November 1990 Fashion Etc.: Hair School, A Witch & Brown Squats

Summary

Podcast Summary: November 1990 Fashion Etc.: Hair School, A Witch & Brown Squats

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s takes listeners back to the vibrant era of Sassy magazine, celebrating its influence on Gen-X teens between 1988 and 1994. In the November 1990 episode titled "Fashion Etc.: Hair School, A Witch & Brown Squats," hosts Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole delve deep into the magazine's 80th issue, dissecting its fashion trends, beauty features, advertisements, and reader interactions. This episode offers a nostalgic yet critical examination of the magazine's content, providing insights into the cultural and social nuances of the early '90s.

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1. Fashion Highlights

The episode kicks off with a discussion on the cover of the November 1990 issue, featuring Frederic van der Waal's "COVID of Cosmo." The hosts comment on the emerging fashion trends of the time, such as downward hemlines, oversized jewelry, and embellished jackets over tights. Tara humorously remarks, "Hemlines are moving downward... without looking like the Kool Aid Man" (00:09).

Cover Model Critique: Pam shares her mixed feelings about the cover model, Kim (preferably called Kimmy), a 16-year-old aspiring graphic artist. "She's just a 16-year-old living in Los Angeles... no last names on these models," Pam notes (06:53). The group laments the lack of diversity and the high-fashion aesthetics that made the models appear unattainable for the average reader.

Feature Stories:

• "Coatings" (Page 63): Tara expresses her disdain for the feature titled "Coatings," which focuses on coats. "It's about coats, but what's awful... brown squatting, brown kicking, brown tequila ing," she criticizes (08:13). The hosts mock the monotonous brown theme, highlighting its lack of creativity.

• "Wicked" (Page 72-73): The hosts delve into the "Wicked" feature, spotlighting witchy fashion looks. "It's way gothier than Madonna," Tara observes (12:17). They discuss the exaggerated goth elements, such as bat wings and spider webs, comparing them unfavorably to more mainstream styles.

Nail Trends: Pam discusses the popular short, squared-off nails in deep dark shades, drawing parallels to iconic styles from Madonna's "Dick Tracy" era and Audrey in "Twin Peaks." "It's the best nail," she praises, despite the frequent miscommunications with nail salons (23:54).

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2. Beauty Features

"I Was a Beauty School Dropout": Mary Clark, Sassy's beauty editor, is the focal point of this feature. Tara describes Clark's journey to LA's Vidal Sassoon School of Cosmetology with a playful critique: "She writes it like she's keeping diary entries... just bitchy enough that she probably fit right in" (15:00). The hosts appreciate Clark's honest portrayal of the challenges in becoming a licensed stylist, including the grueling hours and the physical toll, exemplified by Tara's anecdote about her mother developing a nose injury from perms (17:05).

Hair Care Discussions: The conversation shifts to personal hair care routines. Tara shares her struggles with tangles, especially with her active child, emphasizing the importance of conditioner and proper combing techniques (18:55). Pam humorously boasts about her tangle-free hair, attributing it to her natural hair texture: "My hair is like fishing wire. It's really thick and strong" (20:11).

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3. Advertisements Analysis

The hosts provide a critical analysis of various advertisements featured in the November 1990 issue:

• Jordache Basics (Page 2-3): Tara and Pam mock the ad's portrayal of a perimenopausal woman at 32 years old, wearing what Pam describes as “the most hideous thing I’ve seen this week” (28:18). They critique the questionable fashion choices and the unrealistic depiction of age-related styles.

• Noxzema (Page 6): The group lambasts the mean-spirited tone of the Noxzema ad, which suggests that if your skin is "too blotchy, too sensitive, too oily," it's not worth fixing. "That's so mean," Tara exclaims (29:13). They highlight the ad's negative messaging and lack of genuine skincare solutions.

• Loving the ABC Daytime Soap Opera (Page 35): Discussing an ad featuring actors Rio and Rocky under a hot pink umbrella, Tara humorously speculates whether it represents "love at first sight" or "enemies to lovers." "I've heard people who are married to people who were on it," she adds, referencing Rena Sofer’s later fame (30:49).

• Flame Glow Nail Polish (Page 72-73): Tara and Dave ridicule the depiction of nail polish where goldfish appear to drink the polish, commenting on the bizarre and unappealing imagery (33:07).

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4. Reader Letters and Feedback

The episode features a segment on letters from Sassy magazine readers, where the hosts read and react to various submissions:

• Puppy Mill vs. Pet Stores: Pam reads a letter defending pet stores and dismissing concerns about puppy mills. The hosts critique the letter's misguided logic and lack of empathy, with Dave sarcastically summarizing, "You tell them, Tara. No, no one is writing in to say they approve of senseless killing." (39:35).

• Beauty Stereotypes: Tara shares Rachel from Philadelphia’s letter challenging the stereotype that models are unintelligent. Rachel’s assertive stance, “Don't print your prejudice,” is lauded by the hosts, though Dave pokes fun at the underlying implications (40:37).

• Sorority vs. Gangs Parallel: Pam discusses letters critiquing Christina's comparison of gangs and sororities. The hosts highlight the flawed analogy and applaud the expressions against senseless violence (40:45).

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5. Sassy Club and Promotions

The hosts explore the "Sassy Club" section, which focuses on community events and sustainability initiatives:

• Event Promotion: Pam describes a Sassy-hosted weekend party at the A and S Plaza, featuring sing-alongs, fashion shows, beauty makeovers, and dance demonstrations. Tara nostalgically wishes she had attended the karaoke contests, reminiscing about their personal attempts with recording devices and theme parks (34:54).

• Recycling Initiatives: The episode critiques the "Sassy to Recycle" initiative, mocking the cheap and impractical merchandise such as tote bags, mugs, and frisbees with the unappealing *"It's Sassy to Recycle"_ logo (38:44). The hosts express disappointment over the decline in the quality and innovation of Sassy Club offerings, lamenting its shift from a once-engaging platform to repetitive and uninspired content (39:03).

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6. Product Innovations and Trends

Perfume Applicator (La Son Laughs): Tara introduces a new perfume gadget resembling a stylus, which absorbs and dispenses fragrances. The hosts humorously critique the design, likening it to sexual gadgets and expressing skepticism about its functionality (21:54).

Teen Spirit Antiperspirant Deodorant: A humorous take on the "Teen Spirit" deodorant, Tara and Pam discuss their aversion to the product despite its marketing efforts. Pam quips about never using it, while Tara reflects on her transition from antiperspirants to all-deodorant routines to avoid health concerns like Alzheimer's (25:00).

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7. Personal Anecdotes and Humor

Throughout the episode, the hosts interweave personal stories and lighthearted banter:

• Lost Tampons: Pam shares a relatable mishap about forgetting to remove a tampon after inserting a new one, leading to humorous nicknames like "The Relentless" (36:55).

• Slide Whistle Antics: Dave's acquisition and Tara's disapproval of a slide whistle add a playful dynamic to the conversation, highlighting their close-knit camaraderie and penchant for teasing (30:52).

• Nostalgic References: The hosts fondly recall past experiences with fashion, beauty routines, and magazine culture, creating a rich tapestry of '90s nostalgia for listeners (35:06).

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Conclusion

The November 1990 episode of Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s offers a comprehensive and entertaining exploration of Sassy magazine's influence on '90s teen culture. Through sharp critiques, humorous anecdotes, and insightful discussions, Tara, Pam, and Dave provide listeners with a captivating journey back to a pivotal moment in youth media history. Whether reminiscing about fashion faux pas, dissecting beauty standards, or mocking outdated advertisements, the hosts ensure that both longtime fans and new audiences gain a deep appreciation for Sassy's legacy.

Notable Quotes:

• Tara on Hemlines: "Hemlines are moving downward... without looking like the Kool Aid Man." (00:09)
• Pam on Cover Models: "She's just a 16-year-old living in Los Angeles... no last names on these models." (06:53)
• Tara on "Coatings": "I hate that it's called coatings. It's about coats." (08:36)
• Pam on Hair Tangles: "My hair is like fishing wire. It's really thick and strong." (20:11)
• Tara on Noxzema Ad: "That's so mean." (29:13)
• Rachel’s Letter: "Don't print your prejudice." (42:08)

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This detailed summary captures the essence of the podcast episode, highlighting key discussions, insights, and the hosts' unique perspectives on Sassy magazine's November 1990 issue. Whether you're a seasoned fan or new to the series, this episode offers a nostalgic and critical lens into the fashion and culture of the early '90s.

Transcript

[Tara]

You know, after today, we're never gonna be the same again. Jordache Basics.

[Pam]

It's not the end of the world. I'm only going to college. Oh, come on.

[Tara]

We both know what's gonna happen. They're gonna change. Look, you could go too. It's not like you don't have the grades. Oh. Oh, sure. Four more years of school, right? Well, no, thanks. I really hope you realize what you're doing. I hope you do. It is November of 1990. Frederic van der Waal is on the COVID of Cosmo. Hemlines are moving downward. Oversized jewelry is trending. And embellished jackets over tights is a look you wish you could pull off without looking like the Kool Aid Man. But you don't care too much about all of that because there once was a girl named Mazursky. She realized one day she was thirsty. She cried quite a bit on a spot where we shit, then made me write this apology poem because that cunt's truly the worstie. I mean, fuck this. You didn't even mean for it to leave your house. Why aren't we punishing the boy who invaded your privacy? Gah. Yep, Bucket. She's not worth your literary genius. Speaking of jeans on us, let's look at the fashion in the latest issue of the magazine. Sharon wishes she was cool enough to own. Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy.

[Pam]

Oh, Sharon, Sharon, Sharon. I can't decide if that commercial that we heard the clip from Up Top is pro or anti. College.

[Tara]

Four more years.

[Pam]

I mean, you hear it and you're like, he's got a point. You know, it's rigged at a point.

[Tara]

He's saving money. He's making money by not going to college.

[Pam]

That's right. Before we get into this issue, Pam, should we discuss the cologne that we have both acquired the fragrance since the last time it came up.

[Tara]

Yeah, I wasn't sure if we were saving it for the next slumber party, because that's when we got, I would say, roped into purchasing more colors. In my case, way more colors than one intended, but we did. I'm a proud owner of the latest colors for her.

[Dave]

Looks like the holy hand grenade from Monty Python.

[Pam]

It does kind of look like that.

[Tara]

It's weapon y. This is thanks to Tara, who treats me well.

[Pam]

And I got one for myself as well. This is the rose scent. It really is not the same as the sample or what we remember, which is hard coded into our brains and our olfactory receptors, but it's nice.

[Tara]

It's in there? Yeah, it's in there with like baby powder ish on top of it, which. Exactly. So it is how I smelled in high school. Those things rubbed against me with baby powder coating to try to keep it on my skin as long as possible. But what I ended up doing was going through Amazon which said with the colors packaging like she was saying, and it was like, we'll send it to you or perfumers direct or something. I do know the name. I'm keeping it away from. I'm not doxxing them, even though this is who you should dox. But the point is, this thing arrived and it was so smelly, it was so wrong that the box, like before I opened, I was like, something terrible is going on here. And then I opened it up and it said colors. And I thought I went back to Amazon. It said, hasn't shipped yet. So I was like, oh, Tara sent me colors. That was very sweet. This is horrible. And I don't know what to do. And then she was like, I did send it, but not that this thing smells like revenge. So anyway, I'm in the process of getting my money back and I. Although it said it was arriving from. Oh, Penny whistle lover won't you walk on by.

[Pam]

Everyone's been doing a little online shopping.

[Tara]

He got it at Temu, So it cost 38 cents and it's giving him forever chemicals of the face Mobid that.

[Dave]

Gives click perfectly well after you've met.

[Pam]

Is it. Is it from Teemu?

[Dave]

It's from Amazon.

[Pam]

Oh. Well, I also had a tragic story before, the one that worked out, which is I ordered. I ordered a version of Colors Cologne that turned out to be coming from a retailer again, I didn't know in Lebanon. So when they went to try to fulfill the order, they were like, oh, we are legally barred by the international community from shipping to America.

[Tara]

So yeah, mine said it was coming from Turkey, so I couldn't initiate a return. I had to contact the vendor. The vendor was located in Arizona. So I'm a little confused how it gets away with saying, we're not your Arizona, we're the one that's in Turkey. But it wasn't because I sent that shit to Arizona. I sent it back waiting on $216. So who do we have to thank for this? Is it Megan? Yeah.

[Pam]

What is going on with the Benetton Corporation that it's so hard to buy their products? Like, I know the stores don't exist anym anymore, but like, if you have a website, why don't you have a store. It's so strange.

[Tara]

Yeah, yeah, that's right. We went to the Beneden website to learn about this perfume. And then you're on your own, kid.

[Pam]

Exactly. Anyway, enough about us. Let's talk about the November 1990 issue in terms of the fashion, starting with the COVID which is photographed by a person named Joe Hill. I did Google to try to find them. I assume it's a him. It's a Joe with an e. And I found a website for Joe Hill photography and an Instagram, and both of them look like they're, like, tantamount to pinup. It's a very different style than this cover, which is very, like, romantic and dreamy. Like, the COVID is sort of dark. It looks very sweet. It look. You know, looks like fall. And then when you go to his website, it's like cowgirls and chaps. Like, it's very different than this.

[Tara]

Ooh, look at this chick looking out the window in her underwear. Like, she's like, oh, it's. Is it warm out or just hot in here?

[Pam]

There's definitely a shot where I had to do a double take of, like, I don't know if that's cleavage from the chest or the butt. I eventually decided it was the butt, but it's underpants being pulled down. But just, like, a real tight peach close up of an ass.

[Tara]

It's like, it's a nice butt.

[Pam]

It is, absolutely.

[Tara]

But you know what's annoying about it? He put music to it, which is Black Betty, and I don't enjoy that at all. It's just a slideshow of a. Is that Black Betty?

[Pam]

I'm trying.

[Dave]

I don't know how to play it.

[Pam]

This is, like. It feels like. This is our podcast version of, like, the big hook that comes out at the Apollo. Like, this is what. When Dave thinks we're losing the audience, the slide whistle comes out. So our cover model is Kim. I don't think she was photographed by the guy whose website and Instagram I found. She's 16 at the time of this cover, lives in Los Angeles. She wants to be a graphic artist. No idea if she did, because whether she's Kim or, as she prefers to be called, Kimmy. No last names on these models. So unless you recognize them from wherever they ended up, like Amber Valletta, you're on your own. No doxing is possible for.

[Dave]

Sorry, Pam.

[Pam]

Very pretty lady.

[Dave]

Pam's so upset. Oh, she's so angry. How dare they? How dare they elude Pam.

[Tara]

Take away my freedom to lurk.

[Dave]

T shirt. T shirt. Freedom to lurk. Let us know if you want to buy a freedom to lurk shirt.

[Tara]

Lurking ain't cheating.

[Pam]

This is a right to lurk state.

[Tara]

Thank you. That's right. Texas. Texas is definitely a right to lurk state. Lurking and jerking.

[Dave]

That was the name of that photo. We couldn't tell if it was a bum or a boobs.

[Tara]

Oh, God. Fashion feature number one is called coatings. I hate it. I hate that it's called coatings. It's about coats.

[Pam]

Why do you hate that it's called coatings? Oh, because. Because it sounds gross.

[Tara]

Yeah, it does sound gross. It sounds like.

[Pam]

Fair enough.

[Tara]

You know, they're coats.

[Dave]

Throw some eggs on her and roll her up in some breadcrumbs.

[Tara]

Yes. Or just your cover. It's in that cover. The earth thing from Sherman Williams. Like anything that's coating. But what's awful, I didn't even notice the coatings because the. The dumb wig is back. The wig someone slept on and then kept in the backseat of their car. And then it' trunk and in the glove compartment, they're like, do we still have that wig? We have nothing out here. We have four seconds to film to. To shoot this girl with no shoes. Just a pair of tights, five coats. Only one color. Just brown. Put her brown running towards the coast. Brown squatting, brown kicking, brown tequila ing. And then. And then brown, cold, brown, sad, sad wig.

[Dave]

You know, between the wig and all these poses, I'm calling this one D Dolly farting.

[Tara]

Oh, we have all the brown.

[Pam]

I mean, as soon as you say brown squatting, that's all anyone could think of.

[Dave]

Anyway, there's not a photo here that isn't her either getting ready to drop a deuce or getting ready to fart.

[Tara]

She's moving some gas around.

[Dave]

That's all these photos are. She's got one pose, and that's. My stomach hurts.

[Tara]

I can think of a coating that would help. It's Pepto Bismol.

[Dave]

That's right.

[Tara]

Side note, do you know a lot of people thought that that's what the Pepto Bismol does? Like, it goes. You drink it, and then it kind of curls around stomach and coats your stomach.

[Pam]

Well, that's what the commercials show.

[Tara]

I know. Isn't that interesting? That's how much we believe what's on tv. That's all we knew.

[Pam]

Yeah. Anyway, I don't know if Contact C was a product in America. Does that mean anything to you, Pam? It does to Dave. Contact C is like an over the Counter cold medication. And their big thing was that the little pills, they were transparent, so you could see, like, little. Little pellets of medicine in them. And in the commercials, you put. They pulled them apart, and all the particles fell down and was very eye catching. And when I was old enough to stop just taking neocitron and start taking Contact C when I had a cold, I thought, that's what you did. I really made a mess because I was dumb. Old enough to take Contact C chronologically, maybe, not intellectually.

[Tara]

You opened the capsule to take the little individual, like nerds.

[Pam]

I thought you poured it in your hand. I swear to God. Because of how the. How the commercials were.

[Dave]

I'm dumb medicinal. Hundreds and thousands.

[Pam]

Yes, exactly. Anyway, I. I love a brown story, fashion wise, because I love a brown story.

[Dave]

It's going to. At the end of the show.

[Pam]

I know. I know as soon as I said it. Because, like, mostly I think fashion editors, like, if they had their druthers, whenever you see one, they're just wearing black. And so this is like their. This is their outreach to, like, try to bridge the gap between what normal people can get away with and what a fashion editor wants to do. And so, like, every 18 months, you'll see a fashion story in a magazine where it's like, y'all heard of brown? It's like black, but not as much. And that's what this quote story is.

[Dave]

Yeah. You know why she's in all these poses of distress? She's got the druthers.

[Tara]

Yeah. She came down with the case of the druthers because she didn't have any shoes on this cold day at the desert beach.

[Pam]

And you know what she's gonna need when she gets back to the hotel? Contact C. Yeah.

[Dave]

And congratulations, though, in the middle photo of all this spread. She's having a baby. So good. Good on her. The ultimate coding adventure. Motherhood.

[Pam]

God bless. Fashion feature number two is called Wicked. I mean, it's called Wicked. All of these are very witchy looks. In the copy, they are identified as, like, this witch or that witch. And it feels like someone fucked up. And this was supposed to be last month because it's November.

[Dave]

It feels like somebody found their Madonna cosplay box in the garage and thought, well, we'll do something with this.

[Pam]

Not even Madonna. This is like Susie sue or something. Like, it's. It's. It's way gothier than Madonna.

[Dave]

It's like Madonna meets Stevie Nicks or something.

[Pam]

Yes. At Halloween. Like, it's like Stevie Nicks, but make it Witchier than standard Stevie Nicks, which is, let's face it, pretty witchy. All of this is like, not for me at all. Like none of it was aspirational in any way. Sort of like flipped through this without even registering anything because I'm not gonna wear a leather corset. Sorry, I'm just. And I wouldn't have been. And I'm still not going to. But the last page is like a moon and stars skirt where it's like, oh, that might be cute. Can't see it. It's in motion. It's totally blurry. You can't even tell what's going on. Those could be fish for all I know. It's like it's impossible to parse what we're looking at.

[Tara]

It's. It's a lot of bat wings and spider webs and jewels on top of your gloves. You remember girls, when we go to.

[Dave]

School in gloves, are they bat wings? I know what you're talking about.

[Pam]

No, it looks, but it's more like cobwebs.

[Tara]

This one on page 63 where I guess the dangling. Yes, it's like the baby's here. The evil baby's here. I celebrate on my arms.

[Dave]

Yeah, it's like a Ford Model T parking lot. Instead of all the colored flags all over, you could get them in one color. As long as it's black. And that's what she's got hanging off her arms.

[Tara]

It's so she can start a race with her arms.

[Pam]

Uh huh.

[Tara]

It's caps of bandanas and it's smoky eyed spiral perm frizz. I know these girls. They don't dress like this on Halloween. They dress like this when it's not Halloween.

[Pam]

Of course.

[Tara]

And on Halloween they're like, I'll be busy. Yeah. It's catsuits and lace and it's really made for. I'm not going to say it's made for very thin people, but the way that this is styled makes it look like it's for very thin people. You can, you can wear all of this at any size. They're not making it look like there's any option for that though. No, they're not. There's no version of this that's like for your Kathy Najimi witch. These are all your Nicole Kidman witches.

[Pam]

It's Nicole Kidman or Sarah Jessica Parker for sure.

[Tara]

Yeah, yeah. Beauty feature number one is I was a beauty school dropout. Mary Clark wrote this. The photography. There's a picture at the top right. A book right next to the. I was a beauty school dropout. That looks like a picture Dave would send me while you guys were thrifting. Because it's a mannequin head who's been fucked over a number of ways. And this looks like Dave would be, like, still on for Thursday. And then just this picture. No context. The photographer here is Marcos Moreons. And the best I can tell, he is still at it, but that Marcus is with a U S. So who knows? This is an article about Mary Clark, who everybody loves. You know, singing beauty school dropout, but also thinking about being a hair stylist. And she's Sassy's beauty editor, but she was like, I don't know how to cut hair. So she got to go to LA's Vidal Sassoon School of Cosmetology, aka the Harvard of hair. We all know what we were doing this summer. We interned at the Harvard of hair. We were working at a Croton factory. But Mary Clark went and learned very quickly how to hold some scissors, how to dress for success, and what it takes to become a licensed stylist in the state of California. This was a fun article to read. She writes it like she's keeping diary entries. It's not necessary, but it's a fun way to do it. And it's just. Just bitchy enough that she probably fit right in. Like, you felt the vibe of the whole thing that they're all like, this is kind of bullshit that I have to put this many hours in in order to do a thing I know how to do. But if you're going here, you want to learn. You to say, I trained here. Not necessarily. Cause you need to learn what they're giving you. So I liked that all of that was sort of included and that the school did start with some sort of fame monologue of like, you think this is just gonna be trims and bangs. You're mistaken. Give up your friends. Give up your knuckles. Fuck your feet. Perms hurt.

[Pam]

Yeah, perms do hurt.

[Tara]

But it's true. That's why my mom had to stop being a cosmetologist, because the perms ate a hole in her nose and her nose started bleeding all the.

[Pam]

Oh, God.

[Tara]

She had to stop doing this job.

[Pam]

Oh, my God.

[Tara]

Mm.

[Pam]

Yeesh.

[Tara]

But these mannequin heads were, like, such a part of my life growing up. We had the suitcase. We had more than one kind of head. But yet, oddly, mom wouldn't get me the Barbie head to practice. She was like, we have these heads. And I'm like, well, it's not the same thing as the Barbie head where you put the makeup on. This makeup never leaves. She's like, these are the real heads. You'd have to crank it. Like how we crank our heads yetis to stay on the thing. That is what. That's how you put that. You can see it in Dave's picture.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Where it looks like. Where it looks like you open her up and there's candy inside. But you would have to crank those things to. And then you weren't really allowed to anyway. They weren't for playing. They were for learning. And they're no fun when you're six. They're heavy. They hurt. They're so hard.

[Pam]

They do look like they've all been dropped on their faces, for sure. There were a few details I loved. Like when she interviews one of the other students and says she's doing this because she knows she doesn't ever want to work in an office, which, like, a salon is an office with more chemicals and fewer seats. Like, a salon is basically an office. You're just doing hair in this office. But she also takes a sideswipe at contouring techniques. And, like, no one even does this anymore. Like. Well, it all came back around. Jokes on you. Contouring was just waiting to reemerge. Thank you, YouTube and TikTok for making people famous for their contouring tutorials. I would like to ask you. I'm not gonna ask Dave. Cause his hair is too short. Pam, when they go into the proper way to deal with a hair tangle. And maybe this is something that you had to do with your child, but, like, are you encountering wet hair tangles a lot? Is this something that, like, happens to you?

[Tara]

Yeah. Yeah. Me still yesterday, today, really. Particularly that my hair is kind of. As it gets thinner as I age, tangles happen. And it can be dry tangles in particular with my kid, because she's an active kid, teaching her to. And conditioner. And also combing when it's wet or, you know, not going to sleep with a wet head. All of these things will help you with tangles. Are you saying you don't. Well, you never comb or brush your hair.

[Pam]

I just, I. I do a. I comb to get the part, but other than that, I don't comb my hair. But I just, like, finger style it and it's never. It's never tangled. Sorry. This is a really stupid brag. It's not meant to be. I just was like, do people even get tangles anymore? Like, I thought this was a problem. That we solved with shampoo again. Now jokes on me.

[Tara]

When you get your hair cut, do they comb through your hair?

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Do they ever get a little tangled in there? I would ask. Maybe you just don't notice. Tangles aren't like. I refuse to think, oh no, it's just you. They still make detangler conditioners and stuff. Like it's all they do.

[Pam]

I'm sure it's not just you. I'm sure it's not just you. Yeah, I'm sure it's that my hair is like, as I've said before, it's like fishing wire. Like it's really thick and strong.

[Tara]

Tangles are so bad that it is like only recently I've had to even comment on my kid now in her almost 12th year, or I guess in her 12th year of life, that she isn't crying and yelling at me while we comb her hair or having to hold down her hand really hard to her roots so it doesn't hurt and she'll take a ponytail and all the things. Some of that has everything to do with the sport she plays. Now say you can't come here without a ponytail. And so she'll do it. But as of this past summer, it was still a fight because it hurts.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Got her one of those Mason whatever brushes.

[Pam]

Sure.

[Tara]

Said, look, this is a brush where you brush a hundred strokes a night and it's very special. And it's an heirloom brush that people pass down. She took it like I had handed her a scroll from Harry Potter school. And she brushes her hair. She says, I do 50 to 100 brushes a night. And like it really, it really does make your hair look prettier faster. I don't know how it's doing that. It can't just be the price. It can't just be the price, but it does like take a frizzy hair and make it tamed pret quickly. And that changed everything. Thank you, Sassy magazine, once again still helping the youth of today from the past embrace her self care routine.

[Pam]

Well, I loved this story for everything I learned, but also for getting to see a little bit more of Mary's personality because she, you know, she's usually a behind the scenes person. I don't know if she listens, but she definitely follows us on Instagram because she occasionally will like people she recognizes in our various posts and alerts them to come and look at this or that. So Mary, if you do listen, hi. Love this story. Story, you've got hair fever.

[Tara]

Face moving into about face, you guys. There's this new pen like gadget called La Son Laughs. It looks like a regular stilo, but when you, you dip the felt tip into your perfume, it absorbs the smell so you can carry it around for remote location. Fragrance freshen ups after two months of use, dip it again to renew the scent. You can buy the thing at JCPenney and a few other fine department stores. How cool is this? This is a cool idea. You can still get one on ebay. And then I learned like, oh, it's a thing. It's called a perfume applicator. And on Etsy people get real fancy making them like, my lord, like, like where you can dip at the Ren Faire. Your stone covered fragrance applicator, I assume for your patchouli and musk needs. But no deal.

[Dave]

You got one of them perfume dipping wands. That's like two perfume dipping wands.

[Pam]

Okay, here's the problem with looking at these Etsy results which we will link in the show notes. These all just look like vibrators. They look like secret vibrators that go in your purse. Sorry.

[Tara]

They are goopish. Yes. Or, or vape pens. If you told me this is what you smoke. Yeah, the applicator, now that you say it does look like. And then you take that little part, put it right here. Your vagina. Magic Dave. Yeah, it's just for you.

[Dave]

Sounds like Pam needs a slide whistle.

[Pam]

It does sound like Pam.

[Tara]

My own slide whistle, thank you very much. But these, if you look around at these vintage ones from the 80s and 90s, they look like you're going to open it up and see some sort of fancy lipstick. But instead you see this little soft, spongy thing that I guess will hold onto your scents for a while. And that's just neat because when you're traveling, I don't want to carry a big bottle. If I don't want to check a bag. What I do is buy samples and that costs more than one pen.

[Pam]

I'm suspicious that this works, but if they still make them, it must. It musk.

[Tara]

It musk. Good job.

[Pam]

A look we're liking now is short, neat, squared off nails polished up in deep dark shades a la Madonna in Dick Tracy and Audrey in Twin Peaks and me all the time. Except in the summer when it looks weird. This is exactly the nail I still do.

[Tara]

It's the best nail.

[Pam]

It's the best nail. And they never want to do it at the place. I always have to argue with them where they're like, first of all. They never want to cut them short enough. And that bothers me. And then I'm like, this shape. And they're like, are you sure? And then I always end up. Just not always. I often end up redoing them.

[Dave]

So wait, so you go to the nail place, they don't cut your nails right. They put the wrong polish on you, you redo it when you come back home?

[Pam]

No, no, no. They do the right polish. That's the shape. That's the problem.

[Dave]

I see.

[Tara]

How do you describe the shape that they won't do?

[Pam]

Nail, Like, I don't know, straight across? Square, Straight.

[Dave]

It's too complicated.

[Tara]

I do square round. I learned from my mom, the cosmetologist. And that's so you don't get ingrown nails.

[Pam]

Yes, yes.

[Tara]

So this sort of square, square. Sometimes they'll say no because that can grow into your skin.

[Pam]

Correct.

[Dave]

This guy's speaking secret code. Square, square, round, square. It's like you're playing this game assignment between yourselves. And I'm not invited.

[Tara]

So thank you. That's really what I was waiting on. Couldn't do it. Did you know that most girls start using deodorant when they're 11 and apply it on average of 11.7 times a week?

[Dave]

Yes, I knew that too. I know all these things. I know everything about deodorant. Ask me anything.

[Tara]

Why are people putting on deodorant an average of 11.7 times a week? Is it because of gym? Stinky?

[Pam]

That was my guess. Is that you reapply after gym class?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Menon's Lady Speedstick has introduced an antiperspirant deodorant just for you guys called Teen Spirit. Gag on that name. But the stuff really works. So besides launching our grunge gods, Teen Spirit was at first this just for girls deodorant that came in three different scents. California Breeze, Romantic Rose and Baby Powder Soft. All chosen by teenage sniffers. And one of those newfangled time release formulas so the effectiveness doesn't wear off after lunch or PE or anything. So anyway, Teen Spirit is still being made. It's in one fragrance now, the best I can tell, called Cute and Girly. And it says Teen Spirit Antiperspirant Deodorant. Pink Crush is a sassy fragrance that keeps up with the cute and girly side of you. Sorry, it's called Pink Crush. It's even worse. So anyway, it still deserves to have a Nirvana song mocking it.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

Did you ever wear Teen Spirit?

[Pam]

Did not.

[Tara]

I didn't even ask before I On it.

[Pam]

Even if I had, I wouldn't still. I mean, I hope I would.

[Dave]

Aged out. You aged out.

[Pam]

I aged out.

[Dave]

Crone spirits where you're at?

[Pam]

No, I used. I did use Lady Speed Stick, though.

[Dave]

What you didn't see is me rubbing my armpits.

[Tara]

No, they saw it. They saw it. Then I got super into arid. It came from a boy who used arid. And then there was, like, a powdery fragrance, so I stuck with a lot of that kind of baby powder. And then when Dove came out with the, like, moisturizer formula of deodorant.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

Did that for a while until I phased antiperspirants out of my life entirely about, I don't know, 15 years ago, 10 years ago, now, just deodorants.

[Pam]

Oh, I see.

[Tara]

Because I don't want the Alzheimer's.

[Pam]

Sure.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Well, no one wants it.

[Tara]

Yeah, no, nobody wants it. I don't mean I'm unique.

[Dave]

What about the people that have something to forget murder their whole first family?

[Tara]

What? Dave.

[Dave]

What about the guy that murdered his whole first family just wants to forget? Yes.

[Tara]

God.

[Dave]

Oh, my God. Oh, Cindy.

[Tara]

He still remembers Cindy.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Why'd he do it if he was gonna have so many regret?

[Dave]

Well, he didn't think he was gonna at the time, but now he does. He's just trying to forget.

[Tara]

He needs some journaling.

[Pam]

You can see more about it in the movie Misento.

[Tara]

Stupid. No, no, you take back that self. High five. You put it down.

[Pam]

Nope, you put that back at the.

[Tara]

End of the sentence.

[Dave]

Turkey, please. All right, let's move on.

[Pam]

Okay, we've got ads. The first ad I would like to talk about is for Jordache Basics, page two and three, a double page spread. Junior Apparel. They say even though the woman on the right is minimum 32 years old, she's perimenopausal. She really is. Is. And this onesie she's wearing, I guess it's like a cat suit, but it's sort of overall esque, but it also has a zipper on the side. It's the most hideous thing I've seen this week.

[Tara]

It's really neoprene. I think the pants, the purple pants are also neoprene.

[Dave]

The lady in the black, whatever. The DayGlo Magenta Undershirt is giving Sharon Stone and total recall energy.

[Tara]

On page six, we have an ad for Noxzema. I've just. Today I've covered it. I've pulled a couple of ads that I'm like, they're so mean. They're so Mean, no wonder our self image. So this is an ad for Noxzema. It's real close up on this girl's face from nose bridge to chin. And it says, he won't talk about a deep down clean. He'll just notice. So mean. So mean. Will he? No, he will not talk about it deep down clean. That's fine. I don't want him to. I'm not asking for that.

[Pam]

No. Unless the he is your facialist. He. He won't.

[Dave]

I was raised on zestfully clean ness. So yeah, I don't. I don't participate in this Noxzema stuff.

[Tara]

Thank you.

[Dave]

You're welcome.

[Tara]

Does a two page ad here on either side of the help section. But I just want to read the second side, which just says your skin may be too blotchy, too sensitive, too oily, too lizardy, too large poured, too olive, too ivory, too dry, or just too much like those NASA photos of the moon's surface, but with depth styling products. At least you can have your hair the way you want it. Oh my God, that's so mean. That's so mean.

[Pam]

Also, shots fired at the Noxzema ad where they're like, yeah, it's not even gonna work, so don't bother.

[Dave]

Oh, look at the pizza face. She's got nice hair. That's the ad campaign from Deb.

[Tara]

Remember Deb?

[Dave]

Pizza face. But she's got nice hair.

[Pam]

Page 35.

[Tara]

Did you guys listen to. Listen to Sassy? I did, but then there was this day when Dave got a slide whistle and then I couldn't ever listen to it ever again. Does he still. Oh yeah, no, he still does. They don't even do the direst entries anymore. It opens with Dave slide whistling the news from that month. And then he goes and finds Tara and Pam because they won't. They don't even do that part. I'm not even sure they've been in the same zoom for months.

[Pam]

On page 35. Got a Rio and Rocky in an ad for loving the ABC daytime soap opera. It says love at first sight in the caption. But these two very Italian looking people under this hot pink umbrella. I'm not sure it is love at first sight. This could be an enemies to lovers storyline because they are both side eyeing each other. Anyway. No one remembers loving probably except people who are married to people who were on it for a while. Hello to our fellow podcast co host Sarah Debunting, whose husband was when he was is still acting full time, but this is Rena Sofer. As Rocky or Rio. I'm not sure which is which. Honestly. She would go on to be in Melrose Place and the movie keeping the faith and guest shots on every sitcom you have ever seen in the 90s and early 2000s. Her eyebrows, I think are what we're all striving for. Even still today in this picture. The jeans less so.

[Tara]

The jeans are something I'd like to talk about which is the style is back in of a smuggler's gut. And I don't understand why this. Nobody needs that. The youngest people are walking around with the pooch and I don't. They don't. Why is it? Why I. I would. I like get upset when this is my actual body ever. Like I don't understand. I don't understand. Anyway, this is just for me to quietly correct Tara because it says love at first fight, but I try to avoid confrontation of all times.

[Pam]

Thank you. Thank you. My. It was pattern. Pattern recognition. I just saw those shapes of letters and I said it wrong. Wrong. Thank you for the correction.

[Tara]

We can go back to the. The pants and the mutual hate. No, no.

[Pam]

Make it worse. No, that's fine.

[Tara]

Don't make it worse.

[Dave]

Next up on page 72 and 73, we've got nail polish guys. It is Flame Glow super shine. And she's about to drink a goldfish. And am I supposed to buy nail polish from these people? They're monsters. No, thank you guys. From. From the company that makes this Revlon or something.

[Pam]

It doesn't even say Revlon. It just says Flame Glow. That's the company.

[Tara]

I guess they don't want to be a part of this monsters.

[Dave]

But look at that. Those two goldfish in there are about to meet their doom in the gaping maw of this very thirsty and hungry model.

[Tara]

Okay, so then we're going to turn the page to page 74 for a special sassy promotion. These are my favorite things. But this is express yourself at A and S Plaza with Sassy. If you live in the New York area, consider yourself charmed. If not, by all means, move. We're having a weekend long party at the A and S plaza on Friday, November 2nd through Sunday, November 4th. It's the absolute definition of a three ring circus. Check out what's happening. There's a your minute of fame sing along contest. There's a Ubu fashion show. There's Sassy beauty makeovers. There's a Sassy dance demonstration where dancers from the hottest clubs in the New York City area will vogue for you right here in the A and S Plaza. Not only that, they'll show you all the latest moves. So come on already, get involved. Saturday, November 3rd from 10 to 6, or Sunday, November 4th from noon to 6. Here's your chance to meet with various charity groups recruiting volunteers to help in a slew of causes. You said you wanted to do something. Now's the time to find out how. It's got something for everyone. Wow, what an exciting weekend. Mall time.

[Pam]

I'm sad you didn't get to go.

[Tara]

I'm really sad I didn't get to go. This one minute of Fame sing along contest. The winner goes home with a karaoke machine. I don't think I knew what karaoke was in 1990. And there were machines that I could.

[Pam]

Have had the heartbreak. You could have had a karaoke machine. Instead, you had an old beauty head. Head.

[Dave]

Pam still sang to it, though.

[Pam]

Well, Pam sang with it. She did ABBA duets with that other head.

[Tara]

Yeah. I had to use my dual cassette recorder to do anything close to this karaoke magic. I had to go to Six Flags. That's what I had to do. I go to Six Flags. I had to go to the recording booth. Queue up, girls, just want to have fun, grab some friends, sing and pay a lot of money for a cassette tape with Danger Zone on the other side.

[Pam]

Six Flags is exactly where I did that too. Six Flags Great America outside of Chicago on what? A band trip. And we did. You've lost that loving feeling because it was the year after Top Gun. People still had Righteous Brothers fever.

[Tara]

My sister and I did Danger Zone. We all had. We all did it on the back.

[Dave]

We have our last. On the back. We have our last ad. Pam back from Tampax. No, the tampon can't get lost. All you can lose are those diapers. Once you've inserted a tampon, you don't have to worry about it getting lost. Is this true? Have you ever lost a tampon, Guys? Six in, five out.

[Tara]

You can. Well, Tara, I would imagine this might happen to you occasionally in an oopsie.

[Pam]

I'm sure I've told this story before, but yes, that did happen to me. It didn't get lost. I just put another one in, forgetting to take the first one out.

[Dave]

Go. The other one ever come out? Is it still up there?

[Tara]

No, it's none of our.

[Pam]

I don't know, maybe.

[Dave]

Have you given it a ghost ship name? The Incorrigible.

[Pam]

The Relentless.

[Dave]

The Relentless. This string is sewn securely throughout the entire tampon of the Relentless. So it won't Come with place.

[Tara]

See, I would call mine like you name boats. It would be. No strings attached.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Oh, like, like pleasure boats. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Tara]

Mine is a pleasure boat. I've lost. I've lost it in there. But that's because the string can get all like whatever. And then all of a sudden you're like, dang it, I gotta go spelun.

[Pam]

We've been real down on Sassy Club lately. And rightly so, because it's been mostly reruns, even when they're like all new. And then there's something we definitely have seen before. But the first page of Sassy Club this month is themed. It's Sassy to recycle. They have books that you can learn about environmentalism there. You can buy like a seedling of a pine tree and then plant it it. And then there's a bunch of bullshit like a garbage can that they say is a recycling bin and a T shirt with the It's Sassy to Recycle logo on it.

[Dave]

And if you tie off all the sleeves, you can use it as a bag for the grocery store.

[Pam]

That's right. They also do though have a tote bag and a mug and a Frisbee.

[Dave]

Frisbee is good for plates.

[Pam]

Right.

[Dave]

They got the chocolate bar up top, which you can eat then out in your garden. Well, it comes with straight to compost.

[Pam]

We've talked about this one already before. Because it comes with a paper label that turns into a self mailer. Can use it to write to your congressman and say whatever truth. Yeah, exactly. So you can write tolerance to. Anyway, all of this is new. And all of this looks like. It looks so bad and cheap. This logo is so ugly.

[Dave]

It's. It's getting that catalog of pens and rulers and 12 year old style baseball caps and just put your one logo on it for everything. It's four imprint. Four for certain.

[Pam]

It is.

[Dave]

Yeah. There's two more pages of Sassy Club. And it's all the same stuff we've seen in Sassy Club for the past three months.

[Pam]

Just.

[Dave]

And Sassy Club, it is a failed experiment against God's plan. And it used to be great and now it isn't. You had. You had the formula at the start. You blew it.

[Pam]

Yep. You are. You're learning.

[Tara]

Right?

[Pam]

You're right.

[Dave]

Yep.

[Pam]

Say what? Several letters about the puppy mill story. Last one, of course, is from the pro Puppyville side. Ish. My mother owns a pet shop and I can already hear the customers raising hell about how we get our puppies no, you don't. Anyone who goes to a pet store doesn't care. We get them from private breeders. So the puppies have been raised in a loving environment, usually by a family. They're delivered to us by someone who makes sure they are kept healthy, fed, watered and cleaned. Furthermore, they're checked by a vet, and if there's anything wrong, they are not accepted. And then what happens? Please make sure you give the good guys who run pet stores a chance. No, I won't adopt a dog if you're gonna get a dog. The end.

[Dave]

You tell them, Tara.

[Tara]

I did good Tara. I'm gonna guess, but maybe it's Tara from Durham, North Carolina. But North Carolina makes me think it's Tara. Tara writes, I love Kim France's article, tricky Ways to Meet Boys, but I had to write and tell you. Some of ours carry a camera. Guys are hams and will beg you to snap their picture or carry a water gun. And when you spot a dude, take aim and squirt. This sends the cute boy running, usually after you. And one word of advice, never give your phone number to the guy. Get his and make him sweat it out by the phone, wondering if the babe with the gun is going to call. Tara, you're fucking cool. How do you do it?

[Pam]

Yeah, the camera thing is pretty good.

[Dave]

I don't want to be squirt by squirting, though. No, thank you. Especially not today's environment.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Open. Carry squirt guns. No, thank you.

[Pam]

We also got some letters about Christina's attempt to draw parallels between gangs and sororities. First, a sorority person. I assume her expose on gangs proved them to be brutal and vicious, their members, ignorant and unmotivated. Sororities and fraternities, on the other hand, are organizations designed to promote spirit and fellowship. No, they're not. They're organizations that are designed to exclude people. Let's be real. Then the next one. Gangs Equal Sorority Portrayed gang life. Exactly. This is someone who lives in east la. The end of it is, I am not a gang member, I'm proud to say, but I am tired of all the senseless killing.

[Dave]

Bold pro death.

[Pam]

Exactly. Like, no one is writing in to say they approve of senseless killing or.

[Dave]

Just, like, get the numbers up.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Weird take.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Rachel from Philadelphia says, dearest Christina, I'm 16, a model, and I go to a magnet school for the academically talented. Mila may be an airhead, but there's nothing more annoying than people who stereotype models as stupid because they'd rather not accept that Beautiful people have brains too. If you believe I'm stupid because people pay me for my looks, then that means you must be ugly because they pay you for what you think. Don't print your prejudice. Don't print your prejudice is good. Put it on a shirt.

[Pam]

I love it when people try to be part of, like, an aggrieved minority. Like, I'm so beautiful that I'm a model. So take that.

[Dave]

Yeah. If you're so smart, why are you going to school to learn about magnets?

[Tara]

Because she's very attractive. She has no choice.

[Dave]

You just stick them together.

[Tara]

They're making her go because she's so attractive.

[Pam]

Finally inside out. Oh, it's a little baby sassy. This is the sort of thing they would do occasionally that would make me so excited to learn about how magazines are actually made. And in this case it's by printing little, teeny tiny versions of all of their editorial pages and sticking them on a board. It looks so cool. I hope somebody kept like the little, teeny tiny versions of the magazine when they stuck them all together. But they also refer to. I've. I've said that the section in the middle where all the features are is called the island because that's what they called it when I worked at a magazine in the late 1990s. Here they call it a well well or island. I don't know if that's a Canadian versus American, but if you heard me say island and didn't know what I was talking about because you're used to hearing called the well, apparently that's another word for that. So the more you know, that's next.

[Dave]

Time in Slide Whistle.

[Tara]

Next time.

[Pam]

Next time it's the slumber party episode. After telling you our results in the How Spacey Are youe and the Rate your Boy Obsessiveness quizzes, we'll play some of your latest voicemails about overalls, movie, snacks, and so much more.

[Dave]

My plug is for our dog. Sandy McTire, who I'm now remembering really hates the slide whistle, is not happy with me here. So as I read the rest of it, I'm just chain feeding her treats right now. Oh, Sandy, getting all the treats.

[Tara]

She's not alone. You can call us. Our hotline is 720Sassy. Go. You can leave us a voicemail about the show or the magazine or your quiz results or, I don't know, whenever you lost a tampon. How do you feel about slide whistles? We'll definitely play it on a future episode. If you go to listen to sassy dot com. That's where you can find all the links and contact info for us. Everything we've just been saying. Listen to sassy.com720sassy go. We're ready to hear from you. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next time. Oh, boy.

[Pam]

Wow. Well, this was a great last episode ever. Bye, Pam.

[Tara]

Yeah, you know what? It's like Dave joined band. It's like you inspired him.

[Pam]

I mean, I'm officially extremely insulted that you would suggest this is what we sounded like, but that's pretty good. Burn.

[Tara]

Oh, God.