria’s Secret, Party City, and even a brief, comedic mentioning of tampons and driver’s licenses as “fundamental rights.”

3. Sassy Cover Model Deep Dive

• Tara reveals the identity and later career of May 1991’s cover model Chandra West, including her Canadian roots, acting gigs (including "Twin Peaks"), and TV producer husband Mark Tinker.
• Memorable Quote: “She has been married to Mark Tinker since 2005. That’s approximately 500 years in show business.” ([06:12])

4. Fashion Feature #1: “Outside”

• This spread celebrates spring prints: madras plaids, stripes, checks (fashionably rural in tone).
• The hosts discuss the rise and fall of carpenter pants, shorts, and the early-‘90s look of “rolling down your jeans.”
• Fashion Confessions: Pamela confesses, “I feel weird when I’m in, like, shorts and flat shoes... I just look like your camp counselor.” ([12:00])
• Debate about the definition of “going outside” (walking dogs, hanging laundry, etc.), spurring running jokes about Tara’s indoorsy nature.

5. Fashion Feature #2: “Blue”

• Swimsuit feature with every suit in a shade of blue.
• Copy’s heavy use of innuendo (“getting wet here... getting dry there... in your vagina” [14:48]) prompts mockery.
• Nostalgic tie-in: Tara identifies a swimsuit worn by Jenny Garth on Beverly Hills, 90210 ([16:03]).
• Floral Bathing Caps: Tara had a real one as a child, sparking comedic speculation about “the physics involved” when borrowing grandma’s accessories.

6. “Don’t Forget to Write” Trend Forecast

• Focus on prints featuring letters, postcards, stamps.
• Pamela shares that she made pajamas with similar fabric; discussion about how, at a certain age, wearing prints feels like “fashion crimes.”
• Tara encourages that “you could still wear it,” but Pamela jokes she now has “too much personality for that much print.” ([19:53])

7. Beauty Page: The '40s Revival

• Focus on red lips, precise nails, and 1940s glamour: “Looking very ‘40s with short, neat oval shapes to your fingernails. Tara approved.” ([21:49])
• Discussion of how to get the “half moon” nail look.
• Commentary on exclusion in beauty copy (“No, Sassy, true beauties weren’t all pale. Thank you. Take this one back to the copy room and try again.” [22:54])

8. Beauty & Hair Hacks

• Tara still uses John Frieda’s Frizz-Ease hairspray ([24:01]); hosts call the 1991 phone number to confirm it’s still operational—surprisingly, it is.
• Reader tip: Kool Aid as hair dye (with loads of cautions: “Do it at someone else’s house... or you are in trouble.” [25:15])
• Running Joke: Dave suggests using highlighters or Bic pens instead: “Color your hair with a highlighter?” ([26:39])

9. Tutti Frutti on Your Face – Spring/Summer Makeup

• Feature on fruit-inspired makeup colors.
• Quote: Pamela on Kissing Potion lip gloss, “That felt like you had a rollerball of just goop...” ([27:45])
• Blurbs on “Softer Skin Steps” (“smooth on moisturizer with your ring finger”), and Maybelline’s “Supernatural Lashes,” with fun banter over the three shades of black mascara. ([28:44])

10. Retro Ads & Sassy Commerce

- Jolene Bleach Cream

• Overly enthusiastic SNL-esque ladies in an ad for facial bleach; playful speculation about what it’s safe to bleach (“Not for use on pubic hair” ([33:06])).
• Hilarious aside: “You said it’s important not to... put it on your pubes.” ([32:28])

- L’Oreal Root Boost

• Over-the-top hair in the ad (“She has a bunt cake over her head”).
• Pamela: “She’s auditioning to be in the touring company of the B-52s with this hair.” ([35:05])

- BAIN DE SOLEIL

• Nostalgia for SPF 4 lotions, oil “as sunscreen.”
• Impromptu French lesson: “What does ‘bain de soleil’ mean?” It means “sun bath.” ([36:15])

- Kmart Special Section featuring “Miss Teenage America”

• Ad tries for “high fashion” but is still very Kmart, evoking memories of shoulder pads, floral prints, and summer shoes that stain feet. ([38:00])

- The Sassy Hotline

• New limit: two calls per week, must ask parental permission.
• Hotline offers gossip, quizzes, horoscopes, and a voicemail option ([40:31]).

- Sea Sack

• “It’s a towel. It’s a sack. You’re both wrong, it’s a Csac.” ([41:39])
• Sharon’s beagle silently judges the purchase.

- Enchanted 'Deco Photo Pin'

• Old ‘90s decorative pins with unsettling photos are joked about as “trapped souls” or “objects from Julio Torres.” ([42:57])

- Vanilla Ice 1-900 Line

• “Find out how the Iceman is living, touring, and what he wants only you to know.”
• AT&T “not a sponsor,” and the phrase “vanilla is flowing smooth on your phone.” ([44:10])

- Pro Set “Musicards”

• Musician trading cards (“Like sports cards, but embarrassing.”) ([46:32])
• Illustration compared to Rolling Stone caricaturist Philip Burke.

- Dating Hotlines

• Guide “2” Guys: Four different numbers, one for each burning question (including “Find out if you’ve cool kisses now”).
• David: “Why are there two lesbians at the top of this ad?” ([49:30])

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Pamela: “I feel weird when I’m in, like, shorts and flat shoes... I just look like your camp counselor.” ([12:00])
• Tara: “You could wear those... But all the other denim stuff, it just doesn’t work on me...” ([12:43])
• David (on Sassy’s overdone beauty editorial): “No, Sassy. No, no, no, no, no. True beauties weren't all pale.” ([22:54])
• Pamela (on Kissing Potion): “That felt like you had a rollerball of just goop.” ([27:45])
• Pamela (on the Jolene ad): “Just these old bitties over here talking about, like, 'did you get this at Target? It’s a bleach wherever you need paling, paling.'” ([31:43])
• David (on Kmart ad): “Speaking about shitty, what about that first photo?” ([39:03])
• Pamela (on deco photo pin): “If you don’t use the visual aids all that often, here is one. Because on the left we have a trapped soul that we were supposed to save for $8 back in 1991.” ([42:57])
• Tara (on the music trading cards): “Caricatures make me uncomfortable in an R. Crumb way.” ([47:56])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:44 – Sassy’s witty “May 1991” intro monologue
• 02:35 – Spencer’s trivia and mall nostalgia
• 06:12 – Chandra West cover model discussion / Sassy cast update
• 10:22 – “Outside” fashion feature debate
• 12:00 – Short-shorts confessions
• 14:48 – Swimsuit feature and blue theme
• 16:03 – TV tie-in: Beverly Hills 90210
• 19:53 – Print clothing and “too much personality”
• 21:49 – “The '40s” beauty advice
• 24:01 – Frizz-Ease hotline call
• 25:15 – Kool Aid hair dye tip
• 27:45 – “Kissing Potion” nostalgia
• 28:44 – Mascara shade banter
• 31:43 – Jolene bleach ad speculation
• 33:06 – PSA: “NOT for use on pubic hair!”
• 35:05 – Towering hair, B-52s style
• 36:15 – Bain de Soleil and SPF throwback
• 38:00 – Kmart fashion regrets
• 40:31 – Sassy hotline update
• 41:39 – Csac (towel-bag hybrid) mockery
• 42:57 – Enchanted “trapped soul” photo brooch
• 44:10 – Vanilla Ice hotline and AT&T legal
• 46:32 – Pro Set “Musicards” trading cards
• 49:30 – Dating hotline and ad confusion

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Closing Thoughts and Next Episode

The episode wraps with classic Sassy masthead moments, meta editorial debates, and playful plugging of Fat Bear Week. The hosts encourage listeners to support independent media, reminisce about Sassy quizzes (“Are You a Big Fat Boar?”), and promise even deeper dives next time.

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Overall:
This episode blends fashion nostalgia, ad snark, and the kind of off-the-wall humor only Sassy fans get, making it an ideal primer for anyone seeking to relive—or understand—the early ‘90s through the quirkiest teen magazine lens.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

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[D]

10 toppings for $9.99? That's impossible.

[C]

Anything's possible.

[D]

I taught my dog to say I love you.

[B]

It is May 1991 and you have cash to burn. You could spend it on a Karl Lagerfeld molten bodysuit or a bathing suit the New York Times swears will cover quote a multitude of sins or some purpley brown lipstick that's in Vogue or a push up bra. Because man, these fashion magazines sure are pushing for a vaudeville vampire look. But you have to stop caring too much about all that. While you have 300 important dollars, you've decided at least 10% should go to charity and another 10% should go to your sex pot. We all know what a sex pot is because we all have one. That's the shoebox under your bed that you store cash in for the day you find a mature boyfriend or partner who will want to go to Spencer's with you and buy some toys like handcuffs or suggestive eight balls or maybe underwear made of fruit roll ups. Isn't that the most adult thing you could imagine? Other 80% you were just about to start figuring out when you realized you haven't read every other page of your favorite magazine. So it's that time when you read it out of order, focusing only on the fashion articles and advertisements until you feel very confused about whether or not you are pretty cool or confident. Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy.

[D]

I immediately scrambled to Wikipedia to see if Spencer's actually existed in 1991 because I was unsure. Started in 1947.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Spencer's has always been there.

[D]

Here's a real trivia nugget, especially for this time of year. What does Spencer's also own? What is a company under the Spencer's umbrella?

[C]

Pacific Sun. Hot sun.

[D]

It's not something that you get at a mall.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

But it's something that you have at least one of around you for now.

[C]

Tv.

[B]

A TV company credit card or a driver's license. A fundamental right.

[D]

They also sell shitty clothes. Of a type.

[C]

Victoria's Secret.

[D]

No, not in the mall.

[B]

They sell.

[D]

They come and go. Not one in some derelict building right now, but come November 1st.

[B]

Oh. Like party city.

[C]

Spirit, Halloween.

[D]

Spirit Halloween.

[C]

When you said they come and go, I was like, oh, tampons.

[D]

Why would you think that they only go one way for you? You just stuff them up there and they just. Last up.

[B]

Come on in and make her grin.

[D]

New shirt.

[C]

Welcome back, Pam.

[B]

Thank you. As I was saying to Tara earlier, you can tell it returned from me vacation in Mexico because I've picked up a little accent.

[D]

Yes. You eating your enchiladas.

[B]

I was in Guadalajara drinking mojitos. Guadalajara is known for being the invention, like the birthplace of tequila and mariachis.

[C]

Okay, cool.

[B]

That's what you're going to get.

[D]

Sounds like a party town.

[B]

It was. It was fun. A lot of restaurants had.

[D]

Did you know that when we were in Tucson, we were staying in the hotel that was hosting the members of the mariachi convention happening at the civic center next door?

[C]

Yep.

[B]

That's fun.

[D]

They actually had a sign that said, if you mariachi guys want to play in the lobby just this once, it's okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

No takers. They're like, I play a lot at work. I don't want to take work.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

This is me time.

[C]

As I posted at the time, this is either Act 1 of a horror movie or Act 3 of a ROM com. Having the mariachi convention in your hotel.

[B]

I want to talk about the. The clip at the beginning just for a second. This is. I remember this commercial.

[C]

Same.

[B]

Is it Domino's?

[D]

It's Little Caesars.

[B]

Little Caesars.

[D]

And it's like a triptych of people not believing the price of pizza. And then somebody saying something like, well, would you believe this? And yeah, the dog one was the one I chose.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

I remember the lady. And then that dog is. That dog is sampled in a Beastie Boys song.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Oh. Nobody knows this to where I was going to be like, it's sure Shot. It's the beginning of sure Shot.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Check your Head. And I was just like, did you put that in Dave or is that what they're sampling? It's sure shot. I didn't know that My, my grandmother. My grandmother also taught her dog to say I love you.

[C]

Fun fact.

[D]

Because she was lonely, I think.

[B]

Yeah, let's go with that.

[C]

Let's go with that.

[D]

That's the better version.

[C]

Mm. May 1991. Fashion Etc. Our cover model is Chandra. They just say Chandra, I think, but it's Chandra West. She went on to be an actor. She's been in the magazine a bunch of other times. And they note that on the About Face page she was in the Twin Peaks story recently. Ish. Portraying Audrey and their little fashion story. But I have more fun facts about Chandra. She's Canadian. We claim her. She's from Alberta, so we semi claim her. She has been married to Mark Tinker since 2005. That's approximately 500 years in show business. He is a TV producer. His credits include St. Elare, La Deadwood and LOL John from Cincinnati. And Mary Tyler Moore was his stepmother, although I think they were divorced by the time he and Shandra got together. So she was probably never her stepmother in law. But yeah, that's what's up with the Chandra.

[D]

Not Chandra, because I always known them as Chandras.

[C]

I don't know.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

They give credit to her hair and makeup team here, but both sound like names you make up when you're about to be arrested for something. Sandrine Van Slee.

[D]

She was great in Land of the Lost.

[B]

Yes, she was the Slee Slack and Colleen Creighton. Creighton, Colleen.

[D]

Colleen Creighton.

[B]

Two C's, two L's, two E's. Colleen Creighton. And my best friend Sandrine Van Snee.

[C]

The craziest thing about this is that every single. Because usually when they say all the makeup credits, it's all the same brand for a reason. And all of these this month are Coty C O T Y. So I was going through the whole issue looking for like some kind of two page big Coty spread of why they're kissing Cody's ass so hard. There's not a single Cody ad in this whole damn magazine.

[D]

Check out next month maybe.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Is it called Cody because it's makeup and you coat yourself with it?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

You are the Coty.

[B]

They had the. They had the cute powder container.

[C]

Yes, they did.

[B]

Sandrine Vansly is on Instagram if you want to check her out. Still doing it.

[D]

That's it? That's all you got? Her Instagram Wow. Somebody's sleeping on the.

[C]

Pam has her home address. She's just keeping it to herself.

[D]

Too many mojitos, not enough doxxing.

[B]

You know, when you travel, you get perspective.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Fashion feature number one is called outside for photographers. Stephen Miller.

[D]

Were you able to read this one, Tara?

[C]

Was I able to read it?

[D]

Yeah. You know, like a vampire can't see himself in the mirror, but you can't read things that say outside.

[C]

I don't know what you're talking. There was a fashion feature number one. I don't know. None of my business.

[D]

Yeah. What are these clear pages? All of it.

[C]

Look, I go outside plenty.

[D]

No, you don't.

[C]

I go outside just fine.

[D]

When's the last time you went outside?

[C]

I walked the dogs with you. Right?

[D]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Didn't answer a. When you could have walked the dogs at any point. Saturday, listeners. It is a. It is. Is deep into Tuesday.

[C]

It is Tuesday night. But listen, I have also been outside. I was outside with the dogs. I sent you photos of them.

[D]

You know what I mean?

[C]

I was back.

[D]

You don't get to claim going outside to let the dog in the yard is going outside. I had a big hike. I went from one side of the yard to the other side of the yard to make sure Xandy didn't get into any mischief.

[C]

I walked on the treadmill today. It's hot out. It's hot. I don't like it.

[D]

Anyways, that's why Tara can't contribute to the segment.

[C]

Listen, I would have gone to the grocery store, but you're the one who got up at 5am yesterday and went before I was even awake. So what does that lead me to do?

[B]

If you're just joining us on my.

[D]

No, Pam. Choose a side.

[C]

Pam doesn't have to choose a side. She's on your side, obviously.

[D]

Obviously.

[B]

You're just joining us on my favorite marriage. We are in the middle of some hot goss. Is the backyard technically outside? If you are only out there because another animal that depends on you for survival needs to shit.

[C]

I'm going outside. 10 minutes.

[D]

All right, let's reset this, guys. It's hot. Here they come. Clickety crack down the track. It's lots and lots of train.

[B]

Fashion feature number one is hot topic around here. Outside. And anyway, it's a hoot Nanny of prince this spring says the copy Madras plaids, stripes and checks Param wisely grab some buds, gas up the turnip truck and frolic in the road. So yes, this is. This is what every teen Is hoping to read on this first page. This girl's wearing carpenter pants, which I'd forgotten about. How cool these were. Carpenter pants had a loop for your nothing. Your hammer, I guess, that you carried around.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you would unbutton the top and you would roll down the things just to show that you had a belly button. It says here she's bowling, but this is. This is bocce. I don't know. I don't know what they're doing.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What do you think they do? Do they botch it? There is a version of this photo on the table of contents. And the caption there is he. I'm a model. I'm gonna hurl this bocce ball. So I guess it's hurling according to Sassy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Well, I don't know what turnip truck everybody's getting on, so why not also play some bocce?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Anyway, this look about rolling down your jeans came back a couple of years ago when we were figuring out whether or not we were gonna wear jeans again after the pandemic.

[C]

And I'm not.

[B]

I'm not really a fan of Oops, My Pants fail, but I did do it when I was younger.

[D]

Oops, My pants fell.

[B]

My pants are falling.

[D]

The least successful Captain Crunch cereal variant yet because the box art. You saw Captain Crunch's wang, and it was, like, too much. Yeah.

[C]

This is a great fashion story. I like almost every look in it. But I will say it is also very commercial. Page 45, they look like Abercrombie and Fitch. And page 46, they look like Jake Carew.

[D]

They're. They all got the beach boy going to the beach truck wagon deal with the picket fence.

[C]

Yeah, I guess that's the turnip truck we heard tell of.

[B]

Oh, it is cute. It's cute. I couldn't do any of this. I couldn't do any of this. Why also?

[C]

Oh, well, first of all, okay, not. Maybe not the bra top.

[B]

Yeah. But these pants, these shorts that were popular. I mean, I guess people are still wearing shorts. Look ridiculous on me anyway. But like, these. These shorts, I would wear plaid skirts.

[C]

Yeah, you could wear those.

[B]

The plaid skirts. But all the other denim stuff, I don't know. It just doesn't work out. It just doesn't work on me. I don't know.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I feel. I feel weird when I'm in, like, shorts and flat shoes, like sneakers. I just look like your camp counselor.

[D]

Yep.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You know, the problem is, if I may, if you have the same Problem I do that is not being tall, even though I think you're taller than I am. Shorts too long. Gotta wear short shorts.

[C]

Yeah. Well, shorter shorts.

[B]

Yeah. I gotta gammit up. And I don't really want to because you have to walk. And when you're walking with your legs exposed, it's a lot.

[D]

I came to this realization in the second half of the summer of my 53rd year. And so I got some shorter shorts, but I can't wear them this year because my legs are so white in the difference between these long shorts and short shorts that it really looks like. Like I'm melting somehow.

[C]

Like I've never noticed that. I think your legs are fine.

[D]

You don't notice because you're not outside.

[B]

It's outside is where that happens.

[C]

I see when you're wearing them in the house.

[B]

But while Cody is not an ad that we'll see anywhere in here. Banda Soleil must have paid $60 to be on every other.

[C]

In 1991. Holy.

[B]

I don't know what Sassy was doing that they could give this much pages to Banda Soleil. They're mentioned constantly in the copy. There's ads, there's, like a contest. And here they say, protect your face with Bainesoulle Sport lotion and SPF 8 or 15. That's so funny. 8. Can you imagine? You just have to never stop circling eight on your face the whole time you're outside.

[D]

Might as well just have somebody spit on you. Same thing.

[C]

Yeah. Fashion feature number two is number blue. Blue, blue, blue. It's all swimsuits, and they're all blue.

[D]

Blue.

[B]

They didn't. You know what credit to them, they did not do this one in sepia tone or black and white. We can actually see the blue.

[C]

We can see it's all blue, and it definitely is.

[B]

But this copy begins with getting wet here because it's on this page. Getting wet here. And then the other one is getting dry there. And your vagina. Yeah, yeah. Getting hot here. Getting cool there. Like all of it is. These are. Come on now. You know who's dry? Who's reading this? Getting sandy here. Anyway, that's all. I didn't really get past this copy. It's terrible.

[C]

Most of these, I would say, are pretty cute. I think this. This one in the bottom right on page 60 looks like it's for a mom. A 1991 mom, not a mom of today who's cool like Pam.

[D]

Oh. The bottom right one looks like it was made with Kai power tools from Photoshop from The era, if anybody knows that program, you're looking at this, you're like, oh, fuck.

[C]

And then if you flip on to page 63, you got a girl in a Jansen two piece. There's just plain blue. It's a little bit gathered on the top, and it's got a bow in the middle.

[D]

Being slowly attacked by a tree.

[C]

Being slowly attacked by a tree. Which will happen to you if you go to the beach, if you go outside. Like. Like a child.

[D]

Another. Another reason not to go outside.

[C]

Anyway, I knew I'd seen this swimsuit before, and I was sure it was the one that Brenda wears in the season two and later opening credits of 90210, but it's not. It's one Jenny Garth wears, and it's in season two, episode three, which she was probably shooting at the time this photo shoot happened. Like, because that was the summer season and they probably shot it in, you know, March or something. So these are probably contemporaneous. So confirmed. And thank you to the pervs who confirmed this with multiple shots of Jenny Garth.

[D]

They do that episode.

[C]

They do.

[D]

They're diligent, they're thorough, and they're there when you need them.

[C]

Would we have an Internet without pervs? That's the question.

[D]

They drive technology.

[C]

They certainly do.

[B]

Have you ever actually seen anyone wear a floral bathing cap?

[C]

I had one as a kid. I really did. It was my grandma's.

[D]

Look at this face. You are being judged, Tara.

[C]

I was. I mean, when I say I was a kid, I was in, like, grade one. Like, I'm really a young, young child.

[D]

You should describe this, because when you said floral bathing cap, I didn't actually realize the flowers were in relief.

[C]

Oh, yeah, they weren't on mine. It was just a rubber bathing cap. But it was, like, patterned. It was like, you know, 3D sort of relief.

[D]

The one in the magazine here looks like paper crafts I would do in grade three.

[C]

Yeah, it wasn't like that.

[B]

Yeah, she's in a Hollywood musical set in a pool.

[D]

But you'll be swell. You'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Starting here, starting now. My cap is made out of roses.

[B]

The question is if it were green. If it were green. It's what Dave just pulled out of his teeth before we started.

[D]

Hey, that was personal.

[C]

The question is, did I have a giant head or did my grandma have a tiny head? And the answer is, I wasn't going to ask it.

[B]

So, so glad you brought it up because this is so. I've Just been sitting here, sitting here thinking. When a six year old borrows her grandma's bathing beauty cap, what's the physics involved? Did you ask? No.

[C]

She gave it to me so that I, like, didn't have wet hair, which, like, I don't even know why she bothered. They don't work, but because it was like swimming lessons during school. So you would go to a different school, have your go in the pool, and then go back and have like a whole rest of the day at school in elementary school. But what I don't understand is why she ever had one to begin with. Because my entire life I never saw my grandma go into a body of water past her knees.

[D]

Well, why do you need shoes? She's probably wondering, well, same thing.

[B]

Yeah, Amazing. What next called don't forget to write. This is, I guess they're saying this is what's going to be the next trend. And it's all princess shit on clothes with shit on clothes. Shit on clothes. That's like someone sent you some pictures or they wrote you a postcard or they're like postmarks on your postcards.

[D]

Went to the vexiology convention, little vacations on your clothes.

[B]

I did not remember this was a thing until I saw a dress where I was like, wait, I sewed pajamas. I can't remember if it was pajamas. They were pedal pushers. And then like a top that was a button down in this like postcard and like pink stripes. Completely forgot that I did it until I saw this dress in the middle that is pretty close to what that fabric was, if I remember correctly. I still like all this stuff, like photographs.

[C]

Me too.

[B]

But you know, when you reach this age, you can't do it. You just can't. I mean, maybe like sparingly, but I can't wear like this postcard baby doll dress in public. I think. No, I'm very center square. Like so easily just be like, ah. Like you have to. I'm very aware of it. Very aware of it. I have too much personality at this age for that much print.

[D]

Pam's a lot.

[B]

Here's something. Here's what? Yeah, Pam's a lot. Here's something. Tara brought up that I was at the Emmys recently and someone put on my Facebook page like, oh, wearing a print at night is a bold choice. I didn't know that. I didn't know I was doing something wrong.

[C]

No, that's not true. Who said that?

[D]

Some.

[C]

No, you say that and then she's like, it was my mom.

[B]

No.

[D]

Well, stop defending Pam. She up and she has to learn.

[C]

She did not.

[D]

This all feels like an extension of the 80s. I'm gonna wear a burlap sack with a sugar label on it. Remember those? Those shorts?

[C]

Yeah. You know what I discovered when I watched all of Gidget recently is they had Those in the 60s, too. They had surfer guys, like the cool surfer guys wearing shorts made out of those sugar sacks.

[B]

I was just wearing a shirt. Clearly, the last week we were film, we were recording, where I was wearing a shirt made out of that flour sack stuff. Yeah.

[D]

All right.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I think this is still cool, and I think you could wear it.

[D]

Pam's just fashion crimes all over the place this week.

[B]

I threw some links in there for if you're into it too. There's stuff you could buy at different prices. Points.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

Our first beauty feature this month is the 1940s. It just says 40s, but the 1940s were where Stephen Miller was really busy. This issue.

[C]

Stephen Miller with a V. Different Stephen Miller.

[B]

Yes. Yes. If only he was the only one we ever knew about. So this is about looking very 40s with short, neat, oval shapes to your fingernails. Tara approved. Some might say very, very red polish and an enormously glamorous twist. No polish at all on the white half moons at the base of the nails?

[C]

No.

[B]

And even I can't even. How do you ask for that? How do they do it? Do they put tape on your half moons? How do you.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

I've seen that tape before because they have it for. If you're giving yourself a French manicure, you do it on the tips as well, which I also think is tacky.

[B]

Sorry. Well, anyway, it's red, red, red. Lots of lipstick, lots of lips, A lot of, you know, cupid's bow lips. And then they talk a little bit about how to curl your lashes. The patent illustration for the eyelash curler, I went on a little deep dive because I was just wondering how long and why this tattoo. This is the only tattoo I've ever.

[C]

Oh, that's pretty cool.

[B]

Look how cool that is.

[C]

Yeah, that's really cool.

[B]

This looks like it's a side one that you would like. Squeezy, like a. Like, it's out to the. Like an eyeglass.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Pincher. But that's cool looking.

[C]

So page 56 is like a grid of nine photos that are sort of your, you know, summer products, and some are just inspo. But they say in the blurb at the bottom line, your upper lash line, curl lashes, lots of mascara, lots of liner. With such dark eyes, true beauties of the decade kept their faces pale and impossibly matte. No, no, no. You can't say that. No, Sassy. No, no, no, no, no. True beauties weren't all pale. Thank you. Take this one back to the copy room and try again.

[B]

What is that? A close up of picture eight silencers for guns.

[C]

Beside.

[D]

Killed a lot of people in the 40s.

[C]

Beside the camera curlers. Yeah, they're curlers. They're metal. Metal hair curlers.

[B]

Like maybe you'd heat them up.

[D]

They do look like grenades.

[C]

I don't think you heat them.

[D]

Some sort. Wait, you didn't find out who won World War II? We did.

[C]

Yay.

[B]

About face.

[C]

Over to page 14, right in the middle. To order some Frizzies hair defluffer, call 1-800-521-3189. I'm gonna. Because I still use Frizzies. I used Frizzy's aerosol hairspray today. I use it all the time. And a lot. A lot. However much hairspray you think. I use three times as much as you think.

[B]

Did you like, you've just always stuck with it? Like you've never not had a frizzies?

[C]

No, I haven't. No, no, no. I didn't always use it. But since my hair has been this length and since I've had bangs, I have learned the only way to make my hair at all manageable is to use.

[B]

Sorry, Dave's taking a call.

[C]

A shit ton of aerosol hairspray.

[B]

Is it Peter DeLuise?

[C]

I think he's probably calling Frizzies.

[D]

I was, but I missed the start. Here we go.

[A]

Thank you for calling John Frieda Consumer Care Center.

[B]

We are sorry, but our offices are now closed. Our regular office hours are Monday.

[C]

It's still them.

[B]

Still them.

[C]

Amazing.

[B]

Reader tip. Reader tip from Cathy from Catherine, Nebraska.

[D]

Great Thundercats.

[C]

Don't care.

[B]

For that, I have a way to color light colored hair. Take a packet of Kool Aid, add six cups of water, no sugar, stir, then plunk. Plug your sink, lean forward and pour the Kool Aid over your head. Let the ends soak. Fill a cup with Kool Aid from the sink and pour it over the rest of your hair. Do this for a minute or two, then stand up, blow dry, and voila. You have an inexpensive, radical new hair color that washes out the next time you shampoo. Caution. Cherry Kool Aid only comes out after two shampoos. Caution. Two Kool Aid stains. So Wear old clothes and use an old towel. Caution 3. Do it at someone else's house on a slumber party or you are in trouble.

[C]

Caution 4 they already told us to do this with cranberry juice in that whole story last year about DIY this and that. Make your lipstick last by mixing the teeny tiny bits at the end with Chapstick or whatever.

[D]

Caution 5 Don't do this against an external wall. Oh, yeah.

[B]

It didn't really work very well, too.

[D]

I can't imagine it makes it.

[B]

No, no.

[D]

Unless you have, like, white hair and you use, like, blue Kool Aid and you look slightly blue after. Like, you just put one layer of cellophane tape around something or a Saran Wrap around something. What you really want to do is take a Bic pen, get all the ink out of it, and use that. That'll probably work better.

[C]

Color your hair with a highlighter.

[D]

Really? Like, you mean like a pen highlighter?

[C]

Yeah, it might work.

[D]

Oh, I thought this was a secret. A teen secret.

[C]

You're just.

[D]

Oh, okay. You're just making up shit.

[C]

Just make it up.

[B]

I would just use.

[C]

Hey, you know who else is just making up shit? Catherine Nebraska.

[B]

Oh, it's pronounced Nebraska. I put white out in my hair.

[C]

Tutti Frutti.

[B]

Your face. The new spring and summer makeup lines would make Carmen Miranda's heart skip a beat.

[D]

Tooty fruity. Your face. Something sexual. Search.

[C]

It does sound really dirty. Oh, yeah. Well, tutti true to your face.

[B]

All the fruit salad inspired shades coming your way. Max Factors Watermelon collection. Flame Glows Natural Glow Natural Fruit flavor lip gloss. I think Flame Glow might want to take a look at that one again. Flame Glows Natural Glow Natural Fruit flavor Lip gloss.

[C]

Yeah, it's too much.

[B]

And Prescriptives rouge for lips. And orange pop. And of course, Tutti Frutti. I just wanted to say all hail the original that made you sticky, goopy and delicious. Kissing potion.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Boy, that felt like you had a rollerball of just goop.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Put it on your face. Put your skates on.

[C]

So viscous.

[B]

Very viscous.

[C]

Softer skin steps. Why is everything on this page a tongue twister? This is the little blurb where they say the folks at Olio Oil of Olay swear you should always smooth on moisturizer with your ring finger to ensure a light touch that won't needlessly stretch or stress your delicate skin. And also pat it, don't smear it, because that's how you actually get it to go in. And the ring finger tip Is like the splash your face 20 times tip, where it's just like one of those things you read once. You're like, oh, of course. And then it's just in your mind for the rest of your life, forever.

[B]

Just dap, dap, dapping.

[C]

That's the experience of reading this magazine again later in life is to really remember where all of this initially came from.

[D]

Supernatural lashes, Maybelline's new perfectly natural mascara comes in, you guessed it, perfectly natural colors, including three shades of black, very black, brownish black, and soft black. What's soft black here?

[C]

Dark gray.

[D]

Let's call it charcoal.

[C]

I didn't name it. I'm just telling you.

[D]

Sounds like the color is getting pushed around, bullied a lot.

[C]

Yeah, probably is.

[D]

I like it.

[B]

What about soft brown? You don't have a problem with soft brown, Just soft black.

[D]

Yeah, soft brown is what?

[C]

Soft brown is what you're aiming for if you're getting enough fiber. Like Dave when he kind of.

[B]

Oh, it's natural. It's natural. Ready? Are we ready for some ads?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, here we go. JoLynn. JoLynn. JoLynnn Jo. It's probably the only reason I clicked it, but no, here it is. Oh. So on the other side of say what is just two Saturday Night Live characters, both played by Kristen Wiig going forward.

[C]

Oh, I was going to say one is Kristen Wiig and the other is Nora Dunne.

[B]

Yeah, sure, sure. That is Nora Dunn with the cup. The oldest ladies ever are having a chat on the pages of Sassy about what is. What is cholin.

[D]

Can you describe what it is? One word at a time. Slowly.

[B]

What do you mean?

[D]

Well, what is jolin? Slowly, slowly. One word at a time.

[B]

It's right in the box. Bleach.

[D]

Oh, you it up. All right.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[D]

All right, let's do that again. Describe what it is one word at a time, according to the box.

[C]

Oh, okay. I see.

[B]

Light the box.

[D]

No, no, never mind.

[B]

I wasn't.

[D]

Never mind. Forget it. Moments passed.

[C]

Okay, what were you trying to make us?

[D]

I wanted you to say cream. I was gonna go yum. And then bleach.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[D]

I can leave all this in now to see the comedy opportunity that's been wasted here because you guys couldn't read a fucking box.

[C]

Okay. Sometimes you ask us real questions and expect us to answer. Like, for example, what? Soft black. So I didn't know just in 2 of the difference.

[B]

Just go tutti. Fruit of your face.

[D]

Yeah, fruit of your face.

[B]

So what is it? So the other lady leans In. And she goes, it's a bleach that lightens hair on your face, arms, body, anywhere you need paling, paling. And then the other goes, does it really work? And she's like, of course. And it's easy to use. And then they show a picture of the box for Jolyn Cream bleach. Then it says, lightens excess dark hair. So I don't know how it knows. Well, and then it says, it's.

[C]

I think that's its way of saying, please don't put us on your tubes.

[D]

That's the secret of it. It does judgment calls.

[B]

Even easier to recognize for the store nearest you write or call, which is very quaint. Anyway, just these old bitties over here talking about, like, did you get this at Target? It's a bleach wherever you need paling, paling.

[D]

It was really nice of you to put out this small vase with free flowers in it for our afternoon tea. Oh, biscuits. Who would have buy one?

[B]

Yes. Her sewing tin. And then I don't know what's on the side over there. Who knows? A box of.

[D]

I think it's more of those silencers from the 40s. Bam. These. These gals were in the war. They each killed at least three Nazis.

[B]

Are you saying, Tara, you would not put this on pubes.

[D]

Pubes.

[B]

Pubes.

[D]

Would you put bleach on pubes?

[C]

Do you mean, would one do it or would I do it?

[B]

Well, you said it's important not to. They mean don't put it on your. You. I think you said your pubic hair.

[C]

Yeah, no, I said pubes. I don't think you're supposed to. Do you use it on your pubes?

[B]

Oh, you're right. I just went to the website.

[D]

It says in big block letters at the top in red, don't use on your pubes.

[B]

Pam does. It does. But it also wants you to know that they now have an easy mix cup, which sounds grosser than I'm sure it is. No drip. Listen, it's true. It says. It says it right here. Note in all caps, it is not for use on pubic hair.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

No, because it would get on your skin. That's sensitive. That's a sensitive area. Your vagina. Yeah. I mean, it's your vulva technically, but.

[B]

Yes. I didn't know. I didn't know.

[C]

Aunt Gladys. Get out of here.

[B]

For some reason, it lets you do it on your eyebrows. That seems dangerous. That's real close to your eyes. So who knows?

[C]

Well, I was going to say I was about to Say they let you put wax there, but they let you put wax in the pubes too.

[D]

Well, they're the vagina.

[C]

Next.

[B]

Talk about a soft brown.

[C]

Get yourself together and still got to eat dinner. God. Oh, that's not getting yourself together. It's getting yourself apart. All right, proceed.

[B]

You're next. Proceed, proceed.

[D]

Pages 12, 13.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

What is it? Oh, yeah. Pages 12 and 13 are for L' Oreal root boost. Root Boost. And Toony Fruity Uniquely Mega Spritz Spray. I don't know really what. I don't really know what this product does. I just want to bring up the fact that this lady's hair is really fucked up.

[C]

It's so tall.

[D]

What is going on?

[B]

She's got a lion's mane.

[D]

She has a bunt cake over her head like a crown.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

She's auditioning to be in, like, the touring company of the B52s with this hair.

[D]

And look at her face. She's so smug about it, too, lady.

[B]

She's pretty smug. She got some Root Boost and boogie in her head. She.

[C]

These are the last days of having this hair. That's the 90s are come. Gonna hit her hard with everyone having flat grunge hair instead.

[B]

Oh, and they also decided to just go with every pitch for the copy here. Every pitch is in. Only Mega Spritz knows how root boast it. Put hold right where lift starts at the roots. Reroute those roots up and out, and the lift goes with the flow. Create the latest high styles. Make upsweet up hold studio lines. Mega Spritz makes you the tops. Just do it.

[C]

All of them.

[B]

We're not picking one. We can't choose.

[C]

I also don't think you can bend like this. I'm trying to do her pose with my shoulder around. Does not.

[D]

No.

[B]

That is too far. That is too far.

[C]

It looks dark.

[D]

That's a prop shoulder.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

They brought in a property.

[B]

All right, let's get into the 9,000 pages of bandesole. But this first one, page 22, first.

[D]

Of all, French quiz. What does that mean, Pam?

[B]

The sun's.

[C]

Do you want me to tell you?

[D]

No, let her answer first.

[B]

Let me answer. Let me try. Let me try. It's Bane de Soleil. It's not getting rid of the sun. Right, because it says bandesole or ban the sun. But they don't mean. This means ban the sun. They mean you use bandesole or you're banning the sun.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Is it a blanket?

[C]

Sunbathe is bath.

[B]

Oh, so it's just a sun bath.

[C]

So it's. Yes.

[B]

Bathe in the suntan lotion for your sun.

[D]

We all learned something today.

[C]

We did Bath of sun.

[B]

So sunbathe here they have SPFs up to four.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

So it's either buy this product, which, by the way, you can see is just. It's oil. Suntan oil.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's not sunscreen. Or, you know, just. Just put milk on you. Why not?

[B]

A couple pages later. Banda Soleil says ordinary sunscreens claim waterproof protection for only 80 minutes. Bandesoleil Sport Lotion lasts six hours. It sure does not SPF. It sure does not. And it has an SPF of 15.

[C]

No, no.

[D]

Does this contain PABA?

[C]

Probably.

[D]

No. It says Papa Free at the bottom. I don't know what that is. Oh, something like parabens.

[C]

Maybe that's what people were worried about before PBAs.

[B]

Papa is Baba.

[D]

Can you hear me?

[C]

Papa Ganoush. Delicious dish.

[B]

I don't think I'm gonna look anything up now that I have accidentally went into, like, big plastic and told everyone that plastic bags are bad.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

And we're still sorting out that lawsuit.

[C]

From page 33 to 36. And if you didn't have the physical issue, you might not know this is a special advertising section where the pages are, like, a different size, they're slightly smaller to set them apart, and on a different paper stock. But this is all Kmart outfits starring Miss Teenage America, Elizabeth Knuckles. You may have seen her in the Sonic the Hedgehog movies. Just kidding. This is different. Elizabeth Knuckles.

[D]

Well, you don't like the Kmart, we're gonna have to send Liz Knuckles after you.

[C]

The problem with this, and they are trying. They are really trying. But every single one of these. If you didn't know it was a Kmart ad, you would still know it was a Kmart ad, because all of these look like they're from Kmart. And that's not to say that you have to spend a lot of money to look cute. You don't. But there are ways to mix and match this stuff that makes it look less cheap and shitty. And they haven't. They've just. Just put everything everywhere instead of trying to have a proper stylist on here.

[D]

Speaking about shitty, what about that first photo?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. She tried to take a dump in the crick.

[C]

Yeah. At least they seem to have sent her somewhere nice.

[D]

You know, Tropical crick.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Maybe she went. Maybe she also went to Guadalajara.

[D]

Yeah, maybe it's like that song Shit in Paradise.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The outfits on page 36 are just my nightmare. It's just what my mom would have bought me saying, this is. This was what you guys like, right? Like the shoulder pads and then the. The trim on the T shirt.

[C]

Yep. The tiny floral print.

[B]

These shoes in particular, always.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

These shoes have such dirty feet in them. It's just dirt collectors. And then you take it off, and you have this pattern on your foot.

[C]

Yep. And the white stays white for about three hours.

[D]

Can I. Can I tell you something about Pam? I mean, not about Pam, but about me and Pam's relationship. Whenever I meet Pam in real life, I take a moment and I look down to see if I'm wearing sandals or not. And if I am wearing sandals, I change into shoes because Pam hates seeing people's feet.

[B]

It's not true. I just think it's irresponsible. I think it's a dangerous thing you're doing with yourself by walking out with your foot exposed. In these major cities, you know, they take these shoes off, and then they climb on your bed because that's all you have in your room when you're hanging out. You have your bed, and then they're in there with their dirty toes up in your.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, wanted to let everyone know, in case they were getting ready to call the sassy hotline, that they do have some new rules because people were calling, and so now they limit two calls per week. And you got to get your parents permission before you call. I don't know how they can.

[D]

What happened?

[B]

Track that.

[D]

What happened? Somebody.

[B]

We're calling. Too many times. Somebody called because they are like, just call. I mean, it is. This one really can keep you for, like, 15, 20 minutes with all the things they're offering here, where you can listen to some gossip, you can take some quizzes, you can get a horoscope. You can leave us just a long message for help or whatever, and you can just talk about anything.

[D]

Start of. That really sounded like the continuation of Papa, can you hear me?

[C]

Yes, dude. You can leave a message.

[B]

All right, moving on to better things. It's a towel. It's a sack.

[C]

This also sounds like an insult on the level of tutti frutti. Your face.

[D]

She's a real sack towel.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You know what I mean? It's all towel except for her sack.

[B]

It's a towel. It's a sack. You're both wrong. It's a sea sack. Oversized beach towel made of quality terry velour pulls up easily into a beach bag. Be cool by the pool. Have Fun in the son with csac, patent pending.

[D]

Lady Bendles.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

A towel with some strings on it you can just lay down and then you can zip it up for a mere $25 plus $2.

[D]

That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. Now for that piece of. Never mind. 91.

[B]

Jesus. Oh my God. Look at the lady holding the sea sack. Yeah, she's. This is so sad.

[C]

Look at this beagle underneath it judging you.

[B]

Yeah, it's true.

[C]

Sharon, why did you spend all that money on this piece of crap?

[B]

Oh, God. If every week we were only doing these ads in the get it in the mail section. I'd be just fine with that underneath Boyfriend wrap, which I could just do again if you wanted. We have the picture, this deco photo pin. Now just do yourselves a favor. If you don't use the visual aids all that often. Here is one. Because on the left we have a trapped soul that we were supposed to save for $8 back in 1991. Yes, her name is Rose or Emerald. I don't know.

[C]

This is 100% a. A trap soul. This is an enchanted object from a Julio Torres project.

[D]

I. My first thought was yeah, something like that is something from that movie the Cell with the. Or it is a priestess from the Dune universe.

[C]

It also in a way reminds me of the laughing baby son from Teletubby because it's not enough like rest of the head.

[B]

And then the couple on the right are the villains of Superman. There's flinging away.

[D]

Yes, they're headed to the Phantom Zone.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Their names are Gray or Emerald.

[D]

And kneel before gray. Remember that famous line.

[C]

I've blown it up so much that I'm sure this is like Stephanie Kramer and Larry Hagman in this. In this frame, please.

[D]

Let's just make. Make that canon. Okay.

[B]

You add a dollar for shipping to Zinbar Inc. That sounds so legit. Don't worry. Send your soul to Zinbar Inc. In Woodstock, N.Y. oh my gosh.

[C]

Zinbar Inc. Is now a generated AI brand on Amazon for sure. That's trying to sell you like closet organizers.

[B]

Be careful turning the page because here on page 80, coming at you on the phone. Vanilla Ice. Sassy. Girls. You know how much you wanted to call the Vanilla Ice hotline and hear secrets in his own voice? Nobody's hotter than the Iceman. And. And everyone wants to know his thoughts and secrets. He'll give you the whole quote straight up. Find out how the Iceman is living with an a little apostrophe where he's touring with a G and what he wants only you to know. You can also send in your own personal message. There's a different cold kick in apostrophe message every day. What you hear is strictly between you and the Iceman. So check it out. Ice age is here and vanilla is flowing smooth on your phone. Call is under 18. Get your parents permission before calling. Call cost $2aminute maximum call 2 minutes starting April 5, 1991.

[D]

So call as many times as you.

[B]

Want by phone programs. USA AT&T is not a sponsor. And I was like, that's an interesting addition that AT and T was like, just keep us out of it.

[C]

I'm glad that you read this properly that he's living and he's also touring. Because touring, living and kicking, that's when it's ice time. Touring is serious business. And we're going to use the proper.

[D]

Term, but proper, that's MC Hammer.

[C]

That's right.

[D]

Just not to confuse people.

[C]

I also like that it's vanilla is flowing smooth. Vanilla doesn't flow. It's a bean. You mean vanilla extract is flowing smooth on your phone.

[D]

The ice age is here and vanilla bean never been better. Thank you.

[C]

Yep. You nailed it.

[D]

Nailed it.

[C]

This next page.

[B]

The next page has a terrible drawing. This illustration makes me uncomfortable. And it's for a thing I did not remember. Which are the Pro Set super cards they tried to sell us on of what if we had trading cards for bands and singers and it says this Beats Stamp collecting dudes. And then it's that script that they thought made us, you know, like. Like they were really chatting with us. So if you're ready to rock, try Pro Set Superstars Music cards. The only music cards with your favorite pop, rap, hall of Fame heroes.

[D]

Music cards or music cards.

[C]

Music.

[B]

I think they may be musicards.

[D]

Yeah, Music cards.

[B]

Yeah. And then you can get a free poster pack of Pro Set Superstars Musicures and a copy of the Pro Set Gazette for three bucks postage and handling. So this thing was in Dallas.

[D]

Who do we have here? I see MC Hammer, because I can tell it's proper.

[C]

I think that's Lita Ford.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

And then I think that's Janet Jackson in the back.

[B]

It also, you can see it says Janet.

[D]

Oh, yeah, look at that.

[C]

Words, words.

[B]

I found a website where someone is going through his entire collection on a blog. And the these things were like, they really thought this was going to take off, but it did not take off. And then they had like some controversy about One of them, some of them being printed all wrong, but they were normally doing, like wrestling and sports teams for these cards. And then they thought, what if kids were super into trading cards?

[C]

I'm pretty sure this is an illustration by Philip Burke. All of the sort of caricatures of the various artists they were talking about in Rolling Stone magazine, for example. So it's either him or someone ripping him off. And I hope he made a lot of money for this ad, even though Pam doesn't like it.

[B]

Well, listen, caricatures make me uncomfortable in an R Crumb way.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

So that's all that's going on here. Like, this is not a dude. I shouldn't be in his room. Like, look at him. I shouldn't be in this room. His bed's disgusting. He's trying to show me some cards. He does have shoes on and his skateboard in his room. Like, I don't. This kid is selling. Those are drugs. First thing I would ask is, in the music cards, do I lick them? Are they drugs?

[D]

Is that supposed to be his bed in the corner?

[B]

I think so, yeah.

[D]

Okay, what's on the bed, do you think? Because it looks like it might be some viscera from inside your body.

[B]

This is why I'm uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable.

[C]

This is why I make our bed every day.

[D]

So that it's my girlfriend Intestines.

[B]

Just keep turning pages because now on 82, we have a guide. Two guys. That's the number two. So don't. Don't try to understand. This is a guide. Two guys. Like two girls. One cup. Who is your ideal guy? Find out who your perfect date would be with this call. How do you tell if a guy really likes you? Don't miss out. Call and find out. How good are you at kissing a guy? Find out if you've cool kisses now What? Find out if you've cool kisses now. Cool spilled with a K. I don't know how they're going to test you for this on a 900 number. And how do you get that guy you want. Find out how you get a guy to like you. Everything you want to know but have never dared to ask cost 99 cents a minute. If you're under 13, please ask your parents before you call. These are four different 900 numbers for.

[C]

These four specific questions.

[B]

So if you want Find out if you've cool kisses. 1, 905, 3 5.

[D]

What I don't understand is why is there's two lesbians at the top of this ad.

[B]

That's right. These are Two. These are two ladies in love.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Maybe it's a guide to the guys. That's what the two. The other two is for.

[D]

Okay. All right.

[B]

I don't know.

[D]

All I know is cool kisses now, Pam.

[B]

Yeah, I've really cool kissed it.

[C]

Diary is written in the style of a letter to Ann B. Who is out on mat leave. There's a little picture inset with our first sassy baby next to an answering machine next to an answer taking his calls. Yep.

[D]

Baby.

[C]

Can you write down my messages for me? Then there's this whole thing about in the P.S. a very surprising number of readers seem to think I Jane lied about getting a nose ring and want visual proof. Well, after wasting two rolls of Polaroids. Tragic. Just to find that it doesn't really show up in pictures. Neil and I thought of substituting his earring, which is bigger, but he wasn't wearing it that day. So I colored the silver nose ring black with a magic marker. And when it still wasn't visible, Neil got frustrated and scratched it onto the photo. You see here what we go through just to tell the truth? That's not the truth. You are faking the news. Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. I'm Will McAvoy from the Newsroom yelling at you for violating journalistic standards. It does look cute. I mean, I assume it's. This approximates what the nose ring looks like. It suits her, I think.

[B]

Further down on the masthead, it says that Amy Turner is the current art goddess. So I screenshot that and sent it over to her too early the morning, and she was like, I should probably put that back on my CV.

[C]

Yep. Next time it's the 1991 slumber party. We'll be sharing our results from the latest quiz. Are you a big fat boar? You can take this quiz now, too, unless you're boring. It's in this episode's visual aids, so call us about that or anything else that's on you your mind. For my plug this week, for no particular reason, I just want to remind everyone it is important if you value independent media to support it, you should support your local newspaper. Unless they're owned by a big conglomerate, I guess. Seek out independent sources of news and other.

[D]

What about the guy in your neighborhood that does the really weird conspiracy newsletter every month?

[C]

I mean, throw him a bun.

[D]

Throw them a bone. I. I agree. Good for him. He knows where milk comes from.

[C]

Not hurting anyone. He's probably hurting people.

[D]

I didn't know that about milk.

[B]

Speaking of big fat things. It's Fat Bear Week. Now this if you're a supporter of Listen to Sassy, you will get this on time in time to vote for your favorite fat bear this [e-mail] FatBearWeek if you're getting it in the normal drop, just set your calendar for next year. It's the most wonderful time of the year. It's Fat Bear Week. Get in on it.

[D]

I haven't looked at the page yet, but if there's a bear called Cody Yak, I'm voting for him. All right, you can support this podcast. It's $5 a month. Get stuff.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You can also call us. Our hotline is 7:20. Sassy. Go leave us a voicemail about the show or the magazine and we may play it on a future episode. You can find out more information about the podcast, links to those visual aids. Go Save that soul from 1991. It's not too late. And contact info for all of us at listen to sassy.com thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time.

[D]

Bye.

[B]

Bye. Bye.