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Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
Healing After Family Estrangement: Life Update
00:18:36
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Hi. This is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go, warriors.
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Why, hello, dear warriors, and welcome to a different type of episode. If this is your first time listening to the Love youe Life show, first of all, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. I'm Susie Pettit. I'm a certified life and relationship and wellness and ADHD and all, all the stuff. I've got certifications. You're in good hands. More than 400 episodes of the show at this point. And this episode is going to be a little different. So you'll want to grab the podcast roadmap@smbwell.com roadmap whereas this episode is going to be more of a life update. I come on here teaching you the things as a teacher and expertiser, you know, with my expertise of the things that I know and the things that I've learned. And I also know that what helps me to be such a great supporter of you and coach for my clients is the personal side that I've been through. The. I've been through a lot of it. I've been through health challenges. I've been through family estrangement and drama. I've been through divorce. I've been through raising kids. I've been through a lot. Childhood trauma added in. Okay. And it's that part that makes me believable and connect to you in a world of AI when we can have a lot of these impersonal, you know, advice sessions or whatever. I like to bring the personal to you and keep it real. I don't share things with you that I'm still grappling with. I like. I think it's. It was Martha Becker, Brene Brown, who said, share the wound after it's scabbed over. So with the things that I bring you, you can trust that I have done my work at least to as much as we can, you know, to a certain extent. But I, I really wanted to get on here now, live time. It is April 1st. This is not an April Fool's joke, but I am just back from a wedding of my eldest son, got married and. And I. In that involvement and interaction, I was around my biological family for the first time in 10 or 12 years, around a sister who had and a father, both who had really betrayed me in ways that were quite significant and harmful to not only myself emotionally, but also financially and. And all the things which there are other episodes I can link to, to tell you the details of that and, but I, I, again, I want to get on here with a life update to my people who know my story, who know about the betrayal and who were just wondering like, how to go. Susie and I, that's what I'm here for, to tell you how it went. How was the wedding, how was seeing my ex, how was having my three boys together, how was seeing his parents and his brother for the first time since the divorce and my sister and all that. And I, that's why I'm here. So, ding, ding, let's start. How was it? It was better than I ever could have imagined. I did a lot of my work ahead of time as a coach to make sure that I was really supporting myself in my, my, you know, as much as I could and staying grounded in my mental health and my emotional health. And with all of that, boy, was it a ride. Like, like there's, you know, as a coach, I know there's a lot we can do to support ourselves. And I also know that there's no exit ramp to the human condition. Okay. To being a human. And I am a human. So am I going to feel triggered by, you know, seeing a sister who had tried to get my boys custody of my boys away from me? Yeah. Yeah, I am. Am I going to feel emotional when I, you know, see my ex brother in law who I love deeply? Yes, I am. I am. I am human. And with all that being said, it went better than anything I ever could have imagined because this work, the stuff that I teach on these podcasts, it works. That's the beauty of it. So that while I am still human, I'm having the roller coaster of experiences and feeling the feels and all of it. I also am able to stay, to a certain extent, regulated and in what I call clean pain. You know, it makes sense that seeing my sister would be hard for me and seeing that she's still, you know, what I would say? Hates me is hard for me. And that's part of me. I want that to be hard for me. I want to feel upset when people that matter to me are, you know, are committed to hate me like that. That's a. I can feel upset. Do I make it mean something about me that I've done something wrong? No. That's dirty pain. So clean pain. Dirty pain. If you're a new listener, that's a good episode to listen back to for the specifics, my dear warriors. Like, it really did go Better than I ever could have imagined. My ex and I are at such a great place and I credit him because I'm the one who chose to end the marriage which, you know, he didn't want to end the marriage. And so it makes sense that he would be irritated and annoyed and angry at all the things. Yes. And took him some time get over that fair. That's human thing. And this weekend, you know, we came together and basically just said okay, let's, let's draw a line like the past is the past. There were hurt feelings and what do we have now? We have three boys slash men who are thriving and here for us to love. And why not show up as adults and support them? And whereas I would have been ready for that conversation years ago, he was ready for that this weekend. And I'm so grateful and it made such a difference. So that was wonderful. It was wonderful to model mom and dad acting like adults to my sons. So there's that piece my parents also my mother already had said. You know, Susie, while I disagree that with what you did, which basically was the getting the divorce, she has deep sorrow that she didn't support me differently during it. She had told me that last year and that's all I needed. Humans are fallible. And she did what she thought was right at the time of my divorce. And for her to come around and repair, you know, that's part of maturing that we can agree to disagree yet do we need to take each other down? You know my belief with parenting. No, like that's part of differentiation. So my mom and I were in on a more stable ground already going into this weekend. My dad is the one who is still committed to thinking that he's right and we all have to agree with dad's way. But you know what? Like it just didn't bother me. I, I just, I know that that's the dad I have. That's. I'm not gonna. I. I've done so much work myself to support my boundaries that I'm not gonna people please with him. I'm not gonna self abandon. I'm not gonna show up in anything other than integrity. And I've been practicing that for more than a decade now. And I can let my dad be my dad. I didn't have fear around him. That was interesting too warriors because my husband Paul was here and my dad has always chosen men over me. Like I had an incident of sexual abuse where he went to the man and told him that I was being dramatic and making things up. I Had like I, I just could go up on how many times he's had the man's back and then told me about that later. So I've had a lot of trust issues around him and men. Oh yeah. And take my ex husband who while I was married and dating he always, you know, pretty much hated him. Like didn't have a positive word to say about the man. But then when I went to get a divorce and my dad didn't want to have a daughter, there was divorce because what would that look like for my dad? Well then he was all team X all the way and now they vacation and hang out together. So needless to say I had some trepidation with, in the past with you know, my, my now current husband Paul. It was more just like I didn't want to give my parents the joy of experiencing Paul because I, I think in my immaturity I was like they don't deserve it. Whereas this, this weekend I was like whatever, go for it, do what you need to do. I 100%, 190% trust Paul. I don't, my parents aren't, they don't have sway over me anymore. What are they going to do? Like they, they can't bankrupt me in the way that they could in 2014. They can't take my kids away from me with custody like they tried to in 2014. Like they, all they've got are their words and between them and their words are my brain and my skills and my self support and I was very like non bothered by anything and that was freeing. What else did I say? I was going to talk about, you know, my ex's parents. My, my poor father in law just really hates the fact that I got a divorce and that I live in Australia. And he has a lot of anger around that and it's really eating him up. It's really hard to see him, he's physically awful. Of the four parents like my, my ex's parents and my parents, I would have thought that his health probably would have been the best and it's definitely the worst. Which just goes to show mind to body, connected. So he was just sort of a miserable man all weekend just sitting in the corner scowling and I, I felt really badly for him, but that's his choice. My mother in law came over at one point and I think took the lead from her son and said let's move on. You know, she said I deeply disagree with what you've done and what you've put my grandsons through which by the Way if you're a new listener, was basically a divorce. Trying to do it the easiest way as possible. But when you're religious it's not looked upon fondly but so yay on her. And she came around and had that repair and openness and honesty and I have a lot of stace in my heart for that. My brother in law, same thing. He sort of took the lead from his brother and that was great. My sisters, you know, my youngest sister who is 11 years younger than me and just you know, I. My family unit like you had to go along to get along or clearly look at what happened to me, the ship gets blown up, life goes, you know, my like seriously going against my dad, the patriarch of the family is the oldest of three girls. Like he tried to bring me down like that was not safe to him. And my sisters saw that and they, my youngest sister really did what you know, she could at the time to stay safe. And for her that was go along the tad and I, I get that and that is fine. And she just had her own experience and didn't try to, she wasn't aggressive, let's say. So it was more, you know, maybe verbally saying she doesn't support what's going on. But that sort of ended there. And so we really have over the years had a coming together certainly with my heart issues that are genetic, you know, talking to her about what's going on. So I just have such a warm spot for her and love and hope that relationship continues to grow. And my other sister, I don't want to say much about here because I don't want to, you know, what's mine to share and what's hers to share. I don't want to go there with her. All that I will say is that it's clear she is still not happy with, you know, she's not in love and light over Susie, let's say it that way that I think she and you know, is well served if everyone hates Susie and if everyone doesn't hate Susie, then where does that leave my youngest sister to thrive? And I think this weekend would have been very confusing for her. And I've always said that it would have been hard to be my little sister. I really was a golden girl or I should say it would be hard to be in my shadow. I don't. I wasn't a cruel, I was loving. I didn't have any sibling rivalry. I was just trying to get love for my parents. But to be the one following in my footsteps, you know, the Way I got love from my parents or the way I thought I got love from my parents was to be perfect, to do everything the best. It never was good enough for my dad, but, boy, did I try being on the honors roll, the captain, the teams, the. I was on all the teams. I, you know, I did everything to the greatest degree I could. And yes, that would be challenging for my sister. And now I think in many ways it was easier for her when I was out of the picture and everyone hated me. And so now it would be challenging for her. And I definitely saw that at the wedding. And again, I just wish her love and on her journey. So for the good parts, holy. What is the word of how heart filling and wonderful it was to see my three sons together. I know I'm crying. It was so wonderful, and I hope you can hear my voice over the noise of the cars. But it was just, you know, you have these kids, and as a mom, you know, my values were really. I really took and take parenting seriously. And my responsibility to these humans that I brought into this world, you know, my responsibility to them is something I do not take lightly. And to see them in their, you know, they're not boys anymore. They're young men. They're all in their 20s, 21, 23, and 27, or 20, soon to be 22, 24, 27. To see them all in their, you know, manhood, just thriving in all of their different ways, all of which I, you know, I could not have foreseen and really, just stepping into their own is something that, as a mom, my heart is so full and I'm so proud, and it was so wonderful to be around them. And it's so heartbreaking to say goodbye to them. And it's through the challenge of motherhood, isn't it? Like, it's so nice that they're not, you know, six years old and needing you to make all their meals and, you know, getting the stomach virus and you're the one that has to stay up. But then it's also so heartbreaking that you're not the one to eat other meals with them and hear all their inner stories. It's. It's that paradox of parenting. But I'm in it. I sign up for it every day. And I have such love and a full heart for my sons and. And that's the main thing. And for my current husband, for his support, his really unconditional love of whatever I needed, he was there for. And. And it there, it was not about him. He was there as A support and an anchor and a sunshine for me. And I am still getting used to it. My nervous system still is like, wait, is this for real? And it is. And that's where I'm going to end this life. Update that change is 100% possible, Warriors. Did I see that when I was, you know, in my basement, bankrupt, just finding out my sister turned over all my emails to my ex's divorce lawyer my dad was paying for, you know? No, I didn't. No. This felt very far away. But with little tiny steps and the step stuff that I teach on this podcast, the Love youe Life show, it works. I'm a testament to that. I like and stay with me warriors, because I saw a sign when I was home or I was wherever, I don't even know where I was, but it said, universe, show me how good it can get. And there's a part of that that is so nerve wracking to me because right now my life is better than I ever, ever could have imagined it to be. And yet I know the power of belief and thought work and doing things differently and opening up our mindset. And I know the damage that limiting beliefs and fear and playing small can have. And so I'm here for it. And I sort of visualize myself hooking elbows with you right now as I finish my walk and invite you to come with me. How good can it get? Show me. Let's do it. Let's reprogram our nervous systems, bring in a light and love and just never forget, my dear warrior, you're never alone. Big love to you and I support you.
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Thank you for listening to the Love youe Life Show. If you want to hear more from Susie and support the show, be sure to subscribe to this podcast on itunes. Also leave a review and share this podcast with friends and family. Go get em Warriors.