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Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
Emotional Validation: How to Support Without Fixing in Parenting and Relationships
00:19:28
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- [00:02]
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Hi, this is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go, warriors.
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Hello, warriors, and welcome to another episode of the Love youe Life Show. I am especially psyched that you're listening into this one because we are digging into a skill that changes everything. Everything. And I'm hoping that this will be one of those episodes of the Love youe Life show that you listen to again and again as you build. And there is no perfecting of the skill, but if you just continue to build the skill we weren't taught in school. And let me just back up a bit. If you're new to this show. Hello, I'm Susie Pettit. I am a certified life relationship and parenting coach. And I used to be a classroom teacher. I actually have my master's in education. And today I'm putting on my teacher hat because my intent with this, this show as a whole and then this at my. The show as a whole is to teach you things that are going to help you live lives that you love. Things that we were not taught in grade school. And the one with this episode is to teach a super important skill we weren't taught in school. And how. And the skill is validation. I will just get right to the point. We're going to learn what validation is, how to do it, how not to do it, and why. Learning how to do this well, how to validate well is super helpful. How it's something you want to do, basically. And the better you get at it, the better your life and your relationships get as a parent, a partner, a friend. Let's go. Class begins now. And if you are a new listener to the show, this class is a continuation from last week. So you'll want to follow the show so you don't miss any more episodes and then go back and listen to that one, you can continue to listen to this one because you'll get a lot out of it. And yet that one will build on it. Because last week we learned about really one of the most important things we can do as humans. Even more so than this week's skill of validation. And it's learning to self regulate, learning how to stay calm when the people around us are not calm, learning how to keep our peace when maybe our husband is grumpy or our teen is stressed or our parent is lonely. We talked about specific things last week on how we can keep our nervous system in the calm area, or at least calmer so that we can manage ourselves instead of trying to manage all the other people. Because here's a little spoiler alert. We cannot manage the other humans. They have their own brain in their head and they're in charge of themselves. And so it really works a lot better in this world if we get out of our hyper controlling mode and we let the other humans be human and we learn how to self regulate so that we can support those other humans. Which is where we come to today. Because once we're calm, dear listeners, the next step in having connected, supported relationships is, is to learn how to show up supportively in other people's lives. Not all the people, but the people you care about and want deeper relationships with. The skill that we need to get better at to get more connected with these people is emotional validation. So many of us, myself included, feel unconnected or disconnected in life. And so much of that is because we don't have the emotional intimacy with people. Okay, the word intimacy into me, you see. Do we allow people into us to see our emotional experience? And this episode is all about when other people are trying to let us in to share their emotional experience. Are we skilled enough so that we can let them do that? Are we regulated enough that we're not trying to change their emotions so we feel better, but we're learning the skill of validation and regulation so that we can calm ourselves and then get to know this person a little better into that emotional intimacy. So validation is a process where we acknowledge and accept someone's emotional experience. And it includes three parts. Mindfulness, empathy, and understanding. It is not about agreeing with them, it is not about teaching them a lesson, and it's definitely not about learning what they feel like and then taking it on as our responsibility to do something about. No. This skill of emotional validation is popcorn living at its highest. Remember Popcorn living or popcorn Parenting. I'll put that episode down below so you can listen to that and remember it includes two parts. The first part is understanding that you, my dear wonderful listener, but it's understanding that you are not in charge of anyone else's life or life choices. Other people are going to feel discomfort. They're going to make decisions that you think are good and bad, and that is part of their plan. Step off your urge to control the universe and think that you have all the answers. I know it's hard to hear and let other people live their lives. And yes, this includes our kids if they're over the age of 10. So that's the first part remembering that we're not in charge of other people's lives. The second part of Popcorn Living is leaning into faith over fear, cultivating a belief that this movie ends well. Sit back and eat your popcorn. Whatever this person in front of you is experiencing is what they're supposed to be experiencing at this time in their life. Nothing has gone wrong. And so if you're not in charge and you know it all ends the way it's supposed to end, we where does that leave you with validation? It leaves you in looking and thinking about how can you best support this human in front of you as they're going through this experience in their life or the movie of their life? What if your job isn't to change how they're thinking or take over how they're living, but rather to love and support them on their human journey? It sort of changes things, no? Takes the fear and the pressure off. Leaves you in a more curious mindset of, huh, let me see what this person is feeling or experiencing. For me, I feel more like a detective than a judge. I'm not like, oh, they're doing it wrong. I'm more like curious, seeking to understand. Validation is all about deep and active listening. Not fixing, not agreeing. Basically not having an opinion. Your intent is to let them have the experience they're having with warmth and support from you. We're not a judge thinking they're doing it wrong. Rather, we're just another human here doing this hard humaning thing with them by their side, walking the path, and we can be a compassionate, safe place for them. And yet we all know as we're listening, we're like, yeah, yeah, sounds good. But when our nervous systems aren't regulated, we tend to do the opposite and instead move into emotional invalidation or toxic positivity instead of letting them have the experiences they're having. Invalidation looks at someone's emotional experience and minimizes it, rejects it, ignores it, judges it, maybe saying things like, well, it's not that big a deal or don't be upset about that, or giving them different thoughts to think and remember from last week. We are doing this because we're uncomfortable with them being uncomfortable. We want them to hurry up and feel differently so we can feel better. Which isn't super fair to them. But also it doesn't work. I will not go into the research, I will not go into my years of studying this. But think for yourself. When you're having an emotional experience, when someone gets into this rejecting or ignoring or judging you or minimizing you, you do not feel closer with these people. You do not feel understood. Which is why when we practice being in our emotional adult chair and regulating ourselves, we can let the other people around us have the experiences they're having while feeling loved and supported by us. And we have deeper connection in our relationships. Sounds nice, eh? It really is, you guys. And yet, I'll be honest, when I first practiced this, and I'm still practicing it, it feels uncomfortable. I wasn't great at regulating myself yet, and I didn't have validating words right at the tip of my tongue. And so that's why I want to remind us all we are in school, we are learning. Let it be clunky. Let yourself be a beginner at this emotional regulation and this validation stuff. When we were young and our math teacher first taught us long division, it felt super clunky and odd, didn't it? Yet what did we do? We expected these new things felt odd. We'd lean into it and we'd persevere, alright. Yet as adults, we often lose sight of that. I had the great opportunity recently to not have to lose sight of this. When I moved to Australia three years ago, I learned to drive on the other side of the road and I was reminded of how awkward and uncomfortable it felt like it felt awkward and uncomfortable learning it when I was 18. But then I got so used to it that I didn't even have to think. Back in the United States, I didn't have to think about driving the store, okay, but then in a new country on another side of the world, you know, steering wheel on the other side, all that, it felt so awkward and uncomfortable. And it brought me back to that beginning mindset. Just like validating my kids and my partner felt awkward at first, but in the same way I didn't stop driving. I'm not going to stop getting better at validating. And I'd like to encourage you to adopt the beginner's mindset with me and let's talk about what we're actually going to say and what validation is and isn't. Validation is not about agreeing or disagreeing. For me, I like to think it's not my job to have an opinion on whether what they're feeling or thinking is right or wrong. It's not my job if I want to have an opinion, if I want them to feel differently. Validation is all about allowing what they're feeling is what they're feeling like. It's like, it's like reality. It's like, oh, yeah, no, this is what they're feeling. That, like, they shouldn't be feeling this. Like, this is the reality. What they're feeling is what's true for them right now. It is their experience. And people's experiences matter. Period. End of story. Whether we agree or not isn't the point. The process of validation is seeking to understand. I say all the time, emotions are for soothing, not solving. Which is why I did last week's episode first, because validation requires emotional regulation. Validation is all about bearing witness. Remember the three parts. Understanding, mindfulness, empathy. It does not mean fixing. It does not mean caring. It means being present. And this is especially true for those of us who are parents, partners, helpers, fixers, worriers. Worriers with an O. Many of us learned that love meant doing something, fixing something, making it better. In our codependent society, we're often rewarded when mom says she's lonely for us to rush in and fix it. And that does not lead us to good places, as I've shared in many other episodes. It's like the high, the resentment highway. We're, like, taking the exit on to it. Okay? And so validation asks us to do something different. It asks us to stay when people are having big emotions, to listen, to, tolerate our own internal discomfort. So let's talk about what we can say and what not to say. One of, one of, I think when I'm talking about what not to say and we're getting clunky, there aren't that many things that we don't need to say, but just mostly, we're looking at keeping the emphasis on them. One of the most invalidating things we say. And it sort of shuts conversations down and it comes with good intentions. But we say, I know how you feel. Usually when someone is in an emotional experience, that does not go over well, because the truth is we don't know how they feel until they tell us. So leave space for them to tell us. A more validating response sounds like this. I've never had that experience, so I'm not sure what to say. But I could see how you feel, what you feel like, keep you out of it. It's not about you. Or you could say, while I might be able to imagine how I'd feel in your shoes, I'm not you. So can you tell me more about what you're feeling? Want to understand and support you. Can you see the difference? Validating. We're trying. We're letting someone have the feelings they're having. Here are some more specific things to Say, and as you're practicing this skill, I would just, like, write these down. Get the ones that feel right to you, and then try practicing them. Try saying them in a conversation today. So here are some of them. And say, thank you for sharing this with me. Tell me more. What's that like for you? That sounds really hard. Is there anything I can do to support you? Hold on. Say more. What was that like for you? I think I just said that one. That makes sense. You feel that way. I like this. If, like, someone, you know, your kid or your partner comes in and they're, like, emotional, I'm like, take me back to the beginning. What happened then? What happened? Like, you're really like a detective here. How did that make you feel? Notice what all these things don't do that I just shared. They don't explain, they don't reframe, they don't nag, they don't lecture. The goal is to seek to understand instead of seeking to solve. It is also not seeking to get them into the fix it mode. Okay. It's not like, oh, and now what are you going to do? It's just letting them have the feeling. And here's something I really want you to hear. That often for us, the more words we use when things are going wrong, the better with them. Like, if we're characterizing this as wrong, the less effective I become. So with teens or with my partner, when I'm practicing this, I say to myself, if I don't want a mess, say less. When emotions are high, thinking is low. This is true for kids, teens, partners, and yes, for you. Bite your tongue. With the lectures, with logic, with reframing, with your great teaching moments. They're not paying you to be your coach. They don't want a coach right now. They want someone who can support them, who they feel supported with and loved with. That is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. Okay, validation is not codependency or enmeshment. It's regulated presence, loving, detachment, popcorn, living support without control. You're not trying to lead the witness. You guys not trying to be manipulative. Like, oh, how did that feel? That sort of sounds like last week when the exact same thing happened. That's not support. That's manipulation. That's still you trying to get your way to get them to feel differently. We're going to practice this validation. And when you practice this, your relationships will start to improve. You'll feel more connected. Plus they'll feel safer, lighter. This is the power of validation. It's so magical and I'm so excited for you to practice. Okay. If you have young teens, young kids or teens, there is more guidance and scaffolding and nervous system work that I teach in my one on one parent coaching and in my parenting class, how to raise good humans. I'll drop those links below because those are super great starting places for you. Okay. And to maybe click play on this podcast again or to write get. Go to the show notes and get the words here that I. That I share with you. And to practice, get into the action. Podcasts are the first step, the learning. Just like a classroom. You know more now than you did 15 minutes ago. And now, my dear listener, what will you do? Will you click onto the next podcast, go to the next event that you have on your schedule, or will you slow it down and practice these things? Try one of them today. Challenge yourself to say one of these things. Will you practice the long division on your own? Are you going to wait or are you going to wait until next class and look at your teacher with that blank stare? You know what? I'm voting for sweet one. Get out there and do the practice. We are all beginners here doing the best we can. I believe in you and support you. You are awesome. And you know what? This is a great one to share with a friend. So could you do me a favor and do that? It would warm my heart so much. I put so much thought and time into these podcast episodes and if you share it with one other person and we get one other person to be a more active listener, be better at validating one at a time, it makes this world a more supportive, loving place. And if we're telling ourselves we don't have any sway or influence, that's BS because we do. So let's go. I believe in you. I support you. You're awesome. Big hugs and I'll see you next week.
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Thank you for listening to the Love youe Life show. If you want to hear more from Susie and support the show, be sure to subscribe to this podcast on itunes. Also, leave a review and share this podcast with friends and family. Go get em, warriors.