Podcast Summary: Emotional Safety Explained – People Pleasing, Codependency, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Triggers

Podcast: Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
Host: Susie Pettit
Guest: Tara Kerwin (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Co-founder of Relationship Renovation)
Date: March 12, 2025
Episode: Emotional Safety Explained: People Pleasing, Codependency, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Triggers [HEALING SERIES]

Main Theme Overview

This episode features an in-depth and relatable conversation between Susie Pettit and therapist Tara Kerwin, centered around the concept of emotional safety in relationships. Through personal stories and professional insights, Tara and Susie unravel how emotional safety, unresolved childhood trauma, people pleasing, and codependency weave into adult dynamics and partnerships. The episode offers practical tools for gaining self-awareness, building healthier patterns, and creating authentic connection—even for listeners who aren’t in a relationship.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Tara’s Personal Journey & Trauma-Informed Practice

• Tara's Background: Tara describes a traumatic childhood and her pull towards healing roles. “I always knew when I was young that I was resilient. I was like, this isn’t normal. This isn’t okay. ...I knew early on that I was a healer.” (02:10)
  • She shares her evolution from being a serial monogamist to marrying EJ, also a therapist, becoming a stepmother, and suddenly mother to twins.
• Turning Point for Professional Model:
  • The chaos of blending families and the reality of parenting twins with colic forced Tara and EJ to confront their own trauma—sparking the creation of their “Relationship Renovation” model. “If two people who are really lovely humans who ... have been practicing therapists for years are having this hard of a time...we have to figure our shit out, and B, we're gonna have to help our community.” (05:51)

2. Defining Emotional Safety

• What is Emotional Safety?

  • Tara’s definition: “It’s like the ability to be who you need to be at any given time without a threat involved. ...that I can be not my best self. And that EJ can have the tolerance for it, still have boundaries, but there’s not like, ‘God, if you are like this one more time, I’m done.’” (07:54)
  • It’s not about never triggering each other—rather, growth comes from recognizing triggers and repairing after conflict.

• Susie’s Take: Relationships as containers for growth

  • “We aren’t born with these skills, that these are skills to be learned and cultivated and continue to be learned and cultivated.” (10:20)
  • Susie compares relational growth to learning any new skill, like surfing—falling is normal, and the key is learning tools.

3. Childhood Trauma, People Pleasing, and Triggers

• Tara’s Patterns:

  • Grew up as the “pleaser” and peacekeeper out of survival.
  • On parenting and overwhelm: “I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t say, ‘I need this.’ I tried to do it all myself to make sure everybody else was okay...because I didn’t even know how to intuit my own needs.” (14:39)

• Survival Strategies in Adulthood:

  • Unmet needs from childhood get projected onto partners. When those needs aren’t met, partners can feel like threats: “He’ll never be my father. He’ll never be that safe person in that way. But we've got a fair chance if I'm like, 'Hey, EJ, this is really important to me.'” (15:35)

• Recognizing Triggers and Flooding:

  • Signs include escalated heart rate, physical tension, or snapping over small incidents (e.g., “I thought you were going to get chicken,” triggering a huge reaction after a stressful day) (22:40).

4. Practical Tools & Concepts

• Code Word for Overwhelm (Burnt Toast)

  • Tara and EJ created a code word (“burnt toast”) to signal when she was out of her window of tolerance, enabling a respectful pause in conflict:
  • “...when I say burnt toast, that means I’m not good. I’m not speaking from my heart. ...I’m going to take my own time out. ...And EJ would know...I’m going to help support her.” (16:55)
  • Susie underscores: In unsafe relationships, using a code word may not be effective if a partner weaponizes it (19:41); the tool can and should be used individually as well.

• Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation

  • Recognizing your own signs of dysregulation, pausing, and tending to your needs—even if your partner isn’t supportive.

• People-Pleasing & Asking for Help

  • Tara’s “breaking point”:
    • “I literally. This was the first time ever I lost it out in public. I was like, does anybody see that I need help?” (28:50)
    • This meltdown led to the realization that she’d never asked for help, and others truly didn’t notice her needs.

• Cognitive Restructuring Technique (35:34)

  • Journaling triggered thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
  • Identifying underlying negative core beliefs (e.g., “I’m insignificant”).
  • Connecting present-day overreactions to childhood memories.
  • Offering new, nurturing beliefs: “I am significant. I do matter.”
  • “A trigger is when the response...outweighs the stimulus.” (35:34)
  • Using this tool individually, and later with partners, deepens intimacy and understanding.

• Tara Brach’s RAIN technique (39:36)

  • “Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture”—a self-compassion meditation for processing big feelings.

5. Important Reminders and Reframes

• Relationship Healing Takes Time

  • “It’s constant work.” (33:15) You can’t expect a quick fix; true change is gradual and ongoing.
  • Tara: “If we could say that you're going to have the relationship of your dreams in four months, we would be on Oprah.” (33:11)

• Self-Knowing is Foundational

  • Even if you’re single, understanding your own triggers, core beliefs, and family-of-origin patterns is vital: “Whether they’re in a relationship or not ...this self knowing and this understanding of self...finding emotional safety within ourselves, that is...important work.” (34:57)

• Growth and Repair are Normal

  • Perfection is not expected: “If you can get it seven out of 10 times, you’re doing okay.” (40:43)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Relationship Growth:

  • Tara: “Our partners are our greatest teacher, be patient for the lessons.” (08:44)

• On People Pleasing:

  • “I would do everything to make sure everybody around me was okay. I was the pleaser, the peacekeeper. I didn't want anyone to, like, ruffle anything.” (14:39)

• On Triggers in Daily Life:

  • Susie: “You're trying to keep everything good for everyone else. ...It's like building and building. ...And then EJ says one thing, like, I thought you were gonna get chicken. And you go from like 0 to 100.” (22:40)

• On Anger for Pleasers:

  • Tara: “Anger is okay and rage is okay. ...as long as you understand it and start to let your...give permission for you to feel it in healthier ways. Not...doing it to, like, your husband.” (24:47)

• On Asking for Help:

  • “Have I ever asked for anything? ...We just thought you were like Wonder Woman, superhero.” (30:36)

• On the Reality of Healing:

  • Tara: “The most you're hoping for is semi-regulated as much of the time as you can.” (40:19)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:10] - Tara’s background, childhood trauma, path to therapy
• [05:51] - Blending families, chaos, creation of Relationship Renovation model
• [07:54] - Emotional safety defined
• [10:20] - Relationships as skill-building opportunities
• [14:39] - People pleasing as survival strategy
• [16:55] - “Burnt toast” code word for self-regulation in conflict
• [19:41] - When code word/safety strategies don’t work in unsafe relationships
• [22:40] - Recognizing being “flooded” and the need for self-pause
• [24:47] - Permission for anger as growth for people pleasers
• [28:50] - Tara’s breaking point: public meltdown over not receiving help
• [30:36] - Realization around people-pleasing and its social reinforcement
• [33:11] - No quick fixes—healing is ongoing work
• [34:57] - Self-knowing and emotional safety as ongoing work, relationship status aside
• [35:34] - Cognitive restructuring technique explained
• [39:36] - Tara Brach’s RAIN technique and self-regulation
• [40:43] - Permission to be imperfect: “7 out of 10 times is okay”

Resources Mentioned

• Relationship Renovation Podcast & Counseling Center [relationshiprenovation.com] ([41:00])
• Tara Brach’s RAIN Meditation ([39:36])

Final Notes & Tone

Throughout the episode, both Susie and Tara maintain a supportive, jargon-free, and often humorous tone, normalizing struggle and imperfection while validating the challenges of personal and relational growth. Their candidness, self-deprecating stories, and actionable strategies make this episode resonate deeply—especially for moms and anyone healing from codependency, people pleasing, or trauma.

For listeners seeking more support or interested in Relationship Renovation programs and resources, visit relationshiprenovation.com.