Special: Tandoori Lady

Summary

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s Episode: Special: Tandoori Lady Release Date: December 24, 2024

Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, David T. Cole

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Introduction

In this special episode titled "Tandoori Lady," hosts Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, and David T. Cole dive deep into their unforgettable trip to Hawaii, blending humor, mishaps, and memorable encounters. This episode not only captures the essence of their adventures but also intertwines nostalgic reflections reminiscent of the beloved Sassy magazine era.

Departure Blues: The Last Day in Hawaii

As the trio approaches the final day of their Hawaiian getaway, a palpable sense of melancholy sets in. Tara notes, “[00:01] Pam: When you don't get what you want Aloha sounds really sarcastic...” highlighting the underlying frustrations of their trip.

Pam echoes these sentiments, saying, “[01:32] Pam: Yes, that's true. We're not ready to go,” emphasizing how swiftly time flew by. The hosts reminisce about the rapid pace of their week, with Tara adding, “[01:36] Tara: No, we feel it’s too short.”

Stargazing Shenanigans: The Case of Greg the Tour Guide

David recounts his disappointments with the stargazing tour, stating, “[02:11] Dave: This is my fourth trip here to Hawaii. And every time I wanted to go stargazing...”. The anticipation of clear skies was dashed when clouds obscured the view, leading Pam to sarcastically describe the experience as, “[02:59] Pam: I was telling Dave it felt like stargazing for the blind...”

The hosts collectively criticize their tour guide Greg’s performance. Tara remarks, “[03:22] Tara: His name was Greg,” followed by Pam's humorous yet critical observations: “[03:25] Pam: He looked like Tim Calhoun. He had absolutely no upper lip.”

A particularly frustrating moment occurs when Greg, unable to engage the group, resorts to clichéd jokes about constellations, provoking Tara’s exasperation: “[06:32] Pam: Right? So corny.”

Encounter with the Tandoori Lady

One of the episode’s standout moments is their encounter with the enigmatic "Tandoori Lady" at Hapuna Beach. Described vividly by Pam, “[20:08] Dave: Because this woman, while she was there because. Completely shadeless...,” the Tandoori Lady is portrayed as an almost mythical figure—extremely tanned, thin, and perpetually in bikini attire.

Tara adds a humorous twist by co-creating a parody song about her:

Tara: "She's a lady. She's a lady. Talking about that little lady and the lady is mine."

Pam: "She looked like she had tanned so much that all layers of her epidermis had just peeled away."

This playful banter not only lightens the narrative but also cements the Tandoori Lady as a memorable character in their Hawaiian saga.

Zipline Adventures: Becoming the Target Lady

The hosts share their exhilarating yet chaotic experiences on a zipline tour. Pam humorously recounts, “[27:15] Dave: They thought you were insane,” referring to her over-the-top reactions during the zipline ride. Tara complements this by saying, “[30:09] Pam: We were walking from one zip to the other, and Pam got nicknamed the 'panic girl'.”

Their antics on the zipline, including slapstick moments like Pam’s mishaps and Tara’s accidental spills, add a layer of humor and relatability to their adventure narrative.

Spa Day and the Lava Sauna Fiasco

The trio’s attempt at relaxation takes an unexpected turn during their visit to the "lava sauna." Pam describes the awkwardness of sharing mud baths and navigating newfound vulnerabilities:

Pam: “I had to basically go into the path that we had walked into and let lay down with some ants under a bush. It was not glamorous.”

Tara and Dave add to the humor with their recounting of mishaps and playful interactions, such as Tara spilling water on Pam’s mud-covered attire, leading to laughs and light-hearted teasing.

Volcano National Park: Lost in Lava Trees and Autograph Rituals

Their exploration of Volcano National Park introduces them to the fascinating yet challenging landscapes dominated by lava trees and active volcanoes. Tara expresses frustration over lost opportunities: “[87:45] Pam: They didn't release that. And all the things that we looked at, they did not have a 'here's what we closed off today' alert.”

Amidst the natural beauty, they grapple with navigating restricted areas and dealing with unexpected closures, leading to a blend of disappointment and determination to make the most of their visit.

Culinary Capers: Sushi, Pizza, and Coffee Misadventures

Food becomes a recurring theme of both joy and frustration. Pam’s attempts at ordering gourmet sushi with a twist, such as adding macadamia nuts, are met with mixed results:

Pam: “It was really, really good.”

Conversely, her foray into building a custom pizza results in an over-the-top, excessively topped creation, culminating in Tara’s humorous rhymes:

Tara: "She's a lady. She never gonna blanch. Try her with a side of ranch.”

Additionally, their visit to a Kona coffee farm turns sour when expectations of a friendly tour are unmet, leading Pam to sarcastically critique the experience: “[100:35] Pam: He didn’t even offer a tour.”

Final Reflections: Songs, Jokes, and Unforgettable Memories

As the trip winds down, the hosts channel their experiences into creative expressions. Tara and Pam collaboratively craft a parody song honoring the Tandoori Lady, filled with witty lines and playful jabs:

Tara: "She's a lady. She's a lady. Talking about that little lady and the lady is mine."

Pam: "She's super thin and wispy and she tastes like extra crispy. She's a lady."

These moments of creativity underscore the camaraderie and enduring bonds formed through shared adventures and misadventures.

Conclusion

"Special: Tandoori Lady" offers listeners a humorous and heartfelt recounting of a whirlwind Hawaiian trip fraught with challenges, laughter, and unexpected encounters. Through candid conversations and vivid storytelling, Tara, Pam, and Dave paint a vivid picture of friendship tested and strengthened by the chaos and beauty of travel. This episode serves as a nostalgic nod to their Gen-X roots, echoing the spirit of Sassy magazine by celebrating the highs and lows of life with wit and warmth.

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Notable Quotes:

• Pam [00:01]: "When you don't get what you want Aloha sounds really sarcastic."
• Tara [01:36]: "No, we feel it’s too short."
• Dave [02:11]: "This is my fourth trip here to Hawaii. And every time I wanted to go stargazing..."
• Pam [03:25]: "He looked like Tim Calhoun. He had absolutely no upper lip."
• Tara [06:32]: "So corny."
• Pam [20:08]: "She looked like she had tanned so much that all layers of her epidermis had just peeled away."
• Pam [30:09]: "We were walking from one zip to the other, and Pam got nicknamed the 'panic girl'."
• Pam [55:54]: "She loved bamboo. That's where I'm not sure what the code is."
• Tara [104:44]: "She's a lady. She's a lady. Talking about that little lady and the lady is mine."

These quotes capture the essence of their experiences, blending frustration, humor, and camaraderie throughout the episode.

Transcript

[Pam]

Hi, Lindsey. I'm wondering if I can put my name on the list if. I'm on my way there already. Okay. And you don't make reservations? No, there's just three of us. How long is the wait? Right now. Okay. Oh, okay. Well, thanks. Alright, bye. Bye. When you don't get what you want Aloha sounds really sarcastic she's all you'd.

[Tara]

Ever want she's the kind we like to float and take to dinner.

[Pam]

Well.

[Tara]

She always knows a place she's got style, she's got grace She's a winner She's a lady Whoa, whoa, whoa She's a lady Talking about that little lady and the lady is mine.

[Dave]

This is episode 32 of the Overwhelming positive positivity podcast. This episode, Tandoori Lady.

[Pam]

Okay, Tara, start.

[Tara]

So it's the last day. I think people's spirits have picked up a little. But earlier we all had a case. The case of the last. Everyone was a little subdued and sad. Cause we all had to leave tomorrow.

[Pam]

Yes, that's true. We're not ready to go.

[Tara]

No, we. It feels too short.

[Pam]

It was the fastest week of all time.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

There was a time on Sunday where I was like, I can't believe we're gonna be.

[Dave]

Except for yesterday.

[Pam]

No, yesterday. Good God. I am looking at Venus right now and I'm mad at it.

[Tara]

Well, let's talk about what did we do yesterday, Dave.

[Pam]

Yeah, Dave.

[Dave]

This is my fourth trip here to Hawaii. And every time I wanted to go stargazing because, you know, we're in the middle of nowhere. And then you can go on the top of the mountain on the island in the middle of nowhere. So we have nest. Middles of nowheres. And the stargazing is supposed to be absolutely spectacular.

[Pam]

They said we were how much percent over the atmosphere? 40% above the atmosphere.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

That's impressive.

[Dave]

Yeah. And everybody says it's always clear. Maybe like one or two days a month it'll be cloudy. And every time I've hit those cloudy days and haven't gone up to the summit, the day we're gonna go up was all clouded over. And they'd cancel all their stu. So this time we went up there and we got to the summit, we did all that tour shit. And we pull the van over to the side of the road and get out.

[Tara]

And he's got a telescope.

[Dave]

He's got the telescope set up and it's clouded over. And he's talking for like a fucking hour in freezing weather.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And all I can see are fuzzy little Points of light, kind of. I can see more down at the beach.

[Pam]

I was telling Dave it felt like stargazing for the blind. Like it was a book on tape where he was like, oh, I wish you could see this, because right under this pointing at this haze. Oh, normally it is gorgeous. And there are times, if you had been here that were not now, you would see so many things. Let's talk a little bit about our tour guide.

[Tara]

His name was Greg.

[Pam]

He looked like Tim Calhoun. He had absolutely no upper lip.

[Tara]

Yeah, he didn't. That's true.

[Pam]

It was as if he had it surgically removed.

[Dave]

Wow.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

I didn't notice that he had to.

[Tara]

Bite it off from when he was married, you know.

[Pam]

Oh, right. Ladies.

[Dave]

Sheila.

[Tara]

Jesus.

[Pam]

This guy starts with making us all go around the bus saying where we're from and let's all make some connections. He had that tick at the end of every sentence that was annoying.

[Tara]

Yeah. That was to cue you that it was time for you to laugh at his. Very small part of the awkwardness was that we might have not been the three youngest people on the tour, but we were the three youngest native English speakers. Because the other two people that may have been younger than us, they were from Germany.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

So they didn't really have anything to say to anybody.

[Pam]

Right.

[Tara]

And then all the other people were at least 50, and they all bonded with each other immediately.

[Pam]

Well, a number of them were related by marriage.

[Tara]

Yes. There was a couple. And then her, I think was her sister.

[Pam]

Right.

[Tara]

And then two other unrelated couples, one of whom had some kind of chronic gas problem.

[Pam]

And we know this stuff not because we made a connection, but because they were vocal about. And then Mr. McFarlane. Good, good God. Good freaking God. I, I, I'm still so mad. We were, I was, I. We stop at one place to get food. They bring us to this old Brokeback mountainy ranch, this old sheep ranch. And it's rainy and that's fine. It was lovely. And it was like Dave's photography camp, we were calling it, because it was nothing. But I thought I was standing next to Dave because I was taking a picture and someone was sitting next to me. And I said, no, I didn't think I was standing next to Dave because he was farting. Every time I tell the story, that sounds like that's what I mean.

[Dave]

Although we wouldn't blame you.

[Pam]

I thought I was standing next to Dave and I was taking a picture and I said to the man next to me, oh, it's starting to rain. And then his answer Was a resounding in. In my. And I.

[Dave]

Was that the first time you heard him fart?

[Pam]

Yes, because he's okay. Was he doing it the whole ride up?

[Dave]

Well, that's what I'm asking. Because there was moments when you were. You were. I have some pictures of you in the bus looking back at me with utter horror and disguise.

[Tara]

That was the tour guide and the talking.

[Pam]

Yeah, that was the tour guide who couldn't stop making the lamest, lamest jokes and when he wasn't getting laughs, just resorted to women be crazy. Am I right?

[Tara]

The problem was they weren't even. That they weren't so offensive that you could be like, could you knock it off?

[Pam]

Right?

[Tara]

So corny.

[Pam]

Right?

[Tara]

So stupid. And it doesn't help that a lot of what he's talking about is like, you know, pointing out the different peaks and saying, this one is where the goddess Palabala, I forget her name, the snow goddess, lives on one, and then Pele, the fire goddess, lives on the other. You know, what do sisters like to do? They like to fight. Like, you know, the myths are inherently kind of sexy. But he's not adding anything to them.

[Dave]

He was like the jokes from Yeehaw without the country twang, you know, like the only thing he did, instead of popping up in the cornfield, he's popping up in the volcano.

[Pam]

He was like, you. You ladies will like looking at this star because it's shiny. It's got everything you like color, cut, clarity, and price. Am I right?

[Tara]

Huh?

[Pam]

Come look at this one.

[Tara]

It's the twinkliest diamond you'll ever see. And then pointed out Venus and said, this is the planet where you're from, ladies.

[Pam]

Yeah, you'll want to come see this when it's your home planet.

[Dave]

And Andromeda's boobies.

[Pam]

And then Andromeda's boobies. He's got his little laser pointer of shit we can't see. And he's like, over here would be Andromeda's head, her boobies, and her feet. And I was about to say boobies, and then the guy in front of me in the pitch freaking black, right in my face again. And I didn't know I had this. You know, they don't say when you have your fight or flight and fight or flight or fart, I run. I ran. I got up. I wasn't even slightly polite. I ran. And he already knew because. Because when we got out to look at another cold spot, we have not even mentioned that this is a below freezing tour. That Dave took us on. We had to get out of our swimsuits and put on multi layers of clothes.

[Tara]

And they weren't even the layers. We put on makeup.

[Pam]

No.

[Tara]

We were up at the top of Mauna Kea, which we learned from the mall, is actually the highest. Is it that one or the other? Yeah, it's the highest mountain. It's the tallest mountain on earth by. From sea level.

[Pam]

Right.

[Tara]

So, I mean, I would have. If I realized how cold it was going to be, I would have brought log johns.

[Pam]

It was so bitingly. Fingers falling off, burning hot cold.

[Tara]

So much snow.

[Pam]

I am looking out the window right now as we are driving to Kona and I am seeing more stars than we saw last night.

[Tara]

It's really true.

[Pam]

It's gorgeous. Just Dave. It's too bad you can't see it right now.

[Tara]

When we were driving back on Tuesday from Hilo, we pulled over at one point to the side of the road just because Dave happened to spot some stars. And it really. That small square of the sky that we saw that night, it was more than we saw last time.

[Pam]

So at one point we all have to get out of a really cold place and to go look at a silver sword fern. Right. A succulent. It's a succulent and it's caged off and we have to walk and we all have to stand and stare at it. When we get back into the van, homeboy has let one go. First of all, this is the most I've ever talked about farting in my life. It's also the most I've ever said the word. It is unbelievable. He let. He let go something that was so fucking foul that we lost it. We were like the tweens on the trip.

[Tara]

We were really the bad teenagers.

[Pam]

I couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't stop. Stop smooshing my face into things. We couldn't breathe. We couldn't breathe.

[Tara]

German across the aisle from me was giving me a dirty look. I was horrified to think he might think it was me. It was awful.

[Pam]

And he.

[Dave]

And it was the ace. I smell fascist, these Americans.

[Pam]

And then. And the worst part is this guy so, so, so cavalier about his flatulence problem that he's also non stop chatty guy who has to talk to the tour guide all the time and like, out joke, joke guy and like, ha, ha, ha. Good thing we have a doctor in.

[Dave]

The house and answer all the rhetorical questions.

[Tara]

So if you look over here.

[Pam]

Okay, okay.

[Tara]

He had to pipe up like, maybe it was that. It was so dark. He felt like wasn't getting enough feedback.

[Pam]

I said to Dave last night, it said like he thought he was on the phone. Uh huh. Yeah.

[Tara]

Really?

[Pam]

And where would I look that up? Uh huh. Uh hu.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

So that was cold.

[Tara]

That was Thursday.

[Pam]

That was last night.

[Tara]

That was. I think that was the low point of the. If I may not just because I mean.

[Dave]

And you can see when it's clear up there. You can see 5,000 million trillion stars up there.

[Pam]

I don't believe you.

[Dave]

You see the pictures?

[Pam]

I think those pictures are photoshopped. I also made it look like we saw a million stars. I used Photoshop.

[Dave]

You made it look like there was three dozen stars.

[Pam]

Well, it was three dozen more than we saw.

[Dave]

That's true.

[Tara]

What made it worse is that this was Dave's pet outing. And no one was more annoyed about it than Dave.

[Pam]

Yeah, no, I feel really bad. I still got to see the rings of Saturn. I thought it was a beautiful sunset.

[Dave]

Who sees?

[Tara]

Ladies love rings, right?

[Pam]

Ladies love rings. Ladies, ladies. It's the only ring you're getting, honey, so you better look good.

[Dave]

Get in the kitchen and make me a fucking sandwich, Tila. All right, go.

[Pam]

And then the cookies, Remember?

[Dave]

It was like it was the Cookie Monster.

[Pam]

All you cookie monsters, all you cookie.

[Dave]

Monsters could have some cookies.

[Tara]

I mean, once it would have been like, okay, that's sort of cute. But he must have used the expression cookie monster 25 times in our four hour.

[Pam]

And then Dave was like, although, be careful, ladies, am I right? Don't want that going right to the hips. Cookie monsters. And then he said to. Then he said, oh.

[Tara]

And then at one point he said.

[Pam]

Oh my God, we're trying to hide in the dark. And with this point, we are making fun of everything all the time, quietly, like the assholes that we are. At the back of the quietly.

[Dave]

In the dead of silence. You know, you could just like, you know, breathe and it would carry them out. They heard everything.

[Tara]

At one point that was so obnoxious that Dave. Dave Cole shushed me. That's how quiet it was. I heard it.

[Pam]

He's pointing out constellations we can't see. And he says, anybody here?

[Tara]

Oh God.

[Pam]

Anybody here? Sagittarius? Any Sagittarians? Sorry? Me, mister? No, I'm just kidding.

[Tara]

I think I went.

[Pam]

I think you went, yeah. Very quiet. And he was like, which one? Who is that? And he comes at us with the green pointer and the three of us.

[Tara]

Kind of flattened against the bus. We're not here.

[Pam]

We looked like we were Smoking like we looked like we should have been smoking, like behind the high school, against the wall. And he comes up in the dark going, which way? And then he says to, I assume, Dave.

[Tara]

And not only that, he says, which one? And I don't think I even said.

[Pam]

E. Nobody said a word.

[Tara]

Nobody said anything like that.

[Pam]

We stopped talking.

[Tara]

I regret everything.

[Pam]

It was like we got caught by the teacher. And he goes, does she think she's the center of the universe, huh? She's the center of everything. She has to be like the center of everything, doesn't she? And then Dave walks away in the dark. And I'm laughing in that honky. I can't breathe, right? Can't breathe. No one can see me. But he's asking a question. Nobody's answering, but I'm laughing so it looks like I'm Tara's wife. I'm Tara's wife and I don't know how to answer this question. And Dave is our patiently gay friend. And then Dave walks up to me.

[Dave]

I was getting into that. I did not want to encourage, be a part of this. Did not want to have my name have a endorsement of his stuff, you know, by answering him, God, stay out of it.

[Pam]

Dave walks over to me at one.

[Dave]

Point, no, it was a lose, lose.

[Pam]

Situation in the dark, and goes, hey, who am I? And I ran again. Didn't even mean to run, ran. Oh, God, we were so bad. Oh, that was the other one. And then he said, let me explain how you can see stars and why they twinkle and, you know, they've got to get through the atmosphere to explain all this stuff. And then he says, so what you're looking at is really. Oh, and he did a lot of Star Trek jokes, right? We had Commander George and now Commander Obama about explaining the trillion dollar deficit. And I said, I learned that from C Span. And you said, I learned that from the Daily Show. But then he says, okay, so this light you're looking at is, you know, four years old. I mean, imagine. Imagine four years ago. We all looked a lot better, didn't we? And I said to you, not quietly, and that was before I had the cleft palate surgery. So four years ago, I actually was kind of messed up. And I've been through a lot of painful surgeries. I don't like to bring that part of my life up. And she's all, wah, wah. And then I was a Cookie Monster and I ate about seven more.

[Dave]

I ate two and then I put two in my pocket just in case I wanted some later.

[Pam]

Your cold, cold, cold pocket.

[Dave]

Oh, the only thing. Yeah, we had money's worth.

[Pam]

Natural gas, as far as I can tell.

[Dave]

I paid about $42 a cookie.

[Tara]

The other thing was about the coats. They give you loaner coats for the trip and such a small thing in relation to everything else.

[Pam]

Oh, the coats.

[Tara]

But after. Okay, so we stop at this. At this camp. We have our, you know, average dinner. And then stew.

[Pam]

Stew was good.

[Tara]

It was. Yeah, that's true.

[Pam]

It was fine.

[Tara]

And then he. He's getting ready to go up to the rest of the way to the summit. And so he's handing out these parkas. And when you sign up for the trip, they ask what size of coat you want. So they should already know.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

Jesus Christ. So, you know, we found out it's a unisex coat. Pam and I both said medium. Cause they're men's coats.

[Pam]

They're giganto coats, people.

[Tara]

Okay, so what happened was I go up and I say. He looks at me and he eyeballs me. He goes, so large. And I was like, no, medium. And he. And he gives it to me. He's like, well, give this one a shot. And then I get on the bus, and Pam's like, you'll never guess what he just said to me. He did the exact same thing to Pam.

[Pam]

Oh. Oh, it was almost worse because we get out, there's the German girl, and she says. I said, do I have to get my parkin now or can I get it later? And he won't even answer me. And the German girl says, a small, please. And he says, well, I don't think we have a small. We just have medium mediums. So he gives her a medium. And then he looks at me and he goes, large. And I go, no, medium. And he goes, well. And then starts pawing through his fucking coats. And he goes, oh, I did. I found a small. So the smallest girl gets this one. That will be you. Points at. German girl goes, will you give her your bigger coat?

[Tara]

And I was like, I hate you. And then another sidebar. So there's two. Two tours are going on simultaneously from the same company. Our guy Greg. But the first guy that had come to pick up everybody in Waikoloa was the second guy. Blake, who eventually decided hates Greg.

[Pam]

Hates Greg more than almost as much as we do.

[Dave]

Blake looked like every dinosaur bone digger you've ever seen on Twitter.

[Tara]

He looked like a geology professor.

[Pam]

A geology, but who loves the Grateful Dead.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

Like, pulled back, gray ponytail, Hawaiian shirt.

[Tara]

They all love the grape.

[Pam]

He drinks out of a coop with a koozie.

[Dave]

Yeah. Blake hated Blake.

[Tara]

Did not even want. At the end of the meal, we're looking around. We couldn't tell because Blake had his tent. First of all, the two tents are even segregated.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Like, they don't want us to mix.

[Pam]

We weren't allowed to talk to the.

[Tara]

Other group, but Blake had his set up, his trays all set up. And so you can see where you're supposed to throw your garbage and everything. And so Pam and I go over with our empty cups and, like, where should we put these? Going to put them with his garbage.

[Pam]

Trash. Just trash.

[Tara]

I don't know where Greg wants his stuff. Like, he does not even want Greg's people's garbage.

[Pam]

No. He was like, greg, Greg, Greg, where do you want. Are you done with your stew, Greg?

[Dave]

Look, people, you lost the tour guide lottery. Now you have to deal with the consequences.

[Pam]

Which he really did tell us when he picked us up, because he was like, oh, you guys are with Greg, and he'll be here because he never misses a day. So I know he's coming. And I thought that meant, like, oh, we're getting, like, slacker stoner Greg who, like, rolls up like Otto. But he was not. He was.

[Tara]

No, we got Alpine.

[Pam]

So you know what? I'm glad we did it, because everything else has been so lovely that we would not have such a hilarious story. I feel like all the others will pale in comparison.

[Tara]

Well, let's talk. So the other thing that we've done a lot of. David, did you have. Sorry, did you have more?

[Dave]

Go ahead, go ahead.

[Tara]

Speaking of things that are lovely, because Pam is not quite correct. So when we went to the beach, there was a lady.

[Pam]

When you do the podcast, can you put. Can you put up pictures that go with this? Like, if you're watching it on your ipod, so as you hear, like they do for the Ricky Gervais ones.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Because I really. I feel.

[Dave]

Well, I don't record them that way anymore because I. I just have one now. But if you go to clark.org there'll be something up there.

[Pam]

Oh, good.

[Dave]

G L, A R K dot O.

[Tara]

R G. So there is. Okay. So we were there before noon, and there was a woman out on a folding lounge chair, which she had brought from home because they don't have these at Hapuna Beach. She was sitting up from the beach on the grass, like, near where you eat your lunch, which seems especially cruel.

[Dave]

Because this woman, while she was there because. Because it was completely shadeless the whole Day. There was nothing that would have cast a shadow.

[Pam]

Well, that's really smart. See, I thought it was where she would get exhausted. Well, everyone can see her. Yes. She is the welcome goddess of that beach.

[Tara]

What she really is is the PSA for sunscreen use. It's like that's the first thing she sees. It's like the state of Hawaii. Parked her there to remind you. Did you buy sunscreen?

[Dave]

How old do you think she was?

[Tara]

She had to be in her 60s.

[Pam]

I would have guessed 70s.

[Dave]

Yeah, she looked.

[Tara]

Yeah, at least.

[Dave]

But who knows? She was so tan.

[Pam]

So tan. How tan was she?

[Dave]

Wrinkly. So oily. So thin. We called her Tandoori Lady. Cause her tan was so brownie red that she looked like a fucking piece of tandoori chicken.

[Pam]

She looked like she.

[Dave]

And she's wearing a fucking bikini, too. She's fucking 82,000 years old. Old. On the beach. Her skin is like, you know, redwood forest color.

[Pam]

She looked petrified. And.

[Dave]

And she's wearing a fucking white bikini. Oh, it was just.

[Pam]

She was tiny. It was. It was. It was the lack of anything other than skin and bone. The exhibit, the body exhibit, where they take the skin off the body works. That she looked like one of those. Exactly.

[Tara]

She was on all sinew, except not really, because she's old. So she was like sinew and sag.

[Pam]

She moved very slowly.

[Tara]

And she was so skinny. It was like she had tanned so much that all of the layers of her epidermis had just peeled away. This was like the least amount of skin she could have and still be alive. And all of her veins, we did not get that close to her. And her veins were like surface and so dark.

[Pam]

Come at.

[Tara]

Oh. She was horrified.

[Pam]

It was like someone had microwaved a baby bird.

[Dave]

But it's worth saying that she has been there as long as we've been going to Hawaii. So she's been there. We saw her when we went to Apuna, four. Three. Four years ago.

[Tara]

Three years ago.

[Dave]

Yeah, three years ago. So God knows how long she'd been on the island. I mean, she was so tanned that I believe if she died and you did an obtasi on her, her bones would have been cooked. Her bones would be charcoal. It'd be like a briquette. It'd be all black and brittle. And I don't even know how she walked.

[Pam]

I didn't know she made you so angry, Dave.

[Dave]

I'm just disturbed.

[Tara]

Horrified. Horrified.

[Dave]

Because here's what I imagine, is that I'm walking down the beach and she's at the bottom of a little hill that you get down to descend toward to the coast. And I don't know, I just kind of feel like something horrible would happen where I would stumble and, like, fall over myself and land on her. And she'd be like. I'd be like, ah, I can't get off. She's so oily. But I'd be flailing around like I'm drowning. And she'd be like.

[Tara]

If she talked, she would sound like the chicken that's always trying to pick up Foghorn Lighthouse. She kind of looked like. Yes. Prissy. Exactly.

[Pam]

Oh, man.

[Tara]

She said she would sound like that.

[Dave]

No, but, like, if you gave her a hug.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

She would squirt up into the air and maybe not come down because she weighed maybe 60 pounds.

[Tara]

She would waft away on the breeze.

[Pam]

The thing was, she.

[Dave]

You would put her. She was like a KFC bucket kind of thing happening.

[Pam]

Well, I was gonna. Just before we launch into the point of her, I was gonna say that we did at one point watch her try and turn over. And that was a. Very slow. Like a yogi. She looks like a. Like, if you know anything about Bikram yoga, she looks like that, dude. Just too tan and too small of a. And when she moved, her scapula came out.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

And then the. And then I. You couldn't look right at it.

[Dave]

Well, I saw her eating. I went back to take a picture. The picture that you see in the site first. The first pass I made, she was. The chair was there. She was gone. I finally found her in one of the gazebos under the shade. God forbid, don't touch her. Eating a sandwich. And I swear to God, it was like, you know, she. I could see her straining to, like, lift a sandwich to her mouth. It was. So just never mind. Like, all the oil that's gonna come off the sandwich onto the bread.

[Tara]

Yeah. But it's true.

[Pam]

It's true, though.

[Tara]

So you need to know. The people need to know.

[Pam]

So, Tara.

[Tara]

So Pam and I had. We'd been in the water, and then we were. We were on blankets and, you know, the waves were down. So Dave didn't know anything, didn't know what to do. So that was when he wandered off to take a. Take a photo of Tandoori lady. And. And when he came back, as we were packing up, I don't remember who it was that started singing Tandoori lady to the tune of Tom Jones hit She's a Lady.

[Pam]

I think Dave did.

[Tara]

He did too.

[Pam]

I Will take credit for asking if he can make the aloha postcard.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Pam]

But I think he started the singing.

[Tara]

So what ensued was, I'm gonna say about four hours of just generating rhyming couplets of new verses for the rewrite of the song Contender relay.

[Dave]

And I think we can pick it up after dinner. We'll do some sample verses after.

[Pam]

Oh, yay. After beer.

[Tara]

Does anyone have something we can write on so that we can note down as many as we can? Remember, she's okay alone and there's no messing in.

[Dave]

It's recording.

[Pam]

It's recording. Welcome back, everybody. Hey, hey, hey. Hooray. Oh, yeah. So that was another thing on this trip. I did not know I was gonna be doing several Kristen Wiig impressions throughout the week because it's not really. I'm kind of impersonating my friend who I think is sort of half impersonating Kristen Wiig. And so it's like a quarter of a Kristen Wiig impression that it's turned into a full on. I'm just. I've been the target lady on most of this trip and we went on a zipline tour which I haven't even discussed. And Tara and Dave made me do one of the zips as the target lady, which was a good idea except if you're me, because halfway through I realized I was in full on character and 10 complete strangers thought I was.

[Dave]

They thought you were insane.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Between. Between your cry yelling and you're yelping and your manic. I don't know if she's really in pain or just sort of giddy thing happening on that one day. I think they're like, yeah, she's. Well, I didn't know she's on the drugs.

[Pam]

I didn't know it was going to be so scary. It wasn't that it was scary during. Before or during. The landing is intense. And I know in theory you're safe, but you see this piece of wood flying at you and one dude standing there and then the. The line catches you. It makes this clipping sound. But you don't stop. Yeah. When it sounds like you should stop. And then I think, well, now I'm gonna die.

[Tara]

But the sound would be like, whoa.

[Pam]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Tara]

Like it really. And it was every time because a few zips in. I was waiting. I was going after Pam and John, one of the two guides who I discovered is also a part time chaplain when he's not helping people on the zip line.

[Pam]

But he was awesome.

[Tara]

He was great. But we were Watching you go. And you landed and did the.

[Pam]

Hey, woo, woo.

[Tara]

And then. And he goes, just the landings, huh?

[Pam]

I was like, I. I don't know. She said, it's a bump. But what broke it was them asking me to do one as a target lake because I had a little camera strapped to myself. And so I was like, all right, here I go. Phone tags on the zip line.

[Tara]

Hooray.

[Pam]

And then I was like. But I was also scared. So I was trying. I was like, you guys, there's a waterfall brought to you by tear. And then I saw the thing coming, and I was like, ah, creep. Like, it couldn't. Couldn't keep going. And other people were watching. And the best is, like, Dave's camera. You can hear me quietly wait. Like, mortifying. And so nobody knew what to think of me. They called me the panic girl, right when we were walking through.

[Tara]

Well, when we. When we were leaving, I mean, as we were in the. What, the pins of something. They called them pinsies for short. This is like, oh, yeah, military van, military transport thing. So we were getting ready to go.

[Dave]

I had to turn around because it was one way when we got in.

[Tara]

We're getting. Getting all loaded in after the zipping was over, and, you know, the guides got in the front seat and asked, how did everyone like it? And Pam was also was filming in the back with her little flip camera. And they were like, oh, it was great. It was so much fun. Oh, what really made it was the screamer. She made it so much more fun. Ha ha ha ha.

[Pam]

We were walking from one zip to the other, and at one point, someone was like, where's our panic girl? And this. The woman who actually legitimately has a fear of heights was like, I'm doing okay. And then, like, not. You pointed at me. Oh, all right. You're still here. Well, it was when we had to change landings, too, to instead of landing on a piece of wood, we had to run ourselves in. Yeah. I don't know what happens. I just go fetal and I can't open my eyes. Yeah, I can't find the ground. I don't know. That was a lot harder.

[Dave]

Hurray.

[Pam]

So that has happened a bit where I found myself being the target lady. But that's because you started doing that hooray thing. And then it's very contagious.

[Dave]

Remember when Tara fell down?

[Tara]

Yeah. Pam wasn't the only one that got the zipline event.

[Dave]

I was filming it, and it was like the biggest. The big one over the chasm with the waterfalls.

[Tara]

The final zip.

[Dave]

She's like, you ready? She's like, yeah, here I go. All right. And you watch the video. You see Tara's head, and then it just goes poof right off the frame. She just fell down walking two steps from me to the dude.

[Pam]

But, you know, she fell every time, and she would always go, you guys, it's my shoes.

[Tara]

It was. It was my shoes. They were very. They had no grips. We were walking on matted pine needles.

[Pam]

And a lot of mud. But from the very first zip to the very last, you guys, it's my shoes.

[Tara]

Because it was.

[Pam]

It was. Oh, it was.

[Tara]

But that's not. That's really not what you want to have happen when you're about to be literally walking off a. Because that's how they describe it to you. You're like, you just take a few steps, and then you're gonna jump off this cliff.

[Pam]

They told you think about your life.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

And then jump off the cliff.

[Tara]

They're very jocular about that.

[Pam]

And if anyone hesitates, they actually bounce the wire and throw you off the cliff, as they did to the woman with the fear of heights. And I think me, because they just enjoyed trying to frighten me, which is why when I was fine, they would move the wire around or jump it or tell me my harness was broken. Like, they would. Were always trying to make me more terrified than I was. They got disappointed when I wouldn't scream. Oh, you opened your eyes this time. Oh, you actually didn't cry.

[Dave]

But you made that whole experience, like, five times better than it would have been without. You really made it. Well, it was so genuine, your fear. That first time, when you're gear hits the wooden block and slows you down. Just a shock.

[Tara]

You came down off it. I mean, the first zip is seriously. Is like four feet off the ground. Yeah.

[Pam]

It's nothing.

[Tara]

You could touch it. If you really bounced enough, you could touch your toe to the ground. It's so low on.

[Pam]

Oh, God, it was so scary.

[Tara]

And the run is like.

[Pam]

What.

[Tara]

What was that first run?

[Pam]

Like, four feet, maybe ten seconds tops.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

And.

[Tara]

And when Pam came off it, she was, like, jittery with adrenaline. She was, like, shaking. Trembling.

[Pam]

Yeah. I really didn't think that.

[Tara]

I thought you were faking it.

[Pam]

I didn't think it was gonna stop. It said it sounded like I was supposed to stop, and I kept going, and I thought I was gonna hit the tree with my body and die. And then I look at the video of the later ones. Oh, my God. We're really high up in the air.

[Tara]

Yeah, really high up.

[Pam]

Just hoping these jokers are gonna.

[Tara]

Well, and how they get you to do it, too, is like, the first one is really easy. Like, it's very gradual.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Until the very last one, where it's like, well, you're gonna be going across this gulch. You'll see Maui.

[Pam]

Right.

[Tara]

Like, it's. It was really deep, like, but. But yet not that long before we were doing zips where you could not. You couldn't see the ground.

[Pam]

That is smart of them. They tell you what to look at as opposed to the peril you're actually in.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

They do say, like, don't forget to look down. Because they want you to notice you're up in the air. And that's pretty. But they don't give you stats like that. They say, you know, look for the waterfall. Look for Maui. As opposed to. You are a mile in the air.

[Tara]

Right.

[Pam]

Oh, man, that was fun. It was. It was terrifying fun. I never thought I was in real danger, but the. But. But it did seem like when I heard the sound of me stopping, I should stop. And then my body would panic. Or I saw I was coming in for a landing, and I would inevitably spin around the wrong way.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

And thought, well, here's where I crushed my spine. But didn't actually think I was going to be.

[Tara]

It was.

[Pam]

Oh, it was so funny. Like, it was so funny to me that I was turned around. It was funny to me that everybody thought I was an idiot. It was funny that for whatever reason, my body would panic, even though my brain was fine, which is why in that last one, I'm such a moron, because I can't stop laughing. And I'm telling him I'm fine. But I did hit myself in the face with the strap, which is funny. My legs won't unbuckle, so I'm hurting myself, and I'm just asking him to cut me down, which is all of four inches from the ground.

[Tara]

Yeah, but you were laughing so hard that he. I mean, he. John, really was asking a lot, like, are you okay? I know. But several times.

[Dave]

He was also laughing because you were manic.

[Tara]

You were.

[Dave]

She was manic.

[Pam]

I was an idiot. And he was also laughing because he couldn't understand what was wrong with me.

[Dave]

You're like, okay.

[Pam]

I.

[Dave]

Let me out of this thing.

[Pam]

Oh, man. I didn't know that was gonna happen.

[Dave]

That was good.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

And then after that, we went boogie.

[Pam]

Boarding, which was awesome.

[Tara]

Which Pam had also never done before.

[Pam]

That was fun. I Want to learn to surf now?

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

That was a lot of fun. I wanted to jump onto the boogie board, but I don't think it lets you do that.

[Dave]

I saw a kid do it.

[Tara]

Well, he's.

[Dave]

He lasted about half a second. He got on top of it, but he didn't land. That's it.

[Pam]

Board can't be long enough to support someone standing. We just shoot out.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

And I also haven't. Haven't quite mastered which way to throw the boogie board in. A number of times that cord went right across. Across my throat. And if the waves had been stronger, I probably would have really hurt myself. Yeah. You know, you. You should put the board in front of you on the side where the cord is and not kind of on the other side. It just would happen sometimes where I would turn around to jump on the board and I had turned the board inevitably, like, the wrong way so that when the wave came, the cord was around my neck. Yeah. This is why my mom doesn't want me to do any of the things I've done on this trip.

[Tara]

Yeah. Are you gonna tell her that you did the zipline?

[Pam]

No, I'm not gonna tell her I did the zipline. I'm not gonna tell her I did not. Yeah.

[Dave]

What about. Okay. Heated water pool. Is that bad? Filled with bacteria.

[Pam]

No, that was fine. You know why? We were completely safe in there. The waves couldn't get us.

[Dave]

Sure. What about the bacteria?

[Pam]

She wouldn't have thought about that.

[Tara]

What about the potentially aggressive eels?

[Pam]

No, no, no. We didn't see any eels. The thermal pool was very nice, but it made us. It made me feel like we were not heavy or Scandinavian enough to actually appreciate what we were in.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

What about the. The autograph tree? Would you be worried about that?

[Pam]

The autographed tree, she would think, is a bit of vandalism and I should not scratch into leaves. But if I'm gonna do it, it just seems like a waste of time because they're just gonna die. But I thought that was really cool. What I really like about a lot of the things here on the Big island is that the. The graffiti is all sort of eco friendly.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

I really appreciate.

[Dave]

And also the graffiti, excuse me, itself, is friendly.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

You know, well, we don't know. We. No, wait a minute. I say that just now remembering how many Pooda Pride we saw more than one car on fire.

[Dave]

Well, apparently the district.

[Tara]

No. Car wasn't actively on fire.

[Pam]

Right.

[Dave]

Well, it's only the one.

[Pam]

No, no, I saw that other one abandoned inside that same road we were.

[Dave]

On, did it have writing on it?

[Pam]

We drove by it too quickly for me to see, but it was that same sort of gutted, burned out.

[Dave]

We were in a district called Puna, which has its reputation kind of being rough.

[Tara]

Rough.

[Pam]

I didn't know that.

[Dave]

And we were. Yeah, I didn't want to tell you until we were going. And we were driving down the road going towards this. This pool. We were talking about this naturally, you know, sort of, you know, volcanically heated tide pool.

[Pam]

It was awesome.

[Dave]

Or fishing pond pool. And we get the end of this road and there's just this junked up, smashed, burnt out wreck of a car. And somebody put another piece of something rather in there, spray painted Puna Pride on it. I don't know what that means. I don't know what the, you know, what the deal is about, whether that's referring to the region or a tribe or, I don't know, whatever.

[Pam]

Super dirty.

[Dave]

But it was.

[Pam]

I got Puna Pride from the pool. Yeah. But the rest of the graffiti has been white coral on top of black lava rock, which is. It's beautiful. They're like little shrines. I say this as a girl who recently had her apartment tagged with the word Taliban. And it made me so mad. I wanted to go buy spray paint, come up with a tagger name, and tag over. Like, I understood why people tag over tags, but I was like, no, this is my shit, Puna Pride.

[Tara]

But yes, Pam is right. The majority of choral graffiti, there's a lot of rip and like 808 or there's, you know, people do a picture of a dolphin or a whale.

[Dave]

I think most of it is, you know, this, you know, just person A plus person B, heart forever.

[Pam]

And the autograph tree are these big trees with these leaves that are just. I don't know what you would say. I don't know how you would describe it.

[Dave]

They're kind of like rubber plants.

[Pam]

Like rubber plants. Like. Yeah.

[Tara]

Rubber leaf. Yeah.

[Pam]

And people scrawl in them with sharp objects. And then it dries that way with the letters forever.

[Dave]

My favorite was that I took a picture of it that looks like instead of putting his name in, I put Rush.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Which is great because maybe his name was Rush. He did that.

[Pam]

He might have been.

[Dave]

Maybe. I choose to believe it as the band rushed because it seems like somebody who's into Rush would do. And the R kind of had this sweep to it that kind of reminded me that maybe old Rush albums had a certain font. And I think maybe he was trying to do that.

[Pam]

So what highway are we on right now?

[Dave]

You're on 19.

[Pam]

We're on Highway 19. You are right now driving down Hawaii with us. Just like you should let people know what they're.

[Dave]

It's dark.

[Pam]

It's very dark. I see so many stars. I didn't have to pay to see, actually. I know there's a lot of clouds tonight. I can't see any stars. No, I'm sorry. But the. I took a picture of the autograph that was like, ladies, for good time call. And then it was his phone number.

[Dave]

See? Turtles.

[Pam]

We saw turtles. And also at the. At the lava rock. Where were we? The place of refuge that I disgraced.

[Dave]

Which is. Oh, yeah, right.

[Tara]

Yeah, here's, here's.

[Dave]

This is.

[Tara]

We should say this was the first full day of the trip. And this is where it's. Things started to go bad.

[Pam]

A family.

[Tara]

Would you like to explain?

[Pam]

I effed up. So I think maybe if I hadn't done this at the place of refuge, Dave wouldn't have been so upset. But first I angered Dave, and then I angered America, and then I angered a goddess of this island, in that order. It's a really pretty place. The place of refuge is almost all black lava rock and sea turtles and tide pools and fish and little tiny crabs. Little tiny crabs and sea cucumbers. And it's like you're in Iceland kind of somehow.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

And it is a place that you described as the original Ali. Ali oxen free. Right. Which you're gonna have to explain again.

[Dave]

So the Hawaiians, if somebody was condemned to death by the, you know, the chief or the king. King, if they could get themselves from wherever they were to this place of refuge before the king's men got him and killed him, he would be, you know, forgiven in his, you know, he would be set free. He would be pardoned by the king. So basically it's this giant game of alliox are free. You can get there. Before you were killed, you got a do over.

[Pam]

Well, I didn't know it was a national park.

[Tara]

And now it's a national park.

[Pam]

And I. There's a bajillion lava rocks out there. And I found one that was like perfectly square and like a little cobblestone. And it was going to match perfectly the little marble cobblestone I have from Prague. And I knew they were gonna sit next to each other. And then I had like another one. I had two lava rocks.

[Dave]

And although I would say you pulled it out, it wasn't there. Squirrely.

[Tara]

It Was. It was.

[Dave]

Didn't you pull it out of something?

[Pam]

No, I didn't pull it out of anything.

[Tara]

It was in a notch. But it's not like she, like, had to jiggle it.

[Dave]

No, no. I'm just saying it wasn't lying on there.

[Tara]

She lifted it out.

[Pam]

Anyways, I didn't destroy the Jenga.

[Dave]

Onward with a story of shade.

[Pam]

There was no Jenga destruction of the place of refuge. And Tara was like, oh, don't let Dave see you do that. And Dave saw it, and then he said, you can't do that. And I was like, oh, come on. It's just a couple of rocks.

[Tara]

Just a background before you continue, I think earlier in the day, I had told Pam that when we had been at Volcano national park the first time we came to Hawaii, I had wanted to pick and press an extremely cute flower. And Dave was like, you can't do that. It's a national park. It's against the law.

[Pam]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Tara]

Oh, I thought he was gonna do that. Anyway. He was like, we'll take a picture. That's all you get, because Dave obeys the rules.

[Pam]

But see, the thing. Thing is this. I did not know about Dave, and I am known as the one who obeys the rules. Like, don't jaywalk. I don't. Like, oh. I don't talk on the cell phone. If I'm driving, I don't text. Now I can't text. Basically, driving is the most boring thing in the world. Now. I don't break the rules. In this case, this didn't feel like I was breaking a big, giant rule because there were so many lava rocks, people. So many lava rocks. And I thought, well, I'm not gonna spend 12 bucks to buy one of these at the airport. I'm just gonna take these two little rocks home and love them. And because of the amount of love I had for them, I felt like it was justifiable. It was not. So Dave immediately tells me not to take them, and I take them anyway, and launches into the story of how I am now going to be cursed.

[Dave]

Well, first of all, it actually is against the law.

[Pam]

Well, I. Yes, it is. I didn't know specifically.

[Dave]

You have to. It's a national park. You're not allowed to take anything out of it.

[Pam]

No, you're right. I'm sorry. Like, I don't take pine. I didn't take pine cones out of national parks. Like, you don't. I don't break the rules.

[Tara]

But at the park, you gave an abbreviated Version where you're like, it's against the law. And in addition to that, there's also. It's also considered sacred. And you could be. There's a. There's supposed to be a curse. And attached to it, too.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Outside was like.

[Tara]

And then when we got back to the condo.

[Dave]

Yeah. I don't know whether you thought I was making that up.

[Pam]

I wasn't.

[Tara]

Looked it up and was like, here's what it is. And. And sort of explained. And Pam was like. And then Pam went and looked and.

[Pam]

Was like, oh, you guys.

[Dave]

Curse research. It just got worse and worse after that. It's like.

[Pam]

Because I wasn't so much.

[Dave]

It went from generalized curse to, like, very specific things that would happen to other people.

[Tara]

Yeah, that's true. You found a lot of, like, personal testimony.

[Pam]

Allegedly.

[Tara]

And then. And then the. But the most damning one was when, oh, my God, Snopes said it's true.

[Pam]

Snopes. Snopes said it's true.

[Tara]

Snopes. What is. What supposedly is. This is the curse.

[Pam]

Okay, well, first, I didn't go from, like, whatevs, you were. Tara kept. So I had the angel and the devil, because Tara's going, you know, a curse isn't real if you don't believe in it. And Dave going, well, first of all, you committed a federal offense. Now, also, outside where we're staying, 3 billion black lava rocks, too. They're everywhere. I'm looking at them now. No matter where you go on this island, there are tiny pieces of lava rock, and new ones are forming every second other than when we want to go and look at them. By the way, side story C, if we have plans to see them, the island stops. But that's because of me. I had a curse. So. But. So, yes. So Dave reads from the book with the superior tone and a monocle, a vest and a sweater that had patches. It was too much.

[Tara]

This is Thurston Lava Tube iii.

[Pam]

Thurston Lava Tube III informed me that terrible things can happen. Goddess Pele. Pele, I guess, of the Big island, is in charge of all the volcanoes. She. She's the goddess of fire. She did not get to be with her lover, her betrothed, and so her children are the lava rocks on this island. And if you take them, she is very upset and she curses you. So I had not actually had the curse happen to me yet because I had not left the island with lava rocks. But I think she wanted to let us know that she was not fucking around because everything was fine for Dave. Weird shit was happening to me and Tara, who was like, fuck off. Had her watch break. I am sitting there like a normal person, lean over to grab a drink. My computer falls off, shatters my camera. We didn't get to see the lava.

[Tara]

Shut down, but we were at Volcano park about to go look in the.

[Dave]

Lava, and then they said it just stopped.

[Tara]

It just stopped.

[Dave]

Like a half hour.

[Pam]

She said, oh, you guys want to do that?

[Dave]

You know, the bird whistle, the lava just stops.

[Pam]

Which doesn't even seem possible because all you hear. You hear that this has been an active volcano for as long as we've been alive. And then they were like, oh, no, not you two, though. No, you guys. You three can't. You guys can't.

[Dave]

No, show's over.

[Pam]

Show's over for the first time in a millennium. So. So, yeah.

[Tara]

So then finally, it was when the camera broke, was when you. I mean, we've been talking for a little bit about. Well, before you leave, you'll have to return the rocks not to the place of refuge, but do something. And we. I think you had already decided you were gonna do some kind of purification.

[Pam]

Yes, I was gonna make an apology, an offering.

[Tara]

And then.

[Pam]

Because Snope said it was true.

[Tara]

Cause Snope said it was too bad. Thursday after, we were on our way to the beach, and I dropped my watch, and it was like, oh, it's not so bad.

[Pam]

And then I picked it up, and.

[Tara]

The crystal was shattered in three places. Cam was like, all right, I'll do it today.

[Pam]

And she got. Oh, and you got cut at the place of refuge.

[Tara]

I got cut at the place of refuge after that. That was apparently because then. Because we didn't associate it at the time, but I was like, I'd already hurt myself before you picked up that rock. And then Pam was like, actually, I'd already picked up one rock before I came.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

So then I was like, oh, that is your fault, probably.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

But when I picked up that first one that caused you the initial physical pain, I really didn't know that I was doing anything wrong.

[Tara]

No.

[Pam]

What's that? Fuel level. Low.

[Tara]

So almost over.

[Pam]

So on Thursday, before. Well, we still made it through the zipline alive.

[Tara]

We did.

[Pam]

Which was. We were worried that that might not happen.

[Tara]

Well, but as you said, Pele was just giving us minor inconveniences to remind us. Yes, she was aware of us. She wasn't gonna put us in any mortal peril. Except me.

[Pam]

Dave's pants were wet. Yeah, Dave had wet pants one morning. Sure.

[Tara]

That was my fault. And me drifting out to sea, practically getting eaten by a shark on our first day. That was before.

[Pam]

That was before I.

[Tara]

So that was all me.

[Pam]

My pants got ripped on a seemingly invisible piece of sharpness.

[Tara]

That's right. That was on Thursday too.

[Pam]

Yes. She was not kidding. At that point. The sushi place was closed.

[Tara]

The sushi place was closed.

[Pam]

So I wrote a letter of apology and I tied it to the rocks. And then Tara gave me some dental floss to tie the rocks up and then left some money and I poured some water. And I wish I had known to leave some Bombay Sapphire gin for her. I would have.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

We learned from the.

[Tara]

From Greg, our tour guide.

[Dave]

He's going to drinking.

[Tara]

On more than one occasion, lava flow has been stopped by people pouring liquor near the float.

[Pam]

They throw bottles of gin into the. Into the.

[Tara]

Well, the princess, he said it was whiskey, but. Yeah.

[Pam]

Yes. Right. It was initially whiskey, but the last one, I guess they used gin.

[Tara]

She likes to drink.

[Pam]

Which we had heard someone say earlier and we thought they were kidding. Or. I'm saying we just including you guys into me. But I feel like you were there when it happened. Probably when the drunk guy was saying, I need some whiskey. Do you remember that? No.

[Tara]

Anyway, so that was. That was the. That was the ceremony. And apparently the curse is lifted. Except for the clouds.

[Pam]

Except for the clouds.

[Tara]

Then we learned that's a different goddess altogether.

[Pam]

Exactly.

[Dave]

Who lifts her skirt?

[Pam]

She was mad.

[Dave]

She wants to.

[Pam]

She probably would have given us freak star skirt lifted like a floozy lady. Am I right, ladies? If I had apologized to Pele today, perhaps her sister, who hates her, would have blessed us with a lot of stars last night. We did not know.

[Tara]

Interesting.

[Pam]

There's a lot going on here in Hawaii. Interesting.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

I guess.

[Tara]

We already talked about the failed volcano story. We tried to go.

[Pam]

Right.

[Dave]

And you had transcendental sushi. Apparently today.

[Pam]

Great sushi.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

Sushi rock as endorsed by Moby, apparently.

[Pam]

Right. Which I can see why. Because they have. I've never seen such a wide array of vegetarian sushi. Vegetarian options at a sushi restaurant where they. Like they cared. They weren't just giving you a cucumber roll. Cucumber roll. Right.

[Dave]

Yeah. I had sushi. It was Fuji apples, cucumber and some lime kind of mayo stuff on it. There's something else.

[Pam]

That was the second one. You had sun dried tomatoes.

[Dave]

Sun dried tomatoes. Oh, it sounds really weird, but it was delicious.

[Pam]

There were macadamia nuts on a number of sushi things. Which sounds weird. But then really tasted good.

[Tara]

Normally when Dave gets sushi, I get chicken teriyaki because I'm a child and I really care for fish. But at this place, it was clearly a very special place, and I didn't want to not have sushi, so I broke from tradition and I ordered some. And the first thing I got was amazing. And Pam had said she didn't like fish either for most of her life, but then just realized she was having bad fish.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

And that may have been the case with me, too, because that fish I had today, whatever kind of white fish it was, which I probably should have paid attention, but it was really, really good.

[Pam]

Yeah, that first one was really good. Your second one was not as good. No, it was not your fault.

[Tara]

The other thing that happened was that Pam ordered sushi that was so hot. The guy warned her about it extensively. Not just like, you know, that's really hot. Pam was like, no, I like it hot. Like, no, but seriously, like, really seemed to be issuing some kind of, like, insurance mandate waiver, triple waiver that you.

[Pam]

Needed to agree to, which only made me want it more.

[Tara]

Right.

[Dave]

I'll show them.

[Tara]

Pam was like, that's pretty hot. And then put one on my plate. Didn't give one to Dave, even though Dave really likes hot stuff because it had fish in it.

[Pam]

Had fish in it.

[Tara]

And then I didn't want to be a pussy and not have the super hot sushi.

[Pam]

And that was a mistake. Yeah. I didn't realize it was as hot.

[Tara]

As it was because it didn't seem.

[Pam]

That hot to me until I had, like, four of them, which must have been what it felt like for you to have the one of them.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

It. I really got to see a lot of different ways Tara can make her face.

[Tara]

Some of which were documented by Dave.

[Pam]

Yeah, on camera. Dave tried two sips of beverages that have liquor in them. I tried you guys to reenact drunk Dave because I felt like this was a safe environment. I bought a bottle of champagne. He wouldn't touch it. And twice I, his inappropriate aunt, gave the baby some booze.

[Tara]

Here, try this one.

[Pam]

He's fussy. Lee needs a sip of this shit.

[Tara]

Well, the lime. The lime margarita was kind of. That one is a little deceptive, because even if you know, it's boozy so good. Basically, I had gotten this local load, and Pam tasted it and then told the waitress when she came back, I want this, but with booze in it.

[Pam]

Because I'm a classy lady, y'all.

[Tara]

It was after the zip Line. You were still all full of adrenaline.

[Pam]

That's right. I earned a margarita.

[Tara]

And then the waitress's face lit up. She was so excited to bring this thing to you.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

When it comes out, it looks exactly the same as what we were drinking, except, you know, there's salt on the rim of the glass.

[Pam]

Really more of a mojito than a margarita.

[Tara]

But Dave did not care for that or what you were drinking today.

[Pam]

And today I had a. Well, an advanced drink. It was a martini, a vodka martini, but with kombucha, which Dave.

[Dave]

Khrushchev.

[Pam]

Yes. Dave called the khrushchev. And when I explained to him what kombucha was, then he said, you know, the health benefits of digestive. Supposed to make you feel good and clean out your whatever. And it's. They call it a fungi. Dave was like, so it has healthy stuff. And then they put all the vodka in it, so it's not healthy anymore. And then I said, yes, I'll have two. And it did.

[Tara]

Well, the waiter was a little bit cool at first, and then after you ordered a second one, when it came out, you said, ooh, this is a bigger pour.

[Pam]

He did a bigger pour. The second one.

[Tara]

After you had ordered the spicy sushi and the fancy martini, he was like, we can add.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

And then he decided. He decided you were okay. He did.

[Pam]

He decided this sort of like, you're.

[Dave]

No Moby, but okay, super hipster Eric.

[Pam]

Stoltzi kind of guy.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Who didn't know what to think of me and my iPhone to begin with. I think, by the end.

[Tara]

Had a.

[Pam]

Bit of the aloha spirit for me.

[Tara]

He did. So another exciting thing that we did that didn't turn out horribly was we went to the spa. Well, it didn't turn out horribly, but it.

[Pam]

At its moments.

[Tara]

What had happened was. What had happened.

[Pam]

Yeah, I. Look, these guys don't do this. They don't go to spas and get massages. Well, we have. But this isn't what you would do on a vacation. My vacation. When I go to vacation, I bring five books, a bathing suit, and I try not to never wear shoes. And if I go get a massage in there, because there's a spa, that's even sweeter. So I got massage day. Spa day. The pampering day. On, what, the second day?

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Monday, after, I'd already brought the curse upon us, but I so found something at this place that seemed like we were gonna be in a mud bath and get covered in mud and then, like, you know, do that. Like volcanic mud.

[Tara]

They called it the lava sauna.

[Pam]

The lava sauna. And then you would shower off and then go off to your massage. And I call and I. And I ask, is it separate for men and women? And he said, no, you guys can do it all in the same room if you're comfortable with each other. And I was like, well, I mean, like, we can wear swimsuits. He's like, you can wear whatever you want. You don't have to wear swimsuits. You can wear swimsuits. It's really fine. It's up to, you know, your level of comfort. And I've, you know, whatever. I'm awesomely progressive. And, you know, Tara and I believe we had this conversation right now.

[Dave]

I'm not.

[Pam]

Dave's not, but I think Tara and I have been naked in the same room before.

[Tara]

I'm sure that's true.

[Pam]

I feel like we went to a spa together before.

[Dave]

Naked. This makes Principal Scudworth uneasy.

[Tara]

Pam and I have slept in the same bed.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

For multiple nights in a row.

[Pam]

So. So Dave and I have a quick conversation of I won't look at you naked if you don't look at me naked. As long as Tara's okay with the three of us naked. And she seemed very fine because she.

[Dave]

Seemed a little enthusiastic about if you asked me.

[Pam]

I think they're trying to date me. It's okay. So. So where she's like, yeah, you know what? I think that'd be a good idea.

[Tara]

You should do that.

[Pam]

I think we can all be dating. She was sort of like that. To where I was like, I shouldn't be worried about Dave seeing me naked.

[Tara]

It's tough.

[Dave]

There's a waiver I gotta sign. Just give it to me. I'll sign it.

[Pam]

Yeah, I'm feeling good about myself is what I'm saying. So. So I order up. I order up.

[Dave]

You want to see Andromeda's boobies?

[Pam]

Andromeda's boobies right here. So I order up. Orgy for three in a bath house filled with mud.

[Tara]

And so, based on the description what Pam and I had both thought. Dave. I don't know what Dave thought. He was excited.

[Dave]

I thought I was climbing into a bathtub full of mud.

[Tara]

Okay, well, that's what we thought too.

[Pam]

And he was gonna bring a swimsuit just in case.

[Tara]

Right. And then we didn't. We come around the corner.

[Pam]

Oh, my God.

[Tara]

Sky. The helper of. From the Calvin men's. Calvin brings us around. He's like, okay, we're all set. And There were these other ladies that were there waiting, like, between treatments too. And the three of us get let off together. Dave and his two wives.

[Pam]

And we're, by the way.

[Tara]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Pam]

All we're wearing are these weird little sheets that tie around your boobs.

[Tara]

Yeah. They don't even give you a robe.

[Pam]

No robe.

[Tara]

They gave you a robe. I expected a robe. We got, like, a sarong.

[Pam]

Aloha. Sarongs. And then poor Dave's in one too, and he has to show up. And it's like, hello, ladies. Like, nine naked women in this outdoor hut.

[Tara]

Yeah. So Calvin leads us around this corner. There's this little. Like, someone's made a little semicircle bench out of, like, a volcanic.

[Pam]

Wait, by the way, we have not even spoken about this to each other. That's how uncomfortable it was. This is the first time we've talked about it, and it was five days.

[Dave]

Ago at the time he was there. So we're all like. I'm just staring at the floor like, what the fuck is going on?

[Pam]

Oh, it's a piece of rock, you guys. So it's a piece of rock in a semicircle with these little bench. With these little wasabi cups.

[Tara]

Basically.

[Dave]

Like the. It's like a lava version of the McDonald's benches.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

And there are these. And there are these little lava. These little wasabi cups filled with clay mud that he says is cosmetic. So don't worry about putting on your face. Which makes me realize this is the shit I buy at Save on Closed. The Shell station.

[Dave]

Yeah. I gotta get gas, but I guess I got it. Tomorrow morning.

[Pam]

Yeah, tomorrow morning. So.

[Tara]

So this will give Dave an opportunity to get out of the car.

[Pam]

So we have to get naked, put mud on our skin, and then sit in a semicircle together in the sun for an hour.

[Tara]

For an hour while it bakes. And there's, like, natural heat coming off of volcanic rock.

[Pam]

Like mud monsters.

[Tara]

That's the sauna part. So I, at first. I, at first don't even notice the little cups of mud you're supposed to smear on yourself. That's how small they are.

[Pam]

Yeah, they literally.

[Tara]

If that was a full cup of mud, I would be shocked. Like, I mean, a measuring cup of mud.

[Pam]

Dave can't even talk about it.

[Tara]

He left Davis pumping gas in the car, so. So I thought. Because I couldn't get close to it, I thought the big hunk in the middle was just, like, giant lump of clay.

[Pam]

No, it was a piece of rock.

[Tara]

And it was a piece of Rock.

[Pam]

I walk in and I see this, and my brain is immediately going, okay, here's how I'm gonna fix this. Because I have fucked up. I have. Because this is not like it's 10 bucks. Like, this was a thing. I thought we were going in like a natural spring with some mud, and now instead, I'm in the here. You and your friends are gonna be naked for an hour. You and this married couple are gonna smear mud all over yourselves. I hope you're comfortable with your body, because they're gonna be looking at it.

[Tara]

Whatever you guys want to do, don't ask, don't tell. It's so secluded out here on the other side of this volcanic wall.

[Pam]

Yes, it's so secluded.

[Tara]

Get up to with your principals.

[Pam]

But they did hint at that because he says, I'm gonna close this gate so no one bothers you. And you guys will be alone. We won't come back until this clock. There's a clock is at 10 till. And that is when we will come in here again. So you guys do whatever you have to do. Here's the shower. And then pass this little outdoor shower thing which has gels and oils. And it's like. And then put the oil all over yourself or each other. You know, when I put oil up, I was like, oh, God. And then he says, that bad?

[Tara]

You're exaggerating slightly, but only slightly.

[Pam]

And then he says, and then here's a little private area. This is like a dead end. Don't bother going down there. And my brain is like. And that is where Pam will be laying in the mud, laying with her mud all over her.

[Tara]

Well, so Calvin takes off to leave us to whatever depraved business we have prepared to get down to at the Mauna Lani Resort. And so Dave is like, I'll go to the dead end. And Pam's like, no, I'll go to the dead end.

[Dave]

It's fine.

[Tara]

I'll be right here.

[Pam]

Yeah, I said, here's what's happening. You two are gonna stay here in the lava rocks, and I'm gonna go to the dead end and have my own little naked oasis. And so I go to do that, except that it's not really a secluded area. It's. It's facing the. What, we out of time?

[Tara]

Yeah. Okay, so you're gonna go around the corner to the dead end. You decide. Right.

[Pam]

But the problem was, once I got there with my towels and my thimble of mud, it turns out that that was facing the path. So anybody any Other derelicts and or pervs who decided to lavasana that day were going to see my secrets as you were calling them earlier, I believe.

[Tara]

Right, Maybe.

[Pam]

So I had to basically go into the path that we had walked into and let and lay down with some ants under a bush. It was not glamorous. I covered myself in mud and listened to Tara and Dave cover themselves in mud. And anyway, we all got very, very polite. That was my favorite part about it is from that point on, because we were all naked, we could not see each other. I couldn't see them, they could not see me. But we were all so aware of our proximity and our nudity that we just became extraordinary. Like, how are you over there? Well, I am just fine. And then I reckon Tara was like, would you perchance like some water?

[Tara]

I am feeling parched.

[Pam]

Which now again, in the new light that Davis put it, that was Tara excuse to come and look at me being totally naked. Which she did. Twice. Twice. Don't get up.

[Tara]

And then I accidentally spilled some. Some water on your mud.

[Pam]

You did?

[Tara]

I mean, that was an accident.

[Pam]

And by mud, she means my boobies. My Andromeda's boobies.

[Tara]

Am I right, ladies?

[Pam]

Am I right, ladies? Did I accidentally spill water all over you? I got your mud wet again. I'm just gonna step over you completely naked on my way to the shower so you can watch me shower.

[Dave]

So you want to watch me shower?

[Pam]

She said she did. She showered in front of me.

[Dave]

She was like, look, look, wait, wait.

[Pam]

Watch, watch, watch, look. She looks like, oh, this thing here.

[Dave]

Is kind of hand sand.

[Tara]

I can't quite get this to work.

[Pam]

If only I could order a pizza, someone could bring it to me. Whose name is Pam. But then, so talk leaves. Because she didn't get any action. Frustrated, she went back to the spa to shower off properly. Right?

[Tara]

Because I was going to get a facial.

[Pam]

So you wanted another shower?

[Tara]

Well, I just sort of splashed up. I mean, there wasn't soap there.

[Pam]

There was indeed. Remember there was this thing.

[Tara]

There's like a gel. But I like, like the woman is gonna be right on me, right? Because I was getting a facial, so I wanted to wash my. I wanted to wash my hair and everything.

[Pam]

You are so gay.

[Tara]

Whatever.

[Pam]

So the target, Dave and I become the most awkward first date ever of like, how are you? I am fine. Okay, well, I am gonna be over here now. I am here.

[Tara]

I know it didn't occur to me.

[Pam]

Marco Polo, to have.

[Tara]

I don't know. But then again, I don't know. Which would have been better for who to go first? Like, theoretically, if Dave went first, then he would be gone. Like, whatever. You and I see each other naked now. But then he would have had to. I don't know where you would have gone when he was going to the shower. And then it was just a.

[Pam]

So Calvin comes and finds Dave and me totally finished and, like, wrapped up.

[Tara]

In towels and not looking at each other.

[Pam]

Not looking at each other. I had to spend some time with Dave's underwear. And then, of course, when he came over, like, how was my underwear? Like, we couldn't not talk about everything. Sorry I left you with my underwear. Kevin was all you can, kids done. And he wouldn't come near us because he didn't know what he was going to do.

[Dave]

He didn't know what he would know.

[Pam]

He totally called from the entrance.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Just doing the zipline signal signs. Yes.

[Pam]

Oh, man. And then he was like, what happened to the other one? Yeah, she laughed. Oh.

[Dave]

Trouble in bear days.

[Pam]

So.

[Tara]

So that was the lava sauna.

[Pam]

So that was the lava sauna. And then I got an outdoor massage and Dave got an indoor massage.

[Dave]

Wait, was yours. What was the difference? Because mine was outdoors.

[Pam]

Oh, really?

[Dave]

It was just in a hut and with blinds on it. It was. Wasn't in the building. It was in those.

[Pam]

So what, your blinds were down, like the little rattan.

[Dave]

Well, you put them down for one. No, I said they're up. Well, he.

[Pam]

Then there's no difference between yours.

[Dave]

I don't really care. It's fine. Why'd they ask?

[Pam]

No, you didn't have an indoor massage. It doesn't sound like.

[Dave]

Yeah, no, it's fine.

[Pam]

It's like you also had an outdoor massage, which is great because you didn't have, like, the ending music playing that you normally get. Yeah. And it was just like, wind and birds.

[Dave]

Birds. Yeah.

[Pam]

Yeah, it was really nice.

[Dave]

And pain.

[Pam]

And a lot of pain.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

I still have bruises on a lot of me.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Why don't you explain how it was? Because there was. I got a lot more detail than this one. Right. And then the immediate postmortem of the massage.

[Pam]

Of the deep tissue massage.

[Tara]

Yes. Your guy was Chad.

[Pam]

Oh, his name was Chad.

[Tara]

And he was asking you if you had any, you know, areas that he knew you needed him to work on.

[Pam]

Right. I have a finger sprain, so he had to stay away from that. And then I asked him to work on my shoulders and my lower back. And then I don't. I don't know what you're Asking me to recall.

[Tara]

Well, because. Cause you said then you had to tell him that you've broken your tailbone. That's where it came out that you were in the derby.

[Pam]

Yes, because he did exactly what I've been wanting someone to do for, like, nine months, which is fix all the nerve endings around my badly healed tailbone. And he did. He got in there. I cried a little. I asked him to run away with me, which, you know you don't want to do. Like, this trip has made me turn into that lady. I point at things and say what they are. Oh, I asked the masseuse to run away with me.

[Tara]

Well, speaking of people being gay, in his comment card, Dave put, I want to marry Robert's hands. So whatever. I don't think you've crossed any lines there.

[Dave]

I think they'll appreciate it. I'm sure everybody in there, you know, very few people walking through there have a sense of humor.

[Pam]

It was an intense massage. Yes.

[Tara]

And yours.

[Dave]

Yeah. I don't remember her asking if I had anything wrong with me. He did ask, or else I would have told him about my condition known as Hercules schlong.

[Tara]

Oh, my God. That was the other greatest joke. When we were going to the salon or to the spa, Dave had his camera, and Pam was like. Because we didn't know what we were doing afterwards. And Pam was like, oh, I don't really know how to feel. We're going to this spa to get naked, and Dave's got his tripod. And Dave says, I don't recall you said anything.

[Dave]

I don't think I said anything.

[Tara]

You did.

[Pam]

You know what you said?

[Dave]

Flies.

[Pam]

He said, I don't need a tripod.

[Tara]

With, like, the disc and everything.

[Pam]

It was 70.

[Tara]

Perfect timing.

[Pam]

I don't need a tripod.

[Dave]

No, you're making things up.

[Tara]

No.

[Pam]

Dave has been dirty twice. You made one other dirty joke that shocked me. It was so dirty. I don't remember Twice. This doesn't happen very often.

[Dave]

It didn't happen. Yeah, the massage was good.

[Pam]

And then we had to walk forever. That was the other part of the curse. Remember? We had to walk forever to the beach that didn't. Beach.

[Tara]

Dave was like, I heard there's a beach here. Kind of.

[Pam]

There was.

[Tara]

There's a sign that said for shoreline access, which is not the same as a beach.

[Dave]

No, no.

[Tara]

And then we walked and walked and walked. And then we came around a ridge. And then it seems like it was like another hill. You could kind of see the ocean. I was like, what the fuck? And then I got sunburned because I just had my first facial of my life, and it was ruined by the endless walking to the shoreline. Yeah, we all got plans.

[Pam]

Coming back from our massages. And then we came back here and passed out.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

And then we went to Kona Brewing Company, and Pam got.

[Pam]

Oh, my God, y'all. I had detoxed. And then I had a beer.

[Tara]

And then she retoxed.

[Pam]

I got hit on.

[Tara]

Oh, yeah.

[Pam]

By a dude who should have left me alone.

[Tara]

What was his line, Pam?

[Pam]

Ha. So what do you want to be when you grow up? He didn't need a tripod either.

[Tara]

Oh, he did.

[Pam]

He needed five tripods. He needed five tripods?

[Dave]

Oh, no.

[Tara]

He had five tripods at home in his mom's basement.

[Dave]

I don't understand a number of pickups. I don't understand any of this.

[Pam]

Oh, God, it was gross.

[Dave]

What was his name again?

[Pam]

Well, we decided.

[Tara]

I decided his name was Grady.

[Dave]

Grady. Yeah.

[Pam]

But I was calling him Bryce before that.

[Tara]

Bryce.

[Pam]

He was asking Bryce for some digits. Call me on your celage when you're.

[Tara]

Ready for some Bryce.

[Dave]

Flip Flop. You're dead.

[Pam]

We also got chased. We got slowly, slowly chased by a man.

[Dave]

Welcome back to the hotel. There's a guy walking behind us in the exact same faces us for like a mile, which they're clearly.

[Tara]

There's three of us and one of him. He's alone. So you think he's, like, put on speed.

[Dave]

He'll hear for like, 20 minutes. Behind us is. And finally we all stop and let him pass. It was like, wow, that was the longest, slowest horror film trailer ever.

[Tara]

Clap your dead.

[Dave]

It's called Flip Flop here.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Pam]

Oh, well, so now we can tell you what. She loved bamboo.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

So there's a picture that they took one of the 19 years they've come here.

[Dave]

Botanical Gardens. Yeah.

[Pam]

Of a memorial plaque near some bamboo that says. What's her name?

[Tara]

Eleanor Crumb.

[Dave]

Eleanor crumb. Whatever. To 2005. And underneath that simply, she loved bamboo.

[Pam]

She loved bamboo.

[Dave]

What a way to be remembered.

[Pam]

And my favorite thing is to use she loved bamboo like an acting exercise and all the ways that it might be. Because we realized at one point it seems.

[Dave]

You know, what did they really mean by that? What was the tone of this plaque in question?

[Pam]

Didn't we talk about how maybe she.

[Tara]

She was horrible.

[Pam]

She was a horrible person. That's the only thing they.

[Dave]

She like saying, like, Hitler's a vegetarian.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

He didn't. He didn't kill animals.

[Pam]

She loved bamboo. And then also that she had left all her money to the botanical garden instead of her.

[Tara]

Her grandchildren.

[Pam]

Grandchildren, which was. She loved bamboo. And then we had all the other ones.

[Dave]

There's the inappropriate relations with bamboo. She loved bamboo.

[Pam]

Bamboo loved bamboo.

[Dave]

She loved. She loved bamboo.

[Pam]

She loved bamboo. That's where I'm not sure what the code is. And then she loved bamboo. We did all of those. That was, like an hour of our lives.

[Tara]

There's also, like, other things she hated.

[Pam]

Well, anyway. Yeah, well, see, we.

[Tara]

She loved bamboo.

[Pam]

Yeah. She loved bamboo.

[Dave]

She loved bamboo.

[Pam]

She loved bamboo. Oh, that was the one where she.

[Tara]

We could do it three in a.

[Pam]

Row of, like, one person saying. And then another person a little more reverential than the last one. She love bamboo. You can't get through it. Bamboo.

[Tara]

I miss her so much.

[Pam]

So that was sort of a. That was a topic ender. Every once in a while, when it get quiet, just be like, well, she loved bamboo. It's fun. I want a T shirt. She loved bamboo.

[Tara]

I forget which one of you said. Are we positive that she wasn't a panda?

[Dave]

She wasn't. Yeah.

[Pam]

She wasn't a panda.

[Dave]

With a lot of money.

[Pam]

A fancy panda. She wore pearls, and she loved bamboo. Yeah. And then wasn't it someone put on your picture that her tombstone's gonna say, she loved. She loved bamboo.

[Tara]

She loved us. Yeah.

[Pam]

Good stuff.

[Tara]

What else did we do?

[Pam]

See, we've been in the car a lot, which is where we've had these things, like Sheila bamboo. And she's a lady.

[Tara]

She's tin lady. Yeah.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

Where's the slip?

[Pam]

The slips in my.

[Tara]

Well, while you're getting it out, we could talk a little bit. What else did we do? We went to the painted church. Mm. Took lots of pictures.

[Pam]

Yep.

[Tara]

Church painter.

[Pam]

Y.

[Dave]

Crazy pastor guy built a church, painted it. Crazy.

[Tara]

We went to. We went to the.

[Pam]

We.

[Tara]

Before we go on to back to tandoori lady, we just talked about the coffee farm.

[Pam]

By the way, my pizza was $78. No, it wasn't.

[Tara]

I ordered it.

[Pam]

This time. I decided to make my own pizza. I don't know what is happening with people that I'm ordering things from, but they all think I'm an idiot. And so this guy was like, you know that cost per item, like, she loved bamboo. I get it.

[Dave]

So is there a place that. Where you can build the pizza for one price and put as much stuff. We do things differently in Hawaii. On Hawaii, you order pizza, we charge you for each topping on the pizza.

[Pam]

You don't have to charge you for each one. Like, not when I'm done with you, sailor. What? Of course you charged me for each $158. But I don't know what the base was. My pizza did cost a little more than your pizza. But your pizza didn't have as many things on it as mine did.

[Dave]

Yours is more like a dome.

[Pam]

It's a phenomenal pizza. They should market it. But you said. Because I remember, I started by going, well, I don't know, how much is this per topping? And then you said, leave a little blue. And so I ordered this pizza, and then I got the warning, like, are you the girl that ate at Sushi Rock earlier? We've heard about you. You don't care.

[Tara]

You just don't care.

[Pam]

This is a dangerous amount of toppings.

[Tara]

We also have some responsibility for the fact that we went to Kona Brewing Company three times and we only went to Sushi Rock once on the last day. And Pam is. This is how they get you to come. Because there's other stuff we haven't done either. We never made coral graffiti.

[Pam]

No. I really wanted to make coral graffiti. And we didn't get to see lava.

[Tara]

We never saw lava.

[Pam]

Or stars. Or stars. Stars to see.

[Tara]

We only went to one beach.

[Pam]

I think it's a really boogie board. We went to one beach last night. I was like, what if we went to another beach? This spawned an hour and a half.

[Tara]

Research which ended with, let's just go back to the same way as you go.

[Pam]

We had two options. At the end of it, Dave said we could either go to the beach seven hours away, or we could just go back to the beach outside. And I said.

[Tara]

And Pam's like, forget it.

[Pam]

I learned my lesson. Yeah.

[Tara]

We should talk a little bit about the dad. The dad did Dave turned into dad the day before.

[Dave]

I was just. We had a lot planned that day, and I know how much you wanted.

[Tara]

We.

[Dave]

Did you not want to do all the things we had going that day?

[Tara]

See, there it is, dad.

[Dave]

We had to watch. We had the day ending lava run. And before that, we wanted.

[Tara]

The lava's not gonna appreciate itself.

[Dave]

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Shut up.

[Pam]

This island can't make itself.

[Dave]

Before that, we had to go see the falls, right?

[Tara]

Oh, yeah.

[Pam]

And the Thurston lava tube the third.

[Dave]

And then we had to go to the heated pool.

[Pam]

Right? We had a lot of stuff that day.

[Dave]

And the lava tree park. Then we had to backtrack into Volcano. Volcano Park.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

See the lava tubes and the calderas and the jaguar museums.

[Tara]

But here's the problem.

[Dave]

Then we had to go back out of the park and all the way back where we were before to see the lava because it's flowing in some weird ass spot right now.

[Pam]

Right. Dave explained that a lot. As if he thought I was so stupid.

[Dave]

Not because you're stupid, because somebody here kept on asking.

[Tara]

No, no, I didn't.

[Pam]

Yeah, you were such dad. It was just that we kept saying things.

[Tara]

I didn't care. I was just whatever you want to do. My concern was that you the best with our two best moments. So at a certain point, Dave realized that we had left too late. Wait, before we get into all this.

[Dave]

Can I not say. Can we not agree.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

That if the lava was flowing, we would have seen everything pretty much on like it would have timed out perfectly.

[Pam]

Everything was great.

[Tara]

Absolutely.

[Pam]

Had I not stolen with some lava rocks a couple days earlier, everything would have been fine.

[Tara]

Okay.

[Dave]

I don't appreciate getting the gears or something that's.

[Pam]

You do remember though, at the USGS there was a sign that said it is extremely random whether or not you get to see the lava and unpredictable. And even the best laid plans could go horribly wrong. Even the USGS said, please don't fight.

[Dave]

But you have to plan. You have to plan for, you know, you can't just, you know, hope that it's going or not.

[Tara]

You have to plan, Pam. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. You know, it's a little gem I heard from someone I call my dad. I feel like we left.

[Pam]

I feel like we left at 6 in the morning.

[Tara]

I know that's not true.

[Dave]

Well, that's one thing is we left a little bit later than I wanted to. We all agreed we'd be leaving at 9 and we had a while on.

[Tara]

His ass for the whole rest of the day.

[Pam]

All right, well, first, that's probably my fault. Not the leaving late, but that we went to Starbucks and then was like, it's too cold.

[Tara]

This was the day I had to.

[Pam]

Do a costume change. Right? No, no, that was Kona day. No, that was the day we went and got me flip flops.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Pam]

So we went shopping. Yeah, we did a little shopping, which.

[Tara]

Probably is what made everything 10 minutes of shopping.

[Pam]

We went to two stores to find flip flops that weren't $80.

[Tara]

Right.

[Pam]

Because the first place they were $40 flip flops.

[Tara]

They were the rainbow ones, which is stupid.

[Pam]

I don't even like flip flops. Flip flops being the reason. Like that sound. I don't like making that sound.

[Dave]

So, so There again. We started late, got out of the house late, and then we lost time to Wainilla. Looking for your damn flip flops.

[Pam]

I know.

[Tara]

All right, so what then what happened was. So we get to. We get to the heated pool. Okay. We go first. We go to the three tiered waterfall. By the time we all get there, we're like, this waterfall kind of sucks. And we each paid $13 to see it. And then we had. It wasn't really that far out of our way from where we were going, but anyway. Yes, yes.

[Pam]

We weren't anywhere near it for the amount of money we spent. But we saw the autograph tree, which.

[Tara]

We saw the autograph tree, which is cool. And so then we got back in the car. We had to go get gas. We had to stop at a drugstore because Pam had been stuck with a thorn and had an allergy attack.

[Pam]

Pilling. I got bit by a mosquito.

[Tara]

I got bit by a mosquito.

[Pam]

I covered myself in the complimentary bug spray and those two were staring at me like, really? And I said, if I get bit, it's gonna be a mess. And then it happened on the one place I guess I didn't spray.

[Tara]

They know.

[Pam]

Everything swelled.

[Tara]

So when we got to. We had to go to a drugstore. So that probably added another 10.

[Pam]

Dave, I ruined the day.

[Tara]

And then. So we get to the heated pool. We've been paddling around for probably about five minutes, and Dave's like, really gotta go.

[Pam]

It was so nice in there.

[Tara]

It was. It really was. And Pam was in her bathing suit. It was just. It was clear that you were like, I don't care as much about lava as I do about being in water right now.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Tara]

But Dave was like, I really think that we. And that because we have to get to the park and then we need to turn around again and then come out again.

[Dave]

A dream deferred is a dream denied.

[Tara]

So you have to go around.

[Pam]

See, you can't just go to the same place that it used to be.

[Tara]

Yes. So I'm in the back seat. After the. After days of, like out of the. Everyone out of the pool. We're back in the car. We have to go to the next place, which is Lava Tree park, because we've brought our warm clothes to go to the volcano park with. So we have to go to the bathroom there. Right. To change into our sensible clothing.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

So get out of the. So Pam and I both changed days and taking pictures in the parking lot of roosters. We walk five feet into the park. Dave's like, this is a lava tree. What happens is when the lava flows over it, it kills the tree inside of it. It coats of his lap and it looks like this. They all pretty much look like this. So, like said was like that look like this one. Just take a picture of this one. Let's get back in the car. He just like, both arms out and.

[Pam]

The rest of the arm looks exactly like this.

[Tara]

So we can go. So I actually had to say, like, Dave let her look at more than one. One tree. Jesus Christ.

[Pam]

He was like, well, I'm just saying, like, she's basically. I told her what it was and then here we are. So let's go. What are we gonna keep looking at these? There's another one. There's another one. There's another one.

[Tara]

So we looked at four more.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

And then Dave's like, we gotta go.

[Pam]

There's another autograph tree there, which is great.

[Dave]

Extra ones. Despite me, that was a power you.

[Pam]

We spent more time looking at Nene's than we did looking at lava trees. 8,000 pictures of roosters.

[Tara]

So then I was waiting for you guys.

[Dave]

You're in the washroom.

[Tara]

So we get back in the car.

[Dave]

You're distorting the tree.

[Pam]

I love that place. The canopies over the parking lot. It was really beautiful. Better than the lava tree.

[Tara]

So we. So then we get back in the car and we go to Volcano National Park. Unfortunately, because of this new lava tree flow, a lot of the park is closed. We didn't realize that until we got there, but we managed to. No, we couldn't have known.

[Pam]

There's no way we could have known.

[Tara]

We couldn't have possibly predicted that.

[Pam]

But they didn't release that. And all the things that we looked at, they did not have a here's what we closed off today alert.

[Tara]

No, they didn't. But we managed to go to the Thurston lava tube. Third. What we did not realize when we made a special shirt to go get flashlights so we can go to this lava tube is that we were really excited to go into the part that that isn't lit up.

[Pam]

I didn't understand what the flashlights were for. I just figured, oh, it's for safety reasons.

[Dave]

So the lava tube is basically a tunnel underground carved out by lava flowing through it. And they have about 18 of the total distance of lava tube lit that you walk through. And then it pops out.

[Tara]

It's very big. Lots of people can walk through.

[Dave]

And then behind a fence, there is the unlit ray of flashlight you're never getting out of here alive.

[Pam]

And if there's a fence, that means you're not supposed to be there.

[Tara]

You can only go in there if you have a flashlight.

[Pam]

Right. But you know, like, there's a fence there for a reason, which is.

[Tara]

Oh, now you obey the rules.

[Pam]

I do obey the rules. That's what I'm saying. I do obey the rules. Except when I want a piece of lava at a place where there's 6.

[Tara]

Billion pieces of lava and an arbitrary curse.

[Pam]

Then they even said we found that the park rangers said they made up that curse to make people stop stealing.

[Tara]

Did you do a snow Said it was true. So we go into the lava tube. I was not prepared for how freaked out you were gonna be. And it wasn't that you were scared of the dark.

[Pam]

No, I'm scared of the dark.

[Dave]

And the dark was absolute.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

Once. Once you round the bend of the unlit part, you know, you're out of eye shot of the rest of it. It is total complete.

[Tara]

It's the blackest black of the. There was.

[Pam]

That's not scary to me, particularly when I was under the safety of my friends. No monsters coming out of the cave. That's not what I'm afraid of. No caves.

[Tara]

Cave in.

[Pam]

That's why they're called cave ins. They cave in.

[Tara]

They cave in.

[Pam]

They.

[Tara]

They cave in.

[Pam]

I don't even know how to explain.

[Tara]

It any more than that.

[Pam]

They cave in and then you die. There have been a lot of them lately.

[Tara]

So the entire time they were like, hey, look over here. Pam's like, shut up.

[Pam]

But they're screaming in this cave.

[Tara]

Like, it's like.

[Pam]

They were like, that's no such thing as caveman.

[Tara]

Like, what are you doing?

[Pam]

Why are you screaming? I can't take a fucking lava frog. But you can dance.

[Tara]

Take your pickaxes.

[Pam]

What are you guys doing?

[Dave]

I think you're confusing Raven there cave ins with avalanches.

[Pam]

That may be. All I knew is I didn't have a canary.

[Tara]

Okay, so that was the lava tube. So then we come out of the lava tube. Gotta get back in the car to drive over to the rest of the park. Wait, wait, wait.

[Pam]

Right before the la. Right before the lava tube was when he stopped for some reason.

[Tara]

No, no, no. This was after.

[Pam]

No, I thought that was before. So we had to get to the lava tube.

[Tara]

No, no, we got to the lava. We had to. We got turned around. But then we went. Because originally there wasn't a parking spot. And then we turned around and there was Parking spot. So we went. We went through the lava tube. That was all fine. We went to the visitor center because Dave was gonna look for a magnet before this. Oh.

[Pam]

When we were on our way to the lava tube, for some reason, Dave pulled over, and we could see activity at one of the calderas.

[Tara]

Oh, yes, yes. We get out of the car, and.

[Pam]

He goes, one picture.

[Tara]

And first of all, I don't even.

[Pam]

Know where we are. I don't know what we're taking a picture of. I think he's kidding. I laugh. I walk over there. I snap one picture. He goes, all right, everybody get back in the car. Let's go, let's go. We gotta get to the lava tube. And I was like, I'm Dave. Don't you want a picture of you? There's a picture of him.

[Tara]

You can Hear him going, 1,1200.

[Pam]

Get in the car. Lava tube. I don't know where we were, but I have a lovely picture of something.

[Tara]

So then we get to the lava tube. So then we're going to go to the visitor center because we're going to drive around the. The crater rim. Drive where you can stop at various points and see the. The old Kilauea caldera and take pictures of it from various points. But this is also where the bathroom is. So Dave stops the car, he turns around, he says to me and Pam, number one only.

[Pam]

Ah. Then gets out of the car.

[Tara]

He ran to the bathroom.

[Pam]

Visitor center. No, we went to the bathroom. He ran into the bathroom.

[Tara]

That's right. He didn't even go to the visitor center.

[Dave]

Salute for mangoes.

[Pam]

So we go to the bathroom. Yeah. And as we walk out, I was like, you know, I half expect Dave to just be driving up, like, get in the car. Motherfucking car. Rounding the bend, coming up to us. Get in. No time.

[Tara]

Except then he wasted all the time by not parking in the parking spaces.

[Dave]

Where he told me they look like bus parking spaces.

[Tara]

They were, but only until 2.

[Dave]

Yeah, I didn't see that. I just looked at that.

[Tara]

So then we drove around to the steam vents where we spent 37 seconds, and then to the next spot where we were.

[Dave]

These are steam vents. Shoot, shoot, shoot the steam through this tree. Smell this here.

[Pam]

Let's go.

[Tara]

He really did. At one point, he was like, hey, Pam, I got your shot. Right down here. Take your picture. Let's get back.

[Pam]

The guy, he did it back. And then he said, stand here and smell and then get in the car.

[Tara]

So we drive past the next spot. There's like, an observatory. And it's all like. Pam's like, oh, USG has observatory. He's like, no, we're not stopping there. We drive 10 more feet and that's the end of Crater Rim Drive. It's closed off. So then Dave is reluctantly like, I guess we can go back to the museum. And so we do.

[Pam]

We stop.

[Tara]

There's Pam's like, oh, that was the other thing. There's this telescope so you can. And so we got to come back and Pam was allowed to look through a telescope, which you looked through.

[Dave]

You decided to put the coin in the kids one instead of the adult size one?

[Pam]

No, I just picked the one nearby.

[Dave]

That's really short.

[Pam]

It was really short.

[Tara]

And then that was when they were outside still taking pictures. And I went inside the visitors and look around for a magnet. And that was when I heard one of the park rangers tell somebody else, don't bother to go to Calpana. Is that where you were to Calapana today? The lava stopped flowing. Thanks, Pam. So that was where the whole thing that, the whole point of the day was that Pam was like, I'd like to see some lava. And Pelly was like, you ain't. Yeah, no, go back to your room and look what you put on your dress up, Pam.

[Pam]

That's all the lava you get, lady.

[Tara]

And then so I had to come to the door when Pam and Dave were both coming in and be like, I have bad news, dad. Dear dad, the lava today is off. And so Dave was looking at the thing, he was like. And that's why I was like, look, it wasn't even. It had just stopped at 3:30, they said. And by that time it was like 3:55.

[Pam]

Oh, was it 5 at that point?

[Tara]

I think it was after. At least it was after four years.

[Pam]

And Dave had decided as long as we left the park by six, we would get in because the last car's in at 8.

[Tara]

And then the park closes at 10. The last car's in at 8.

[Pam]

So we have to leave at 6 because it takes an hour. So we need to allow two hours.

[Tara]

Because the last car is in at 8.

[Pam]

So as long as we left the park at 6 and at 1 point I was trying to help you with something and you just looked at me and went, you had a map and you were to look at the map.

[Tara]

But that's why I had to be like, look, Dave, look. They wouldn't have even let us in before five. So even if we hadn't stopped at every other place that we wanted to. It wouldn't have made any difference because we couldn't have got there any earlier.

[Pam]

Than last card 8.

[Tara]

Besides which, the lava stopped regardless.

[Pam]

Not our fault. I mean, my fault, but not our fault. Not Dave's fault, not Dad's fault, not.

[Tara]

Dad's fault, but not our fault either. What had happened two days previous. So that was then. We went to Hilo and had a nice dinner.

[Pam]

It was trying to replan when we.

[Tara]

Would see lava again, right? But that was when he was out in the car, still parking the car. And that's when I told Pam, like, do you even really want to come back to the side again? Pam's like, I don't.

[Pam]

I was like, you know, you can.

[Tara]

Just tell Dave that. Pam's like, I don't think I can. I didn't think I could. But then he came in the place and we were like. We were just discussing if maybe we didn't want to try and redo this day. And then Dave was like, to be honest, the love is kind of disappointing. I was like, why did we send this entire day? I was so trying to make a.

[Pam]

Big, special day for me. So as crazy as he was making himself, I felt guilty and I was amused. But I. I was so flattered that he wanted to make sure I saw everything he liked about Hawaii, including, like, sunsets. That was today's. Like, we have to get to the sunset. Pam wants to see a sunset. We have to get to the sunset. We ran to a Buddha.

[Tara]

We ran through the Hilton.

[Dave]

That's the sunset.

[Tara]

Listen, that's why I said we should have driven sunset.

[Pam]

No, you were right all night. But it would have been, as we both pointed out, a bajillion dollars to park.

[Tara]

No, it would.

[Pam]

I enjoyed the walk. We saw the yellow birds we weren't.

[Tara]

Allowed to take pieces of because we had no time.

[Pam]

No time. We stopped all the time for coffee.

[Dave]

I was ready to power walk all the way there. But it wasn't. We did.

[Tara]

We're running wedges. What the hell?

[Pam]

We were running after you. That. I blame the chatty Starbucks.

[Dave]

Texas. Yeah.

[Tara]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

We could have saw at least four more minutes of sun.

[Pam]

But we did see the sunset. It was beautiful.

[Dave]

Barely. Barely saw it.

[Pam]

We saw it.

[Tara]

I feel like we came over a bridge. We're like, oh, there's a sun. It can still. And then by the time we were at the bottom of the bridge, it was like, where's the sun at?

[Pam]

It was. It was like you run up, like, what happened? It was as if the sun was like, can you see? It was so fast and gone.

[Tara]

It was very hazy, too. It was not very clear. Like at the observatory. Like at the observatory.

[Pam]

But it was. It was nice. And then we saw lots of whales.

[Tara]

We did see lots of whales.

[Pam]

Yeah, Lots and lots of whales. And then we had more pizza at the brewing company. It's like. It's like Hawaii. You would think there's a lot of pizza on this island, but there's not. It's just when you're with tar and Dave, you're gonna have a lot of garlic.

[Tara]

It's really good. It's really good.

[Pam]

It takes two days to stop tasting the pizza because the ingredients are very fresh. So the garlic and the onion stay with you. That and we make sure that we have enough for the next day. You kind of have it every day.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

I'm sorry I was bossy.

[Pam]

No, it was so amusing.

[Dave]

I wasn't trying to be bossy. I was just trying to get all the stuff we wanted to keep saying.

[Pam]

It was very flattering. You were just trying to make sure that you were being the host with the most.

[Tara]

You were trying to be a good host. Yes. And you were in a scary, scary way.

[Dave]

Did we not. Besides a lava, did we miss anything that we really should have done? I mean, there's always more to do.

[Tara]

Yeah. I mean, we didn't go to South Point, but, you know, there's not really anything to see there except a point that's the southmost point in the US.

[Pam]

You wanted to see the lighthouse. Yeah, And I would have liked to have actually seen a coffee brewing company show.

[Tara]

Well, yeah, we should talk about that too, because that was another thing that we did try to on our first day.

[Pam]

They don't drink coffee, but they like the smell of it. So we went down to the Kona area to get some Kona coffee, because that's the bomb, which is a very pretty drive. And we antiques and other Mr. K's Miracle on Rice, which is a sushi. The. The infamous, possibly fake sushi joint. And then we ended up at a coffee place that said. We researched the coffee places, and this one said that they would welcome you with an aloha and then give you a tour of the facilities. And then you would drink some complimentary coffee and buy some.

[Dave]

You know, I don't drink coffee, but they're complimentary coffee. You know, they had a little kind of smaller, you know, mini cups there and all that kind of stuff. But if you're gonna have world class coffee bought straight from the source. And you have it samples there. Couldn't they get some real fucking milk?

[Pam]

Yeah, they had powdered creamer.

[Tara]

Well, yeah. Really?

[Pam]

First of all, this place did not have the aloha spirit. So we walked in, this guy was like, aloha.

[Tara]

And.

[Pam]

And that was it. There was no tour. We were in a little room that had stuff you could buy.

[Tara]

He didn't even offer. Like you would think when we walk in he'd be like, oh, are you here for the tour?

[Pam]

No, he never offered.

[Tara]

Because then if we weren't interested, then you'd be like, oh, I guess you just want to buy some coffee then. But none was on offer, no tour. And none of us wanted to be like, what's with that? What's with the tour? You're not offering us.

[Pam]

He pointed at the. What is that fancy word for coffee dispense.

[Tara]

That those carafe?

[Pam]

Yeah. Not a carafe jug.

[Tara]

A thermos. No, it has a word.

[Pam]

It's not pot. Anyway.

[Dave]

Poot.

[Pam]

A pooch. They pointed the pooch. And there was some. It was like you were at your office coffee break room. It was those squeezy button tops and. And then the non dairy creamer powder in like industrial form.

[Tara]

Dixie cup.

[Pam]

And little Dixie cups.

[Tara]

Coffee cups.

[Pam]

And then the only tour we got was when I was like, well, can I get this in a bigger bag? No, because he brew the coffee bean. And like, yeah, he was a little snooty coffee sauce.

[Tara]

Then you made it worse by asking for a T. Be ground.

[Pam]

Yes, because I don't have a grinder right now. And then he was all, well, someone back in the other, I guess where the actual plant is, can grind it for you. Which is when I stand around and notice his cd.

[Tara]

It was like something in paradise. Him standing in front of a sunset with his saxophone.

[Pam]

And his ponytail.

[Tara]

And his ponytail and pony. His Hawaiian shirt, of course, his sexy phone.

[Pam]

Really?

[Tara]

It really was. And it was the kind of thing where you see it and it's like. And he was right there and it's his picture on the COVID And it's like it breaks your heart so much. You're like, I need to buy this or I might die today. Like, it's like this is the universe really making me sad.

[Pam]

He's literally in the middle of nowhere trying to sell a demo.

[Tara]

Yeah, yeah. Like he's just this guy who works there and the owners of the farm, like, well, we're gonna sell this. And then he's like, would it be okay if I brought my cd. And they're like, okay, well, that really doesn't go.

[Pam]

Tara keeps buying whatever I'm buying.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah, we forgot about that.

[Pam]

Tara's trying to dress like me. She won. And then when that didn't work out, she just said, hey, see me naked.

[Tara]

Hey. The dress. I picked out the brown one first.

[Pam]

That's true.

[Tara]

You tried the pink one and you didn't like it. And then you copied me.

[Pam]

You agreed that the color washed me out. It did. And then I tried on the brown one, and we both had that. And then we. But then when we saw the necklaces, you said, we can get matching necklaces. We could. It would be nice.

[Tara]

It would be a cute souvenir. We live in different cities.

[Pam]

It's true.

[Tara]

Don't be like a crazy person.

[Pam]

We have a whole outfit. And then I put on a sweater that she was gonna wear. And then I. Oh, look at that necklace. And she was holding it. Yeah.

[Tara]

Oh, yeah, the owl. I forgot about that.

[Pam]

The owl necklace. Right. Yeah. So then one morning, Dave did have to go from one room to the other to make sure we weren't wearing the same thing to dinner. Like evening, not morning. Right? It was dinner time.

[Dave]

It was morning dinner.

[Pam]

What? We eat morning dinner here. You don't know. It's weird time zones. It's four in the morning for you people right now.

[Dave]

Cereal, piece of pizza in it.

[Pam]

We've had pizza for breakfast in the car.

[Dave]

No. But not cereal and milk on the.

[Pam]

Day that we couldn't get out of the car. Eat your pizza.

[Tara]

Eat your pizza.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah. That day we also. Yeah, we brought food with us and we didn't have to get out of the car.

[Tara]

Yes.

[Dave]

That was a really streamlined day.

[Pam]

You also decided when we would eat the pizzas.

[Dave]

That's true.

[Pam]

One piece. We eat two. We each have two pieces of pizza.

[Tara]

We all have one piece now, two bathrooms.

[Pam]

It is time to put the cheez its away.

[Tara]

Well, she knows what I'm about. Remember the ones that I wrote? This is our tribute to tandoori lady at Hapuna Beach.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

Well, she looks like she already screwed up. Well, she smells like turkey dinner and she can't get any thinner. She's a lady. Well, she's never gonna blanch. Try her with a side of ranch. She's a lady. She's a lady.

[Pam]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Tara]

She's a lady. Talking about a tandoor lady. Super fan. And the lady is gross. Take your pants.

[Pam]

Okay. I'm always. I always over. I over syllableize. Let me try here. Well, she's super thin and wispy and she tastes like extra crispy. She's a lady. Is that a very tiny. I know, I'm gonna do it. Is that a very tiny man? No, she's just ridiculously tan. She's a lady. She's out here no matter the weather Turning herself into leather. She's a lady. Well, I'm really apoplectic.

[Tara]

Cause this lady is anorexic.

[Pam]

She's a lady and then I know it. But I'm gonna give it a shot. Here we go. Do the. Okay. Can the sun's rays. Cause you cancel one. Look at her, you have your ansel. She's a laid. That's not how it went, but I don't remember.

[Tara]

Look at her, you have your hurry.

[Pam]

Look at her, you have your ansel. She's a leader.

[Dave]

I only have one.

[Pam]

Yeah, I got one. You have a couple, I think on there, honey.

[Dave]

Interesting rhyme.

[Pam]

And then you're. When you came up with it though.

[Dave]

I find her kind of handy. But she looks like a female Gandhi. She's a lady. She's a big fan of Richard Crana but she looks like Bert Sienna. She's a lady. She's actually kind of nice cuz she comes with a side of rice. She's a lady. God, it'd be really horrible if she died in one day.

[Tara]

I know. Remember we made. We made a bunch of jokes.

[Pam]

She was like, but I don't smoke. That shit'll cause you cancer.

[Tara]

And then they start smoking.

[Dave]

She was smoking good.

[Tara]

Oh.

[Pam]

I can't believe this vision. It was a bad decision.

[Tara]

I can't remember that one either. Wait, did you do the etiquette?

[Pam]

No, no. Do you remember that one? Then?

[Tara]

A breach of etiquette. If she burns to a briquette.

[Pam]

She's elated. On your tongue. You're tacky and crisp. Yeah, these are all very good, Tara. Oh, man.

[Dave]

Rest in peace, tandere lady.

[Pam]

I hope she's here. The next time you're here, you can give her her own postcard and sing her her song and she'll be flattered because there's not much left of her. She is flatter than a curved.

[Tara]

It's laid.

[Pam]

Yep, she's a lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Tara]

She's a lady Talking about that little lady and the lady is mine.

[Pam]

Well.

[Tara]

She never give away always something nice to say and what a blessing I can leave her on her own Knowing she's okay alone and there's no message.