Love Your Life Show with Susie Pettit

Episode: 7 Losing Strategies in Marriage and Parenting Teens

Date: February 19, 2025
Host: Susie Pettit

Episode Overview

In this episode, Susie Pettit explores the “7 Losing Strategies” most people unconsciously use in marriage and parenting teens—practices that create more drama, resentment, and disconnection instead of joy, understanding, and healthy connection. Drawing on insights from relationship experts Terry Real, Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, and a nod to Gottman’s Four Horsemen, Susie breaks down each strategy, explains why we fall into these patterns, and offers concrete, compassionate advice for moving beyond them. The episode is filled with relatable stories, a warm, nonjudgmental tone, and actionable self-reflection prompts, especially aimed at busy moms looking to improve their relationships at home.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

Introduction: Why Relationship “Losing Strategies” Matter

• [00:34] Susie frames the episode as a practical, empowering look at how certain recurring patterns in marriage and parenting not only increase relational drama but also reduce long-term happiness and connection.
• The intent: To help listeners “find ways that will bring more ease into your life” by spotting and shifting these strategies.

The 7 Losing Strategies in Marriage & Parenting

1. The Need to Be Right

• [02:54] “Would you rather be right or in relationship?” —Susie Pettit
• Focusing on being right leads to competition, not connection, in healthy relationships.
• Acknowledges that this strategy can be a defense from earlier, unsafe relationships: “In my past relationships with my parents and with my first husband, if I was wrong or if I ‘did the wrong thing,’ it wasn’t safe for me…”
• Prompt: Notice moments where you feel “tight chested and justified in your rightness.”
• Memorable moment: Compassion for listeners in unsafe relationships: “If you’re in that sort of primary relationship…you need to reach out to me or another mental health coach so you can get the help to get out of that dynamic.” [04:13]

2. Controlling Your Partner (or Kids)

• [05:25] “Controlling our partner can look like us saying things outwardly or…more passive aggressive in an effort to control them, to get them to do it our way. Which if you go back to number one, is, of course, the right way.”
• Example: Micromanaging how a partner packs for the park or how kids load a dishwasher.
• “Control does not inspire love. It breeds resentment.” [07:39]
• Encourages letting others learn by doing the whole task themselves, especially with children—to build their confidence and problem-solving skills.

3. Unbridled Self Expression

• [07:54] Described as letting emotions “vent” in an uncontrolled way, as opposed to mindful, emotionally mature communication.
• “Venting our emotions is not the same as emotionally mature conversation.” [08:43]
• Pattern often starts with “bottling up” feelings, leading to explosive or hurtful outbursts.
• Practical coaching takeaway: Small tweaks in self-expression can make “a really good area” for personal growth.

4. Retaliation

• [08:51] Retaliation shows up as snarky comments, silent treatment, or withholding affection.
• “I urge you to shift the question instead to how do I retaliate? As that opens you up for the learning and the growth…” [08:51]
• Real-life parenting example: Responding snarkily to a child’s earlier rudeness rather than addressing it calmly in the moment (see detailed story at [09:32]).
• Suggests mature boundary-setting instead: “The really mature and adult skill here would have been in the car to say to him, hey… I don’t allow people to talk to me in that way…”

5. Withdrawal

• [11:19] “Withdrawal is very different than a winning relationship strategy of taking a break.”
• Emotional or physical withdrawal includes silent retreat, immersing in distractions, or avoiding meaningful communication
• Warns against the pendulum swing from codependency to hyper-independence: “Both are unhealthy and harmful to you and to your relationships.” [13:00]
• Memorable quote: “If we close and pull ourselves off, the other person is often left with the feeling that they’re living with, like, an ice queen.” [13:00]

6. Keeping Score

• [14:12] Describes keeping a tally of household contributions, chores, or emotional investments as “me vs. him” or “me vs. my kid.”
• “Relationships are not about fairness. They’re about partnership.” [14:42]
• Keeping score resembles “emotionally immature sibling relationships,” leading to ongoing resentment.

7. Refusing to Take Responsibility (aka 'Playing the Victim')

• [15:35] “Where am I playing the victim?”
• Looks like blaming emotions or outbursts on others’ actions: “Well, I said this because you did that.”
• Reframes responsibility: “Responsibility—ability to respond. Things can be going down around us warriors, and they will be. But the one thing we always have control over is the ability to respond.” [15:59]
• Neglecting responsibility leads to both short-term indignation and long-term disconnection, as “we need a villain—and we end up vilifying the people we care about.” [17:03]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction & Purpose | [00:34–03:25]
• Strategy 1: Need to be Right | [03:25–04:50]
• Strategy 2: Controlling | [04:57–07:39]
• Strategy 3: Unbridled Self Expression | [07:54–08:51]
• Strategy 4: Retaliation | [08:51–11:19]
• Strategy 5: Withdrawal | [11:19–14:12]
• Strategy 6: Keeping Score | [14:12–15:35]
• Strategy 7: Refusing Responsibility | [15:35–17:58]
• Why Changing These Matters for Parents and Kids | [17:58–18:46]
• Invitation to Coaching/Community | [18:46–20:28]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Would you rather be right or in relationship?”
    – Susie Pettit, [02:54]
• “Control does not inspire love. It breeds resentment.”
    – Susie Pettit, [07:39]
• “Venting our emotions is not the same as emotionally mature conversation.”
    – Susie Pettit, [08:43]
• “How do I retaliate? As that opens you up for the learning and the growth…”
    – Susie Pettit, [08:51]
• “Relationships are not about fairness. They’re about partnership.”
    – Susie Pettit, [14:42]
• “Responsibility—ability to respond…the one thing we always have control over is the ability to respond.”
    – Susie Pettit, [15:59]
• “If we close and pull ourselves off, the other person is often left with the feeling that they’re living with, like, an ice queen."
    – Susie Pettit, [13:00]

Takeaways for Listeners

• Self-Awareness Precedes Change: Recognizing where these strategies show up in your daily life (marriage, parenting, friendships) is the first step.
• No Shame, Only Learning: These patterns are universal and protective, often rooted in past experiences—self-compassion is crucial for growth.
• Breaking Cycles for Future Generations: Shifting away from these strategies not only improves your relationships but also models emotional maturity for your children.
• Support Is Available: Susie highlights her Love Your Life School and coaching options for those wanting deeper support, especially during the March relationship curriculum.

Susie wraps up with encouragement:

"The more of us out here noticing where we're using these losing strategies, the more of us who are breaking generational patterns of emotional immaturity and taking steps toward greater connection and feeling better. That's what the Love Your Life Show is all about." [19:45]