← Listen To Sleep - Quiet Bedtime Stories & Meditations
Listen To Sleep - Quiet Bedtime Stories & Meditations
The Boy Who Followed the River - A Story of Spring Rivers, Old Forests, and Finding Your Way Home
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Hey, it's Eric. Before we begin tonight's episode, just a quick reminder. You're about to hear a few ads that help to support Listen to Sleep. If you'd rather drift off without them, you can join Listen to Sleep plus and get every episode ad free plus bonus stories and meditations. Just go to ListenToSleep.com and click on Support to learn more.
- [00:31]
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To find out more, just search up the podcast with Knox and Jamie wherever you listen to podcasts and prepare to make Wednesday your new favorite day of the week.
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- [02:30]
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Hello friend, it's Eric. Welcome back to Listen to sleep. When I was a boy, I spent lots of time in the woods with my dog. When I couldn't understand the world of people, I found solace in the world of pleasure, plants and animals. My imagination would wander as I walked, and then I'd find myself transported immediately to the present by a bird, a fish or a frog. The trees told me stories. There was a sense that I belonged there, something I didn't find feel in many other places. In tonight's story, a boy and his dog follow a swollen spring river deeper into the forest than they've ever gone, where an ancient cedar and the remains of a forgotten camp ask something quiet of him. It's a gentle, meditative story about presence, loss, and the way wild places hold us even when we don't know we need holding before we begin. If these stories mean something to you, the best way to keep them coming is to join listen to sleep. Plus. You get over 500 episodes ad free, including bonus stories and early releases. It's just me up here on the mountain making all of this, and every person who supports the show makes it possible to keep going. You can find the link in the show notes or head to listentosleep.com support. Let's take a deep breath in and out. Just letting go of the day, feeling the weight of gravity pulling you deep down into the mattress. Another deep breath in and out. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to be. This is your time. Quiet time. One more deep breath in and out. If you get tired while I'm reading to you, that's okay. Just let yourself drift off. The Boy who Followed the river the river had been running high all week. Theo could hear it from his bedroom window at night, louder than usual, the way rivers get in spring when when the snow pack is giving itself back to the valley. He fell asleep to that sound most nights without thinking much about it. But on the Saturday his father drove into town for supplies and left him with the dog and the whole open morning. Theo put on his boots and walked down to the bank just to see it. The dog went first, as she always did. Her name was Roo and she was a medium sized mutt with a deep brown coat and one ear that stood up and one that didn't. She had the kind of confidence that comes not from from being unafraid, but from being curious about everything, including the things that looked a little frightening. She bounded down the slope ahead of Theo and stood at the edge, drinking from the fast water with complete focus. Theo crouched beside her. The river was swollen and quick, carrying sticks and foam and occasionally whole sections of uprooted bank. The color was that cold tan of early snow melt, not the clear green it would be by June. He put his hand in and pulled it back fast. He was ten years old and knew enough about cold water to respect it. He hadn't planned to walk far, but Roo had already moved upstream, nose down, reading something he couldn't read. He followed because that was usually what happened when they went out together. He would have a direction and she would find a better one. The forest that ran along the river was mixed pine and cedar, with young alder growing in the wetter places near the bank. In the spring the undergrowth was low and soft, and the light came through at a low angle that made everything a little golden, even the mud. Theo walked with his hands in his jacket pockets. He wasn't cold, but he liked how it felt compact, like a little turtle. He knew this stretch of river well. His family had lived in the valley for three generations, and his grandmother, who had died when he was 7, had known the names of most of the plants. She used to point them out as they walked, and he would nod without quite absorbing them, and now he wished he'd paid better attention. He was beginning to understand that there were things you could only learn from certain people, and that those windows didn't stay open forever. He thought about her sometimes when he was in the woods. Not with sadness exactly, or not only with sadness. More like the way you think about someone when something reminds you of them and you feel their shape still present in the world, the outline of who they were. His grandmother had been a small, deliberate woman who had moved slowly through forests and quickly through kitchens, and who believed that the natural world was always trying to tell you something if you were quiet enough to listen. Theo was not always quiet enough. He knew this about himself, but today there was no school to think about and no one else in the woods and the river beside him was loud enough to fill the spaces where his thoughts usually ran, and he found that he was just walking, just putting one foot in front of the other on the soft spring ground, watching the light move through the trees. Roo stopped and looked back at him. I know, he said. He didn't know what he meant by it, but she seemed satisfied and kept moving. They passed a big granite boulder he thought of as the turning point, the place where he usually stopped and threw a stick for Roo, then turned back. But today she didn't stop and neither did he. He was curious about what the high water had done to the stretch above the boulder. He'd never been up there during a wet spring. The river had jumped its banks in a few places, pushing into low flats and making temporary ponds that stood still and clouded among the trees. In one of these Theo saw a heron, very still, watching the surface. He stopped and Roo stopped beside him. They watched the heron for what might have been two minutes. The bird didn't move. Then it did. A sudden jerk of neck and beak and the bright flicker of something small and silver was swallowed, and then it was still again. Theo let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. He had the feeling he sometimes got when something happened right in front of him that he hadn't expected. A feeling not quite of excitement and not quite of calm, but somewhere in between, like the world had handed him something real. They kept walking. The trail, such as it was, narrowed and then vanished under the flood water and then reappeared on higher ground. Theo picked his way along, testing the ground with each step, watching where Roo put her feet and usually trusting her judgment. She had never led him into anything he couldn't get out of. It was somewhere in here that he realized he was not entirely sure where he was. This was a new feeling in this particular place. He had grown up in this valley. He had walked in these woods his whole life. But the high water had changed the shape of things, moved the landmarks he relied on, and the light had gone a bit dimmer as clouds moved in. He wasn't scared, he noticed that, clearly, turned it over in his mind, looked at it. He was not scared. He was something else, more here than he normally was. The thing that made him not scared was that he had Roo, and Roo always knew where home was. He had tested this twice, accidentally and once on purpose, and she had never been wrong. He sat down on a log to think. The log was mossy and damp and he could feel the cold through his jeans. But he stayed. Roo came and stood close to him, not touching, but near the river, moved past them, still fast, still tan, indifferent to everything. A junco landed in the alder above him, looked around once, and left. He had been in a hurry that morning without knowing it, the low hum of the school week still in him even on a Saturday, the sense that time was a thing that to get through rather than a thing to be in. But sitting here with the dog beside him and the river in front and the whole forest around, quiet under the clouds, that hum had stopped. He didn't know exactly when it had stopped. It had just stopped. He looked at his Hands in his lap. His left thumb had a small cut on it from splitting kindling the day before. The skin around it had the beginning of a callus. His grandmother had told him once that you. You could read a life in a pair of hands, and he had thought she meant old hands, grown up hands. But as he looked at his now, he thought maybe she had meant all hands. A little further on, the forest changed. The trees were older here, or at least some of them were. One cedar in particular, set back from the bank on a slight rise, was enormous, its trunk wider than his arm, span by several times, its bark deeply furrowed and reddish brown and slightly shaggy. He stopped in front of it and looked up into it. The branches started high up, far above his head and spread in long slow arcs, and the light fell through them in broken pieces. He put his palm flat against the bark. It was rough and damp. He could feel the ridges of it against his hand. He stood like that for a long moment, not thinking about anything in particular, just feeling the tree. His grandmother had done this. He had seen her do it once with a black oak near the old orchard. She had placed her whole palm on the bark the same way and closed her eyes for a moment. And he had been young enough to find it a little silly, an adult standing in the woods, touching a tree with her eyes closed. He did not find it silly now. Roo sat at his feet and waited. When he took his hand away, there was a faint reddish tint on his palm from the bark. He looked at it without wiping it off. Further upstream, the flooded flats opened into something unexpected. A small clearing where the bank widened and the ground rose just enough to stay dry even at this water level. And in the clearing, nearly hidden under years of encroaching fern and ivy, were the remains of an old camp. It was not much. Two parallel rows of stones that had once been a fire ring, now scattered and half sunk into the earth. A section of rusted metal curved, that might have been part of a camp stove or a bucket, he couldn't tell. And against a leaning cedar stump almost entirely covered in moss, a low wooden structure, more of a platform, really, that had once been the floor of a small shelter. Theo stood at the edge of the clearing and looked at all of it. Whoever had been there was long gone. Not just gone for the season, but gone in the permanent way, the way that left things to the moss. The camp had been empty for a long time, returned to the forest so gradually that the forest had accepted it without fuss. The fern grew right up through the gaps in the platform boards, the fire ring stones had each sunk to their own depth, settled into their own angles. A cedar seedling, probably about the same age as Theo, had rooted itself directly in the center of where the fire would have been. He walked slowly into the clearing and crouched by the fire ring. He picked up one of the stones, a flat piece of river granite, smooth on one side, and turned it over in his hands. It was the same stone you'd find anywhere along this river, but this one had been chosen and carried here by someone, set in place with intention. Someone had gathered these stones. Someone had built a fire here, probably many fires, and had sat beside them, looking out at this same river which had been running then, just as it ran now, fast and cold and full of snowmelt, indifferent and continuous. He set the stone back where he'd found it. Roo was moving around the perimeter of the clearing, reading it with her nose, making a slow circuit with great thoroughness. Theo sat down on a dry patch of ground near the platform and looked at the river through the trees. He thought about the person who had camped here. He didn't try to make up a story about who they were or why they'd come. He just thought about the fact of them, the way they were real and present and then not, and the camp was what remained, going back to earth, and the river just kept running. He thought about his grandmother and about her knowing of things, the plant names, the tree names, the way she read, the weather by the behavior of animals. All of that existed only in her while she was alive and then was gone, when she was gone, or most of it was. Some of it had made it to him, the edges of it, the fact that there was something to know, even if he didn't quite know it yet. He sat with that for a while. The clouds had thinned and a soft light was moving across the clearing, the kind of spring light that seems to come from everywhere at once. The ferns were a very bright green in it, the new growth even brighter, the unfurling fronds almost luminous. He had not cried when his grandmother died. He had been seven, and he had not fully understood, and by the time he did understand, the right moment for crying seemed to have passed, and so he carried it around as a kind of sealed thing, present but not opened. Sitting in this old stranger's camp with the river going by, he felt something loosen in him, not dramatically, not enough to cry, just a small internal shift, like a knot that had been pulled tight for a long time, that Someone had reached in and touched lightly. He breathed in, he breathed out. Roo came and sat beside him, leaning her warmth against his leg, And after a while he stood up and looked at Roo. Okay, he said. Take us home. She lifted her nose and turned slowly, as if reading something in the air, and then she pointed herself back the way they'd come. Not the trail exactly, since the trail was underwater in places, but home reliably, the way she always did it. They walked back differently than they'd walked out. Theo was less in his head, less narrating, less removed from his own feet on the ground. The forest looked different going the other direction, which it always did, though he could never quite say why. The same trees, the same light, but from this angle they made a different thing. He started noticing things he'd missed going out. A cluster of trillium in a flat between two roots, three white petals slightly past their peak, beginning to go pink. A rough skinned newt crossing the path with great deliberateness, orange belly briefly visible as it navigated. A stick. The smell of the alder, green and wet and slightly sweet, which was maybe his favorite smell in the world and which he had never actually named to himself before now, he said out loud, to no one in particular. Alder. Roo glanced back at him. It smells good, he told her. She appeared to agree. He found himself moving more slowly than he usually did, not because the ground was hard going, though in some places it was, but because he kept stopping. A spider swab between two branches beaded with mist, the place where a woodpecker had been working at a dead snag, the fresh pale wood showing beneath the bark. A rock in the middle of the river that had a small bouquet of sticks against its upstream face, turning slowly in the current, not letting go. He had walked in these woods so many times, maybe hundreds, and there was always more of it than he had seen. He thought that was probably true of everything. They came back to the big granite boulder and he recognized it with a warm feeling, the way you feel when you see something familiar after being away. He put his hand on it as he passed. The granite was cold and slightly rough and absolutely permanent in the way that only very old stone is, and he kept his hand on it for a few steps until he had to let go. His grandmother used to say that the land remembered you even when you forgot to remember it. He had not known what she meant when she said it, but he was beginning to now. The heron was gone from the flooded flat. The pool remained still and gray under the softening sky. Theo stopped and looked at the place where the bird had stood and tried to hold the image of it, the efficiency of its strike, the way stillness and speed had existed in the same body at the same moment. He didn't know why this had mattered to him, only that it had. This was something he was still learning about himself, that certain things mattered to him, and he didn't always know in advance which things they would be. A heron fishing, a callus on a thumb, the smell of alder. He thought maybe everyone was like this, collecting things without knowing they were collecting and only understanding later what the collection was for. He thought about the old camp back upstream, the stone he had picked up and set back down. The person who had gathered those stones was gone, but the stones remained, and something about their arrangement still spoke of a human presence, a human intention. You could leave things behind without meaning to you, could be a part of a place in ways that outlasted you. He wasn't sure he fully understood that yet, but he understood that it was true. Roo came back and bumped his hand with her nose. He scratched behind her ear that stood up and then behind the other one, just to be equal. The house came into view through the trees before he expected it, which usually meant he had taken a slightly different way home than he had thought. The windows were lit, which meant his father was back from town, which meant something warm was probably happening in the kitchen. Theo stopped at the edge of the trees for a moment before going in. He looked back at the forest, at the line of cedar and pine, at the dark suggestion of the river somewhere beyond it, carrying itself with wherever it was carrying itself, not arriving anywhere, not departing, just moving in the way it always moved and always would. His grandmother had told him once that every river had been going since before anyone could remember, and would keep going long after, and that the part of it you saw from a bank was only a sliver of something enormous that had no beginning and no end in any sense that a person could hold in their mind. He had been six years old and hadn't known what to do with that. Now it felt right sized. He thought about the cedar with the wide trunk, the bark still faintly on his palm. He thought about the fire ring stones and the seedling growing up through the middle of where the fire had been, and the way the forest was slowly, patiently taking the camp back. He thought about the heron, motionless and then suddenly not. He thought about his grandmother's hands, smaller than his father's, always slightly cool to the touch knowing the names of things. He wasn't sure what it all added up to. He wasn't sure it added up to anything exactly in the way that a math problem added up to something. It felt more like how the light worked in the forest, coming from everywhere all at once. Roo sat beside him, patient, waiting for him to decide he was ready. That was another thing he loved about her. She never pushed. She would stand here with him as long as he needed to stand here, because she was not somewhere else in her mind. She was here with him, looking at the same trees in the same light, with the same river in her ears. He breathed in once, the whole air cold and green and slightly sweet, and then he crossed the yard toward the house. At the door he stopped and pulled off his boots, leaving them on the mat with their mud and their bent laces. He could hear his father moving in the kitchen, the soft knock of a pot against a burner. He could smell something cooking. He stood for a moment in his socks, on the cold step, the door half open, the warmth coming out to meet him. He didn't know what to call what the day had given him. He would probably not try to explain it to his father over dinner. Some things were shaped in a way that didn't fit easily into words, or at least not yet. Maybe later, when he was older. Maybe it would become a story he told the spring. The river ran high and he followed it further than he meant to, and what he found there. Or maybe it would just live in him quietly, the way the valley lived in him, the way the names of things lived in him even when he couldn't quite reach them. Roo went in first, and he followed. The door closed behind them. The river kept going. Rest well, friend. Good night.