← Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s
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- [00:00]
Commercial Announcer
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- [00:31]
Host 1
What a hump. Wow.
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Host 2
It is September 1991 and your balls have been itchy all day. You've been in there just scratching away for at least seven hours to no avail. Is it your terrible personal hygiene or your throbbing biological urges? There's just no way to know. You borrowed your sister's copy of Sassy and there is no mention of balls, testicles, cajones, or big roundies there to help you. Oh, but what's this in the trash covered in a ripped plastic bag? A dude version of Sassy. Maybe they have the testicle wisdom you seek. Yes, it's time to listen.
- [01:19]
Host 1
Dirt.
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Host 2
No.
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Ad Reader
Damn it.
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Host 2
God damn it. God damn it. Dirt boy. Makes me so mad we can't go back. The male rage coursing through my veins. Stupid lady.
- [01:31]
Host 1
I forgot. Dave, you bring up that they had
- [01:41]
Host 3
an opportunity to have a ballsy first issue here where we just talked about the testicles and what's going on and what is and they didn't do it at all. This is nearly balls free.
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Host 2
It's true. It's nearly balls free.
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Host 1
It's true.
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Host 2
Yeah, they should have had that little corner stripe on the COVID Nearly balls free.
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Host 1
It's true. Even all the sports they talk about are ball free.
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Host 3
There's one reference to ball a ball later that I will bring up.
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Host 1
Okay, this is Dirt. There will be a more fulsome edition of Dirt in the future, but this is sort of the Preview. There's just 34 pages from stem to stern, I guess. 36 to count. The COVID we do. There's ads. It looks sort of professional and sort of really budget at the same time. Some of it looks as temporary as I suppose it was.
- [02:24]
Host 2
There's some babies first page maker things happening here.
- [02:27]
Host 1
There are definitely. The story that gets the most page count is like kind of endless and repetitive and really could use a stronger hand on the edit. But we're going to get into all of it. Let's start with the COVID This cover Sucks. Oh, really bad. What you're looking at, you can see these, of course, in your visual aids. Is there's against a blaming television with youth culture. On the screen with a question mark, it says dirt. A supplement to Sassy. Sassy. Way bigger than Dirt on the top of the COVID And then inset tiny photos, none of which have any sort of relation to each other, of Kari Woorer, the MTV vj. I know. She's the rjer iced tea and a snowboarder.
- [03:15]
Host 2
Sorry, just an aside here. Are you seeing Pam's glasses right now? Look at this. Look at this old Hollywood mogul shit happening.
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Host 1
Totally. Pam is in on her Lou Wasserman shit right now. We should say.
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Host 3
I'll tell you what, this dirt's going places. Look at that. You got a snowboard, you got Kyrie. Where?
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Host 1
Where?
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Host 3
And iced tea. What can he do wrong? Nothing.
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Host 2
I gotta put you in the pictures.
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Host 3
I want to know about youth culture. There's some fuel for thought.
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Host 2
Sorry, I just thought that needed mentioning.
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Host 1
Yeah.
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Host 3
Thanks.
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Host 2
They're very good.
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Host 1
They are good. I'm jealous.
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Host 3
They're my Sarah Paulson specs. This is how ladies of a certain age are taken seriously on zooms.
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Host 2
No.
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Host 1
Good to know. Dave, do you agree? Is this cover bad?
- [03:52]
Host 2
It's not the best. This whole magazine, to be honest with you, has. Has a whiff of we don't know what we're doing. There is a genuineness to Sassy that I feel this is lacking. There is something. I feel like Sassy as a magazine as a whole, as a culture, seems way more open than Dirt does. Dirt still seems like we're boys and we don't want to let you in in secrets.
- [04:13]
Host 1
I see.
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Host 2
You know, like, I can't show you my heart. No way. The magazine.
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Host 1
Right?
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Host 3
No. There's no Lloyd Dobbler on the editorial staff here.
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Host 1
They just may be too young to connect with that yet. Because I feel like Spike Jones, who is a major creative force behind the scenes. You know, he gets there in his movies, but it takes a while.
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Host 2
He's only 21 here.
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Host 1
He's only 21? Yeah.
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Host 3
This is a lot of like skate culture posturing. Like, this is what's going on here. Like, these are boys. These are boys who hang and they look for chicks. Like, that's very clear from the beginning. This cover, though, doesn't have anything to do with what's inside. I guess that's why it's confusing.
- [04:50]
Host 1
I mean, the insets. They are all subjects that get covered. But any individual one of them would be better. And obviously like Maxim in all of the magazines in that category a few years after this would have learned, just put Kari Wer and her cleavage on the COVID Of course, this one didn't have to sell on newsstands because it wasn't on newsstands. It just got sent to people. And this is like, here's a grab bag of the shit you're going to see. Kind of. Yeah. What gives?
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Host 2
What gives?
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Host 1
This is by Lumen, AKA Lou, AKA Mark Lumen. He comes from, as Pam said, you know, skateboarding and BMX biking type magazines. There's a little thanks in the sidebar to various people and entities that help them. And three of the magazines that are mentioned that already exist are Rolling Stone, GQ, and Sports Illustrated for Kids. And congratulations to two of the three of those for still existing Sports Illustrated for Kids. RIP I think the style in his writing is winning. It's like aiming at the kind of voiceiness that you get from Sassy, but he's not quite there yet. And it just sometimes comes across as like overwritten.
- [06:08]
Host 2
Yes.
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Host 1
In a Dawson's Creek kind of way. Proto Dawson's Creek.
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Host 2
I used to work at the university newspaper, student newspaper. And I recognize a lot of the writing ticks from my days there. Here. I mean, we're all basically the same age, I guess.
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Host 1
Yeah.
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Host 2
Early 20s. And there is a certain naive performative quality to this that I recognized.
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Host 1
Yes. The other problem is that there hasn't. I mean, he's right when he says there hasn't really been a lifestyle magazine for boys before. Like the closeness analog would be something like gq, which is sort of a general interest men's magazine.
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Host 2
Boys Life.
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Host 3
Yeah, Boys Life, sure. Was it not?
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Host 1
They're aiming for something, but they're. They're also trying to develop it. And they're probably not the kinds of guys that GQ editors would think are in their catchment, because they're not. So it's. That's part of the problem too, you know.
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Host 2
The problem is the very first photo inside of this magazine is a bunch of old people.
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Host 1
Well, I thought that was cute. But then the caption is too long. It's just like pictured your editors and their pets. Like, that's all it has to say.
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Host 2
It might be cute, but let's think about first impressions here.
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Host 1
Sure.
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Host 2
This is more of a retrospective, year end kind of thing, maybe.
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Host 1
Right. Or this is more for zines.
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Host 3
Yeah, this is Zini. Even the. Off to the side here with the thanks and the soundtrack. I actually really enjoyed the soundtrack of, like, what we're listening to while we're putting this together. And here's our cover credits and our thanks. Like it. It reads like little PS or extra notes to you as opposed to a professional masthead or whatever. So I liked. I liked this part of it. But, yeah, it's very made on your photocopier.
- [07:44]
Host 1
It is. And shout out to the soundtrack thing. This is a feature that Wired still does in their print edition. At the end, they'll have a list of, like, what helped us put this issue out this month. And it's just like, what we listened to, what we read, what we ate. It's very cute in this sort of way. Moving on. The dirt version of what now is Junk Drawer, which I thought was. That's a pretty good name, I thought.
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Host 2
Yeah, it is. But. Oh, God, this layout's confusing. It changes, like, every six inches. I hate it.
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Host 3
I didn't realize we were still on it. A couple pages later, I was like, oh, it's still the junk Drawer. What's happening? Yeah, it starts with throwbacks, which is like, hey, old stuff's cool again. Here's some old stuff that's cool again. And warning, this will come up a lot. They're into Easy Rider right now. You'll see that throughout.
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Host 1
Yep.
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Host 3
They're into Dr. Seuss stories because they rhyme and tell you things I don't know about. I don't. I don't remember boys being into Cat in a Hat other than they were wearing these hats at concerts and raves and such.
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Host 1
Yeah. And the T shirts had a vogue a few years after this, too. There was a Trend of. Of Dr. Seuss T shirts, too, but this is ahead of there.
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Host 3
Yeah. And then example three is, you know, rock shirts. When did those ever go out of style, one might ask. But they're back in. You guys get your ACDC shirts and. But it says, these are hard to come by unless you have older siblings who still part their hair in the middle. Rolling Stones, Jethro Tull, Thin Lizzy, Def Leppard. When they had a drummer with both arms and live guitar player. Wow.
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Host 2
Well, I like that.
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Host 1
It's fun, you know, Gives you an idea of the kind of edge you're going to be seeing in dirt. So I appreciate that. I love that both of you were
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Host 3
like, I don't know that I need this, like, disaffected.
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Host 1
Well, we are the teen boy jackass watchers of the podcast, I guess, more so than you are.
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Host 3
Just right at you. This. This magazine.
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Host 1
Then they have something called Roll Call, where they just ask five different celebrities they have access to. What motivates them.
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Host 3
Oh, Fred Schneider, who I just checked in on last week at the Venetian for their three day residency. Fred still has, as Dan Roge put it, the best job in the whole entire world. Who wouldn't want to grow up to just be Fred Schneider the whole time? That Fred Schneider is Fred Schneider, which he says, what? What is. What is it? Just waking up. Just.
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Host 1
Sorry.
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Host 3
Just waking up. He says, I'm lucky enough to be able to create my own day. I can wade through six magazines, play records, and ease into my business. When creativity hits, I can even write a song on a napkin. It's great being able to wake up knowing you're in charge. That's because there is no beef D2 song longer than a napkin length in my room. One of his songs was just him going, who's to blame? Over and over again. And now that he's nice and old, he actually, like, there's a lawn that has grown under him and boys leaving balls in his yard. It's the first mention of balls and him just being Matt, who's to blame.
- [10:56]
Host 1
So it's him. It's Sean Palmer, who is a world snowboarding champ. Then Mike G, a gourmet cook, and Jungle Brother Deluxe Scott Ian from Anthrax. And then they're all sort of like, you know, doing my sports motivates me. My daughter motivates me. Love, hate, and a damn good cup of coffee, says Scott Ian. And then Ice Teas is like the length of all of the previous four put together and is basically like, what motivates me is I don't want to go to prison. Like every person I grew up with. And I was like, all right. I'm convinced he had. He had the best answer. But it was also like a real vibe shift from the first four that were sort of more happy. Go lucky.
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Host 3
So, yeah, it is the essay looking for the scholarship. It's lengthy, but it's rough. It's like, yeah, he's like, not being on death row. That's the motivating factor, which. Right.
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Host 1
He says, I mean, I don't know if you've ever talked to anybody on death row. No, I haven't. So I have no further comments about ice tea. Good for him. Keep on keeping on.
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Host 3
And then they do a review of Cirque du Soleil. A quote, vegetarian circus. Lou's like, I hate the circus. But my friend was like, go to this one because there's no animals. And it's cool. And people are bendy. And he's like, yeah, man, this thing's cool. There's a band, there's costumes, and trust me, I used to think the circus was for clowns, but I would recommend Cirque du Soleil to anyone.
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Host 1
I was just more thinking. It's. It's funny to think of a time when, like, Cirque du Soleil was a new phenomenon that someone in America would have to explain. So I appreciate that.
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Host 3
This whole thing, Dirt is like the mini mag of your yearbook. People who did yearbooks, this was around. This was. I did the mini mag in our yearbook and it felt like this. This little insert of. For the other people to know about real culture going on at the time.
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Host 1
This is above Cut and Dry by Spike. It has eight different versions of haircuts. Basically, they've started with long hair and cut it into several different, increasingly shorter versions of how you can look. And our model here is Jeff Tremaine, future co creator of Jackass. As previously mentioned, tag yourself. I am C. They say the best look is D, the Prepster. Where what you're saying in your head is, my college admissions interview is tomorrow, but I like C disheveled. I'm trying out for 21 Jump Street. And Dave, I have known you when you were almost all of these. Not the fishbone, Although that would have been funny.
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Host 2
Yeah, I don't think I could pull off a fishbone. I don't know if he's pulling off the fishbone either, but I don't think
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Host 1
he thinks he is. I think they're just doing a thing.
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Host 2
I don't think I've ever been F Desert Storm either, but, yeah, most of these other ones at some point. Yep.
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Host 3
Well, you know, I need jump street hair. Charming boy. Look at that. Looks the best of all of these here. Although Dee's nice. D's nice, but that just. It's just a nice boy haircut or whatever.
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Host 2
But C and E are low maintenance, so remember the Julius Caesar that summer?
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Host 1
I was surprised to see it here in 1991 because I sort of thought of that as a George Clooney and ER phenomenon, which was three years after this.
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Host 3
Jason had this haircut and all the photos I've seen of him at this era, and he had. It looks like the boy at the coffee shop carrying his. Carrying his. Like gravity's rainbow. Oh, sure, with this hair.
- [14:04]
Host 1
Another subsection of Junk Drawer is Voltage, where they do tech reviews and the first product that they're talking about. I read and it was like, I have no idea what this possibly could be. This ain't no Coleco handheld football game from the fourth grade. But then again, it's not 30 bucks either. The seam as simplistic as getting the handheld games fully. It's another thing where the picture's in the middle and it cuts the column. And I had no idea I was supposed to be reading across.
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Host 3
So hard to read. It's so hard to read.
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Host 1
God, I still at the end of it, reading it properly. I'm not 100% sure what this is, but it doesn't seem like something that has survived into our era.
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Host 2
It's a fancy Game Boy, all right. Not Sega, not Nintendo brand from Japan that never really did big business over here. Okay, you ever heard of Bonk, the video game, which you probably haven't, but that's the system Bonk was on.
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Host 1
Oh, all right. Well, it's only 20 to $60, so it's worth trying out, I guess. Unlike the Sony D35 Discman, which is 399.95. Good God. This must have been like, like the very first Discman on the market because I certainly never paid that for any Discman I ever had. It would be shocking to sell that to a teenager, in my opinion.
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Host 2
And those first generation of disc mans did not do well with their anti skipping technology as I.
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Commercial Announcer
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- [15:56]
Host 3
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Host 2
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- [16:22]
Host 3
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- [16:25]
Host 1
What is this your first date?
- [16:26]
Host 2
Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.
- [16:33]
Host 3
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.
- [16:34]
Host 2
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- [16:39]
Host 3
Liberty.
- [16:40]
Host 2
Liberty.
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Host 3
The feature is very sassy style. It's a real bummer. And this one is about hard knowledge, a gangster story, and this guy has been through it. This is supposed to be like as told to dirt by this guy named Ben.
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Host 2
And they're too scared to edit it.
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Host 1
Yes, they are.
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Host 2
We just better put it all in. He might come for us.
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Host 1
Yeah. Should we soften all these details about multiple people getting stabbed in and out of prison? Nah.
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Host 2
How about the how to shoot somebody with a mercury bullet? No, we should leave that in. We got to leave that in.
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Host 3
Let's in fact twice mention how we got mercury out of our cell's tooth. Oh, my God.
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Host 1
Yeah. It's pages and pages and pages.
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Host 2
It goes odd for. It's half this thing.
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Host 1
It's incredible how long this is for. How at a certain point you're like, I get it. I've seen a movie.
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Host 2
Watch colors, colors, colors, colors, colors, colors, colors.
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Ad Reader
Yeah,
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Host 3
yeah. And I just felt like this is a lot of info on how to kill someone for a young man's magazine's premiere issue.
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Host 1
Sure is.
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Host 3
In a girl's magazine, on tv.
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Host 2
It's educational, Pam.
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Host 3
It was. I learned some shit. We have an article about Ian McKay. These are two really kind of interviews with Ian McKay and Jeff Stanton. Who cares who Jeff Stanton is? He rides motorcycles. I didn't even look him up. That's how much I didn't care. And Ian McKay of Fugazi and Discord Records continuing to not be a sellout. I didn't know that he is. He invented the term straight edge for the song Straight Edge. And he's like, yeah. He's like, sure wish Nazis didn't fuck that up, too. That's not what I meant.
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Host 1
Yeah, well, I did look up Jeff Snanton. The intro to this one page interview with the motocross guy is. Lou is like, this may be the most dull person I've ever talked to. And then you read the interview and it's like, oh, wow, he's not kidding. This guy is just like, I have one interest, and it is motocross to the exclusion of every other thing.
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Host 2
Yeah. My theory is, after not editing the gangster piece, he's like, I gotta make it real again. Yes, he does tell the over the most boring person, but it was a little surprising to read that in A first issue where you're gonna have people in the future, you want to gum on gum it and say, here's the type of stuff I do. And they're reading it. So you just called this guy the most boring man on earth. Do I want to be in dirt?
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Host 1
It worked for Sassy when they had a whole ep, a whole story about Tiffany blowing them off. That never stopped other people talking to them. Anyway, if you are interested in Jeff Stanton Somehow, go to Jeff StantonAdventures.com you can explore the beauty of Michigan on an adventure tour with him.
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Host 2
Yeah, even his name's boring.
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Host 1
Yeah, it is. There's also a fiction story by Lou. It is called Rain, Trains and Pain. This is also too long, in my opinion, and has a couple of issues like rite of passage. That phrase is not R I G H T. It's R I T E. It sounds good.
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Host 3
Good. I've never seen it accidentally written this way, but I was like, I get why you think that.
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Host 1
Sure should be.
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Host 3
You're right.
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Host 2
Like right away.
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Host 1
Yes.
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Host 3
Well, it's just. You're right.
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Host 2
I'm discovering myself. Hong Kong.
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Host 1
But this is also why people think free reign is R E I g N. Because it's like I'm freely reigning over whatever I'm controlling here. But it's not that. It's R E I n the narrator, Roger, or, sorry, the protagonist, whose name is Roger, it's the third person. Talks about how he wasn't allowed to watch TV for a long time and then he got permission and sort of gorged on it. And after that he was bored by it. First of all, can't relate. Second of all, says it came across as being conceited as hell. If he tried to explain to people why he didn't watch tv, but frankly, he knew it was conceited as hell and didn't care. That's not conceit, that's pretention. Thank you.
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Host 3
Lou's doing a lot of work in this fiction piece to be his best salinger. Every boy at this age is like, I'm gonna write the next Holden Field, and this, this ain't it. Here's your warning. Some balls coming at your face. Quote, rolling his wet cling, his wet clothes, the clean ones, into a constipated looking ball, he caught a whiff of something that took a second or two to place. A fungus encrusted synthetic wig soaked in vinegar locked in the trunk of his 1964 Pontiac GTO.
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Host 1
A lot.
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Host 3
But how does a ball look constipated? I don't even understand. While busy showing off that he knows about cars and motorcycles. Also, just sometimes I'm like, where. Where was that wig? Is it also in. Where was the wig? Is the wig in his ship?
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Host 1
I thought the wig was his description of how it smelled after days of not being laundered.
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Host 3
But how does he know what a fungus encrusted synthetic wig soaked in vinegar locked in the trunk of a 1964
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Host 1
Pontiac GTO smells like Pam let him cook. He found him a snob. A simoleon. He wanted to run with it. No, I don't know.
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Host 3
But what is a constipated ball?
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Host 1
I think he probably means impacted.
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Host 3
Dave. No, let Dave answer. He knows he has them.
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Host 1
I assume he means like a ball. It looked like a compact. What comes out after you go to the bathroom when you're constipated.
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Host 2
But I think when you get a big potato poop.
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Host 1
Yes, impacted would be more effective than constipated in this usage, I would think
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Host 3
he has no problem talking about turds and poop later. Isn't this the one where he's talking about as visible as poop in a toilet or whatever? I don't know.
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Host 1
I. I read it, but a lot of it did not absorb. Other than that he spells nickel wrong. It's E. L, not L, E. The one line I thought was good was when he meets someone and who assaults him after he, you know, unsuccessfully tries to hitchhike and describes him as. He could have fit about 60 pages from any book in that gap. I thought was a nice line because it's established earlier in the story that his father runs a used bookstore. But that's the best thing I can say about this story. It's a little indulgent.
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Host 3
I didn't know it was over. I was like, roland, this is not an ending. It just sort of. He ran out of space for saying it was too long. It was also too short somehow, because I was like, what happened? What was the takeaway? It rained on a guy who was hitchhiking and he got beat up.
- [23:13]
Host 1
Life do be like that sometimes. There's one fashion story. It is called low maintenance. And I'm just gonna say a little inside knowledge from someone who has to write magazine stories sometimes or, you know, not magazines, blog posts. We all wear clothes, fashionable or not, and for the most part, everyone is good at wearing them. Just pull them on and you're set. There's little or no skill involved, but when it comes to caring for clothes, that's usually more trouble Than it's worth. Who has the time or even wants to think about hang, drying, pressing, hand wash garments, sanfordizing, blah, blah, blah. This is why intros are hard. They're the worst part of writing.
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Host 2
It was an overcast day in Santa Monica and I sat down with a pair of pants at the diner and it was indulging in a big bowl of buttons.
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Host 3
Webster's defines pants as yeah, this is
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Host 1
by Spike, and it's not his best work. The premise of the store of the fashion story is clothes you can wear that it's fine if you get them dirty, they'll still look good after you dig them out of the laundry pile or whatever. You don't have to iron them, et cetera. The color photos are very bad. They're too busy. They're shooting at this, like, train yard or something. Obviously a place where people do a lot of graffito tagging because there is just dozens and dozens of empty spray paint cans on the ground.
- [24:33]
Host 3
They said they, like, called companies and asked for clothes. And then they called some model friends and asked them to stand here. And so this is what you get. They just went outside with their clothes and their people. One of the models is named not us. And I was like, they want you to know that that's Satan backwards. Like, you're never actually allowed to just say Natas. You have to say that
- [24:55]
Host 1
the black and white photos are better, but they do also feature Marissa. First name spelled wrong. It's Marissa with two S's. And this is Marissa Rabisi, Giovanni's sister. She is a Scientologist.
- [25:07]
Host 3
Above her is Jason Lee on a mo petty, bikie thing of some kind.
- [25:11]
Host 1
Also, are you sure that's him?
- [25:14]
Host 3
That really looks like him?
- [25:16]
Host 1
I don't know. I mean, it's possible because he was a skate guy, but it doesn't. But he doesn't look like.
- [25:20]
Host 3
Weren't they all making that movie that we talked about in Sassy at the same time? Maybe that he was in that all these guys were in. I just assumed that was the same group that he was already filming.
- [25:29]
Host 1
You could be right. They also spelled nickels wrong again here.
- [25:33]
Host 3
If you had a dime for every time they misspelled nickels, you'd have a dime. I would. Okay. Then they give us some advice. Hey, baby, what's your sign? They asked some girls, some ladies, for some advice on do's and don'ts, to tell dudes about how to talk to women. Because why is it so hard to talk to women? What should you do? Where do you put your hands. So they asked. And Karen Catchpole and MC Light and Christina Kelly and Jane Pratt. Some of them took the assignment seriously and some were Christina Kelly.
- [26:17]
Host 1
That's true. Christina's dues are be really cute, preferably Irish. Have tickets to see a really cool band. Her don'ts are don't let me know you like me. Oh, boy. Christina, you are not helping what this project is ostensibly trying to achieve.
- [26:32]
Host 2
What if you're not Irish but you come dressed like a leprechaun? Is that count?
- [26:37]
Host 1
At least it shows you Reddit.
- [26:39]
Host 2
Yeah.
- [26:40]
Host 3
She sent a photo like a Natalie Merchant ad.
- [26:43]
Host 1
Behind.
- [26:44]
Host 3
Behind. She's truly behind a plant. Like, there's a plant in front of her face and her hair is in front of her glasses. And all that's missing is a cat in the other corner.
- [26:52]
Host 1
Yep.
- [26:53]
Host 3
Who's just like, getting ready to play with the. Like, don't date her.
- [26:56]
Host 1
Yeah, yeah. Half her. Half her face is also covered in hair. In her hair. Yeah. At the end, we get a glimpse into the personal lives of the interrogatees. K Little fun fact in the middle of this column about, like, the best date MC Light ever went on was dinner on a yacht. Carries is after a very jealous boyfriend pulled a knife and began chasing her around his dormitory. Kari Worrer ran into New York City's Union Square inner underwear. Talk about traffic grinding to a screeching halt. Yikes, Lou.
- [27:30]
Host 2
Hot, sweet, and sexy.
- [27:32]
Host 1
No, no. The end is needless to say, she dropped that loser like a moldy donut. Okay. Did she press charges also? Yo, and then at the end, because it's called, hey baby, what's your sign? There's a little box that looks like a warning on a pack of cigarettes. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask the girls their zodiac signs. Had I remembered, I think it would have made a real nice touch for the article. Maybe next time. Well, you could have also just not mentioned that. And we would have just thought that the headline was a joke.
- [28:03]
Host 2
Like, you don't have Wipeout.
- [28:04]
Host 1
You don't have to point out how you it up.
- [28:07]
Host 2
Yeah.
- [28:15]
Host 3
A View from the Crowd in Defense of the One Shoed Rock and Roller written by Sidril Mundet. Anyway, I didn't know that was a apple juice. Looked it up. Did you guys know?
- [28:26]
Host 2
Yeah. Somebody wrote too many articles for the original for this and they decided to make it look like it was somebody else. Yeah. Not really realizing one day everybody would know that that wasn't a real name.
- [28:39]
Host 3
Is this a famous apple juice? This is what I'm Wondering.
- [28:42]
Host 2
Yes, this is Mexican apple juice. Soda.
- [28:44]
Host 1
Soda.
- [28:45]
Host 2
Sigil Me Cider. That's somebody's last name who created it. I think it's tasty. It's refreshing.
- [28:51]
Host 1
This is the story about someone at a Perry fair or a Jane's Addiction show throwing a shoe at Perry Farrell. And I just put in the doc. Why have I encountered this Perry Farrell shoe story more this year than my loved ones voices? And it's true.
- [29:05]
Host 3
Because the guy cannot escape Birkenstock.
- [29:07]
Host 1
He doesn't even know about fashion.
- [29:10]
Host 2
Fashion.
- [29:11]
Host 3
This guy is sick. This guy is saying, when this happened at the Cramps, Luxx interior picked up the shoe, filled it with dark red wine and drinks, and why can't Perry just do the same and roll with it? But I would point out that you cannot do that with a Birkenstock. Secondly, it kind of sucks to get pelted with shoes. And I don't really think of it as the fan's ultimate sacrifice to go home with one shoe. It's a dumb thing. And when people were throwing shoes at the Smashing Pumpkins, it was not out of love. It was antagonistic because they started it. So I don't know. I don't agree with this whole take by Mr. Applejuice that when you throw a shoe, the fans are just trying to keep you, like, with them and in love and recognize that we all sacrifice at this concert.
- [29:55]
Host 1
Come on.
- [29:56]
Host 2
Perry Farrell and George Bush have something in common now.
- [29:58]
Host 1
That's true.
- [30:01]
Host 3
More than one probably painting.
- [30:12]
Host 2
Hey, guys, is this your first day on earth? Let me tell you about something called grooming. If you want to take a shower, you're gonna want to use soap and water. The article. This is. This was, as a whole, the saddest thing I think I've read all month anywhere.
- [30:28]
Host 1
It's still.
- [30:29]
Host 3
You read the gangster story. Yeah.
- [30:31]
Host 2
It's just like. It's like baby's first hygiene.
- [30:34]
Host 1
Tip it truly, guys, I know there's
- [30:37]
Host 2
people out there that are very unaware of how they smell and how they present themselves, but not to this degree. Not to soap and water is a good idea.
- [30:45]
Host 1
Pam is telling us this may not be that far off for people that are engaging with teens and they get
- [30:51]
Host 3
angry when you try to tell them, you know, you're supposed to rinse conditioner a little bit more than that.
- [30:57]
Host 1
I'm fine, I'm fine.
- [30:59]
Host 3
I like it. You're like, you're gonna sleep on that, and then you're gonna get acne on your face, and you're gonna be upset about that. Because you have too much.
- [31:05]
Host 1
Just stop telling me about it.
- [31:07]
Host 3
Just stop telling me about it. Okay, well, everything smells. Maybe you should put deodorant in your mom. Leave me alone.
- [31:13]
Host 2
So that's what I'm hearing, is Pam hung out with really stinky people, and I didn't.
- [31:18]
Host 1
I'm talking about my own.
- [31:18]
Host 3
I'm talking about a child yesterday.
- [31:22]
Host 2
True then, true now.
- [31:26]
Host 3
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is about just not being able to smell Pam.
- [31:32]
Host 2
This is how they gained their independence. They're going to stop loving you soon.
- [31:35]
Host 3
And that. I know. I know this. I'm trying to do a movie night on Saturday night. I had to send it to the group family chat with, like, a.
- [31:42]
Host 1
Please.
- [31:43]
Host 2
Oh, how much money? How much money you're giving your kid
- [31:46]
Host 1
to go out to this family, by the way? You know, we got calls about that.
- [31:51]
Host 3
I know we got calls about it, and I'm happy about this. But I. I want you to know that so far, hasn't taken me up on the offer to pay, but she doesn't want to.
- [31:58]
Host 2
She doesn't want to set. Set that precedent. She doesn't want it because then, like, you'll just up the. You'll be. I'll give you 30 bucks. She's like, mom, I just don't want to hang out with you anymore. I'm sorry. No amount of money's gonna help it.
- [32:09]
Host 3
Last night, I walked upstairs and found her in her room in her bed reading the Outsiders while listening to Radiohead. My work here is done. But also, some deodorant would be nice.
- [32:22]
Host 1
Yeah. They say, watch your face. Good. Good note.
- [32:25]
Host 2
Good call.
- [32:25]
Host 1
They also say being around oil will make you more prone to breakouts, whereas Sassy said it wasn't.
- [32:31]
Host 2
Better get your story straight.
- [32:33]
Host 1
And it turns out dirt was right. And we will link it in the show notes. Yes, working in fast food can cause acne. And on the skincare tip, incredible. They spelled Noxzema right twice in the product listing. And still nickel wrong twice.
- [32:50]
Host 3
I would have preferred they just mentioned how much cologne, because they were like, go to town. Be a fancy man. Put some cologne on you. It'll give you style in class. And that is a real problem.
- [32:59]
Host 2
Yeah.
- [32:59]
Host 3
In this Drakkar Noir world that this
- [33:02]
Host 2
dirt group was entering, that is the evil opposite. That is the goatee of being stinky. It's like, here I am, not stinky anymore. I smell so much. I've created colors.
- [33:14]
Host 1
Colors. Well, colors. Colors, yes. Someone should have told These boys, if you can smell yourself, you have too much cologne on. All right, let's talk about some ads, because there are some right on the inside cover. We've got an ad for the Nike Air Moab mowab. I guess because they didn't want to get sued by Moab county in Utah. I have no idea why they spelled it this dumb way, but the extra
- [33:50]
Host 2
B is for bar.
- [33:52]
Host 1
Sure, but this is the top 10 reasons to start outdoor cross training. Some of them include, big fat guy at gym started wearing zebra skin tights. No hot dog vendors on trail. Not sure how that's a plus. Few forest creatures have cellular phones. This is how long ago it was. No Bow House architecture in nature. Why are you mad at Bow House? And deer do is smaller than dog do. I'll give you that one. Dog do is very unpleasant to come across unawares, but you can hardly tell what these shoes even look like. This is clearly just an identity ad as opposed to a product ad, in my opinion.
- [34:31]
Host 2
Yeah, it looks like they spent more time on the graphic on the sole of the shoe than they did with the actual shoe itself.
- [34:36]
Host 1
It does. You can almost, but not quite see up the model's shorts.
- [34:41]
Host 3
That. That was really what I thought you had selected that ad for was to be like, you can really see up this guy's shorts, but you can't.
- [34:49]
Host 1
There's also an ad for the Swatch Scuba 200 with the slogan we do it deeper. Which is how you can tell. In case you forgot, this is the boy magazine. This is not sassy with the we do it deeper. Balls deep, you might say.
- [35:03]
Host 2
But they don't. I don't get it.
- [35:05]
Host 3
They wouldn't.
- [35:07]
Host 2
But the watch itself is pretty girly. So I don't know.
- [35:10]
Host 1
It is sending mischievous.
- [35:12]
Host 2
I mean, it looks nice, I guess, for a swatch. I don't like swatches, but all right. That's right.
- [35:18]
Host 3
My list of that's things I didn't know about. Dave doesn't like a swatches.
- [35:24]
Host 2
They're too loud. I want to watch that's more elegant and kind of, you know, I don't. I don't need a statement piece on my wrist.
- [35:30]
Host 1
You don't need to watch at all. You never had a watch until you got an Apple watch.
- [35:33]
Host 2
Yeah, but I love my Apple watch.
- [35:35]
Host 1
You do.
- [35:36]
Host 3
Continuing the trend of ads for boys, a couple pages later, we have for Gotcha Sportswear. Do you want to get wet?
- [35:42]
Host 1
Okay.
- [35:43]
Host 3
And it's a dude in full clothes with a hat and shoes and an accent. He is the guitar underwater.
- [35:53]
Host 2
Wrong side for the hole though, buddy.
- [35:54]
Host 3
Yeah, if you're gonna a guitar, maybe do it in the five feet between the hole.
- [36:00]
Host 2
Just like the ladies.
- [36:01]
Host 3
Yuck. Did I tell you about a guy that I almost sort of didn't really date? Because that's the story of all my high school boyfriends who told me that he loved his guitar so much that if it had a hole, he would fuck it. You're right, it did have a hole. I guess maybe. Wouldn't it have had a hole? At least one is an electric guitar holess. I haven't looked at it in a while. Okay, well then that's what it must have been some sort of bass. But in any event.
- [36:22]
Host 2
Well, if it's electric guitar, he's got. Here's the deal. Here's the problem, Pam. It has one. It's where he's sticking the jack and it's really small.
- [36:30]
Host 1
There you go.
- [36:30]
Host 3
Well, too small. You hope you spell his name without any vowels. So that's the kind of dirt reading dude this was.
- [36:38]
Host 1
Oh, geez, gosh, do you want to get wet?
- [36:41]
Host 3
All right, Dutch tunes, boys. We want to help you get to third base. The fastest way to get to third base. We mean the band. I'm rushing for Dave, so quickly that I talking and vamping trying to find page fucking 13.
- [36:57]
Host 1
Just call Touch Tunes to hear the new third bass album pop those the Weasel or any of the latest releases, et cetera.
- [37:04]
Host 3
Yeah, so this is. You can. You can listen to rock, progressive, urban and metal before you buy it. Says you can hear recommendations and reviews. Reviews from bold italics noted, national critics. And so you call this 900 number and hit a button and you can listen to a couple seconds of Paula Abdul or Ziggy Marley or Imperial Car Inspiral.
- [37:28]
Host 1
Spiral Carpets.
- [37:29]
Host 3
Is it in Spiral carpets? Most of these bands, I was like, who the hell are these people? I remember Spiral Carpets, the Kinsey Report.
- [37:36]
Host 1
No, that was new to me. And that's a great name for a band that's pretty funny.
- [37:40]
Host 3
Cycle Sluts from Hell. This was a lot of. I was like, what is going on? Son of Berserk with their album Berserk. Berserk, Berserk. But Touchstone Touchtunes also gave you a helpful hint. You could press 3 to skip review, 3 to skip to the next song so that you were saving some time. But then on top of that, they have call safe. 18 seconds of free hang up. Time precedes all charges. And that's how I would have figured out how to listen to all of these things for free. 18 seconds at a time. Page 15.
- [38:10]
Host 1
We've got a Rock the Vote ad illustrated with a, you know, painting. Very edgy painting of Uncle Sam.
- [38:19]
Host 2
By who?
- [38:20]
Host 1
It looks like Garfield.
- [38:21]
Host 2
No, I think it's Gorefield.
- [38:23]
Host 1
It does look. You're right.
- [38:24]
Host 2
He loves gores. Lorzania.
- [38:26]
Host 1
Yes, but it's not. His name is Josh Gosfield. He also did another one for Rock the Vote where, which is about censorship with a hand over the guy's face. We'll link it in the show notes
- [38:36]
Host 2
is just doy with a T. He's still at it.
- [38:41]
Host 1
But this was about having her somewhere trying to send in your, you know, your support for the motor voter bill. And the fact that I still remember this 35 years later, not having lived in America at the time is really a testament to how many magazines I was reading back then.
- [38:58]
Host 3
They really pushed this thing, this motor voter bill.
- [39:00]
Host 1
They did.
- [39:01]
Host 3
I remember I put it. I think I put it in the yearbook. It was everywhere. Yep.
- [39:05]
Host 1
On page 17. You've seen them for ladies in Sassy. But did you know art carved class rings are also available for boys who have fingers, too. They are your personal best. Deserves the best. According to art carved and man alive. These are some chunky class rings that are depicted here. And they're very men's namey, too. Legacy, All American and medalist.
- [39:29]
Host 2
They all look like Green Lantern rings.
- [39:32]
Host 1
They do. They're awful.
- [39:34]
Host 2
But I think my favorite part is just like, what's happening with this guy? He seems like he's. It seems like a suicide ad photo. Oh, don't do it, guy.
- [39:43]
Host 3
First of all, he's pregnant. And you know he's pregnant because of the way they've shot him. Like a girl who's pregnant, which is. She was halfway to gym, but she hasn't taken off her loafers and socks. Her outfit.
- [39:55]
Host 1
Yeah.
- [39:56]
Host 3
She's bathed in the shame light, not knowing what she's gonna do.
- [39:59]
Host 2
I don't know. I think this guy just fumbled the winning touchdown pass and everybody else has left him no after party for this guy. So it's like, that's it for me. I'm done. Me, Steve
- [40:13]
Host 3
medalist, on page 28, we have our little tiny side ads. Don't forget REM. Just right to REM. Who knows? And also, you don't forget to call and insult me and win.
- [40:26]
Host 1
Hey, Kate.
- [40:28]
Host 3
Yep. But here, in between the two of them, here's an ad for boxers. 12incher. These boxers have a glow in the dark ruler on the crotch. Come on, guys. It's 12 inches. You have to send 11.95 to Optimistic Entertainment.
- [40:43]
Host 2
Not $12.
- [40:44]
Host 3
No, no. Just under. And it says the conversation fits. Because it's not. It's not a full 12. It's never gonna be.
- [40:51]
Host 2
Right.
- [40:52]
Host 3
The conversation piece for fun and laugh. Someone has written in pen, handwritten.
- [40:57]
Host 1
Yep.
- [40:59]
Host 2
Just notice that.
- [41:00]
Host 3
It's great.
- [41:01]
Host 1
Ruler glows. Ruler glows. Ruler glows all around.
- [41:06]
Host 3
The ad with so many, exclamation point.
- [41:08]
Host 2
But given the nature of the product. Did you see the company name there?
- [41:12]
Host 3
Yeah. Optimistic Entertainment.
- [41:14]
Host 2
Optimistic Entertainment.
- [41:15]
Host 1
Not bad. And on our back cover. Tell us about.
- [41:19]
Host 3
We did it, Dave. This is an ad for Code Zero. And so it's just a dude. Just like Marky Mark in the Marky mark pose where you're flashing someone but fully clothed, and it says code Zero everywhere.
- [41:31]
Host 1
He's got. He's wearing tapered, like, large, relaxed fit jeans, but they're tapered so they really. The combination of the legs and the black shoes on his feet make it really. It's a little piglet effect. That's all I'll say. I'm not saying he's fat. I'm saying he looks like he has got piggy legs.
- [41:47]
Host 2
He works on a farm, and so he looks like, to me, got farm legs.
- [41:52]
Host 3
The whole thing is flasher chic. And right to where they're, like, not letting us see his face. This is someone you're supposed to identify later in a lineup, not how you close out your new magazine for young men in a whim. In a girl's magazine.
- [42:05]
Host 1
Yep.
- [42:05]
Host 3
Why? So triggering.
- [42:07]
Host 1
All right. Do you want to talk about this probe that you put in the doc? I didn't even include it. Is this. I mean, it's not an ad, really?
- [42:14]
Host 3
No, no. Dave doesn't have time because the questions they're asking these boys are way more interesting than any question they've asked any girl in the history of sassy.
- [42:22]
Host 2
We got 10 minutes. Let's go.
- [42:24]
Host 3
All right, so it says, first of all, the fine print is crazy. The fine print is like, Pam's reading this. And if you're Pam, congratulations, we've thrown some extra shit in for you, which is if you respond to this, 250 dudes are gonna get a free tape. But here are some questions. A vague section. Do you're. Do you know anyone famous? It's a great question all the way. It's an ordinary weekday. For the sake of argument, we'll say it's a Tuesday. What are you gonna wear today? Who do you respect?
- [42:49]
Host 2
Poor Question, though. Number two, what if I just say yes?
- [42:52]
Host 1
Do you know anyone?
- [42:53]
Host 3
That's all you have to say. Vague questions get vague.
- [42:55]
Host 2
I don't think that's what they want, though. I think they want who.
- [42:57]
Host 3
I don't think so.
- [42:58]
Host 2
But that's not what do you what the question will deliver.
- [43:01]
Host 3
What was the last good birthday or Christmas present you received?
- [43:04]
Host 2
Oh, I just got Masala Mac.
- [43:07]
Host 3
See, I want to ask Dave all these questions. You go, let's do it at a slumber party.
- [43:11]
Host 2
All right.
- [43:12]
Host 1
Yeah, that's good.
- [43:12]
Host 3
We don't have that kind of time. We'll save it.
- [43:14]
Host 2
All right.
- [43:14]
Host 3
I want to. We'll probe Dave for dirt sake. Okay.
- [43:18]
Host 2
I hope there's a lot of testicle questions because I feel like we've been testicle light given the how things started.
- [43:23]
Host 3
You also get to rate the articles of dirt on a scale of 1 to 10. That'll be.
- [43:27]
Host 2
By the way, have you tried testicle light? It's now called Testicle Zero Sugar, but it's pretty good.
- [43:36]
Host 1
Next time it's the September 1981 slumber party episode. We'll be sharing our results from the latest quiz Are youe School Phobic? We'll apparently also be giving Dave the questions in the Probe reader survey at the back.
- [43:50]
Host 3
Don't look ahead, Dave. Some of these you could look up and get the answers to. Don't do it, Dave.
- [43:54]
Host 2
I won't, I won't, I won't look.
- [43:56]
Host 1
And we'll be playing some of your latest voicemail emails, including about Pam paying her child to spend time with her. So get those in if you have Comments on it. 7:20 Sassy. Go or write in your browser@listentosassy.com hotline.
- [44:10]
Host 2
All right. For Pam's plug, Pam would like to plug Paying your kid to love.
- [44:17]
Host 3
You can call us at 7:20 Sassy. Go like we told you. Leave us a voicemail or, I don't know, talk about the magazine, the show, how many brushes in your drawer. We need to know. We play it on a future episode. You can find information for us for. For. You can find out information about us at. Listen to Sassy. Go to Listen to sassy dot com.
- [44:36]
Host 1
Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. Dave's got to go. Bye bye.
- [44:41]
Host 2
Thank.
- [44:49]
Host 3
You.
- [44:54]
Commercial Announcer
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Host 2
a sausage biscuit to hash browns and
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Commercial Announcer
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Host 2
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Host 3
Prices may be higher for delivery, so
- [45:10]
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- [46:08]
Narrator
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