Live Free with Josh Howerton

Episode 38: Why The American Marriage Process WRECKS Marriages (And How to Fix It)
Lakepointe Church – September 1, 2025

Overview

In this candid, rich episode, Pastor Josh Howerton—joined by his wife Jana and team member Carlos—dives deep into why the American approach to dating, engagement, and marriage often sets couples up for struggle and failure. With threads of biblical theology, honest Q&A, and practical marriage advice, the conversation challenges cultural norms around love, commitment, and divorce. The episode also addresses hot-button listener questions on intimacy, boundaries, parenting, and the darker realities at play in today’s culture, concluding with a sobering discussion about recent demonic influence displayed in national news.

Main Themes and Purposes

• Unpacking the biblical concept of marriage as a covenant vs. a contract.
• Exposing the flaws in the typical American marriage process and offering “how to fix it.”
• Tackling difficult questions around divorce, boundaries, sexual sin, parenting, and more.
• Exploring the spiritual warfare manifesting in current events.
• Equipping listeners to discern culture versus Scripture and build marriages that thrive.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

[00:55–03:18] Series Context & Listener Connections

• Episode is part of Lakepointe’s 4-week “Song of Solomon: Love Life” series.
• Record-breaking church attendance—clear hunger for honest biblical teaching on marriage.
• Q&A is driven by listener-submitted questions, especially on intimacy and relational struggles.
• Lighthearted icebreaker game “This or That” offers a playful window into Josh and Jana’s dynamic.

[10:08–21:59] Marriage as Covenant: Deep Theology & Its Implications

• Marriage = Covenant, not Contract
  • Covenant is an “even if,” not “if then” agreement.
  • Biblical covenants: God commits to humankind in love that transcends conditions.
  • Genesis 15—The origin of “walking down the aisle” and the seriousness of covenant promises.
  • Jesus fulfills every biblical covenant, becoming the ultimate sacrificial Lamb.
• Key Quote:
  “In a covenant, what's happening is two people are saying, even if you are not what you should be to me, I am going to be what I should be to you.”
  — Josh [21:00]

[21:59–29:42] Why Marriages Fail: Gendered Pitfalls and Cultural Patterns

• Women’s Traps (Jana): Bitterness, unforgiveness, toxic friendships, unrealistic expectations set by romance media.
  • Quote: “If you have a circle of friends who… just sit around…complaining about…their husband…I've seen what that does to their marriages.” — Jana [24:23]
• Men’s Traps (Josh): Withdrawal, seeking “younger, hotter” models, neglecting marriage for hobbies, refusing repentance.
  • “If hot people having good sex resulted in great marriages, then all the best marriages would be in Hollywood.” — Josh [32:54]
• Key Insight: Both genders lose sight of covenant commitment when they allow culture, bitterness, or selfishness to take over.

[35:44–51:25] Covenant vs. Contract: Practical Differences

• Contrasts between contract and covenant relationships:
  • Contract: Two people, self-service, recording wrongs, punishment for failure.
  • Covenant: Three parties (spouses + God), mutual service, no record of wrongs, grace and forgiveness.
  • “If two people do that, their marriage is gonna be fine 100% of the time.”
    — Josh [37:15]
• The marital health of your friendships matters immensely—“show me your five closest friends…”

[38:57–49:15] Divorce, Remarriage, and Abuse: What the Bible Actually Says

• Biblically permissible divorce: Only in the case of physical adultery or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse (Matthew 5, 1 Cor 7).
  • “...if you enter into another marriage under those [unbiblical] scenarios, you are committing adultery.” — Josh [41:49]
  • Quote: “Try and see if the Lord can redeem the thing.” — Josh [42:32]
• Not legitimate grounds for divorce: “I’m not happy,” “he doesn’t pay enough attention,” sexual dissatisfaction.
• Abuse: Legitimate, severe abuse necessitates separation for safety; caution against overusing/misusing the term.

Notable Q&A — “How to Fix It” and Everyday Marriage

[50:46–56:14] Practical Dating: How to Drop Hints & Healthy Matchmaking

• Advice for single women: Be present where godly men are, serve in ministries, compliment appropriately. Guidance against chasing passive men.
• Best marriage incubators: Serving together and receiving wisdom from godly mentors.
• Quote: “Serve on the greeting team at your church or in the student ministry...doing ministry with other people…is literally the best way to identify who would be a great spouse.” — Josh [53:12]

[56:19–58:24] Sexual Sin in Dating: Flee or Fight?

• Grace and forgiveness are available, but habitual sexual sin in dating is a red flag—seek repentance, set boundaries, or leave if patterns persist.
• “Yes to forgiveness, but you should be saying no to patterns.” — Josh [57:57]

[58:26–69:45] Prioritizing Marriage During “Toddler Years”

• For mothers: Structure and boundaries (sleep schedules, independent play) create energy margin for marriage.
  • “Your job is to create a life where priority and intimacy with your husband…can happen.” — Josh [64:41]
  • “Put the oxygen mask on mama first.” — Josh [67:08]
• For fathers: Step up to alleviate the burdens, arrange date nights (does not always mean going out).
• On co-sleeping: Strong advice against, for the sake of marital intimacy and unity.

[69:41–79:57] How Long Should You Date/Be Engaged?

• Date just long enough to decide—not to waste years in ambiguity.
• Short engagements after pre-marital counseling and alignment on faith, money, kids, and family.
  • “When you start living together, you are not practicing for marriage. You are practicing for divorce.” — Josh [73:17]
• Recommend low-cost, low-friction weddings. Invest wedding money in a home, not a party.

[80:07–88:15] Phones, Secrets, and Boundaries

• Spouses should have full transparency—open phone access and no secrets (distinction between privacy, secrets, and surprises).
• “Christians say yes to surprises, yes to privacy. We say no to secrecy because it’s a demonstration of distrust...” — Josh [83:00]
• No room for regulars at Twin Peaks or Hooters or for weaponizing sex in marriage.

[88:30–97:39] Encouragement & Nuggets

• Marriage gets better with age—testimony from a listener in her 60s underscores hope and possibility.
• When you “don’t like your husband,” be a hummingbird, not a buzzard: “What you focus on with your words grows.” — Josh [97:23]

[99:35–124:08] The Dark Side: Spiritual Warfare in Today’s News

[99:35–124:08] Demonic Influence Behind Tragedies

• Discussing recent church shooting by a transgender-identifying biological male—clear markers of demonic oppression:
  • Targeting Christian children, anti-Semitic/anti-Christian messages, and explicit hatred for God and Christ.
  • Shooter’s journal reveals demonic voices and lack of control—direct echo of demonic possession in Mark 5.
  • Josh: “This is the most overt demonic activity I've ever seen chronicled in the national news.” [101:35]
  • Carlos: “When you see yourself in the mirror and don't see the image of God but the image of Satan—that's oppression… Rejecting your identity from God leads to shame and self-destruction.” [110:10–111:57]
• Christians must discern and not shy away from naming the spiritual realities—while maintaining empathy and loving the person, not the ideology.
• Quote: “Whatever God creates, Satan copies… Demonic oppression and possession are the satanic counterfeits of being filled with the Spirit.” — Josh [109:11]
• Don’t let empathy blind you into affirming lies: “Empathy and love are not synonymous. Love always rejoices with what is true.” — Carlos [121:24]

[124:17–125:22] Closing Prayer & Encouragement

Jana closes with prayer:
Gratitude to God, intercession for marriages and singles, petition for discernment in a world full of lies, and a plea for a hedge of protection and sanctification for God’s people.

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “In a contract…it’s ‘If you do this, then I'll do this.’ In a covenant…even if you are not what you should be to me, I am going to be what I should be to you.” — Josh [21:00]
• “You didn’t fall out of love. You fell out of repentance and forgiveness.” — Josh [30:04]
• “Girls—if your circle is affirming you in all the wrong ways…that breaks down your marriage.” — Jana [25:55]
• “The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence, it’s greener where you water it.” — Josh [33:33]
• “If two people do that…serve each other like Jesus…their marriage is gonna be fine 100% of the time.” — Josh [37:15]
• “Try and see if the Lord can redeem the thing [even in cases of divorce].” — Josh [42:32]
• “Put the oxygen mask on mama first—your first priority is to keep you good.” — Josh [67:08]
• “Date just long enough to decide.” — Josh [73:14]
• “When you start living together, you are not practicing for marriage. You are practicing for divorce.” — Josh [73:17]
• “What you focus on with your words grows. The book of Proverbs says the power of life and death is in the tongue.” — Josh [97:23]
• “This is the most overt demonic activity I’ve ever seen chronicled in the national news…” — Josh [101:35]
• “Be careful not to let empathy blind you from being loving to other people.” — Carlos [122:15]

Segment Timestamps

• 00:40–03:18: Welcome, series context, preview of main topics
• 03:34–10:08: Icebreaker game “This or That”
• 10:08–21:59: Marriage as covenant—biblical theology
• 21:59–35:44: Gender-specific pitfalls in marriage
• 35:44–38:57: Contract vs. covenant relationships
• 38:57–49:15: Divorce, remarriage, and abuse
• 50:46–56:14: Q&A: Single women, dating, and matchmaking
• 56:19–58:24: Q&A: Sexual sin in dating
• 58:26–69:45: Prioritizing marriage in parenting years
• 69:41–79:57: How long should you date? Fixing the American process
• 80:07–88:15: Phones, secrets, marital boundaries
• 88:30–97:39: Encouragement for marriages, hope for the future
• 99:35–124:08: Spiritual warfare in current events
• 124:17–125:22: Closing prayer and goodbye

Conclusion

This episode pulls no punches while offering hope: the American path to marriage needs a biblical reset. With unfiltered honesty and deep compassion, Josh, Jana, and Carlos equip listeners to build strong marriages and spiritually discern the lies and attacks rampant in culture. If you want practical wisdom, scriptural grounding, and actionable advice on marriage in today’s world, this is required listening.