“We talk all the time, but I still feel alone in my marriage.” If that sentence has ever crossed your mind on a Tuesday night, mid-load of dishes, with your partner three feet away, you are not imagining it. And you are not the only one.

In this episode, I sit down with Debra Fileta, the licensed therapist who has spent more than twenty years in clinical practice helping couples figure out exactly this. Debra is the author of nine books and the host of the nationally syndicated podcast Talk To Me, and her newest book, People Skills, is built around an idea that I think is going to be a relief for a lot of you. Most relationship pain is not a love problem. It is a skill problem. And skills can be built.

In This Episode

The three levels of communication, and why almost every couple stalls at level two without realizing it
Why “we talk all the time” is not the same thing as feeling close, even after twenty years of marriage
The thirty-minute weekly ritual Debra and her husband John have used for fifteen years to keep their marriage from drifting
Why being “nice” is not the same as having strong people skills, and the people-pleasing trap that masquerades as kindness
How to tell the difference between a one-time conflict and a relationship pattern that is pointing at something deeper
The volume-dial reframe for couples where one partner feels everything at a 7 and the other at a 3
The empathy practice that takes thirty seconds and changes the way you see almost everyone in your life
Why “I keep attracting the wrong people” is the wrong question, and the better one Debra asks instead

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who has caught themselves thinking, something has shifted between us and I cannot put my finger on what. For the partner who feels like they are always the one initiating real conversation. For the couple who used to talk for hours and now mostly talks about logistics. For anyone who has wondered if needing more depth in their marriage is asking too much. It is not. And the way back is more learnable than you might think.

Episode Breakdown

02:30 It is Not a Lack of Love, It is a Lack of Skill

06:30 Patterns vs. Pain Points (How to Tell If You Are the Common Denominator)

10:30 Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People (And How to Change Your “Magnet”)

14:00 The Three Levels of Communication: Why Most Couples Never Get Past Level Two

17:30 Duck Floaty or Scuba Diver? The Sunday Night Check-In That Saved a Marriage

23:00 When One of You Feels Everything at a 7 and the Other at a 3

29:30 The Yalom Story: How to Actually Look Out Your Partner’s Window

33:00 Trauma Does Not Excuse Us, But It Does Explain Us

Resources

Free Communication Training (two-part video plus workbook)

Work with a couples counselor or relationship coach on my team

If something in this conversation lands somewhere specific for you, that is the signal to do something with it. Start with the free communication training at growingself.com/communication. It is two short videos and a workbook, and you can do it this weekend.

And if you want to go a little deeper, we do free first conversations at growingself.com. No pressure, no commitment, just a real conversation about what is actually going on in your relationship and whether what we do here might be a fit.

I will see you back on the podcast soon.

xo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

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