What to do when your partner shuts down.

Are you trying to have a relationship with a partner who avoids, defends or worse... won't talk at all? Few things are as frustrating, or as hurtful. It's hard NOT to get upset and angry when you're feeling rejected, unloved, or uncared for. The problem is that many people who clam up as a defensive strategy when things get tense don't understand how destructive their behaviors can be to your relationship.

But there is help, and there is hope. Because these types of communication problems are so common, I thought it might be helpful to you if I put together a "Communication Problems" podcast-mini series.

"Communication Issues" are the single most common presenting issue that brings couples to marriage counseling. The first thing to know about communication problems: Absolutely ALL couples struggle to communicate with each other from time to time. Just because it's happening in your relationship does not spell doom. Truthfully, by making a few positive changes in the way you interact with each other, you can avoid many communication problems -- and start enjoying each other again.

In episode 1, "Communication Problems and How To Fix Them" we discussed the most important and empowering things you can remain mindful of if you want to improve the communication in your relationship: Systems theory, and your own empowerment to affect positive change.

In episode 2, "Dealing With an Angry Partner" we addressed the oh-so-common "pursue / withdraw" dynamic that so many couples can fall in to. This idea is at the core of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy -- one of the most well researched and scientifically supported approaches to couples counseling. (And what we practice here at Growing Self!)

Specifically in episode 2, we looked at this communication pattern from the perspective of the "withdrawer" (i.e. the person in the relationship who might be perceiving their "pursuing partner" as angry or even hostile. In that episode I gave you some tips to help get back into the ring with your partner, some insight into why they may be so angry, and things that you can do to help soothe their anger and bring the peace back into your home.

In the third and final episode of our "Communication Problems" series, "Dealing With a Withdrawn Partner" we'll be looking at this from the perspective of the partner who pursues -- the one who is attempting to engage with a partner who seems emotionally distant, avoidant, and unresponsive.

If you've been feeling frustrated or angry because your partner refuses to talk to you, this one is for you. In this episode, I'm talking about what may be leading your partner to seem emotionally withdrawn, as well as things that you can do to help your partner come closer to you emotionally, and start opening up again.

We're discussing:

The issues that may have nothing to do with you that are leading your partner to withdraw
The biggest mistakes you can make when dealing with an avoidant-prone partner
Strategies for dealing with your anger and / or anxiety if your partner is making you crazy
Communication strategies to help make it easier for your partner to open up to you
The paradoxical trick to making your partner feel more interested in coming towards you

I sincerely hope that this series helps you understand what may be happening at the root of your communication problems, as well as some real-world tips for things that can help you improve your relationship.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

#244 - Dealing With a Withdrawn Partner: Communication Problems, Part 3