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Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
How to Stop Family Drama and Find Peace This Holiday Season
00:19:45
What if this holiday season you could walk into family gatherings feeling calm, grounded, and at peace—no matter what your relatives do? 🎄🕎 - In this episode of The Love Your Life Show, Susie Pettit reveals a surprising secret that can help you handl...
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Foreign. Hi, this is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go, warriors. Why, hello, dear warriors, and welcome to another episode of the Love youe Life show. I am Susie Pettit, your certified life relationship parenting coach, and I am so excited to bring you this episode. As I sort of teased out a little in the intro because the holidays are coming up. And while Hallmark and Disney movies make it look like peace, joy, connection, smiles all around, many of us know myself firsthand that it can also feel like stress, tension, family drama. So today I'm giving you a pre season gift. I want to let you in on a secret I have found to having your most peaceful family holiday season yet. And if you're listening to this at a time when the holidays are not around, this is going to help you in any interaction. I mean, I might be bold enough to say with anyone ever. So I'm so excited to let you in on it. I'm so excited you're listening. I'm so excited you're the type of person that listens to. And let's dive into it because it's probably not what you expect. The secret to you feeling more peace, less annoyed by the people around you is a acceptance of accepting people for who they are. It is sort of think of it as like the Let them Theory 3.0. What you see is what you get. I call it radical acceptance, letting people be who they're going to be. I think the biggest, here's the secret is that if you start thinking, what if this person never changes? You're going to feel fundamentally better in all aspects of your life. Doesn't it seem counterintuitive if you're like, like, it seems like you're just like, I don't know, letting down your guard. What if this person never changes? What if this is what your dad is like? What if this is what your sister is like? What if this person will always be this way? Now, before you go into despair and shut off this episode and you're thinking, but it's not okay that my relatives comment on my kid's body size or that my other relative gets drunk and then swears and slobbers all over us and that. Hang on, because I agree. I agree 100%, actually, it's not okay. And so keep listening because yes, while I agree with you that there, there are ways that people behave or things people do that you don't need to tolerate this first part, this secret brings you all the ease and peace. So you can do the second part in a way that is calmer. It's more adult. Like it is you in your wisest and best self. So for just a second, can you listen in to this episode and consider how if you accept that what you see is what you get, that might bring you a little peace and calm this holiday season. This is what I mean. Every year, most of us who have not adopted this new way of being, most of us go into family gatherings with this hope project running in our head. Maybe this year my dad won't bring up politics. Maybe this year my aunt won't comment on my clothes. Maybe this year my mom won't criticize the food I brought. Maybe this year my husband will finally join in more with the family and on and on. And what happens? We walk in with these expectations. And then when Uncle Joe is on his third whiskey before appetizers or your sister starts complaining about her husband again, we're disappointed, frustrated, angry. Because, my dear listener, we're secretly hoping they'd be someone different. Somehow they've changed. And what I'm encouraging you to do this season so that you feel less annoyed and more peaceful, is to let them be them. Expect it. Let your mom think negatively about your food. Let your husband sit and not interact with people. Let your uncle drink. Let them be them. What if this is who they are? What if they're never going to change? And what if nothing's gone wrong with that? What if your kid is always going to sort of sit in the corner and not interact with cousins? What if your husband is never going to join in the conversation with your brother? This is what I call radical acceptance. It might feel like, I'm saying, like radical depression to you right now, and that's why I'm asking you to hold on, okay? Because radical acceptance says, what if this person never changes? What if this is who they are? What if it's not my job to judge them or think that they should be doing something different than what they do, but this is just who they are. I'll tell you what. What if you're going to feel a lot less irritated, a lot less annoyed, frustrated, if you choose to believe this is who they are. The other benefit of this is with the people who matter to you. You will have closer relationships if we stop fighting in our head with what we're thinking they should be doing or thinking or saying. I've seen this firsthand with my husband and my kids, maybe some of our relationships, we're fine just seeing them once a year, you know, our aunt or uncle and it's. But the ones that matter to you guys, when we're sitting here thinking they should be different or they should change, we're hurting our relationship with them. So this is where, if you can lean into this, accept this radical acceptance, accepting who they are. This is the mom I have. It's been a freeing sentence for me. This is the daughter I have, this is the aunt I have, this is the husband I have. I'm actually not in a Disney movie. This is my family. Radical acceptance is about stepping off of our, like little, like our high horse, thinking people should do or be different. Like living more in the, you know, life according to Susie. And we start accepting them for who they are. Little bit of maturity on our part, like maybe we don't have all the answers. So just play with me for a little bit. We're just accepting them. Say your mom is never going to think the food you brought is a good choice. Or she's always going to think your kids are dressed inappropriately. Or your aunt is always going to be negative and talk critically about people. Or your uncle's always going to over drink. Or your dad is always going to bring up politics at an inappropriate time. Or your husband's always going to disappear for a bit or your brother is. You get the point. What if what you see is what you get? This is the family you have. This is what they do. Not from a place of giving up or bitterness, but from radical acceptance. Well, I'll tell you what happens. Two magical things happen and I see it all the time in my life and in my clients lives. First, you will feel a lot lighter, a whole lot less high and mighty. That righteous indignation. Can you believe she said that? Changes to. Of course she said that. That's the kind of thing she says those are the kind of things she says those are the kind of things they do. Or he shouldn't be drinking. It's like, of course he is. That's what he does. Radical acceptance feels a whole lot lighter for me. It feels like I can relax my shoulders and like put my heavy load down. There's nothing's gone wrong here. I need to fix the load. Like I'm, I don't need to fix the world. I'm just here like witnessing, oh right, this is the family I have. Second, it makes things much clearer if we can think like say this person is never going to Change. Like, say your uncle is never going to drink less. It makes things clear because it's like, well, then what are you going to do about that? If you don't spend time thinking like, he shouldn't be doing this and he should have stopped that, then you get to spend time thinking, of course he's doing that. What do I want to do about it? Do I want to cut conversations with him when he starts to slurp? Radical acceptance frees us up to have less drama because we let them be them and then we let us be responsible in our life. We have agency. We waste a lot less time resisting who these people are, and instead we spend time thinking, okay, this is who they are. And I get to choose how to respond. Let's do some real life examples here. Okay? Let's play around a bit. Like, mom and the food. Say your mom always like, whatever you bring, even if she's like, bring the artichoke dip with the tortilla brand chips and that. Like, and you bring it. And she's like, oh, you only got one bag. Instead of thinking, why can't she say something nice about what I brought? We know ahead of time mom won't be happy about some aspect of the food I'm bringing. Hey, we just have that expectation going in. Like, am I happy with what I'm bringing? Yeah, I am. And then when mom says something to us negative about the food, we're like, yeah, there it is. You know, sometimes I even get, like, surprised. I'm like, oh, yeah, mom's gonna criticize something about the food. And I'm like, oh, she might say this or that. Then she says something. I'm like, oh, didn't see that one coming. But it's a lot lighter. Like, there you go. Let her be her for me. I don't need to even say anything. I don't need to set a boundary there. I'm just sort of smile and redirect. And then I probably don't think about it again because I'm not shocked or disappointed when she does what she always does. I'm like, that's my mom not liking what I brought. How about for that person who criticizes what you or your kids wear? Same, same. Seriously, expect the criticism. Let her think that what you're wearing or what your kids are wearing isn't great. Not her choice. It's possible you wouldn't be wearing what she's wearing. Okay, but let her not like what you're wearing. And then you get to decide what to do. I Did a past podcast where I speak more about how to address these things when kids are involved. I talk about a game called Family Bingo that you can do with your family, about your family. And that is really awesome. I'll put a link in the show notes for that. A short. Because we want to be careful when our kids were involved. A short version of how this might look with a critical aunt is like, maybe in the car on the way over, we say, well, you know, aunt so and so doesn't usually like what we wear. What do you think she'll comment on this year? So we're sort of prepping our kids. Like, you know, remember, aunt so and so might say something. Okay. Depending on the kid, though, your response will vary or your action here will vary. Maybe you have a kid who's struggling with some aspect of their confidence or their sexuality or their clothing choice themselves, and. And you just don't want that interaction with your aunt. Well, then you may need to step in with a boundary between the two adults. All right. I can't get into every individual variation here on the podcast. Obviously, this is a great thing to schedule a coaching session with me on because, like, if the interaction is between two adults, like, the aunt is criticizing my clothes, let them. Let me. Works really well if a kid is involved. It depends more on their age and confidence and things that are going on. And often you need to model and do the boundary setting for your kid in a different way that I can help with as a parenting expert. The point today is to accept that your aunt is going to be your aunt. Don't be surprised and have a plan for what you'll do. How about your dad in politics? Hey, have a plan for what you'll do. He always brings it up instead of getting derailed. Have radical acceptance. This is dad. And then maybe you practice something. You're going to say, I don't want to talk about politics today, dad. I'm going to go in the other room. Or here's a reminder. We're coaching on your individual situation helps because, like, I, one of my parents used to be a narcissist. So I wouldn't say that because that would egg him on. Like, he would get bigger. So instead I just have the boundary in my head. We don't have to say all of our boundaries out loud. Where I just knew if dad starts talking about politics, I'm going to get up and excuse myself from the table. There are many ways to do this where we don't slip into emotional immaturity on Our parts. We let the other people be them. How about your husband? You think he always hangs back, that he's quieter than he should be or quieter than he, like, well, radical acceptance. Like, this is. Okay, this is who he is. This is my husband who gets to judge. If he's like, who's the quiet judge? He's quieter or quieter like, stop it. So instead of sulking or nagging, we let him be him. Maybe try smiling and give him a hug. How about your socially awkward kid? Okay, he's not joining in with the cousins. First off, do you know what makes someone more socially awkward is when they feel like everyone's noticing. When mom's like, hey, so and so, why don't you go join, you know, cousin? Okay, Awkwardness goes up. You've just, like, gone back several steps in the game of life, okay? They. They will. Like, when you're nagging or pointing out they should be doing something different according to your rule book of how people should behave, it does not go well. Put the book down. People are going to be people. And the warrior move here is to consider, what if your kid is always going to be a little awkward in social situations? Instead of thinking, why can't they just join in? You accept, this is my child. This is how they're going to show up. How might your actions change? You might offer them love and support. You might be more in a compassionate mindset. Instead of this, this is going wrong. Oh, my God. What are they doing? I need to get them, you know, interacting with cousin. It's like, oh, no, this is just who they are. They're always going to be a little awkward. All right, I'll give them a hug. Maybe I'll go talk to them about the artichoke dip. Do you feel the difference? The peace comes not from changing them. It comes from accepting them as they are and then deciding how you want to show up. You start to see how this might be helpful for you in your piece. Now, some of you might be thinking, okay, Susie, so if I accept that they're always going to do this thing, then what? Am I just left to be miserable? Like, yes and no. If you keep thinking that people around you should be different than the people around you are, yes. You will continue to suffer. You will continue to feel miserable. That I can promise. And yet, if you lean into this, you let your kid not talk to their cousins, you let your uncle drink, you let your mom complain. Whatever you do, the whole system can change. Let's say you lay off your husband, you let him not interact or whatever. First off, how much better for your relationship? Do you know how bad it feels when someone thinks you're doing something wrong or you should be doing something differently? Of course you do. That's not fun. So there's that. If nothing changes to the end of time, if your husband is always doing this. If I had a magic ball and I could see 20 years from now, your husband still self isolates. Do you want him to feel loved and supported by you? Okay. And do you want to continue to be annoyed until forever? I don't. Hey, this happens. All this. This is just so helpful. One thing I do notice happening with this isolation thing, whether it's the husband or the kid, is that when you remove your bossy self, then they're free to start feeling the consequences of the event, Whether it's. Whether it's the husband, the kid, or the uncle or anything. Like, husband might say, well, that wasn't much fun for me. I wonder why. I don't really have deep relationships with these people. Hmm. Okay. He starts. He gets into his problem thinking mind because he's not distracted by your freaking negative energy. Or your uncle maybe is like, oh, I didn't really, you know, like, I was left alone drinking in the corner. Or like, people are left with the consequences of their own behavior. That's not gonna happen when you're, like, bumping yourself in there and trying to be Judge Judy of every single situation. Okay. Like, just accepting people for who they are, letting them do what they do is not only one of the best relationship builders for you, it's also one of the greatest things you can do for your nervous system and for everyone around you? Like, come on. Don't we have enough? We? You and me, dear listener, don't we have enough to think about with our own self and our own growth? Do we really need to be thinking about what everyone else should and shouldn't be doing? Feeling responsible for their actions? And. Ugh. When we stop fighting against reality, we free up energy. We stop being disappointed year after year? Instead, we get clear. We're like. We learn about ourselves. We're like, what's important to me? What boundaries do I need to hold? What can I let go of? Letting other people be other people for the win every time. How about it? Do you think you could experiment a bit with this mindset this holiday season? This is the family I have. What if these people never change? Then what? I'd love it if you tried. Okay, now this is a bit advanced of a show. If you're a new listener to this show and you're like what? But you're enticed. You want to grab the podcast Roadmap where I share the foundational episodes on emotional intelligence, adulthood, happiness, all that goodness. Get it@smbwell.com roadmap and follow this show. So, because I'll be back next week with more tools to help you love your life. And if you're in you've been listening for a while and you want help with your specific family or example, then check out like see. I'll put a link below too to see if my one on one schedule. If I have open room for you, I always offer group coaching in the Love youe Life school. I'll put the links below. In the meantime, let them be them while you remember what a truly magical specimen of a human you are. I love you and I'm so glad you listen to shows like this.