September 1991 Fashion Etc.: Beige, Icy Blu & Toilet Breath

Summary

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s

Episode: September 1991 Fashion Etc.: Beige, Icy Blu & Toilet Breath

Release Date: April 28, 2026
Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, David T. Cole

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Listen To Sassy" finds Tara, Pamela, and Dave combing through the September 1991 issue of Sassy Magazine, riffing on fashion features, beauty tips, and some truly questionable advertisements. Their usual blend of nostalgia and snark covers topics from oddball 90s shoe trends to the saga of forgotten dance artist Icy Blu (and her shocking post-Sassy fate). From Parisian stripes to inventive uses of moisturizer, this episode is a lively time capsule of Gen-X teen fashion and magazine weirdness—with plenty of laughs and sidebars along the way.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Opening Banter and Magazine Cover Chat

• The trio launch into a running "fashion" gag inspired by David Bowie, setting the playful tone.
• Revisit confusion about this month's cover and its lipstick detail ("it must have molecularly bonded with the paper…" – Dave, 02:24).
• Recap of there being two weird covers for this issue and speculation about Sassy's editorial decisions.

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2. Fashion Feature #1: "Vous êtes vraiment une artiste" (03:11)

• Theme: French-inspired, artsy looks focused on stripes, berets, and portfolios.
• Minor Meltdown: Dave is annoyed by the lipstick on the cover and the impracticality of French props like oversized bread and embellished berets ("It really just looks like suddenly her head was magnetized and just random shit flew and stuck to it." – Dave, 05:02).
• Fashion Nostalgia:
  • Pam reminisces about collecting "doodads" on plastic chain necklaces and relates it to the over-accessorized berets: "You can't be walking around wearing an Eiffel Tower charm ever. No. Particularly not on your beret chain." (05:40)
  • Tara's favorite look is a simple, striped oversized T-shirt, leggings, and ballet flats.
• Comedy Bit: Extended riff about giant blotting pads for oily faces and the possibility of making them in craft paper size (06:45).
• Emily the Strange Sidebar: Pam reveals she's working on an Emily the Strange adaptation, leading to a discussion of goth fashion's enduring appeal. (See Notable Moments)

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3. Fashion Feature #2: Beige Goes Bland (10:19)

• Theme: All beige, equestrian-inspired looks ("It's just beige. Relax already. Get a horse." – Pam, 10:27).
• Universal Drag: All agree the beige trend is boring, with Tara likening it to flipping through a Spiegel catalog (11:05).
• Jodhpurs/Jodhpur Confusion: Spirited debate about equestrian pants and their pop culture representations (Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars).
• Peter Cushing Reference: Dave claims the shoot would be better with him in it (12:40).

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4. "Cool School Shoes": Best (and Worst) Footwear Trends (13:02)

• Key Observations:
  • Discussion of "shooties" (shoe-booty hybrids), minimal variety, and the unsavory scent implications of certain shoe styles.
  • ("That shoe stinks like hell after your feet come out of it" – Dave, 13:44)
  • Dave thinks pink desert boots are the only redeemable option ("I really miss desert boots, and I miss them so much", 17:49)
  • Tara shares a story about her own (blue) loafers and their interview-appropriate vibes.
  • Pam is grossed out by old-man slipper styles foisted on teens.

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5. "Making It" DIY: Fringe Skirt Disaster (18:32)

• The DIY project involves cutting up a skirt and hemming fringe with ribbon—a process all three unanimously agree is "dumb" and destined for disaster ("This poor girl is going to show her butt whenever she's moving", Pam, 19:25).
• Referencing pop culture ("This is Ned Flanders' mother," Tara, 19:25).

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6. "About Face": Beauty Innovations and Snafus (20:09)

• Asian Skin Foundations: Mocking the limited shade range offered in 1991 (three for Asian skin) compared to today's brands ("Fenty has 50 different shades…" – Tara, 20:42).
• Lubriderm as Hair Product: Margie's anecdote about using Lubriderm moisturizer as hair goop, with Tara recounting her own attempt ("It was fine… Took down frizz", 22:27).
• **Pam is visibly aghast at the idea ("Pam's got her fingers over her mouth like she's watching the pit", 22:41).
• Cloth/Quiff Quip: Lexical deep-dive into the word "coif" devolves into jokes about queefs (24:05).
• Pam's Beauty Arsenal: Pam shows off her outlandish collection of day/night creams, eyebrow moisturizers, etc., to the group's amusement.

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7. "Zits and Stuff": Beauty Q&A

• Mascara Lifespan:
  • Reader asks about bacteria in mascara; general consensus is that three months is guideline due to potential for bacterial growth, though everyone admits to using products longer ("I've never had that feeling before – I'm going to throw this away", Pam, 28:39).
  • Dave is deeply disturbed by eyelash curlers ("I ran out of the room. I was so skeeved out.", 29:35) and makeup near eyes.
  • Discussion of mascara ingredients, myth vs. fact ("Common misconceptions: Mascara does not contain guano… guanine, a shimmer agent, often derived from fish scales", Pam, 32:10).
• Lip Minimalism:
  • Question from a Black teen about making lips look smaller. Sassy tells her not to ("Your lips are fine. Don't worry about it", 33:08), but also offers dubious advice about using eyeliner as lip liner.

Memorable Tidbits:

• Dave: "It's 20% zits and 80% stuff… should be Stuff and Zits" (34:06)
• Pam brings up the rise of daily SPF use, referencing Olay as a direct result of Sassy-era advice (34:21).
• "Sandwiching" Skincare: Pam describes layering retinol between two moisturizers as a gentler application method (35:09).

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8. Ads & Ephemera Deep Dive (39:49 onwards)

• L'Oreal Curling Mousse Ad:
  • Dave unimpressed, convinced the model's giant hair is a wig ("they just threw it on top of her skull… Mars Attack head hiding", 39:49–40:30).
• Esprit Spreads:
  • Charming/weird reader submissions juxtaposed: one about nobody being a nobody, second about orange juice that tastes good after brushing your teeth. ("Vibe shift", 42:41).
• Icy Blu:
  • Hilarious incredulity over a very 90s pop star passed off as a teen cheerleader in an ad.
  • Tangent: Turns out Icy Blu was sentenced for federal drug charges and vanished from public view ("her meth was Icy Blues…sometimes we just name ourselves into our future" – Tara & Dave, 45:45–45:56).
• "Toilet Breath" Insult Hotline:
  • The weirdest 1-900 number ad, which invites kids to call up and insult an operator for $2/minute ("Do you call them and for $2 a minute, you just say shitty things at them", Pam, 56:30).
  • Dave actually tries calling it; the number is defunct.
• Prom Dress & Accessories:
  • Bizarre, janky photographs ("her head for some reason just tells her about local sales and bargains" – Dave, 50:26).
• Tie-Ins:
  • World-building: "The Shadow of Love" TV adaptation and "Totally Hot" series both get airtime for their ridiculousness ("Send us the phrases you're using to describe the stuff you think is totally hot. And win a totally hot baseball cap. Not pictured.", Pam & Tara, 52:28).
• Twin Peaks Merch:
  • Reflection on their first TV tie-in purchases, from the soundtrack to Laura Palmer’s diary.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "We're all dressing like the lady who won't let you get her ball back from her front yard and calling it fashion." – Pam, 00:51
• "This is the Frenchest stuff they could find in New York City." – Dave, 05:54
• "If she needs to lock up a tiny bike, she's all set." – Dave (on beret key charm), 06:04
• On Emily the Strange:
  • "She's Emily Strange Forever 13 and it comes from a long line of Stranges…like steampunky goth inventor…likes being by herself" – Pam, 09:34
• "It's as beige as…relax already. Get a horse." – Pam, 10:27
• "That shoe stinks like hell after your feet come out of it." – Dave, 13:44
• "These shoes look so old. I don't understand this shot. They look like my great grand uncle just took them off after a long walk…" – Pam, 17:16
• "I'm telling you…it didn't make it look greasy. It was just as fine as using conditioner." – Tara (on using Lubriderm in hair), 24:19
• "Common misconceptions. Mascara does not contain guano… it contains guanine, often derived from fish scales. Oh, is that worse?" – Pam, 32:10
• "The most popular boy at Robert E. Lee High has looks, brains, muscles, and fangs." – Tara, 53:40

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:11 — "Vous êtes vraiment une artiste" fashion spread
• 08:09 — Emily the Strange sidebar (Pam's animation scoop)
• 10:19 — Fashion Feature #2: Beige/equestrian looks
• 13:02 — "Cool School Shoes" deep dive
• 18:32 — DIY "Making It" and the disaster fringe skirt
• 20:09 — "About Face": Foundational makeup for Asian skin, Lubriderm as hair product
• 27:46 — "Zits and Stuff" Q&A
• 39:49 — Sassy Ads: L'Oreal hair mousse and beyond
• 44:16 — The saga of Icy Blu ("She was sentenced to 121 months in federal prison in 2022 for conspiracy to distribute meth." – Pam, 45:24)
• 52:03 — "Totally Hot" book series and cap giveaway
• 58:01 — Twin Peaks collectibles reflection

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Tone and Style

The hosts deliver a blend of affectionate nostalgia, Gen-X snark, and pop culture inside jokes, maintaining an irreverent but warm rapport. They often riff on each other's stories, create comedic scenes, and reference everything from The Simpsons and Star Wars to obscure 90s trends and current internet culture.

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Useful for First-Time Listeners?

Absolutely. The episode is self-contained, full of references, explanations, and witty asides that offer context for all the Sassy and 90s throwbacks—even if you never read the magazine. The hosts do a great job making everything participatory, inviting listeners to check visual aids, call their voicemail, and share their own beauty horror stories.

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Next Episode Preview:
The team will explore "Dirt," Sassy’s "brother" magazine, in detail next time. Expect more wild 90s flashbacks and hilarity.

Transcript

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[Pam]

Yes, that's French they're speaking.

[Tara]

And no, these children aren't French. They're American.

[Pam]

It it is September 1991. Openwork sweaters are back in fashion, helping skinny, cold girls get colder and clumsy girls get stuck on doorknobs. Fishnets are back, flea markets are flourishing, and the New York Times tries to get people into carrying walking sticks while they're just being people walking around. We're all dressing like the lady who won't let you get her ball back from her front yard and calling it fashion. So grab a perfectly good skirt you'd like to ruin with a pair of scissors and too much time alone.

[Tara]

Cause yes, it's to time. Time to listen to sassy.

[Dave]

Passion.

[Tara]

Should we just get into it?

[Dave]

Fashion. Fashion.

[Pam]

Oh, okay. You do need three or we aren't

[Dave]

fashion.

[Tara]

Thank you. I don't know what the next lyric is.

[Dave]

I think it's fashion. No. All right. I think David Bowie. Here we go. Fashion.

[Pam]

I don't know the David Bowie.

[Dave]

Turn to the left.

[Tara]

Oh, oh, Fashion.

[Pam]

Sorry, you guys.

[Tara]

Turn to the left.

[Dave]

Fashion.

[Tara]

Turn to the right.

[Dave]

That's right. All right, we got there.

[Tara]

Thank God.

[Dave]

Next time we'll add more to that.

[Pam]

Oh, no, I'll read up on it.

[Tara]

On our cover this month is Chandra not the one that's married into the Mary Tyler Moore ex husband family. I got corrected about that. We already talked about the two weird covers of this month's issue. How did I bring it up again? Why?

[Pam]

I don't know. I thought I was like, we did this.

[Dave]

I know we did. But like, I keep on second guessing myself, and I keep on trying to, like, remove the lipstick off the one we have, but there's just no budging it. And it doesn't look like it's on it, but it has to be drawn on. It just must have molecularly bonded with the paper or something like that. Anyways, we don't need to re litigate.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Dave]

I'm just saying. I'M having my doubts now. Oh, this took a turn right from the start.

[Tara]

Now Dave's. We angry up his blood. He's not gonna sleep at all tonight.

[Pam]

That's fine.

[Dave]

All right, let's move on.

[Tara]

Okay, great. Fashion feature number one. Vous ete vrement une artiste, means you are really an artist.

[Dave]

My children need wine.

[Tara]

Yeah, this is like vaguely Frenchy, but it just is stripes, basically.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

This is. Occasionally they like to do a stripe story. You guys know I always like them. I am once again wearing stripes. Not the same striped shirt I was wearing last time. We did a different one, allegedly. But this one, this is like a looser kind of a story to wrap all these stripey things together. Like, it's sort of French. You're sort of an artist. One girl is carrying a portfolio and a couple of brushes arranged very self consciously, but it seems like they ran out of steam because there's only four pages, whereas usually we get six.

[Dave]

What is the first photo lady going to do? I know with three large baguettes, it might just be French loaves. Frankly, I don't think they're actually baguettes. They're too thick to be baguettes.

[Pam]

She's also bought two and then one as if she went to two different groceries.

[Dave]

I need so much bread, they can't fit it in the standard bread bag.

[Pam]

At this bakery, like her art class that she's going to. On the way, they were like, oh, three other people showed up. So on your way to art class, can you bring some extra brushes for friends and then.

[Tara]

Yes. To have with our wine. Yeah. She's very Tom Wilkinson and Michael Clayton before Michael Clayton with all this bread. Too much bread. I also would like to know how much confidence it takes to wear an embellished beret. Like the girl on the sidebar of this first image.

[Dave]

Oh, the magneto origin story.

[Pam]

Is that what it is?

[Tara]

What is one? There's a bunch of pins and whatever. Fine. And they have like a chain sort of strewn about, held in place with pins. But then one thing is just a key.

[Dave]

Yeah, it's an overhead shot.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

So it's looking down on her beret. So you get a lot of beret coverage and. Yeah, it's just a bunch of pendants and metal chains. There's a key, there's a locket. I don't know what's hanging off the front there, but it really just looks like suddenly her head was magnetized and just random shit flew and stuck to it. It's so scattershot.

[Pam]

It looks not like they kept it on for long. Right. Cause it looks a little paper clip safety pinned on there. That's so loud. And it would fall off and make the beret fall off if you tried to wear it. But it's remember like I can't believe these are not back in. I guess we put em in our crocs but chain necklaces that were those plastic chains that you put all the little doodads on.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

And you would collect all doodads. That's what this is down to the key. But on her head. You can't be walking around wearing an Eiffel Tower charm ever. No. Particularly not on your beret chain.

[Dave]

Yeah. This is the Frenchest stuff they could find in New York City. Where I'm sure they shot this.

[Tara]

Oh they did. It says locations Continental Coffee House, New York City.

[Dave]

But if she needs to lock up a tiny bike, she's all set.

[Tara]

She sure is.

[Pam]

Or. Or her secrets.

[Tara]

My favorite look was on the last page. It's the last girl on the right with the flipped up hair and a stripy oversized T shirt and black leggings and ballet flats. She's the one who's holding the brushes in a very self conscious way. But other than that she looks really cute.

[Pam]

Her paper is expensive.

[Dave]

Is that paper like the giant version of those degreaser pads you have? Tara? Can you buy those and just put it all over your face to start?

[Tara]

That's what you have. Like when you're staying in a hostel and you can't shower, you just use the sketchbook sized papier poudres to wipe all your grease off.

[Dave]

I mean if you could buy them in that size, would you?

[Tara]

No.

[Dave]

What if you could buy them like craft paper rolls that they use at those restaurants where you can color on the table before you get your food

[Tara]

and just rub my head on it instead of washing my hair.

[Dave]

Just lie down on it and just sort of like roll around back and forth.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And then you get up and there's a Tara shaped grease pot. Put it on the wa.

[Tara]

Don't steal my DNA off this.

[Dave]

What did you guys think of the page before that? Page 60 where all the information about all the outfits are scrawled in handwriting.

[Tara]

Oh God. I didn't even notice. That's what it was. That's. I don't. I don't care for that.

[Pam]

I'm into it.

[Dave]

What about the page before that? The title page? Where there is. I'm going to sell it this way. The girl from the Ring as Beetlejuice.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Dave, did I or did I not have these tights?

[Dave]

You?

[Pam]

Yeah,

[Dave]

I don't know. Did you go through Emily Strange period?

[Pam]

I'm currently in one.

[Dave]

I know, you're right, sorry. Oh, forgot about that. I don't know if you can talk about that. But anyways, if you did go through a real one outside of your professional obligations, then this is it.

[Tara]

Pam, tell the listeners who may not know what your connection is to Emily the Strange.

[Pam]

Oh, I have been for some time now working on an adaptation of Emily the Strange for Warner Brothers Animation and

[Dave]

Bad Robots, two organizations going through some great things right now.

[Pam]

Yes, fine. It's going great. Every meeting's just a joy. We're all fine. What could go wrong?

[Dave]

Would you like half a water?

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah, it's fun. You know what? Still working. So as you know, that's what we say. You just keep. You just keep going.

[Dave]

I remember a time when we would walk down Queen street west in Toronto, all the sort of fashion boutiques, not the high end stuff like you know, the middle class boutiques and half the stores had Emily Strange. What is it? Emily is strange. Emily the Strange stuff in their stores. You just. It was unavoidable for quite a while.

[Pam]

I'll tell you. It's still a thing. Wherever I sit when I'm working on it, you know, people just stop. Like I love her, you know, if they see the book or the poster, the stickers on my thing. So yeah, she's. It's 30 years old and still kicking. Still big worldwide. A lot like a lot like hello Kitty. Yeah, but just not as many characters.

[Tara]

Right.

[Pam]

It's not a whole empire. She has books and there's calendars and

[Dave]

is it that she is strange and it's sort of like a name, like King of Myth or is she of the Stranges? Kenny Bunk Strange is.

[Tara]

Good question.

[Dave]

I think both.

[Pam]

She is both. She is Emily Strange Forever 13 and it comes from a long line of stranges.

[Dave]

Wow.

[Pam]

She's like steampunky goth inventor person and likes being by herself. I could just grab. There's a hundred things in reach, but it's just tinctures and Emily the Strange around here everywhere I'm sitting but Pam's

[Tara]

screen just fell down and it was a huge wall sized mood board of Emily. Well, something to look forward to in this terrible coming at you in 20,

[Pam]

29 or 30. Who knows? Animation takes forever.

[Tara]

Good reason to stay alive that long.

[Pam]

Fashion feature number two. Oh, go ahead, David. I didn't get it. Right away.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

That's actually the most interesting thing about this entire fashion feature is that Dave had a sound to make because this is so boring. It's so boring. It's as beige as the. It's just beige. Relax already. Get a horse.

[Tara]

Hey, ladies. Hey, ladies.

[Pam]

Do you need to relax? Get a horse. They're so chill. You can sit on them, you can hug them.

[Dave]

They'll warm your boobs.

[Pam]

If you don't have enough money for a horse, get a Dalmatian.

[Dave]

Do you think a horse is really good at motorboarding, though?

[Tara]

Yeah, probably,

[Dave]

right? That's what he's kind of doing. Or she.

[Tara]

Or she. They had a story recently where it was all gray and it was in black and white mostly, and that was pretty bad. And then they topped it with this. All of these looks are so dull. It just looks like flipping through the Spiegel catalog.

[Dave]

The title photograph, though, with this woman in her super itchy looking hoodie, like. Like a really casual Jedi makes me itch. I could just feel my arms itching. Never mind the fact that my arms have been itching for the past three days. But if there wasn't, this photo would definitely trip that off.

[Pam]

I don't understand Jods first. Is that who you say? I'm not rich enough to know how to say this. This word. Jodhfurst. They don't look like. When they have them as fashion, they don't look comfortable. They look like compression pants. But.

[Dave]

Wait, what are you talking about? Page 69.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Page 69.

[Dave]

Yeah. I don't. Are those that though, don't they bunch up above the knee choppers?

[Tara]

Well, they might describe them as Jod purpose, but usually they're wider in the thighs.

[Dave]

You know how I can remember? Because that's what grand Moff Tarkin wears in Star Wars.

[Tara]

Mm, that's right.

[Pam]

Yep.

[Dave]

That's the only reason I know this fashion tip.

[Pam]

It says, honest to goodness writing breeches is what it says on page 68 to describe them. So is that different? A writing breach?

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Rich girls 720. Sassy code.

[Dave]

You got more muddy than sense.

[Tara]

These look more like leggings. Yeah, Jodhpur's don't have to. They're. They look more like, you know, like the old timey big game hunter, you know, with like the stick and stuff.

[Dave]

This photo shoot would have been 10 times better if it had Peter Cushing in it.

[Tara]

Yeah, of course.

[Dave]

Yeah. They all would wear beige in my moment of triumph. Starlock jam.

[Tara]

Okay, let's keep going.

[Pam]

Just don't know what happened there.

[Tara]

What next? Cool school shoes. The best new footwear on this and quite possibly any other planet. Genius. My comments are in the top left. I didn't think we were still doing shooties like this in 1991.

[Dave]

Shooties?

[Tara]

Yeah, like booty shoe. A shoe and a booty.

[Dave]

Got it.

[Tara]

The top center and the middle right are too similar for a page that only has nine different kinds of shoes. To me, you should have. They should be more variety.

[Pam]

Please grab your visual aids so that you know what we're talking about.

[Tara]

Yeah, Please go to the visual aids. This is what we make them for.

[Dave]

Top middle. People can smell it.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Middle right. That shoe stinks like hell after your feet come out of it. It's got that Birkenstock weird, like, fourth state of matter that happens when your feet sweat in a sandaly sort of affair. This leather.

[Tara]

The top ones or the middle ones?

[Dave]

The middle ones.

[Pam]

That middle one. But that top one is more it, man.

[Tara]

That top one has vents so you smell.

[Dave]

If you. I walk in the room with those shoes, you're going to smell my feet first.

[Tara]

Yeah, but they're sandals. You're wearing them with your bare feet so they don't get that stinky. Whereas these. These other ones, you're wearing them with tights or socks, so they don't. What? Which, the leather? Yes, the right.

[Pam]

The leather ones. Middle. You aren't. You weren't raw dog in those because, you know, city. They're blister city.

[Dave]

All right.

[Pam]

Those top ones got me with your

[Dave]

legal shoe mumbo jumbo.

[Pam]

Dirt's going into the toe cleavage and staying there and. Oh, they're so gross. They're just gross.

[Tara]

And then.

[Pam]

And then they'll have the imprint of your foot in it.

[Dave]

Yeah. And then eventually you build up enough that your foot can't maintain its position in that. It's just sort of like there's a gush there that your foot is always moving along and it never dries out after that. Never dries out. You can throw that shoe into the middle of the sun. The sun will not be able to bake whatever's happening on that sandal.

[Tara]

This is why Dave stopped wearing sandals, I believe. I haven't seen you in a sandal in a very long time.

[Pam]

Well, there was that campaign. It was a. It was signed by a lot of people. It was on change.org and then he had to stop wearing those shoes.

[Dave]

Oh, just for me. I see.

[Pam]

Just for you. Yeah. There was that campaign.

[Dave]

I haven't worn Birkenstocks in forever. If I wear sandals in the past 20 years, it's usually been a sports sandal or a flip flop. Yeah, I don't really, but. But that I. My feet up.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

And then I had to get inserts for my hiking. I just wear hiking boots everywhere. Now I have one pair of shoes as a pair of hiking boots. If I have to go to a funeral, it's going to be a hiking funeral.

[Pam]

A hiking funerals where they set it on fire and send it into the mountain. That's right. That's right.

[Dave]

What's going on with the center boots that look like the inside of a fancy book that you bought?

[Tara]

The paisley ones?

[Dave]

Yeah, the paisley ones that look like. What do you call it when you dip a page in the ink?

[Tara]

Oh, I can't remember.

[Dave]

You know what I'm talking about.

[Tara]

I do know what.

[Dave]

It's like a water table and you dip it in and you pull it out. That's what these boots look like.

[Pam]

Well, yeah, they're bad.

[Tara]

It's, you know, it's paisley. They're very like later era Beatles sort of a thing. Again, it's something you have to have a lot of confidence to pull off. Unless you're just sticking them up your jeans and only want like the top part to show. I would not do these then or now.

[Pam]

It also says Tapestry. So they're like upholstery boots on top of that. So these are like your full Steven Tyler's. Yeah.

[Tara]

You can't wear these in the. In a brainstorm.

[Dave]

Water marbling.

[Tara]

Water marbling, that's right.

[Pam]

Good job.

[Tara]

The boring Italian loafers to the left of those. I had these, but in blue. I had a. An Esprit plain navy blue shift dress that was sleeveless and a matching jacket. It was also from Esprit and that is what I wore two job interviews after I finished college with matching navy shoes like this.

[Dave]

What's the point of the thing that's on the top there?

[Tara]

Embellishment.

[Dave]

Okay. Does it have any function or did it ever have a function now?

[Tara]

No.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

The two classes, it's where you handle. It's where you put your beret charms and you can't keep them on your brace. Hook them to your shoes.

[Dave]

They look like little Barbie handcuffs or something.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah, they do. These shoes look so old. I don't understand this shot. They. I wrote that they look like my great grand uncle just took them off after a long walk. These look like slippers. Like when my dad's like, go get my slippers. This is what they looked like, all fuzzy and gross inside. I don't understand how they're selling these to the teens.

[Tara]

Dave, which of these shoes do you want your girl to wear?

[Dave]

Oh, honestly, I would wear these pink desert boots because I really knew you

[Tara]

were gonna say that.

[Dave]

I really miss desert boots, and I miss them so much.

[Tara]

They're cute.

[Dave]

I can think I could pull off the pink. The pink goes with most of the stuff I have.

[Tara]

You could do a desert boot now if you want.

[Dave]

They make them now, I'm sure. Get them.

[Tara]

I'm sure you could.

[Pam]

Guys, they're called. They're called loafer charms. Sorry. Go ahead.

[Dave]

Are you asking what I want to buy for you to wear?

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

I don't know.

[Dave]

I think I want you in those big clompers in the bottom. Right.

[Tara]

I knew you were gonna say that because you want to say that we're leaving the house to go and do something and then wait 25 minutes while I lace them up.

[Pam]

Foreign. Let's make it.

[Tara]

Or not.

[Pam]

This one's make. This month's making it is fringy. And there's another beret and a striped shirt that Tara's wearing right now. How did she do that?

[Tara]

I'm not. But I do have this. I bought it from Loft last month with a gift card that I got for Christmas. And that is 100% true.

[Pam]

It's by Agnes B. So they're probably still making this shirt, and it's in a catalog right now. Yep. The skirt. Someone's getting grounded. This was a skirt. It tells you take a skirt, cut it up off it, and then cut some pieces. Cut it into pieces, and then hem A rip hem cut. Oh, God, this is so dumb. And then ribbon. Pieces of ribbon to it to make fringe. When all you really need to do is cut strips into this. If that's what you want to do. I don't understand the ribbon. This poor girl is going to show her butt whenever she's moving. You do need the fishnets and everything else she's wearing because this is to the top of the crack.

[Tara]

Dave, here's who this girl is. This is Ned Flanders, Mother, who doesn't know why baby Ned is such a terror. Because they've tried nothing and they're all out of ideas.

[Dave]

Yeah. I just realized we could have had a little theme for this section all along. I'll just play it. We can. We can maybe do it next time.

[Tara]

Okay. Okay.

[Dave]

All right.

[Tara]

I've got looks, I've got brains, and

[Pam]

I'm breaking These chains.

[Dave]

All right, hang on. Let's.

[Tara]

Excellent sitcom theme song.

[Dave]

Y.

[Tara]

About face, top left. Asian skin perfection is the headline. If you're Asian, you know that finding foundation to match your skin tone can be one mean feat. No more. Now you can call number and order in light, medium or rich slash dark shades. A set of two foundations, one with yellow undertones and one with beige. Wear them separately or blend for the perfect match. Wow. Three whole shades. Boy, oh boy. No one's ever going to worry about that again. I mean, Fenty has 50 different shades of foundation. That's kind of their whole thing. But even CoverGirl has 24.

[Dave]

Three Shades is nothing on the tree saving front. Cheers to Secret Assure Antiperspirants for doing away with the unnecessary packaging. They eliminated cardboard boxes in 1990 or 1991, which just reminded me of the time I was in Target, I think, where I actually saw somebody crack open one of the unboxed deodorants there and lift off a little plastic thing and go to town and then put it back.

[Tara]

Really?

[Dave]

Yeah. I think it was. Might have been Hawaii, actually. Might have been the Kona Target. Yeah. Somebody straight from the beach has to go meet somebody for dinner at the Kona Brewing Company. And they're like, yeah, you have lips, don't you? And I'm just going to read what I could actually read because there is a smear of makeup across the whole thing. So here we go. Makeup artist Bobby Brown developed a line of 10 new beautiful pea colors. Every other the two has been mentally impressed. We semi matt Rumala with rich with Hades.

[Tara]

Mm. We've also got a shot of Margie in the bottom right corner. She's getting her hair done by a stylist named Azuma. Unlikely hair goop is the headline. Recently, Margie was getting her haircut at a fancy schmancy salon. Imagine her surprise when the coif expert whipped out a big bottle of Lubriderm. Yes. The inexpensive skin moisturizer and began working a palm full through her hair. Turns out it provides tons of shine without greasiness, holds curls, stops frizz, and gives an almost wet look without being all crunch stiff. Plus, it's a nice leave in conditioner. Who knew? I didn't and I tried it did.

[Pam]

You look like there's something about Mary.

[Tara]

No, it was fine. I put it on wet hair. I didn't use a palm full. I missed that part. That would have been crazy. I used like maybe the size of a dime just on the ends of my hair, you know? It worked. Took down frizz.

[Dave]

Pam's got her fingers over her mouth like she's watching the pit.

[Tara]

Okay, Pam, listen. I got my haircut today, and I told this to my stylist, who also has curly hair. She actually. I said, we're talking about this in our podcast today, Lubriderm for hair. And she stopped what she was doing and dropped both of her hands and went, what? I said, lubriderm, like the moisturizer?

[Pam]

Yeah. Ask your local boyfriend.

[Tara]

And I tried it, and she. She was like, what? But it works. I feel like all of the stuff in a certain. In a particular category that you get from the drugstore is probably the same. Like, I don't think there's really that much difference between Lubriderm and, like, Garnier conditioner that I get from.

[Dave]

There gotta be 85% petroleum things.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

Some got vanilla, some got citrus.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

My hair can hold up to a lot of abuse. And so the only problem with this is that letting it air dry. And then I couldn't put another product on top of it, like the pomade that I normally use, because it would just, like, be slick on top of slick.

[Dave]

The model here has as much hair as you do, which you don't usually see in a magazine.

[Tara]

Yep.

[Dave]

You got all the hair. What do you guys think about the word cloth?

[Tara]

I like it.

[Dave]

Yeah. Sounds kind of dirty to me. Makes me uncomfortable.

[Tara]

Because you're thinking of queef maybe.

[Pam]

Oh, yeah. I like that. She knows what you're thinking. That you were like, probably, yeah.

[Dave]

Hello. I'm the queef expert here to rub some Lubiderm in your hair. Like, nothing about that is getting past standards and practices.

[Tara]

All right, if you also have curly hair and are willing to try this and let us know how it went. 720. Sassy.

[Dave]

Go.

[Tara]

I'm telling you, it was not bad. It didn't make it look greasy. It was just as fine as using conditioner. Pam looks so suspicious.

[Dave]

Pam likes to buy many things for many very small purposes.

[Pam]

Right on my head right now.

[Dave]

Well, this is my daytime eyebrow moisturizer. I'm not using it in an hour,

[Pam]

so I don't need this hair oil anymore.

[Tara]

Is that what you're telling me?

[Dave]

She's got another one that's pure black. She had one that was white for the daytime. She has another one that's black for the nighttime.

[Pam]

One's an oil, one's a cream.

[Dave]

I got cuticles, damn it.

[Pam]

Right? What do you want me to do?

[Tara]

Oh, my God. She's just showing us more stuff. There's so much stuff Pam so you have no idea. Pam All I have on my desk is four different kinds of headache medicine and dog treats.

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[Tara]

This pro girl in profile underneath the zits and stuff page really looks like she's going through it more than you think. For zits and stuff. This is a help level of distress.

[Pam]

This is a how do I douche Slash, tell me about your abortion picture.

[Dave]

If I may. She's having an existential crisis

[Pam]

and stuff.

[Dave]

Bye now, beautiful.

[Pam]

I have heard Jenny writes, I have heard that mascara shouldn't be kept for over three months because it might have bacteria. Are we just told this so we'll run out and buy mascara several times a year? And they tell her, no, three months is dead on. It could last six months. But everybody's going to tell you to throw it away after three months. And I just want to say the only time I've thrown out a tube of mascara recently was when I dropped it on the floor while I was putting it on my eye. And I thought, well, that's it. But I've never had that feeling before. I'm going to throw this away.

[Dave]

What is on your eyelashes when you apply the brush to them and put it back in the container? That would create bacteria that bad?

[Pam]

Well, it's the putting it back in

[Tara]

the container when you introduce air into the tube.

[Dave]

Oh, well, what the hell is this shit made out of that it goes bad so quick.

[Pam]

Well, I think it's that you're putting it by your eyes. So there's two things going on. You're right. Like, why not the eye critters getting back into. Because there's that, like you're putting all your mites and skin dust back into the tube. But they say it's the air that makes it like a volatile, dark place where things grow. And then really close to your eye,

[Dave]

you can get like my heart.

[Pam]

Yeah, you can get styes. You can get.

[Dave]

I just don't understand where the bacteria is coming from.

[Pam]

From inside the house, from here.

[Dave]

Okay. All right. The idea of putting mascara on gives me the willies. You would die, I would die. And also worse than that. Worse than that, the worst thing women

[Pam]

do like is the curler.

[Tara]

I knew it.

[Dave]

It's the. Is that what it's called where you like your eyelashes in that thing? I saw my mother do that for the first Time when I was a kid, I ran out of the room. I was so skeeved out.

[Pam]

You're. That's how they came up with that scene in cockroach orange. It's just an eyelash. It's two eyelash curls, Basically.

[Dave]

I have the same reaction.

[Tara]

It's much. That's, like, the least difficult part of doing eye makeup. You're much more likely to poke yourself in the eye with a mascara brush or with an eye pencil, eyebrow pencil. I mean, eyeliner pencil.

[Dave]

Why do you guys do this?

[Tara]

When was the last time you saw me do it? I don't.

[Pam]

So you get nervous near your eyes, Danny, what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. Or having someone do something next to your eyes like you said it would.

[Tara]

Eyelashes, contact lenses, glaucoma, Test of air at the eye doctor.

[Dave]

Yeah, it's never as bad as I think it is, but I always tense up for it, as if I'm about to go into a cave with Dracula and the Wolfman. Has to be both of them.

[Pam]

Makeup artists have said, do you want to do your own eyelash curling? And I'm like, no, you do it because I'm probably going to pinch my eyelashes or my little tiny skin. I would just rather let an expert.

[Dave]

What if you catch your eyelid?

[Tara]

You don't.

[Pam]

You do get that.

[Dave]

What if you do?

[Pam]

You don't. It pinches for just a second, and

[Tara]

then you let it go.

[Pam]

You let it go. It happens.

[Tara]

It happens.

[Pam]

Particularly when someone else is doing it.

[Tara]

I've never pinched my eyelid. One time, you just said you didn't do it. I do it when I'm. I mean, when I put makeup.

[Dave]

Better get your story straight.

[Tara]

Listen, you know, when I work in an office, I did makeup every day when I did that. I don't now. Now you just have to look at my ugly, unadorned face all the time.

[Pam]

Oh, my God. This is what glasses are for. It just refracts, and nobody can tell if you're wearing makeup or not.

[Tara]

It's true. Now, I used to do makeup when I would do, like, zoom interviews and stuff if I was interviewing, whatever, a celebrity for a story. And now I just put, like, lipstick on.

[Pam]

That's it.

[Tara]

They can't see my eyes. They don't know

[Pam]

I have thrown away mascara when it's smelly. That is true.

[Dave]

When it's smelly.

[Pam]

Yeah, it does get smelly. And you're like, oh, this must be old.

[Dave]

Like vinegar.

[Pam]

It smells like paint. It smells just. It doesn't smell like nothing.

[Dave]

What Is mascara, when it's okay and fine out of the box, it's just like it's petroleum again, right?

[Pam]

Probably nobody's ever asked this question. I don't know.

[Tara]

Wax and pigment, probably.

[Pam]

Wax literally says waxes, oils, pigments and film formers.

[Dave]

Filmers or the mvc right into your eyes. I know, I know.

[Pam]

Common misconceptions. Mascara does not contain guano. A common myth confuses guano with guanine. Guanine, a shimmer agent often derived from fish scales. Oh, is that worse?

[Tara]

Oh, no, it's fish, Dave.

[Pam]

It's fish. You're right, it's fish. Oh, no.

[Dave]

I was gonna joke earlier that I think mascara might have just been pureed caviar, but it was pretty close.

[Tara]

Oh, no.

[Dave]

Not wasting caviar in your eyes though, ladies. Just fish scales. It's like the shit from the marginalia of the Mad magazine. The hobos eating the. The cans with, with the lid half off and the fish skeletons coming out and that's what you're putting on your eyes. All right, was that the first zits and stuff thing? All right, let's move on.

[Tara]

The next one I don't have much to say about this is lip minimalism. I'm a 16 year old black girl with very large lips. The writer writes, it's not me saying it. Asking to make her lips look smaller. And of course the first line is, story checks out. Don't do it.

[Dave]

Said your story checks out.

[Tara]

What?

[Dave]

That it's not that you are not a 16 year old black girl.

[Tara]

No, you're not.

[Pam]

She's. Yeah, I know you can't see her, but it's true.

[Tara]

No. Anyway, the beginning of the answer is your lips are fine. Don't worry about it. But if you're really determined to make them look smaller, here are the tips that you can use. And then they say, use a very dark brown lip liner to line just inside your natural lip line for variety. You can even do this with a hard pencil. Eyeliner. What? Safe for your eyes is also safe around your mouth. That feels like not true. Like fish scales, right? And B, it's just goes back to the whole thing with the. We have three whole colors for you for your foundation. If you're Asian, like we're even in this answer saying, you probably won't find the right color of lip liner you want. So just use eyeliner, it's fine.

[Pam]

But don't also use it for your eyes too. Like make a choice. They don't. They don't say that.

[Tara]

They don't say that.

[Pam]

But you should say that. Don't do that.

[Dave]

I know we still got more to go, but have you noticed that it's 20% zits and 80% stuff? Yes, it should be stuff and zits.

[Tara]

You're right.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

You ever stuff your zits when you were younger to make them look bigger?

[Pam]

This, I think I picked Screen that face because this is the oil of Olay daily moisturizer that I use. Probably starting right here. When I read this. SBF 15 forever.

[Dave]

Can you say that title again as if it was a game show with a loud screen that. Thank you.

[Pam]

Rosie says my mom says I should wear.

[Dave]

Get your face down in this seat.

[Tara]

Oh, I learned about. I know what it is.

[Pam]

I learned about sandwiching. I had to go to the next page to know why I like. I click. Do you know what this is yet? Do you know about face sandwiching?

[Dave]

Is it like a giant curler for whole face?

[Pam]

I keep you two young. That's what I do. Because you know about these things, you may tease me about them.

[Dave]

Oh, wait, I know what it is.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Dave]

It's the Temple Grandin hug machine. But just for your face.

[Pam]

You want to give your face a nice hug.

[Dave]

That feels good.

[Pam]

No, but I. That does seem helpful. Just a nice squish to your jaw muscles before you go to bed. I would pay for that service. No. So say you're putting on Retin a, but you have sensitive skin, like a Pam. You first put down something like a moisturizer just to, like, be on top of your face. Then you can put the Retin A on. Then you put a thing on top of it to sort of keep it in the middle. You have sandwiched the Retin A, the retinol, into the middle of some moisturizers so that you don't give as strong of a burst on it when you are trying to.

[Dave]

Can't you just mix it?

[Pam]

No, because then it's not a sandwich. Well, I suppose I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. You got me.

[Dave]

Is that it's a sandwich. The sandwich is what gives it its medicinal properties.

[Tara]

I think it's because you let the

[Pam]

base coat dry a little bit and then you're putting something on that has to penetrate a barrier before it gets to your skin. That's the point of it. But I do mix together my serums and think, well, we'll see. They were both going on.

[Dave]

I'm telling you, Pam, I know I've said it before, but you should take every Single thing you have, put it in the tub, mix it up, and just sit in it for a while and see what it does. I you just get out of the tub and you ascend to heaven. Where's Pam? She's gone. She figured it out.

[Pam]

I just found a Reddit of, like, skincare at a certain age, and these people are serious. They are serious.

[Dave]

Don't take advice from Reddit.

[Tara]

I'll never be that serious.

[Pam]

It's not advice from Reddit. I'm not taking it as advice. I'm observing a community.

[Dave]

I'm buying everything they talk about.

[Pam]

Well, it cost me about 12 bucks, so it was an okay 10 test. Finally on, we try it. They're trying some things for your skin, going right from sandwiches to cellulite. Christina says I have a pathological fear of cellulite and have stooped to purchasing all kinds of ridiculous products to rid myself of it. Who cares if modern science says creams won't diminish your fat deposits? I happily went to work with Clarins Multimask, a hard plastic contraption used in conjunction with Clarins Exfoliating Body Scrub. Though it was excellent for exfoliation and it might have helped my circulation, I saw no difference in my cellulite content.

[Tara]

Wow.

[Pam]

When you look at what this contraption is, I can't imagine anything that you assume I have, but I don't have. This looks so painful. It looks like teeth attached to a hard. Like a hard brush. You know, like a wooden. Like a. Oh, we're brushing horses.

[Dave]

Wait. Okay. It's a brush with teeth to brush horses.

[Tara]

Look at it.

[Dave]

Oh, okay. Oh, this looks like a weapon from Chief of War.

[Tara]

Thank you.

[Dave]

It's, like, got shark teeth all around. Then you just, like, rip it. Rip somebody's stomach open.

[Pam]

I can't imagine thinking, I'll just rub this on my ass for a while and everything will be better.

[Tara]

That looks awful.

[Pam]

Even in the picture where she's rubbing it on her actual ass, she's like,

[Tara]

oh,

[Pam]

and there's boobs.

[Tara]

There's, like, boobs on this.

[Pam]

As you can see, Dave, that's what you get for following the link. You get to.

[RealReal/Sleep Number Advertiser]

Oh, no.

[Pam]

He's got to find it on his own.

[Tara]

Don't help him.

[Dave]

I don't see boobs. Oh, there they are. Wow, look at that. Talk about your multimasses. There's two of them.

[Tara]

Oh, look at that.

[Pam]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

[Dave]

It looks like something that would have been used as a prop in, like, Logan's Run.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah, it's a whole thing. So if you did this to yourself, please let us know. Yeah.

[Tara]

Please. 7:20 sassy.

[Pam]

Go.

[Tara]

The last item on the page for sore muscles. So I took home this very bright blue plastic slash rubber mitten thing with knobs and spikes all over the sides. The body shop's body buddy. This is something I remember seeing in the store for years and never used. The idea is to lather up with lots of beautiful soap suds and rub this really very bright blue thing all over your tender sore, tight shoulders, feet, neck, etc for an invigorating massage. I did this. Except without the soap. It hurt. But it'll probably feel really good if you do it the right way. Says guess who.

[Pam]

Neil.

[Tara]

Why did you even show up if you saw you did it wrong the first time? Shower the next day and then write your review. Quit wasting everyone's time. Ads.

[Dave]

It's time for sassy ads. We're gonna start on page two with a l' Oreal ad for springing curls. Boy. Curling mousse. Don't really know what the products is supposed to do. Something with curls, I guess. But I just want to say the model with her curly hair has a giant curly wig on that they actually haven't placed on her head. They just threw it on top of her skull. It didn't actually press it down any because this is like some Mars attack head hiding she's wearing right now. Like there is a giant head under this wig or the wig isn't properly on. It's one of those things. Either way, we're all in trouble.

[Pam]

That's real hair because her face is so low like a Barbie doll head.

[Tara]

That's real hair.

[Pam]

That's real hair. And I would pay so much money to have ever had that. That is Nicole Kidman's head in Far and Away or whatever.

[Tara]

Right?

[Pam]

I think it was the right movie.

[Tara]

That's her old hair for sure.

[Pam]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean maybe it's the wig she

[Tara]

wore on that movie, but it might be because she doesn't have it now, I hear.

[Dave]

Well, I don't buy it. It's too much hair.

[Tara]

You don't have to.

[Pam]

Dave. This is the impossible standard we've all been trying to achieve for some time. So I wish you'd tell the others.

[Dave]

720sassy. Go. Are Tara and Pam gaslighting me about this hair? Chime in.

[Pam]

They.

[Tara]

I don't think they had the technology back then to look to make a wig that looked this real. This is Helena Carter's hair. It does you can see her hairline.

[Pam]

Her head doesn't look real. Like, I get you there. We're like, this face is okay far down for this kind of. Where's the forehead?

[Dave]

I understand now I've approached it the wrong way. The wig is a living creature. And then they put a fake body up into its cavity, and that just didn't match up quite right.

[Pam]

If you told me that nothing was real on the arm and the sweater,

[Dave]

I only see three fingers.

[Pam]

Photoshop. Yeah, I buy that. That's a doll head and a doll arm, but the hair is real.

[Tara]

Okay, next we got a pair of two page spreads for Esprit. This is where they've invited shoppers, I assume, customers to write in. Tell us what you'd do. Write to Esprit, 900 Minnesota Street, San Francisco, California, 900 94107. And the first spread is from Shannon going, in California, she's not a human being. She's a human going. And she writes, I teach everybody that nobody is a nobody. And the accompanying shot is of her in, like, a hooded T shirt, stripey, looking away, looking very sad. She's got a scrunchie. She feels like a nobody. You know, we. We definitely feel what she's feeling. And then you turn the page, and Gene Thien from Arizona has written, I'd invent an orange juice. It takes good after brushing your teeth.

[Dave]

You know that music they play on Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends whenever Cheese is on the scene? That's what I'm hearing right now.

[Tara]

Yeah, it's just like. It's a. It's a real vibe shift. And I agree. You can't put. I teach everybody that nobody's a nobody. Second after. I'd invent an orange juice. It tastes good after brushing your teeth. But maybe put these two in different issues because both of them, back to back, it's really jarring.

[Pam]

They also made Shannon going look like she is, in fact, leaving. Like, I'll see myself out.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

I'm sorry to have brought up this bummerness. Yeah. And then Gene Theed's like, I'm here to stay.

[Tara]

Look at my teeth.

[Pam]

Look at my eyebrows. Dave's like, I'm tired of the doxing. But if anybody wants to know how these two are doing, you can just ask and I'll keep my. Over here. But one of them is still going. Okay, they're both alive.

[Tara]

Then we're going to turn to page 14 next to the say what? Column that we're not talking about because it's too Boring. This month is an a half page ad. The top line is cool. It is for Icy Blue. No E. No E. She's an all American high school girl on the varsity cheerleading squad. Excuse me, what year? Because this woman is 38. I cannot believe they are trying to pass off this dance artist as a teenager, never mind a cheerleader because she looks like she should be driving carpool.

[Dave]

That is whack.

[Pam]

Thank you.

[Tara]

I thought so.

[Pam]

She has a song called Pump it. And when you Google it and watch Pump it, you'll be like, how did she even get away with this much of this? It's egregious. Also for people who are twat people. This is a picture of Annabeth Chow. And I don't know how she put it in here. Was like, guys, they're gonna find it one day. They're gonna get to that podcast. They're gonna have to call me. Cause I'm Icy Blue. This is a picture of Annabeth Chow in an outfit.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

It is crazy. And you know it looks like her

[Pam]

because it also looks a little like Gwen Stefani. Which is.

[Tara]

Which is the face if you're icy blue. 720. Sassy got away with this.

[Dave]

Oh, she's dead.

[Pam]

How did she get away with this? She's a Red.

[Dave]

So actually she's like Captain America. She's frozen in the ice. Way to be thawed out in the future.

[Tara]

She's frozen in the ice. Icy Blue.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Tara]

Oh, no.

[Pam]

There's a true crime investigation for what happened to Icy Blue.

[Tara]

Are you serious?

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

Are you serious?

[Pam]

She was sentenced to 121 months in federal prison in 2022 for conspiracy to distribute meth. She pled guilty, leading to her incarceration in a federal prison camp. And yeah, there's a disappearance. Trip TikTok has an Icy Blue disappearance. True, true crime investigation as of January 2, 2025.

[Dave]

Her name for her meth was Icy Blues.

[Tara]

It has to be. Oh, boy.

[Dave]

Sometimes we just name ourselves into our future.

[Pam]

Oh, boy.

[Dave]

Did you know my original name was David Studley? We're moving on. Necessary Objects Ltd. Has a artsy fartsy Calvin Klein sort of affair here with a whole bunch of duotone photos of. Of pieces of people and statues doing things. The edge of modern clothing, it says. And then right in the middle of everything is a statue, question mark. Or perhaps a nude man. Very out of focus, high key lighting. I have no idea what's happening below his ass.

[Tara]

It does look like his right leg is very deformed in the thigh.

[Dave]

Something a little Johnny deformed about this guy.

[Tara]

There is.

[Dave]

He's got a cueto growing out of his ass.

[Tara]

Yeah, I'm concerned.

[Dave]

Yeah. Okay. That's all I wanted to say.

[Tara]

All right.

[Dave]

Oh, wait. So I just noticed this. There's this really artsy fartsy ad in the name and everything. And right in the corner we recommend Woollight Fine Fabric Wash.

[Tara]

I just bet you do.

[Dave]

You're woolcome.

[Pam]

Oh, boy.

[Tara]

Turning to pages 18 and 19, we've got a two page spread for a brand called Genera. You couldn't have spent one more lunch thinking of a better name for your brand than something that sounds almost exactly like generic, which this is. This looks like it's splitting the difference between an Esprit ad and a Benetton ad with all of these attractive young persons sipping their drinks in a very generic way.

[Dave]

Except for the one guy in the middle who looks like he's trying to play a lemon wedge as a flute.

[Tara]

I think he's got a straw behind mind that. At least I hope he does. And the, the guy on the left looks like Yassified Jack Antonoff to me. Oh, okay.

[Pam]

I, I was pos. I was positive you were going to tell me that's a Baldwin.

[Tara]

Oh, it could be. Yeah. If a Baldwin fell on his nose, that would be this guy kinda. On page 25, we've got an ad for Sammy's which is a diffusion line from Samsonite. The luggage people. And the top line, which is very small. They're not, they're. They're a little embarrassed about it, I think based on this font size, but it says in quotation marks you don't go to the beach with just any old bag. And then it's a black and white shot of people in old timey bathing suits at the beach and an old guy and an old lady walking with all their. And I guess she's the old bag. That's the joke in this magazine for teen girls. But anyway, Sammy's are the duffel bags or gym bags if you're cool. And you know it's the 90s because. Wow. This brand, this logo type is extremely early 90s. And so is the color scheme of this bag.

[Dave]

Oh my God. It makes a lot more sense once you realize this is a. We can be cool too, can't we? Effort from Samsonite. Right. Because that is basically the Simpsons. Yeah, Poochie sort of thing. Like racify him 10%. Like that is basically this. And then for reasons I don't quite understand. So you Got the photo and the photo's like torn at the top of the bottom like it's a collage. But at the bottom, underneath the Sammy's logo. That is like if every Dixie cup from the 80s exploded behind your eyelids. It's just over and over again.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

Not just any old bag. Not just any old bag. Not just any old bag. Not just any old bag. About 200 times like it just is. Feels like a fever dream, this whole thing.

[Tara]

Page 31, we got a prom dress ad. Not much to say about this, especially since it's September. It is not prom season. But Roberta wants you to know they knocked off the spring dance dress from Beverly Hills 90210. The dress that infamously Brenda and Kelly both wore. And so they want you to know, yes, it's only September, but prom is going to be here before you know it. Get your dress now, now, now. And so you can. The friend in the, in the dress with the purple puffy sleeves, she knows she's in the background for a reason. And they did not spend any time on her hair at all.

[Pam]

It's not real, Dave. That one is a stuck on bump. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

I think she's got a smaller head under that bun. There's like she's got double stacks head.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah. Still not her arm.

[Tara]

It's like that character in the boys who has an extra mean head on the back of her head. That's what she's got going. Spoiler for The Boys Season 5.

[Dave]

Except her head for some reason just tells her about local sales and bargains. It's like a Groupon for her head. Yes. On the head. Yeah.

[Pam]

I wish someone had taken the pepper shaker away. It's driving me crazy.

[Dave]

There should be a little ceramic box full of sugar packets right next to it.

[Tara]

Moving on page 51 we've got a full page ad for in the Shadow of Love, A teenage story. This is both an after school special on ABC and it's going to air the night before that on pbs. And this is what we talked about when they had the big bummer story about Katie who has hiv. This is what her story was turned into. So they actually did it it. And there are people in it that you have heard of like Harvey Feinerstein, Lisa Vidal, scroll, scroll, scroll. Omar Epps. And then a lot of people who don't have photos on their IMDb pages, but we wish them well anyway. So congratulations to Katie for getting to tell her story. I hope it helps some people.

[Pam]

This picture looks like the meme where people start to realize something like it looks like the next one's just going to be in their nose and darker and darker. I, I, I don't quite get this, this one, but, but I think it's because they aren't glamorous enough to just be the picture.

[Tara]

It's true the guy kind of looks like Kyle Secor from Homicide, but I don't think it's him.

[Pam]

So here's an ad for a hot new series. You can tell because of the way they're talking about it. It's called Totally Hot. Did Cat go too far with Brent?

[Dave]

Well, they're all good cats. Brent.

[Pam]

Will Gabe get Cat to notice him? It's so hot. It's cool. Guys are hot. Clothes are hot. Parties are hot. This series is totally hot. It's cool.

[Tara]

It's neat.

[Pam]

It's fab. It's rad. Send us the phrases you're using to describe the stuff you think is totally hot. And win a totally hot baseball cap.

[Tara]

Not pictured.

[Pam]

Not pictured. Send us what you and your friends are saying on a three by five piece of paper and mail it to what we're saying instead of 30 Broadway.

[Dave]

I could picture you crossing your arms when you said that.

[Pam]

Oh my God. So ridiculous.

[Tara]

Sounds hot though. Turning to page 89, we've got another international model search. This is for Lowell and I think there's two accente Goose on the first E in here somehow, which is.

[Dave]

She's gonna need more wine.

[Tara]

I'm not gonna read this whole thing because who cares? It's a model search, but they have a picture of presumably past winners of this campaign. Lawrence gone, Kevon Lindley and Henry Hay. And then right in the middle is Eva Larue. Guys, future star of CSI Miami, Eva LaRue. So everyone who says that a model contest can't get you anywhere in your career, just look at this lady. And also Leslie Bibb from the other Playtex ad we talked about a couple.

[Dave]

Sorry, I was stuck on the stylist name Kelly Sims.

[Tara]

Oh, Phil 2 drama. Wow, that is quite the handle. Then on page 90 there was a read it column this month, but all of the books sounded boring, so we didn't talk about any of them. But above that is a half page horizontal ad. The most popular boy at Robert E. Lee High. Oh. Has looks, brains, muscles and fangs. It's the first three volumes of the Vampire Diaries. Future CW mainstay for way more seasons than you probably remember. It was on for so long and got a spin off, if I recall correctly.

[Dave]

I like how the volume names is me trying to fall asleep last night. The Awakening. The struggle. The Fury. God damn it, fall asleep. I got to do tomorrow.

[Tara]

Guys. Guess how many episodes there were of the Vampire Diaries TV show?

[Dave]

All right. It'll last a long time. It's cable. Somewhere in between having a billion episodes.

[Tara]

Not cable. It's the cw.

[Dave]

I meant. I meant cw. Yeah. Minor network is what I meant. I'm gonna guess. 121.

[Tara]

Okay, Pam, was it six seasons or. Can't tell you that. You gotta guess.

[Dave]

Yeah, Pam, you just have to guess.

[Pam]

Oh, yeah. I was gonna say maybe. 80 something.

[Tara]

8 seasons. 171 episodes.

[Dave]

Pam, you owe me a vampire.

[Pam]

Those people really don't age.

[Dave]

Can we talk about the picture or the illustration on this? What is wrong with this vampire's mouth?

[Pam]

Yeah, it's from American Werewolf in London, I think is part of the problem. That's a werewolf John Landis person.

[Dave]

Is that an overbite? Is that an underbite? What is that?

[Pam]

Well, I didn't go to vampire dentistry school, so I can't tell you what we're looking at.

[Dave]

The top of his mouth is way too forward. Compared to the bottom, perhaps.

[Pam]

Yeah, I guess.

[Dave]

Oh, that's what he says. I'd like to suck your breath. Come here.

[Tara]

Also, here's what I'm not doing. If I'm a teen vampire and this is my complaint about Twilight as well. Don't go to high school. You're 400 years old.

[Dave]

That's right. Doing in high school. What a perv.

[Tara]

What a loser.

[Dave]

And Robert E. Lee High school.

[Tara]

Exactly.

[Dave]

Is he a Confederate vampire?

[Tara]

This is what I'm wondering.

[Dave]

The south will never die. Wait. The south will rise again. The.

[Tara]

It was about states rights.

[Dave]

Just say state rights.

[Pam]

Hey, toilet breath. Oh, actually, it's the exact same picture of the vampire, but they've replaced the teeth with a tug. And now it says, hey, toilet breath,

[Tara]

insult me and win.

[Pam]

It's outrageous. It's fun. 1904 insults, 195 per minute. 295 for the first minute kids get permission. No long distance charges. Do you call them? And for $2aminute you just say shitty things at them.

[Dave]

That's right. Yeah, it's pretty. Just to get it out of your system.

[Pam]

It's pretty good. I think it could still work. And then we just play it later and we call it an anonymous secrets hotline. And everyone wins. Everyone wins.

[Dave]

Do you think this phone number goes anywhere right now? Do I have to pay for it if I call it.

[Tara]

Do 900 numbers still exist?

[Dave]

Find out.

[Tara]

Okay, let's find out. If someone answers, you have to say, hey, Toilet Pack. No matter what they say. Was that 7858-190044-67858? Yes. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Sad. ANNOUNCEMENT 5. Welcome to surprising.

[Dave]

You have Toilet Breath?

[Tara]

Can I leave a message for Toilet Breath? Is that mailbox full?

[Dave]

Also sounds like the alternate start to the electric company to me. Hey, Toilet Bread.

[Tara]

This seems like the inverse of what I've been learning about on Margo's Got Money Troubles, which is that weirdos will pay you to insult them. If that's what they're into, sure, stomp

[Dave]

on your balls, all that kind of stuff.

[Tara]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Pam]

Take away their. Their bank accounts.

[Tara]

I need a job. Maybe I should get into that.

[Dave]

Steal all their loyalty cards. The next sub is mine.

[Tara]

Then we're going to turn to page 93, where right in the middle column. It came from Twin Peaks Zoom for the true Peaks fan. Quirky, bizarre, off the wall. A mysterious, fun and innovative set of high quality collectible cards. 76 cards in one in all, including characters, trivia, local sites and much more. One in 50 sets has at least one authentic original autographed card. I doubt it, but you can get into wasting your money on this.

[Dave]

Didn't say who's autographing it.

[Tara]

Nope. It's licensed by Lynch Frost Productions. I. I will give it to Twin Peaks, I think. I never bought stuff from a TV show before Twin Peaks came along and I had.

[Dave]

What did you buy?

[Tara]

I had the soundtrack, but I also had the Secret Diary of Laura Palmer.

[Pam]

We all did. Yes.

[Tara]

Yep. I didn't get the cards, though.

[Dave]

The cards. Such a strange thing. Who are the cards for?

[Tara]

Yeah, I don't get it either.

[Dave]

I would love to see a five year old collecting these. And what happened to that five year old Franklin?

[Tara]

You probably wouldn't. All right, diary, we don't have to linger on this. It's Jane calls Lou, AKA Mark Lumen, who is the editor of Dirt. This is Sassy's brother magazine because the September 1991 issue was poly bagged with the first preview issue of Dirt. And guess what? We have it. And we're going to be talking about it in our next issue.

[Dave]

Is Polybagging something Margot does?

[Tara]

Probably.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Tara]

Anyway, this is. I'd forgotten that. There's a picture of Lou in this diary entry. He's photographed in his branch office, which is a payphone. Lou's cute. I'll just say it Is.

[Dave]

Is Lou from Australia?

[Tara]

No.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Tara]

I think he's American.

[Dave]

They didn't import him from their head office.

[Tara]

No, they imported him from, like, BMX magazines.

[Dave]

Oh, right.

[Tara]

He talks a little bit about his history, including moving to LA and dying his hair Crazy colors. Silver, green, red, blue, ET but that was what Dave was doing in LA not very long after this issue came out. Dyeing his hair.

[Dave]

Dyed it raven purple, I guess. Oh, yeah. Says here he's from Kalamazoo.

[Tara]

That's right. And Dave writes in our doc. Wasn't I supposed to have Kool Aid hair by now? Yes. Anytime you want to do it, let me know. It's your hair.

[Dave]

Oh, you gotta. You gotta just make me sit down and do it. I'm never gonna remember. Or, you know.

[Tara]

Well, do you not want to talk

[Pam]

about Jane just throwing these promotional items on her head before she makes this fake phone call photo with her head tilted for her nose ring? Like the creases are still in everything.

[Tara]

Yeah, she's in a dirt baseball cap that looks cheap as hell and a dirt T shirt.

[Dave]

Oh, it's one of those baseball caps with the. Like, the little rope.

[Tara]

Yes. It's like, clearly nylon. You can tell.

[Pam]

Yeah. No cool dude is wearing this hat that.

[Tara]

No, the shirt, maybe.

[Dave]

Yeah, but you can't wear them together.

[Tara]

No, no, no, of course not.

[Dave]

They're exactly the same color and logo. That's a faux pas.

[Tara]

It is. But you could buy either of them in Sassy Club if you were so moved. Next time. As we just said, Dirt Sassy's brother's magazine is out. We have it. We're gonna take you all the way through it. In our next episode, I will answer

[Dave]

all your questions about boys.

[Tara]

Thank God.

[Pam]

God which?

[Dave]

What's happening inside of boys? When do they get their periods?

[Pam]

Where do they put all their estrogen?

[Dave]

What's happening in their balls right now?

[Pam]

What do they think mascara is? Where do balls come from?

[Tara]

All this and more. We scammed the whole issue. That PDF will be be up for you to download by the time you hear this episode for my plug this week. People of our vintage may be familiar with the Rockford Files from when it was syndicated or part of A E's Primetime in the daytime programming block. But it was new to Dave and me when we started watching it, like a month ago or so, and I wrote about it for Defector. You can find that link in the show notes. Rockford Files. Good.

[Dave]

All right, you can follow tara on Blue blueskyaraeriano.com Pam is Pamela Ribbon on Instagram. You can follow this show on blue [e-mail] and of course you can support this podcast on Patreon via the Listen to Sassy Club. $5 a month. Guess who? Those full PDF scans that Tara does every damn month also gives you access to our Discord where you can talk about Sassy related things pop pop culture with us and your fellow listeners.

[Tara]

And just remember, I really did get laid off, so save me from having to do Margo's got money trouble things. Join the Listen to Sassy club. It's only $5.

[Dave]

Yeah. Support your independent podcast Please do.

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