From Abuse to Power: Reclaiming Your Life

Summary

Living The Red Life — "From Abuse to Power: Reclaiming Your Life"

Host: Rudy Mawer
Guest: Sherry Lou Canino
Date: May 23, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of Living The Red Life centers on overcoming narcissistic abuse, reclaiming personal power, and the journey toward self-realization. Host Rudy Mawer welcomes equine therapist and coach Sherry Lou Canino for a candid, deep, and often emotional conversation about her personal path from childhood trauma to empowerment. The discussion addresses the roots of narcissism, signs of abusive relationships, the cultural myths surrounding these issues, and the transformative role of self-awareness and unique healing tools—like horses—in recovery.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Healing Journey: From Trauma to Empowerment

• Sherry reflects on the emotional impact of recounting her life story during the “Woman in Power” episode, particularly when discussing her relationship with her protective older sister.

  “Some memories from childhood came up… My oldest sister without a doubt would probably be one of my biggest mentors... Just had a few little mushy moments.” (03:04)

• Her daily motivation: caring for her four horses and empowering clients, especially women emerging from narcissistic abuse.

  "Helping people, you know, I really, absolutely love working with people… I get to help women just find their power again." (04:06)

2. Understanding Narcissism & Its Myths

• Can narcissists recognize their narcissism?

  “They know what they’re doing. … If they can turn it on in circumstances when they want to or need to and turn it off, of course they know. So don’t be fooled.” (00:36, 06:56)

• Narcissistic relationships — who picks whom?
  Sherry challenges the notion that empaths are targeted by narcissists, asserting instead that survivors often choose such partners due to unresolved childhood wounds.

  “We’re picking them, they’re not picking us… It’s their facade, you know. I always picked older men, you know, the facade of like they’re going to take care of me. Of course, we all either have mommy or daddy issues.” (04:24)

• Roots of narcissism: Explains the developmental origins without placing blame, emphasizing that lack of proper nurturing (particularly maternal) in early childhood is scientifically linked to the development of narcissistic traits.

  “From zero to age three, it’s the mom that nurtures the child. It’s the moment that actually turns the child into a narcissist. … We’re not blaming moms. We’re just explaining that this is how it happens.” (09:10)

3. Healthy vs. Malignant Narcissism

• Rudy asks if some narcissism is necessary for modern success.
• Sherry distinguishes between “healthy narcissism,” which is important for basic self-care and ambition, and malignant narcissism, which is destructive.

  “We have to have healthy narcissism or we wouldn’t take care of ourselves… Or there’s malignant narcissism.” (07:34)

4. Cultural Pressures and Individual Pathways

• Both hosts discuss societal expectations around relationships, career, and success—and the value of rejecting those “boxes.”

  “Why are you putting yourself in a box?... Just because what everybody else is doing, what’s right for you isn’t what’s right... That doesn’t turn you into a narcissist.” (10:36) “I say, fuck culture… The worst thing that we do is keep putting everybody in a box. That doesn’t let us grow as people. It doesn’t let us have dreams.” (13:05, 13:09)

5. Family Dynamics & Breaking the Cycle

• Open discussion about parental mental illness and how negative patterns are passed down—and the conscious effort to break free.

  “Mental illness is contagious.” (11:49) “I had to make the… decision of stabbing Han Solo in the heart and killing off my father with both my mother and father. … A lot of my narcissistic qualities… is because of my mother. … The moment I realized that and disconnected her, I found the peace…” (11:55)

6. Recovery, Growth & Coaching Others

• Sherry takes responsibility for her parenting mistakes but celebrates ongoing growth and a healthy adult relationship with her son.

  “I still mothered him wrong. I still taught him to be just like me and a people pleaser and a fawner… but at the time, I did the best that I could do with what I knew.” (14:13)
  “If you don’t know what you don’t know…” (14:25)

7. Practical Tools for Detecting & Avoiding Narcissists

• Spotting narcissists: Online dating makes it too easy for abusers to hide; best to meet people face-to-face.

  “I would tell people to stop online dating… get to know these people. … We fall in love with the facade… Now if you can get in front of somebody… you can trip them up in lies.” (16:47, 17:04)

• Key question for dating:

  “I wouldn’t say, what do you do for work? I would say, how do you spend your days?” (17:29)

8. Equine Therapy & Lessons from Horses

• Sherry shares her philosophy on the healing and trust-building qualities of being with horses, drawing parallels between earning a horse’s trust and rebuilding human trust post-abuse.

  "One of the biggest things I would say to men or women in narcissistic, abusive relationships… go be around horses. Horses are prey animals and they don't just trust you. And if you can earn their trust, you will learn what you should be doing with men or women in your relationship to have them earn your trust… It shouldn't just be given." (00:00, 20:34)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On growing up and breaking boxes:

  "I'm burning all the boxes, and nobody's ever putting me in a box again. I don't like boxes. Forget it." (13:35)

• On culture and societal norms:

  "I say, fuck culture." (13:05)

• On healing and empowerment:

  "We all have it. It's in us. But we have narcissists make us forget that we have it. They want us to think we have nothing without them." (15:33)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:00 – Horses and trust; learning about relationships from equine behavior
• 04:24 – Why survivors are drawn to narcissistic partners
• 06:56 – Do narcissists understand their own behavior?
• 07:34 – Healthy narcissism vs. malignant
• 09:10 – Developmental roots of narcissism
• 13:05 – Rejecting cultural boxes
• 14:13 – Parenting, mistakes, and ongoing growth
• 16:47 – Spotting narcissists; online vs. offline dating
• 20:34 – Equine therapy as a tool for trauma recovery and trust-building

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Sherry Lou Canino — Resources & Next Steps

• Connect: hopefullywild.com
• Upcoming: Sherry plans to host equine therapy retreats once her facilities are ready, offering immersive healing experiences with her horses.

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Living The Red Life delivers a powerful message in this episode: Transformation after abuse requires self-compassion, dismantling old social scripts, and sometimes—learning from the quiet wisdom of a horse.

Transcript

[A]

One of the biggest things I would say to men or women in narcissistic, abusive relationships or if they want to learn to trust, go be around horses. Wow. Horses are prey animals. And they don't just trust you. And if you can earn their trust, you will learn what you should be doing with men or women in your relationship to have them earn your trust.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

It shouldn't just be given.

[B]

Folks tell me that narcissists don't know they're narcissists. Can you tell me what your philosophies on the topic are?

[A]

Okay, they know what they're doing. Because if they can turn it on in circumstances when they want to or need to and turn it off, of course they can. And of course they know. So don't be fooled.

[B]

How do you spot a narcissist? Is there a clever trick saying, oh, well, he's wearing red on a Friday narcissist? Like, what is the telltale signs?

[A]

Personally, I would tell people then.

[B]

My name is Rudy Moore, host of Living the red life podcast, and I'm here to change the way you see your life in your earpiece every single week. If you're ready to start living the red life, ditch the blue pill, take the red pill. Join me in wonderland and change your life. Welcome to another episode of the living your legacy podcast, the Red life edition. Joining me today is another amazing woman in power. Power. I'm joined by Sherry Lou Canino. Sherry, you literally finished filming your episode in an easy bake oven. Give us a little bit of the experience of filming your woman in power episode in a very warm room because her air conditioner is broken.

[A]

Well, it was actually very empowering. We had a few emotional moments. So very cathartic and very healing as well. I will say more intense than I expected.

[B]

I don't. I don't find you intense. I don't find you an intense person. Sherry, are you an intense person?

[A]

No, not too much, but I. I felt like the whole take on it was a little more intense than I. Intense is the wrong word.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

In depth. Much more in depth than I thought it was going to be. You know, I'm 52. So I told the camera guy, I said, hey, if you would have got me in my 30s, it would be a lot less to tell.

[B]

What will we learn about your episode? Why was it so intense?

[A]

So, you know, I think some memories from childhood came up, some things with my sister that I had kind of. I don't want to say I had forgotten about, but I hadn't Thought about in quite a while. My oldest sister without a doubt would probably, probably be one of my biggest mentors and she would have been my, one of my big protectors in childhood and yeah, just had a few little mushy moments about some things with her. So.

[B]

Right on. What is currently your day to day hustle? Your why? What's getting you out of bed?

[A]

Work wise or work wise?

[B]

Life wise. All of the above.

[A]

I have four horses, so they get me out of bed because one, I need to take care of them, but also their my life.

[B]

Are they. Are they literally waiting for you out the window? Like when do you wake up? Do you just wake up to a horse in your face?

[A]

Not yet, but.

[B]

Yeah, but wouldn't be great.

[A]

That's the goal. I need more fencing.

[B]

Right on.

[A]

No, they're. They're in their stalls. But honestly, helping people, you know, I really, absolutely love working with people and the one on ones, it's amazing. It really is. I meet so many great people and it's not that I work only with women, because I don't. I work with a lot of men too.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

But I get to help women just find their power again.

[B]

Wow. What is your. What is your common client? What do you see as a common thread amongst women that you help?

[A]

We all have narcissistic abuse. So that's the big.

[B]

Almost like a rite of passage.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It's childhood trauma. Yeah. I mean, so with people, one of the biggest things that they don't realize is that we're getting in the narcissistic, abusive relationship. We're picking them, they're not picking us.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's a very misconception when people say he picked me because I'm an empath.

[B]

Sorry for laughing out of the show.

[A]

That's a little bit of a narcissistic stance there. No, we pick them. It's their facade, you know, I mean, I always picked older men. You know, the facade of like they're going to take care of me. Of course, we all either have mommy or daddy issues. So.

[B]

Do narcissists know they're narcissists? I went through a phase where I thought I was a narcissist. I went through a really bad breakup and went through some shame. Like, am I the narcissist that I create this? I clearly created it, but that's the level of narcissism. Folks tell me that narcissists don't know they're narcissists. Can you tell me what your philosophies

[A]

on the topic are okay in this day and age. They know because it's everywhere. Right. So when my son's biological father was diagnosed. So my son was born in 93. Narcissism was not a buzzword.

[B]

Rudy was born in 92. No, 91, actually. Oh, my.

[A]

Well, I graduated high school in 91, so there you go.

[B]

Right on. Very cool. I was 2001. Carry on.

[A]

But, yeah, so back then it wasn't a buzzword. So when he got diagnosed, when my son was about 10. Ish. No, he probably didn't know he was a narcissist because they said he's a narcissist. I was like, okay, great. All I cared about that he was going to get custody, he was going to get visitation, and he was going to go away. Now, Right? Nowadays, yes.

[B]

Oh, absolutely.

[A]

Yeah. Unfortunately they do, but they're not going to go get help for it. Some of them may just realize that they got something going on, that something's off, but they know what they're doing. Because if they can turn it on in circumstances when they want to or need to and turn it off, like Professor Sam Vacnin will say, if they've been arrested and they're in jail or, you know, certain circumstances, of course.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Of course they can. And of course they know. So don't be fooled. Don't be fooled.

[B]

Well, isn't it. Isn't narcissism something that is very kind of necessary in today's day and age where social media is kind of like, me, me, me, me, me. You need to be almost, almost delusional, like Rudy says in his episode, where it's like this delusion ascends you and you're. It's essentially kind of like this is what you're trying to become. It's perception. Like, perception rules all. There is some level of narcissism. Even among CEOs, there has to be a level of narcissism where they've sort of used it in their favor. Would you agree or disagree?

[A]

So there's healthy narcissism.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

And we have to have healthy narcissism or we wouldn't take care of ourselves. Right. We'd just be like not putting on our own oxygen masks and wiping our own butts. Exactly. Or there's malignant narcissism.

[B]

So it's, it's, it's. Where does this wisdom come from? Are you reading a lot of books? Did you go to school for this? Like, when folks come to you for guidance what, what, what, what are they getting?

[A]

This is not all, but a majority of my knowledge on narcissism comes from Professor Sam Vakdin. He is a professor of psychology. He's a diagnosed narcissist.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

More than once. And you can listen to his lectures on YouTube. Anybody can. He has hours and hours, like thousands and thousands of. There are lectures, they're not fun. Most people don't listen to them.

[B]

Yeah, my favorite.

[A]

Not enjoyable.

[B]

Well, I can imagine. So there's nothing worse than having a narcissist being told they're a narcissist. And, and I'm trying to grow and, and, and learn from that. Is, is there a recovery plan for narcissists? Is there a path of enlightenment? Or is it just Debbie Downer from here on out?

[A]

For someone who is actual diagnosed or

[B]

even self diagnosed, it's just really, I

[A]

don't want to say as Debbie Downer. They can manage their behaviors, but you have to understand that this develops in childhood. They're never allowed by their mom. And I'm gonna get crucified by this because I always do. Like, don't blame the mom. Don't blame the mom.

[B]

Blame the grandmother.

[A]

I'm just kidding. I'm not blaming anybody. This is just scientific facts that from zero to age three, it's the mom that nurtures the child. It's the moment that actually turns the child into a narcissist. And we're not blaming moms. We're just explaining that this is how it happens. Moms, all moms, do the best that they can do with what they have. We don't know what we don't know. Nobody wakes up one morning as a mom and says, I want to be turn my children into narcissists. So we're not blaming, we're explaining. And they can't go back to childhood and individuate from the parent. So no.

[B]

Do you find a lot of narcissism in men that are. Or women that grew up only children or had a traumatic event? Like, I'm adopted. I'm an only child raised by my grandmother, and I was left with my mother at 4. I don't remember anything else. But now I'm 42, no children, unmarried, but doing really well. Is that red flags or good science? Like, as someone made a joke earlier, it's like, well, I'm 42, I'm doing all these things. Like, you sound like a very happy, depressed person. Because it's best of both worlds. Like, at 42, as a man I'm supposed to have children, be married and do the. The American dream. Correct. But I'm not. What does that make me?

[A]

And I'm gonna say, why are you putting yourself in a box?

[B]

I don't know. I really don't know.

[A]

And just because what everybody else is doing, what's right for you isn't what's right. That doesn't turn you into a narcissist. Narcissist, right.

[B]

But everyone keeps telling me you're this, you're that. I'm like, well, okay, sure, you tell me what I'm supposed to be in your reality. What am I in my own reality? I guess that's what I'm asking you.

[A]

So that in itself, when people are like, you're this, you're that, that's a form of narcissism. Because if we take the, if we take the focus off of us and point the finger at other people, then we don't have to look at our own issues. I mean, mommy daddy issues, we all, all got them. But some turn into narcissists and some don't gravitate, like me towards narcissists. You know, my mom didn't. My mom would have been diagnosed with bpd. Borderline personality disorder.

[B]

Same with my mom.

[A]

I narcissistic tendencies. She might have even had the dual diagnosis. You know, my dad, high narcissistic traits. Would he have been diagnosed? Not sure. Because he mask it so well. He lived with my mom.

[B]

Aha.

[A]

He could have picked up traits you do. Mental illness is contagious.

[B]

Yeah, I completely agree. I. I had to make the. The Kylo Ren decision of stabbing Han Solo in the heart and killing off my father with both my mother and father. Because I just knew that wasn't great for my mental health. A lot of my narcissistic qualities and a lot of my wacky tobacco that happens in my brain is because of my mother. And the moment I realized that and disconnected her, I found the peace I don't have to shake when I hear her name. It's just. You're out of sight, out of mind.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's necessary, evil if you will, to be able to survive as a 42 year old man that thinks he's got his stuff straight, but speaks to folks like you and go. I'm gonna take this opportunity to go. I don't think I've got my shit together. Even though I may seem like I do, but I don't think I do wait.

[A]

We all like to seem like we have our Shit together.

[B]

Perceptively. I think I'm doing it pretty well.

[A]

Here's the thing. The only person you have to answer to is yourself. Right. So if you're happy and you're happy in what you're doing and you're not out there hurting people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, at this point, like, when you say, oh, I should be this and I should be that, this is

[B]

what culture says I should be.

[A]

Right. And I say, fuck culture.

[B]

Fuck culture.

[A]

Because I think the worst thing that we do is keep putting everybody in a box.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

That doesn't let us grow as people. It doesn't let us have dreams. And I know for myself, it's happened to me because my mom wanted to keep putting me in a box, and then my first narcissist wanted to put me in a box, and the next one wanted to put me in a box.

[B]

Quite literally. I've been trapped in my own serious.

[A]

I'm like, I'm burning all the boxes, and nobody's ever putting me in a box again. I don't like boxes. Forget it. So just because somebody calls somebody a narcissist doesn't make them that. And we should all have healthy narcissism. Yes, we have to. And I don't think that there's one route for everybody in life. You know, I. I don't want to say accidentally, but it was accidentally got pregnant. I would have never had children. Now, do I love my son? Yes. He's been my savior in many, many ways and many dimes and helped. He was the reason that I walked away from my family when I did, because I didn't want him around the unhealthiness. But I still mothered him wrong. I still taught him to be just like me and a people pleaser and a fawner. And because he saw me with pathological narcissist, he saw me with his stepfather, who would have been a psychopath. And he saw me keeping the peace, doing the things that I should do. I didn't teach. You know, I'll be the first one to say, yeah, I screwed up a million times, but at the time, I did the best that I could do with what I knew. And if you don't know what you don't know. And now that I know, I was

[B]

just gonna say, now that you know,

[A]

no, I'm definitely making sure I do better, you know, I mean, he's 32, so I can't go back and mother him as a child. He's an adult. But we have a great relationship. And I think that that's all we can really hope for in life, is that we grow as people, you know, and that's my goal with the people that I work with is to, to help, to help women, help men, to, but help women find their power again. Real. They have it. We all have it. It's in us. But we have narcissists make us forget that we have it. They want us to think we have nothing without them. And so that's, you know, that's really, that's my goal. That's what gets me up every day.

[B]

What's a transformative story that you can share with us? Maybe a client that had that eureka moment that they were a narcissist or with a narcissist.

[A]

So I would have to say my biggest moment was when the last guy that I was with, he, I kept pushing him to go to therapy and he didn't want to and he kept saying he's not a narcissist and he got diagnosed.

[B]

Wow. For folks that are watching and, or listening. What's, and I, I, I hate to sound so, like content creator. What's the top 10 list like, really? What, what is a clear tall tale sign that someone's a narcissist or your folks are dating online? Did you hear about these dating apps or a new thing? I'm just kidding. But folks are just jumping the gun and meeting someone based off of photos or a 15 second clip and they're walking into literally the lion's den among wolves or vice versa. How do you spot a narcissist? Is there a clever trick saying, oh, well, he's wearing red on a Friday narcissist. Like, what is the tall tale signs?

[A]

Personally, I would tell people to stop online dating, go meet people in person.

[B]

Well, sure, that's a different podcast.

[A]

That's the number one thing I would say the, you know, buy a lady

[B]

a drink the old fashioned way. Trust me, it's a lot more fun.

[A]

Well, because in all actuality, you need to get to know these people. It's so easy to hide behind a phone or a computer. And then we fall in love with the facade that you're putting on. Now if you can get in front of somebody and you can see facial expressions and you can trip them up in lies, you know, I would dare to ask somebody instead of questions that I would ask a guy if I was gonna date, I wouldn't say, what do you do for work? I would say, how do you spend your days?

[B]

Yeah, how do you podcast? Are you dating now?

[A]

Me?

[B]

Yeah, you. Eh, maybe Mahomeno.

[A]

I kind of keep that quiet.

[B]

I was just gonna say I'm kind of like, what's dating like for you? Are you like interrogating? Are you asking all these key questions? I go, aha, I caught you. I knew you were this Mr. Handsome, tall, dark and handsome.

[A]

So I'm very big into manifesting and I tell the universe that I'm not going to go out there and look for men because I really like staying home.

[B]

Right on.

[A]

And I'm like, you're going to have to drop a man at my house. And I'm just gonna say it may just have happened. So we'll see.

[B]

Was he an Amazon delivery man? Like that's the only way I can phantom someone, random man just showing up at your house. Was he a delivery man? It was the milkman, wasn't it?

[A]

I remember, I live, I literally live out in the middle of nowhere. I was gonna say neighbors about mile and a half away. I live on a different dirt road.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

I'm surrounded by cornfields. So no, I may have some work done at my house.

[B]

Okay. My next guess was literally a flying saucer, but we'll go with that.

[A]

But I'm not really fully sure I'm ready to date. I really, honestly, I really like being alone.

[B]

Yeah, same.

[A]

And I think I might be like a crappy girlfriend at this point. You know when I say crappy meaning like a little bit self centered. Like I just want to do what I want to do and I want to be with my horses and like if you don't horseback ride, I don't know if I'll have time for you in the weekend.

[B]

Can't talk horse. Sorry.

[A]

So yeah, so I don't, I don't know if I'm there yet.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

But do you know I may just have met the one that gives me enough space and you know, I don't know. We'll see.

[B]

I was just going to say like you, you are definitely a woman in your power. What, what is next for you? How can people discover your. Your journey? How can people learn more about you?

[A]

My website is my best place and that's hopefully wild.com and I hope to be doing in person retreats where everybody will get to meet my horses that I love so much. Soon. I don't know, it's gonna, it's not gonna happen this winter because the I gotta rebuild the barn. But maybe next year, maybe early, earlier late spring next my facilities set up and I'd love to do in person retreats and incorporate equine therapy because. Oh, yeah. One of the biggest things I would say to men or women in narcissistic, abusive relationships or if they want to learn to trust, go be around horses.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Horses are prey animals and they don't just trust you. And if you can earn their trust, you will learn what you should be doing with men or women in your relationship to have them earn your trust. Absolutely. It shouldn't just be given.

[B]

Can you give a shout out to your horses? I'm imagining you in your living room with your four horses and you're the new man in your life. Give a shout out to your horses, please.

[A]

Yes. I gotta give a shout out to Kane and Rhiannon and Jesse and Sarah. Spirit.

[B]

Shout out to Jesse and Spirit. Gosh, that was such a lovely time. I hope you had a fantastic journey here on the podcast and with.

[A]

Thank you for everything.

[B]

Oh, no, thank you for your time and energy. Yeah. That concludes another episode of the live living your legacy podcast, the woman in power edition. For inside Success, I am Ray Gutierrez.